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*cracks knuckles*
Needs more violence. I suggest smashing a chess piece up Death's nose
Needs more violence. I suggest smashing a chess piece up Death's nose
Snake IV said:
Yep, the unofficial Norwegian motto is "We kill seals for fun"...
And I guess all Norwegian-speaking members of the guards knows this song...
Melodi: Vi vandrer med freidig mot
Vi synger med liv og sjel
Nå skal vi ut og drepe sel
Vi slår den kontant i hodet
vi flår den og drikker blodet
Det er det beste nordmenn vet
nest etter sprit og kjærlighet
Det nesten beste nordmenn vet
men best er sprit og kjærlighet
Jeg skrider på isen frem
og føler meg så sterk og slem
for ytterst der utpå flaket
med fire små barn og make
der ligger den med dåreblikk
og ser opp på min hakapikk.
Når piggen i skallen står
så friskt med loffene den slår
og så etter ti minutter
så sukker den tungt og slutter
jeg ser meg sakte rundt og ser
om jeg kan myrde noen fler
Så setter vi kursen hjem
og stevner stolt og sikkert frem
med flagget høyst opp i masten
og tre tusen lik i lasten
vi lider ingen sjelekval
nå skal vi hjem og fange hval
Hør sangen blir mer sakral
når vi ror ut og myrder hval
vi fisker den med harpuner
og risser vårt navn med runer
i hvalens feite spekk og skinn
mens hvalen sovner stille inn
Vi risser dypt i spekk og skinn
mens hvalen stille sovner inn.
Vi spiser om vi er nødt,
men ingen liker hvalens kjøtt
med transmak- det lukter ille
det går dermed kun til spille
Vi fisker hval må du forstå
for å få tiden til å gå
Vi gjør det kun som du forstår
som tidsfordriv mens tiden går.
To celebrate the 1000th view of this tale I will respond to reader's comments.
Lifeless Yes I would recommend taking Hungary.
This is in response to your comment in Tartan Spartan's "Fox of the CAARpathians - Survival of the Trickiest?" AAR.
Wait a minute... Perhaps I should respond to comments made in thisAAR. It's so crazy it just might work!
Tskb18 It is true, very few things are worth unleashing ABBA on the world for. There will be international reprecusion to this you can be sure.
HateThemCommies New reader! Who actually posts replys, woot! If this keeps up I make yet break the record for genuine (non-spam) rofls in one thread. It's a dream....
lifeless This damn endless 15th of September, I don't think it will ever end. Ever.
Snake IV Well the thing about the norse seal killing was... Look over there! *runs*
Daan Rest assured gratutious violence will abound. Probably.
Frodon Well I couldn't have Norwegians stereotyping themselves, that would get far too confusing. So I had to choose the Canadians.
Kenneththegreat You're bad at chess? You only tell me this now?!!! Well that's the mission buggered then.
Right update this evening, assuming I can think of a funny idea to get past Death and onto the jokes I've got for later on. I appear to have written myself into a corner, stranded far from the nearest funny idea.....
Lifeless Yes I would recommend taking Hungary.
This is in response to your comment in Tartan Spartan's "Fox of the CAARpathians - Survival of the Trickiest?" AAR.
Wait a minute... Perhaps I should respond to comments made in thisAAR. It's so crazy it just might work!
Tskb18 It is true, very few things are worth unleashing ABBA on the world for. There will be international reprecusion to this you can be sure.
HateThemCommies New reader! Who actually posts replys, woot! If this keeps up I make yet break the record for genuine (non-spam) rofls in one thread. It's a dream....
lifeless This damn endless 15th of September, I don't think it will ever end. Ever.
Snake IV Well the thing about the norse seal killing was... Look over there! *runs*
Daan Rest assured gratutious violence will abound. Probably.
Frodon Well I couldn't have Norwegians stereotyping themselves, that would get far too confusing. So I had to choose the Canadians.
Kenneththegreat You're bad at chess? You only tell me this now?!!! Well that's the mission buggered then.
Right update this evening, assuming I can think of a funny idea to get past Death and onto the jokes I've got for later on. I appear to have written myself into a corner, stranded far from the nearest funny idea.....
Take a guess. A quick clue: It's not the 16th of September 1939.
Second platoon are watching on as Kaptein Kenneththegreat plays chess against Death. Badly.
"You know I don't think he's going to win." Løytnant Stroph confessed.
"Why do you say that?" Lifeless asked.
"Well whenever he makes a move Death grins."
"Yes, but with a face like that how can Death not grin?"
"Fair point. But I just saw the Kaptein trying to move his pawn three squares." Stroph explained.
"Ahhh. We're buggered aren't we?"
