• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

unmerged(45985)

Sweden the snabbmat nation
Jul 4, 2005
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My Hoi2 Finland AAR's save is dead... So I decided to fulfill my dream of doing a EU2 France AAR. In EU2, France is like Germany of Hoi2 so I hope you'll read this one too. My objective is to make the AAr easy to read and taht you my future readAARs won't run away because of heavy text and numerous plot twists. This AAR will be played to the end! After two AArs down with corrupted savegames, this one is going to finish (as the Jap AAR)!

Difficulty will be normal/normal. (I'm noob in EU2 :eek:o )
Campaign will be GC.
Country will be France.
The quality of the humour will be dependant on my mood.
No mods, no cheats, don't know what the exploits are so if I use any I won't care, I will be gamey and I will conquer Finland :) !

The first update will be published most probably today. If I encounter problems wth EU2 or get commanded off the computer by my sister (she doesn't have adobe photoshop on her comp and needs mine to mod her pictures, and because the computer I use is the whole family's, my mother she forces me to let my syster to use it whenever she wants to :( ...) it will delay the first update 'till tomorrow I recon.
 

coz1

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Good luck, Jacko. Good luck with France...and good luck commandeering the computer. ;)
 

Snake IV

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I'm on. Lets see where this ends up, exept for Finland. :)
 

EvilSanta

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Im going to follow this one closely,it has such promising name and all.We never have enough humor aars.
 

unmerged(45985)

Sweden the snabbmat nation
Jul 4, 2005
565
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dude2nm.jpg

Chapter I

A door opens into the royal bedroom, an advisor steps in, carrying two red fur capes and two heavy golden crowns with humongous jewels. In the bed there are two men, both are snoring loudly and the leftmost one’s pillow is wet with drool.

Advisor: WAKE UP MY HIGHNESSES!

King 1: Huh?!

King 2 (The drooling one): Zzzzz…

The advisor picks up the gilded bucket, which is obviously “gilded” with spray paint as the gilding is flaking off the handle, used in an “emergency” and tosses its contents on the sleeping man.

King 2 (still asleep): No mommy! I don’t want to! It’s Sunday! No school today!

The advisor proceeds to toss the bucket at his sleeping royalness, he wakes up.

King 2: What? I was having the best dream ever!

King 1: Dude, I don’t remember anything of last night!

King 2: Me neither. What’s your last memory?

King 1: What’s yours?

King 2: What’s yours?

The argument goes on, both men repeating the same question. The advisor buries his head into his hands.

King 1: Okay both say their last memory at the same time!

King 2: Okay.

King 1: 1…2…3… Now!

Both shout their answers loudly.

King 1: We went to a royal dinner and took wine!

King 2: That guy tossed me with a golden bucket!

King 1: Oh. Hey who’s that guy?

The advisor lifts his head when the two royalties give him their attention.

Advisor: Well, I am your advisor. And I’m here to tell you about the *sigh* state of your realm.

Both Kings: OUR REALM?!

Advisor: *sigh* You are the kings of France!

King 2: Oh! I didn’t know that!

King 1: Me neither!

King 2: I don’t know my name either!

King 1: Me neither!

King 2: I know your name!

King 1: And I know yours!

King 2: Tell me my name!

King 1: You tell me first!

King 2: No! You tell *me* first!

The advisor’s face turns red and froth starts pouring out of the advisors mouth.

Advisor: You idiots! It doesn’t matter who tells the other’s name first!

King 1 and 2: Yes it does!

Advisor: AAAAAARGH!

The advisor starts laughing like a madman and his pupils get a lot wider.

Advisor: No! Nothing matters at all! We are immortal! I can fly!

The advisor giggles like a maniac and jumps of the balcony. On the way down he screams: “I CAN’T FLY! HOLY S**T!” A metallic crash is heard and an explosion. The kings don’t notice as they are busy arguing who will say the other’s name first. A loud sound of factory machines working can be heard, metallic clanks and such. Steam erupts from the door as it opens and a sci-fi slide door type of sound can be heard. Another advisor, just like the one before steps from the door, with exactly the same items in his hands that the one before had.

King 1: No! You tell me first!

King 2: Dude, this is pointless. Let’s play rock, paper and scissors to determine who tells the name first.

King 1: Okay.

The two kings start playing rock, paper, scissors. The first twenty times both always do scissors, but on the twenty-first time the second king does paper.

