Freeeeduuum! A Scotland aar

[Aspie]

Okay, my first try at an AAR. I'm using vanilla Napoleons Ambition v2.2 with everything set at normal and starting in 1453 30 May. I will not cheat in any way, but I might unintentionally use exploits, primarily because I dont know anyone yet.
Oh, and any insults to nations, religions, people groups, etc. are purely intended for poor attempts at humour, and are not meant seriously in any way.



James the second were troubled. It might be the hangover he was experiencing, or the short and slightly ugly man by scottish standards (he made foreign diplomats faint) were in front of him and explaining why he couldnt invade England.
"Sire, the English army outnumbers us greatly. Our meager forces stand no chance!"
"What about the french? We're allied to them right?" the king said
"You dont honestly expect the french to help us win, do you?"
"Point. But I want to! The English has been a pain in our side for to long!"
"Patience my lord." the ugly man said while picking his nose "And if you want to go conquering, we can always beat the irish."
"Well get to it then! I got kingly matters to attend to!"

And so, the ugly man (also known as Bob to anyone that bothered to remember his name) set out to conquer Ireland for his master.

Bob decided that if we would have any chance in the conquest of Ireland, knowing how to govern ourselves would be a must.


On the way to attend to his kingly matters, King James II was waylaid by half a dozen Germans in identical and foreign suits.
"Stop. You are ze king of Scotland, ja?" one of them said.
"Who are you?"
"We are Mister Smith." another one said
"We come with an offer, Mr. Ande... James." a Smith said.
"One that you cant refuese" another Smith said
"What is it? And I'm pretty sure I can refuse it, I'm king after all." James replied
"We are here to show ze people of Scotland true German Effieciency." the Smith to the left said
"We ask for nothing in return." James didnt bother to tell which Smith said what by now.
"Well get to it then!" James said
"Exceeelleeent, Mr And... James. Now we'll be off, but we'll come to you at ze turn of ze tide." the Smith's said and left.
"Whats that supposed to mean?" James said dumbfounded, or more dumbfounded at any rate.

Meanwhile, Bob had went to Ireland to make way for the invasion by the scottish army, which were called The Wallace Korps for unknown reasons, most likely due to tradition. When he was there he also visited his cousin, the Bob of Tyrone.
"Hello cousin, long time no see." the Bob of Tyrone said
"Yeah, the King wont let me out much. Says I have to attend all the "boring meating and quelling rebellion" stuff. Anyway, I'd better warn y..." the Scottish Bob said

As he were speaking, the court of Tyrone came into sight range and fainted when they saw the 2 Bobs at once.
"Uh, I'd better leave." the Scottish Bob said

When Bob returned to Scotland, the King was done with his kingly matters, and looked none to sober.
"Finally, thought you'd runned off on me, which case I would haff to exe...excat...kill you." the king said
"Now, lissen here. I've delcared war on the filthy Leinster'seses"
His bodyguard muttered something in his ear.
"I mean the filthy Tyrone's. Good for nothing scum the lot of them, they aint wearin' nuff kilts."

So then James Cochrane, half of the Scottish High Command (the other half being the groundskeeper, William) led the Wallace Korps which numbered 3000 against the Tyrone's 2000 using the well known "You guys attack while I stay at the ships and directs the combat while enjoying some tea." He would later be branded a genious by the british high command.
Despite Cochrane's very modern tactics, the scots were badly bloodied, and not even sending in the Wallace Brigade(half a dozen halfnaked and blue painted men that kept shouting about Freedom and holding 'inspirational' speeches before fights, usually about freedom) to keep the mens morale up, but strangely it didn't help.
Cochrane blamed the French, because they were on the same continent, and thus it was highly suspicius.

Cochrane and his army marched up northwards, hoping to catch the Tyrone's by surprise, and then met a bunch of irishmen. The scots quailed in terror for a while, when they found out it was just the Munster's.
Cochrane and his force marched up, when the king of Munster shouted.
"None shall pass!"
"What?" Cochrane shouted back
"None shall pass!"
"We have no quarrel with you, stand aside!" Cochrane shouted
"None shall pass!"
Suddenly James II had arrived.
"How did you do that my lord?" Cochrane said
"Learned it from my previous general, whats this delay?"
"The irish, they wont let us through."
James II shouted over at the king of Munster.
"I command you, as king of the Scots to stand aside!"
"None shall pass!"
"So be it! Charge!"

