-
We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Mussolini certainly looks like he just got served. 
Nice tricks with the fake Fuehrer and autograph. I love the "First World War" bits, by the way, makes for a great running joke.
Nice tricks with the fake Fuehrer and autograph. I love the "First World War" bits, by the way, makes for a great running joke. 
LAWL!
Another excellent update, and well done in getting Trento, I usually have so much trouble getting the AI to give me stuff
I need someone to write the Moldavian National anthem in the hidden AAR. So assuming you have Victoria with revolutions and VIP:R you are hereby invited to guest write .
http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?t=333331
.http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?t=333331
*Wien, summer 1936*
Schuschnigg: Egon, could you tell us what is going on in Spain?
Berger-Waldenegg: The Spanish fascists have started a war against the leftist goverment of Spain. Italy and Germany are supplying general Franco's fascist forces while Soviet Union aids the goverment's loyalist armies. It is a full-scale civil war.
Schuschnigg: We must help our fascist brethen! And also out-help Hitler.
von Hegedüs: I suggest that we send our to-be-built fleet, which will be made of extremely high quality Krupp steel, to bombard Spanish coastal cities. Did you know that Krupp steel includes 2.0% of carbon and 0.5% of wolfram which makes Krupp steel able to handle extreme pressure and heat?
Schuschnigg: No, Paul, no!
Spanish Civil War opened a whole new market for manufacturers of cheesy propaganda posters
von Hegedüs: May I offer you a cup of fresh Nescafè while you think about my suggestion? Nescafè is extremely easy and quick to make and it's good taste and refreshing elements make sure your coffee break will be a heavenly experience.
Raab: What on Earth are you talking about, Paul?
von Hegedüs: Since for one reason or another *gives a bad look at Schuschnigg* the budget of navy is non-existant, I had to take some sponsors...
Löhr: So how much have you earned this far?
von Hegedüs: Almost enough for Austria's first ship! I have already arranged with German chief of navy Erich Raeder that we are allowed to use their ports to store it.
Gebauer: Can you tell us what kind of a ship it will be?
Schuschnigg: Who the hell are you?
Gebauer: ...
Still the head of intelligence and Austrian James Bond etc.
Schuschnigg: Minister of intelligence? Hey, I just came up with an excellent idea! Secretary, send the scientist Wilhelm Wolff here!
von Hegedüs: As I was saying, I have the drawing of the ship now with me. Here it is:
Kubena: What is that!?
von Hegedüs: The sponsorship contracts are not very lucrative...
Schuschnigg: Back on topic, people! I have arranged a boatride for 20 thousand soldiers. Kubena, Zehner, von Jansa, you will be leading those two divisions. I think we all know how we will decide who get's the overall command, right?
Kubena, Zehner, von Jansa: 1...2...3!
Kubena: Paper!
von Jansa: Scissors!
Zehner: Rock!
Löhr: Looks like a three-way tie.
Zehner: Not so fast. Von Jansa eliminates Kubena's paper with his scissors while I will rock the heck out of him.
Kubena: My paper is worth nothing?
Zehner: *takes a paper and throws a rock through it*
Pretty much.
Schuschnigg: Ok, Zehner will take overall control of the operation and Austrian armed forces. Löhr's airforce will also be under your overall command.
Aaaarrrggghhh, my eyes! I see two Zehners!
Zehner: Yes!
von Jansa and Kubena: Awwww...
Zehner: Hey Alfred, no hard feelings?
von Jansa: No hard feelings, mate.
*von Jansa and Zehner hug each other*
Zehner: This is gay.
von Jansa: This is REALLY gay.
*Wilhelm Wolff enters the room*
Wolff: Heil Schuschnigg!
Schuschnigg: Ahh, Wilhelm. I will be creating a new ministry to take care of Austria's scientific progress and I want you to organize and lead it. I am going to call you "head of intelligence" from this point on. Am I witty or what?
Wolff: Thank you, mein Führer. This is really an honour.
Wilhelm Wolff, the owner of a head that contains great intelligence and the head of Intelligence.
Gebauer: What!?