King 1: Ha! You lose!

King 2: Best out of three!

King 1: No! Tell me my name!

King 2: Okay, your name is…

King 1: What is it?!!!

King 2: Wait a minute! I don’t know your name!

The first king thinks for a while.

King 1: I forgot your name while we were arguing.

Both kings look sad.

The advisor looks a bit irritated and points at the first king:

Advisor (voice shaking with rage): Your name is Ashtôn Kutcheur.

Then he points at the second king.

Advisor: And your name is Sean William Scotté.

Ashton and Sean: Sweet!

Advisor hands both a fur cape and a crown and they put them on. Then the advisor sets a map on the table.

Advisor: Here’s your country.

aaaranska4ch.jpg

Ashton: Which one?

Advisor slaps his own forehead with his hand and answers.

Advisor: The blue one you highness.

Sean: Oh!

Advisor: We are surrounded by enemies. Currently we are at war with England, Aragon, Brittany and Bourgogne. Bourbonnais, Auvergne, Provence and Orleans are our vassals and allies. Scotland is our ally too. All of our allies are puny minor countries that couldn't even stand being looked at by big powers like Hungary and... uh.. Hungary. Our army is miserable and we couldn’t win any major country with it. Strangely our allies have armies many time larger than ours. Our economy is also pissweak, our tax income is non-existent, and compared to it we don’t have trade, nor goods production income. You guys are incompetent rulers and that is why our military have a crappy morale and seriously you guys can’t handle any administrative tasks. And I don’t even want to talk about your diplomatic skills.

Ashton: What are you saying?

Advisor: THAT WE ARE DOOMED! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

The advisor takes a large battleaxe from the wall and starts chopping himself up. After chopping all his limbs off the advisor explodes, leaving only a puff of purple smoke and a pile of glitter. A guy with a greasy apron comes in with a broom and sweeps the glitter out from the balcony. Neither of the kings notice as they are busy looking at the map. Another advisor, identical to the next one enters the room and picks it up where the earlier one left it.

Advisor: I strongly advise you to leave all the planning to be left for the generals, but here’s a royal order you should sign.

The advisor hands the royal order and some other papers to the kings, the order orders the recruitment of any number of troops the generals see fit and beneath it there are two 500 ducat checks with only the kings’ signatures missing. Underneath them there are advertisements. Sean goes through the advertisements.

Sean: What’s viagra?

Advisor: Hey that’s spam mail! Don’t open it!!!

He grabs the papers off Sean’s hands ad throws them into a trash can.

Sean: Hey I was reading that! And they promised some sweet thing in there! And its all natural!

Advisor: Didn't you know that spam mail contains viruses? You could have contracted anthrax!

Ashton: What's anthrax?!

Advisro: D'Oh!

The advisor takes a moment to calm down.

Advisor: But, now we must go and tour the battlefields.
 
Last edited:

coz1

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I think you are going to go through quite a few advisors if this keeps up. ;)
 

unmerged(45985)

Sweden the snabbmat nation
Jul 4, 2005
565
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Thank god that they have that cloning machine or France would be on the road to destruction. Imagine Ashtôn and Sean leading a country.

*gasp*

:eek:

:wacko:

*BOOM and a purple cloud of smoke appears, the computer chair is now decorated by a pile of glitter*
 

AKjeldsen

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I have no idea who these people are, but it's great anyway. I project that production of replacement advisors will have a serious negative impact on the national budget of France in the future, though. :D
 

unmerged(45985)

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Jul 4, 2005
565
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What?! You dont know Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott! Dude, you have missed some "great" movies! Well, basically they are both actors who do parts in stupid teen comedies (Dude, where's my car?, American Pies, etc...) and they always play the idiotic guy who says: "dude" or "sweet" or "awesome!" and smokes weed (latter probably not included in the AAR due to kannabis not being grown in 15th century Europe). And all I can say is that there will be more...
 

EvilSanta

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"You got tattoo!"
"You too!What does it say?"
"Dude,how bout mine?"
"Sweet,how bout mine?"
"Dude,how bout mine?"
"Sweet,how bout mine?"
"Dude,how bout mine?"
"Sweet,how bout mine?"

And it goes on and on...

It was pretty hilarious movie.Im embarassed to admit it.

This aar is looking good,keep up the awesomeness!
 

unmerged(17581)

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This is going to be great!

