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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Andrzej I

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She probably just imprisoned him as he was (likely) her vassal. Tyranny, ho!
 

Hyena Dandy

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I quickly announce that, hey, you know how Jon Snow is a bastard? Well, uh, now he's not. This is technically probably not allowed in this universe, but whatever. There's two types of argument regarding this. There's the type that says that traditionally bastards can't be legitimized, and the type that says that, traditionally, this bastard's wife sits on the Uncomfy Chair, and has tens of thousands of soldiers at her command so could you repeat that a little louder please?

The war we're caught in is the War of Valeman Independence, lead by 9 year old king, Robert III. I somehow suspect this wasn't entirely his idea, but can't rule out the possibility that he's a nine year old, and they tend to all be pricks.

REBELSCUM.jpg


Still, as a slow, weak, stuttering child, I have a feeling that there may have been someone else involved here. Nevertheless, the war must continue.
And then, out of nowhere, there's a wedding proposal. Really? Now? NOW, Joffrey? You couldn't have waited until we stopped punching this small child? You ARE a douche.
Anyway, I guess you're at least a married douche, now. You and Sansa can have little douchey babies together, if you can stay away from your sister long enough to do it. Yeah, I know about your mom. Time traveller, remember?

Okay, there's a customary dowry. Unfortunately, I've been low on cash for several years, so the dowry is going to be rather small. Whatever. I'm sure Joffrey will forgive me. He seems a forgiving sort. At least his dad was.

SHIT. WAIT.

At this point, I get a message from the Iron Company, saying that they will consider joining me in my war.
Really, guys? Really?

Guys. You realize that war ended, right? I'm not going into debt to beat up a child.

AT any rate, I ask Lord Roose if he can lend me the money to get me out of the debt I got into, courtesy of Sansa's Dowry. Because there's nothing says "Trustworthy" like the Ruthless and Torturer traits.
And then, news arrives.

WinterIsComingTheGooseIsGettingFat.jpg


HEY WAIT A MINUTE. Who's the Sean Bean here, me or you? I'm legit confused, but IMDB does say it's me!

Three events happen in quick succession. First

RowdyRoddyReaver-1.jpg


...Reaver Rodrick the Reader? My daughter was apparently being tutored by a tongue twister. Tongue twisters are notoriously douchey, so to help her learn the art of anti-Douchery, and so I quickly take her back under my wing. Besides, my other female student's aged up, so it's not like I have anything better to do.

ManofHonor.jpg


After that, I am overjoyed to discover my dear son Brandon is becoming honorable. With my daughter back home, her douchebag husband having been demoted to the lordship of a single county, my daughter in law on the throne, and someone else doing my weather predicting for me, things aren't getting better than this!

LordParamountJon.jpg


...Well. Go out while you're on top?
 
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Hyena Dandy

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And to answer, she did get some tyranny, but it wasn't as bad as if she had no reason to imprision as well, so I think he was plotting and she just executed improperly, not sure though.
 

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Technically, there are in-universe instance of legitimazing vassals. I think that a mayor series of civil wars way before the show events were started by a ruler being not carefull enough with wich sons did he legitimize.

Jon "Snow" Stark as king-consort is quite an achievement! Hopefully, you soon will get sexy white-haired stark dudes making weather predictions for the entire continent, won't you?

(I mean, assuming Jon's marriage is not matrilinear
 

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Alright, I'm now Jon Snow. ANd I notice somehting. Something I hadn't at all expected. See, when my wife called everyone to join her in smacking the small child, she had failed to account for the idea that not everyone wants to smack a small child, and as a result, is suffering independence revolts that I'm not actually called into.

Hey, hon, do you want a hand with that?

...
Well, I can't offer to join war, so I'll just wait.
...
...
...
She doesn't call me in. Well, this is cheating, but I find it dumb she wouldn't at least call her HUSBAND to help her with these, so I use the character switcher command, grab her mouth and go "Yes Jon Please Help Me Win These Wars"

And then switch back to me and say "Yes, Certainly!"