Schuschnigg: You are still here? Schoo, schoo, you are not needed here.
Gebauer: I swear I will avenge this! You cannot escape from my wrath, Kurt Schuschnigg! *theatrically leaves the room*
Schuschnigg: Creep.
Ok, Wilhelm. All scientists of Austria are under your command. Do your best in modernizing our country.
I think that concludes this meeting. We already should have stopped it to that weird dude's dramatic leaving. All great soap operas always end their episodes in such cheesy moments.
All: Heil Schuschnigg! *they start leaving the room. After the last one has left, Schuschnigg falls on the sofa and starts snoring*
von Jansa: *behind the door*
Can you hear anything, Alfred?
von Jansa: I think...I think he is sleeping.
Zehner: No song today?
von Jansa: No song today.
Zehner: That's gay.
von Jansa: That's REALLY gay.
Schuschnigg: Egon, could you tell us what is going on in Spain?
Berger-Waldenegg: The Spanish fascists have started a war against the leftist goverment of Spain. Italy and Germany are supplying general Franco's fascist forces while Soviet Union aids the goverment's loyalist armies. It is a full-scale civil war.
Schuschnigg: We must help our fascist brethen! And also out-help Hitler.
von Hegedüs: I suggest that we send our to-be-built fleet, which will be made of extremely high quality Krupp steel, to bombard Spanish coastal cities. Did you know that Krupp steel includes 2.0% of carbon and 0.5% of wolfram which makes Krupp steel able to handle extreme pressure and heat?
Schuschnigg: No, Paul, no!
Spanish Civil War opened a whole new market for manufacturers of cheesy propaganda posters
von Hegedüs: May I offer you a cup of fresh Nescafè while you think about my suggestion? Nescafè is extremely easy and quick to make and it's good taste and refreshing elements make sure your coffee break will be a heavenly experience.
Raab: What on Earth are you talking about, Paul?
von Hegedüs: Since for one reason or another *gives a bad look at Schuschnigg* the budget of navy is non-existant, I had to take some sponsors...
Löhr: So how much have you earned this far?
von Hegedüs: Almost enough for Austria's first ship! I have already arranged with German chief of navy Erich Raeder that we are allowed to use their ports to store it.
Gebauer: Can you tell us what kind of a ship it will be?
Schuschnigg: Who the hell are you?
Gebauer: ...
Still the head of intelligence and Austrian James Bond etc.
Schuschnigg: Minister of intelligence? Hey, I just came up with an excellent idea! Secretary, send the scientist Wilhelm Wolff here!
von Hegedüs: As I was saying, I have the drawing of the ship now with me. Here it is:
Kubena: What is that!?
von Hegedüs: The sponsorship contracts are not very lucrative...
Schuschnigg: Back on topic, people! I have arranged a boatride for 20 thousand soldiers. Kubena, Zehner, von Jansa, you will be leading those two divisions. I think we all know how we will decide who get's the overall command, right?
Kubena, Zehner, von Jansa: 1...2...3!
Kubena: Paper!
von Jansa: Scissors!
Zehner: Rock!
Löhr: Looks like a three-way tie.
Zehner: Not so fast. Von Jansa eliminates Kubena's paper with his scissors while I will rock the heck out of him.
Kubena: My paper is worth nothing?
Zehner: *takes a paper and throws a rock through it*
Pretty much.
Schuschnigg: Ok, Zehner will take overall control of the operation and Austrian armed forces. Löhr's airforce will also be under your overall command.
Aaaarrrggghhh, my eyes! I see two Zehners!
Zehner: Yes!
von Jansa and Kubena: Awwww...
Zehner: Hey Alfred, no hard feelings?
von Jansa: No hard feelings, mate.
*von Jansa and Zehner hug each other*
Zehner: This is gay.
von Jansa: This is REALLY gay.
*Wilhelm Wolff enters the room*
Wolff: Heil Schuschnigg!
Schuschnigg: Ahh, Wilhelm. I will be creating a new ministry to take care of Austria's scientific progress and I want you to organize and lead it. I am going to call you "head of intelligence" from this point on. Am I witty or what?
