Furious Vengance - A 1944 UK AAR

[El Pip]

The Disappointing Beginning​

Right so I've picked UK, marvelled at the large and confused array of fleets/armies and been suitably impressed with the much better IC figure available. Then the problems start;

Seemingly almost five years of continuous total war haven't really convinced the government of the merits of intervention in foreign affairs or a hawk like approach. They'd much rather sit back in a semi-doveish isolation. While watching formations of flying pigs race past.

Moving on to production

Ignoring the slight annoyance of seeing HMS Implacable not being preped for her attack on Tirpitz but sitting unfinished in a dockyard I was confused by quite a few things on this list. Not least such rubbish subs. I mean that list of rubbish subs and A-class subs could almost be from the start of the game. This needed investigating.

My first port of call was HMS Vanguard, laid down in 1941, launched 1944 but absent.

Well that explains that.

Moving on, where were the Colossus class carriers? They should be finished by year end ready for some Far Eastern Fleet action....

Well that's a bugger.

Still at least when I do research these ships, probably some time after their historic launch date mind, I'll be able to build them quickly....

Oh. Well obviously years of desperately building shipping as fast as possible to replace U-boat losses didn't rub off on the shipyards.

Thankfully that wont be a problem anymore. With the Battle of the Atlantic won, Bletchley Park humming away and proper ASW air/sea escorts we'll see no problems there...

Oh. Obviously the Royal Navy must have just 'forgotten' all that. Better buy my Admirals some paper so they can write these things down.


My naval disappointments were, sadly, just the beginning. There was a whole world of army and air force-based letdowns yet to come.

 

[El Pip]

The Continuing Pain.​

Fresh from my naval disappointment I was relying upon the Army to pull me through and improve the situation. I decided to build some super-heavy tanks. Yes they're inefficent, a luxury item and were only ever a prototype but I do have a soft spot for the British super-heavy, partly for its 32pdr gun but mainly because it's called "Tortoise" which is a stunning name for a tank.

Or not in this case. There go my dreams of hordes of British Tortoises killing German Panthers and Tigers in some kind of bizzare tank-based reptile vs cat battle.

Still at least I'll have the Sexton to add some self-propelled artillery punch. Yep that battle hardened design...

.. hasn't been developed yet. All those armoured units using it for the last year or more have been imagining it. They must have very strong imaginations to kill all those Germans and Italians with a non-existent unit that's all I'll say.

Still I suppose it doesn't matter much as I haven't got many brigades at all now I check. It's like complaining the yacht you don't have isn't made of gold, doesn't matter what it is you still don't have it. Time to check deployments, now the UK doesn't have many armoured divisions so it's a good thing they aren't sitting around in the middle of nowhere, far from any enemy doing nothing.

Oh. Well Syria is a dangerous French Puppet that at any moment could do something. I mean it wont, but it could. So it clearly needs an armoured garrison.

Those armoured garrisons do at least free up valuable militia units to do vital tasks....

Well surrounding Ethiopia is a vital task. I mean it might try and escape to the South Pacific. Or something equally as implausible requiring huge amounts of troops.


Frankly it's not going well and it only gets worse with the airforce.

 

[El Pip]

The Final Straw.​

The government and two services down it was left to the RAF to redeem this scenario and bring hope and calm to situation.

Linking in from the army to the airforce is clearly the paras. Couple of Airborne divisions, one in Italy one in Normandy seems about right. Now where are their transports...

Calcutta obviously. Now that's either a very long range air drop or those paras don't use aircraft. Perhaps they use the lost art of Ninja osmosis? Who can tell.

Lots of strats which is nice, but no Gloster Meteors. Given the first squadron formed not long ago, historically speaking anyway, that's annoying. Still build a few and it'll be fine.

Ah. So no jet fighters for a while then.

Well I'd better research them, it'll be a delay but it could be a game balance thing. I mean they couldn't ignore the vast amount of jet research done in Britain could they, although Frank Whittle is only skill 7... No they wont have missed that out.

ARRRRRRRRRGH!

Right that does it. Paradox have pushed it too far, laziness or Anglophobia I care not, they must pay!

Have it!

You will pay Sweden. You will pay...

 

[El Pip]

The Plan.​

So Sweden must pay. It's an excellent concept but probably needs slightly more detail to be called a plan. Much deep strategic thinking produces this masterpiece;

1. Control the North Sea
2. Land on Norway's Western Coast
3. Bludgen my way across Norway into Sweden
4. Capture all Swedish cores
5. Annex the evil enemy bringing the quest of furious vengeance to an end.

A fine plan, let's go carry it out. First stage is to control the North Sea; Bomber Command is called of bombing Germany and sent to join Coastal Command in bombing the North Sea. This force, together with the vast but badly arranged fleets the thrice damned Swedes gave the Royal Navy, are to sweep the area clean for the invasion.

Haha! First success, we have sunk a Tirpitz!

No that's not right. Let's try again;

Haha! We have sunk the Tirpitz!

Good work HMS Malaya! Still life in the old girl yet it seems.

In fact the entire force is doing a not to shabby job.

I think we can call that close enough to Naval Domination.

But wait! A cunning Swedish counter-stroke! Is it the Swedish Fleet coming out for another doomed attack? Is it naval bombing of my fleets? Massed armies guarding the Norwegian coasts?

