Drunk on Burgundy - A de Bourgogne AAR

[Fiftypence]

Drunk on Burgundy

This is the story of how the humble de Bourgogne dynasty became masters of Europe. My primary aim is to create the kingdom of Burgundy, and then to become king of anywhere else I can find. This is my first AAR, so go easy

Settings:
Realm: Duchy of Bourgogne
Scenario: 1066
Patch: The most recent beta 1.04b (3rd February I think)

I have created Burgundy before but the beta patch means the easiest route is blocked off (inheriting Provence). Adalys de Provence is no more, and the Duke of Provence is now 20 with a 19 year old wife Therefore. it will be a bit more tricky! First proper update later tonight (tomorrow morning at the very latest).

 

[Farquharson]

Cool! The Duchy of Burgundy was what I chose for my play-around-to-learn-the-basics game and I enjoyed it, even though I never inherited Provence. I just grabbed neighbouring bits of France at random and (probably by sheer fluke) the King always seemed to take my side. I look forward to following this!

EDIT: Shucks, look - this is my 800th post!

 

[stnylan]

Should be fun.

(aside: congrats Col Farquharson )

 

[Fiftypence]

Drunk on Burgundy

The lands of the de Bourgogne family

Chapter 1: In the beginning

The main characters:

Robert I de Bourgogne (57), Duke of Borgogne. Known to be a cruel, lazy, scholarly theologian. He is generally regarded as being a decent Duke when he can be bothered. He enjoys killing pets, which is good, as everyone should have a hobby. Just don’t mention the incident with the tortoise…

Henri (32), Marshal, and Robert’s eldest. He is considered by many to be chaste despite his seven children. He is married to Sybilla de Barcelona.

Robert II (27), the Duke’s second son. He has very little personality but his prowess in battle has given him a reputation as being a tough soldier.

Simon (27), Robert I’s shame. He is selfish, lazy and cowardly. Most people agree that the world would be a better place if he did not exist. Simon, needless to say, did not share this view.

Constance (21), Steward and the Duke’s eldest daughter. She loves to get revenge on those who have slighted her, but always gets Spy Mistress Sybilla to do it for her, due to her trusting nature.

Hildegarde (17), Chancellor and Robert’s youngest daughter. Strangely, her voice broke when she was thirteen and has given her a reputation as a gruff diplomat.

Sybilla de Barcelona (32), Spy Mistress and wife of Henri. As a mother of seven she has difficulty balancing out the double burden of motherhood and cold-blooded murder.

December 27th 1066: The de Bourgogne family is sitting round an unusually large table (to accommodate Henri and Sybilla’s seven children), when Duke Robert stands up to make a speech
Robert I: Everybody, I have a very important announcement
Henri: (Hopefully) You’re abdicating?
Robert II: You’ve not killed another horse, have you?
Simon: (sarcastically) What do you think we’re eating?
Robert I: What, no, no and no! My announcement is that I have changed the laws of inheritance. We now have Semisalic Consanguinity… (blank looks). It means the strongest heir will inherit.
Henri: Why bother, it doesn’t change anything… does it?
Robert I: Um, actually, yes it does. It means that the Duchy will go to Robert II.
Henri: You bastard pet killer! I hate you!
Robert I: Be quiet!
Henri: Yes father.

Elsewhere, little Helie de Bourgogne, daughter of Henri is sent to be a nun.
Helie: But I don’t want to be a nun
Henri: Sure you do.
Helie: No I don’t. Really.
Henri: Really? Damn! (Helie bursts into tears).

In March 1067 Duke Robert goes to visit his vassal Guillame de Nevers to revoke from him the county of Nevers
Robert: Pretty please?
Guillame: No
Robert: Ah, go on.
Guillame: No
Robert: Fine, be like that! (storms out).

Not much else happens for the rest of the year. There is, however, much excitement when work begins on a forestry in Charolais. Greenpeace show up but are got rid of with a catapult.