Wolff: Thank you, mein Führer. This is really an honour.
Wilhelm Wolff, the owner of a head that contains great intelligence and the head of Intelligence.
Gebauer: What!?
Schuschnigg: You are still here? Schoo, schoo, you are not needed here.
Gebauer: I swear I will avenge this! You cannot escape from my wrath, Kurt Schuschnigg! *theatrically leaves the room*
Schuschnigg: Creep.
Ok, Wilhelm. All scientists of Austria are under your command. Do your best in modernizing our country.
I think that concludes this meeting. We already should have stopped it to that weird dude's dramatic leaving. All great soap operas always end their episodes in such cheesy moments.
All: Heil Schuschnigg! *they start leaving the room. After the last one has left, Schuschnigg falls on the sofa and starts snoring*
von Jansa: *behind the door*
Can you hear anything, Alfred?
von Jansa: I think...I think he is sleeping.
Zehner: No song today?
von Jansa: No song today.
Zehner: That's gay.
von Jansa: That's REALLY gay.
How that update relates to actual game events? Spanish Civil War (surprise surprise) DID happen but I am not actually sending troops there in game, I am just making an opportunity for a sub-plot this way. And I did change some ministers around but only in year 1938 but you will never have to know that.
Oh crap.
likk9922: Glad you were briefly entertained with that update.
Judas Maccabeus: I actually came up with those "First World War" jokes completely by accident. I was just writing that Austria lost land in WWI when I said to myself: "wait a minute...." and I realised WWII hadn't happened yet.
English Patriot: Italy was quite cooperative with that, with 50% chance of getting the land. I succeeded with my second try. I wish Checkosslovakia would be as nice. I have 0% chance of demanding territory from them.
Dysken: It is an honour that ask me to be part of the project.
I wrote a little piece of song few days back but due to hurry I haven't yet finished it. I will PM it to you when I find time to finish it and ask you what you think of it. It will be an anthem and not related to game events in any way.
Hannibal Barca2: Good to see you are having a laugh with this.
Oh crap.
likk9922: Glad you were briefly entertained with that update.
Judas Maccabeus: I actually came up with those "First World War" jokes completely by accident. I was just writing that Austria lost land in WWI when I said to myself: "wait a minute...." and I realised WWII hadn't happened yet.
English Patriot: Italy was quite cooperative with that, with 50% chance of getting the land. I succeeded with my second try. I wish Checkosslovakia would be as nice. I have 0% chance of demanding territory from them.
Dysken: It is an honour that ask me to be part of the project.
I wrote a little piece of song few days back but due to hurry I haven't yet finished it. I will PM it to you when I find time to finish it and ask you what you think of it. It will be an anthem and not related to game events in any way.
Hannibal Barca2: Good to see you are having a laugh with this.
Charle_88: Spain used to be a Habsburg holding, so it clearly is a rightful part of Austria.
works for me ! !
works for me ! !
MORE ! !
*in a dark cave somewhere in the Austrian Alps*
Gebauer: Paul, I am pleased that you have decided to accept my invitation and joined my little gathering here.
von Hegedüs: Yes, Wilhelm, I came as you requested.
Gebauer: Good, good. I assume you have realized what we are going to do?
We, my friend, are going to rid the world of the devil himself.
We are going to kill Kurt Schuschnigg, once and for all!
von Hegedüs: Ohh, I thought we were going to build us a navy.
*sees the angry look from Gebauer*
But that'll do.
Gebauer: I have collected the most evil minds of Austria under my command! Meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ultimate warrior. Sigmund Freud, the master of human mind. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the child genious. Fritz Lang, he makes great films. Leopold Josef Graf Daun, one of the greatest military minds Austria has ever seen. Alois Hitler, the father of most evil man of mankind's history. Niki Lauda, my personal chaffeur. Matthias Sindelar, the greatest football player of Austria's "Wunderteam". And lastly Ignaz Seipel, the man who takes care of your soul and your life. Yes, Ignaz, we haven't forgotten July 15th!
von Hegedüs: Wilhelm...those figures are made of paper...
Matthias Sindelar: I'm real. I just look like being made of paper.
