I really love the end notes. They are hilarious.
Thanks. They do serve as nice summaries for what the tutorial unconsciously teaches too.
Ged's Existential Nightmare
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Thanks. They do serve as nice summaries for what the tutorial unconsciously teaches too.
So as the last update revealed, the tutorial is technically done, having taught a newbie just enough to get their character killed. An excellent demonstration of skill and technique from PTM and Paradox in general there. But the story isn't over yet. PTM remains with us in spirit on the helpful suggestions tab, and also randomly pops up to give advice, usually just after a mistake.
There are a number of freak occurances and head-tiltingly strange things going on in the next few years of Ged's reign. The game may calm down after that in which case we'll draw this to a close but for now, the nightmare still reigns.
There are a number of freak occurances and head-tiltingly strange things going on in the next few years of Ged's reign. The game may calm down after that in which case we'll draw this to a close but for now, the nightmare still reigns.
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Well, this is very amusing!
Didn't you say that you weren't getting CK3? I suppose that the temptation was too great...
To be fair to Paradox, marriage for politics alone is really historically accurate - arranged marriages were very common in Medieval Europe.
This is so darkly comedic...
It's a Paradox game. If the players want reason to rule, they need to make up their own reasons. That's how this works, for Paradox can't be bothered with such minor things as logic.
Didn't you say that you weren't getting CK3? I suppose that the temptation was too great...
To be fair to Paradox, marriage for politics alone is really historically accurate - arranged marriages were very common in Medieval Europe.
This is so darkly comedic...
It's a Paradox game. If the players want reason to rule, they need to make up their own reasons. That's how this works, for Paradox can't be bothered with such minor things as logic.
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It's historically accurate, I was just commenting on the sharp contrast between serious real poltik marriages of convience and then suddenly 'lets get married!'
The game wobbles between do whatever the heck you want for whatever reason, sadist, and also maybe make sure you have legit reasons for doing everything, my king. It's like there were a group of people writing the boxes and they never spoke to each other.
Perhaps it wasn't Ged who bought a Spanish bride after all. Urraka seems to be some crazy powerful witch, who for some reason is obsessed with him. Perhaps the apparent mastery over time is what appealed to her, even if Ged himself thinks it a trap.
I mean, she manages to appear on a battlefield, and I am fairly certain that it is she who drove the Desmondians to collective suicide.
PTM is certainly involved. Can't just give a man a good start without a dark plan to ruin his life by sacrificing him to a witch-marriage.
I mean, she manages to appear on a battlefield, and I am fairly certain that it is she who drove the Desmondians to collective suicide.
PTM is certainly involved. Can't just give a man a good start without a dark plan to ruin his life by sacrificing him to a witch-marriage.
At least Ged's confusing wife seems to like him and isn't trying to kill him...yet
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Well she certainly must have been obsessed or at least dutiful as a wife, since we've never met and she worked the deep magics just to give him a love note. And steal his seed, potentially.
Now this is certainly in line with Shakespeare's Witches, which is to say Elizabethan/Stuart witchcraft. Anachronistic but yes, it does fit the story so why not? This isn't even the last time the irish walk into the sea so...
I do like the idea of PTM retired but bored and so keeps popping back into this guys life just to fuck with him.
True. True. Would be scary if she did ever fall out with him, considering her apparent abilities. Then again, they still haven't met yet so it would take some doing.
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I agree on the end notes being excellent, they may even be the best part of the AAR.
Also I kept reading Urraka as Ulrika so (1) I was confused by her being Spanish and (2) her unique approach to her love-life made perfect sense.
Also I kept reading Urraka as Ulrika so (1) I was confused by her being Spanish and (2) her unique approach to her love-life made perfect sense.
We have discussed before Paradox's unique believes about shoe-horning Shakespeare into CK3, I am delighted to see I have judged them correctly (i.e. taken the lowest possible view and then gone down even further several notches).
Well that's a little depressing. They're just the jokes in the chapter but again.
No we only have the one unexplained norwegian in the realm. Although as soon as PTM left, he decided he was Irish. Theres probably something to that...
...when was that? I'm not disputing it because that does sound like something we'd talk about but...
Yes...it's sort of a catch-22, where they either deliberately made the character magic, Ged is insane but also capable of impregnating hallucinations, the wife is unknowingly cheating on us with a fake-husabnd we set her up with or...you know, the game records where all the characters are but doesn't take that into account with events and decisions. Because of course it doesn't, that would take a few more minutes of effort.
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More than a Woman
More than a Woman
Ged at 40. Look at that frowny face...
Hey Ged. Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot with that cock PTM whispering demonic suggestions in my ear and forcing you through a marriage and a war. I feel we can rise beyond that however. Y’know, going forward. Since you’re stuck with me, and you might as well learn to like it.
