A Troubled Mind
(Joint IC with Greatslayer)
They had traveled a long way and brought fine gifts. Weapon, armor and what Varian himself looked forward to the most, Dwarven beer. They had traveled far, all the way from Ghullkazid and through Galadriel, where they no doubt had made similar appearances to the Elven courts. The majority of the court had spoken against the Dwarves, for the crimes of Ghullkazid could not be denied, even if a few merchants had been willing to forgive them in return for the coin they would earn, leaving the King much to consider.
And consider he did as Varian looked at the Dwarves and his court, and the many calling out against cooperation with the Dwarves before he spoke from his throne. “They did indeed march on the Golden City, but we are not the Golden Empire, we are not their successor state and the Golden City was never a domain of our Kingdom. We are the Kingdom of Ecclestius, as such we cannot forever more salt the wounds that was inflicted upon us in the Great war.
There can be no doubt that great crimes were committed in the name of Darkness twenty years ago, but I also hear reports that your King, Master Dwarf, has made many attempts to reproach for his mistakes, to make good the horror that has been committed. We are all sons of the Light One and follow his teachings and I know that there are many in your Master’s kingdom who no doubt wishes for the same redemption, Master Dwarf. We are Lords of the Light and as King of Ecclestius and successor of Ecclesiasties, I shall not abandon those faithful who find themselves misguided outside his teachings.
Master Dwarf, I do not know if your King follows the Light or his ancestors, but you now stand before me asking for trade and for our acceptance of what your King has become. I shall grant you both if my conditions be met, allowing you to trade and your trader’s safe passage if you agree.
And my conditions be that your King allows for me to send High Mage Villion as my representative. Together with him he shall have five knights and a dozen servants. He shall travel to Ghullkazid where he shall be provided for by your King and offered his protection. High Mage Villion will be there as my emissary on my behalf and I expect he shall be treated properly as due to his station thereafter. His mission is simple and clear, he is to provide spiritual refuge for the people within your King’s domain, see to their needs and provide as best he may for them. Furthermore then for your King to give him a place within your mountain home to build a church in the name of the Light, to ensure the Creator’s presence and his blessing upon your King’s reign, land and subjects.
If this be granted then our ports be open to any true believer of the Light.” Varian almost sat down before he remembered and spoke once more “Furthermore then I ask your King to allow for our person to send a scribe to his land, to record and describe it for our court. For far too long has shadows reigned over your King’s home and forest. It is my wish that this scribe may cast light upon the lives and domain of your King, tales which we are eager to hear of, of what has become of those who once served the Dark One.”
It was not the Dwarves that Varian had expected or sent for, but they it had proved interesting none the less, the entire day had proved something that Varian had not expected. His mother had come to Azeratii and once again made the split in court apparent, she even looked contented as he spoke, happy. Perhaps this was the first time in over a year where she seemed to smile without restraint as he spoke, leaving his eyes lingering on her as he had sat down again. There were still a large number against the Queen Dowager, but many had changed following the Queen’s plea and the King’s forgiveness. Though the same in court as upon her return now looked at her with pity, unhappy as to the unfolding of events that occurred within Galadriel.
The most surprising to Varian had been Eklow, there was a look of pity and remorse in his stare towards the Queen Dowager. She had stood near the throne next to the great Dukes, or well those left of the great dukes. Saxon was still indisposed, Wolfen looked out of place, being only eleven or there about, but now living in the King’s palace and royal court where he was educated. Many of the other dukedoms were still left unbestowed, leaving Varian with large and impressive titles to grant both unto his children, kin and faithful servants.
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As the session of court had been completed, the Dwarves to give their answer the following day, calm had settled over court for the few hours between midday and evening when court festivities would resume once again, with wine flowing and food aplenty.
Now was the time when court retreated, prepared, relaxed even if ministers still carrying out their duties with haste, and like the rest of the court, the royal family was spending their time in privacy.
Ana, Varian’s eldest daughter, sat with her dolls, painting while little Eylinn, also nicknamed the younger who was the second and youngest of Varian’s daughters, was not present, instead playing with the daughter of Duke Rivers. Queen Anne herself sat reading letters on the couch as Varian walked around with his son and heir, holding him up as Ares’ held on to Varian’s hand to learn how to walk, as he eagerly and happily spurted ahead. Slowly beginning to bring much annoyance for Varian’s back as he constantly had to keep bending forward. Without much ceremony, his mother entered through the door on just that occasion, smiling contentedly upon the scene of her son and grandson.
