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damn. the headphones' cable went into my dinner 
it's your fault, your and that funny AAR of yours. phew, makes me careless
it's your fault, your and that funny AAR of yours. phew, makes me careless
_Arcadian_ said:
Thats what I did, though truthfuly I only Managed to convert Tunis, I tried to get them some provinces, but they were damned stubborn about it, kept getting annexd by Algeris. So I damn nearly annex Algeris, then Morocco, then my savefile got corrupted or something, Did make it to the Holy Land and relased KoJ though. That was a good AAR, its in my sig! Look! NOW!
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haha brilliant as always and i must say, even Saint Luke gets on my nerves by just reading about him!
and i must say, even Saint Luke gets on my nerves by just reading about him! 
Veeeeery funny indeed, I felt stupid when i didnt get Selpan. Also, looks like Romes in some serious disrepair in your pictures .
.
<snort> I see not even the Vatican is immune to your Almighty humour.
Further comment is pretty superfluous except ... more!
Further comment is pretty superfluous except ... more!
Heaven, 1449
In the eneternal glory of heaven...
"Excuse me, I wish to speak to God," said Massimo the angel.
"Do you have an appointment?" grumbled the man at the gates of heaven.
"No, but it's a very important matter that I wish to-"
"You can only talk to God if you have an appointment," he sighed.
"But I have to guide the Popes of Rome to righteousness and the current Pope really wants to take take land from Aragon and-"
"Did you say the Popes of Rome?"
"Yes," nodded Massimo.
"Oh, so your the guy who has to help the Popes," he laughed. "I'm Saint Peter, gatekeeper of heaven, rock of the church."
"You!" shouted Massimo angrilly. "It's all your fault I have to babysit these crazy Popes!"
"Yeah, sorry 'bout that," said Saint Peter apologetically. "Hey, at least I heard that you guys got rid of that annoying Saint Luke. You should have seen him at Christmas when Jesus didn't invite him to his birthday party. He was all 'Why did you invite the other apostles Lord?' and 'Have I forsaken you?' That guy just doesn't take a hint-"
"A-hem," said Massimo clearing his throat. "Since I have to help the Popes, your successors, can you at least let me in to talk to God?"
"Sorry, Massimo," frowned Saint Peter. "But rules are rules. I guess you'll have to make the call on whether Pope Nicholaus the Fifth can take land from Aragon or not."
So in a disappointed state, Massimo decided to leave heaven and go back to earth. He would have to make the call whether Pope Nicholaus V could take land from another Christian nation like Aragon or not. Until that is he ran into an old chum of his...
"Hello, there Massimo," said another angel, grinning. "Long time no see."
Massimo turned around. "Oh, good to see you, too, Ernesto."
"Last time I heard you had to babysit the Popes for four hundred years," Ernesto laughed. "How's that been going for you?"
"Just fine, thankyou," said Massimo with gritted teeth.
"Hey, and tough break having to deal with a war against Aragon," he chuckled.
"I'm very confident that the Papal States will triumph in this conflict," said Massimo. "Those who declare war against the Holy See are not fit to be considered Christians."
"Oh, they declared war on you," he said. "Why I wonder why the King of Aragon would do such a dastardly thing. Perhaps a little birdie told him in a dream... or maybe an angel."
"You dirty rotten-"
"We're in heaven Massimo, so watch your tongue."
"Yes, we all know that the only reason why you're up is because the Underworld was overcrowded. Goodbye Ernesto!"
So Massimo went down to Napoli on January 30th 1455, where the Pope had just captured the last remaining province of Naples, an ally of Aragon. Massimo was now determined to guide the Papal States to true path of righteousness and victory, just to show his arch-nemesis the angel Ernesto off.
Napoli, May 1st 1449
Massimo now finds himself in a quaint Neapolitan villa, surrounded by a pristine Italian landscape, littered with crumbling manors, and the breezy Mediterranean Sea in the backdrop.
"Hello, Pope Nicholaus the Fifth?" asked Massimo the angel.
There was no response.
Massimo sighed. "Attention NichoTron Five Thousand! This is Massimoroth, ambassador from the Planet Heaven!"
"At ease, ambassador Massimoroth!" said Pope Nicholaus the Fifth, stepping from out of the next room. "What news to you bring from the One?"
