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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

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First Lieutenant
Jan 29, 2004
299
0
Arcadian Enterprises with Maple Leaf Industries Presents
Easy as A B "Holy See"
A Papal States AAR




__________

In the eternal glory of heaven...



"You summoned me, O great heavenly Father?"

"Yes, Massimo. I need you to perform a task for me."

"Whatever you want, O wonderful Creater," answered Massimo.

"I want you to go down to Earth."

"Down there?" asked Massimo. "I will do as you O incredible-"

"Massimo, you know what I can't stand?"

Massimo thought for a minute. "Could it be those who blaspheme against the Holy Spirit, O forgiving God."

"No," said God sternly. "It's little brown-nosing angels who act like a bunch of yes-men!"

"Yes, O glorious- Oh, right! No kiss-up stuff. Gotcha God!" said the angel.

"Good," smiled God. "Now, I want you to go down to Earth and meet with the Pope."

Massimo nodded.

"There you will help him guide the people of Christendom in a peaceful and righteous manner. You must help to preach My Word to all people's of the world, and prevent heretics and heathens from overruning the world."

"So I must help spread Your Word and prevent wars among those who follow-"

"Prevent wars, eh?" thought God. "On second thought, you can scratch that last part."

"I guess no-one's perfect," said Massimo. God stared down at him in an overpowering manner. "Uhhh, except for you O vengeful God."

"Good. Now, you are to assist the Popes of Rome for four hundred years-"

"Four hundred years?!?!" exclaimed Massimo the angel. "What did you do lose a bet or something?"

"Well I made a bet with Saint Peter over who would the SuperBowl, and long story short: you must help the Popes of Rome for four hundred years," said God straight out.

"Why couldn't you just make Jesus do it?" grumbled Massimo.

"Massimo, I am Jesus."

"I thought you were God."

"I'm God and Jesus. And the Holy Spirit. The Holy Trinity, remember?" said God.

"Talk about multiple personality," said Massimo under his breath.

"Just get to Rome!"

Massimo jumped back. He was heading off to Rome, to guide the Popes for four hundred years on how they would effectively strengthen and guide Christendom...
__________

I will try to make this a humourous AAR, with a very tiny bit of narrative. I will try to have the vast majority of this AAR in dialogue form.

1.07 Papal States
normal/normal

My Goals:
- Unite all of Italy
- Push the Turks and Moors from Europe
- Try to regain the Holy Land
- Make the Papal States a respected and reverred nation
 
Last edited:

VPeric

Major
Mar 8, 2003
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www.freewebs.com
OK, from a start as that, I'm expecting your AAR to be funny as hell. (no pun intended ^_^) :D You don't feel like you are doing a lot of AARs at the same time ;) :) Good luck!
 

unmerged(25190)

First Lieutenant
Jan 29, 2004
299
0
Rome, January 2nd 1419



Massimo the angel appeared in the Vatican. A very fine set of buildings, indeed, but perhaps a bit too elaborate for people who were supposed to have an oath of poverty...

Massimo now found himself in the Papal bedrooms. He noticed the sheets were in a big clump.

"Hello, Pope Martinus?" called out Massimo.

Nothing.

"Hello!" yelled Massimo. "Pope Martinus!"

"Uhhhh," groaned the Pope. "Ten-a more-a minutes, mama."

"What?"

"Mama, don't make-a me to school. I want to stay-a home and help you make some-a cannolis..."

"WAKE UP!"

"What?!?!" groaned Martinus. "Who are you?"

"I am Massimo, an angel sent by-"

"I don't want to buy-a anything from you!" grumbled Martinus. "Geez-a! Can't you leave-a the Vicar of Christ to get some sleep!"

"I'm not selling anything."

"Then leave-a me alone!"

"But- but-"

The Pope jumped up from his bed. "How dare you-a use such foul language in front of me!"

"Look buddy!" said Massimo sternly. "I'm an angel who was sent here from God to help you guide Christendom and the Papal States on the path of glory and righteousness!"

"Why do you-a have to help me, Signor Grouchy?" asked the Pope. "Did God lose a bet or something?"

