Germany Will... Not Be At All - A Germany 'Comedy' AAR

[MastahCheef117]

Germany Will... Not Be At All
A Germany 'Comedy' AAR

Hello. Welcome.

Now that the awkward part is over, I'd like to introduce this little thing I like to call “Germany Will... Not Be At All – A Germany 'Comedy' AAR”. This will be [my attempt at] a comedy AAR following an already-doomed Third Reich during it's rise and what will likely be it's terrible, ugly, expected fall. It will follow a textbook-narrative/play format.

Chapters will be sporadic from 1936 through 1939, until the fun[/losing] starts. Also, please forgive me if my 'comedy' and humor is a bit distasteful; it won't be the first time. The reason for my self-doubt is that, despite my uncountable number of games as Germany in vanilla Hearts of Iron II, my experience as Germany in Darkest Hour is very limited – in my past games, my preoccupation with shiny new tanks and big powerful battleships distracted me from building an airforce at all, which then led to the destruction of my factories, the destruction of my war effort, and the destruction of my game, a-la “dh.exe has stopped working...”

Also, as I currently have two AARs running right now, this WILL receive updates, albeit sporadically and lacking any gameplay, but will somewhat set the mood for the AAR.

Difficulty: Medium
AI Aggressiveness: Medium
Tech Team/IC Takeover: Yes

Table of Contents
Prewar
January 1, 1936 - Chapter 1
January 1, 1936 - Chapter 2

1939

1940

1941

1942

1943?

1944?

*****

Dramatis Personae

HITLER. The power-wielding genius. The hero of our story.

HESS. Hitler's right-hand woman and stewardess. Has questionable sanity.

GOEBBELS. He likes microphones and loud speeches. Also questionable sanity.

RAEDER. Ever since he was but a wee lil' lad, he always wanted a pirate ship of his own. Der Fuehrer will give it to him.

GOERING. Ever since his father was killed in the seventh Crusade, he always wanted to fly. Loves cookie dough.

SPEER. Aide-de-camp of Hitler, forced to build dozens of models of Berlin to please Der Fuehrer.

DOENITZ. Heir to the throne. Loves rubber ducks and submarines.

VON MANSTEIN. For some reason he is turned on by big boxes of steel that have the potential of ending many lives.

BECK. Hitler doesn't like him because he uses his brain.

MODEL. Also attracted to tanks.

VON BLOMBERG. Hated by most everyone. His own men hate him. No one really knows why, though.

VON RUNSTEDT. Complacent grandpa and village elder.

VON FRITSCH. Quite possibly the biggest English German to have ever lived.

ROMMEL. Even Chuck Norris is jealous of this guy. Is a German, yet loved by his enemies.

...And many more!

(I tried to find pictures that excluded any forbidden symbols; sadly, this proved difficult, and I tried to choose some that were either difficult to see or partially obscured. If these still do not follow the rules, mods, please tell me so).

****

HEINRICH HIMMLER'S CIRCUS ROYALE,
Berlin, Third Reich

Grandest Night of the Season!
AND POSITIVELY THE
LAST NIGHT BUT THREE!
BEING FOR THE
BENEFIT OF THE THIRD REICH,
(LATE OF WELLS'S CIRCUS) AND
HERR A. HITLER,
THE CELEBRATED SAVE-THE-THIRD-REICH!
NATIONAL HERO, FUEHRER, SAVIOR.
On WEDNESDAY Evening, January 1st, 1936
Herr Hitler will, for this night only, introduce the
CELEBRATED HORSE,
R. HESS!
Over Men & Horses, through Hoops,
over Garters and lastly through a Hogshead of
REAL COMMIES!
In this branch of the profession
Herr Hitler challenges
THE WORLD!​

**Whoever gets the above reference wins 7,000 internets**
***I also will be willing to rename several units, upon completion, to whoever claims it first. That person then gets to choose the name of the unit. First come, first serve. You can only name ONE unit.***

Naval
KMS Bismarck (Bismarck class battleship) - KMS Iron Man (named by Ticket Cookie)
KMS Graf Zeppelin (Graf Zeppelin class aircraft carrier) - KMS WABTGDTASTPT (We Actually Built This God Damn Thing After Scrapping it Two Plus Times) (named by TekcoR)
KMS Gneisenau (Scharnhorst class battlecruiser)
KMS Admiral Graf Spee (Deutschland class pocket battleship/heavy cruiser)
KMS Stettin (M class light cruiser)

Land
7th Panzer Division - 7th 'Blitzing Katzen' Panzer Division (named by BayouBruiser)
Panzer-Division 'Norwegen'
(130th) Panzer-Lehr-Division - Panzer-Leer-Division (named by GulMacet)
2nd Motorized Division
196th Infantry Division

Air
JG 53 Interceptor 'Pik As' - JG 53 'Lulwafflez' (named by KaiserMuffin)
JG 2 Interceptor 'Richtofen'
StG 2 Close Air Support 'Immelmann'
KG 54 Tactical Bomber 'Totenkopf' - KG 54 'Radio Skullcandy' (named by Jaws210)

 

[whatguts]

interesting

 

[unmerged(174159)]

Is that P.T. Barnum at Madison Square Gardens flier?