"Not neccesarily, I have a cunning plan." Stroph said.
-----
"I belive that it will soon be checkmate Kaptein." Death said taking Kenneththegreats last pawn.
"Now." Stroph whispered to the squad.
"Ahhhhhhhhh! I am having a heart attack, I fear I am dying." Korporal Laminustacitus screamed in Death's ear before collapsing.
Naturally Death got up to investigate this call to duty, as he bent over the fallen Korporal he noticed Laminustacitus wasn't actually ill.
"I don't think he's actually dying..." He began. At that point Sersjant Daan smashed him over the back of the head with his chair.
"Good work, Sersjant." Løytnant Stroph said. "The plan worked perfectly!"
"It's a cunning plan Løytnant, but how does it help? If Death's unconcious how can we beat him at chess?" Kenneththegreat asked.
"Like this."
And Stroph walked over to the chessboard and pushed over Death's king. As the peice hit the board the room shook and yea the final seal fell and the vast match store room was revealed.
"Well that was far easier than I expected." The Kaptein confessed.
------
"That was a very boring massed loading and transport exercise." Stroph said.
"Yes it was, so lets never speak of it again." Kenneththegreat replied.
"Sir, Aren't you worried that now you've cheated Death he will try and arrange a bizzare accident to kill you?" Lifeless asked Stroph.
"I don't think that's very likely, Fenrik." Kenneththegreat interjected.
"Why's that, sir?"
"Haven't you heard? Only the good die young." Stroph said with a grin.
Menig Frodon ran into the squadroom.
"I have an urgent message from the High Command, we are to report to the King for a vital mission!"
What is this second mission? Can it be more important than the previous mission? Will it actually advance the plot in any way? All these questions and less might be answered next time!
Second platoon are watching on as Kaptein Kenneththegreat plays chess against Death. Badly.
"You know I don't think he's going to win." Løytnant Stroph confessed.
"Why do you say that?" Lifeless asked.
"Well whenever he makes a move Death grins."
"Yes, but with a face like that how can Death not grin?"
"Fair point. But I just saw the Kaptein trying to move his pawn three squares." Stroph explained.
"Ahhh. We're buggered aren't we?"
"Not neccesarily, I have a cunning plan." Stroph said.
-----
"I belive that it will soon be checkmate Kaptein." Death said taking Kenneththegreats last pawn.
"Now." Stroph whispered to the squad.
"Ahhhhhhhhh! I am having a heart attack, I fear I am dying." Korporal Laminustacitus screamed in Death's ear before collapsing.
Naturally Death got up to investigate this call to duty, as he bent over the fallen Korporal he noticed Laminustacitus wasn't actually ill.
"I don't think he's actually dying..." He began. At that point Sersjant Daan smashed him over the back of the head with his chair.
"Good work, Sersjant." Løytnant Stroph said. "The plan worked perfectly!"
"It's a cunning plan Løytnant, but how does it help? If Death's unconcious how can we beat him at chess?" Kenneththegreat asked.
"Like this."
And Stroph walked over to the chessboard and pushed over Death's king. As the peice hit the board the room shook and yea the final seal fell and the vast match store room was revealed.
"Well that was far easier than I expected." The Kaptein confessed.
------
"That was a very boring massed loading and transport exercise." Stroph said.
"Yes it was, so lets never speak of it again." Kenneththegreat replied.
"Sir, Aren't you worried that now you've cheated Death he will try and arrange a bizzare accident to kill you?" Lifeless asked Stroph.
"I don't think that's very likely, Fenrik." Kenneththegreat interjected.
"Why's that, sir?"
"Haven't you heard? Only the good die young." Stroph said with a grin.
Menig Frodon ran into the squadroom.
"I have an urgent message from the High Command, we are to report to the King for a vital mission!"
What is this second mission? Can it be more important than the previous mission? Will it actually advance the plot in any way? All these questions and less might be answered next time!
- 1
The 15th of September 1939.
Just after the HMKG deployed into Sweden King Haakon VII had a great idea which he is explaining to Foreign Minister Koht.
"Look it's a genius idea! I've never had a better scheme to overcome the match shortage." The King was explaining
"Aren't you taking this a bit too seriously your highness. I mean no-one else seems to bothered about matches." Koht said.
"Not bothered! Just look at this, our man in Moscow sent it back in the last diplomatic bag!." The King passed Koht a Soviet propaganda poster.
"I..." Koht said in confusion.
"'... Think you're right this is a key issue and it is right Norway treats this as top priority?' I'm glad you agree." The King interupted.
"But..." Koht started.
"'.. What about the problem of getting there?' Don't worry, I've had Ø look at it." The King continued.
"Who's Ø?"