The scots and irish charged against each other, and soon a third of the irish army had routed.
The scots paused for a moment, and James II shouted.
"Now stand aside, before we kill you all!"
"Never! This is but a minor setback!"
"Setback? A third of your force has fled!"
"No they havent!"

The scots and irish clashed again. and soon it was merely a few houndred irish left on the field, rest had fled or were dead.
"Victory is ours!" James II shouted again "Now stand aside!"
"This is but a minor morale problem!"

Again they clashed, and eventually the King of Munster was the only one left.
"Now victory is mine." James II said
"No it isn't!"
"You got no army left!"
"I've had worse! Now prepare to die!"
"What are gonna do? Kill a peasant? Now come my loyal army, lets ravage his lands and ravish his women and sheep!"
"Running away eh? You yellow bastard!" the king of munster said, until he was trampled to death by the Wallace Korps.

Later on the Munster and Scottish diplomat met.
"Lets have a white peace." the Munster diplomat said
"No."
"You get 10 bucks? I think I got some in my back pocket."
"No."
"What about, we become your vassals?"
"Hmm, no."
"What then?"
"Well, we annexed you three minutes ago. This conversation was simply courtesy, good bye."
As the scottish diplomat got up from his chair, he vanished mysteriusly in a flash of light.

James II had again vanished back to Scotland to attend to his kingly business, and Cochrane and Bob were directing the attack on Tyrone.
"Wait, you say we should actually pay our troops?" Cochrane said
"Yeah, I were surpriced we havent done so before, especially when we're at war! No wonder they flee at first sign of danger, or a better contract."
"But...Its never been done before!" Cochrane said
"Oh? The english, french, norwegians, swedes, irish, germans, polish, italians..." Bob contunued for some time "And the Gotlanders ALL pay their armies, its just us who dont."
"Well, personally I detest these new fangled things."
"Like the wheel?"
"Yeah, whats wrong with carrying things by ourselves?"

 

[aHuman(oid)]

This is a good start to an AAR, and a good first post. I like how you portrayed smithian economics.

 

[unmerged(87328)]

This post was hysterical:

"Well, we annexed you three minutes ago. This conversation was simply courtesy, good bye."
As the scottish diplomat got up from his chair, he vanished mysteriusly in a flash of light.

"Now victory is mine." James II said
"No it isn't!"
"You got no army left!"
"I've had worse! Now prepare to die!"
"What are gonna do? Kill a peasant? Now come my loyal army, lets ravage his lands and ravish his women and sheep!"
"Running away eh? You yellow bastard!"

Do I detect a hint of Monty Python?

 

[Enewald]

Hmm... a Scotland... hmm...

 

[comagoosie]

Is the next step to conquer Ireland?

great AAR, btw

 

[safferli]

This is a good start to an AAR, and a good first post. I like how you portrayed smithian economics.

He was a Scotsman, after all!

Nice start for an aar! I'll be reading this!

 

[Capibara]

:rofl:

Very nice start and first post, I'll surely be following

 

[Aspie]

Thanks for the comments.

Part 2: The Attack By Bad Bretons on Britannia

"It was the year of our good lord 1458, the first January. The Scottish king had declared war on the divided ireland in search of conquest, but little did he suspect what he would also drag to the fair british isles..."
- Historian Dude

James II were in a meeting with his High Command of the army, or what remaining since half of it were currently in Ireland.
"Hows our conquests in Ireland going?" James II said
"We're winning, m'lord." The High Command of Scotland, and thrice haggis eating champion said
"And..?"
"Thats all I know, see the note?"

William handed a note to James, it was written with crayon.
"We winning. Many city plunder, many irish raped. Few dedd. Cochrane, Scots Hig Comand offisal report"

"Now, I got wee buggers on the lawn, sir." William said and runned out with a weird stick to chase some kids of the lawn
"Well, I see my excellent leadership wins us great gains." James said, and left of for some very kingly matters.

Meanwhile, in Ireland...

"Okay men, this is it. It might not be the end of the war, or the end of the middle of the war. Its not even the end of the start of war, or the end of the start of the end of the war. But, I promise you that this is the end of the start of the end of the start of the war." Cochrane told his men at the onset of the assault on Tyrone.

"You sure this is wise? We cant use our cavalry, so we merely outnumber them 2 to 1! The moral is falling apart!" Bob said to him, but not so the men could listen. The traditional scottish inspiring speach had destroyed enough morale for now.

"You are just a civilian, and this is military matters. McCaldidonaldO'riley!" Cochrane shouted at one of this captains, a half irishman.
"Sir!" McCaldihuradonaldO'riley said
"Attack!"