If I'm correct, I wanna rename JG 53 'Pik As' to JG 53 'Lulwafflez'

 

[MastahCheef117]

Nope, it's not a P.T. Barnum flyer. I will tell you, however, that it was inspired by a poster from 1840's England... it also inspired a song by a very famous English band.

 

[BayouBruiser]

Is it a reference to Pablo Fanque's Circus Royalle? Which wouldn't happen to be the same poster that inspired Lennon to write "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!"?

Also though it has been said already...interesting to see where you go with this


And If I may request a rename it would be to rename the 7th Panzer Division to the 7th 'Blitzing Katzen' Panzer Division after the poster seen here: http://www.cslacker.com/images/funny/meme/demotivational/blitzkrieg/

 

[MastahCheef117]

You are correct, BayouBruiser!

I have also added the name changes that have been requested. Keep 'em coming, guys.

 

[MastahCheef117]

January 1, 1936
Chapter 1

[In Der Fuehrer's office at the Reichstag. HITLER. is at his desk when the door opens. In walks HESS., VON BLOMBERG., BECK., and VON FRITSCH.]

HESS. Mein Fuehrer, here are the New Years' Day reports on the Wehrmacht, as you requested.

HITLER. [There is a pause as Hitler looks at the papers Hess has in front of him, but then his shoulders slouch and his head tilts.] I didn't ask for any such New Year's Day reports. Now go get me a cup of tea and leave me alone.

HESS. But, Mein Fuehrer, tea is the drink of the enemy. The drink of the Brits. You know how much you despise them.

[Beck, still standing tall, leans over to Hess and whispers in his hear, and then leans back and stands at attention. Hess stutters.]

HESS. Let me get this straight. We aren't at war? With the Brits? [Pause.] Yet?

[Beck intervenes.]

BECK. Excuse me, Herr Hess, but I believe I am more informed than you are at the moment. [To Hitler.] Mein Fuehrer, these reports are vital for you to be aware of. They contain valuable information on the state of the economy, the military, and our technological advancements.

HITLER. [Obviously disgusted by Beck's intervention, Hitler waves this off, crosses his arms and looks away, refusing to make eye contact.] Fuck that. I was having my quiet time when you came in here and started waving this - [Gestures to folder containing papers] - crap in my face.

VON FRITSCH. [Beck takes a step back as von Fritsch attempts to calm Hitler.] Mein Fuehrer, ignore General Beck. We all know you are such an intelligent and all-knowing man, we know you know all you need to know to run the Reich. [Hitler smiles, but continues looking away, arms still crossed. Von Fritsch is egging him on.] But wouldn't you like to know even more?

[Hitler, obviously interested, looks at von Fritsch and raises his eyebrows. Beck, at von Fritsch's side, whispers in the latter's ear,]

BECK. Got the bastard now.

VON FRITSCH. [Waving Beck off, trying to keep Hitler's attention.] Such a knowledgeable man as yourself should only want to know more, am I right? [Hitler nods; his arms are uncrossed and he is paying avid attention, still seated behind his desk.] Well, we can give this to you. All you have to do is open this folder and-

HITLER. Yes, I know that. I'm not retarded. Could you just tell me that I'm smart again, one more time?

[Beck stifles giggles.]

VON BLOMBERG. Please, Mein Fuehrer, we don't have time for this. Would you just please read these reports?

HITLER. [Clearly agitated.] I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing!

[Von Blomberg quickly falls silent. Hess steps up to the plate yet again.]

HESS. Mein Fuehrer, not only will I get you tea if you read this, but I will give you Skittles.

HITLER. [Dumbfounded.] Skittles, you say?

HESS. [Smiling.] Yes, Mein Fuehrer, Skittles. What say you?

[Hitler takes no time to think. He nods violently and leaps out of his chair, jumping up and down in excitement.]

BECK. [Smiling, to von Fritsch.] I swear, he's like a child.

VON FRITSCH. At least he's not like an adult. There'd be hell to pay.

HESS. The tea, Mein Fuehrer?

HITLER. Oh! Oh. [Stops jumping and straightens himself out, clearing his throat.] Tea. Tea. Umm... earl grey. Hot.