No it's the Swedish airforce attempting to bomb the 14th Army in Burma, but being intercepted by the local RAF. Obviously.


This is either a fiendishly cunning plan or a really, really stupid move by Sweden. Find out next time when the ground war is planned and the invasion goes in!

 

[El Pip]

Tough Decisions.​

Time to plan the land invasion. What I need though is troops, but where from? I could always borrow the Normandy follow up forces. Allies are consulted at the highest level;

It doesn't look good;

That's the world cursed to years of inaccurate Hollywood rubbish. Unfortunately. Still the Americans are a few years late for this war so need a chance to catch up in the fighting stakes.

With the Yanks out what about our noble allies the French?

To be fair I didn't expect anything better from that tit. So with no credit, gratitude or even thanks for liberating France we decide not to bother supporting the Normandy landings,it just isn't worth it. Besides we have more important herring to smoke!

By using the Normandy forces for Norway we have a ready prepared invasion force. Result. Next on the list of requirements is a codename, while "Smash Those ****ing Swedes" is the early favourite it isn't actually a codename per se. More a mission objective.

Reluctantly we select "Dancing Meerkat" as the codename as it has sod all to do with anything we're doing and will confuse any spies. And possibly our own side, but that's a risk we have to take.

For this plan we assemble several Army Groups. From those units on the south coast we form Army Group "Nicked From D-Day". Those north of Watford but below Scotland form Army Group Northern Monkey while those in Scotland form the strategic reserve; Army Group Men In Skirts.

The final Army Group; Group Doesn't Appear In This AAR is sent over the North Pole to open a northern front. These brave men had heroic and exciting adventures that are far too thrilling to recount here and so aren't. Only fair the readers share in the disappointment.

The army is assembled and the plan made. Next on the list is bringing the plan (and troops) into contact with the enemy. And that will go fine wont it? Wont it?

 

[El Pip]

The Beginning of the Beginning of the End (Nordic Edition).​

The force has landed in Norway! Huzzah! Our three pronged coastal assault was a complete success.

Festung Norwegen my arse.​

Some may claim that was because we'd bombed the German garrison to death and were in fact walking onto undefended beaches, but they're just defeatist and probably Swedish sympathisers.

The men landing in Bergen were particularly pleased, they'd heard from the US forces in France that liberated villagers tend to be 'grateful' for being liberated and were very vigorous in expressing that gratitude.

A grateful French peasant. This was not the kind of vigorous gratitude the troops appreciated.​

Fortunately the lads hadn't heard that part and were expecting a different sort of gratitude. Surely the second city of Norway would provide this? Well yes they were grateful and did express their thanks with their most treasured gift, their famous sack;

Don't get me wrong, it's a nice sack and all but not what the lads were hoping for when they heard 'most treasured gift.'

Luckily morale is raised with good news from our valiant Brazilian allies! The Brazilian Expeditionary Force has arrived!

Sadly they've arrived in Italy. A long way behind the front lines. Using badly out of date gear. And at less than half strength. Woo indeed.

If that's not bad enough we have yet more Swedish aerial connivances to cope with.

The brave efforts of the Swedish airforce to defend occupied Holland from absolutely nothing at all leaves me speechless.

" "

As I recover from the shock yet more shocking news happens in a shocking fashion! Shockingly!

 

[El Pip]

A New Challenge. A New Plan. ​

Oslo has fallen!

Damned literal art work. I'm sure you can work out what I mean though.

Now we've got to the Swedish border we must consult the map of importance to see where needs taking to once and for all suppress the damned Swedes.

Five whole places? Typical Swedes, over rating themselves while disrespecting others. And as for the choices; Karlstad? I mean really. That's a town so awful even the Swedes have burnt it to the ground four times. At least their honest about the forsaken wasteland that is Northern Sweden, so dull even the Elk die of boredom.

Before completing our planning we must know where the Swedes are. For this we rely on aerial recon;

Bravely guarding Denmark. And Kassel. While the Finnish air force heroically defends Frankfurt. That's either a really cunning plan or gaining revenge could be considerably easier than I first imagined.

However it's not all good news. The increasingly inaccurately named "Army Group Doesn't Appear In This AAR" are hitting a serious philosophical, not to mention practical, problem; How do you sneak across the North Pole to invade Northern Scandinavia when the lazy and/or incompetent Swedes didn't include it?

The area above Northern Scandinavia showing the complete absence of Svalbard, let alone any hint of a pole.​

How incorrect will the name Army Group Doesn't Appear In This AAR become? What cunning plan are the Swedes waiting to spring by guarding Kassel? Is it a lust for bacon that makes them guard Denmark or just stupidity? What horrible additional insults await? One of these questions will not be answered next time but the rest might!

 

[El Pip]

Non-Swedish based Vengeance.​

As the brave forces of Army Group Nicked from D-Day continue to drive ever closer towards the dark heart of the evil Finnish empire, or Stockholm as some call it, I realise I probably should look at the other fronts I'm fighting on.

In the Far East the Royal Navy has been split into the not-at-all unbalanced and in-no-way confusing Eastern Fleet, Far East Fleet, Indian Ocean Squadron and East Indies Force. These four fleets, all based out of Colombo, combine badly assigned escorts with the mixing of old and new ships to ensure none of the fleets are actually any use and the fighting potential is reduced as low as possible. Worse than the AI even. Damned Swedes!