The wars are joined. And yeesh, these arne't going so hot. In fact, so un-hot that by the time I have a chance at getting anything assaulted, The Kingdom of the Trident is already independent. And to make it worse, while all this is going on, the cold gets too great for peasants to keep working the land in Winterfell.
Fortunately, good news.
GoDannyBeatupthatchild.jpg

Oh yeah, Danny. You kicked that 9 year old's ASS. I always knew ya had it in you. Admittedly, I can think of something else I'd like to get in you to secure succession, but THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.
Now, the time has come to choose an ambition. It's at this point that I notice that, while I may have gotten the kingdom, my niece Jynessa got Ice. So I want to have that, if possible. Can we work on that?

Well, the time to educate her comes, and I might as well take care of her education myself, and hopefully figure out a way that I can get her sword. Otherwise, I'd have had her get a military education.

She... Quickly gets the trait Cynical. Guys, I think she's onto me.

Well, fortunately, in time the war ends. Sadly, sometime in all that mess, my sister Sansa ended up dying of pneumonia, possibly from the cold, and not only that, now Danny-Girl's legal heir is... Joffrey.

...Well, guys, time to get a little Marvin Gaye going, because that guy, it bears repeating, is a douche. Unfortunately, when peace comes, I notice something else shocking.
NotImportantApparently.jpg

...Danny, you really didn't think ANY of these were worth my noticing? Really?

Yeah, myw ife isn't going to win any popularity contests, this much is for sure. I send Lord Cley to talk to King Rensly II of the Stormlands, age five, which I assume involves waving a teddy bear in front of him and saying "Don't join a faction, don't join a faction."

Right now, only one of my vassals has a beef with me, and that's just that he wants control of the Castle of Harclay. Easily fixed, so at the very least all my vassals think I'm an okay guy. Unlike my wife, who's lost three vassals already and has to deal with some more conspiring. Unsure of what to do, I simply go hunting, leaving my Master of Whispers to be my regent.

My Master of Whispers who's in Storm's End playing with a small child. So basically, no-one's doing anything. All quiet on the northern front, so I'm just hunting and hoping something interesting happens.

Certainlysomethinginteresting.jpg


Well, something interesting happened at least. I got my ass kicked by a boar. See. This is what happens when you don't give me your sword!

Jynessa gets bitten by a snake, because she keeps seaking out danger, which is cool. The more she does that, the more likely she is to allow me to inherit that darn sword. CAN YOU TELL I'M ANNOYED BY THIS.

Cynical, ambitious, and brave. Jynessa Stark, I'm glad you don't have any claims on my stuff, you're turning into an asskicker. Especially since you're as good at leading armies as I am and you're only 7.

Brandon's having his first kiss. Well, look guys, I'm not called 'snow' because of how much I LIKE it when things get hot. I assume. That'd be a weird reason, but I am chaste, so I can't rule it out. Anywa, I quickly talk to him about how love must be Courtly and Proper and Such, and he should be like me, and be six years into his marriage with no heirs.

Now I ask the Lords to vote on Medium Feudal Ta-

DannyAintPopular.jpg


AGAIN?! YEesh, youa re not a popular girl, Danny.

Looks like a guy called Gorold the Lewd is after elective monarchy.

Gorold the Lewd? Eeewww... You know, if this was a secession war, Danny, I'd say just let him. Not sure I want a "The Lewd" in my country. He might get up to, like, First Night. Which, hey, just glad that Bobby didn't force that through, or he'd be forcing a lot of other things through, and no-one wants that. But since it's an elected monarchy war, and I'd like to see lots of little Starklings on the throne, we gotta fight.

For our right.

To PARTY!

(I take after Bobby's approach to Kingship, you see)
Mya.jpg

WTF, Mya? My ex-Sister in Law Mya Stone is putting a hit out on my ward. Okay, apparentlys he's "Mya Ruthermont" now, but that doesn't make much of a difference in my book, to me, she's right now "Mya brother's widow out to kill my other brother." Not cool, Mya. Super not cool.

Ya know, I thought I could trust that "Family Person" trait of yours. I seem to have been wrong.

Or maybe just not the same family. That seems more likely.
Well, much has happened. For example, I've discovered that kids are better at war than I am, but fortunately, not better than my wife.

To hopefully secure my hold on power, I betrothe my 15 year old brother, Brandon, to the 1 year old daughter of the King of the Trident, and 11 year old Rickon to the 5 year old Lady of the Red Watch.

