Seeveral groaners in that one, but they had me laughing out loud. You are really getting the hang of this accent filled speech! So, I wonder where Paulus won't be from. 
-
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Amric said:
Didnt the roman emp Titus make it to heaven in Dantes Divine Comedy? Theres always Limbo(first layer of hell) and Purgatory(prep for heaven), those arnt exactly hell and wouldnt be to taboo. But Theology doesnt really belong here now does it. :rofl:
_Arcadian_ said:
I think someones been watching Family Guy. :rofl:
Actually, 'Stalin' in place of 'stalling' is one of the most commonly used Russian puns out there. I've heard it on at least four different entertainment mediums. Let's see... I believe Family Guy used it as 'Quit Stalin and show us your Marx!"
Last edited:
Rome, 1470
Massimo, the guardian angel of the Papal States, once again finds himself in the Vatican, ready to bend over backwards to accomodate the every whim of the Popes. He now arrives in a very ornate room, where Pope Paulus the Second is restlessly awaiting him.
"Greetings Pope Paulus the Second," said Massimo the angel to the Pope.
"Greetings? Feh, where have you been Massimo!" said Pope Paulus in an angry and concerned voice. "You were gone all night long!"
"I was out..." said Massimo, shifting his eyes.
"Out where?!" he said sternly.
"Just out, OK!"
"I see," said the Pope. "Who was with you?"
"Look, just back off Paulus!" said Massimo defiantly.
"That's Mom to you!" boomed Paulus.
Massimo shot him a confused look.
"Enough mishigosh! You can't even respect you're own Jewish mother!" said Pope Paulus, who was actually a Jewish mother. "Why do I set a curfew in the Vatican if you don't obey it!"
"Excuse me..."
"All the Cardinals abide by it. They get home by curfew every night. They're so pleasant, always praying and forgiving sins-"
"But I'm not a Cardinal-"
"Not with that attitude Mister!" scolded Pope Paulus. "The Cardinals certainly don't go around with Greek hussies-"
"Helen of Troy is not a Greek hussie!"
"Well would it kill her to be Jewish at least!"
"I'm not having this conversation," said the confused Massimo.
"Look Massimo," said the Pope calmly. "I'm getting old. I think it's time you settled down and I had some grand-angels. I hear that in heaven, some of Noah's nieces are available. And they're also Jewish..."
"Uhhh! Forget it! Those chicks actually predate agriculture" said the annoyed angel. "Can we just talk about the affairs of state for once? Please."
"Fine," he said disappointedly. "But you're killing me, you know! I gave birth to you Massimo, the least you could do is show your poor Jewish mother some respect!"
"Number one, you're not my mother. Number two, the Pope is supposed to be Catholic, not Jewish. Number three, the Pope is supposed to be a man, not a woman. Number four, the Pope is not supposed to be a Jewish woman!"
"Is this how I raised my only son!?" the Jewish female Pope gasped. "If you're father was alive today-"
"Getting to the affairs of the state!" said Massimo loudly. "Since the Turks are one the run in Southeastern Europe, I propose we attack them. Operation Bloody Murder of the Turks will-"
"Bloody Murder of the Turks? Feh, what kind of a name is that. You want to embarass me in front of my friends with that gory stuff, don't you?"
"Fine, I'll call it Operation Danube Star. What I plan is that we-"
"Danube Star? I don't even know what that is! You're not trying very hard at this naming stuff, Massimo. That's what was wrong with you're father. You know he wanted to name our pet cat Mr. Cat! That's a horrible name-"
"Look ma! I mean Pope Ma! I mean Pope!" said Massimo to the first female Jewish Pope. "How about Operation Europe Liberty?"
"Operation Europe Liberty! That's an even worse name! No one will be afraid of that!"
"Name it whatever you want! Just send troops to invade the Ottomans, please! I have arranged for military access from Venice so that we can reach the Ottoman forces. It is imperative that we drive the Turks out of Europe!"
So it was that in 1470 that Massimo and his Jewish mother, Pope Paulus II (actually named Paulina) decided to attack the Turks in Southeastern Europe, so that the heathens would be driven out of the continent. After much conversation on the name, the Pope decided to call it Operation Turkish Corpse, and have the main attack launched from Venetian-held Ragusa into Ottoman-held Albania. However, when Mantua did not join in the war, Pope Paulus II (actually named Paulina) chose to make peace with the Turks and attack Mantua. By the end of her reign, Papal troops would be besieging Mantua, and Massimo would continue to date the Greek hussie, Helen of Troy.
Heaven, 1471
In the eternal glory of heaven...
Massimo now finds himself in front of the gates of heaven, waiting to see God.
"Well if it isn't the Pope's babysitter," smirked a familiar voice.
"Ernesto!" said Massimo. "I'd expect you to be torturing little children-"
"I'm here to see God!" Ernesto said.
"Well so am I."
"Well I'm here for a 5 o'clock appointment."
"But so am I-"
"Mr. God will see you see now," smiled Saint Peter behind his desk.
Massimo and Ernesto opened up the gates of heaven into God's office. God was casually sitting at a board room table with a man and a woman at either sides of him.
"Gentleman sit down," said God in a powerful, yet professional voice.
Massimo and Ernesto both sat down in chairs at the board room table.
"Now, I've both been reviewing your performances," God began. "Massimo, you were sent to guide the Papal States on the path of righteousness and to guide other Christian rulers for 400 years. Now Ernesto, I sent you to guide Spain for a seven-year timespan. So I'm going to compare both of your accomplishments within the last seven years."
Massimo and Ernesto began to shift in their seats.
"First why don't we see Ernesto's performance. Saint Helen on my left has reported that you were able to successfully drive the Moors out of Spain. So you'd say you did pretty good?"
"Yes I would, God," smiled Ernesto.
"That's Mr. God to you. Now, Moses to the right of me here has been following Massimo's performance. In the span of seven years you managed to come up with a plan to push the Turks out of Europe. Why don't you tell me about that plan?"