With the horrible odds of merely two to one in their favor, the scots were brutally pushed back when suddenly from across the sea...

"We come to you now, at ze turn of ze tide." a Smith on horse said, possibly the one who had said it previously
From his side, the Bob of Tyrone appeared
"The Scots stand alone."
"But not much longer! Zharge!"

And with the aid of the german mercenaries....

But, when the Scots had been busy figthing the irish in the north...

"Sir! News from Munster!" a random messenger popped up at Cochrane's side.
"What? We finally found the damned emerald?"
"No, sir! The Leinsters has taken the province! The people of Munster are under a different tyranny than ours!"
"Dammit, the king must not know this! Tell him we've beaten the Leinsterians at ever front!"
"To late, I already told him."

From across the sea, a so far unknown tribe of indians who had never before heard english or knew about the continent across the sea, later sweared they had heard the word "NOOOOOOO" be shouted.
It was the basis of a whole new religion.

Bob (not the Tyrone one) had by now fled to the Scottish court.

"My liege, first I must say that I had absolutely nothing to do with the failure at Ireland."
"Not now, whateveryournameis. We got bigger fish to fry."
"We got fish my lord?"
"Of course we do! Look at these statistics!"
James handed a bunch of statistics enacted by the Clerks of Scotland about the recent income from the Irish provinces.
"So?" Bob said
"Look at this! Fish and Grain! We're the bloody emerald? Are the Irish holding out on us?"
"Emerald?"
"Its the bloody emerald island! Wheres the bloody emerald! It was supposed to make us rich!"
"Theres no emerald in Ireland, sire. It might be a marketing scam."
James II thought for a moment, not a pretty or usual sight.

Meanwhile, in Ireland.

Cochrane had nearly fled the country, if not the Smiths had tied him up.
"Zis iz now how ze war should be fought, mein guten mann. You might be an inefficient scot, but you are still ze general."
"Bu...bu...the king..."
"Conquer zese irish sweins, and then you can flee ze country."
"But their so many... We barely outnumber them at all..."
"But now you got ze germans on your side! All will be assimilated!
And if you dont, we'll kill you!"

Meanwhile, at the scottish court.

James II were still trying to think when a new random messenger came with a message. He handed it to the scottish king and vanished. Government officials had the highest death rate in the country.

"This..." James II said "Is bad."
"What, my liege?" Bob said

"We're at war with the bretons!" James II said
"So? they are offering peace."
"They were allied to the irish! And if we accept, we cant conquer Ireland in to long time! I wont have it!"
"Yes my liege, after all they only has two provinces, what harm could they do."

The sky was completely clear, a rare even on the isles, but yet an ominius thundercrack were heard.

Then a old, and overally boring looking man entered. He smelled of old papers, and he weared a medalion formed like a red tape. You could smell clerk a mile off. A small boy followed him, with important looking papers that were double his size.

"My lord, I come to report about our current financial situation, the war bringed a fortunate boost to the taxes, giving us the excuse, but still our inefficient tax system still lacks the requirements to finance our country..."
"Get on with it!" James II shouted
"We're losing money, we will be bankrupt within the year if we dont do something, I suggest we should start..."
"Lets just make som money, that will solve all our problems! Why didnt I think of it before!" James II said
"But the infla..." the clerk began
"Shut up old man!"

A smith had suddenly arrived behind the old clerk, and the boy following him had mysteriously dissapeared.

"King, ze efficiency in zis country is nearly not enough! We demand ze production rates to be increased!"
"Well, I could do that as well."

The Scottish army, now boosted by the Smiths, were plowing through Ireland. Soon Connaught had fallen and Munster had been liberated from the Irish tyranny, and back into the scottish tyranny.

The campaigns were long and brutal, the scottish fighting at the impossibly odds at 2 v 1 in their favor, and many books and plays were made for the Glorious Scottish Liberation of Ireland from the Irish. Sadly, we dont have the budget to show this.

Instead, we'll show what happened in Scotland at the time:

"What?! Those french actually managed to get across the sea?! What about our navy?!" James II shouted
"Well, what do you expect? We only got three boats in the whole bloody kingdom." Field Marshal Bob said, now promoted to 1/3 of the Scottish High Command.
"We need to summon the army! The campaigns in Ireland needs to take a back seat for a while."
"We can only pray that they reach us in time... Everything depends on them now." Field Marshal Bob said.