“My two favourite boys. Albeit one a bit taller than I had preferred.” She said with a sly chuckle, curtsying towards Anne. “Your grace…”
“Eylinn.” Anne said with a smile as she looked upon her mother-in-law, “I’m happy you could join us, it's been too long.” she uttered as she put her letters down and looked towards her daughter who smiled happily upon her grandmother before Anne called out her name “Ana.” making the young girl catch herself and curtsy.
Ares however made a high pitch noise as he began to pick up the pace on his little legs, Varian doing his best to keep up as they ran around the room until they stood before Eylinn as Ares looked up at his grandmother and made another happy laughter, while Varian looked up with a smile “Mother.” Eylinn, bewildered at the sight of her grandchildren, crouched down at the floor to embrace them, showering them with kisses to the left and right.
“And the sight of these will never tire my eyes.” Her grin went from ear to ear. “I must admit, it’s been a good few days to be your mother, Varian. The way you showed respect for those emissaries elated my heart, especially considering you had neither need or reason to.” She ruffled the children’s hair. “The life in this palace never grows old. I’ve almost forgotten silence, or foregone its need perhaps, since I moved in here with your father. The forest seemed so eery and dull.” She gave Varian a whimsical look. “Of course, insurmountable beauty are held in the green canopies, that couldn’t be replicated in this castle, or any castle for that matter. But man cannot compare with the Creator’s pencil, now could he?”
Ares kept making happy high pitched noises as he looked at his grandmother, his older sister happily embraced Eylinn and returned the kiss on her cheek as Varian finally stood straight once more breathing a relieved sigh, instantly being able to feel his back thank him while Anne spoke “But we shall try all the same, what's the good in a quitter.” She said before laughing, “But I do thank the Creator that I need not tend to gardens, I have plenty of headaches just organizing these feasts that your son so likes to throw.”
Varian just shook his head with a smile as he went over and sat down in a chair, leaving his mother with the children, after all is that not what a grandmother for. “You did seem very joyful today, mother.” He responded to her earlier comment as he took cup of that wonderful ale the Dwarves had brought, “I don't know, the Empire failed when they walled them off, seemed silly to try the same twice.” Eylinn smiled towards her grandchildren again, poking at their noses and tickling them as she pulled them into her arms.
“Yet a strange sense of unity persisted. For some.” She waved her head. “A rather failed sense of unity in all due respects.” She looked up at Anne with some excitement. “And I expect nothing but a feast worthy of an emperor for the next gala! After it, I shall have to depart for Galadriel once more, with a short detour.”
Both of the children laughed before Ana ran over to the table, picking up a drawing she had made and showed it to Eylinn “look, it's the Dwarves!” Ares however pulled at her dress as he wanted to be kept entertained and tickled.
“A detour?” Varian asked curiously as Anne picked up another letter as she began opening it.
“Fear not, we cannot disappoint the court, or your expectations. You wish for anything to drink?” Anne asked Eylinn as she picked up her own glass of watered wine. She nodded, and took a glass and sampled it with a pleased groan.
“I used to travel by ferry up and down the Rhill as a child towards the Golden City. Me, my father, your aunt Evhana and my warden Alvon shared some heartfelt moments on its less than gentle streams, and I forced my children to relive them.” Eylinn stretched out her arm, and held in her hand the very ends of her glistening white strands of hair. “And I aim to spoil myself in sweet remembrance of a time both simpler and rocking less with the scalps of courtiers but with the gentle waves of water smashing against the hull.” She took another greedy gulp of the wine before, unabashed, pouring herself another cup. “To think of it, how long has it been since you last visited the Green Chasm, Varian? Not in this decade I reckon?”
“Ugh.” Varian uttered as he thought, noticing his mother’s thirst “Before the Westmarch rebellion I think, twelve, thirteen years I reckon, quite a long time come to think of it.” He said as he took another slurp of ale, “Back when the trees were still young and blooming and your people had a sense of true unity. How is the Chasm coming along? Is Anwën blooming in marriage like the nature around her?”
Anne looked up at Eylinn, “Did you enjoy the travels so much? I always found it dreadful to travel on the Rill, but I have never been much for ships.” Eylinn shrugged at Anne’s comment.