 

[Fiftypence]

Farquharson: Provence just seemed obvious, but that was in those good old days of 1.04a (I prefer the beta patch though). I'm gonna need my Spy Mistress a bit more this time around.

Stnylan: I hope it's fun, too!

Btw, any suggestions on how to get the image actually in the post? Any help would be most appreciated. I may update again tomorrow, but most likely I will be updating at the weekend (when I have time to play). This is my first AAR so if my style is similar to anyone elses, take it as a compliment!

 

[stnylan]

Sybilla de Barcelona (32), Spy Mistress and wife of Henri. As a mother of seven she has difficulty balancing out the double burden of motherhood and cold-blooded murder.

I would ahev thought that, with seven children, Sybilla should have no difficulting balancing anything with cold-blooded murder

Just curious - what was your reason for going consanguinity?

 

[stnylan]

on how to get the image actually in the post? Any help would be most appreciated.

Click on the image tab in the reply box (it's the mostly yellow square with what looks like a mtn) and enter in the url - I think.

 

[Fiftypence]

Stnylan: Changing to consanguinity was the first thing I did, with the intention of marrying the single Robert II to Adalys de Provence. This was before the first post of the AAR, so I was a bit peeved that the de Provence family had been changed in the beta! I think it's a decision I may regret. I could have started again but you never know, it may turn out alright.

About the image, I think that's what I did and got the link, rather than the image outright.

 

[Farquharson]

Just enclose the image address in IMG tags, as follows:
{IMG}http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y28/Edcobban/bg2.bmp{/IMG}
but with [] instead of {}

Another tip - can you save the image as jpeg instead of bmp? It makes the file much smaller and faster to download/appear.

 

[Fiftypence]

Drunk on Burgundy

Chapter 2: Marriages and deaths (well, one of each at least)

Duke Robert I (stats 4, 7, 8, 6)

In January 1068, the de Bourgogne family mourned the passage of Simon, the selfish lazy coward. Of course, the fact he had died three months earlier was neither here nor there.

To be honest, 1068 was a pretty boring year. In April the town of Dijon decided they liked the idea of cutting down trees for money and so started work on their own forestry. In August there was much excitement when some guy in Charolais found that a hammer could be used for war, thus discovering the warhammer.

In early 1069, there was some highly annoying news from Upper Lorraine:
Messenger: I have miserable tidings, my Lord.
Robert I: Yes I can see.
Messenger: What?!
Robert I: Never mind
Messenger: Anyway, I come to tell thee that the Duke of Upper Lorraine has passed away.
Robert I: That’s a bugger and no mistake.

February 1069: It was decided that a new target should be found for peaceful expansion, and in a clandestine mission Chancellor Hildegarde was sent to the Duchy of Poitou:
Hildegarde: Hi, Mr Duke of Poitou guy.
Guillame D’Aquitaine: Yes, what do you want?
Hildegarde: How about a marriage between your ONLY daughter and the de Bourgogne heir?
Guillame: Sounds splendid.
Hildegarde: If you’d just sign here…
Guillame: Sure. Um, you know how I haven’t got any sons…
Hildegarde: Yep.
Guillame: And how my wife is pregnant…
Hildegarge: What!! Oh bugger.

Luckily, this bad news was unable to spoil the happy day. Robert II was very pleased to be getting married, as Agnes D’Aquitaine was a renowned beauty. Agnes, however, was understandably a bit miffed. However, upon their first proper meetings they fell in love:
Robert II: Hello.
Agnes: Hello.
Robert II: So, what are your interests?
Agnes: Nothing much.
Robert II: Me too!

The lovely Agnes (stats 5, 8, 6, 5)

Robert II (stats 9, 6, 5, 5)

In July an urgent message arrived for Duke Robert:
Messenger: DEUS VULT!!
Robert I: Not today, thank you.