Massimo's face grew red. "Look, the name's Massimo, and well- well-"

The Pope began laughing. "God lost a bet and you have-a to help me now! This is all too-a funny! Now, get a mia a cup of espresso!"

"Excuse me, but I'm not the Papal intern," said Massimo indignantly. "I am here to aid you through divine knowledge and proper guidance of statecraft and religious affairs."

"Blah, blah, blah. If you-a donna get me a nice cup of espresso, you'll have to clean the Cardinals' bathroom!"

"But I'm a guardian angel, not-"

"Did you know that the Cardinals are mostly old men who eat prunes-"

"I'm going!" said Massimo angrilly, not wanting Pope Martinus the Fifth to finish his sentence.

Perhaps when the Pope was in a better mood, he'd let Massimo help him guide the Papal States on the true path...
 

unmerged(25190)

First Lieutenant
Jan 29, 2004
299
0
Rome, May 27th 1420



On May 5th, 1419 the Papal States declared war on Siena. The Army of the Holy Cross was beaten back and regrouped in Marche. The Sienese then began besieging Rome, while the Papal armies besieged Siena. It was a race to capture each other's capital.

Massimo entered the Pope's study, where he was surrounded in a cluster of maps.

"Excuse me, Pope Martinus, but I happened to notice an army of Sienese at the gates of Rome?" asked Massimo sarcastically.

The Pope continued looking at some old book about tactics.

"Hey Marty!" shouted Massimo.

"It's a Pope Martinus the Fifth to-a you angel-boy!" scornfully responded the Pope.

"Oh, so now you can hear me?" said Massimo sarcastically.

"Don't-a go there, Massimo!" said the Pope waving his finger in the air. "I'm very a-busy reading about-a the tactics right now."

"Hmmm," Massimo said, appearing behind the Pope. "Hey, wait a second! You're just reading a comic book! You told me you were learning tactics!"

"Ah man!" said the Pope. "You're no fun! You're as bad as Tall Cardinal!"

"Tall cardinal?"

"I don't have-a the time to remember their names," said the frustrated Pope Martinus the Fifth. "All I know is that Tall Cardinal is-a really strict, Fat Cardinal he like-a to hide chocolate all over the Vatican, and Girly Cardinal likes to go around-a redecorating every-a-thing in here."

"Oh, he's the one in the pink robes."

"Yeah, and don't get-a me started about-a Short Balding-a Cardinal-"

"Pope Martinus, what about the Sienese army at the gates of Rome?" asked Massimo.

"Oh those guys," said the Pope. "Feh! You donna worry about those-a guys! If we take-a Siena before they take-a Rome, we'll just annex them."

"And if they take Rome first..."

"Then we'll just-a siege Rome and they'll siege-a Siena. And if we retake-a Rome before they retake-a Siena, we get anothera chance to annex them."

Massimo thought for a moment. "So you've thought this out pretty thoroughly, have you?"

Pope Martinus the Fifth nodded for a moment.

"I don't know if God would like you annexing a fellow Christian state..."

"Massimo, c'mon man! I heard-a that in-a Siena, they- um, they worship-a this- this big, eeee-vil... monkey-a-goddess. Yes!"

"A big evil monkey goddes?" said Massimo with a questionable glance. "What is she the goddess of?"

"Killing."

"Killing? Killing what?"

"Cows. Most-a-ly baby cows," said the Pope. "Well... actually some-a adult cows, but very few. And I promise that-a when we annex Sienna, we'll destroy all of-a the monkey goddess idols."

"Deal!" smiled Massimo. "By the way, who started the war?"

"We did," said the Pope looking guilty. "Am I not allowed to declared war on a fellow Christian nation?"

"No," sighed Massimo. "God said he'll let that kind of thing slide."

"That-a God seems like a pretty god guy. By the way, what-a team did he say would win-a the SuperBowl?"

"The Los Angeles Kings."

"Don't you mean-a the Raiders? The Kings, they play-a the hockey, not-a the football."

"I know," sighed Massimo. "He's not the best at making bets."

"But isn't-a gambling a sin?" said the Pope.

"Again, he kind of let's that thing slide at times..."
 