Matthias "the Man of Paper" Sindelar, the star of "Wunderteam"
Gebauer: I know, I know...It just is so hard being an evil villain these days. The massive inflation, the "no more war"- attitude, it all makes hiring reliable evil minions just so much more difficult.
von Hegedüs: ...
We are the lamest villains ever.
Gebauer: Don't give up yet, Paul. If we succeed, we will build you a navy!
And you Matthias, we will make football Austria's national sport and essential part of P.E curriculum. Every single citizen must play football atleast 20 hours a week!
And me? Well, I am going to establish the most succesful spy network world has ever seen!
von Hegedüs: Gee, it's good we are aiming for the top like all respectable villains.
Gebauer: All righty then. We will try and take over the world!
Sindelar: Are you nuts? How exactly do you think we could achieve that?
Gebauer: Fine, fine. We will try and take over Austria!
Sindelar: Much better.
von Hegedüs: And build a navy.
Gebauer: So are you with me or against me? There is no middle ground.
Or actually there is but that sounds much more dramatic.
von Hegedüs: Yeah, I'm with you.
Sindelar: So am I.
von Hegedüs: Well Wilhelm, what shall we do tonight?
Gebauer: The same thing we do every night from this point on, Paul —Try to take over Austria.
*diabolical bwahahahaa laughter*
von Hegedüs: *diabolical bwahahaa laughter*
Sindelar: Bwahahahaah!
Gebauer: No Matthias, the laughter comes from your lungs. Like this: *diabolical bwahahahaa laughter*
Sindelar: Bwahahahaaaa!
von Hegedüs: God I hate you Matthias.
Gebauer: Paul, I am pleased that you have decided to accept my invitation and joined my little gathering here.
von Hegedüs: Yes, Wilhelm, I came as you requested.
Gebauer: Good, good. I assume you have realized what we are going to do?
We, my friend, are going to rid the world of the devil himself.
We are going to kill Kurt Schuschnigg, once and for all!
von Hegedüs: Ohh, I thought we were going to build us a navy.
*sees the angry look from Gebauer*
But that'll do.
Gebauer: I have collected the most evil minds of Austria under my command! Meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, the ultimate warrior. Sigmund Freud, the master of human mind. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the child genious. Fritz Lang, he makes great films. Leopold Josef Graf Daun, one of the greatest military minds Austria has ever seen. Alois Hitler, the father of most evil man of mankind's history. Niki Lauda, my personal chaffeur. Matthias Sindelar, the greatest football player of Austria's "Wunderteam". And lastly Ignaz Seipel, the man who takes care of your soul and your life. Yes, Ignaz, we haven't forgotten July 15th!
von Hegedüs: Wilhelm...those figures are made of paper...
Matthias Sindelar: I'm real. I just look like being made of paper.
Matthias "the Man of Paper" Sindelar, the star of "Wunderteam"
Gebauer: I know, I know...It just is so hard being an evil villain these days. The massive inflation, the "no more war"- attitude, it all makes hiring reliable evil minions just so much more difficult.
von Hegedüs: ...
We are the lamest villains ever.
Gebauer: Don't give up yet, Paul. If we succeed, we will build you a navy!
And you Matthias, we will make football Austria's national sport and essential part of P.E curriculum. Every single citizen must play football atleast 20 hours a week!
And me? Well, I am going to establish the most succesful spy network world has ever seen!
von Hegedüs: Gee, it's good we are aiming for the top like all respectable villains.
Gebauer: All righty then. We will try and take over the world!
Sindelar: Are you nuts? How exactly do you think we could achieve that?
Gebauer: Fine, fine. We will try and take over Austria!
Sindelar: Much better.
von Hegedüs: And build a navy.
Gebauer: So are you with me or against me? There is no middle ground.
Or actually there is but that sounds much more dramatic.
von Hegedüs: Yeah, I'm with you.
Sindelar: So am I.
von Hegedüs: Well Wilhelm, what shall we do tonight?
Gebauer: The same thing we do every night from this point on, Paul —Try to take over Austria.