This world is full of nasty things, Ged. Everyone wants to get at you. Even your wife wants to get at you, and she’s disturbingly good at doing it. Turns out she wasn’t sleeping with the groom after all and that kid is yours. Try not to think about how that worked. Honestly, the fact that the best-case scenario is you two rutting like pigs in the middle of a battle disturbs me a little.
She’s a strange woman, Ged. And frankly, she gives me the willies.
Anyway, you’re going to have another child soon, which is not only great in and of itself (well, unless you consider the philosophical implications of bringing forth new life into this existential nightmare) but if it’s a boy, we can get rid of our horrible heir! That’ll be fun, right? It’ll be cheaper than bribing him to like you for the rest of your life.
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself. You’re only forty after all. Bound to have at least five more years left in the tank. Hopefully. Unless some terrible accident occurs.
Hey look, the readers are here. Okay, got to go now Ged. Just do your thing. Don’t walk into the sea though. Not sure why the Irish keep doing that…
These 'suggestions' might more properly be called 'crimes', PTM...
Hello again, dear readers. Welcome back to the Nightmare. PTM may be gone but their presence lingers in the helpful suggestions tab. This is a little button at the top of the screen full of wonderful little things to do in the world of CK3. As you might expect, they all involve doing nasty things to people for my own amuse-er, for the quest to make Ged King of Ireland.
The guy’s been through a lot this past year. Let’s start with something painful for someone else. And hey, I can teach you parts of the game Paradox couldn’t be bothered to cover.
How beautifully laid out. And yet, more lives can be ruined with this screen than many others in the game
This is the new vassal tax screen. Unlike CK2, where all vassals of a given type (feudal, city, church, tribal) got served together, now you can embrace your destiny as Jonny Taxman and build in loads of loopholes and benefits for your friends and allies. Every vassal has their own private deal with you, which means that some trusted/powerful types are going to do some serious negotiating with you or find someone else to take your place. However, most will not be that powerful, and so you can feel free to dick them around to Dublin and back. Earl Viking here currently gives normal amounts of tax and levies. However, I have a ‘weak hook’ with him so can change any one aspect of our relationship with impunity. I can force him to partition his realm upon death. Give him a tax cut…or ramp them up.
You don't need to like Ged. But you do need to pay me
Well, it’s not like Ged is well-liked anyway so let’s get some high taxes in and start acting like a proper king. Despotic. Demanding. Daddy…
That’s one vassal down, but let’s check back in with the Council and perhaps find out what the hell it is they actually do.
The Bishop of the Realm isn't the Court Chaplain anymore, which means you still may have a useless priest
on the council awkwardly and bitterly sat next to this guy
PTM actually shows up to tell us the Bishop member is indeed the most important councillor this time around (as opposed to CK2 where they are pretty boring and useless). They seem to serve as the equivalent of an Archbishop to a King…basically they are the top dog priest in the realm and thus put their fingers in every orifice. Church money? Goes through them. Church levies? Goes through them. They also commit fraud on demand by fabricating claims of lands not your own. All in all, these are fairly important gentlemen to keep happy.
This is Ged however and so he is unhappy. Apparently, he does not like swaying, and bribery of a Church official is a sin (at least in the amounts we were able to offer).
God...your vassals despise you, Ged. What were you doing to them before I showed up?
There’s not much I can do about it, so let’s take it like a true monarch and pettily dish out our frustrations on those beneath us. First, I’ll have Ged seize more power in his realm, which is actually pretty pathetic when you look at it. Now he can finally take his own land back from vassals, and demand a little more manpower and money from people. The vassals freak out of course but they don’t have much of a chance to complain because…
Extremely far away foreign war always works in politics. Always. The more frivolous the better
I’m sending all of them, and Ged, to the other side of the country to fight for this random courtier’s claim. Northern Ireland should crunch down and spit out at least a few of them before it’s all over, and a few hundred dead should make everyone forget about the tyranny. Plus, this keeps me and Ged from having to go home to finally meet this wife of his.
Gimme all your money. And then pay your taxes, you evil man. Clearly you have far too much cash
Whilst Ged is cursing his luck and packing his bags in the southernmost county in order to march to the northernmost, I pass the time by selling my new vassal’s children back to him for money. I didn’t even lop any body parts off or violate his wife sexually. Apparently, people seem a lot more eager to get family members back from foreign prisons in this game cos in CK2, there’s no way I’d get three kids and a wife off my hands in one go. Again, this so-called evil sadist seems pretty reasonable and family-friendly. I’m beginning to think PTM may have been lying to me…
Murder time, fun time! Further long and complicated Irish place names to catch out my international audience.