Meanwhile in Ireland...

"What do you mean the boats are gone?"

Coming Next: Will the Scottish be conquered by French? Will Cochrane find the boats? Will Ireland ever be liberated from the Irish? Will I bother to make another part?

 

[Enewald]

ohh.. three boats in the whole kingdom! :rofl:
I bet they could beat the spanish armada in 3 seconds.

 

[swippy]

poor attemps at humour? youre being modest! i find it hilarious :rofl:

freeeedoooom!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgukYsAF5TI

 

[comagoosie]

"William handed a note to James, it was written with crayon."

AH... The good ole days

 

[merrick]

Instead, we'll show what happened in Scotland at the time:
<insert picture of Scotland being overrun by Bretons>

This made me smile - and I loved the Smiths. Best of luck liberating Ireland from the Irish!

 

[Aspie]

This has absolutely no gameplay in it, but hey dont feel like playing right now.

Part 3: The Highlanders of the British Isles Part 1

In Ireland:

"What do you mean the boats are gone?" Cochrane shouted
"M'lord, ya see theres this breton fleet blocking tha way, sire." a filthy, poor, undernourished average medieval peasant (with dung on his face for measure) said
"How large is it?"
"Its tha largest fleet us poor scots ever faced off against, its the reaper of scotsmen, its crew as soulless as a swede, its stench killing the fish in a miles radius. Its crew, cursed to serve the breton army as undying warriors until the plot allows the to die. Its the Flying Frenchman."
The nameless goons gasped in terror.
"How can we avoid such a beast?"
"We need to find..." Peas said "Davy Pierre's Piggy Bank!"

Meanwhile, in Scotland:

"WHATEVERYOURNAMEIS!" James II shouted "Why isnt the army driving back these damned french yet?"
"M'lord, the Bretons are blockading our fleet, they cant reach our army."
"Well, hire some mercenaries then."
"Mylord, our treasury!" the old clerk guy appeared again
"Who can rid me of this troublesome clerk!" James II shouted, a few drunk knights walked by and heard this. The clerk fled the country, and was never seen from again.

"He had a point, sire. If we hire mercenaries, we might be able to beat back the french, unless the mercenaries are also french of course, but we would have no money left, would be forced to disband most of our standing army, and you would not be able to afford that gold adorned picture of you."
"Hmm, I see. What shall we do then?"
"Wait, M'lord. We have to trust Cochrane."
"No...no we dont. You are the new Field Marshal? Just teleport to him!"
"Sire?"
"Get on with it, it should be instantaneus. Just think 'Home good but at the Wallace Korps better' three times and it happens."

Bob did, just to make the king shut up while he cocked up a plan, and to his amazement it worked. No wonder those bloody generals didn't like the wheel.

Back in Ireland:

With a blaze of light, Bob appeared while Cochrane, Peas, the Smiths and some nameless goons were having a conversation on how to continue.

"Aghhh, its Davy Pierre! Hes found us!" a nameless goon said
"Dont worry, its just Bob." Cochrane said
"Cochrane! What are you doing? The french are invading Scotland."
"I know."
"The cheese eaters are what?" a bunch of scottish highlanders said
"Wait..." one of them said "Aint we allied to the pansies?"
"Its not the french, its the bretons."
"Whats the difference?"
"The bretons are fewer."
A cry of cheer went through the highlanders ranks, the ones at the back did of course not know why they cheered, but you gotta keep with the mob on these things.

"Now," Peas said "For some plot expostition."
"Plot what? A conspiracy against the king to usurp him?" Bob asked
"No, not that kind."
"Oh." Bob said
"Well, anyway. I know a thing or two about the Flying Frenchman, or Pansy Express as its also called. It was in the year of 1337 that David Pierre, a half english and half french scholar and thought himself member of the roman forum, set sail west.
They say that he returned a houndred years later, in 1437, at the shores of brittany, with a crew shaped like half men, half snails.
A dreadful curse must have been befallen upon them, but in the start no-one could keep them abourt from regular french. Except when they went into battle that is.
Compared to most french, they realised they are to slow to run away, and thus stood and fought. This way, they got a reputation as the most brave french ever to exist, lasting a whole hour into a fight without once lifting the white flag.
Anyway, it also turned out they are technically immortal, something about being cursed by pagan gods for stealing their gold or something.
To break the curse, we need to destroy Davy Pierres Piggy Bank, where he keeps the last piece of gold, and cant get it out. Since he neither dont want to destroy his beloved piggy bank, he has no way of getting the last gold piece out of the piggy bank, and thus he and his men are doomed forever."
Peas were nearly out of breath after this.
"That was... quite more than I had expected..." Bob
"Who are you really Peas?" Cochrane said
"Peas? My name..."

