Don't Mess With the Ram! - A Gotland AAR [Possibly screenshot heavy]

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Don't Mess With the Ram!​

A Gotland AAR​

The single reason Gotland once flourished with trade, is that Gotlanders are sheep.
- Unknown chronicle writer​

Disclaimer: I have nothing against Gotlanders. Gotland is a marvelous place to visit in the summer, with a rich cultural and historical heritage. I can confirm that Gotlanders are hospitable and have a very pleasant dialect. As a fellow Swede, I would say that the joke is on me.​

Prolouge


On a dark and rainy October night, in the year of Our Lord 1399, there were two shady figures lurking around Königsberg. They remained unseen by the Teutonic guards as they passed into the residence of the Grand Master, partly because of their sneaking skills, but mostly thanks to the degree of intoxication of the guards.

As they sneaked through the castle, they shortly found the object which they had come for. There had been wild rumours of the Hochmeister being in possession of a magical device, such as the one they now had in front of them, but now it was confirmed.

With no time to loose, they fired it up.

Shady Figure #1: Ah, so the hypocritical Grand Master of the Teutonic Order has a taste for pagan magic! Who would've guessed that a holy man, and of a degree such as his, would even consider to use these things?

A bunch of loading screen came and went on the monitor in front of them. As the last loading screen faded out, they were all set to operate the device.

Shady Figure #2: Right. Err, how do I do this again?

Shady Figure #1: Use the mouse.

Shady Figure #2: Mouse?

Shady Figure #1: That plastic thing with a scroll wheel and a cord coming out of it.

Shady Figure #2: ???

Shady Figure #1: Oh, this bloody thing here! *points*

Shady Figure #2: Right. Okay, where do I go from here?

Shady Figure #1: Single player. No, single player. Yes, right there.

Shady Figure #1: Now click on the surface of the realm of the Teutonic Order.

Shady Figure #1: ...

Shady Figure #1: No, that's Pommerania! Oh my God! You didn't pay much attention during the geography lessons did you?

Shady Figure #2: It's not easy, this...

Shady Figure #1: We just sailed from Gotland, eastward, to end up on the mainland of the Teutonic order. Now, if you can manage to find Gotland on this digital, accurate map, and then click on the country directly east of the island, across the baltic sea, then you would have found the right nation, wouldn't you?

Shady Figure #1: ...

Shady Figure #1: I can't believe this. You don't know east from west. Amazing! You just clicked Sweden. You know what? Just click on freakin' Gotland itself, it's apart of the Teutonic Order.

Shady Figure #2: Ah, found it!

Shady Figure #1: *sigh* Actually that's Ösel, but never mind, you got the right country anyway... Please hurry and click Play.

Shady Figure #2: Alright, we're in. What now?

Shady Figure #1: It's a piece of cake from here. Just click the shield in the upper left corner.

Shady Figure #2: Okay, hang on. Think I've got it... Wait for it...

Shady Figure #1: NO NO no no no..! Okay, gently now, click "Rather not". NO! Not that one, the one on the left, yes left. Click it! *phew*

Shady Figure #2: Where did you say it was again?

Shady Figure #1: You know what? I'll handle it, move away. You are not by any means allowed to touch this device again! EVER!

*click*

*click*

*click*

Shady Figure #1: See, that was easy. We're done. I'm just going to lace up my boot and then we are out of here.

The more clever shady figure of the two bends over to tie his boot.

Shady Figure #1: ...

Shady Figure #1: What are you doing?

Shady Figure #2: Just checking some stuff out.

Shady Figure #1: Did I not tell you not to touch that thing?

Shady Figure #2: I know, but wouldn't it be fun to have the Grand Master wake up next morning and realize, somehow, for a reason he just can't figure out, his nation is a bit more innovative than the day before?

Shady Figure #1: We're supposed to be shady, not as indescrete as two elephants on roller-skates!

Shady Figure #2: Roller-skates?

Shady Figure #1: Never mind...

Some say Gotland is a small, poor, nation because of the incapable rule of Denmark, and lately the Teutonic Order. That the once wealthy vassal of Sweden and big shot in the Hanseatic League, had it's wealth drained by greedy Danish kings and holy economic idiots that are called Teutonic Grand Masters...

