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As the screenshot implies, it tells me to, if I have windows (which I do), try downloading the newest version of C++ and .NET Framework and validating the integrity of my game files. I have done this a good three times now to no avail.

I have also done the classic "delete everything associated to the paradox launcher including removing it from your add or remove programs list and do a clean reinstall of the game". I did this a good 5 times, to also no avail.

If anyone has any clue as to what else I can do that isn't what I listed above, I would very much appreciate it because I am completely clueless as to what else I can do to fix this issue that's been happening for a good 2 months now.
 
You should post this in the tech support forum(ideally with a working screenshot).
If you got the error which I think you got, it can have many sources. To narrow it down somewhat, try to start the game from eu4.exe (eu4.app on macOS) . If that works it is a launcher problem. If it doesn't work it is a game problem. In that case, please tell me how far in the startup process you get(what is the last thing that eu4 displays) and if you get any error message.

If you get an error message about a missing VCRUNTIME or other dll file, please try to (re-)install the microsoft visual c++ redistributables. You can get the latest version from this website or directly download the installer from this link. There is an arm version(ARM64), a 32bit version(x86) and a 64bit version(x64). Current eu4 versions only need the 64bit(x64) version.
After downloading it, you have to run vc_redist.x64.exe to install them.
Does this help?
 
I have also done the classic "delete everything associated to the paradox launcher including removing it from your add or remove programs list and do a clean reinstall of the game". I did this a good 5 times, to also no avail.

There could be files still on your computer unfortunately, the remove programs function doesn't always look in all the subdirectories of C:\Users\...