There was much laughing and pointing when news arrived that Guillame Duke of Poutou and his 35 year old wife had had a daughter. More good news followed when Robert II and Agnes announced they were expecting in February of 1070.

November 1070: Robert and Agnes have a daughter. Must try harder.


ooc: Inheriting Poitou wasn’t quite what I had in mind but it is half of France! Seeing as the game is about Burgundy I will not grab any King titles until I have Burgundy under my belt. Also thanks for all help with pictures!
In general I will only update at weekends so next update will be friday at the earliest

 

[stnylan]

Ahh, the good ol' Agnes manoeuvre. Should provide a good base so long as there are no more unwanted pregancies.

 

[coz1]

Yes, she's quite the looker, isn't she? It seems despite the set backs on the beta changes, you are doing pretty well. And I have laughed a few times while reading. All in all, a good read thus far. Keep it up!

 

[Fiftypence]

Stnylan: If there are any more pregnancies then I'm sure my Spy Mistress will be appreciative of the work!

Coz1: Yes, I'm still getting used to the changes in the beta. Getting Burgundy as my primary title seems a very long way off.

Update later tonight.

 

[Fiftypence]

Drunk on Burgundy

Chapter 3: 1071-1077

Part 1: Poitou Lookin’ At? A Comedy

As has been thus noted in this memorable history, we left our beloved de Bourgogne’s with a new member of the family, but not the son that Robert and Agnes were hoping for. In February 1071 enough money was scraped together to begin work on a Court of Justice, which greatly pleased the Burghers:

Burgher: Finally, those villainous rogues who steal our money will be hanged like the dogs they are!
Duke Robert: Mmm, Burghers!

November 6th 1071: Young Renaud, son of Henri, is sent to the monastery so as to hide his unfortunate hunchback. Beware, today a hunchback, tomorrow an insane, murderous hunchback. Needless to say, the monks were to keep a close eye on him (mostly, it has to be said, on his hump.)

The first months of 1072 passed relatively peacefully until it was brought to Robert’s attention the Hildegarde, Chancellor of the Duchy, had taken an interest in wild parties. So, deciding to spy on one of these affairs, he hid in a closet and watched with horror the debauchery and dangerous talk that ensued:

Partygoer: So, what about the diplomatic situation in the Spanish peninsula?
Hildegarde: (wildly) Yes, it is troublesome. There are fears that the Moors could totally overrun the poor devils.

Robert could not hide his disgust and amazement. His daughter was having politics parties!!!! So, staggering up (for he had had quite a lot to drink) he burst out of the closet and proceeded to moderate poor Hildegarde, much to the amusement and delight of her political friends. Needless to say, there were no more parties (due to her embarrassment).

July 18th 1072: Guillame, Duke of Poitou and his wife are expecting a child. She’s 38 for heaven’s sake!

 

[Fiftypence]

Drunk on Burgundy

Part 2: A Tragedy.

As 1073 rolled into view, there were problems in the realm:

Robert II: So, are you pregnant.
Agnes: (mournfully) No
Robert II: Oh. Shall we try again?
Agnes: (dolefully) OK

However, despite months upon months of procreational activity, no heir was apparent. Duke Robert sat pondering these developments, while stroking (strangling?) his pet cat that was sat upon his knee. Suddenly a messenger burst in, and the poor cat breathed it’s last.

Messenger: (out of breath) my Lord!
Robert: Look what you’ve done to my cat! You could knock!
Messenger: (looking down) Eurgh! Anyway, I have received news that the Duke and Duchess have had a son.
Robert: (is silent, then bursts out laughing) That’s very good, I like a joke. I’m not going to fall for another April fools gag. Not after last year…
Messenger: Uh, I’m not joking…

April 8th 1073: Some good news. Hugues, eldest son of Henri became a knowledgeable tactician.

May 30th 1073: Robert was in secret meeting with Spy Mistress Sybilla:

Robert I: You know what has to be done.
Sybilla: Indeed, but he’s only a little baby! So far (God knows how!) I’ve managed to live my life without killing a child. But I’ll do it.
Robert I: Don’t let me down. Remember what is at stake.