Well, now that I'm going to apparently marry a mermaid and a timepiece, I think that's enough dynastic politicking for one day. We've got a war to win!

And by that I mean Danny told me that she'll act like I helped after she kicks this guy's ass.

Brandon asks me why I let off a peasant accused of poaching. I explain that to do otherwise would be kinda dickish because he needed it more. Brandon decides that he doesn't want to be a dick, so he gets the kind trait.

Kind, Brave, Honorable... His father would be proud. As compared to Rickon, who is craven, patient, cynical, cruel, and arbitrary. This kid is... Not the best guy to have a claim on your throne, yikes. Even more reason to start making little white-haired starklings.

The steam overlay... I mean my... Uh... Wizard camera... Stops working at this point, but shortly after that, I notice that Jynessa is fascinated by fashion. Huh. Cynical, ambitious, brave, and fashionable. I seem to be raising a Bratz character. Then again, she has at least some combat training, so maybe it's more Totally Spies.

After that, the war is over. Mr. The Lewd gets his ass beat and chained up, while I consider that may have been the whole point of the exercise for him anyway, pervy freak. I have my Wizard-Camera repaired, just in time to capture Brandon, now a full adult, and a skilled commander.
HappyAdulthood.jpg


Happy birthday, kid. Try not to get your ass killed by your brother, he looks as bad as that Joffrey guy.
 
Last edited:

Andrzej I

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As compared to Rickon, who is craven, patient, cynical, cruel, and arbitrary. This kid is... Not the best guy to have a claim on your throne, yikes.
Seems like Rickon is prone to getting those traits. Second AAR I've read with him having Cruel and other assorted messy traits at complete random (the other being Aidun's 'The Little Cub'). Who was his mentor? Anyways, definitely need more white-haired, purple-eyed Starklings.

Also, might I ask who is on the independent thrones?
 

Hyena Dandy

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Seems like Rickon is prone to getting those traits. Second AAR I've read with him having Cruel and other assorted messy traits at complete random (the other being Aidun's 'The Little Cub'). Who was his mentor? Anyways, definitely need more white-haired, purple-eyed Starklings.

Also, might I ask who is on the independent thrones?

Mace Tyrell has The Reach, and has rightfully resubmitted to my wife's authority at some point when I wasn't looking. Edmure Tully has The Trident, and Tyrion II "The Imp" Lannister has The Rock.

And here we go again. Danny, we gotta work on your personal skills. You're pissing EVERYONE off.

Fortunately, there's still time to make us some little Starklings, because my wound from that boar got healed. Yeesh, really? You mean that I was fighting a war with a bad leg? I deserve some kind of award for that, surely.

JynessatheDouche.jpg


Oh, come on, girl! The Starks aren't known for their cruelty! I think! I Mean none of us have the trait! We already have one cruel Stark on the list, and now another? I'm going to start seeing bottles of peroxide on the counter any day now. Maybe she should have been betrothed to Joffrey.

Unfortunately, I've got Wroth. And her kicking that rat around pissed me off, leading to my hoping that I can smack it out of her...

The dice don't go my way, and now Jynessa is cruel. Cruel, fashion-obsessed, brave, ambitious, cynical... All I can do is hope that she doesn't start trying to make "Fetch" happen. It's not gonna happen.
Meanwhile, I'm still getting messages about loans that my dad took to finance my now-dead sister's wedding. Man, what kind of asshole was playing him at the time? Yeesh, glad I don't have to deal with that guy.

Good news, everyone! I'm able to press a couple claims on the Riverlands now. I quickly get permission from my wife to send my troops away (they weren't much helping anyway) and the war can start. I hope she can join me. I mean, otherwise I'm a bit screwed, ya know?

...

Well, she can't. And not only that, a suspicious number of my vassals all suddenly have something very, very important to do right now and they can't help out. Thanks for nothing, guys.

Well, my troop numbers would have beena lright if it weren't for those guys, unfortunately, my enemy has troops numbering well over 30,000, while I have less than 15000 total.