This already is great!
 

unmerged(45985)

Sweden the snabbmat nation
Jul 4, 2005
565
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dude2nm.jpg


Chapter II

A crowd had gathered around a royal messenger in a little town, somewhere in France. The town’s name is so difficult to pronounce, even for the Frenchmen, that nobody knows it. The villagers are of the poor mud eating sort, who fear the god and (secretly) hate the king. They have tens upon tens of dirty little children and the only way you could die in a traffic accident here is to get run over a mob of screaming little children. Some puddles of blood and limbs that someone was now missing proved that some unlucky one had suffered this horrible fate and now decorated the village with a grotesque atmosphere. The only thing that was more numerous than the children were the pigs. The most common way for the mobs of children to die around here was to get run over a ten time larger mob of free-roaming pigs. Nature had it ways. But back to the messenger:

Messenger: FOR FIVE YEARS! FRANCE’S SOLDIERS HAVE FOUGHT AGAINST THE ENGLISH PIGS…

A man in the crowd: WHAT?! You are insulting pigs right now!

Another man in the crowd: We don’t like your kind around ‘ere boy!

Messenger: FOR GOD’S SAKE PEOPLE! OKAY! ENGLISMEN ARE DOGS!

A little girl: But I like dogs…

Studio audience: Awwwwwww…

Messenger: Shut up you! THE ENGLISHMEN ARE LIKE RATS!

Someone in the crowd: I like rats I think!

Someone else: No you don’t. They’re the ones with scales and they swim in the water and the guys from the neighbouring village eat them. Those bastards!

Crowd: Oooooh! We don’t like rats in ‘ere! NONONONONO!

The messenger brightens up when the argument ends.

Messenger: FOR THREE YEARS! FRANCE’S SOLDIERS HAVE FOUGHT AGAINST THE ENGLISH *RATS*! WE HAVE GAINED MANY CITIES, BUT THE SCURVY DOGS OF ARAGON HAVE TAKEN…

The little girl (demonic voice): BUT I LIKE DOGS!

A villager: But, you see possessed little girl, dogs are bad if they have scurvy…

Possessed little girl: BURN IN HELL’S FLAMES MORTAL!

The little girl throws a fireball at the villager, who lights up in flames and turns into ash. Suddenly a bunch of people with monk robes, huge crosses, gilded (again, gold spray paint…) bibles and a guy who mumbles something in Latin and then hits himself in the head with a plank.

Inquisitor: AAH! It’s the devil! *Throws the girl with holy water, nothing happens*

Possessed little girl: MWHAHAHAHHA! NEVER TRUST THE GIFT SHOPS!

Inquisitor: Dammit! I couldn’t know that that Arabic looking guy didn’t sell real holy water. *tosses a cross at the little girl*

Possessed little girl: AAAAARGH!

The little girl deflects the cross with a slash from her teddy bear.

Possessed little girl: YOU CANNOT KILL ME MORTAL!

The inquisitor tosses a bible at the girl.

Possessed little girl: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The bible hits the girl, nothing happens, the girl picks up the bible.

Possessed little girl: MUAHAHHAHA! THIS IS THE DIRECTORS CUT EDITION! IT’S OVERPRICED AND IT SUCKS!

Inquisitor: OH NO! I thought that it was expensive. There is only one thing that I can do!

The Inquisitor takes a book wrapped in oily and dirty clothes from his backpack.

Inquisitor: Behold! Dr. Phil’s book: “Learn to love yourself by buying my sponsors’ products!”

Crowd: *GASP*

Studio audience: Booooooo!

Inquisitor: Cover your eyes! This is too much for mere mortals to see! The feeling of self love may be overwhelming for you!

The inquisitor opens the rags and a divine light shines from the book.

Possessed little girl: AAAAAAAH! NO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!

Dr. Phil’s divine voice: You must love yourself!

The possessed little girl explodes into pieces and blood and guts rains on the crowd.

Crowd: *cheers*

The inquisition people disappear to the local village pub.

Messenger: If anyone ever interrupts me again I will say “Ni”!

Crowd: NOT “Ni”!