"Well, using a casus belli the Papal States got when the Turks were attacking countries in Southeastern Europe, I suggested to Pope Paulus the Second that we attack the Ottoman Empire. So we began Operation Turkish Corpse"
"Very good!" smiled 'Mr. God'. "But can you just tell me why Operation Turkish Corpse ended with Papal troops besieging Mantua!?!?"
"Well Mantua dishonoured our alliance, so we made a white peace with the Turks and invaded Mantua-"
"Look, Massimo!" said an angry 'Mr. God'. "I've had enough of your excuses-"
"Mr. God, no! Donald Trump and The Apprentince could sue you for millions if you say another copyrighted line-"
"YOUR'RE FIRED!"
"Wait a second, that means I don't have to put up with annoying and confusing Popes anymore! I'm Free!" cheered Massimo happily.
"No, it means that for one week you will have to clean out the Papal States' stables. Then you will resume your normal duties and I will end this horribly-portrayed Apprentice parody," said 'Mr. God'.
"I guess if I clean the stables or tend to the matters of state for another Pope for a week, it's just the same shi-"
"MASSIMO!"
Donald Trump, who is currently flooding heaven with thousands of legal paperwork for copyright infringement.
So it was that in 1471, Pope Paulus II was replaced by the new Pope Sixtus IV. The question remained whether the new Patriarch of Rome would take the city of Mantua and annex it like the former Popes, or if he would truly walk the path of righteousness.
Final Rank: 9th place
Massimo, the guardian angel of the Papal States, once again finds himself in the Vatican, ready to bend over backwards to accomodate the every whim of the Popes. He now arrives in a very ornate room, where Pope Paulus the Second is restlessly awaiting him.
"Greetings Pope Paulus the Second," said Massimo the angel to the Pope.
"Greetings? Feh, where have you been Massimo!" said Pope Paulus in an angry and concerned voice. "You were gone all night long!"
"I was out..." said Massimo, shifting his eyes.
"Out where?!" he said sternly.
"Just out, OK!"
"I see," said the Pope. "Who was with you?"
"Look, just back off Paulus!" said Massimo defiantly.
"That's Mom to you!" boomed Paulus.
Massimo shot him a confused look.
"Enough mishigosh! You can't even respect you're own Jewish mother!" said Pope Paulus, who was actually a Jewish mother. "Why do I set a curfew in the Vatican if you don't obey it!"
"Excuse me..."
"All the Cardinals abide by it. They get home by curfew every night. They're so pleasant, always praying and forgiving sins-"
"But I'm not a Cardinal-"
"Not with that attitude Mister!" scolded Pope Paulus. "The Cardinals certainly don't go around with Greek hussies-"
"Helen of Troy is not a Greek hussie!"
"Well would it kill her to be Jewish at least!"
"I'm not having this conversation," said the confused Massimo.
"Look Massimo," said the Pope calmly. "I'm getting old. I think it's time you settled down and I had some grand-angels. I hear that in heaven, some of Noah's nieces are available. And they're also Jewish..."
"Uhhh! Forget it! Those chicks actually predate agriculture" said the annoyed angel. "Can we just talk about the affairs of state for once? Please."
"Fine," he said disappointedly. "But you're killing me, you know! I gave birth to you Massimo, the least you could do is show your poor Jewish mother some respect!"
"Number one, you're not my mother. Number two, the Pope is supposed to be Catholic, not Jewish. Number three, the Pope is supposed to be a man, not a woman. Number four, the Pope is not supposed to be a Jewish woman!"
"Is this how I raised my only son!?" the Jewish female Pope gasped. "If you're father was alive today-"
"Getting to the affairs of the state!" said Massimo loudly. "Since the Turks are one the run in Southeastern Europe, I propose we attack them. Operation Bloody Murder of the Turks will-"
"Bloody Murder of the Turks? Feh, what kind of a name is that. You want to embarass me in front of my friends with that gory stuff, don't you?"
"Fine, I'll call it Operation Danube Star. What I plan is that we-"
"Danube Star? I don't even know what that is! You're not trying very hard at this naming stuff, Massimo. That's what was wrong with you're father. You know he wanted to name our pet cat Mr. Cat! That's a horrible name-"
"Look ma! I mean Pope Ma! I mean Pope!" said Massimo to the first female Jewish Pope. "How about Operation Europe Liberty?"
"Operation Europe Liberty! That's an even worse name! No one will be afraid of that!"
"Name it whatever you want! Just send troops to invade the Ottomans, please! I have arranged for military access from Venice so that we can reach the Ottoman forces. It is imperative that we drive the Turks out of Europe!"
So it was that in 1470 that Massimo and his Jewish mother, Pope Paulus II (actually named Paulina) decided to attack the Turks in Southeastern Europe, so that the heathens would be driven out of the continent. After much conversation on the name, the Pope decided to call it Operation Turkish Corpse, and have the main attack launched from Venetian-held Ragusa into Ottoman-held Albania. However, when Mantua did not join in the war, Pope Paulus II (actually named Paulina) chose to make peace with the Turks and attack Mantua. By the end of her reign, Papal troops would be besieging Mantua, and Massimo would continue to date the Greek hussie, Helen of Troy.
Heaven, 1471
In the eternal glory of heaven...
Massimo now finds himself in front of the gates of heaven, waiting to see God.
"Well if it isn't the Pope's babysitter," smirked a familiar voice.
"Ernesto!" said Massimo. "I'd expect you to be torturing little children-"
"I'm here to see God!" Ernesto said.
"Well so am I."
"Well I'm here for a 5 o'clock appointment."
"But so am I-"
"Mr. God will see you see now," smiled Saint Peter behind his desk.
Massimo and Ernesto opened up the gates of heaven into God's office. God was casually sitting at a board room table with a man and a woman at either sides of him.
"Gentleman sit down," said God in a powerful, yet professional voice.
Massimo and Ernesto both sat down in chairs at the board room table.
"Now, I've both been reviewing your performances," God began. "Massimo, you were sent to guide the Papal States on the path of righteousness and to guide other Christian rulers for 400 years. Now Ernesto, I sent you to guide Spain for a seven-year timespan. So I'm going to compare both of your accomplishments within the last seven years."