Last edited:

coz1

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Once again _Arcadian_, you do not disappoint! Great stuff. If the rest of this is as good as the beginning, you have a real winner on your hands! Just be careful not to over-extent yourself. ;)
 

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Oct 16, 2003
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WOW, I am having somuch fun :) I must say you beat most of the funny AARs I've read :) well, there are still those classics that you'll have to stand up to, but so far it's been great!

-----
"Killing."

"Killing? Killing what?"

"Cows. Most-a-ly baby cows," said the Pope. "Well... actually some-a adult cows, but very few.
-----

:D :D :D
 

Amric

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okay, you have my attention. God loses a bet to St. Peter...I LOVE that...
 

TreizeV

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Haha evil monkey goddess, this is just as funny (if not funnier) than your other AARs ;)

watch yourself though, don't wanna overstretch that writing, with two other AARS going
 

LordLeto

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As a catholic I think I should chime in here. Gambling isnt a sin(hell look for the word in the bible, or synonyms, I sure as hell cant find it), you can gamble, as long as it isnt with the money needed to support your family, and its prefectly sin free.

Edit:Oh and nice start, Ill be watching.
 

unmerged(25190)

First Lieutenant
Jan 29, 2004
299
0
VPeric - I hope I won't disappoint you. :)

coz1 - I'll try my best not over-extend myself. :) The posts will be more spread out in terms of game-years from now on. Plus, since I'm done my Hellas AAR, I can easily maintain two AARs. Just glad that the biggest supporter of my English AAR enjoyed what I'd done so far here.

von Loch Ness - Haha. :p Glad you liked that part.

Amric - Hope you stick around, buddy. Thanks for the positive feedback. :D

TreizeV - Not to worry, my Greek AAR is done. I'm pretty satisfactory with it's ending, but I'd rathar do a humourous AAR after that serious bit of novel-style writing. :p

LordLeto - As for gambling, I have certain family members and acquiantances who won't step foot in a casino (including a Catholic religion teacher). Then again you could be correct that the Bible doesn't state it's a sin. Best not to dwell on these things. Glad you'll be watching, anyhow. :)
 
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unmerged(25190)

First Lieutenant
Jan 29, 2004
299
0
Siena, 1429



Massimo the angel now finds himself in the Siena, a city surrounded by mountains in the heart of the Italian peninsula. Pope Martinus the Fifth now takes residence in a large stately manor, amid tall cypress trees and splendid Etruscan marbles...

Massimo appeared in front of the Pope, who was taking a nap on a couch.

"Mama mia!" exclaimed the Pope. "Oh, it's just-a you Massimo! You gave-a me quite the freight!"

"Sorry Pope Martinus," said Massimo.

"So what a did you come-a here for anyways?" said the Pope yawning.

"Oh nothing," said Massimo, who's smile was now fading. "It's just that I've took a nice tour around the city."

"Oooh, that-a sounds nice!"

"Oh it was," said the now angry Massimo. "And then I realized that Siena was devoid of any idols of your so-called monkey goddess who eats baby cows and some adult cows!"

"Ohhhhhh," said the Pope putting on a fake laugh. "That."

Massimo stood there, angrilly tapping his foot on the floor.

"Well, that's a cuza we got ridda allova those idols of the monkey-a-goddess," grinned the Pope, relaxing on the couch. "And as you can-a see we did quite-a the bang up job! Not a single one in allova Siena! And the city's-a cow population has skyrocketed, what-a with-"

"Pope!" yelled Massimo. "There was no monkey-goddes idols to begin with, were they?"

"There could have-a been a few," said the Pope. "But there's-a no use crying overa the spilled milk. Siena is now part of the happy-a family of a the Pope."

Massimo tried to just ignore that whole monkey goddes fiasco. What's done is done after all. C'est la vie.

"Anyways, have you even heard about what's going in the north?" said Massimo concernedly.

"Escoozie Massimo, but I aska the questions around here," said the Pope.

"You have a question, Pope Martinus?" asked Massimo.

"Yes I happena do. If allova you angels can just appear out of a-anywhere, then why do you-a have the wings?" said the Pope, scratching his chin.