And a personal duel between one of my knights and the enemy lord, how exciting!
Ged is back in battle, this time sans paperwork, and seems to be doing pretty well for himself. The knights, as readers pointed out last time, seem to be beasts in combat, killing everything in their path whilst the levies with their sticks and sacks die slightly more than they kill. Oh well. Hey, we went through a whole battle without anything weird happening with the-
How...did you do that?
Oh. Look, I know we were all banking on a boy child. And yes, John-Paul is a very catholic name, if anachronistic to this time period. But I can’t help but notice that Ged’s new daughter might not fit that name or expectation. Unless the game’s biology is even deeper than advertised and we’re dealing with some form of transgender or non-binary issue here.
What do you know that we don't, CK3? Tell me your mysteries!
I guess anything is possible at this point, though I’d be astonished if the Swedes were that thorough in simulating complex gender dynamics. What a fascinating thing it would be to have that in the game though…oh well, little John-Paul is going to have to work this out for herself (?) I guess. Maybe this will come up again later on. For now, let’s leave her in the apparently capable hands of Ged’s wife and run away.
Oh dear, this is becoming a thing, isn't it?
Ah. This is more like it. Here we are, manly men, laying siege and burning through a precious year of our lives to do so. The enemy, defeated, marching glumly into the sea. Random third army sitting in the next barony over from us…just…watching. Nothing unusual-
Up to the task? You can't speak Irish and have never met Ged. How are you doing this?
Dear God, that woman is everywhere. Okay, she wants to teach my idiot councillors a thing or two about counselling. Funnily enough, the Chancellor is enough of a weak sap to actually enjoy being shouted at for being useless by a formidable Spanish witch. The other two councillors strangely seem quite put out by the idea. Of course, she says, Ged and her could just have a private session between themselves instead…
Yeah, my chancellor is taking this one for the team.
Ireland looks like a baby goat or rabbit with a bib on. Bless.
Great Britain on the other hand looks like a mess and a mistake.
By the way, this is the cultural map for Ireland. Mostly Irish as per usual, but there is the Norse partying it up in their city of Dublin. Scotland is gratifyingly close to the northern coast which makes geographical sense. Across the waters we’ve got Scots and Gaels in Scotland, the Cumbrian and Welsh taking up the coastline and a big red stain I’m assuming is the Saxons. Speaking of which, it’s been two years. Who’s ruling England now?
Maybe if he stopped having children and started ruling the country, they wouldn't be in such a mess!
Then again, one of his siblings seems to be the Bunnyman Murderer and another a pirate so...
Very little has changed in England since game-start. I must admit, given that 1066 is the default start date and the devs knew most players would have their first games as well as many first AARs and videos focused on the Norman Conquest, it is ballsy to have everyone be fairly apathetic about being King of England. Even Harold doesn’t seem too fussed, since he’s beaten both the Normans and the Norwegians in battle but has since lost the initiative and all of his money.
It’s hidden behind the thick fog of distance, but what I suspect happened was that the Saxons caught both invading armies as they disembarked, destroying a lot of their forces in the process, but also gutting the Saxon army and treasury. So now the invading forces are both present on the island (assuming they have not walked into the sea in shame) but weak enough that sieging is very slow. The Saxons however are too weak and poor to do anything about it, so the whole invasion breaks down into a very boring and drawn out game of ‘who can siege their way to victory the slowest?’ The Normans should eventually win the crown, but who knows how much money and manpower they’ll have wasted to do it.
For me and Ged though, this is all good news. England is essentially out of the game for the foreseeable future. Good riddance.
Yeah, we were really punching down with this war. We even brought allies to make sure we killed
as many people as possible before they escaped into the sea.
Unfortunately for Ged, his own war is going swimmingly, unlike the enemy combatants in the ocean. Now we’re going to have to figure out what to do with a single war-torn county completely cut off from our realm by hundreds of miles of hostile Irish forest.
I didn't really think this through, did I?
Even worse, we’re going to have to go home and spend time with Urrika. If only the game were to provide an out for us both…
So, what have we learnt today?
Well:
- Ged is a wannabe dictator who lives in fear of his wife.
- John-Paul is a good Catholic name.
- Selling children for fun and profit is encouraged by Paradox.
- The English are awful and deserve what they get.
- The Irish need to learn how to swim, or how to read a map.
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I was worried the AAR would be left with no material after PTM left but the baby immediately being named that and the enemy armies continuing to walk into the sea upon defeat gives me a little more work to do.