*diabolical bwahahahaa laughter*
von Hegedüs: *diabolical bwahahaa laughter*
Sindelar: Bwahahahaah!
Gebauer: No Matthias, the laughter comes from your lungs. Like this: *diabolical bwahahahaa laughter*
Sindelar: Bwahahahaaaa!
von Hegedüs: God I hate you Matthias.
Last edited:
Merry Christmas to y'all!
That's my Christmas present to those who get theirs today and late present to cool kids like me who received theirs yesterday. Coulda been longer and better (used about half the time I spent on other updates) but naturally on Christmas Day I am quite reluctant to spend too much time on computer.
And to those barbarians who don't know who Matthias Sindelar was, shame on you. "The Paperman" was the greatest Austrian football player and sportsman ever. And the fact he was called "The Man of Paper" or "Paperman" as we Finns call him, gave me a decent (let's be honest, bad) joke.
Hannibal Barca2: Well, they be laughing soon no more!
likk9922: Nescafe is great. Did you know that in many countries, 'Nescafe' is commonly used to refer to any instant coffee? Or Taster's Choice is referenced in the Food Will Win the War song "Big Yellow"
trekaddict: Glorious as ever.
Charle_88: Now who needs reasons to invade Spain?
Dysken: In Hebrew, the word "nes" means miracle, and the word "cafe" means coffee, leading many Israelis to believe the name of the product means "miracle of coffee".
Isn't Nescafe just amazing product?
GhostWriter: Now there's a present just for YOU! (you as plural form)
That's my Christmas present to those who get theirs today and late present to cool kids like me who received theirs yesterday. Coulda been longer and better (used about half the time I spent on other updates) but naturally on Christmas Day I am quite reluctant to spend too much time on computer.
And to those barbarians who don't know who Matthias Sindelar was, shame on you. "The Paperman" was the greatest Austrian football player and sportsman ever. And the fact he was called "The Man of Paper" or "Paperman" as we Finns call him, gave me a decent (let's be honest, bad) joke.
Hannibal Barca2: Well, they be laughing soon no more!
likk9922: Nescafe is great. Did you know that in many countries, 'Nescafe' is commonly used to refer to any instant coffee? Or Taster's Choice is referenced in the Food Will Win the War song "Big Yellow"
trekaddict: Glorious as ever.
Charle_88: Now who needs reasons to invade Spain?
Dysken: In Hebrew, the word "nes" means miracle, and the word "cafe" means coffee, leading many Israelis to believe the name of the product means "miracle of coffee".
Isn't Nescafe just amazing product?
GhostWriter: Now there's a present just for YOU! (you as plural form)
Paper cutouts. :rofl:
Personally, I think that this wasn't your best. But it was still hilarious.
Personally, I think that this wasn't your best. But it was still hilarious.
EvilSanta: ...Gebauer: No Matthias, the laughter comes from your lungs...
perhaps Matthias is not so sure about plotting against the gov't ? ?
excellent update ! !
perhaps Matthias is not so sure about plotting against the gov't ? ?
excellent update ! !
*Austrian headquarters in Tarragona, Spain, late summer 1936*
Mola Vidal: Stand up, you lazy bastards!
von Jansa: Ahh, field marshal Mola Vidal. What a pleasant surprise.
Mola Vidal: It's my pleasure!
Kubina: *mumbles* It's not ours, now that's for sure...
Mola Vidal: I will get straight to the point. We are going to assault the Barcelona pocket tomorrow at nul seven hundred! German artillery shoots for exactly 10 and a half minutes and then Austro-Spanish forces rush towards enemy lines! We expect the enemy to number around 50.000 men with heavy armoured contingent! Our airforce is busy elsewhere so no help from the skies! Are there any questions!?
Zehner: No.
Mola Vidal: Good! Prepare your forces and instruct your officers! Pisar la communismo!
von Jansa: Yes, pisar and stuff....
Kubena: Why does he have to yell at us?
Zehner: Well, that's Mola Vidal for you. He is a cruel and senseless man.
Emilio Moda Vidal, one of Franco's most trusted minions
Kubena: *sobs* Is it because I am not clever enough?
von Jansa: There, there Johan. It's all going to be all right.