"My chief scientist!" The King proudly said.
"Is he like Q?"
"Don't be silly, Ø is a vowel not a consonant."
"Oh, so he's solved the transport problem?"
"Easily."
"That just leaves the problem of neutrality violation, interfering in the current war in Europe and the risk of someone retaliating by invading the country!" Nygaardsvold screamed as he entered the room.
"Who let him in?" The King sighed.
"This is madness, your highness! It's even more insane than this Swedish adventure! It will lead to a major diplomatic event!"
"It wont! But in case your worried I'll mark incident in my diary."
What is this new more cunning plan? Is concern about matches spreading across Europe? Will anyone get the foreshadowing reference in the last sentence? Will the date ever change?!?! All these questions may be answered, but past performance says they probably wont, next time!
Just after the HMKG deployed into Sweden King Haakon VII had a great idea which he is explaining to Foreign Minister Koht.
"Look it's a genius idea! I've never had a better scheme to overcome the match shortage." The King was explaining
"Aren't you taking this a bit too seriously your highness. I mean no-one else seems to bothered about matches." Koht said.
"Not bothered! Just look at this, our man in Moscow sent it back in the last diplomatic bag!." The King passed Koht a Soviet propaganda poster.
Proof the King was not alone in his matchstick based fears.
"I..." Koht said in confusion.
"'... Think you're right this is a key issue and it is right Norway treats this as top priority?' I'm glad you agree." The King interupted.
"But..." Koht started.
"'.. What about the problem of getting there?' Don't worry, I've had Ø look at it." The King continued.
"Who's Ø?"
"My chief scientist!" The King proudly said.
"Is he like Q?"
"Don't be silly, Ø is a vowel not a consonant."
"Oh, so he's solved the transport problem?"
"Easily."
"That just leaves the problem of neutrality violation, interfering in the current war in Europe and the risk of someone retaliating by invading the country!" Nygaardsvold screamed as he entered the room.
"Who let him in?" The King sighed.
"This is madness, your highness! It's even more insane than this Swedish adventure! It will lead to a major diplomatic event!"
"It wont! But in case your worried I'll mark incident in my diary."
What is this new more cunning plan? Is concern about matches spreading across Europe? Will anyone get the foreshadowing reference in the last sentence? Will the date ever change?!?! All these questions may be answered, but past performance says they probably wont, next time!
- 1
20th September 1939
Having overcome the shock that the date has changed, Kp1 platoon is gathered together with King Haakon VII, Minister for Shipping and Supplies Lie, General Ljunberg, Admiral Diesen and Ø. They are discussing the new cunning plan.
"A good job in Sweden gentlemen, those matches will see us safely through the winter. But we've got to think further ahead, we need to replenish our lighter stocks." General Ljunberg began.
"But we can't get any Ferrocerium and no-one will sell us any lighters. The market is very tightly controlled, only long term deals are being kept there's none on the open market." Lie broke in.
"Precisely, so if we can't buy any lighters, neither can the Germans." The King said.
"And?" Lie asked.
"And our intelligence says their stocks are as low as ours. They used far more than they expected in Poland apparently. In any case they've told their surface raiders to try and capture a lighter transport ship as quickly as possible."
"What does all this have to do with us?" The confused Lie asked.
"I'll let Admiral Diesen explain." The King said.
"Last week, while you were in Sweden, the German raider KMS Deutschland captured a US freighter, the SS City of Flint." Diesen began. "They said her cargo was contraband, claimed her as a prize of war and sent over a prize crew to take her back home. Because of the British patrols she was ordered to head for a Norweign port and is due to enter our territorial waters early tomorrow."
"I still don't see the connection to us." Lie said.
The King shook his head in exasperation at the lack of imagination Lie was showing. Then he explained.
"The City of Flint could be the answer to our problem, she was loaded down with US BIC lighters!
The captured and badly camouflaged SS City of Flint
"You're planning to hijack the ship, that's your cunning plan to get the lighters!" Lie yelled as the penny dropped.
The King just grinned in confirmation.
Having overcome the shock that the date has changed, Kp1 platoon is gathered together with King Haakon VII, Minister for Shipping and Supplies Lie, General Ljunberg, Admiral Diesen and Ø. They are discussing the new cunning plan.
"A good job in Sweden gentlemen, those matches will see us safely through the winter. But we've got to think further ahead, we need to replenish our lighter stocks." General Ljunberg began.
"But we can't get any Ferrocerium and no-one will sell us any lighters. The market is very tightly controlled, only long term deals are being kept there's none on the open market." Lie broke in.
"Precisely, so if we can't buy any lighters, neither can the Germans." The King said.
"And?" Lie asked.