More seriously the accursed Moose-botherers (and not in a good way I hasten to add) have a new and even more terrifying enemy, the Ghurkas!

Of all the people who's honour you should never offend by misspelling their name, at the very top of the list you will find Ghurkas. Were they not so evil I might feel sorry for the Swedes, luckily they are really evil so have it coming.

Moving west of Suez we discover the 8th Army is rapidly approaching the Gothic Line, a fearsome line of German fortifications playing some very depressing music

Private Robert Smith tapping his foot to the spirit crushing dirges being played not shown.​

Fortunately our brave Brazilian allies show their true worth by playing some upbeat Samba! The cheerful rhythms drive the Goths back, the black clad goons desperately fleeing any sign of happiness. The effect of this influx of Goths on the German troops is terrible.

The poor bastards, led by Himmler and surrounded by Goths. The German forces in Italy are low on morale and have lost the will to live, let alone fight. Except those weirdos in 74.Infantrie-Division, they like it. Freaks.

With German forces badly led, depressed and short on Leiderhosen Field Marshall Slim wraps up North Italy with ease

Full ease of mopping up operation not shown. It was actually really, really easy.​

However Slim does notice one of the other Allied commanders is quite badly lost;

MacArthur; Returning to the Philippines by way of North Italy. Not the most conventional route I've ever seen used I must confess.


With the rest of the war going well, it's time for the final act in Scandinavia. They rigged the game so they would be gods, very well but they must pay the price. They must face their Ragnarök and discover even gods can bleed!

 

[El Pip]

The End of the Beginning of the End.​

The advance into Sweden begins, with the town of Åmål rapidly conquered. Morale among the men rapidly sinks as they discover just how bad Sweden really is and how low their chances of grateful women folk really are.

Åmål. So terrible even the Swedes hate it. And don't have a chance to pull either if you've seen the film.​

Forcing themselves to push on the men discover even greater horror in the city of Gotham where the full extent of Swedish moose bothering becomes apparent:

"Holy Liberal Bestiality Laws Batman! I know this is Sweden but are you sure that's legal?"​

In attempt to expunge the memories the city is renamed Gothenburg and all who witnessed it ordered to never speak of it again except as "The Incident".

With most of the western coast in British hands only the fortress city of Malmö holds out, defended by the brave Swedish cavalry.

And we do mean cavalry, not armoured cavalry or cavalry tanks, just men on horses armed with swords and the occasional pointy stick. And they're fighting six times their number of better equipped men in trucks. This should be fun.

And by fun I do of course mean rapid victory.

With the invasion going well our American allies ask for some help. Apparently the Battle of the Bulge isn't going well. We tell them to eat a few less pies and maybe do some exercise rather than drive everywhere. They thank us for this advice but say they were actually talking about the lack of progress in the low countries due to the heavy German defensive line. We say that makes more sense.

With Allies to think about Britain's finest military minds are brought together to come up with a cunning plan to break the stalemate in Holland. How hard can it be?



Will the blatant foreshadowing be punished? Has anyone seen that film and so able to understand the double reference? Has a line finally been crossed resulting in account deletion and Stalinist airbrushing from the forum for El Pip? So many questions and so few answers, except for in the next update!

 

[El Pip]

The Ending of the End of the End. At the End.​

Faced with the American request for help the finest minds of the British Army gather together to discuss how to help win the Battle of the Bulge. While waiting for plans and maps to arrive many ideas are discussed, an amphibious landing on the North West German Coast, a vast armoured punch through Arlon and Luxembourg then on through Western Germany to encircle the whole of Belgium and Holland in a vast pocket or whether to do something really ambitious.

Suddenly Montgomery stands up, announcing a cunning plan to use hordes of paratroopers and gliders to seize key bridges throughout Holland, cutting off vast amounts of Germans and allowing an armoured corps to rapidly advance to the German border, liberating vast swathes of Holland in one fell swoop. Monty's exposition of his cunning plan is cut short when the plans arrive;

The maps and plans our brave US allies have sent over reveal their problem, half their army has got lost and is heading South not West.​

The problem is easily identified and the US supreme commander summoned so we can explain the problem.

Suitably embarrassed Eisenhower thanks us for finding the problem, we tell him not to be too hard on himself. The US may be bogged down in the Low Countries but it has liberated a great deal of France, admittedly by mistake, but it still counts. He cheers up and heads of to find his lost troops.

The massed military brain power, including a now miffed Monty, return their thoughts to Operation Baltic Hammer. The advance is going well but resistance must harden around the Swedish capital. The reserves are committed and Army Group Men In Skirts is sent from Scotland to take the capital. The effect of this on the Swedes is incredible, as this captured diary reveals;

1st 'Moose Surprisers' Infantry Division - Campaign Diary
14th July
It's cold, damp and we're low on supplies. The countryside is bleak and we've just heard news more of our country has been captured. Naturally after such depressing news morale is high among the men with furniture assembly commonplace as troops celebrate yet more depression.

15th July
We've been assigned to defend Västerås, gateway to Stockholm. Such is the men's determination they are barely spending 6 hours a day sitting in Saunas or hitting themselves with sticks, never before have Swedes shown such devotion to duty!

16th July
Engaged the British 51st Highlander Division.