Massimo and Ernesto began to shift in their seats.
"First why don't we see Ernesto's performance. Saint Helen on my left has reported that you were able to successfully drive the Moors out of Spain. So you'd say you did pretty good?"
"Yes I would, God," smiled Ernesto.
"That's Mr. God to you. Now, Moses to the right of me here has been following Massimo's performance. In the span of seven years you managed to come up with a plan to push the Turks out of Europe. Why don't you tell me about that plan?"
"Well, using a casus belli the Papal States got when the Turks were attacking countries in Southeastern Europe, I suggested to Pope Paulus the Second that we attack the Ottoman Empire. So we began Operation Turkish Corpse"
"Very good!" smiled 'Mr. God'. "But can you just tell me why Operation Turkish Corpse ended with Papal troops besieging Mantua!?!?"
"Well Mantua dishonoured our alliance, so we made a white peace with the Turks and invaded Mantua-"
"Look, Massimo!" said an angry 'Mr. God'. "I've had enough of your excuses-"
"Mr. God, no! Donald Trump and The Apprentince could sue you for millions if you say another copyrighted line-"
"YOUR'RE FIRED!"
"Wait a second, that means I don't have to put up with annoying and confusing Popes anymore! I'm Free!" cheered Massimo happily.
"No, it means that for one week you will have to clean out the Papal States' stables. Then you will resume your normal duties and I will end this horribly-portrayed Apprentice parody," said 'Mr. God'.
"I guess if I clean the stables or tend to the matters of state for another Pope for a week, it's just the same shi-"
"MASSIMO!"
Donald Trump, who is currently flooding heaven with thousands of legal paperwork for copyright infringement.
So it was that in 1471, Pope Paulus II was replaced by the new Pope Sixtus IV. The question remained whether the new Patriarch of Rome would take the city of Mantua and annex it like the former Popes, or if he would truly walk the path of righteousness.
Final Rank: 9th place
Oy Vey...where is this going this time, I wonder?
_Arcadian_, I must admit, I have started reading your updates out loud, just to get the right voice. This last was inspired! A bit cut-throught with your Mantuan move, but completely understandable.
I can only wonder where we will go next to recruit Popes! :rofl:
_Arcadian_, I must admit, I have started reading your updates out loud, just to get the right voice. This last was inspired! A bit cut-throught with your Mantuan move, but completely understandable.
I can only wonder where we will go next to recruit Popes! :rofl:
I agree with coz1 - the real question is, what sort of crazy identity will the next pope turn out to have? I've no doubt that the "infidels" of Mantua will pay for their infidelity!
Hey, I've got over three centuries more of crazy popes. So don't bother even guessing what identity this next one has, because there's literally hundreds of selections. Like with my English AAR's BBC News, I find the Popes are becoming less concerned with state affairs and more interested in other matters... all the better.
Like with my English AAR's BBC News, I find the Popes are becoming less concerned with state affairs and more interested in other matters... all the better.
BUMP! After a very long period of absence from this AAR (school getting too extrene, new computer, then out of the country for a long part of the summer), I've decided I can finally continue writing. Hopefully before the week is finally finished.
Arcadian, good to hear from you again. Look forward to seeing this picked up again. Can you remember all the accents?
Milan, 1474
Massimo now appears in a magnificent castle on the outskirts of the great Italian city of Milan, ready to speak once again with Pope Sixtus the Fourth.
"Ah, busy filing some paperwork, Pope Sixtus the Fourth?" asked Massimo, the guardian angel of the Papal States.
"Indeed I am fair Massimo!" cheerily replied Pope Sixtus the Fourth. "Just one morrrrre smidgen of my signaturrrrre and... Quick now! Look outside the window, my heavenly companion!"
Massimo and Pope Sixtus quickly look outside the window of the Milanese castle.
The green hills began to dull in colour and faded into a dull shade of grey. The grey covered the Lombardian hills for a moment or two before finally vanishing and becoming the same green it was beforehand.
"A jolly good show, eh now Massimo!" chimed Pope Sixtus happily.
"What in the name of the generosity of Saint Nicholas was that!" said a confused Massimo.
"Don't spill yorrr porrrige on me, mistorrr grrrrumpiness!" Pope Sixtus scolded Massimo. "That is a phenomenon that occurs whhhheneva' one nation annexes anotha. I noticed it whhhhence I annexed Modena merely a few months ago... end scene!"
"What I've got it now!" exclaimed Massimo the angel. "Your accent resembles an English actor!"
"Oooh! Verrrry close, my supernatural assistant!"
"Wait, wait - You resemble an English actor from..."
"Yes! Frrrrrrrrom?"
"A Shakespearian play!" the angel exclaimed in triumph!
"Yes, by Good Queen Bess you've done it my boy!" cheered the Pope.
"Well since you overly pronounced your 'h's and rolled your 'r's and made those references to English monarchs it was all very quite... Wait just a minute here. Did you say you annexed Milan!?!?"
"And Modena, fair Hamlet," said Pope Sixtus the Fourth.
"What did I tell you the first time we met?" asked Massimo sternly. "What did I say about annexing Christian nations?"
"Oh, how hhhhhhoribly grievious! I'm afraid that I was ininforrrrrrmed about that agrrrrrrement."
"How? I told you several times! And each time you kept on nodding and saying 'uh-uh'."
"Ah, old companion of mine, Massimo! You see the problem was NOT laid in yourrrr own guidance, but in the beatuty of thine fair maiden with which you brrrrought to our last conversation..."
"Meaning?"
"Your girlfriend Helen of Troy was with you, and I got distracted by her huge-"
"That's enough information!" said Massimo stopping the Pope before the purity of his mind was invaded. "Well, I guess I can forgive that in the spirit of ignorance... But don't let it happen again. Yesterday, the guardian angel of Mantua spat on me!"
"I thought the Papal States annexed Mantua yearrrrrs ago, fair Juliet?"
