EU4 diplomacy is for children

[Howl]

Rebels, rebels everywhere. They have taken over my land in Great Britain only 150k remaining down from 367k, but my endless stream of mercenaries has dried up as there are no more provinces to recruit them from. I have only 12k remaining, so I cannot fight them now. Massively displeased. We will need to ship a real army there.

"Why are there rebels everywhere?"
"Well, we took too much land and now all my people are really unhappy. And then we get many rebels"
"These are your people? And they burn the city? How does that make them happy again?"
"It does not, they just burn the city and then they move on and burn the next city."
"And the people in the city, don't they get unhappy and revolt as well?"
"Actually no. They don't care at all. In fact in some places they are so happy about this, that they will not revolt for another ten years"
"Eeeee? But...? What? Say that again."

I tried to explain this three times, but somehow it did not appear logical to him,

He came up with a solution later on in the bathtub:
"Dad, you are not allowed to take more!"
"What?"
"More land. On the map."
"What?"
"It makes everyone unhappy. Even your own people are unhappy. So you may not take more land."
"And then? What happens then."
"Then everyone will be lovely again."
"Ok. But what do I do then in the game."
"You are not allowed to attack anyone or take land."
"So what do I do?"
"Nothing. Just watch the map. I like just watching the map."

Finally someone explained to me the appeal of a non blobbing playstyle. I just could never understand.
And "lovely" is the best translation for the word he actually used. It's like being nice, but with love and care for each other.

 

[McGrey]

I tried to explain this three times, but somehow it did not appear logical to him,

If you explain it that way, it doesn't sound logical to me either, even though that's exactly how it works.

 

[PhoenixG]

pdx should hire your child as QA for all the stuff they make.

I'm loving the topic and I'm sorry for taking it a little sideways but what is the real benefit of actual ZERO forts?
I mean, it's not like I build one fort for every 50 development, specially in the early game, but by the middle-late game, you should be literally drowning in ducats and the only problem that I can see on building forts is the maintenance, so what's the other side of this strategy?

Besides not paying them, not much. Personally I don't like have zero forts. Did that once as Mongolia, but that was more of I can't effort it. And I must say it was a horror that I continuously need to spend resources to whack the carpet sieging stacks. I only build forts to just block off a front, so they can't sneak a stack and carpet sieging me from the back.

 

[cetvrtak]

And this I learned: The little carts travelling between trade nodes turn into boats when they reach the coast and if you hover over them the trade good and province they are from is displayed. Completely irrelevant, but 2k+ hours and I never noticed either...

How'bout a windmill?

This game is full of surprises. I love it!

Edit:

"Ok. But what do I do then in the game."
"You are not allowed to attack anyone or take land."
"So what do I do?"
"Nothing. Just watch the map. I like just watching the map."

This reminds me a lot of me In my last EU3 Burgundy game I set my eyes on Rheinlender provinces and only that. Didn't work though. In a peace treaty offer from Venice I accidentally pressed Accept button and ended up with Verona and Friuli as part my kingdom.

So too, in this EU4 Castile game I was going around minding my own business when suddenly the duke of Burgundy died and I had to accept the dominion over all his lands that were part of the HRE.

 

[Howl]

Unfortunately that's it.
He now knows too much of the game to ask questions and have these nice conversations. Also he is now the boss of the mouse and I am only allowed to watch.
Mainly we spend our time in Africa looking for animals and bones in the desert. There's a nice group of Zebras near Lake Victoria.

This has been fun and I want to quit before I overdo it and ruin it.

 

[Dominion]

This has been fun and I want to quit before I overdo it and ruin it.

I was promised an AAR GRAB THE PITCHFORKS! CHASE HIM, CHASE HIM!

 

[Serpent]

Thanks. It's been lovely.

 

[Martynios]

He has committed a coup d’état!

 

[Howl]

He has committed a coup d’état!

It's more like a really strange bug has occured.
The old Monarch has abdicated as indicated by the massive loss of prestige on this board and the reduced stability. The rebels are already going for their pitchforks, must be peasants*.
But the young king is still in regency, not allowed to declare war. Or even unpause the game. It is literally unplayable.

"What is that?"
"It is a pitchfork. Those rebels are farmers."
"No they are not."
"Why do you think that?"
"They have a cannon. Farmers have tractors, they do not have cannons."

 

[viale]

That's some very wise words. And remarkably poignant regarding peasant armies running around with more cannons than all your armies combined. Peasant revolts around the time the first cannons have been unlocked, but you don't have the funds to reorganize your armies is always a little weird to behold.

 

[Howl]

I was promised an AAR GRAB THE PITCHFORKS! CHASE HIM, CHASE HIM!

Not an AAR, but the next best thing you will get:
We let him watch the map alone for 10 minutes (for good reasons?) when I went to work at lunch. When I came home I was told he had shown my wife Zebras, Crocodiles and Elephants and the likes. He also wanted to show me something.
People fighing in India and rebels in Japan. Ok, he sure gets around alot on the map.