Peas shedded his rags, and revealed a stylish clothing beneath, with a flintlock pistol and a sword.
He lept up on a rock nearby, and took up a stylish hat.
"Is Captain..."
He fired a gunshot in the air.
"Bill."
He did an extravagant move with his sword.
"Albatross."


Coming Next: Is Bill really a captain? Whats up with this mysterious David Pierre? Why do Bill know so much about him? For anyone among you that hasnt watched the Pirates of the Carribean movies, the next part might actually feature something new.


merrick: Thank you, I'm already well on my way, just need to wait for that damned thruce to expire and for me to get strong enough to rumble with the red dudes.
comagoosie: Hehe, simply that it wasnt invented (I think) wont stop a highlander from using it.
swippy: Thank you, and funny link.
Enewald: Its 4 now, they could beat the spanish armada with their hands tied to their backs, provided the armada consists solely of fishing fleets and deef men.
wiz9999: Of course, what would a vaguely british AAR be without monty python?
Capibara: Thank you
aHuman(oid): Thank you, I like the Smiths as well.
safferli: He was? Well, fits that I used that first then, even though it was just to put the Smiths in.

 

[Enewald]

Bad that I've seen them.
Flying Frenchman... LOOOOOOOOOOOOL :rofl:

 

[unmerged(76711)]

That last post was HILARIOUS!!!!

 

[comagoosie]

:rofl:

very funny. Who would of thought that transportation was possible.

 

[Aspie]

Enewald: Hehe, like the name as well.
ProffessorEGADD: Thanks.
comagoosie: Mhm, we lost so much knowledge after the renaissance like rank based teleportation.

Part 4: Highlanders of the British Isles Part 2, Curse of the Flying Frenchman

"Bill who?" Cochrane said
"You havent heard of me?" Bill said
"I have." Bob said "The pirate who caused the destruction of the genoese fleet."
"Ah, so you have heard of me." Bill said
"While being hired by the genoans..." Bob said
"The enemy offered more."
"During peacetime."
"Well, past is past mate. Now, we shou..."
"Why should we even listen to this? Hes obviously some kind of loon." Bob said
"No, let him speak. We dont have much else to do until our ships can get through anyway."
"Aye, thats the spirit mate. Now, Davy Pierre can only step on land once every year."
"Why?"
"A wizard did it. Now, the only way to kill him is to break the curse by stealing the gold coin, and then destroying his heart, savvy? He dont have the piggy bank on his ship, thats for sure. Neither the heart."
"That sounds overly complicated... But why dont he have them on his ship?"
"He got a bunch of greedy, french pirates on board. Now..."
"Sire!" a random messenger guy appeared out of thin air, delivered a note, and dissapeared in a puff of smoke.
Cochrane read the note and then got to his knees dramatically and shouting no very, very loudly.
"What is it, sir?" a random highlander asked
"The bretons have kidnapped my wife!" Cochrane said
"Thats the work of Davy Pierre thats for damn sure." Captain Bill said
"How can you be so sure?" Bob said
"I read the note, it said 'kidnapped very slowly by snail-men'. Also, you dont think normal french would have the guts to kidnap a lonely, possibly armed woman do you?" Bill said
"We gotta go rescue her!" Cochrane said
"No we cant, James." Bob said
"But, I love her!" Cochrane said
"Damn it man, your not the only one who lo... err, forget that last part. But we cant just go off on some adventure just because some pirate says so!" Bob said
"James? James Cochrane?" Bill said
"Yes." Cochrane replied
"Son of Willie Cochrane?" Bill said
"No." Cochrane said
"Damn it."
"Its my grandfather, or possibly my great-grandfather."
"Excelleeent." Bill said ominiously, but the scots didn't notice cause they were in a fight again. "Fight" being what other nations would call "Civil War", but it happened so often that no-one really bothered to tell the king he wasnt technically king anymore.
The reason this time was that the beer supply had ran out. Bob and Cochrane came to a quick decision.
"Okay, we'll come!" they said in unison
"What about the army?"
"They'll loot a local brewery or something, they are starting to sober up, and trust me you do not want to be here when that happens." Cochrane said
"Hmm, in that case we will need a crew..."
"Where can we find a crew in such short notice? For some reason, no mercenaries have ever thought of buying a ship."
"Ah, I got just the place mate, you will never find a greater hive of filth and villainy. Pirates, bandits, thieves, mercenaries, murderers and lawyers rule the town, and we can always find a crew and ship there." Bill said
"Where?" Bob said
"Dublin, mate." Bill said