[Hess nods and leaves the office.]

VON BLOMBERG. Apologies for my outburst, Mein Fuehrer. [Pause. Beck coughs.] Please don't kill me.

[Out of Hitler's eyesight, von Fritsch is shaking his head violently, his eyes wide, moving his hand in a cutting motion across his throat.

HITLER. [Scowling.] Von Blomberg, I would not kill you. That would be the last thing I would do, after - after strangling you myself!

[Von Fritsch walks up to Hitler and whispers in his ear. Hitler nods slowly, and continues talking.]

HITLER. The General here tells me that strangling someone is the equivalent of kill someone. Well, that's news to me.

[The door opens, and in steps Hess, GOEBBELS, RAEDER, GOERING, SPEER, and SCHACHT. Hess is holding a hot cup of tea on a small saucer. Goebbels and Speer sit on Hitler's right and left, respectively, and the rest stand at attention in front of Hitler's desk.]

HITLER. [Grabbing the folder and opening it.] Now, let's take a look at these reports.

[Hitler grabs the teacup, but his grip is too loose; the hot tea spills into his lap. The entire room breaks into manic laughter, while Hitler is obviously displeased.]

HITLER. [Dabbing at his crotch, a vain attempt at taking away the burning sensation.] Fuck! Fuck! Dear God, Hess, clean this shit up! And get me a new pair of pants. You owe me some fuckin' Skittles, man!

RAEDER. [To Schacht.] Bricks were shat.

 

[Jaws210]

Can you make KG 54 'Totenkopf' to KG 54 'Radio Skullcandy'?

 

[MastahCheef117]

Can you make KG 54 'Totenkopf' to KG 54 'Radio Skullcandy'?

As you wish Keep them coming, guys.

 

[Ticket Cookie]

KMS Iron Man for KMS Bismarck?

I know, it's a very bad joke. But he is'nt is the Iron Chancellor?

 

[TekcoR]

Like the play style so far.

For the KMS Graf Zeppelin can we actually name it: KMS We Actually Built This God Damn Thing After Scrapping it Two Plus Times? or KMS WABTGDTASTPT for short.

 

[MastahCheef117]

Ticket, your change shall be made.

And TekcoR, I have no idea if that will fit, so I'll use the acronym.

 

[MastahCheef117]

Also a reminder, everyone. I will post an update tomorrow. If anyone wishes to get their last name-changes in, now's the time.

 

[GulMacet]

You can rename the Panzer-Lehr-Division to Panzer-Leer-Division (it's a pun in German, Leer means empty. No Panzerkampfwagen here!)

 

[MastahCheef117]

January 1, 1936
Chapter 2

[Hitler's office in the Reichstag. Present are HITLER., HESS., GOEBBELS., VON FRITSCH., VON BLOMBERG., BECK., GOERING., DOENITZ., RAEDER., SCHACHT., HAUSSER., VON NEURATH., and SPEER.

HITLER. [Looking over the reports, spreading the papers out over his desk.] Where should we start?

SPEER. Well, Mein Fuehrer, let's get a general idea of everything first. [He reaches over onto the desk, and shuffles through several papers until he finds one folded up. He unfolds it and pins it on the wall behind Hitler.] This is the Third Reich as it exists, territorially, today.

Hitler's Third Reich, c. 1936

HITLER. Wow, this sucks. We control nothing. The Empire before us was bigger!

HESS. [Interrupting.] On the contrary, Mein Fuehrer, we still control some of the most industrialized areas of all of Europe. Our industrial capabilities - are... [Looks expectantly towards Speer.]

SPEER. Our industry is bigger than that of Poland, Czechoslovakia, Austria, France, Belgium, Holland, and Italy combined. We can, in theory, produce more than all of these countries combined.

HITLER. [Disappointed.] In theory?

GOEBBELS. We'd have to divide parts of our industry up between producing war materiel, producing ammunition and weapons for the men in the field, producing consumer goods for the people, establishing supply depots and reinforcement depots for weakened divisions in the field, as well as researching and producing upgraded equipment.

HITLER. I see. So how about foreign affairs?

[Speer shifts through more papers until he pulls out several and scrutinizes them, and then hands them to von Neurath.]

VON NEURATH. We're maintaining excellent relations with the Hungarians and Italianos. Relations with Yugoslavia, Romania, and Bulgaria are also satisfactory; the French hate us.

HITLER. [Scoffing.] The Frogs can go to hell. We kicked their asses twice before, we can do it again.

HESS. [Trolling.] How about the last time we "won", Mein Fuehrer?

HITLER. >:|

HESS. Lolololololol

HITLER. [Dismissive.] Next. The Army.