"Hmmm... Well that's because... because..." studdered Massimo. "Just tell me what's going on in the north!"

"I though you guysa were omniscienta?"

"Now, you're thinking of God."

"If he's omniscienta, then why couldn't he predicta the outcome of a the SuperBowl-"

"Pope!"

The Pope sighed and got up from the couch where he was lying on. "There's a some troops from-a Turkey sieging Modena and Firenze-"

"You mean to tell me that there are enemy soldiers besieging Modena and Firenze?"

"Eh, wassamatta with you!" said the Pope. "Cana you no speak Italian!"

"Okay, okay. But I don't understand why a turkey would send them," pondered Massimo. "Was this some sort of an evil goddess as well. The evil turkey goddess."

"What are you-a talking about!"

"You said they were being sieged by troops from a turkey."

"I said troops from-a Turkey, not-a the troops from a turkey!"

"Turkey!" exclaimed Massimo. "The Ottomans have invaded Italy!"

"Please quiet-a down, Massimo. You'll wake-a the Fat Cardinal!"

"Pope Martinus, you will push the Turks out of Italy immediately! You will declare war on the Ottoman Empire, ask for military access from Firenze and Modena, and then remove them from the peninsula!"

"Ah man! Quit ruining-a my lasagna Massimo. I just-a bought a new vespa," grumbled the Pope. "I wanted to ride it through-a the city today."

"You can ride it up to Firenze where the Turks are!" ordered Massimo. "And if you don't then the man upstairs will be pretty wrathful!"

"The man upstairs?" asked the Pope confusedly. "Ohhh, you mean-a the Tall Cardinal who's bedroom is-a on the next floor. Fine, I'll fight-a the Turks, but I donna see why this-a involves Tall Cardinal. I'd think God would-a care more than Tall Cardinal would."



Pope Martinus V did as Massimo the angel advised. He successfully defeated the Turks at Siena and Modena (Emilia), which removed the Muslim threat from Italy. The Papal States' allies in Genoa and Savoy used their combined navies to defeat an Ottoman fleet off the coast of Corsica. However, Genoa lost an embarassing number of minor engagements to the Turks afterwards, which eventually made them buy the Turks off. Pope Martinus V died in 1431 peacefully, and the new Pope Eugenius IV now had to lead the Papal States out of the war.
 
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unmerged(25190)

First Lieutenant
Jan 29, 2004
299
0
Taranto, May 27th 1439



Massimo now finds himself in a somewhat gloomy fortress in Taranto, at the southern tip of Italy...

Massimo appears in front of the Pope, who is quietly reading.

Pope Eugenius the Fourth turns around at looks at Massimo the angel. "Ach! Das iz only you, Mazzimo!"

"Yes, well... Hello to you too, Pope Eugenius," said Massimo.

"Why are bothering mine readingz now," he grumbled.

"Well, it's only because the last time we talked we were in the Vatican and you were going about giving peace a chance."

"Ja? Really?"

"Yes, you kept on saying 'give peace a chance', and how great it was," said Massimo. "So, it was my surprise when I found you invading Southern Italy!"

"Oh, ya zat!" laughed the Pope. "Well, in oll fairnezz I waz never serious about za peace thing! I waz just singing za song."

"Well song or not, you shouldn't be invading Southern Italy when the Turks are running amok in the East!"

Pope Eugenius the Fifth frowned.

"They took Constantinople only twelve years ago, and they're still on the rampage."

"Well ein zuppose-"

"You zuppose nothing!" yelled Massimo. "And another thing! Why do you have such a thick German accent when you were born in Venice?"

"I am z'no Deutsche! Ich bin ein Italien!"

"Pope?"

"Ja, Mazzimo. It would quite das boring if we haden the two Italien accents in za row."

Massimo nodded. "Alright, alright. But now can you explain invading Southern Italy and all?"

"Well Albania went out ount zaid I was das too emotional to be za Pope. Me? Das nerve! I was crying ount crying ount crying all through Lent. Zo I declared war ount them! Zerves zem right."

"Yes, but how did you get here in Southern Italy?"