"The One?"
"You know, The One. God?" said the Pope.
"Oh, yes. The One says that we may annex both the Kingdom of Selpan and the Evil Eastern Empire of the Planet Hispania."
"Really? Is the Star Fleet ready to attack-"
"Can we please talk normally?" whined Massimo.
"Fine," he sighed. "I was just trying to make the Holy See's government a little more Star Wars and a little less Bore Wars! Anyways, so God says we can annex Naples and take land from the Argonese?"
Massimo put on a fake smile. "Yes, we can annex Naples immediately. We can do it right now if you like!"
"But wouldn't that be taking the lands away from a good Christian king?" he asked suspiciously.
"Well seeing as how their ruler is French I wouldn't call them good Christian kings. God actually said making war against and taking lands away from Frenchmen is perfectly fine and completely forgiveable. So you can annex them right now. I'll go and get the paperwork-"
"But even if God does forgive annexing them, and they are French rulers, that still won't make my conscience clear," pondered the Pope. "I don't think I'll annex them. Or vassalize them. I should give them money and some of our land! And then can just become good friends. Like Frodo and Sam from Lord of the Rings!"
Massimo was now getting iritated. If he was going to show up that sneaky angel Ernesto, he needed the Pope to be more aggressive. And he needed him to annex Naples.
"Well it's just that God told me you should annex them outright," fibbed Massimo. "You see even in the Bible it has mention of the Jews attacking and annexing lands of the French."
"I don't remember reading about that in the Bible," asked Pope Nicholaus the Fifth suspiciously.
"Oh, well it's just that in Hebrew the word Phillistine means French-"
"The Phillistines were really Frenchmen!" exclaimed the Pope. "Well then we must annex Naples immediately!"
Massimo grinned. "And what of Aragon, Pope Nicholaus the Fifth?"
"Well I don't see why can't befriend them. We can be like Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock-"
"A-hem," coughed Massimo the angel.
"Oh yeah, I'll quit with the sci-fi references. So I'll have one of the Cardinals send the Argonese a nice fruit basket!"
"Good choice, O wise Pope. You are very kind to forgive the idol-worshipping enemies of God!"
"The Argonese are idol-worshipping enemies of God?" asked the Pope in shock.
"Why of course!" exclaimed Massimo. "They have idols all over their kingdom"
"Hmm, what kind of idols?" asked the Pope suspicially.
"Evil monkey-goddess idols."
"Goddess of what?"
"Killing."
"Killing? Killing what?"
"Cows. Mostly baby cows. Some adult cows, but very few."
"Then we shall invade the Argonese!" shouted the Pope.
So it was that on May 1st 1449, Pope Nicholaus V annxed the state of Napoli, which was the last province of the country of Naples. Formerly ruled by the French, Massimo's insistance that the French were descendants of the Phillistines led the Pope to annex the state. To further show off Ernesto the angel, Massimo told Pope Nicholaus V that the Argonese worshipped idols of a cow-eating evil monkey-goddess. Being the good naive Pope he was, he aggressively attacked Aragon's holdings in the Mediterranean. And finally on January 30th 1455, Aragon finally agreed to give the Papal States control of Sicily. But months after his triumph over Aragon, Pope Nicholaus V would die, and be replaced by Pope Calixtus III. The new Pope was faced with a continued war against the ever-stubborn Albanians, and thankfully was not a sci-fi junkie like the previous Pontiff.
Final Rank: 9th Place
In the eneternal glory of heaven...
"Excuse me, I wish to speak to God," said Massimo the angel.
"Do you have an appointment?" grumbled the man at the gates of heaven.
"No, but it's a very important matter that I wish to-"
"You can only talk to God if you have an appointment," he sighed.
"But I have to guide the Popes of Rome to righteousness and the current Pope really wants to take take land from Aragon and-"
"Did you say the Popes of Rome?"
"Yes," nodded Massimo.
"Oh, so your the guy who has to help the Popes," he laughed. "I'm Saint Peter, gatekeeper of heaven, rock of the church."
"You!" shouted Massimo angrilly. "It's all your fault I have to babysit these crazy Popes!"