"Yes, that's why," he nodded. "And don't call me Juliet! Couldn't you think of another Shakespearian character, like perhaps Mercutio or MacBeth-"
"Uh, do not even mention the name of that vile Scotsman!" spat Pope Sixtus. "Shakespeare's only only mistake was that his eloquant writing was tainted by the brrrrood of the Scottish barbarians in his epics!"
"Gotcha, you hate Scots," nodded Massimo. "So are we agreed on no more wars against fellow Christians?"
"Certainly. Just after we deal with Aragon. After all, it was their their declarrrration of war that lead to our conflicts with the Milanese and Florentines-"
"They declared war on us? Well, then try and get a white peace with them. Perhaps they will learn the error of their ways once we trounce their fleets in the Mediterranean and they beg us not to take their holdings."
"Ah, I was neverrrrr one to back out of a fight!" grinned the Pope.
So it was that in 1474 that the Papal States annexed Modena and Milan after they chose to side with the Aragonese in their vicious war against the Holy See. The Modenese and Milanese received precisely what they deserved and they served as a lesson to other kingdoms; do not underestimate those who serve God. The duke of Auvergne and the Elector of Saxony chose wisely and dishonoured their alliances with Aragon and dared not strike their lances against the Vatican's forces. Eventually a white peace was concluded with Aragon after the Papal fleets and their Genovese allies smashed Aragon in open waters. To reign in the new era of prosperity and peace, Pope Sixtus IV built a refinery, so that more wine would happily flow across the Italian peninsula.
Rome, August 1484
Massimo now finds himself in a quiet Vatican garden, listening to a sobbing Pope Sixtus the Fourth.
"What's the matter, Pope Sixtus the Fourth?" asked Massimo the guardian angel.
"Well it appearrrrs as though the nobles have sided with a forrrreign power!" sobbed the Pope.
"Oh?"
The Pope nodded, while still weeping. "The Tuneeeesians!"
"Is that what has you worked up, Pope Sixtus?"
"No, that's NOT it, Massimo!" he cried. "I declared war on them and their Algerrrrrrian allies!"
"And you feel guilty? Well so long as you can teach them Christianity-"
"No! That's NOT it EITHER!" he weeped. "The Austrians sensed our weakness to the south and declared warrrrrr on us without a casus belli!"
"Those greedy Germans!" said the angel angrilly. "Do not feel at fault, Pope Sixtus, declaring war in the midst of your crusade into Africa is a completely vile thing to do -"
"Well," he sniffed. "That's the half of it."
"Half?" said a puzzled Massimo. "What's the other half?"
"Well, the Austrians sort of broke their rrrrroyal marriage to the Papal States in doing so."
"A royal marriage?" inquired Massimo. "Who in the Vatican married a Hapsburg? And why did they sacrifice this marital union in the name of their war?"
"Well it seemed as though our Papal suitor mistook his German wife forrrrr a man one evening-"
"Mistook his wife for a man!"
"Well, German women can get quite larrrrrrge and muscular, and they don't shave and have a lot of hairrrrr to keep warm in those big German mountains-"
"E-hem! Pope?"
"I'm sorry, I marrrrried her because she looked so splendid in her paintings," the Pope muttered. "But you know how they say paintings add ten pounds - More like they make women seem ten pounds lighter and much less harrrrier-"
"You married someone and broke your vow of celibacy!" said a furious Massimo.
"Et tu, Brutus? Scold me all you desireth! For I have consumed a vile. A vile of poison! A currrrrrsed vile of poison!" the Pope weeped. "For if my poor wife Grettenschrrrrrrrrrrrrraken will not forgive my foolish eyesight one evening and her wrrrrretched kin in Austria will bear arms against the lands of the Holy See then I deserveth to DIE this death! Massimo, my friend, I bid you... adieu!"
So it was that soon after the Austrians and their Bavarian allies declared war on the Papal States in August of 1484, that Pope Sixtus IV died of consuming poison because his wife Grettenshraken chose to leave him after he mistook her for a man one night. Austrian armies now stood outside of Milan, besieging the city and trying to break the Papacy's hold on Northern Italy. Algerian armies landed in Florence and a Papal attack to remove them from the peninsula began. And to the south of Rome, off the coast of Naples, the Papal Fleet lay embroiled in a fierce fight with the Algerian Fleet. The new Pope Innocentius VIII needed a miracle.
Final Rank: 8th Place
Massimo now appears in a magnificent castle on the outskirts of the great Italian city of Milan, ready to speak once again with Pope Sixtus the Fourth.
"Ah, busy filing some paperwork, Pope Sixtus the Fourth?" asked Massimo, the guardian angel of the Papal States.
"Indeed I am fair Massimo!" cheerily replied Pope Sixtus the Fourth. "Just one morrrrre smidgen of my signaturrrrre and... Quick now! Look outside the window, my heavenly companion!"
Massimo and Pope Sixtus quickly look outside the window of the Milanese castle.
The green hills began to dull in colour and faded into a dull shade of grey. The grey covered the Lombardian hills for a moment or two before finally vanishing and becoming the same green it was beforehand.
"A jolly good show, eh now Massimo!" chimed Pope Sixtus happily.
"What in the name of the generosity of Saint Nicholas was that!" said a confused Massimo.
"Don't spill yorrr porrrige on me, mistorrr grrrrumpiness!" Pope Sixtus scolded Massimo. "That is a phenomenon that occurs whhhheneva' one nation annexes anotha. I noticed it whhhhence I annexed Modena merely a few months ago... end scene!"
"What I've got it now!" exclaimed Massimo the angel. "Your accent resembles an English actor!"
"Oooh! Verrrry close, my supernatural assistant!"
"Wait, wait - You resemble an English actor from..."
"Yes! Frrrrrrrrom?"
"A Shakespearian play!" the angel exclaimed in triumph!
"Yes, by Good Queen Bess you've done it my boy!" cheered the Pope.
"Well since you overly pronounced your 'h's and rolled your 'r's and made those references to English monarchs it was all very quite... Wait just a minute here. Did you say you annexed Milan!?!?"