On June 2nd, news reached the court of the murder of the Duke of Poitou’s son. There was no doubting who was responsible, and as a result Duke Robert lost much prestige and piety.

June 14th: More bad news, this time an outbreak of dysentery in Dijon.

November 1073: Sybilla has more success in her efforts when Charles de Forez, only son of the count of Forez dies in mysterious circumstances.

December: It had been a hard day for Robert II. Yet again Agnes had not fallen pregnant, and it had got to the stage where the advice of physicians was needed. Yawning, he entered his room, only to behold an empty bed. “Agnes?” he murmured, surprised not to see her there. He scratched his head, and felt the hairs on the back of his head stand on end. Something was deeply wrong; he could sense it in his bones. Looking around the room, he could see nothing, and so thought it must be all in his imagination. However, as he stumbled towards bed there was a metallic sound like that of a knife being unsheaved, and before he knew what was happening there was a pain in his side, then blackness. And so ended the life of Robert II, husband of Agnes and heir to the Duchy of Bourgogne.

Henri, who once had been heir to the Duchy, was heir once again. Agnes, in shock and disgust at her parents remained in Bourgogne, and consented to a marriage between her and Eudes, second son of Henri, purely out of spite. So, all hope was not lost, Bougogne and Poitou could yet be united.

Eudes de Bougogne (stats 9, 7, 6, 9)

November 1074: Royal Post begun in Charolais.

December 1074: Despite the dysentery, towns and hamlets have grown significantly in Dijon and is thus considered rich. No one is quite sure how this is possible.

January 24th 1075: Young Robert de Bourgogne, son of Henri, celebrated finishing his education by holding a wild politics party, and managed to keep it a secret from his aging grandfather Duke Robert. Because of this he became a grey eminence, with 14 diplomacy rating.

November 1075: Dysentery in Charolais. Things are going from worse to even more worse.

In February 1076 Robert mourned the passing of his second wife Ermengarde D’Anjou. He was not to marry again. Meanwhile, the monastic hunchback finally realised he had several years before been isolated by his parents in a monastery. Thus he became lazy, but had the good grace to be honest about it:

Renaud: Yep, I’m a lazy hunchback. So sue me!

Later that year, some secret documents came to light that Agnes had a very low fertility score (as if it weren’t obvious!). Thus, with a heavy heart, Duke Robert made sure that his widow was to follow him into afterlife.

September 14th 1077: Duke Robert dies of old age. The old guy is fondly remembered by all excepting any of his several thousand pets. It is his dying wish that he is buried in the… Pet Cemetery (cue scary music), thus confirming that he was a pretty creepy guy. And so concludes this part of the history.

Henri de Bourgogne, new Duke of Bourgogne (stats 9. 5. 9. 5)

 

[coz1]

Still keeping up with decent Marshall stats. Seems quite a bit of killing is going on. Watch for that kinslayer trait.

 

[Fiftypence]

Much killing yes, but not de Bourgognes. Robert II was assassinated by the Duchy of Poitou in revenge for me assassinating their son, in case that wasn't clear (which, I admit, it wasn't). o

 

[stnylan]

Assassination wars are lovely. There is rather a run of bad luck there.

 

[unmerged(10727)]

Finally had a chance to check this out. Probably my favorite part so far was the "we don't want any" response to "Deus Volt!" although the wild political parties complete with dangerous talk is a close second.

I am a little worried about all the assassination, but sometimes it has to be done. Of course if they get buried in the Pet Cemetary they have a way of coming back...

 

[Fiftypence]

Paranoid Tsar: When your 22 year old Chancellor gets an event like that it can only be considered ridiculous. Hopefully the assassinations have come to an end for the time being, but getting my hands on those Burgundian territories may require my Spy Mistress to come out of retirement... Oh, and thanks for reading