Re: Eutopian Sports Network: END GAME
(Theme music)
SCOTT STUART: Welcome back to ESN's END GAME This is Scott Stuart and we're talking with ELS analyst and play by play commentator Keith Johnson. Keith, everyone is talking about two major surprises, the success of the Harton Lynx and the St. Brendanstown Siege. Are these teams for real?
KEITH JOHNSON: Scott, it's really too early to tell about the Siege, but they look like a team doing everything right. Expansion has thrown a lot of wild cards into the ELS deck, but the Siege looks like they're holding all Aces. Look at the hit they put on Carlos Cortez from Capistrano, whooooa Nellie!
SCOTT STUART: We'll talk about the Crows in just a minute, but what about the Lynx?
KEITH JOHNSON My momma back in Alabama told me that if I couldn't say something nice about someone I shouldn't say anything at all. I love momma, but she doesn't know a lick about sports.
The Lynx are the biggest pretenders since some of these clowns running around trying to stake a claim as monarch!
SCOTT STUART: Careful there, Keith!
KEITH JOHNSON I'm just saying that the Lynx were an awful team last year, if you watch them, you'll see they're an awful team this year. Take a look at their wins: Two narrow wins over expansion teams, the Rough Riders and the Pathetic Apocalypse and a rather suspect performance against the Crows.
SCOTT STUART Back again to the Crows. Let's look at the facts. A Teano Cup caliber team, coming off a dominating play-off performance. All team leaders returning for another run. Weak expansion team opposition. Zero wins. Three losses. What happened to this team?
KEITH JOHNSON I'm just a poor old country boy, so I don't want to get above my station, but boy howdy something smells worse than a rotten egg in August, hidden in an old pair of tennis shoes.
If we look at the tape of all the Crows losses, all of them were avoidable. Against the Torrent, a team that plays hard but just doesn't have all the pieces yet? A comfortable fourth point lead, then a change of players and the reserves allow a fourth quarter collapse, losing by a point. Against the Lynx? Scott, you, I, Commissioner Melancthon, and seven screaming toddlers could beat the Lynx, probably by a good margin. The Siege, as good as they are, were outplayed in the first half before the Crows offense tried up.
At this point, Scott, I predict the Crows will lose to Buen Puerto and finish last in the league.
SCOTT STUARTIt is interesting to note that all of these losses have come in games that the Crows were favored to win. Do you think they just didn't take these teams seriously, or do you subscribe to the rumors that something more sinister might be going on?
KEITH JOHNSON Not that it's stopped me before, but it would be irresponsible to speculate about gambling in the ELS. Let's see how they perform against a team they're supposed to lose to, then it might be worth taking a look at.
SCOTT STUARTYou heard it here first, folks! The Siege are for real, Keith isn't buying the Lynx's turn-around, and something smells bad in the state of Capistrano!
KEITH JOHNSON Capistrano's not a state, Scott, it's a city.
SCOTT STUART(trying to smile) I know that ya country bumpkin, it's called a literary allusion. Hamlet?.... Never mind.
(theme music)
That's it for END GAME! Peace out y'all!