Kubena: *sobs* I...I wanna go home!
von Jansa: There, there, Johan. We all do. But you need to calm down. Think of the flowers. You like flowers, don't you? Ooooh, you LOVE flowers!
Kubena: *smiles a bit* Flowers are pretty. They are good.
Zehner: Did you know that the communists hate flowers? They kill all the flowers they see! They can't stand flowers! They want to rid the world off flowers!
von Jansa: Yes, and that is why we are fightning here in Spain now! To kill Communists and save flowers!
Kubena: Thanks guys, my passion for murder and torture returned. *wipes off tears*
Ok, time to tell the lads what we'r up to, eh?
Zehner: *grins* It's good to have you back.
von Jansa: *a grenade whistling is heard*
GET DOWN!
*the tent around them blows up as grenade explodes right next to it. The three generals save themselves under the table*
Zehner: Are you guys ok?
von Jansa: I'm fine.
Kubena: Yeah, me too. Just a little scratch on my arm.
Random Austrian soldier: The communists, the communists are attacking!
*more explosions are heard*
A random picture to make the update seem longer
von Jansa: Quick! You two must go to the Spanish headquarters and alarm them!
Kubena: But...
von Jansa: No buts! You must go and counter-attack the communist flank with Spanish forces!
Zehner: We won't leave you here alone. We can't. We shall stand here with you!
von Jansa: No! You must go and get reinforcements! Don't worry about me, I have defensive doctrine and I am lt. general so I can command our 3 divisions myself! Now go with haste!
*the two generals leave*
Now marshal Miaja Menant, it is just you and me. And 80.000 soldiers. Soldiers, take positions! Weihlmann, take your brigade to the forest east of us and be prepared to strike! Hickenbauer, your men will watch Weihlmann's rear! And stop that sniggering!
Miaja Menant, the man responsible for Republican armies of Barcelona
And so it begins, Miaja Menant. And so it begins.
*covers as a grenade explodes few meters from him*
*meanwhile in Spanish headquarters*
Kubena: Mola Vidal! We need to see Mola Vidal!
Secretary: I am sorry but he is busy and not seeing visitors.
Zehner: *grabs secretary from shoulders and shakes her*
But we must see him! The republicans are attacking at our positions and they will soon break through from the encirclement unless we hurry!
Secretary: I am sorry but I have strict orders...
*Zehner pushes her backwards and runs towards the office and opens the door*
Mola Vidal: And you, Little Red Riding Hood, what do you think of me?
*impersonates Little Red Riding Hood*
Well, I believe you are super awesome and sweet! You are handsome and wise! And you make great tea! *puts a tea cup on the lips of Little Red Riding Hood - doll*
Ahh, thank you Little Red Riding Hood, you make me blush.
*impersonates Cinderella*
But she is right. You are so brave and handsome!
A Cinderella doll
*notices Zehner and Kubena*
Krhm, I...the war stresses me...I relax....my mother didn't love me...
Zehner: Look, we don't care about your little play
*sees a Snow White - doll with all clothes rippen off her*
Oh Christ, that's sick!
Mola Vidal: Krhm
*drinks a glass of water*
Why are you here, you lazy bastards!?
Kubena: The republicans, they are attacking our positions! Von Jansa tries to delay them but he cannot hold out for too long. We need to go and help him before it is too late!
Mola Vidal: You go and inform the officers! I...have some urgent things to do! I will be joining you in 30 minutes!
*Kubena and Zehner run off to inform Spanish officers*
Zehner: What a creep.
Kubena: And to think I was upset because of him....
*meanwhile in the battle*
von Jansa: Artillery, bomb sector twelve! Bauer, pull your men back to our defensive line! Hausmann, Geldenegger, take your men to forest to support Weihlmann and try to encircle the Republican spearhead!
*a cold, dark voice*
Stop, von Jansa!
von Jansa: Ahh, Miaja Menant. I have been expecting you.
*draws his sword and charges. Miaja Menant mimicks*
von Jansa: You cursed Republicans, you cannot win this war!