However, as the two shady figures sneak out of both the Teutonic capital, and the history books, we put the gathered IQ of the shady founding fathers of Gotland into the equation and realize that the Gotlanders got a nation pretty much as backwards as they deserved.

 

[Sir Kenny]

The single reason Gotland once flourished with trade, is that Gotlanders are sheep.
- Unknown chronicle writer

:rofl:

Eagerly waiting for another update!

 

[dinofs]

An excellent beginning. Subscribed.

 

[Sans-culotte]

Ha ha, I love it! :rofl: :rofl:

More!

And subscribed!

 

[CatKnight]

You would think the Hochmeister would know to put a password on his pagan magic devices.

 

[morningSIDEr]

Love the start, I'll be following this. I just hope Shady Figure #2 does not get to control Gotland too much...

 

[unmerged(60489)]

:rofl:

Eagerly waiting for another update!

It's coming

An excellent beginning. Subscribed.

Well, thanks to Shady Figure #1 it was. Who would know what had happen, had the Gotlanders decided to send only one spy to the Teutonics...!

Ha ha, I love it! :rofl: :rofl:

More!

And subscribed!

More is indeed coming.

You would think the Hochmeister would know to put a password on his pagan magic devices.

Err, well... The Hochmeister did not think about that, okay?!

Love the start, I'll be following this. I just hope Shady Figure #2 does not get to control Gotland too much...

The last section of the prologue clearly states that the two shady figures sneaked out of the history books, so I doubt that will ever happen

 

[unmerged(181085)]

Very nice start, can't wait for another update!

 

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Chapter I - Suddenly, Something Went Terribly Wrong

Chapter I - Suddenly, Something Went Terribly Wrong​

Lord, may our enemies not have enough wool to dress themselves and remain bare skinned, so that we may reap the benefits.
- Gotlandic prayer​

In The Year of Our Lord 1399

Bourgeoisie Chairman: I hereby proclaim the annual meeting of the Bourgeoisie Council of Visby opened!

Random burgher: Yaaay...

Bourgeoisie Chairman: As you all know, Gotland was once a proud nation of trade and prosperity. During the Viking age, our island became a wealthy nation due to trade, and we were an autonomous part of the Swedish realm, minding our own business... Well, that is until 1361, when the Danes showed up...

Burghers: Danes? Booooooooh!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Thank you, thank you! As you all know, the reign of the danes lasted until just five years ago, when bloodthirsty priates of the Baltic Sea occupied Visby, which in turn lead to the Teutonic invasion,
trying to get rid of the pirates, last year...

Burghers: Teutons?! Boooooooh!!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: What if I told you... That I've come up with a plan that will make us burghers rule Gotland once again. The last time we did so, was under the protection of Sweden. If we would become a vassal of the
Teutonic Order, this would mean we could once again focus on our trade!

Burghers: ...

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Bear with me! The plan of which I just told you has already been commenced. Right now, I am awaiting a messager to arrive, to tell us that we are once again free to mind our own business.

Burghers: ??

Then, the doors of the council chamber slammed open, and in walked a man dressed in robes and miter. In his hand, he had a crosier.

Random Burgher: A cleric?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Who are you to disrupt this meeting of the mighty Bourgeoisie?

Cleric: I am the bishop of Gotland, that's who I am!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Be gone old man! This is a council of worldly matters, not holy!

Bishop: But I am here because of wordly matters, young chairman.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: ...

Bishop: I was told that Gotland had declared itself autonomous of the Teutonic Order, is that not correct?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Well, yes it is, but..

Bishop: So I will rule Gotland from now on, yes?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Gotland should be ruled by a council of burghers and flourish from trade! These demands that you bring forth here, they are outrageous, old man!

Bishop: No, it's just the rules of the game.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Rules? What rules?!

Bishop: Well, have a look at your letter of independence! *reaches out letter dangling with seals*

Bourgeoisie Chairman: *reads from the letter*

"Fine, the Gotlanders may be autonomous! But as the rules of the game go, they shall also be a teocratic state such as ours! - The Hochmeister"

Bourgeoisie Chairman: The rules of the game, what is this jibberish?!