Meanwhile, in the scottish court

"Sire!" a random messenger guy appeared in James II's court, soon to be last remaining bastion of scottish freedom in scotland. James II were busy getting the royal treasury out of the castle.
"What?!" James II said
"Uhm, a message from Cochrane, sire."
James II read it
"Gather the High Command at once!" James II said "And tell him to take a shower this time, he nearly killed the italian diplomat last time!"

A little later, Dublin.

Bob, James Cochrane and Bill Albatross sneaked into the city, the english had only superficial control of the city, and even though Scotland and England had good relations (to Scotlands great shame) they wouldnt want to be discovered.
"Mates, I know a guy that can get crew that would be willing to go against Davy Pierre. But whatever you do, dont say anything, and dont listen to what we talk about, savvy?" Bill said
"Yes." Bob said, while Cochrane wrote another message. A random messengar instantly arrived, took the note, and dissapeared.
They entered a shabby tavern, with the mandatory barfights, dirty furniture and beered down water.
"Okay, go and... guard me from people who might be listening or something." Bill said
"I think he aint entirely trustworthy, Bob" Cochrane said to Bob when Bill had left
"Oh, it never occured to me..." Bob said
Albatross sat down beside a man. He noticed Albatross and said:
"Oi, Bill! What're you doing in these parts of the world?"
"Fibbs, I'm looking for a ship, and crew."
"What for?"
"The Flying Frenchman..."
Fibbs but down his mug of water, or "beer", and shook his head.
"There aint enough loons in this whole town to man a ship for that..."
"You kidding? We're in Ireland." Bill said
"Well, for a little extra I can always find someone..." Fibbs said "But Bill... going after the Flying Frenchman is a fools errand... What makes you think you can do something, no-one else have managed?"
"Lets just say I got something that Davy Pierre wants..."
"What?"
"Lets just say I got the appropriate entourage for this..."
"Huh?"
"Lets just say I got a person, that Pierre needs..."
"What're you trying to tell me, Bill?"
"Lets just say I have a certain person with a certain grandfather/great-grandfather with a certain background that Pierre will be very interested in..."
"Youre losing me, Bill."
"James Cochrane's grandson or possibly great-grandson! Goddammit, cant you take a hint?"
"Why didn't you just say so?"
"Nevermind, now how quick can you get a crew and ship?"
"Faster than you can find an appropirate translation of 'fluffy' in german, Bill." Fibbs said, and left
"We'll see about that!" Bill said and got up his german dictionary

Meanwhile, aboard the Flying Frenchman...

Liza Duck, wife of James Cochrane, has been kidnapped.
"What are you doing? Get away!" she said and ran right into another snail-human. This one were taller, and had an even bigger hat. Therefore he had to be the captain.
"Welcume, to ce Flying Francais, or ce Flying Frenchman as you ignorant british calls it." Davy Pierre said
"What are you doing!"
"Cis is not usual, but we are kidnapping you. You are ce wife of James Cochrane, oui?"
Liza thought for a moment before saying:
"Yes?" Liza said
"Most superb, extra leaves for ce men tonight." a single cheer came from the men "And some extra whine? I mean wine." Pierre said
Most of the men cheered now.
"Now, lets finish of ce rest of cese scots." Pierre shouted
One of the men got up a white flag due to old habit, but threw it away when he saw Pierre looking at him.
A forced cheer came.
Pierre sighed.
"Wait!" Liza said "I demand the right to parley."
A cheer came from the french pirates, but he quickly stopped.
"And what do you have, that we can't take?"
"This." Liza said and blotted her breasts
"We can take that." Pierre said
"Not that! This!" Liza said and pointed, it was a medallion with the letters C and R.
"And exactly why, would I want that? We have treasures from all around ce world."
"Its what you were looking for!"
"Not wasnt, we were looking for a bargaining chip, as you english would call it."
Liza went to the end of the ship and said:
"Well, if you wont listen I'll jump!"
Pierre sighed, and said:
"What do you want?"
"Stop attacking these people."
Pierre thought for a moment, before saying:
"You wont jump."
"I will!"
"No, you wont."
"I will! Just watch!"
She jumped.
"Hmm, that was unexpected."
A low moan came from below.
"Well, she did'nt know that our rowboat were there."
Then Pierre started to think.
"Quickly! Get her!"
A couple of the snail-men jumped as well, and a shriek came from below.
"She got me! She got me! Help! Help!" Pierre heard one of his men shout
"Shes hitting us!"
Pierre looked down and see his men get beaten up.
"If you dont grab her immediately, I'll deal with you myself!" Pierre shouted
The two men, suddenly inspired, managed to overwhelm the lone woman, and got her up on deck. They were celebrated later.
"Now, Miss Duck. You better start believing in poor comedies. Your in one!" Pierre said