"And Modena, fair Hamlet," said Pope Sixtus the Fourth.
"What did I tell you the first time we met?" asked Massimo sternly. "What did I say about annexing Christian nations?"
"Oh, how hhhhhhoribly grievious! I'm afraid that I was ininforrrrrrmed about that agrrrrrrement."
"How? I told you several times! And each time you kept on nodding and saying 'uh-uh'."
"Ah, old companion of mine, Massimo! You see the problem was NOT laid in yourrrr own guidance, but in the beatuty of thine fair maiden with which you brrrrought to our last conversation..."
"Meaning?"
"Your girlfriend Helen of Troy was with you, and I got distracted by her huge-"
"That's enough information!" said Massimo stopping the Pope before the purity of his mind was invaded. "Well, I guess I can forgive that in the spirit of ignorance... But don't let it happen again. Yesterday, the guardian angel of Mantua spat on me!"
"I thought the Papal States annexed Mantua yearrrrrs ago, fair Juliet?"
"Yes, that's why," he nodded. "And don't call me Juliet! Couldn't you think of another Shakespearian character, like perhaps Mercutio or MacBeth-"
"Uh, do not even mention the name of that vile Scotsman!" spat Pope Sixtus. "Shakespeare's only only mistake was that his eloquant writing was tainted by the brrrrood of the Scottish barbarians in his epics!"
"Gotcha, you hate Scots," nodded Massimo. "So are we agreed on no more wars against fellow Christians?"
"Certainly. Just after we deal with Aragon. After all, it was their their declarrrration of war that lead to our conflicts with the Milanese and Florentines-"
"They declared war on us? Well, then try and get a white peace with them. Perhaps they will learn the error of their ways once we trounce their fleets in the Mediterranean and they beg us not to take their holdings."
"Ah, I was neverrrrr one to back out of a fight!" grinned the Pope.
So it was that in 1474 that the Papal States annexed Modena and Milan after they chose to side with the Aragonese in their vicious war against the Holy See. The Modenese and Milanese received precisely what they deserved and they served as a lesson to other kingdoms; do not underestimate those who serve God. The duke of Auvergne and the Elector of Saxony chose wisely and dishonoured their alliances with Aragon and dared not strike their lances against the Vatican's forces. Eventually a white peace was concluded with Aragon after the Papal fleets and their Genovese allies smashed Aragon in open waters. To reign in the new era of prosperity and peace, Pope Sixtus IV built a refinery, so that more wine would happily flow across the Italian peninsula.
Rome, August 1484
Massimo now finds himself in a quiet Vatican garden, listening to a sobbing Pope Sixtus the Fourth.
"What's the matter, Pope Sixtus the Fourth?" asked Massimo the guardian angel.
"Well it appearrrrs as though the nobles have sided with a forrrreign power!" sobbed the Pope.
"Oh?"
The Pope nodded, while still weeping. "The Tuneeeesians!"
"Is that what has you worked up, Pope Sixtus?"
"No, that's NOT it, Massimo!" he cried. "I declared war on them and their Algerrrrrrian allies!"
"And you feel guilty? Well so long as you can teach them Christianity-"
"No! That's NOT it EITHER!" he weeped. "The Austrians sensed our weakness to the south and declared warrrrrr on us without a casus belli!"
"Those greedy Germans!" said the angel angrilly. "Do not feel at fault, Pope Sixtus, declaring war in the midst of your crusade into Africa is a completely vile thing to do -"
"Well," he sniffed. "That's the half of it."
"Half?" said a puzzled Massimo. "What's the other half?"
"Well, the Austrians sort of broke their rrrrroyal marriage to the Papal States in doing so."
"A royal marriage?" inquired Massimo. "Who in the Vatican married a Hapsburg? And why did they sacrifice this marital union in the name of their war?"
"Well it seemed as though our Papal suitor mistook his German wife forrrrr a man one evening-"
"Mistook his wife for a man!"
"Well, German women can get quite larrrrrrge and muscular, and they don't shave and have a lot of hairrrrr to keep warm in those big German mountains-"
"E-hem! Pope?"
"I'm sorry, I marrrrried her because she looked so splendid in her paintings," the Pope muttered. "But you know how they say paintings add ten pounds - More like they make women seem ten pounds lighter and much less harrrrier-"
"You married someone and broke your vow of celibacy!" said a furious Massimo.
"Et tu, Brutus? Scold me all you desireth! For I have consumed a vile. A vile of poison! A currrrrrsed vile of poison!" the Pope weeped. "For if my poor wife Grettenschrrrrrrrrrrrrraken will not forgive my foolish eyesight one evening and her wrrrrretched kin in Austria will bear arms against the lands of the Holy See then I deserveth to DIE this death! Massimo, my friend, I bid you... adieu!"
So it was that soon after the Austrians and their Bavarian allies declared war on the Papal States in August of 1484, that Pope Sixtus IV died of consuming poison because his wife Grettenshraken chose to leave him after he mistook her for a man one night. Austrian armies now stood outside of Milan, besieging the city and trying to break the Papacy's hold on Northern Italy. Algerian armies landed in Florence and a Papal attack to remove them from the peninsula began. And to the south of Rome, off the coast of Naples, the Papal Fleet lay embroiled in a fierce fight with the Algerian Fleet. The new Pope Innocentius VIII needed a miracle.
Final Rank: 8th Place
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Sir, I must tell you that this AAR was the reason I joined the forum, and is by far my favorite tale about. Also nice to see it going again.
Also nice to see it going again.
Coz1, Xico, Van Engel - Thanks for all the positive feedback. Glad some people still remember this AAR.
Update within hours.
Update within hours.
Rome, 1484
Massimo now appears in the Vatican to greet the new Pope Innocentius the Eighth in his great time of need. Enemy armies were attacking the cities of the Holy See and heathen fleets fought viciously against the Papal Fleet.