Bishop: You still don't believe me, young Chairman? Well, have a look at this:

Bishop: You see, that's me at the top, as a R-U-L-E-R, and you below, as an A-D-V-I-S-O-R.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Very well, then I'll just change the form of government to a republic, or perhaps even a monarchy, and we'll see how many Gotlanders want you as their lord!

Bishop: Oh, right. Well, did you read the Post Script at the bottom of the letter?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: *reads from the letter again*

"PS. I've already looked into the facts. It will take 27 enlightening moments of governmental clarity for you to get rid of the bishop. Don't blame me, it's the rules of the game. Have a nice day. DS."

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Oh.. my.. god..

Bishop: Nice chamber this. I will use it as my government chamber. All worldly burghers, leave now.

No, not you! *points at chairman* You seem to know quite a bit on how to rule a nation. You'll be my adivsor!

 

[axzhang]

This is quite delightful - glad you could keep a running joke going on the Gotlander's ahem unhealthy ovine obsession. Self-deprecating humor is always welcomed!

 

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So the first chapter is done. At this point I would like to make a few statements:

1. This is my first AAR, and hopefully my last (see below). I have read AARs on these forums for a long time now but never actually made my own.
2. This is my last EU3 game. While it is a great game, it is so addictive that it takes away time that I could spend doing more productive things. I am finally making an AAR of my own to honour this last game of mine.
3. All options in this game are set to defaults. Which means all difficulties are normal, colonists give 100 population, spread of discoveries is 50 years and lucky nations is historical.
4. This will make or break. If I get annexd, then so be it. But I certainly hope not.

Other than that, I hope you will enjoy this AAR as much as I do.

 

[Ankios]

So the first chapter is done. At this point I would like to make a few statements:

1. This is my first AAR, and hopefully my last (see below). I have read AARs on these forums for a long time now but never actually made my own.
2. This is my last EU3 game. While it is a great game, it is so addictive that it takes away time that I could spend doing more productive things. I am finally making an AAR of my own to honour this last game of mine.
3. All options in this game are set to defaults. Which means all difficulties are normal, colonists give 100 population, spread of discoveries is 50 years and lucky nations is historical.
4. This will make or break. If I get annexd, then so be it. But I certainly hope not.

Other than that, I hope you will enjoy this AAR as much as I do.

So if I get this right, you feel like you are spending too much time on EU III so to stop doing it you decided to write an AAR , which takes A LOT more time than a "normal" game ? nice way to abandon it but i'm not sure it's the most effective one if I may say that

However, if I may, lots of us on the Paradox forum are "strong" players of paradox games, but still really busy people doing lots of stuff "IRL", with good jobs, strong culture and really busy lives so don't be ashamed to play paradox games "too much", paradox games players are not "WoW" players

but anyway if you wish to stop play it it's your free consumer choice

 

[unmerged(60489)]

So if I get this right, you feel like you are spending too much time on EU III so to stop doing it you decided to write an AAR , which takes A LOT more time than a "normal" game ? nice way to abandon it but i'm not sure it's the most effective one if I may say that

However, if I may, lots of us on the Paradox forum are "strong" players of paradox games, but still really busy people doing lots of stuff "IRL", with good jobs, strong culture and really busy lives so don't be ashamed to play paradox games "too much", paradox games players are not "WoW" players

but anyway if you wish to stop play it it's your free consumer choice

Ah yes, I guess your questions at issue are quite justified. First; Gotland is a small nation, which is faster to play than a big one, since I'm not going anywhere near a large empire sorta game this time. Also, it's fun to write and (hopefully) amuse other people.

Second; I have my office at home, and I have bad discipline, meaning this game could mean I don't get to feed my family, worst case scenario. I also have an addictive personality (and yes, I've played WoW once, for a full year), and I think the best way to deal with it is to quit cold turkey. Just let my last "fix" be a great one! :rofl:

 

[Ankios]

Just let my last "fix" be a great one! :rofl:

please do i'll be here to enjoy it I promise

Good luck for the rest

 

[Macknull]

I can smell a Gotlands WC from here!
Okay, srsly, just dun get annexed, willya Cus it may be an interesting aar

 

[blsteen]

Good luck with this

 

[unmerged(60489)]

This is quite delightful - glad you could keep a running joke going on the Gotlander's ahem unhealthy ovine obsession. Self-deprecating humor is always welcomed!