Miaja Menant: Silence, you fool! The Republic is too strong for you petty fascist scum! And now, you shall die!
*the swords hit each other creating a huge burst of energy. A vortex forms above them and sucks the two opposing leaders in. Only heated swords remain on the ground*
*few hours later, the Spanish reinforcements had arrived and saved the Austrian forces while Republican army is retreating back towards Barcelona*
Zehner: We...did it. But at what cost?
Kubena: A horrible slaughter. Just the way I like it. Say, where is von Jansa?
Zehner: *a panic strikes the man*
I...don't know! Soldier, where is general Alfred von Jansa?
Soldier: We haven't heard about him for a few hours, sir!
Zehner: This...can't be true. Alfred can't die! He is too strong!
*10 minutes later, Zehner and Kubena find the swords on the ground*
Zehner: *takes the sword from the ground*
This...this is Alfred's sword! I...I can't believe he is dead.
*falls to his knees*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kubena: I know this hurts. You and Alfred were such good friends.
Zehner: He...he was my best friend! I...I loved him! In the non-gay way, of course.
Kubena: You must be strong, Wilhelm. The Republicans are retreating, their defences are not organized, their armies weakened. Now is the time to attack! We cannot waste time. We must destroy the Republican pocket once and for all! That's what Alfred would have wanted.
Zehner: I...I quess you are right. I must revenge the death of my friend! Onwards, soldiers! The day is not over yet! We still have Communists to kill! Onwards, my soldiers! Revenge the death of Alfred von Jansa!
*the soldiers start cheering*
Mola Vidal: Stand up, you lazy bastards!
von Jansa: Ahh, field marshal Mola Vidal. What a pleasant surprise.
Mola Vidal: It's my pleasure!
Kubina: *mumbles* It's not ours, now that's for sure...
Mola Vidal: I will get straight to the point. We are going to assault the Barcelona pocket tomorrow at nul seven hundred! German artillery shoots for exactly 10 and a half minutes and then Austro-Spanish forces rush towards enemy lines! We expect the enemy to number around 50.000 men with heavy armoured contingent! Our airforce is busy elsewhere so no help from the skies! Are there any questions!?
Zehner: No.
Mola Vidal: Good! Prepare your forces and instruct your officers! Pisar la communismo!
von Jansa: Yes, pisar and stuff....
Kubena: Why does he have to yell at us?
Zehner: Well, that's Mola Vidal for you. He is a cruel and senseless man.
Emilio Moda Vidal, one of Franco's most trusted minions
Kubena: *sobs* Is it because I am not clever enough?
von Jansa: There, there Johan. It's all going to be all right.
Kubena: *sobs* I...I wanna go home!
von Jansa: There, there, Johan. We all do. But you need to calm down. Think of the flowers. You like flowers, don't you? Ooooh, you LOVE flowers!
Kubena: *smiles a bit* Flowers are pretty. They are good.
Zehner: Did you know that the communists hate flowers? They kill all the flowers they see! They can't stand flowers! They want to rid the world off flowers!
von Jansa: Yes, and that is why we are fightning here in Spain now! To kill Communists and save flowers!
Kubena: Thanks guys, my passion for murder and torture returned. *wipes off tears*
Ok, time to tell the lads what we'r up to, eh?
Zehner: *grins* It's good to have you back.
von Jansa: *a grenade whistling is heard*
GET DOWN!
*the tent around them blows up as grenade explodes right next to it. The three generals save themselves under the table*
Zehner: Are you guys ok?
von Jansa: I'm fine.
Kubena: Yeah, me too. Just a little scratch on my arm.
Random Austrian soldier: The communists, the communists are attacking!
*more explosions are heard*
A random picture to make the update seem longer
von Jansa: Quick! You two must go to the Spanish headquarters and alarm them!
Kubena: But...
von Jansa: No buts! You must go and counter-attack the communist flank with Spanish forces!
Zehner: We won't leave you here alone. We can't. We shall stand here with you!
von Jansa: No! You must go and get reinforcements! Don't worry about me, I have defensive doctrine and I am lt. general so I can command our 3 divisions myself! Now go with haste!