"Oh, Naplez ount Aragon had oun alliance wiz zem, so I figured when in das Rome-"

"So you figured you'd invade Naples and take some land? I hope you're very happy with yourself."

"Mazzimo, can you blame me? I mean Naplez iz ruled by a das French nobles-"

"Did you say French?"

"Ja."

"Fine, your exempted from sin this time," sighed Massimo.

"Ja, really?"

"Well God said that attacking Frenchmen wasn't a sin anymore because everyone practically does it. I mean if we made it a sin, then we'd only have one apostle in heaven."

"Only one?" asked the Pope.

"Yeah, Jesus told Doubting Thomas it wasn't a sin, but he wouldn't believe him. So he's the only apostle to never defeat the French in battle."

"Zat's allvays good to know. Zo I am allowed to keep das land in Apulia?"

"Sure, knock yourself out. Just keep your conquests to the French."

Pope Eugenius IV had settled for a white peace against the Turks just a few years after he was chosen at Pope. Also, he was allowed to keep the land he took from Naples in mid-1439. Massimo told him that he had God's full blessing should he invade another land ruled by Frenchmen (or inhabited by Frenchmen). However, the Pope was still at war with Aragon and Albania. So, despite Massimo's 'only-Frenchmen' rule, Pope Eugenius IV invaded Argonese Sicily.

Rome, December 16th 1441



The angry Massimo now appears in the Papal bedroom, awaking the sleeping Pope Eugenius IV.

"Pope!"

"Mazzimo, it's too earlieeeee," grumbled the Pope.

"Pope Eugenius the Fourth, what did I tell you about invading other Christian nations?!?!" yelled Massimo the angel.

"Zat you get lots ov money when you inva-"

"I said nothing like that at all!" he yelled. "I said that I will only permit taking land away from Frenchmen, that's it!"

"Ohhhhh," said the Pope. "Zat rule. But I only took von little tiny piece of Zicily vrom das Aragon-"

"The Argonese are Spanish and I said French!"

"Big differenz, Mazzimo," sarcastically said Pope Eugenius. "The French like cheez and das Spanish like nacho cheez."

"That's it! No more invading for the rest of your rule!"

"Mazzimo, please. I can't help it, I have das German acent! We have to invade other countries."

"You're suppose to be Italian!"

"Ja! I told you ich bin ein Ita-"

"Just don't invade anyone else, okay? And you're banned from entering Southern Italy!"

"That's fine. I just expected Taranto to be das bit colder."

"Huh?" asked Massimo.

"Well it is das biggest city in Canada-"

"That's Toronto, not Taranto!"



Pope Eugenius IV gained Apulia from Naples in May of 1439 and then gained Messinia from Aragon in March of 1441. Despite the large warscore against the Albanians, the Pope could not settle a white peace with the Albanians. So therefore, due to the massive war exhaustion in the conquered territories, he gave them 50 ducats for peace. Due to Massimo's punishment, Pope Eugenius IV could no longer wage a war during his reign as Pope. In 1447, Pope Eugenius IV would die, and Pope Nicholaus V would rule the Papal States.
Final Rank: 10th Place
 
Last edited:

VPeric

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Mar 8, 2003
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So, what are the chances of getting a diplomatic pope? :D Good work! Are you planning on utilizing that no-sin thingie against France in the future? :)
 

unmerged(25190)

First Lieutenant
Jan 29, 2004
299
0
Farquharson - I'll try my best! ;)

VPeric - Glad you liked the Turkey part. :D And I haven't really thought about using it against France in the future. Actually, besides unifying all Italian culture provinces and the Holy Land, I haven't thought about what I'd do next.

von Loch Ness - I'll try to make them entertaining in their own special ways. Glad you like them. :)
 
Last edited:

VPeric

Major
Mar 8, 2003
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Trust me, uniting Italy is a big task in itself too. It might keep you occupied for a while (especially if Austria grabs Lombardia and/or Mantua, or France interwines with Piedmonte, or Modena :) ). And, after that, converting the Holy Land is a chore :) Those objectives somehow remind me of jwolf's great AAR, Burnt Siena. Lets hope you over-achieve him. :)