Thank you, they are hard to come up with though.

please do i'll be here to enjoy it I promise

Good luck for the rest

Thank you, I will certainly need it.

I can smell a Gotlands WC from here!
Okay, srsly, just dun get annexed, willya Cus it may be an interesting aar

Annexation is not an option! Gotland will be supreme!

Good luck with this

Think I need it?

 

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Chapter II - Crusade, Almost​

Anno Domini 1361, the 27th of July, in front of the gates of Visby, the Gotlanders fell before the hands of the Danes. Here they lie buried. Pray for their shepherdless livestock.
- Inscription on the memorial cross at Korsbetningen, Visby​

In The Year of Our Lord 1399

The Bishop and the Chairman of the Bourgeoisie sat at the long table in the former Bourgeoisie Council room. The Bishop at the short side, in the former seat of the chairman, looking relaxed and pleased, leaned backwards with his feet upon the table and hands behind his neck. The chairman sat a couple of seats down the table, looking all but happy.

Bishop: So... How do we do this?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: What?

Bishop: Running this litte nation. I want crusades, can we get to do crusades?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: My... Bishop, Gotland is not a military power, I am afraid that is impossible.

Bishop: Don't tell me crusades are impossible, when we clearly have the Lord on our side!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Nonetheless, we don't have enough manpower, take a look:

Bishop: So we use German mercenaries!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: We don't have enough gold for that...

Bishop: Well, isn't that your speciality? Okay, I tell you what; If you fill my coffers, I will give you the chance to make "Gotland flourish from trade again" as it seems to be so damn important to you.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Eh, thank you... But you know that will take some time, right?

Bishop: Then you better get started. In the meanwhile, I will set up a small force of cavalry for protection (and crusades) as well as order some kind of boat which will fit all thousand of them!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Okay, so we start by moving towards free trade.

Bishop: Wait a minute, I heard from someone at the Paradox Forums that Mercantilism always is the preferred choice!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Are we going to do this, or not?

Bishop: Right, right, go on.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: We will also join the Hanseatic Trade League to be able to compete in Lübeck until we get our free trade policies written and distributed, which could take a century...

Bourgeoisie Chairman: So our merchants are on the way to Lübeck. Now we just sit back and relax, and wait for the profits.

Bishop: Sounds boring, how about a crusade?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Other than that I think it's a stupid idea, we are still a vassal of the Teutons my Bishop, we are not in control of our own foregin policies.

Bishop: That sucks.. Can't we just cancel it?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: I'm afraid we can't do that before five years have passed, and if it was up to me, I would have Gotland be a vassal of the Teutonic Order until we're making good profits from our trade again. That way we are always protected by them. You have noticed that the Danes and Swedes are also interested in our small island, haven't you?

Bishop: With the Lord on our side, we can't loose!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Try tell that to the Danes!

Bishop: Heretic!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: I am not!

Bishop: Are too!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: I am most certainly not!

Bishop: Are too, are too, are too!

Bourgeoisie Chairman: *sigh* Okay, I am... But please trust me, it's better to build up our income before waging wars, than the other way around. Speaking of which, our merchants now dominate Lübeck!

Bishop: That was fast. Trade maybe isn't so bad after all. Has five years passed yet?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Well, in fact, it has.

Bishop: So now we've got some cash. Let's go on a crusade.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: We already spoke about this, we...

Bishop: I know, I know. Just hear me out, I found this small Orthodox country, just east of the Teutons. It's called Pskov and is incredibly backwards, it will be a piece of cake.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: What about allies?

Bishop: Only some inland Russian duchy.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: I'm not sure...

Bishop: Shut up, we're doing it. We sail now.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Damnit, we forgot the Bishop, turn around!

Bishop: Off we go!

Bishop: My Lord! Where did Pskov go?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: It seems like the Teutons beat us to it.

Bishop: By the name of God! Alright, time for plan B.

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Plan B, my Bishop?

Bishop: Yes, have a look at this map. *shows map* This country here, they're heathen, right?

Bourgeoisie Chairman: Actually, I'm not sure they are...

Bishop: Well, now they certainly are! Set sail!

 

[sprites]

lol ^^

subscribed

 

[Macknull]

XDDD Awesum