"So look there are many rebels in Japan."
"Yes, I have just had a revolution and there are still rebels left."
"Can you build a house for me here?"
"Sure, what would you like to build?"
.
.
.
"Actually I can't they are already building something. And I have no money??? Why are they building something?"
"I built one house for you."
"One?"
"A few."
"A few?"
"I built many houses in Japan and in the desert for you."
"You spent 5k money on houses? How do you even know how to build those?"
"You showed me.The game has money? I am sorr... Why are you laughing so much?"

Later I explained that I he need not worry, because I could borrow money form the bank in case he spent too much.
"Please borrow ALL money from the bank and build houses!"

In his defense he only bought three useless buildings (shipyard, drydock, dock).
I have not embraced Enlightenment yet, so even universities have their place.

Oh, and Paradox? Even a child will not touch the courtyard and town hall buildings. Does that not tell you something?

 

[Heradite]

10/10 best thread

 

[Ironside121]

Why not do a campaign, play as you normally would BUT you have to accept ANY suggestion he makes. See how long you can last.

2018's most wholesome thread, and it was only January.

 

[Dominion]

Not an AAR, but the next best thing you will get:
We let him watch the map alone for 10 minutes (for good reasons?) when I went to work at lunch. When I came home I was told he had shown my wife Zebras, Crocodiles and Elephants and the likes. He also wanted to show me something.
People fighing in India and rebels in Japan. Ok, he sure gets around alot on the map.

"So look there are many rebels in Japan."
"Yes, I have just had a revolution and there are still rebels left."
"Can you build a house for me here?"
"Sure, what would you like to build?"
.
.
.
"Actually I can't they are already building something. And I have no money??? Why are they building something?"
"I built one house for you."
"One?"
"A few."
"A few?"
"I built many houses in Japan and in the desert for you."
"You spent 5k money on houses? How do you even know how to build those?"
"You showed me.The game has money? I am sorr... Why are you laughing so much?"

Later I explained that I he need not worry, because I could borrow money form the bank in case he spent too much.
"Please borrow ALL money from the bank and build houses!"

In his defense he only bought three useless buildings (shipyard, drydock, dock).
I have not embraced Enlightenment yet, so even universities have their place.

Oh, and Paradox? Even a child will not touch the courtyard and town hall buildings. Does that not tell you something?

View attachment 331968

Don't switch freely between "we" and "I", please.

And let him write his story. He wants to commit genocide, you do not. It's obvious who my favorite family member is.

 

[viale]

Later I explained that I he need not worry, because I could borrow money form the bank in case he spent too much.
"Please borrow ALL money from the bank and build houses!"

This is the bankruptcy exploit right? borrow everything and go bankrupt to clear loans.

 

[cetvrtak]

A wise man once said:
“If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.”

 

[kacpe3]

Tactical post to observe the thread

 

[Howl]

And let him write his story. He wants to commit genocide, you do not. It's obvious who my favorite family member is.

You are so last century, we are a revolutionary republic now and have wholeheartedly embraced the enlightenment. We don't do this kind of thing anymore. Unfortunately we will have to dispose of you same way we did with the king.
"We are a republic now, the king is gone."
"Where is he?"
"Just gone."
"Maybe he is in the castle?"
"The new one we built in Rome?"
"Yes. Together with the princess."
"What do you thinnk they do in the castle?"
"I don't know. Do they have wooden toy trains?"
"Sure, why not..."

Proof of our enlightenment. I took out a loan, to let him build more buildings. Wanted to find out how he does it and what goes into his decision making. He said yesterday he built the buildings that looked the prettiest. Today he built universities in every province that could have one.
"Then your people can learn more. Good education is important." = Proud dad.

This is the bankruptcy exploit right? borrow everything and go bankrupt to clear loans.

I am not showing him how to take out loans. This is going to be my three mountains, so no bankruptcy. A couple 10k at this point are not so important, but I want this achievement.

A wise man once said:
“If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't understand it yourself.”

There are some really difficult concepts in the game though.
Attrition: "They don't have enough food to eat? Why don't they go to the town to buy some?"
"I want to see the king." "You cannot, there is no picture of him." "Why?" "He is just not in the game." "Why?" "I don't know."

But after all , he is only five. So I am still good.
And another wise man once said: "If you need to shout you are probably incorrect."

Tactical post to observe the thread

As I said before, I don't expect anything more. This last post was already mainly for me. It was much funnier in real life than typing it out.
You cannot imagine my surprise when I found out he had spent all my money on buildings. I had no idea he knew how to do that.

 

[cetvrtak]

And another wise man once said: "If you need to shout you are probably incorrect."

I couldn't find that one on Google It was a copy/pasted text

My apologies for not making it clearer, the quote was aimed at Paradox who, I believe, would have serious problems explaining some of the concepts to a six year old. No disrespect intended.

 

[Howl]

I couldn't find that one on Google It was a copy/pasted text

My apologies for not making it clearer, the quote was aimed at Paradox who, I believe, would have serious problems explaining some of the concepts to a six year old. No disrespect intended.

Absolutely no offense taken.
Google tells me "If you shout, you are wrong" is a german proverb.
Since when do you have to back up stuff you make up in internet posts? I guess I got lucky there...