Messenger: FOR THREE YEARS! FRANCE’S SOLDIERS HAVE FOUGHT AGAINST THE ENGLISH *RATS*! WE HAVE GAINED MANY CITIES, BUT THE SCURVY DOGS OF ARAGON HAVE TAKEN GUYENNE! OUR NOBLE FORCES ARE NOW BESIEGING THE INVADED CITY AND ARAGON ITSELF HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY OUR PUNY ALLIES. THE ASS LICKING COWARDS OF BRITTANY ARE SUNDUED BY FRENCH FORCES AND SOON WE HAVE TAKEN AWAY ALL OF THE FRENCH LAND ENGLAND STILL HOLDS IN HIS DIRTY RATLIKE HANDS!

Crowd: *Wild cheers*

Messenger: Thank you! *bows*

The messenger steps to the muddy road and is halfway across to his horse when he can see great clouds of mud in the distance.

Mob of children: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Messenger: What is that?

Crowd: RUN FORREST RUN!

Messenger: Huh?

Mob of Children: WHAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Messenger looks at the mob which is just few meters away from him.

Messenger: HOLY SH…!

His screams drown to the stomping of hundreds little feet, after the children have gone the messenger is just a part of the grotesque décor of the village.

------------------------------------------------

1st of November 1422

Sean and Ashton are touring the battlefields with their advisor. Now they are in Guyenne overseeing the siege.

Sean: This is boring! Why can’t we fight?

Advisor: Sir, those swords are cheap plastic reproductions that are made in China. Our nation is so poor that we can’t afford to buy you real gilded swords.

Sean: *sob*

They survey the battlefield. The candy green grass around the city is littered with bodies and there is blood everywhere. If the French soldiers aren’t dead they are badly wounded and many of the soldiers miss limbs, most of the miss more than one. An unwounded soldier walks up to the kings.
He looks familiar to Ashton and Sean, but they can’t remember who he is:

bradpitt4wv.jpg

Strange guy: Hey fellas!

Ashton and Sean: Who are you?

Advisor: This is Brad Pitté of Auvergne. A famous warlord and the scourge of the Aragonians!

Ashton: That name sounds familiar.

Brad: Can’t you remember me? Back in the 21st century we were friends! *starts to cry*

Sean: We can’t really remember, must be temporary amnesia.

Brad: *stops crying* Yeah. Can’t you really remember? We went to that guy’s birthday. I can’t recall his name, because I’ve been around here from the 12th century and I seem to be immortal. But anyways he invited all celebrities there. And you guys sure did drink a lot. *chuckles*

Ashton: Waitwaitwait. You know who we are? Because we can’t remember anything since three years ago. One morning we just woke up as the kings of France.

Brad: Damn, that blow must have been a hard one.

Sean: What blow?

An Englishman that lies dead next to Pitté stands up on one foot. He has no arms and one foot. There are at least two spears stuffed through his body and his head looks like a pincushion with many arrows.

Invincible Englishman: ARR!

The Englishman proceeds to kick Brad to the balls with his only foot. Brad whimpers and is unable to do nothing.

Sean: Dude!

Ashton: Awesome!

Brad dies, because the Englishman forgets to put his foot down after the ball-kicking and falls down on him and pierces him with the spears in accident.

Invincible Englishman: I didn’t mean it!

Brad *I death throes*: The name! I remember the name! The name of the guy who did this to you!

Ashton and Sean: What?

Brad: His name is *coughs up blood*… * Ungh… *dies*

Ashton: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sean: Now we can’t ever know what happened to us!

Ashton: What’s 21st century?

Advisor: It’s a part of the time-space continuation will happen in the future.

Ashton: Oh.

A light bulb lights above Sean’s and Ashton’s heads.

Ashton: Heyyy! I feel a lot smarter right now!

Sean (British aristocrat accent): I presume that my diplomatic, administrative and military skills have grown.

Ashton: *high pitched voice* Me too! *quickly corrects to a low aristocratic tone* I do as well, dear Sean.

The advisor has gotten emotional and he dries the corners of his eyes.

Advisor (emotional voice): Thank god! It finally happened! We have better monarchs!
 
Last edited:

unmerged(45985)

Sweden the snabbmat nation
Jul 4, 2005
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Duke of Wellington, HannibalBarca, Evilsanta and Anonymous4401:

Thank you all. Keep reading and commenting. If something isn't funny and is tacky then just tell me and I'll be able to avoid such atrocities in this AAR :eek: .
 

Saulta

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This is great, especially the last part with the lamp above their heads, :rofl:
 

EvilSanta

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Wheres Zoltan?We want Zoltan *makes that mark with hands*

Pretty nonsensicial aar and I like it!