"Yeah, sorry 'bout that," said Saint Peter apologetically. "Hey, at least I heard that you guys got rid of that annoying Saint Luke. You should have seen him at Christmas when Jesus didn't invite him to his birthday party. He was all 'Why did you invite the other apostles Lord?' and 'Have I forsaken you?' That guy just doesn't take a hint-"
"A-hem," said Massimo clearing his throat. "Since I have to help the Popes, your successors, can you at least let me in to talk to God?"
"Sorry, Massimo," frowned Saint Peter. "But rules are rules. I guess you'll have to make the call on whether Pope Nicholaus the Fifth can take land from Aragon or not."
So in a disappointed state, Massimo decided to leave heaven and go back to earth. He would have to make the call whether Pope Nicholaus V could take land from another Christian nation like Aragon or not. Until that is he ran into an old chum of his...
"Hello, there Massimo," said another angel, grinning. "Long time no see."
Massimo turned around. "Oh, good to see you, too, Ernesto."
"Last time I heard you had to babysit the Popes for four hundred years," Ernesto laughed. "How's that been going for you?"
"Just fine, thankyou," said Massimo with gritted teeth.
"Hey, and tough break having to deal with a war against Aragon," he chuckled.
"I'm very confident that the Papal States will triumph in this conflict," said Massimo. "Those who declare war against the Holy See are not fit to be considered Christians."
"Oh, they declared war on you," he said. "Why I wonder why the King of Aragon would do such a dastardly thing. Perhaps a little birdie told him in a dream... or maybe an angel."
"You dirty rotten-"
"We're in heaven Massimo, so watch your tongue."
"Yes, we all know that the only reason why you're up is because the Underworld was overcrowded. Goodbye Ernesto!"
So Massimo went down to Napoli on January 30th 1455, where the Pope had just captured the last remaining province of Naples, an ally of Aragon. Massimo was now determined to guide the Papal States to true path of righteousness and victory, just to show his arch-nemesis the angel Ernesto off.
Napoli, May 1st 1449
Massimo now finds himself in a quaint Neapolitan villa, surrounded by a pristine Italian landscape, littered with crumbling manors, and the breezy Mediterranean Sea in the backdrop.
"Hello, Pope Nicholaus the Fifth?" asked Massimo the angel.
There was no response.
Massimo sighed. "Attention NichoTron Five Thousand! This is Massimoroth, ambassador from the Planet Heaven!"
"At ease, ambassador Massimoroth!" said Pope Nicholaus the Fifth, stepping from out of the next room. "What news to you bring from the One?"
"The One?"
"You know, The One. God?" said the Pope.
"Oh, yes. The One says that we may annex both the Kingdom of Selpan and the Evil Eastern Empire of the Planet Hispania."
"Really? Is the Star Fleet ready to attack-"
"Can we please talk normally?" whined Massimo.
"Fine," he sighed. "I was just trying to make the Holy See's government a little more Star Wars and a little less Bore Wars! Anyways, so God says we can annex Naples and take land from the Argonese?"
Massimo put on a fake smile. "Yes, we can annex Naples immediately. We can do it right now if you like!"
"But wouldn't that be taking the lands away from a good Christian king?" he asked suspiciously.
"Well seeing as how their ruler is French I wouldn't call them good Christian kings. God actually said making war against and taking lands away from Frenchmen is perfectly fine and completely forgiveable. So you can annex them right now. I'll go and get the paperwork-"
"But even if God does forgive annexing them, and they are French rulers, that still won't make my conscience clear," pondered the Pope. "I don't think I'll annex them. Or vassalize them. I should give them money and some of our land! And then can just become good friends. Like Frodo and Sam from Lord of the Rings!"
Massimo was now getting iritated. If he was going to show up that sneaky angel Ernesto, he needed the Pope to be more aggressive. And he needed him to annex Naples.
"Well it's just that God told me you should annex them outright," fibbed Massimo. "You see even in the Bible it has mention of the Jews attacking and annexing lands of the French."
"I don't remember reading about that in the Bible," asked Pope Nicholaus the Fifth suspiciously.
"Oh, well it's just that in Hebrew the word Phillistine means French-"
"The Phillistines were really Frenchmen!" exclaimed the Pope. "Well then we must annex Naples immediately!"