"Vicar of Christ, Patriarch of Rome, Pope Innocentius the Eighth, I bring you aide from heaven!" said Massimo in a heavenly baratone, his wings and illuminated by his divine aura. "I am Massimo, a guardian angel sent here by God to guide the Papal States on the true path of righteousness!"
"No! Da light! Aaaah! Stop all zee light!" exclaimed the frightened Pope Innocentius in horror.
Massimo dimmed the light caused by his divinity. "Huh? What's the problem here?"
"Naaazing. Nazing at oll. I am vine! Vat? Vat is the problem vis you?" said the Pope accusingly.
"I have no problem at all, your Holiness," said Massimo honestly. "I was just concerned from your fear of the light."
"Ah, yes! Da light bothers me much, Mazzemo," he replied. "I zappose it is my vault-"
"Vault?"
"Vault! Vault!"
"Stop yelling vault!" yelled Massimo.
"I'm not yelling vault, I'm yelling vault!" yelled the Pope.
"You're yelling the same word!"
"No, I'm not! Not V-A-U-L-T vault! F-A-U-L-T vault!" yelled the Pope exhaustedly.
"Oh, you mean fault? I gotcha now!" laughed Massimo. "What's your fault?"
"Da vear of da light!" yelled the Pope angrilly. He sighed. "Well, it's not so much a vear of da light as it is a vear of All That Is Pure and Good!"
Thunder boomed in the background appropriately.
"Ven I vas I young boy growing up een Italy, I alvays loved to go on joornees vis my fadder on hees merchant sheep-"
"Okay, I'm sorry, is this going to be a long story," sighed the guardian angel. "Because this one time in heaven King David was trying to explain to me about his affair with Bethsheba, and when the story was over he had ended up retelling the entire Old Testament! Was that ever boring or what? When it was all over, I looked at a map of Europe and the Western Roman Empire had completely disappea-"
"Let me finish da story!" the Pope boomed, as there was another crack of thunder in the background. "A-hem. So vonce when he took me on a joornee to Inkland-"
"Come again?"
"Inkland."
"Sorry?"
"E-N-G-L-A-N-D Inkland!" yelled Pope Innocentius. He sighed again. "So, den vee vent to purchase the da vares from da local merchants dare. I remember seeing a brightly coloured box vull of a shoogary grain product vrom da vheat vields of America. I became hoooked on it immeeediately! I ate hundreds of boxes! Dare vas no zuch zing as too much! And woe is me, vor you are vhat you eat... I now curse zat General Mills and his addictive American product!"
"Which was?"
"Count Chocula!" he exclaimed.
More thunder boomed in the distant background.
"Um, okay... and then you later on became the Pope?" said Massimo, while the Pope nodded. "So tell me then, why is it that you so readily believed I was the Papal State's guardian angel?"
"A vampire can trooly tell ven an angel is around!"
"Really?" said Massimo intriguingly.
"No, that's not true. I just vanted to impress you. I'm not vreally a vampire, I'm just a regular chock-late vampire. I figured you vere the angel vrom da tabloids-"
"Vat tabloids! I mean what tabloids!"
"Here," said the chocolate vampire Pope, handing Massimo a seedy Roman tabloid.
Massimo looked at the cover in shock. A picture of him making out with Helen of Troy in front of the Vatican with the title: Angel and Ancient Vixen Get Voxy in Vatican!
"I'm sure God vould get mad at you being caught on camera! Ah-ah-ah! Dose vloody pappara-Aaaah-azzi can get anyding on camera," said the Pope. "Frankly, I'm zurprised angels can be zeen on vilm."
"Well, it's not like I'm a vampire..."
"Ain't that the truth!" nodded Innocentius the Eighth.
"Well, anyways we best get to the matter of the extremely urgent war with Austria and the Barbary States-"
"Please, Mazzimo, don't give me dee-dee tails now!" he pleaded. "Just let de narrator handle it!"
So it was that in 1484 that Massimo the guardian angel and Pope Innocentius VIII the chocolate vampire first met and discussed matters that had nothing to do with the affairs of state of the Papal States. So I, our poor overworked narrator, was stuck with the task of defeating the Holy See's most devious of enemies. Easier said then done. The Papal armies managed to remove the Algerian armies from Emilia, and - reinforced with new recruits - manged to advance onto Lombardia and defeat the Austrians. Pushing the routing Austrians back into the Alps, the Papal States settled peace with Austria for a small fee. Then, after repeated naval victories by the Papal Fleet against Algeria, another peace was settled with the Emir of Algeria for a small sum of money. Man, I do NOT get paid enough for this job!
Fez, February 1490
Massimo now finds himself in the former residence of the Emir of Morocco. The palace seemed seemed somwhat unattractive, compared to all the lavish Vatican residences and Italian castles he'd become accustomed to.
"Greetings, Pope Innocentius the Eighth!" said Massimo, trying to seem heavenly, despite the fact that the palace smelled of donkey urine.
"Ah-Ah! Mazzimo, how vondervul dat you've decided to aide me vinally," he smiled.
"Well, it's my job," smiled the angel.
"Vould your visit ha-Ah-Ah-appen to coincide vis our recent era of peace?" said the Pope questioningly.
"No!" chuckled Massimo. "Just came to congradulate our recent efforts in finally annexing a heathen nation!"
Our efforts? You mean MY efforts!
"What was that?" asked Massimo confusedly.
ME! The narrator! I concluded peace with the Austrians and Algerians, and I defeated them in battle and paid them off. I was the one who invaded Fez after the Moroccans allied with Tunis, and I was the one who annexed them! And I am responsible for the new white peace with Tunisia! YOU just decided to come along here now and take credit for all of MY hard work! You sicken me... But I suppose in the spirit of forgiveness, I can - errr - forgive you! If you'll just agree that we call it even?
"Suuuuure," said Massimo slowly, still reeling from the fact that the narrator was an actual person and not some sort of omniscient entity that recorded the Papal State's history.