“Of course not. They’re clunky, uncomfortable and crowded. And for a Deep Elf bereft of washing at least twice a day, life may as well seem forfeit. I can assure you, the river water of the Rhill is not what I’d consider the most clean out there.” Smelling the wine, she caressed the head of passing Ana, while ushering her along to leave the adults to talk in peace. “She is on her way to Hroniden as we speak, passing by Thaanos to complete some diplomatic ventures on the past. I believe the prince will not let her leave alone, if that is what you inquire, my son.” She tilted her head. “You should come to visit, and get your own appreciation for its growth. Besides, your children could use a taste of an Elven forest to strengthen the mettle of their pure souls.”
“Ah yes, more for Ares to explore, I already hear my back scream in agony.” Varian said with a smile on his lips, “But it's good, I hope she is soon with child, Galadriel could use another prince. Just be sure to write to me when it happens and I will send her my physicians.” deciding to finish his ale before continuing. “I will return to the Chasm one day, no doubt your court would be thrilled to see me soon.” He said, well knowing their feelings.
Anne just laughed, “Yes, Varian, I'm sure they can't wait.” While Eylinn swirled the contents of her glass, decisively avoiding their gazes.
“I did say they wouldn’t accept any concessions in regards to what happened after the wedding.” Eylinn emptied the glass, while hesitantly deciding to pour herself another. Making Varian look at her. She seemed a tad overwhelmed over the wine, despite its weak consistency. She took a seat, adjusting her dress before looking over at them both. “You know me better than to adorn myself in a demeanour of pride, and I do know you tried for a middle ground, which is why this is an… awkward thing to speak of for me. Appearance has never been my strong suit.” She sighed. “But fact remains, their Lady was outcast by a Human, scorned by Humans, and arrested by Humans. They won’t settle with seeing her called a delinquent with…” She tapped her chin, with a slight chuckle to add. “‘Her offences many and great’?” She sighed, sadly, which saddened Varian. “The Chasm has grown strong from taking in the many refugees after the wars, but therein also lie a brittle peace to be upheld among the varied folk living next to the Chasm’s river. Our Human subjects do not deserve to be looked upon with suspicion from this to follow.”
Varian sighed, slightly annoyed “Well mother, it is what I can offer for now, I am sorry if that is not enough. Now if only they could also see that this had nothing to do with race. I sometimes wonder if the Elves are the quicker ones to point out such things.” Varian responded disappointed.
“If you wished then I could come.” Anne spoke up, “Or shall they take offense to another delinquent with great many offenses?” She asked in high spirit to try and brighten the mood. “I could bring the children,” looking over to Varian, “If you allow.” Before looking at Eylinn “And if you will have me.” Eylinn smiled.
“Of course, you are always welcome. Who am I to refuse my own daughter-in-law into my home?” Eylinn leaned back into the couch, looking at Varian with a puzzled gaze. “Are you denying tension towards Elf kind in Ecclestius after your banishment? Is it not true that my queen’s sister was considered under grave danger? I’ve at least not seen Humans come under the knife or boot of Elves. That does not mean we live in a time without prejudice and suspicion. Can you not see with history in mind why a Man applying his power over a foreign Elf from her own home not at least look a little… Well, with some lack of tact?” She shook her head. “I am merely informing. I am not here to start another argument.”
“Should the Chasm not be your home in this sense?” Varian asked, “And I would hardly call it grave danger, I would like to think it took more than a stone against a window for it to be considered grave.” Taking some more ale “And mother, apart from Linwë most tension has been some curse words, while I do not deny there is lingering tensions, then you being an Elf had nothing to do with my decisions, you know that.”
“Then perhaps a visit may be in order.” Anne added she said while sipping some more wine before looking over at Eylinn “Would you like some cake?” Eylinn wrinkled her nose and furrowed her brow.
“It doesn’t matter what I know, or what you know. It’s what it appears to be.” She continued, ignoring Anne’s attempts to turn the conversation over towards delicious pastries. “I’ve been called most things by now, and quite hardened I’ve become. I’m no fool to not sense the gazes upon me in court, and that does not only have to be for their view of this uppety stranger of another realm, sinking her claws into the precious king’s throne.” She frowned. “I fought wars for them to see past a few pointy ears and a raised bossom. I don’t care whatever I’m called anymore, or what people think of me, or what behaviour I am supposed to clad myself with.” She took another hearty sip of drink. “But I have a people to represent, and they see what they see. They are not blessed with my eyes, my ears, or my voice. They’re perfectly able to use their own, for all the ups and downs of such an arrangement, and with that are given their own interpretation. Strain have deescalated for now, but that is just about it. Damn near it was for both the Wheat Glade and the Upper Chasm to embargo Ecclestius, but for my march into Saxon to talk to mine own son.” She placed down her glass, gleaming with a last drop of wine upon its rim that had failed to pass through her lips.