Massimo grinned. "And what of Aragon, Pope Nicholaus the Fifth?"
"Well I don't see why can't befriend them. We can be like Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock-"
"A-hem," coughed Massimo the angel.
"Oh yeah, I'll quit with the sci-fi references. So I'll have one of the Cardinals send the Argonese a nice fruit basket!"
"Good choice, O wise Pope. You are very kind to forgive the idol-worshipping enemies of God!"
"The Argonese are idol-worshipping enemies of God?" asked the Pope in shock.
"Why of course!" exclaimed Massimo. "They have idols all over their kingdom"
"Hmm, what kind of idols?" asked the Pope suspicially.
"Evil monkey-goddess idols."
"Goddess of what?"
"Killing."
"Killing? Killing what?"
"Cows. Mostly baby cows. Some adult cows, but very few."
"Then we shall invade the Argonese!" shouted the Pope.
So it was that on May 1st 1449, Pope Nicholaus V annxed the state of Napoli, which was the last province of the country of Naples. Formerly ruled by the French, Massimo's insistance that the French were descendants of the Phillistines led the Pope to annex the state. To further show off Ernesto the angel, Massimo told Pope Nicholaus V that the Argonese worshipped idols of a cow-eating evil monkey-goddess. Being the good naive Pope he was, he aggressively attacked Aragon's holdings in the Mediterranean. And finally on January 30th 1455, Aragon finally agreed to give the Papal States control of Sicily. But months after his triumph over Aragon, Pope Nicholaus V would die, and be replaced by Pope Calixtus III. The new Pope was faced with a continued war against the ever-stubborn Albanians, and thankfully was not a sci-fi junkie like the previous Pontiff.
Final Rank: 9th Place
I feel sorry for Massimo...he has to deal with insane Popes and irritating lackeys in Heaven...Great update!
Nice AAR
Just started reading it, but damn it is GOOD
*goes to update his AAR right now...*
Just started reading it, but damn it is GOOD
*goes to update his AAR right now...*
Yeah, nice update. I like that Massimo has let his personal feelings take over the intention of God. Maybe he needs a little talking to. Perhaps it is all in his greater scheme to get an audience with God. Keep it up.
So now Massimo is using the old "evil monkey-goddess idols" line, eh? Must be very frustrated indeed.
Too many comments for me to comment them each, but I thank everyone for reading and commenting on my AAR. Thankyou.
Rome, 1455
Massimo once himself inside the Vatican, ready as always to serve the Popes and guide them on the true path of righteousness and serving as a model for all of Christendom.
"Hello, Pope Calixtus the Third?" called Massimo the angel.
"Yeah, Mathimo ith here!" called the Pope.
"Have I gone crazy or did you get younger?" asked Massimo.
"Don't be tho thilly Mathimo," giggle the Pope. "I dinint get youngow at all!"
"But this doesn't make any sense!" he shouted. "You don't look a day older than four!"
"Actually, I'm this many," grinned the Pope, showing five of his fingers.
"Why didn't I notice you were a five-year-old when we first met!"
"It's makeths a much bettow stoweyline."
"Anyways, Pope Calixtus the Third, I wanted to talk to you about the peace negotiations with Albania-"
"Call me Pope 'Litus!" said the Pope.
"Yes, well anyways Pope 'Litus the Albanians are still at war with us and this long war needs to ended-"
"Why?"
"Because our war exhaustion is very high."
"Why?"
"Because we've been at war for so long."
"Why?"
"Because you won't let me make peace with the Albanians!"
"Thtop yelling at me!" sniffed the Pope.
"Well you're making my job very difficult!" snorted Massimo.
"What ith youw job anywayths?" asked the Pope.
"To guide the Papal States to righteousness and lead Christendom to justice-"
"Can you get me thum jooth?" grinned the Pope.
"No, I can't get you some jooth!" scolded Massimo. "If you'll just pay attention - No, please don't cry!"
The Pope began crying uncontrollably, throwing a minor tantrum.
"Look, Pope 'Litus, I'm very sorry for yelling at you," said Massimo.
"Will you get thum jooth?" he sniffed.
"Fine, fine. But first we have to talk about the war," said Massimo.