17th July
The battered remains of the division have made their way to the outskirts of Stockholm, event though the King remains in the Palace the men's morale is shot. The horrors of the previous day's battle are such there is no will to fight.

The battle began well with the men laughing at the advancing men in kilts, it was only when they remembered how cold it was that they worked out how tough you must be to only wear a short skirt in such weather. The worst point was undoubtedly the psychological warfare when the Highlanders revealed they were in fact wearing nothing at all under the kilt, prompting whole battalions to flee in terror. The battle, if you can call it that, was lost shortly afer.

18th July
The British advance and battle draws near, the few men who survived and haven't deserted ready themselves. Although we will fight we do not expect to win. How can one beat such devils in skirts?

End of Diary

As Army Group Men In Skirts smashed across central Sweden the key cities and towns fell like skittles. With the army surrendering on mass, the navy sunk and the airforce still bombing Burma organised resistance in Sweden was over.

Sweden prostrate before Britain begs for peace and mercy.​

Peace we can do, mercy... Well does Sweden really deserve mercy after their crimes?

Sweden experiences peace. And total annexation and occupation, but that is a sort of peace and they never specified what sort of peace what they wanted. It's a valuable lesson for them.​

With Sweden conquered are work here is done, sure there's the niggling matter of defeating Germany and Japan but the important job, the defeat of the evil, treacherous and Anglo-phobic Swedes is complete. Our children can now group in a world free of ABBA, inferior meatballs, Ikea and Volvo and isn't that worth fighting for?


Will the AAR end here? Is there anything else that can be done that's funny? Why was there such a big gap between the last two updates? Does anyone really believe the first question is a question, and if so why, as if it was the end surely I'd of put "The End" at the end of that update? Did anyone know the Fucking Almo is about teenage lesbians, thus explaining why the soldiers wouldn't get any 'gratitude' from them? Is this the longest run of questions at the end of one of my AARs? All this, except those that I've already answered, could be answered next time!

 

[El Pip]

Sorting Out Europe.​

Even with the US Army now mostly heading in the right direction Allied war plans in Europe are in tatters, apparently we are going to lose the Race to Berlin! Given how smashed the place is we question how much Berlin is really worth these days. We are told the actual prize is Eastern Europe. That makes more sense we say.

Consulting a map we see the Soviets are in fact quite close to Poland, we therefore decide to check what Stalin's plans are. He assures us there will indeed be free elections. While we are initially pleased by this until we soon 'discover' this;

"It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything." - Joe Stalin.​

Given that we declared war, notionally anyway, because of Poland it would be a bit of a shame to see it become just a satellite country, it's people in Pact together in Warsaw behind some sort of Steel Drape across Europe. We decide to work on the wording of that last part perhaps and tell Churchill to have a look at it when he's got a moment.

At the planning meeting Monty suggest a cunning airdrop to open a path for an armoured charge across the Rhine into Germany. Aside from the small issue of all the Paras being in either Northern Norway or Southern France and the high concentration of Germany troops in Holland there are two small problems with the plan; 1. All the Transport planes are in Burma and 2. All the Transport planes are in Burma. While technically only one problem, it was such a big one it had to be mentioned twice.

RAF Transport planes in Burma. Obviously. Damned Swedes, even from beyond annexation they still vex me!​

As Monty sulks, again, our Allies propose a more conventional breakthrough then a drive to Berlin next spring. That does seem quite slow and unnecessarily complicated. We propose Operation Stop-Buggering-About-And-Just-Win.

First stage;

Some people may say launching an amphibious assault, at night, without marines, or shore bombardment, or aerial support, against one of the finest German general is a bad idea.

Some people are wrong.​

With Copenhagen secured the Royal Navy surges into the Baltic for stage two;

Fortunately it appears Germany has outsourced it's coastal defences to cheap eastern labour. Well Hungarians anyway. As the Hungarian 22nd Unpronounceable Division try to defend Germany we successfully disprove General Patton's motto. The way to win this war is in fact to make the other guy die for someone else's country. Bad luck Patton, better luck next time in the motto competition.​

It's a good thing Berlin is well defended or this could be far too easy.

Oh..​

Still a win is a win. And I have won the prize

Frankly, I was expecting a bit more than that. More fanfare perhaps. Damned cheap Swedish production values.​

What prize will Britain choose? Is that event too gamey? Is that even possible in a mostly game play AAR? Is this "prize" in fact Highlander-esque and thus prone to increasingly worse sequels and really terrible spin-off TV shows? If so do the Men In Skirts actually have French accents? What of Japan? There are more questions than answers, certainly in this AAR.

 

[El Pip]

Sorting Out the Far East.​

We do, of course, choose annexation of Germany and her Allies. It's not like belligerence is really an issue at this stage and 'Prestige' is a very vague term, it's not like this is Victoria is it?

"Look - VE Day! Complete with entirely free, where from means 'Rule from London because they can't even look after their own independence properly' Eastern Europe!​

Amid the rejoicing there is still the issue of Japan and her almost-evil puppets. While real puppets are evil, with those strange staring empty eyes that follow you around the room, Japan's puppets clearly aren't as there names are far too silly. I mean who'd be frightened of Mengkukuo, it sounds like a sneeze. An allied planning conference is assembled.