"Vell Mazzimo, I've lurned someding from da Moroccans," said the Pope breaking the ice. Apparently talking narrators were no more out-of-place to him than a chocolate vampire Pope. "Da nobles of dese lands unjustly own hundreds of slaves of voreign creeeds and lord over dare commoners who have little to no vealth! I have envisioned a commonwealth of me-ehhhh-ny peoples, united vy religion, vith no nobility to lord over dem, and vreligious lee-doors to coun-zool dem. Mazzimo, please make my dieing vish a reality."
"Your dieing?" asked Massimo skeptically.
"Slowly," he nodded. "You see vee chocolate vampires have vut vun veekness! And I accidentally consoomed some of it! Ah-Ah-Ah!"
"Garlic?"
"I'm a chocolate vampire."
"Chocolate garlic?" guessed the angel.
"No, no, no," sighed Innocentius the Eighth. "Chocolate is like blood to chocolate vampires. Vee drive on chocolate, not get veeker vy it!"
"You drive on chocolate?" repeated Massimo. "I'd rathar eat it than drive on it!"
"I'm not having dis conversation again," he sighed. "T-H-R-I-"
"Oh, thrive! Gotcha!"
"Our von veekness is vrocoli!" said the Pope.
"Brocoli the healthiest vegetable?" said the skeptical angel.
"Brocoli the deadliest vegetable!" he replied.
More thunder in the background adding the deadly affect of brocoli on chocolate vampires.
"And I am avraid that it has veekened me so much dat it vill seal my fate in a few short years..." he sighed. "So Mazzimo, promise me to make my veesion a reality after I die?"
"I will, Pope Innocentius," Massimo nodded. "And I will call it Innocenteism, a doctrine that will guide the Vatican for centuries to come."
"Dankyou, Mazzimo. Oh, and remember dat vhite peace vith Tunisia dat the narrator made?" The Pope asked, while the angel nodded. "Well, it appears that some of dose seedy Roman tabloids that veatured you and Helen of Troy found dare way onto dee streets of Tunis, vhere dey vreally vound her attracteev... and vell, in exchange for peace dee narrator gave them Helen-"
"WHAT!?!?"
So it was that in 1490, that I agreed to give the Emir of Tunisia the attractive Helen of Troy as a gift to end our pointless war. Pope Innocentius VIII, the rat who squealed on me to the lazy guardian angel Massimo, outlined his plan for Innocenteism and died on July 28th, 1492. It should be very amusing to see Massimo and the new Pope Alexander VI run the Papal States now that my amazing skills are once again limited to narration. As for Helen, I hear she got she got kidnapped by bandits and is now the two hundred seventy-fourth wife of the Sultan of Songhai. Luckily for me, I managed to make him call it even, so my conscious is clear as well.
Final Rank: 7th Place
Massimo now appears in the Vatican to greet the new Pope Innocentius the Eighth in his great time of need. Enemy armies were attacking the cities of the Holy See and heathen fleets fought viciously against the Papal Fleet.
"Vicar of Christ, Patriarch of Rome, Pope Innocentius the Eighth, I bring you aide from heaven!" said Massimo in a heavenly baratone, his wings and illuminated by his divine aura. "I am Massimo, a guardian angel sent here by God to guide the Papal States on the true path of righteousness!"
"No! Da light! Aaaah! Stop all zee light!" exclaimed the frightened Pope Innocentius in horror.
Massimo dimmed the light caused by his divinity. "Huh? What's the problem here?"
"Naaazing. Nazing at oll. I am vine! Vat? Vat is the problem vis you?" said the Pope accusingly.
"I have no problem at all, your Holiness," said Massimo honestly. "I was just concerned from your fear of the light."
"Ah, yes! Da light bothers me much, Mazzemo," he replied. "I zappose it is my vault-"
"Vault?"
"Vault! Vault!"
"Stop yelling vault!" yelled Massimo.
"I'm not yelling vault, I'm yelling vault!" yelled the Pope.
"You're yelling the same word!"
"No, I'm not! Not V-A-U-L-T vault! F-A-U-L-T vault!" yelled the Pope exhaustedly.
"Oh, you mean fault? I gotcha now!" laughed Massimo. "What's your fault?"
"Da vear of da light!" yelled the Pope angrilly. He sighed. "Well, it's not so much a vear of da light as it is a vear of All That Is Pure and Good!"
Thunder boomed in the background appropriately.
"Ven I vas I young boy growing up een Italy, I alvays loved to go on joornees vis my fadder on hees merchant sheep-"
"Okay, I'm sorry, is this going to be a long story," sighed the guardian angel. "Because this one time in heaven King David was trying to explain to me about his affair with Bethsheba, and when the story was over he had ended up retelling the entire Old Testament! Was that ever boring or what? When it was all over, I looked at a map of Europe and the Western Roman Empire had completely disappea-"
"Let me finish da story!" the Pope boomed, as there was another crack of thunder in the background. "A-hem. So vonce when he took me on a joornee to Inkland-"
"Come again?"
"Inkland."
"Sorry?"
"E-N-G-L-A-N-D Inkland!" yelled Pope Innocentius. He sighed again. "So, den vee vent to purchase the da vares from da local merchants dare. I remember seeing a brightly coloured box vull of a shoogary grain product vrom da vheat vields of America. I became hoooked on it immeeediately! I ate hundreds of boxes! Dare vas no zuch zing as too much! And woe is me, vor you are vhat you eat... I now curse zat General Mills and his addictive American product!"
"Which was?"
"Count Chocula!" he exclaimed.
More thunder boomed in the distant background.
"Um, okay... and then you later on became the Pope?" said Massimo, while the Pope nodded. "So tell me then, why is it that you so readily believed I was the Papal State's guardian angel?"
"A vampire can trooly tell ven an angel is around!"
"Really?" said Massimo intriguingly.
"No, that's not true. I just vanted to impress you. I'm not vreally a vampire, I'm just a regular chock-late vampire. I figured you vere the angel vrom da tabloids-"
"Vat tabloids! I mean what tabloids!"
"Here," said the chocolate vampire Pope, handing Massimo a seedy Roman tabloid.