“I see.” Varian said, looking at the cup, not quite remembering his mother being that fond of wine, moreso remembering how his father hated the drink so fiercely, he would never have allowed such a consumption from anyone in the family. “So what do you propose?” Varian asked her as Eylinn shrugged.
“Do I look like the most diplomatically inclined? I suppose an apology would be impossible?”
“Officially, yes. At least at current time.” he responded. Eylinn stood from the couch, forcing herself to take another glass. She hovered over the wine pitcher, as her hand trembled. In a decisive move, she instead moved for the jug of cooled water standing by the side of the spirits. This was the first time he had ever seen her weak, her hand shaking, taking drink after drink, uncertain. Not the mother that had read to him at night, taught him how to use a sword. For the first time he felt true pity for her, and it made his stomach start to turn.
“I wouldn’t care for it anyhow. I’d be damned the day my own son would have to apologize to me. Only a mother can sin, never her children.” She smiled towards Varian with a heartfelt gleam in her eyes. Which he returned before looking at Anne, who got the hint, before going over to pick up Ares and leaving as Varian stood up and walked over to his mother.
“Are you alright, mother?” he asked concerned. Eylinn swallowed hard, as she looked over at her shaking hands.
“Did you ever… Kill a man, Varian?” She turned her hand and clenched her fist. “In all those horrible struggles, did you ever claim the life of another?”
“Yes, I did go to war, laid siege to the Three Rivers, I took lives, ordered more since.” He said, with neither sorrow or happiness. She clinched, yet took to an eerie laughter as she lowered her hands towards her waist, placing them in a most ladylike manner.
“I damn well miss it. Every thrust into an already helpless body on the ground. Rending their flesh as the Creator’s grace leak from the corpses. I miss the gourging on their blood, as I sank my teeth into their skin, licking it through the gaping wounds upon their neck. I miss the pain that was sent upon my bones, and the bruises upon my belly after taking a hammer to the stomach. I miss my eyebrows clawed by their blades and the deep cuts of their axes. And most of all, I miss setting them ablaze from the very tips of my fingers, roasting them upon the field as they screamed in agony. Screamed for their families. Parents, wives, siblings and friends. I miss standing between them and mercy’s grace, to block their every path to safety.” A tear fell from her eye, despite her stubborn smile.
Varian just looked at her, his mouth slightly open in shock unsure how to respond. Had the palace come crashing down around his ears he would barely have noticed it. “Do you wish to stay here? Anwën will leave anyway and I know Ana and Ares will miss you if you go, and I would like it as well, mother.” As Eylinn nodded, Varian’s mind could only try and process what his mother had just said, the images going through his head.
But now as she spoke, Varian’s hope that his mother’s nod had been in agreement to stay turned to ash. “I must. I’ve hated myself my whole life, Varian. And I keep getting reasons to hate myself even more. I do not want to be that person anymore, and thus I cannot stay in Azeratii for much longer. This place… At the best of times it evokes the most pleasant dreams and thoughts… Yet when at its worst...” She giggled. “I had both my first, and last, love in this castle you know. Before your father. A handsome, rugged Nord.” She looked at the table, staring at the goblets of wine, and the empty letters upon Anne’s table. “A fleeting love. Not the one that stay with you, like the one to your father. We had our problems. Had some fights. I’m sure you remember them… Far, far too well than I would have liked.” She took a deep breath. “But I never stopped loving him for a second. Even sometimes when I wished I could, I wanted to change for him, and for you as well.” She wiped her nose and turned her face away. “For all of you. But that seems not able to happen.” She raised a hand. “So no, I don’t want your apology Varian. Neither would I ask it of you. By the Creator, I can’t even forgive myself for the things I’ve done for the Light, or for anyone else’s sake. Or my own sake. All I know is how little my life is worth without my children in it, and it seems I can’t keep any of them safe whatever I try or do.”
Varian placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, “You fought for your life, my life, Anwën’s life, Narien’s life.” He said taking a moment, trying to just bring some comfort to his mother, not knowing what else to do. “You did what you had to do to win the war and save us, I do not blame or condemn you for what you have done, father fought as well, killed and even served the Dark One, you brought him back to me.” he said, trying to at least keep his posture, even as it was getting harder. “We are all alive and well, you have kept us safe when we needed it the most.” Varian offered her a smile, the most sincere he had had in a long time “How was he, this handsome, rugged Nord, if such a thing exists.” He said trying to lighten her mood. She chuckled in response.