The meeting begins with the representative of Honduras suggesting a massed surge of the Allied armies east, a clear out of South East Asia and then a landing in Japan. We express our surprise at both the plan and the presence of Honduras as we hadn't known they were part of the Allies. The same applies to the large chunks of Latin America who've turned up late like a bunch of freeloaders after the real work has been done. Canada shares our annoyance and suggests an invasion of the Japanese home islands led by Mexico with support from Cuba and the rest of the lazy freeloaders, reasoning they're even later than the US into the war so have even more catching up to do. That or they should just shut up.

With Latin and Southern America suitably quiet the real planning begins, the US worried that a landing on the home islands would be fiercely opposed and that our patented 'Take the Capital and Win' plan may not work. We agree and propose a cunning plan!

"But what plan could be so cunning as to force a Japanese surrender? Threats of force? Nuclear weapons? Some really dodgy sushi imports?​

A plan as cunning as cunning fox who is Professor Of Cunning at Oxford University of course, as this exclusive footage from inside the Imperial Palace reveals

Hirohito - suitably enraged and ashamed at being outwitted by the British Empire and his arch-rival-in-Imperial-terms, George VI. On the other hand he wasn't really a proper Emperor anyway, Japan and Korea is barely two countries. I mean the King-Emperor George VI has a ridiculously vast chunk of the globe to command, that's proper Emperor-ing. It was never a fair Imperial fight, making him even stupider to start it in the first place. I've got no sympathy and neither will the judge I'm sure.

"VJ-Day! We would hand the various colonies back to the Dutch, but according to our records they've left the Allies. That or the game is lying to us, which as we all know never happens. Either way we're keeping them for the moment. Equally the Philippines will be liberated from the crushing heel of American Colonialism and will instead live under the considerate thumb of British Imperialism, which is clearly much better.​

We have brought peace to the world through superior cunning, which is like superior fire power but less violent and considerably faster. Yet as the world relaxes in new found peace and people begin to plan for peace the post war future appears bleak for an exhausted and bankrupted Britain.

What chance of another cunning plan to save the day? Will the French actually show any gratitude for being saved? Could we privatise the Dutch East Indies to raise a few quid? Will anyone notice that cunning plan for Japan was based of a Casey & Andy cartoon? How can a war game like HOI2 model peace and economic rebuilding? Will the next update be really dull? What is the capital of Assyria? Peace has come but there are still more questions than answers!

 

[El Pip]

Taking Stock.​

We begin this update with an apology. We may, in the past, have cast aspersions about our Dutch colleagues contribution to the war. In fact we may have gone as far as to suggest the lazy clog wearing cowards didn't deserve to get their colonies back as they done nothing useful to deserve them. However new information has come to light which forces us to reconsider;

Notice the complete lack of Netherlands from this list. Clearly the damned lazy Swedes couldn't be bothered to put them in.​

In light of the complete absence of their country we're prepared to let them off. However all comments about the French and Belgians still stand. As does their punishment;

France and Belgium shown officially deported to Africa, for their many crimes. The road to rehabilitation will be long and torturous, plus if they don't complete before de-colonialisation they may cease to exist. Which would be funny you must admit.​

An urgent message from the US reminds us of some most urgent duties we must perform.

The US spreading freedom and democracy to the Far East.​

There is but one small problem with that decision;

The US may say you can decide your own fate however they don't run the place, we do. So until you stop eating pets we're keeping a close eye on you Korea. Consider yourselves warned.​

As down right rude as that message was, if they want to muck around in Korea they can damn well conquer it themselves, it has reminded us of our duty to free deserving people across Europe who have been enslaved too long;

No, no. Only joking of course. The Swedes should consider themselves lucky if they're allowed a few words of a dialect of someone else's language after I'm done with them, let alone their own country. No the real deserving countries

Poland, because we went to war over them. The Czechs because we should have gone to war over them. Denmark for the bacon. Norway as part of a cunning plan.​

There are a few others on probation due to siding with the Axis or certain funny ways. You know who you are and yes I'm looking at you Greece and your shocking drains. Get a plumber in and we might let you go. Submissions as to why your country deserves freedom despite it's crimes and/or funny ways and/or author forgetfulness will be accepted and dealt with appropriately.

Combining reward for loyal friendship and suitable punishment we deal with the former Swedish territories.

There's a certain natural justice to it isn't there?​

With the Scandinavian reshuffle complete we look upon the new Northern Europe;

Swedes; know your place. You're just an inferior sort of Norwegian, nothing more.​

But who else deserves freedom? Will any impassioned native on this forum demand their countries freedom? What of Britain's economic problems? What of France? Will the US release the Netherlands? Will the Former Low Country of Flaoonistan ever return to Europe? So many questions!

 

[El Pip]

Financial Genius.​

As we survey Europe we consider liberating Luxembourg in light of public pressure, however it becomes apparent the US really isn't keen on the idea. We ask them how this squares with 'self-determination'. They says it's a one off. We present them with the Dossier of Hypocrisy:

The Dossire of Hypocriscy - Proof that when the US says it's anti-Imperial, it actually means anti-anyone-else-having-an-empire.​

Putting the idea on the back burner we continue our survey of Europe. We are surprised at how empty it is;

All the nations of Europe. Quite quiet isn't it?​

Our quiet tour is interrupted by budget day. That day of the year when you get to find out how much money the government will steal from you and waste on consultants and other such tat. What?!?! How much? It appears the war cost slightly more than we expected. In fact it cost quite a lot more. We consider raising taxes to try and cover the cost, but apparently a basic rate of tax of 130,000% percent is 'Silly', 'Impractical' and, worryingly, 'Not enough'. Bugger.