"And our intelligence says their stocks are as low as ours. They used far more than they expected in Poland apparently. In any case they've told their surface raiders to try and capture a lighter transport ship as quickly as possible."
"What does all this have to do with us?" The confused Lie asked.
"I'll let Admiral Diesen explain." The King said.
"Last week, while you were in Sweden, the German raider KMS Deutschland captured a US freighter, the SS City of Flint." Diesen began. "They said her cargo was contraband, claimed her as a prize of war and sent over a prize crew to take her back home. Because of the British patrols she was ordered to head for a Norweign port and is due to enter our territorial waters early tomorrow."
"I still don't see the connection to us." Lie said.
The King shook his head in exasperation at the lack of imagination Lie was showing. Then he explained.
"The City of Flint could be the answer to our problem, she was loaded down with US BIC lighters!
The captured and badly camouflaged SS City of Flint
"You're planning to hijack the ship, that's your cunning plan to get the lighters!" Lie yelled as the penny dropped.
The King just grinned in confirmation.
Last edited:
- 1
Something strange is afoot... what happened to the 16th? Was it cancelled?
Keep writing, i'll keep reading.
Keep writing, i'll keep reading.
The 15th of September 1939.
King Haakon VII, Minister for Shipping and Supplies Lie, General Ljunberg, Admiral Diesen and Ø have gathered at Narvik harbour to send Kp1 platoon off on their next mission. Minister Lie has a question.
"Why is it the 15th? I could have sworn it was the 20th back in Oslo?"
"Regulations." General Ljunberg replied enigmatically.
"What?" Lie asked.
"Army Regulation No.1, the first rule laid down by Harald I."
"Harald I, the first King of Norway!?" Lie gasped.
"Yes, even he! The regulation says 'All special forces mission must be conducted on the 15th of September'. It's a bit restrictive, but what can you do?"
"Change it?"
"What?!?! Change an ancient tradition? Alter the first law adhered to by our Viking ancestors?! Are you mad? Or worse, are you Swedish?" Haakon VII exploded.
"But, aren't one day long special forces mission that you can only carry out once a year very restrictive?" Lie protested.
"You'd think so, but as we're not sure when the Viking year started we just change the date so we always start on the 15th." Haakon explained.
"Isn't that terribly confusing?"
"Not if you really think about it." The King said. Leaving the confuse Lie trying to work it all out he continued. "Right Ø, are the the modifications to the Zepplein complete?"
"Of course your highness, it is now totally navalised." Ø said proudly.
"How do you navalise a horse drawn zeppelin, give the horses diving gear?" Admiral Diesen asked.
"Don't be silly, how would you steer an underwater horse? No our plan is far more cunning." Ø said as he pointed out to the harbour.
Will the whale drawn zeppelin be a success? Will the Germans be annoyed at Norway trying to steal their stolen lighters? How do you steer a whale? All these questions have the potential to be answered next time!
King Haakon VII, Minister for Shipping and Supplies Lie, General Ljunberg, Admiral Diesen and Ø have gathered at Narvik harbour to send Kp1 platoon off on their next mission. Minister Lie has a question.
"Why is it the 15th? I could have sworn it was the 20th back in Oslo?"
"Regulations." General Ljunberg replied enigmatically.
"What?" Lie asked.
"Army Regulation No.1, the first rule laid down by Harald I."
"Harald I, the first King of Norway!?" Lie gasped.
"Yes, even he! The regulation says 'All special forces mission must be conducted on the 15th of September'. It's a bit restrictive, but what can you do?"
"Change it?"
"What?!?! Change an ancient tradition? Alter the first law adhered to by our Viking ancestors?! Are you mad? Or worse, are you Swedish?" Haakon VII exploded.
"But, aren't one day long special forces mission that you can only carry out once a year very restrictive?" Lie protested.
"You'd think so, but as we're not sure when the Viking year started we just change the date so we always start on the 15th." Haakon explained.
"Isn't that terribly confusing?"
"Not if you really think about it." The King said. Leaving the confuse Lie trying to work it all out he continued. "Right Ø, are the the modifications to the Zepplein complete?"
"Of course your highness, it is now totally navalised." Ø said proudly.
"How do you navalise a horse drawn zeppelin, give the horses diving gear?" Admiral Diesen asked.
"Don't be silly, how would you steer an underwater horse? No our plan is far more cunning." Ø said as he pointed out to the harbour.
The mighty Norwegian whale drawn zeppelin, cunningly camouflaged with a German caption.
Will the whale drawn zeppelin be a success? Will the Germans be annoyed at Norway trying to steal their stolen lighters? How do you steer a whale? All these questions have the potential to be answered next time!
- 1