Coming Next: Will Bob, Bill and James manage to find the Flying Frenchman? What did James write to James II? Will Fibbs find a crew? Will I actually play the game? Will the next part actually have whats in the 'Coming Next'?

 

[merrick]

"Now, Miss Duck. You better start believing in poor comedies. Your in one!" Pierre said

I'm not sure what this has to do with EU3, but it's fun!

 

[Enewald]

"Its my grandfather, or possibly my great-grandfather."

someone has a bad memory, or someones great-grandfather has been sleeping with his sons wife. :rofl:
Lawl, Miss Duck.

 

[Aspie]

Yay 365 views already, and 18 replies (well, four of them being mine, but hey its still more than I expected).

merrick: Its about how I managed to beat a one ship fleet with only a 4-to-1 advantage, so its quasi-gameplayish.
Enewald: Or both.


Part 5: Highlanders of the British Isles part 3, Curse of the Flying Frenchman


And thus each of the scots went their separa... wait, thats a different parody. Excuse me, hmm hmm.

Dublin, Docks
"Here it is, Bill. Finest seafarers in all of Ireland. Ready to sail into hell and back again for a reasonable share, and possibly even to Sweden for a large pension and s."
A dozen men, two poorly disguised women, two jews, one austrian, and one norwegian brown rat were standing in a line.
The jews vanished mysteriously later, leaving only behind some glass shards formed like crystals. Sherlock Holmes investigated the 'Crystal Midday' incident for a while, before people remembered hes a just a fictional figure.
Bill went down the line inspecting them.
"And whats your name, mate?" he asked to a dwarfish man in green clothes
"Shamus."
"Well, welcome aboard Shamus."
He continued down the line, and 'inspected' a poorly disguised woman for weapons or something like that, and got hit.
"Guess I deserved that, your welcome aboard." Bill said, and continued
He stopped at the austria.
"And who might you be."
"Ich bin Arthur."
"Arthur?"
"Ja. I've always dreamt of being a pirate, ever since I was und kinder." the austrian said
"Well, I have a policy of not having any germans on my ship."
"Ich bin nicht a german! Ich bin eine Austrian!"
"Well, you speak with a german accents, are as angry as a german and I dont like you mustache." Bill said
"I'll show you all!" the austrian said, and left
Finally Bill stopped at the rat. It was quite large for a rat, and were obviously a pirate, due to the peg tail, hook snout and an eyepatch.
"And..." Bill said uncertainly
"Squeek." the rat said
"But aint rats carriers of diseases?"
"Squeek."
"Ah, so you bathe regularly. Never been one for water myself you know."
"Squeek."
"What do you mean 'you can tell'? Well, anyway your hired."

And so, Fibbs had managed to find a crew, and now Bob, James, Bill and Fibbs could start their adventure.

Meanwhile, back in Scotland:

With only 33 % of the Scottish High Command currently in Scotland, and with the active forces being merely the militias of the cities. Even though they were fighting french, the Scots were hard pressed.
"Situations grim, sir. It will go badly if we dont do anything about the situation soon. I dont have the manpower to do anything about it."
James II looked grimly out of a window.
"So, how can we push them back? Is there anyway?" James II said
"Well, I've always suggested we build a wall to keep them out." Willie said
"Hmm, a good idea, but how can we close of all of Scotland?" James II said
"Scotland? Why would we need to do that?" Willie said
"To keep the enemy out of course!" James II said
"I wouldn't exactly call them enemies, my lord." Willie said
"Not enemies? They are pillaging our lands!"
"Well, yes. But you know kids these days. We just need to spank them." Willie said
"Kids?"
"Yes, aint we talking about how to keep them damn kids of the lawn?" Willie said
"No! God dammit, I knew it would be stupid to appoint the groundskeeper a member of the Scottish High Command! I'm talking about the Bretons!" James II said
"Well, they aint much of a problem, but these young whippersnappers on the other hand..." Willie started