We bring together the finest minds in the Empire for a conference to solve the problem. They work through the problem logically;

1. We spent most of our money liberating Europe.
2. As the people we've liberated our unlikely to say thank you or be grateful, they should pay up.
3. But, Eastern Europe has been thoroughly looted and the Yanks got to Western Europe first.
   
   
   

   
   See how France has been forced to sell large chunks of the country to the US in order to pay war debts.​
4. As Germany did the looting they should have money and so they can pay. Yes it didn't work last time, but this time we've occupied the place. It'll be fine.
5. But they're broke as they stored it all in Swiss banks.
6. So we need to get the Swiss banks to pay up. But they're hiding behind Swiss banking laws.
7. So we need to get the Swiss government to change the banking laws. But as the the only Swiss industry is providing banking for evil dictators and their henchmen they're unlikely to go for it.
8. So we need a more accommodating Swiss government.

Well that was surprisingly easy, but how do we get a more accommodating Swiss government?

Yeah, that'll do it.


Does anyone have any doubts about the outcome of this war? Will our brave allies do anything useful? Given the number of Swiss divisions hiding in mountain provinces with mid-high level forts could this actually be slightly tricky? Will any gamey events be required for victory? Does anyone actually read these questions? All this might be answered next time!

 

[El Pip]

Military Cunning.​

As we prepare for war with the Swiss, we know we will not be alone. Our brave Free French Allies....

Have other things on their mind. Fair enough, I can't really complain about that. At least our US Allies are being helpful;

Bradley! Clark! Eisenhower! Some bloke in a silly hat! Such military genius, how can things go wrong?

How... convenient.​

So as we prepare for war with the Swiss we know we will be alone. So be it. The attacks go in, but the first reports aren't looking good.

Hmm tricky. Mountaineers dug into their mountain fortress, not classic tank country is it?​

The greatest military minds gather to discuss a plan, Monty suggest a daring plan; to the great surprise of almost no-one it's paratroopers dropped on key locations. While we like some parts of Operation Mountain Garden we think we can do better.

Well it involves planes, if not in the same way Monty envisaged.

Switzerland is conquered, the banks are ours!

The amount a typical Swiss banker keeps as petty cash for tips to his driver.​

With lend-lease paid back in full and the war debts cleared things are looking pretty good for Britain. But there is still the problem of Western Europe. And what of the Soviet bear? Or the still fascist-but-regretting-it Portuguese! Ohh so many problems.

Actually that was actually surprisingly easy, wasn't it? Are there no challenges left? Well apart from the US and the USSR obviously. As the only challengers to Britain's title of Superpower they'll need dealing with. But just how cunning a plan will be needed to cut those two pretenders to the throne back to size? Will the updates return to a decent length or will I just knock out a quick update to put this AAR out of it's misery? How many more readers can I offend through deeply gamey events? You can only find out next time!

 

[El Pip]

To the Great Surprise of all Involved.​

As we look at the new world order, things seem excellent. The twin perils of German and Japanese fascism have been defeated, Europe is liberated and we gave the Italians a damned good thrashing as well. But all is not well, there is a dark cloud on the horizon; Gracie Field has survived the war.

No, no of course not that. As bad as her singing was (her attempts to 'entertain' the troops crushed British morale so badly she personally extended the war by six months) it can't compare with the real threat, the menacing beast in the east; The Soviet Union.

Fortunately the Americans are on top of the matter and have arranged a meeting at their Supreme Headquarters, Europe, Military And Logistic Establishment. We decline to go, mainly because we can't keep a straight face while discussing a meeting inside Eisenhower's SHEMALE. After everyone finally stops sniggering we re-arrange a proper meeting.

The US plan is stunning, laid out in incredible detail by all the specialists; Patton describing unstoppable armoured thrusts cutting through the Soviet Union, Bradley evoked visions of mechanised infantry walling of advances and encircling key locations, even the US Navy got involved, Nimitz expounding a brave scheme to fight a path up the Baltic and land Marines in Leningrad.

As the full details of this stunningly ambitious plan sink in one man stands up, his name is Field Marshall Montgomery and he proposes an alternative plan. A plan involving a paradrop on a key location. Yet to the great surprise of all involved it is actually a good plan, so good it was put into action as Operation Undead Garden!

Stage 1
War with Haiti

Stage 2
Bludgen Haiti

Stage 3
Win in Haiti

Stage 4
Curse the sodding Dominicans.

Never trust a country named after a bunch of monks. Particularly Assisi-stan, the most unreliable of all the Soviet Republics.​

Stage 5
Return to London and Highgate Cemetery. This is the most cunning and dastardly part of the plan.

Dear Lord, what have we created? Truly an offence against man and god! Still it'll get the job done and, more importantly, it'll be nowhere near us.​

Stage 6
Start Operation Undead Garden!

As Zombie Karl Marx is dropped by Lancaster bomber over Moscow, panic ensues in the Soviet leadership. They can't shoot the founder of communism, but he's going on on a rampage eating anyone who isn't equal, making the elite Politburo top of the target list!​

Stage 7
Victory!