"At skoowell my teachow taught us that waw is bad!" said the Pope in disgust.
"Yes, exactly!" said Massimo. "So, let's offer Albania a white peace so we can end the war. How about it?"
"Hmmm," said the Pope. "I geth tho."
"Good. Now I need to talk to you about the revolters in-"
"My mom thed if you don't have anything niceth to thay, don't thay anything at all."
"What are you talking about?"
"You thed revolters. That's not very niceth of you. You shoulda thed people who don't thmell tho good. You wouldn't like other people calling you revolting, would you Mathimo?"
"It's like talking to a child," Massimo sighed.
"What did th'you thay?"
"Nothing," he sighed again. "So why don't we deal with the revolters - I mean people who don't smell so good, by sending in some troops - I mean people who can make them smell good."
The Pope cocked his head from side to side. "That makes thensth to me!"
"Good. Now we need to discuss our foreign relations-"
"Shhh," whispered the Pope. "We haven't learned about foreign relathions in skoowel yet. They call it the bird and the beesth-"
"No I don't mean that!" grumbled the angel. "I mean how well we get along with other countries. You know, like alliances, state gifts, royal marriages - what are you giggling about now!"
"I heard a funny word in skoowel today," giggled the Pope.
"What is it," sighed Massimo the angel.
"We wew talking about cathedwels, and my teachow said... fwying buttreth!"
"You mean flying buttress. That's an architectural feature used in gothic cathedrals-"
"Hahaha," laughed the Pope. "You said flying buttreth!"
"Anyways," muttered Massimo. "Did you receive any letters from any important people?"
"Jutht thith one," said the Pope, throwing Massimo a srunched-up piece of paper. "But I can't read, tho I don't know what it theth!"
Massimo's eyes opened wide. "I think that eliminate's the purpose of a surprise attack," he muttered under his breath.
"What did you thay, Mathimo?"
"You know what, maybe I'll just take care of this letter. You can take your nap now, and I'll get you your jooth!"
So it was that Pope Calixtus III, who for some reason was only five years old, made peace with the Albanians after years of non-existing warfare. Massimo was also able to convince the Pope to recruit some more troops to crush the rebels in Southern Italy and Sicily, under the clever guise of 'people who will make the revolters smell good'. Massimo was also able to send the leader of the Army of the Holy Cross the letter from the Neapolitan rebel leader, which took some of the element of surprise away from their surprise attack. But after only three years of holding the the title of Vicar of Christ, Pope Calixtus III had to leave the Vatican in 1458, because of some unknown reason (I wouldn't dare kill a child in my AARs). The new Pope Pius II was much older than the previous pope, and could his reading skills were substantially better.
Final Rank: 9th Place
Massimo once himself inside the Vatican, ready as always to serve the Popes and guide them on the true path of righteousness and serving as a model for all of Christendom.
"Hello, Pope Calixtus the Third?" called Massimo the angel.
"Yeah, Mathimo ith here!" called the Pope.
"Have I gone crazy or did you get younger?" asked Massimo.
"Don't be tho thilly Mathimo," giggle the Pope. "I dinint get youngow at all!"
"But this doesn't make any sense!" he shouted. "You don't look a day older than four!"
"Actually, I'm this many," grinned the Pope, showing five of his fingers.
"Why didn't I notice you were a five-year-old when we first met!"
"It's makeths a much bettow stoweyline."
"Anyways, Pope Calixtus the Third, I wanted to talk to you about the peace negotiations with Albania-"
"Call me Pope 'Litus!" said the Pope.
"Yes, well anyways Pope 'Litus the Albanians are still at war with us and this long war needs to ended-"
"Why?"
"Because our war exhaustion is very high."
"Why?"
"Because we've been at war for so long."
"Why?"
"Because you won't let me make peace with the Albanians!"
"Thtop yelling at me!" sniffed the Pope.
"Well you're making my job very difficult!" snorted Massimo.
"What ith youw job anywayths?" asked the Pope.
"To guide the Papal States to righteousness and lead Christendom to justice-"
"Can you get me thum jooth?" grinned the Pope.
"No, I can't get you some jooth!" scolded Massimo. "If you'll just pay attention - No, please don't cry!"