Massimo looked at the cover in shock. A picture of him making out with Helen of Troy in front of the Vatican with the title: Angel and Ancient Vixen Get Voxy in Vatican!
"I'm sure God vould get mad at you being caught on camera! Ah-ah-ah! Dose vloody pappara-Aaaah-azzi can get anyding on camera," said the Pope. "Frankly, I'm zurprised angels can be zeen on vilm."
"Well, it's not like I'm a vampire..."
"Ain't that the truth!" nodded Innocentius the Eighth.
"Well, anyways we best get to the matter of the extremely urgent war with Austria and the Barbary States-"
"Please, Mazzimo, don't give me dee-dee tails now!" he pleaded. "Just let de narrator handle it!"
So it was that in 1484 that Massimo the guardian angel and Pope Innocentius VIII the chocolate vampire first met and discussed matters that had nothing to do with the affairs of state of the Papal States. So I, our poor overworked narrator, was stuck with the task of defeating the Holy See's most devious of enemies. Easier said then done. The Papal armies managed to remove the Algerian armies from Emilia, and - reinforced with new recruits - manged to advance onto Lombardia and defeat the Austrians. Pushing the routing Austrians back into the Alps, the Papal States settled peace with Austria for a small fee. Then, after repeated naval victories by the Papal Fleet against Algeria, another peace was settled with the Emir of Algeria for a small sum of money. Man, I do NOT get paid enough for this job!
Fez, February 1490
Massimo now finds himself in the former residence of the Emir of Morocco. The palace seemed seemed somwhat unattractive, compared to all the lavish Vatican residences and Italian castles he'd become accustomed to.
"Greetings, Pope Innocentius the Eighth!" said Massimo, trying to seem heavenly, despite the fact that the palace smelled of donkey urine.
"Ah-Ah! Mazzimo, how vondervul dat you've decided to aide me vinally," he smiled.
"Well, it's my job," smiled the angel.
"Vould your visit ha-Ah-Ah-appen to coincide vis our recent era of peace?" said the Pope questioningly.
"No!" chuckled Massimo. "Just came to congradulate our recent efforts in finally annexing a heathen nation!"
Our efforts? You mean MY efforts!
"What was that?" asked Massimo confusedly.
ME! The narrator! I concluded peace with the Austrians and Algerians, and I defeated them in battle and paid them off. I was the one who invaded Fez after the Moroccans allied with Tunis, and I was the one who annexed them! And I am responsible for the new white peace with Tunisia! YOU just decided to come along here now and take credit for all of MY hard work! You sicken me... But I suppose in the spirit of forgiveness, I can - errr - forgive you! If you'll just agree that we call it even?
"Suuuuure," said Massimo slowly, still reeling from the fact that the narrator was an actual person and not some sort of omniscient entity that recorded the Papal State's history.
"Vell Mazzimo, I've lurned someding from da Moroccans," said the Pope breaking the ice. Apparently talking narrators were no more out-of-place to him than a chocolate vampire Pope. "Da nobles of dese lands unjustly own hundreds of slaves of voreign creeeds and lord over dare commoners who have little to no vealth! I have envisioned a commonwealth of me-ehhhh-ny peoples, united vy religion, vith no nobility to lord over dem, and vreligious lee-doors to coun-zool dem. Mazzimo, please make my dieing vish a reality."
"Your dieing?" asked Massimo skeptically.
"Slowly," he nodded. "You see vee chocolate vampires have vut vun veekness! And I accidentally consoomed some of it! Ah-Ah-Ah!"
"Garlic?"
"I'm a chocolate vampire."
"Chocolate garlic?" guessed the angel.
"No, no, no," sighed Innocentius the Eighth. "Chocolate is like blood to chocolate vampires. Vee drive on chocolate, not get veeker vy it!"
"You drive on chocolate?" repeated Massimo. "I'd rathar eat it than drive on it!"
"I'm not having dis conversation again," he sighed. "T-H-R-I-"
"Oh, thrive! Gotcha!"
"Our von veekness is vrocoli!" said the Pope.
"Brocoli the healthiest vegetable?" said the skeptical angel.
"Brocoli the deadliest vegetable!" he replied.
More thunder in the background adding the deadly affect of brocoli on chocolate vampires.
"And I am avraid that it has veekened me so much dat it vill seal my fate in a few short years..." he sighed. "So Mazzimo, promise me to make my veesion a reality after I die?"
"I will, Pope Innocentius," Massimo nodded. "And I will call it Innocenteism, a doctrine that will guide the Vatican for centuries to come."
"Dankyou, Mazzimo. Oh, and remember dat vhite peace vith Tunisia dat the narrator made?" The Pope asked, while the angel nodded. "Well, it appears that some of dose seedy Roman tabloids that veatured you and Helen of Troy found dare way onto dee streets of Tunis, vhere dey vreally vound her attracteev... and vell, in exchange for peace dee narrator gave them Helen-"
"WHAT!?!?"
So it was that in 1490, that I agreed to give the Emir of Tunisia the attractive Helen of Troy as a gift to end our pointless war. Pope Innocentius VIII, the rat who squealed on me to the lazy guardian angel Massimo, outlined his plan for Innocenteism and died on July 28th, 1492. It should be very amusing to see Massimo and the new Pope Alexander VI run the Papal States now that my amazing skills are once again limited to narration. As for Helen, I hear she got she got kidnapped by bandits and is now the two hundred seventy-fourth wife of the Sultan of Songhai. Luckily for me, I managed to make him call it even, so my conscious is clear as well.
Final Rank: 7th Place
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Stop...stop...stop this narrative right now. This has become very silly, very silly indeed, and I'll not have any part of it. Now get on with the proper story.
Seriously, nice work both in game play and with the new Pope. I especially liked how you worked the narrator into it. And of course we remember. Now if only Maddy, Ollie and the gang can get the ball rolling over in England again...
Seriously, nice work both in game play and with the new Pope. I especially liked how you worked the narrator into it. And of course we remember. Now if only Maddy, Ollie and the gang can get the ball rolling over in England again...