In exchange for stopping the Zombie Karl Marx, using our patented Adam Smith capitalism cannon, the Soviet Union surrenders to the clearly superior United Kingdom. Huzzah!​

The eastern threat has been dealt with, but our work is far from done. There are still bits of the map that aren't pink, nations suffering under the terrible strain of not being run from London or being a British puppet state. We cannot, in good conscience, let so many people suffer such an awful fate.

 

[El Pip]

The Tidying of Lose Ends.​

Those who have persevered this far may remember the horrendous treachery of the Dominican Republican, truly the most evil of all the monk-based nation states. We wrack our brains to find some way to counter their vast monastic armies, we ask our American allies to have a look around Belgian to try and find the Trappist beer ninjas.

Ahhh. It appears its still VB Day (Victory in the Brewery Day) in Belgium. We'd probably better look somewhere else.​

We consider using the elite armoured warriors of Knight Templar-istan, the most fictitious of all the made up Soviet Republics, sadly they're busy in the US. We're not sure what they're doing, all we heard was some muttering about 'That sodding Dan Brown'. Means nothing to us, but we're not going to argue with people carrying swords that big.

Then, out of the blue, it comes to us. Franciscan Ninja-monks! The perfect warriors to counter the evil Dominicans.

He may not look much, but he's fearsome when roused.Fearsome.​

Right, the plans from Operation Undead Garden are brought out and the names changed, Monty is given an extra medal as we're using his plan again, although he's also reminded of his past rubbish plans before he gets too cocky. Even better the evil monks start doing our work for us;

How handy, that's trimmed an entire week of the operation's timetable.​

Everything is ready when, suddenly;

Well that was unexpected.​

Obviously we're not that bothered about Tibet, looking through our old treaties it appears we were in fact paid a large sum of money by China specifically not to be bothered about Tibet, however this is a great reason to declare war on China. Especially given our other plan was to claim that there was fault with Hong Kong and we wanted the rest of the country as compensation for a warranty failure.

So to China, let us liberate them from the horrors of self-rule!

Some may call this gamey. In which case some people really haven't been paying attention to this AAR.​

Naturally our valiant allies (and puppets) rally to the banner of defending Tibet, conquering China being nothing but a convenient side effect of course.

Bizzarely the troops from Bhutan and Nepal are in fact the most useful. Mainly because the rest are stuck in out of the way corners of Africa it's true, but nevertheless these mountain nations have finally been useful. Well done.​

It's not all good news though, there are problems in Eastern Europe. Not with the Czechoslovakia of course but Poland;

Lazy Poles shown next to the useful Czechs, full extent of Polish ingratitude and laziness not shown.​

Frankly Poland is pushing it here, if they don't pull their fingers out we may have to reconsider their puppet status. Czechoslovakia on the other hand gets full points for effort and making the gesture, even though those troops will be sodding useless and probably wont even make it to the warzone before it's all over. Still it's the thought that counts.

War in the Far East? Without gamey events? Can Britain even fight that sort of war anymore? What about the lazy non-troop supplying Poles? Has Dominica escaped punishment for it's crimes? What is the capital of Assyria? All this and less next time!

 

[El Pip]

Hitting the Chinese Dragon. With a stick.​

So war with Nationalist China, frankly we weren't expecting it and are not even slightly ready. Still, at least there's Tibetan forces nearby to help hold the line;

Oh.​

OK so we have a handful of SEAC forces and a half strength militia lead by a blind man with an amusing name. Still we can rely upon the American's surely?

One day we will learn to stop expecting help from our strongest ally, but it's not this day.​

We take FDR to task, he has to just accept that they have no influence at all over Korea, just landing tanks there is not going to change anything. Well it might change things if we were at war, but were not so it doesn't.

America's government repeating it's earlier wrongness over Korea, full extent of US wrongness not shown due to lack of space.​

Anyway, this war is proving to be far more complicated war than we expected, frankly it's getting confusing in places,

The Royal Iraqi army defending Northern India from a Guangxi Clique expeditionary force that had been loaned to Nationalist China. I bet you've never seen that sentence before.​

Meanwhile, a joint Franco-Czech force has been transferred along the Trans-Siberian railroad to invade northern China, do you see that America? That's being useful, none of this mincing around in Seoul trying to make the Korean people decide.

France, did nothing helpful in the Normandy landings and still has much of it's country owned and occupied by the US. Yet they can find troops to invade China on our behalf. Frankly it makes no sense whatsoever, but as its useful I'll let it pass.​

Word reaches us that Australia and New Zealand have formed a joint HQ to control their contribution to the Chinese war, the Southern Hemisphere Expeditionary-force - Headquarters Establishment; SHE-HE. After we stop laughing we tell them to stop hanging around with Eisenhower as he's clearly got some 'funny ways' and is a bad influence.

Eisenhower and his 'funny ways', clearly the HQ names were just a cry for help.​

Clearly fed up with being laughed at, and not just for their commander, the Americans launch a second operation against China;

Look, a US Army landing in a useful place! And they're exploiting that landing with more troops! OK it's just a copycat of the earlier British landings at Yantia, but nevertheless this is the most useful thing they've done all war.​

So the war is underway and the whole of the Allies are hurling their might at China, but are things as easy as they seem? Can Britain remember how to fight an honest war? Will the Nationalist Chinese fight honestly or resort to dirty tactics? Is Eisenhower going to recover? Where does he find that delightful shade of lipstick? Does Patton look good in chiffon? Some of these questions should never be answered but, sadly, will be, only in the next update!