The Pope began crying uncontrollably, throwing a minor tantrum.
"Look, Pope 'Litus, I'm very sorry for yelling at you," said Massimo.
"Will you get thum jooth?" he sniffed.
"Fine, fine. But first we have to talk about the war," said Massimo.
"At skoowell my teachow taught us that waw is bad!" said the Pope in disgust.
"Yes, exactly!" said Massimo. "So, let's offer Albania a white peace so we can end the war. How about it?"
"Hmmm," said the Pope. "I geth tho."
"Good. Now I need to talk to you about the revolters in-"
"My mom thed if you don't have anything niceth to thay, don't thay anything at all."
"What are you talking about?"
"You thed revolters. That's not very niceth of you. You shoulda thed people who don't thmell tho good. You wouldn't like other people calling you revolting, would you Mathimo?"
"It's like talking to a child," Massimo sighed.
"What did th'you thay?"
"Nothing," he sighed again. "So why don't we deal with the revolters - I mean people who don't smell so good, by sending in some troops - I mean people who can make them smell good."
The Pope cocked his head from side to side. "That makes thensth to me!"
"Good. Now we need to discuss our foreign relations-"
"Shhh," whispered the Pope. "We haven't learned about foreign relathions in skoowel yet. They call it the bird and the beesth-"
"No I don't mean that!" grumbled the angel. "I mean how well we get along with other countries. You know, like alliances, state gifts, royal marriages - what are you giggling about now!"
"I heard a funny word in skoowel today," giggled the Pope.
"What is it," sighed Massimo the angel.
"We wew talking about cathedwels, and my teachow said... fwying buttreth!"
"You mean flying buttress. That's an architectural feature used in gothic cathedrals-"
"Hahaha," laughed the Pope. "You said flying buttreth!"
"Anyways," muttered Massimo. "Did you receive any letters from any important people?"
"Jutht thith one," said the Pope, throwing Massimo a srunched-up piece of paper. "But I can't read, tho I don't know what it theth!"
Massimo's eyes opened wide. "I think that eliminate's the purpose of a surprise attack," he muttered under his breath.
"What did you thay, Mathimo?"
"You know what, maybe I'll just take care of this letter. You can take your nap now, and I'll get you your jooth!"
So it was that Pope Calixtus III, who for some reason was only five years old, made peace with the Albanians after years of non-existing warfare. Massimo was also able to convince the Pope to recruit some more troops to crush the rebels in Southern Italy and Sicily, under the clever guise of 'people who will make the revolters smell good'. Massimo was also able to send the leader of the Army of the Holy Cross the letter from the Neapolitan rebel leader, which took some of the element of surprise away from their surprise attack. But after only three years of holding the the title of Vicar of Christ, Pope Calixtus III had to leave the Vatican in 1458, because of some unknown reason (I wouldn't dare kill a child in my AARs). The new Pope Pius II was much older than the previous pope, and could his reading skills were substantially better.
Final Rank: 9th Place
Wouldn't kill a child? Why not? I've done it. When I first started reading this update, I could not help but think of Cheech Marin in the Corsican Brothers with that lisp you gave the Pope. Even though he was only five, I couldn't help saying it outloud as Cheech - very funny stuff, at least to me. :rofl:
When I first started reading this update, I could not help but think of Cheech Marin in the Corsican Brothers with that lisp you gave the Pope. Even though he was only five, I couldn't help saying it outloud as Cheech - very funny stuff, at least to me. :rofl:
Bologna, 1463
Massimo now appears in a old church somewhere outside of the city of Bologna in the Romagna region of Central Italy. Here he finds the new pope at the top of the bell tower.
"Hello there, Pope Pius the Second," smiled Massimo the angel pleasantly.
"Hello Mossimo," grunted the Pope, staring into a telescope at the sky.
"Birdwatching are we now?"
"Nyet. I am merely oobzerving da sky. Da peasants in Bologna, they speak oof das great meteor!"
"I see," said Massimo, scratching his chin. "I just have one question."
"About das meteor?"
"No, about your accent," said Massimo suspiciously. "I thought we already have a German-accent Pope."
"Nyet!" said the Pope. "Two German-accented Popes in von AAR vood make a very veek storyline!"