*the two generals leave*
Now marshal Miaja Menant, it is just you and me. And 80.000 soldiers. Soldiers, take positions! Weihlmann, take your brigade to the forest east of us and be prepared to strike! Hickenbauer, your men will watch Weihlmann's rear! And stop that sniggering!
Miaja Menant, the man responsible for Republican armies of Barcelona
And so it begins, Miaja Menant. And so it begins.
*covers as a grenade explodes few meters from him*
*meanwhile in Spanish headquarters*
Kubena: Mola Vidal! We need to see Mola Vidal!
Secretary: I am sorry but he is busy and not seeing visitors.
Zehner: *grabs secretary from shoulders and shakes her*
But we must see him! The republicans are attacking at our positions and they will soon break through from the encirclement unless we hurry!
Secretary: I am sorry but I have strict orders...
*Zehner pushes her backwards and runs towards the office and opens the door*
Mola Vidal: And you, Little Red Riding Hood, what do you think of me?
*impersonates Little Red Riding Hood*
Well, I believe you are super awesome and sweet! You are handsome and wise! And you make great tea! *puts a tea cup on the lips of Little Red Riding Hood - doll*
Ahh, thank you Little Red Riding Hood, you make me blush.
*impersonates Cinderella*
But she is right. You are so brave and handsome!
A Cinderella doll
*notices Zehner and Kubena*
Krhm, I...the war stresses me...I relax....my mother didn't love me...
Zehner: Look, we don't care about your little play
*sees a Snow White - doll with all clothes rippen off her*
Oh Christ, that's sick!
Mola Vidal: Krhm
*drinks a glass of water*
Why are you here, you lazy bastards!?
Kubena: The republicans, they are attacking our positions! Von Jansa tries to delay them but he cannot hold out for too long. We need to go and help him before it is too late!
Mola Vidal: You go and inform the officers! I...have some urgent things to do! I will be joining you in 30 minutes!
*Kubena and Zehner run off to inform Spanish officers*
Zehner: What a creep.
Kubena: And to think I was upset because of him....
*meanwhile in the battle*
von Jansa: Artillery, bomb sector twelve! Bauer, pull your men back to our defensive line! Hausmann, Geldenegger, take your men to forest to support Weihlmann and try to encircle the Republican spearhead!
*a cold, dark voice*
Stop, von Jansa!
von Jansa: Ahh, Miaja Menant. I have been expecting you.
*draws his sword and charges. Miaja Menant mimicks*
von Jansa: You cursed Republicans, you cannot win this war!
Miaja Menant: Silence, you fool! The Republic is too strong for you petty fascist scum! And now, you shall die!
*the swords hit each other creating a huge burst of energy. A vortex forms above them and sucks the two opposing leaders in. Only heated swords remain on the ground*
*few hours later, the Spanish reinforcements had arrived and saved the Austrian forces while Republican army is retreating back towards Barcelona*
Zehner: We...did it. But at what cost?
Kubena: A horrible slaughter. Just the way I like it. Say, where is von Jansa?
Zehner: *a panic strikes the man*
I...don't know! Soldier, where is general Alfred von Jansa?
Soldier: We haven't heard about him for a few hours, sir!
Zehner: This...can't be true. Alfred can't die! He is too strong!
*10 minutes later, Zehner and Kubena find the swords on the ground*
Zehner: *takes the sword from the ground*
This...this is Alfred's sword! I...I can't believe he is dead.
*falls to his knees*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kubena: I know this hurts. You and Alfred were such good friends.
Zehner: He...he was my best friend! I...I loved him! In the non-gay way, of course.
Kubena: You must be strong, Wilhelm. The Republicans are retreating, their defences are not organized, their armies weakened. Now is the time to attack! We cannot waste time. We must destroy the Republican pocket once and for all! That's what Alfred would have wanted.
Zehner: I...I quess you are right. I must revenge the death of my friend! Onwards, soldiers! The day is not over yet! We still have Communists to kill! Onwards, my soldiers! Revenge the death of Alfred von Jansa!
*the soldiers start cheering*