I try to battle them to a standstill, counting on attrition from the worsening winter, which has grown harsh, but eventually I have no choice but to surrender as I'm needed to fight against Lord Stannis of the Stormlands. I guess on the bright side, this means that Princess Mean Girl isn't going to get any power that she can use against people. So yay on that, I suppose.
As you can imagine, all this is a lot of pressure to put on a guy, and I'm feeling mighty stressed.
...Fortunately, Danny had an idea to fix it, the type of idea that involves some old school R&B music and a light wine, securing my line provided I don't die in the next nine months and leave my country to Bra-
RICKOOOOOON.jpg

..Rickon...

DARNIT, BRANDON! What did I tell you about getting killed by your brother. Jeez, does everyone just like killing their brothers in this game? Is there a brother killing party I wasn't invited to? Because I gotta say, I got at least one choice I could make in that regard.

Anywa, I got a bit pissy with a priest, probably because I didn't know what a Catholic was doing in the Game of Thrones 'verse. You gotta admit, it was a bit suspicous. My courtier didn't agree, and got pissed off for some reason. Guys, Catholics don't exist in this verse. I am 80% sure of this.

Well, finally my son is born, though lacking his mother's gorgeous locks. I follow the family tradition, and name him one letter off an otherwise standard, English name.
YOUKNEWITWASCOMING.jpg


OH COME ON YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING.
 
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Hyena Dandy

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I've been having a good time, warring against people, helping my wife. She stripped Justice Man of his titles, handing them over to his daughter Shireen, known as "The Delicate Stag" because,w ell, why not?

It's a beautifuld ay in the neighborhood... Until Jynessa comes to me, to say that "Like, I'm totally having dreams, and shit." Naturally, I declare this to be a gift from the Old Gods! Because it can't just be that she... You know... Has weird dreams sometimes. Nope. OLD GODS IT IS.

Also, do I seriously call them The Old Gods? Wouldn't I just call them "The Gods"? I mean, I don't think I would think of them as old. You don't here Jewish guys say "Oh, yeah, we read The Old Testament."

She explains that the dreams were about being chased by giant teeth, and she isn't mystic or anything. I feel rather sheepish about this.


2014-04-12_00025.jpg


...RICKOOOOOON!

Rickon.jpg


Or, considering who the new Iron Throne heir is, equally likely

JOFFREEEEEY!

Joffrey.jpg



How about we compromise.

Rockfrey.jpg



....


ROCKFREEEY!

Danny girl is a bit worried that people might not think she's actually the queen unless she has a coronation ceremony. Wait, really? She hasn't had one yet? No wonder there have been so many revolutions, she doesn't have her Being The Queen hat. Look, see, this is the power of hats. When you wear your hat, they know you're the queen. They probably think you're some random kid... Well, 30 year old, now... Who's bossing them around.

Not long after, I get word that Danny has appointed a new Lord Paramount of the Vale. Really? What ever happened t-

Kiddlywinks.jpg


Oh. Yikes.

Uh... Danny, you know you... Umm... Might want to be careful where you swing that axe... You hit a kid on that one. I get it but... Yeesh.

Also, hello? You couldn't have made me Lord Paramount? Or someone in my family?

...Well, okay, you would have had to go with Rickon. So I get it.


Anyway, Rickon's fiancee is old enough, and thank goodness. I can get the creepy bastard (Well, okay, creepy legitimate, but whatever) out of my house. I demote Lord Roose out of being my Master of Whispers, putting Howland Reed in his stead, because Howland apparently loves me and I wanna make double sure that I don't lose another heir.

Now, Danny is sick and tired of her not owning The Trident, and once Edmure Tully kicks it, she declares war to snatch it away from young Willum. Success. Shortly thereafter, she declares war on Tyrion "Peter Dinklage" Lannister, but not because she intends to take the land. Instead, she just kinda wanted her Hand of the King to have a single county.

Danny-Girl, you are not doing the best job utilizing your armies. Not at all. Especially for someone who actually HAS A CLAIM ON THE TITLE.

Though to be fair to her, trying to take the title might make Peter Dinklage upset.

Yeah, she made the right move.
 

Andrzej I

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Blasted Rockfrey! You must kill them! Hopefully the next child gets the Targaryen look.
 

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Blasted Rockfrey! You must kill them! Hopefully the next child gets the Targaryen look.