 

[El Pip]

Back from the dead mainly to spite Jape

What goes around, comes around. Then goes around again but harder.​

While the war appears to be going well we are confused, this outburst of US competence has us confused. Clearly Eisenhower is no longer in charge, apparently he's "joined the navy". Literally and euphemistically.

At least he's happy. The reaction of the US navy to this however was not recorded. Probably for the best​

But who is this new US general? It can't be Patton, this warzone is a bit rough for him.

My soldiers can eat their belts, my tanks can run on that smelly petrol stuff but I absolutely must have chiffon darling!​

No can't be him, not since the incident anyway.

As we puzzle over the problem we are invited to the US new HQ, the Expeditionary Force China Joint Headquarters - EFCJH. Try as we might we can't get a rude word out of that. Rude sounds yes, words no.

Still it appears they have abandoned their previous naming system; Basic and Understandable Multi-national Force Unifed Naming - BUMFUN. Frankly it will be missed, especially by some of the public school officers but we try not to talk about that.

The new, competent and seemingly un-deranged general is....

The man in the hat! Some may call him General Clifton Bledsoe Cates, United States Marine Corps, but to us he will always be the man in the hat.​

Excellent, with this in place it is time to move on and drive through Southern China. Ghurkas from the East and Royal Marines from the sea, we soon encircle the Guangxi Clique warlords. We move to annex th..

Bugger.​

I must confess I'm quite annoyed by that, the two sides were notionally allied. Once more the thrice damned Swedes vex me, even from beyond annexation they continue to be annoying. Nevertheless we drive on, into Yunnan, here we will taste victo..

Typical, you've barely annexed a small Chinese state then minutes later you want another one.​

Right that does it. We tried to do this honestly but the damned Chinese kept being tricky, two can play at that game and frankly we're better at it.

That's what I call a real pun-ishment. No I will not be apologising for that.​

With our mastery of gamey events once again re-asserted we look upon China as masters of most of what we survey;

Victory in the East! Again! The whole of China has been annexed, apart from that annoying splodge of orange leftness. No not the Dutch labour party, that would be far worse, this is the home of not-and-wont-ever-be-this-time-Chairman Mao. Quite possibly the only mass murder named after the noise a cat makes.​

With victory complete will Britain enjoy peace? Or are there still a few more loose ends to sort out? Will Britain belligerence reach so high it loops around? What of the traitors of the Dominican republic? Is no event too gamey for this AAR? The last answer is no, for the rest you will have to wait until next time!

 

[El Pip]

A most unexpected war.​

Well we're once again at peace, now as our forces are all over the place it's probably best we wait awhile and try and consolidate our posi....

The Foreign Office was so shocked at this development they forgot to take a proper screenshot.​

So we're at war with Mongolia. And Tannu Tuva obviously, though that can be hard to overlook for those not paying attention. Or even the troops on the ground if we're honest. Anyway it appears the US has decided to cleanse the world of the last of the Comintern, but hasn't got troops anywhere nearby. You'd almost suspect they want someone else to do their dirty work....

Putting such dark thoughts to one side we launch Operation Doing-the-Yanks-Dirty-Work-For-Them-The-Lazy-Buggers. Obviously we'd prefer a more pithy title but we can't find a way to shorten it. Now obviously the first stage of this campaign is to suppress the mighty Mongolian/Tuvan arms-industrial complex

This looks like a job for the Royal Canadian Air Force!​

Now you may mock, I know we do, but you can't deny the Canadians did a thorough job

https://i.imgur.com/e3koogP.jpg/IMG]
[I]I believe this is referred to as a comprehensive mullering. We even bombed the machines they use to work out how badly they've been bombed.[/I][/CENTER]

With that done we consult the Map of Importance;

[CENTER][IMG]https://i.imgur.com/Yt9CzMq.jpg
Not alot to see is there?​

Wait a minute! It appears Tannu Tuva isn't important at all! It makes you wonder why we bothered getting the RCAF to utterly flatten their industry. Still at least our boys can feel better about ignoring them, they are officially not even worth ignoring.

But wait, news from our valiant Allies!

Ah the French.With some militia. Still at least they're here, unlike some lazy Allies I could mention...​

Hmmm military policemen armed with tanks, what kind of crime do these gentlemen investigate? Still it highlights the true heroes of this campaign - The Logistic Corps. Our supply lines stretch from Mongolia to Venice, that is either an act of epic work or really, really stupid planning on someone's part. Possibly both.

As we wait for the somebody to finally get somewhere in the theatre (and for some effort from the Americans to fight the war they started) we turn our attention back to the Caribbean, were we have unfinished business with the Dominicans...

What is this unfinished business? Will this endless war ever end? War! What is it good for? Apart from protecting yourself from fascists aggression, liberating slaves and that sort of stuff obviously? Can Britain withstand a two fronted war without resorting to cheap gamey events? Some of these questions you will have to answer for yourself, the rest will be revealed in the next exciting update!