"I never remembered you being a Russian pope-"
"I'm not a Rossyan pope! I merely hov a Russian accent. I'm vrom Italy, you veek-minded angel!"
"I see," sighed the angel. "So, about this meteor?"
"Vell this is a zimple case of God's wrath!" boomed Pope Pius the Second.
"God's wrath?"
"Of corz not, whenever zomthing cannot be explained, it haz to do viss God! Meteors are zymbols that God is angry at mankind."
"And it has nothing to do with astronomy or science?"
"Astronomy? Scie-ence?" said the befuddled Pope. "Do you want to be hanged as a witch!?"
"No sir!" said Massimo quickly, later realizing that angels really can't be hanged for being witches.
"So tell me Massimo," said the Pope, quickly changing topics. "Vat news are there of the revolters in Messinia?"
"Well the revolters are revolting-"
"The revolters are revolting!"
"What else would revolters do?" said Massimo rhetorically.
"Maybe get little signs and vok to V'Rome to complain about their conditions?" said Pope Pius.
"Trust me, complaining to a government by walking about with little signs won't achieve anything," laughed Massimo. "I doubt you humans will ever degrade yourselves to that form of complaint. Not even in five hundred years!"
"So then I azoom everything iz in order," smiled the Pope, still looking into his telescope. "So if you don't mind, con you get to the Vatican and vile zum paperwork vor me?"
"Vile zum paperwork vor you?" asked Massimo.
"You know vot I mean, Mossimo!" grumbled the Pope. "So quit 'Stalin' and get to work!"
"Well see, there's a little problem..."
"Which is?"
"I sort of made some plans with someone..."
"Vat's zis? Our little angel has a little angel?" laughed the Pope.
"Hey, I'm a little shy as it is with women, so don't put any pressure on me-"
"Nonzenz!" boomed the Pope. "I'm sure you'll go vrom Spudnick to Studnick in no time!"
"Thanks for the - umm... helpful words."
"No problem, comrade!" laughed the Pope. "So, who's the girl you're gonna Leningrab a bite to eat with?"
"Well... it's umm - Helen of Troy-"
"Helen of Troy! How did z'you get a date vith her?! How does she look in v'real life?! Is she in heaven anyvays?"
"Well, she actually managed to get into heaven, because her and Saint Peter had this little fling back in 97-"
"You mean in 1397?"
"No, just in the year 97. Anyways, I met her back at a party at Saint Gregory's last year, and we hit it off pretty good. I think I just may have a picture of her in my wallet. Here we go!"
Massimo the angel opened up his wallet and showed Pope Pius the Second the photo he had of Helen of Troy.
"Katherine the Great! Those are zom big cossacks she's got! Those zings are bigger than a pair of-"
"Excuse me, Pope Pius. I believe you took a vow of chastity."
"Hey, zose 'Katyusha rockets' of hers have started entire vors!"
Helen of Troy, who's 'cossacks' and 'Katyusha rockets' have every Greek from here to Sparta drooling like dogs.
So it was that Massimo and Helen of Troy went on their first date, with Pope Pius II wanting to know all the gritty details about it, and then dealing out shameless Russian puns. Back in the matters of statecraft, Massimo and the Pope dealt with revolters who chose not to resort to violence, dealing with only two minor rebellions in Messinia. The meteor also caused some chaos among the populace, and several witch-burnings took place whenever the word 'science' was uttered in Central and Southern Italy. The peaceful reign of Pope Pius II, which begun in 1458 finally ended in 1464, when he overdosed on vodka and died in a seedy sports bar. The new Pope Paulus II had begun his Papal dominance, and he too would try to lead the Papal States on the righteous (yet anti-scientific) path.
Final Rank: 9th Place
Massimo now appears in a old church somewhere outside of the city of Bologna in the Romagna region of Central Italy. Here he finds the new pope at the top of the bell tower.
"Hello there, Pope Pius the Second," smiled Massimo the angel pleasantly.
"Hello Mossimo," grunted the Pope, staring into a telescope at the sky.
"Birdwatching are we now?"
"Nyet. I am merely oobzerving da sky. Da peasants in Bologna, they speak oof das great meteor!"
"I see," said Massimo, scratching his chin. "I just have one question."