Yeah, in restrospect, maybe Rockfrey just knew I wanted a cooler looking kid. :p
 
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Hyena Dandy

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Years pass uneventfully, (Seriously, like, four of them) until finally, thankfully, another kid is born. Smart one, too. Now we don't have to worry about Lord Paramount Douchebag Stark and King Douchebag Baratheon II.
So, now I do a bit of roleplaying, and decide that the kid should have a name that makes hims sound legitimate to the throne. After all, his mother, Queen though she may be, is the second child, and a daughter, of a king who was deposed, and who got the title by deposing him. Her claim on the throne is about as sketchy as the Take On Me music video. I want to send a message, the message being "No, really, he's the king." So we open our History, and find that the first King of the Iron Throne was Aegon Tagaryen.

INventoroftheChair.jpg


Alright, Aegon it is. That's a super-legit name. And totally fantasy sounding too. Beats out Rob-with-two-Bs that's for sure.

Young Aegon is getting scared of the dark. I sit him down and talk to him, explain that it's going to be okay, address the causes of that and... He starts trusting everyone implicitly. This, from what I have learned, is the way of the Starks. Trust anyone implicitly.

"Hey, Aegy, look, you don't need to be afraid."

"NO-ONE LIES EVER!"

Danny declares another war, this one for someone named Donnel's claim on The Paps. Again, a war with someone who should be her vassal... To get a friend of hers a claim. Danny... We need to talk about your misuse of the armies.

I go to talk to her. "Hey, Danny, I-" She interrupts me by suggesting that she educate young Aegon. I'm okay with this, since she does have better stats than me in some places, and I figure she probably has more experience iron-throning than I do. Kid's gonna need all the help he can get. Just... Try not to focus on the "Declare war for minor claims" part, alright dear?


Sadly, Howland Reed dies, so I need a new Master of Whispers. I appoint Jynessa "The Charming Wolf," or as I think of her, "The Valley Girl" to the position. She's got a cool nickname, after all. There were better people for the job, but she was the one who seemed to like me the most. She finds that, like, totally awesome and gets to work.

ValleyGirl.jpg


Ah, the face of someone who knows she will never get her uncle to stop making that joke that only he finds funny.

I start to encounter a problem with Jynny. That problem being that she wants to get married, and I want her sword. Also, she gives me no alliances because she's my niece. I feel like I should probably roleplay Jon by finding her a husband, but I don't know what he'd want for her.

Arya, meanwhile, approaches me and points out that she hasn't had a husband since Tommen was slayed by Yohn Royce in personal combat. I assume, because one of them called the other's name dumb. I'll be honest, not sure which. Anyway, I betroth her to a young nobleman by the name of Jaremy.

Thisisaguysname.jpg


Wait, Jaremy? There is seriously a Jaremy in this setting? Not only that, but apparently he's the second Jaremy to hold the title. The kid's 13, by the way, and is all of a year and a half older than his new son in law. Well, something to be said for experience I guess.

But before Arya can show him what she's learned, I have to go to a wedding feast, where I can give him the traditional Stark wedding present of... Not very much, look, my dad went broke, remember? Well, Jaremy and Arya get married, and I did attend the feast, though mostly to make fun of his dumbass name.

Seriously.

Jaremy.

THE SECOND.
 

Henry v. Keiper

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All fear Jaremy II.

Along with Howard IV.
 

Hyena Dandy

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This AAR is like totally awesome.

"Oh my Old God, I know, right!"

-Jynessa "The Charming Wolf" Stark





Sadly, the text document with my already written next update which I'd planned to post on Thursday has somehow gotten borked. I blame Rockfrey. So, here's my options. Try to reconstruct it totally from memory, summarize amusingly, or provide the events in the form of a song.

Edit: Please note, due to the size of the previous update, options two and three may be "Summaries of the events up to this point."
 
Last edited:

Henry v. Keiper

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Sing with me now...
 

Drogon511

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What an amazing comedy you have made good sir or madam. thank you for all the effort you put into this.
 

Maximus_96

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Every time I play as a Stark Rickon kills any possible heirs I have, a giant pain
 

Crushric

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This. This thread is made of win. Please, by all means, sir or madam, do continue. I will watch with intrigue and with an accent no one can quite place.