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I know, right? It's fluid enough that you can have multiple styles of government in game if you want to mod/Develop one. Some the Roman model has super tight control (at least in theory) whilst feudal contracts are loose and mostly converted with manpower and inheritance. I don't know if the church vassals have this too, but if they do, there's room for expansion there as well.
It is - for me - one of the intensely frustrating things about CK3 that I can see there is still of value here, but personally I am finding some real barriers to engaging in the game.
Since you brought it up, I have to admit that I'm sort of in the same boat. I haven't gotten the game myself yet, but I've been following some of the discussions here and elsewhere.
On the one hand, a lot of the new features are definite improvements, and in fact things that I've been privately wanting to see in the game for a long time -- flexible contracts, a more dynamic faith / heresy system, stress management and coping mechanisms, characters being more tied into the various game systems to make things less "random" without making, etc. On the other hand, seeing all the things they've taken out that I enjoy, or that were useful quality-of-life / customization features, has left me a bit cold about actually putting the money down to buy the game.
Admittedly, had this game been around about fifteen years ago when I was first starting to get into Paradox's grand strategy games, I probably would have bought it in a heartbeat even despite its flaws simply because it doesn't seem to be a bad game on the whole. I guess it's partly the idea of such drastic changes (and not all for the better IMO) that's been holding me back -- but at the same time, I think it says something about the crowd Paradox is aiming for now that you have more customization options for your portraits than for the game rules and message settings. I can't help but shake the feeling that they're leaving behind the people who made their community what it is today, whether they mean to or not.
I am developing a theory that those of us of a certain Paradox "age" are being left behind, to be sure.
I am also developing a theory that the impact of covid-19 on their development these last 6 months is a lot greater than they are admitting, or perhaps even willing to admit to themselves.
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I think I'd agree with you there. The whole kerfluffle over the new forum style rollout a few months back hasn't exactly inspired confidence...
It's certainly a solid-ish game now with probably hundreds of hours of variety playable. Problem is that ck2 exists, is cheaper and has more stuff in it now than this game does.
I suspect they were thinking along the lines of 'let's build a solid foundation for expansions' because these features certainly do feel like beginings of systems rather than final products. Especially the absence of stuff like republics. @El Pip has many words to say on this kind of business practice, but this is probably what at least someone at the top told the team to focus on first. Get the game out, give it a solid launch, we'll put in 75% of your ideas in over the next five years. Here's your money.
Covid presumbaly did a number on them yes...play testing especially. They were supremely fortunate that their games sell electronically only, and that there's an inbuilt community to advertise it for them.
As for the old generation...well, which one? I know there are really old guys on here from back when these games were adaptations of the board games who hated the move to grand strategy and minute detail, and now a slightly less old generation bemoaning the dumbing down in favour of mass market appeal and user viability.
I admit, I am struggling not to be one who compares CK3 negatively to CK2, but ots mostly content wise at the moment. In a few weeks, I suspect I'll enjoy both in different ways. Unless the tieing of characters to the game world does as suggested and dumbs down the often-times fiendishly machavelian CK2 AI that could and would find ways to hurt you.
Yeah, the one generally negative view from everyone is the terrible colour balancing and text boxes. Both for the forums and this game. I don't know what they were thinking or if it will stay like that forever.
Good talk guys, keep it going if you wish. Any and all CK3 musing is pretty appropriate for this AAR.
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Oh lord, that reminds me of an absolutely frustrating game experience I had. This is going to be a bit of a long tangent, sorry. I was playing Francia and an AI Britannia formed. I decided I wanted to pull some Philip the Fair moves, considering I was basically the continental hegemon at that point. I make an anti-pope and press his claim successfully. But apparently I wasn't the only person to try this. AI Britannia's emperor had an antipope too, and I wanted to RP my character's control of papal authority and claims to being the champion of true Catholicism, so I attacked Britannia to depose the anti-pope. After attaining about 80% warscore through occupation, my war ended inconclusively because the antipope no longer existed. Apparently the emperor had ended the antipapacy Then a literal day later the same antipope was back. So I pull all my troops back and do it again. This time I get to something like 40% warscore before the emperor pulls this trick again. I try again, one more time. This time it's 90% before he goes "I dropped the King-Bishop of Ireland's claims to being the true Holy Father for one day, now you have to start all over again. Nyah-nyah-nyahnyah-nyah".
So I plot to murder him and it goes off without a hitch. His kid for whatever reason decides to fight it out and is promptly crushed. Great, that's my papacy problems solved, right? I'll just finish rebuilding the Apostolic Palace wonder, (presumably damaged in my initial siege of the place), right? Well, soon there's a crusade called for Anatolia and when it's won, the Pope decides to take it all. Not only that, but he's now independent, not 3 days after I finished repairing his damn palace for him. I swear, CKII AI...
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