And it continued this way in the scottish court...
Meanwhile, back in Dublin

"So... this is the ship?" Bill said
"Aye Bill, finest vessel with the net houndred metres in Dublin." Fibbs said
"Its a little..." Bill said
"Cheap as well, cant seem to find the man that sold it though, he was in quite a hurry." Fibbs said
"I see." Bill said
"Squeek." the rat (now known as Ratty) said
"I agree." Bill said
"Are you sure this is a ship?" Bob said
"Well, it does share some similarities with a ship. Its on water, and its at least partly made of wood." Bill said
"And at least, we wont have any excess place, and the crew can easily man it." Cochrane said optimistically
Bill thought for a moment, and then got an idea.
"Lets just take that ship." he said, and he pointed to a ship fifty metres away, it wasnt big either, but at least it did'nt have as many holes.
"But what about my money? I spent my life savings on this!" Fibbs said
"You got life savings?" Bill said
"Yeah, I saved some of the money I mugged from a beggar last week." Fibbs said
"My heart cries for you, now lets just take the ship. The faster we kill that damn frenchman, the sooner I can get out of this whole mess." Bob said

And so the pirates take the ship, with Bill as captain, Fibbs as quartermaster and Ratty as first mate, will they even get out of port?

Meanwhile, aboard the Flying Frenchman:

For some reason, Liza Duck had got a cabin all for herself. It was good enough, she supposed. But the furniture and the paint clashed dreadfully. So she was kept busy, and didn't even plan to run away again.
Two snail-men entered.
"Ce Cap'n wish for you to attend dinner with him, and wear cis dress." one of them said and were about to give her a white dress.
"Tell the captain I'm not in a disposition to accomodate your req... ah screw it, just tell him no." Liza said
"He told us you might say that, and he also told us to say that if you did, you would be dining with the crew." one of them said
"Naked!" the other one said
"He did?" the first snail man said
"Yes! Blink blink, nudge nudge knowwhatimean." the second snail man said
"Oh... OH! Yes, he said you should be dining with us naked."
Liza had now grabbed a nearby conveniently placed scissor.
One of the french snail-mans instincts kicked in, and he raised the white dress. He fearfully put it down a moment later.
"You dont scare us!" the first snail-man said, trembling slowly
"What? I'll just make some changes to it." Liza said, she would rather die than dine with these slugs, naked or not. At least there were just one of the captain.

Dublin, aboard to recently renamed "Frenchie Slayer"

"Squeek!"
"I cant believe the rat become first mate!" a random pirate said
"Well, he do know how to shout orders. I dont understand a word, but still I do what I'm told!" another random pirate said
"Squeek!" Ratty bounced up to the two pirates
"Nothing meant by it, sir! Dont hurt me, sir!" the first random pirate said

Within the first hour aboard the ship, Ratty had already proved himself a cunning and quick warrior, managing to beat three grown men when fighting over bedding.

And thus, the Frenchie Slayer set sail, managing to get out of port with minimal civilian casualties and set sail for the Flying Frenchman.

Back at the Flying Frenchman:

Davy Pierre and Liza Duck had dinner, Davy Pierre had prepared what he thought as 'romantic' light and food. Liza ate greedily of a greased pig, while Pierre had a salad. That would be considered wussy, if he wasn't mostly french.
"Now, do you know where James Cochrane is currently?"
"Oh, I dont know. Think he said campaigning in Ireland and being back before christmas." Liza said
"Ireland?"
"Yeah, the King says he wants to liberate the Irish."
"From who? The english only 'controls' Meath apart from Dublin."
"Oh, the Irish of course. The scottish newspapers say that they have weapons of mass destruction, at least a dozen catapults. And that the Scots will be welcomed as heroes, due to the tyranny there." Liza said absently
"Of... course..." Davy Pierre said "Do you think he knows you've been...?"
"Kidnapped? Of course, scottish messengers are renowned for them having all been promoted Honorary Generals, so they can teleport anywhere they want."
"Exceeeelleeeent." Davy Pierre said, and a white cat jumped up at him.
He kicked it down, and said:
"Damn, where the hell are these cats coming from?"

Coming Next: Will our heroes find the dastardly Davy Pierre next time? Will Willie manage to keep the kids of the Kings Lawn? Do the Irish have weapons of mass destruction? Will I stop this farce of an AAR, and start playing the game again finally? Do the defeat of a single ship warrant more than the conquest of half of Ireland?