“Too fucking flaccid.” She spouted. “But sweet, and caring.” She sighed. “He simply proposed, and I didn’t know how to say no. I had expected my father to arrange my marriage, not brought up with the idea of choosing for myself. I was barely sixteen, you know.”
Varian just laughed at the first response, “So what happened? You said yes, no?”
“I died.” She said, solemnly.
Varian just frowned and looked at his mother. “Do you miss him?” She looked at Varian, her glassy eyes with a tint of red from the tears that had not fallen.
“How could I? With him, I would not had had you. Not Anwën, not Narien, not Lindarel. I would had had noone, noone but grumpy, jealous vassals up my heels to keep me company.” She chuckled. “With the odd cautionary tale from my sister, and her devout and total adoration. But I doubt I’d been strong with Freyr. Not that I feel particularly strong now, but he wasn’t a challenge.”
Varian just had light chuckle and a smile, his mother and a Nord, perhaps that was where his father’s hatred of them stemmed. “You are still strong, you can still forgive, something I have yet to learn.” He said as he placed his arm around her, rubbing her shoulder. She leaned her head towards his arm.
“I’m just grateful. That the Creator would bless me, despite the horrible things I’ve done. That he’d let me live for a few years more to see you all raise from the ground and up. Sprouting like little buds of pine-trees in northern soil, refusing to stop growing.” She sighed. “Couldn’t you had stayed Ares size? You were so cute at that age.”
“Probably best that I didn't, it wouldn't make for a very imposing king now would it.” he said as he kept his smile. “For all the things mother, nothing you have done is more than you needed, you fought against the Darkness and you saved so many lives, do not punish yourself for that.” A short sob emitted from her mouth, and she clenched her throat to silence it.
“I care not for the pain.” She said in a hoarse voice. “I’d do it again, and again, and again to be where we are today.”
“But it is clearly eating at you when it should not.” He responded concerned.
“That’s my price. Taking lives, should not be cheap. Neither should the rewards.” She took the glass with a shaking hand, and gobbled up some more water. “Sit with me.” She said, as she went over to the couch. He did as she asked and went over next to her. Rather unabashed she pulled an envelope from inside her dress, straight out of her bossom. “I miss wearing bandoliers.” She handed the letter over to Varian. “That is a letter from your sister.” He nodded as he took it, opening it before he read it. The letter was sealed, adorned with letters of gold. Beside the first paragraph, the text was written in what must have been blood.
I cannot begin to thank you for the kind gifts bestowed upon me by oh brother mine. As you undoubtedly pull this letter from the headless corpse of my mother, I shall have you know my vengeance will not be swift. It would be horrendous, gruesome, and degrading. Before the end, you will gaze upon me as the last haunting ghast to have sent you upon the pain of afterlife. An afterlife without rest no doubt.
If by any miracle you’ve stayed your hand, I wish to offer you my condolences. Those being that you will never be graced with the stupendous pleasure of my presence ever again in your life. For what worth is this beauty in your eyes? This figure of perfection, a diamond, a ruby, a gem of insurmountable value, you valued only ten thousand coins? This gift turned over so graciously before tossed to the side for your whims.
Mother may grovel by your feet, but I shall not. I intend not. I did my duty, so my responsibilities to you are done. I shan’t remain your tool for ambition any longer.
Then again, I am now on the dragon’s last flight towards the scorching lands of the desert plains. I suppose, should he find it in him to seek me out again, I might allow him an audience to my noble court. For I am Anwën Krestarii of house Mindrilla, the bride of the future king of Elves, and a princess of Ecclestius. Her father’s daughter, merciful and benign. With beauty radiating from her very stem, from her every lock and feature.
I’ll await your shadow by the horizon. And it will not be stained by the blood of my sister, or my mother. I believe you are more than that…
…brother.
He looked at it and skimmed it over before smiling, putting it away back in the envelope. “Thank you mother.” Their mother at least did not need to know the content. “Thank her from me and tell her that I look forward to seeing her again, and her husband.”
“I will.” Eylinn said, as she moved towards the door. “I see you at the feast. You know where to find me, should you wish to speak more.” She smiled.
As she left Varian stood up, walking over to the fireplace as he pulled out the letter once more. He saw the ink and read the letters, but did not read the words and could not comprehend the sentences. His mind still remained on his mother’s word, his stomach turning once more as he felt remorse that he had not returned her embrace but two weeks ago in Auril.