"About das meteor?"
"No, about your accent," said Massimo suspiciously. "I thought we already have a German-accent Pope."
"Nyet!" said the Pope. "Two German-accented Popes in von AAR vood make a very veek storyline!"
"I never remembered you being a Russian pope-"
"I'm not a Rossyan pope! I merely hov a Russian accent. I'm vrom Italy, you veek-minded angel!"
"I see," sighed the angel. "So, about this meteor?"
"Vell this is a zimple case of God's wrath!" boomed Pope Pius the Second.
"God's wrath?"
"Of corz not, whenever zomthing cannot be explained, it haz to do viss God! Meteors are zymbols that God is angry at mankind."
"And it has nothing to do with astronomy or science?"
"Astronomy? Scie-ence?" said the befuddled Pope. "Do you want to be hanged as a witch!?"
"No sir!" said Massimo quickly, later realizing that angels really can't be hanged for being witches.
"So tell me Massimo," said the Pope, quickly changing topics. "Vat news are there of the revolters in Messinia?"
"Well the revolters are revolting-"
"The revolters are revolting!"
"What else would revolters do?" said Massimo rhetorically.
"Maybe get little signs and vok to V'Rome to complain about their conditions?" said Pope Pius.
"Trust me, complaining to a government by walking about with little signs won't achieve anything," laughed Massimo. "I doubt you humans will ever degrade yourselves to that form of complaint. Not even in five hundred years!"
"So then I azoom everything iz in order," smiled the Pope, still looking into his telescope. "So if you don't mind, con you get to the Vatican and vile zum paperwork vor me?"
"Vile zum paperwork vor you?" asked Massimo.
"You know vot I mean, Mossimo!" grumbled the Pope. "So quit 'Stalin' and get to work!"
"Well see, there's a little problem..."
"Which is?"
"I sort of made some plans with someone..."
"Vat's zis? Our little angel has a little angel?" laughed the Pope.
"Hey, I'm a little shy as it is with women, so don't put any pressure on me-"
"Nonzenz!" boomed the Pope. "I'm sure you'll go vrom Spudnick to Studnick in no time!"
"Thanks for the - umm... helpful words."
"No problem, comrade!" laughed the Pope. "So, who's the girl you're gonna Leningrab a bite to eat with?"
"Well... it's umm - Helen of Troy-"
"Helen of Troy! How did z'you get a date vith her?! How does she look in v'real life?! Is she in heaven anyvays?"
"Well, she actually managed to get into heaven, because her and Saint Peter had this little fling back in 97-"
"You mean in 1397?"
"No, just in the year 97. Anyways, I met her back at a party at Saint Gregory's last year, and we hit it off pretty good. I think I just may have a picture of her in my wallet. Here we go!"
Massimo the angel opened up his wallet and showed Pope Pius the Second the photo he had of Helen of Troy.
"Katherine the Great! Those are zom big cossacks she's got! Those zings are bigger than a pair of-"
"Excuse me, Pope Pius. I believe you took a vow of chastity."
"Hey, zose 'Katyusha rockets' of hers have started entire vors!"
Helen of Troy, who's 'cossacks' and 'Katyusha rockets' have every Greek from here to Sparta drooling like dogs.
So it was that Massimo and Helen of Troy went on their first date, with Pope Pius II wanting to know all the gritty details about it, and then dealing out shameless Russian puns. Back in the matters of statecraft, Massimo and the Pope dealt with revolters who chose not to resort to violence, dealing with only two minor rebellions in Messinia. The meteor also caused some chaos among the populace, and several witch-burnings took place whenever the word 'science' was uttered in Central and Southern Italy. The peaceful reign of Pope Pius II, which begun in 1458 finally ended in 1464, when he overdosed on vodka and died in a seedy sports bar. The new Pope Paulus II had begun his Papal dominance, and he too would try to lead the Papal States on the righteous (yet anti-scientific) path.
Final Rank: 9th Place
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I would LOVE to know how Helen met St. Peter in 97 AD...since she was around about three thousand years before Christ...must have been one of those Hell and Heaven mixers you hear rumors about but nobody talks about openly....Loved the update...russian speaking Italian Pope...funny, funny stuff!