Drunk on Burgundy
Chapter 9: Duking It Out
To war! On March 27th 1114 the order was sent out to mobilise the host, and the various armies marched to Geneve excluding the Neuchatel regiment, which was to guard against the possibility of the Valaisish (Valaisian?) army reaching the city before the main bulk of the force reached Valais. Finally, on May 18th, war was declared, which again triggered a wider conflict between the French and Germans.
There was much surprise when the main Bourgonian army found Valais unguarded when they arrived on July 5th, with Eudes later learning of a battle at Neuchatel. The battle had no proper conclusion, as 19 days later Valais was added to the Duchy of Bourgogne.
Valais peace.
Preparing for a major struggle against the Germans, Eudes ordered a march to Wurttemberg. However, the march was cut short when a German emissary offered a white peace, which was swiftly accepted.
Cowards!
A day after the peace, August 8th, work begun to expand the hill-fort at Valais. It was also on this day that Duke Eudes “suddenly realised” he could make himself Duke of Savoie, which he does. For several months he went around demanding people call him by his full title, which was very irritating for the courtiers of Eudes, Duke of Bourgogne and Savoie.
Eudes, Duke of Bourgogne and Savoie
Provinces that make up the new title.
On October 20th 1114, Antoinette, daughter of Robert and Leounora got married to some guy from Luxembourg. The end of the year saw repeated requests from the King of France to mobilise the host:
King’s Messenger: The King demands that you mobilise in his service.
Eudes: What! The Duchy is at peace, and everyone knows I am a peace-lover (ahem)! Go away!
A day later:
Messenger: Hi, I’m back.
Eudes: (exasperated) Which part of “go away” does the King not understand!
Messenger: I think it may be the “go”…
Eudes: I’m starting to get a bit miffed with this King. My loyalty is down to 30%!
Messenger: (confused) what?
Eudes: Oh, never mind.
After a while the King requested mobilisation once every two months, and every time it was denied. Kings, who’d have them? The first event and indeed the only event of 1115 was the outbreak of dysentery in Dijon, which wasn’t very nice. May of 1116 saw the completion of a small castle in Valais, which made Eudes look pretty good. July was notable for a huge battle between the French and Germans at Nevers, where the French were defeated. On September 14th a group of nobles petitioned Eudes, demanding Prima Noctae rights. Eudes agreed, mostly because he didn’t know what Prima Noctae rights actually were.
February 7th 1117: Robert, Ademar’s son, received a court education. There was drama in August when some guy who Eudes didn’t even know was in the court was excommunicated. He turned out to be an insane heretic called Adhemar d’Angouleme.
In September of that year Eudes called in at Lyon to see how his son, Etienne’s family was doing. It turned out that Hugues, his eldest, was a depressed lunatic. However, more serious was the fact that he was dead. Etienne wasn’t doing too well, only having one surviving son, whose name was Aymar.
In February 1118, they got the two fields system in Auxerre. They are now eagerly awaiting the expansion pack for this, the three fields system. On June 9th a road was built in Valais, and on July 18th a blacksmith in Neuchatel got his measurements wrong, thus inventing the shortsword. On August 13th, Adhemar d’Angouleme, the insane excommunicated heretic, believes he could be a better chaplain. Seriously. No, really, this actually happened. He is of course appointed diocese bishop by an amused Eudes. Just imagine the sermons!
In December of 1118 one of Eudes’ million or so brothers died, I forget which one. The new year saw Dora, daughter of Hugues and Paola, become an intricate webweaver. She is nicknamed Shelob. Nothing much else happened in this year until s September, when Ursula (Henri’s wife) got schizophrenia. Rather ominously, she became good mates with Chancellor Ademar. In October, the grass in Charolais went a funny colour of yellow. Most people considered this offensive terrain. December saw the beginning of minor merchant houses in Valais, which was nice because previously merchants under five feet tall had nowhere to live.
On January 18th 1120, there was an unfortunate incident where schizophrenic Ursula killed her youngest daughter, Blanche. On February 1st Colonel Sanders arrived in Neuchatel, and gave the locals access to the forbidden knowledge of chickens. On March 19th, a small castle was begun in Neuchatel, built by the locals in honour of Colonel Sanders, their new god. Eudes was greatly saddened by news in August that the insane excommunicated heretic Diocese Bishop, Adhemar d’Angouleme, had defected to another court.
October 27th 1120: Chancellor Ademar was sitting in his chamber, settling down to write his weekly letter to Satan:
Dear Satan,
I have just realised that I am the mes-
When suddenly he was confronted with this:
Ademar: Wow, a talking paperclip!
Paperclip: Call me Clippy.
Ademar: Oh wise and venerable Clippy, I am your humble servant!
Clippy: Cool! Right, I advise you to invest. Invest, invest invest!!!
Ademar: Ok. But first help me write this letter.
Not long after this Eudes handed over the duties of Chancellor to Dora (stats 11, 8, 8, 5), who was bright, gifted and most importantly sane (well, as sane as anyone was in these days.) However, no one informed Ademar, which led to him getting a nasty injury when diplomatic talks with the elves that lived under the stairs went pear-shaped.
Nothing happened for the first nine months of 1121. However, on October 23rd a small castle was completed in Valais. On October 29th, Eudes announced to his courtiers that he had bought a mysterious document from an old soothsayer, and unbelievably it proved that Bourgogne had a legitimate claim on Besancon. His courtiers just sighed and left. 1121 ended with the disturbing news that Germany had finally won their epic war with France, taking Orleans. The most disturbing aspect of this was that it made the map look ugly, which greatly upset the Guild of Cartographers.
Do the Clippy Clippy Shake!