VON FRITSCH. [Stepping forward.] The Heer is composed of eighty two divisions, roughly 820,000 men. Apparently I had a serious hangover yesterday, because I decided to deploy the troops all over the damn place instead of putting them someplace useful. We also have twelve brigades - amounting to about 24,000 men - deployed in conjunction with some of these divisions, of varying strength and type. Most are artillery brigades. Two are anti-aircraft gun brigades, and a single division is a corp of engineers. The largest concentration of troops is here, in Berlin, were 130,000 men reside. It is also where our three armored divisions under Hausser's command are. [Nods to Hausser.]

HITLER. Very well. Raeder, the navy.

RAEDER. The Kriegsmarine is much stronger than she was three years ago, but there is still much to be done if she is to become a powerful fighting force. Currently, we employ about twenty destroyers - some of which date back to the Great War - two of our pocket battleships, Admiral Scheer and Deutschland, our newest light cruiser, Nurnberg and her older sister, Leipzig, the three K class cruisers, Koenigsberg, Karlsruhe, and Koln, several outdated submarine groups, and the two Deutschland class predreadnoughts Schlesien and Schleswig-Holstein.

BECK. [Whispering, to Goering.] Wow, our navy fucking sucks.

[Goering snorts, covering his mouth with his hand, trying not to laugh.]

HITLER. [Not noticing Beck and Goering downplaying the Kriegsmarine.] Good. Soon, we shall rebuild Germany's naval might and make it the strongest navy in the world!

EVERYONE. [Excluding Goering, who is still trying to control his laughter.] Huzzah!

HITLER. Goering. The Luftwaffe, how is it?

GOERING. [Finally controlling his laughter.] We possess about 700 tactical bombers, spread between Berlin, Breslau, Kassel, and Munich. We have 300 interceptors, 200 in Berlin and the rest in Kassel. Lastly, we have a full squadron - just 100 aircraft - of close air support dive-bombers.

HITLER. Good. Now, to production - General von Blomberg and Herr Speer, you have the floor.

SPEER. The pocket battleship Admiral Graf Spee will be completed and launched in just a few days. This will bring our total large cruiser number up to three. We also have two heavy cruisers - these of the Admiral Hipper class - under construction, one to be finished in April 1939, and the other to be finished in September 1939. Other naval production includes the battlecruisers Gneisenau and Scharnhorst, the former being completed in May of 1938, and the latter is estimated to be completed in January of 1939. We also have a serial production of several flotillas of destroyers - the first group in line is expected to be commissioned in March of this year.

VON BLOMBERG. In Heer production, we have eleven infantry divisions' worth of men being trained. Most are expected to be ready for deployment from April through October of this year. Other than this, we also have four motorized divisions under production, all expected to be ready for action by January of next year. We also have a series of land fortifications being constructed on the border with France, as well as large groups of convoys and destroyer escorts for trade with any of our allies.

HITLER. And if I am correct, we can produce nearly twice as much as this at the moment?

SPEER. Ja, Mein Fuehrer.

HITLER. Good. I want you to put several serial productions of infantry divisions into training, as well as several panzer divisions - whoever thought three panzer divisions were enough has another thing coming.

RAEDER. And, Mein Fuehrer, I don't think four heavy cruisers will cut it. I suggest laying down at least one more, maybe two. And plus, we need some very powerful surface vessels - a battleship or two.

SPEER. It will be done.

DOENITZ. [Trying to get his two cents in.] I would also suggest laying down some serials for newer U-boats. Our current number - and the lack of them - just isn't going to cut it.

GOERING. Not to mention our low number of interceptors is ridiculous. We'll need, at the very least, some 800 planes to cover our western frontier. And we'll need quite a few more tactical bombers in order to support our troops sufficiently.

HITLER. Lastly, Herr Hess, I believe you can work with General vom Blomberg on working out our technological advances.

HESS. Shit. [To Hitler.] Of course, Mein Fuehrer.

Technological programs and projects

HITLER. General von Fritsch, I want you to redeploy our forces to where they can be best used. General Beck shall also assist Admiral Raeder and General Goering in redeploying the naval and air forces of the Reich. I want to reoccupy the Rhineland as soon as possible; we must show these Frogs that we shall not go quietly.

The Reoccupation of the Rhineland, January 11, 1936

BECK., VON FRITSCH., RAEDER., and GOERING. As you wish, Mein Fuehrer.

HITLER. [Confused.] ... I'm not Darth Vader, you know.

PALPATINE. [Sitting in a large chair in the corner of the room.] Now witness the firepower of this fully ahmed and operational Germany!

HITLER. Yes! Yes!

 

[unmerged(174159)]

Fully Ahmed and Operational!

 

[Seek75]

You must construct additional panzers!