That was an exceptionally funny update! The cabinet meeting, the war to get away from his son. Fantastic! 
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there's something of Lord Emsworth in that post ... in particular the horror of any properly inbred nobel towards their offspring.
But EU4 really should introduce the 'crying baby ... go to war for some peace and quiet CB'
& naturally a brilliant update full of superb one liners (& I'm glad I'm not the only one to engage in the wrong war for the wrong reasons)
But EU4 really should introduce the 'crying baby ... go to war for some peace and quiet CB'
& naturally a brilliant update full of superb one liners (& I'm glad I'm not the only one to engage in the wrong war for the wrong reasons)
As good a reason for war as any, and perhaps better than most.
Did I mention I am overjoyed at the proliferation of Mirans in that screenshot?
Did I mention I am overjoyed at the proliferation of Mirans in that screenshot?
As far as you know, that is!
I have to say that I haven't started any wars as a way of getting out of the house, but with paternity leave over I am back at work, which is an excuse that Nasir doesn't seem to have.
So the brave Khandeshi Kartography Korps (need to rethink that acronym) have managed to discover yet another province. You'd think they'd at least know about Muscovy too, given that Khandesh has fought two wars with them at this point.
On the contrary, it speaks of the great skills of the Khandeshi generals to be able to fight wars with people they never even met; letting the Kartography Korps steal the glory by discovering Moscow is just unacceptable!
It's back!
I couldn't say it better. Plus a torture minister, a self-assemblable foreign minister and another Miran in line, what can possibly go wrong?!
Oh, and big congratulations, Dewirix!!
I couldn't say it better. Plus a torture minister, a self-assemblable foreign minister and another Miran in line, what can possibly go wrong?!
Oh, and big congratulations, Dewirix!!
Thanks! Five weeks in and we're beginning to get used to the idea that he's here to stay.
Just so long as you've met the mother and didn't name your child Miran.
I'll be right back...
Thank you profusely for the replies!
Range - I'm glad you enjoyed the update! I rather hope that Miran is Nasir's child but it is never quite easy to say with these Faruqi!
Ashantai - Thank you for the kind words (your bribe is en route!).
loki100 - Many thanks for the kind words (another bribe is in the post!). I cannot agree more with regards to the need for a 'Escape Crying Baby' casus belli for EU4 but it has to come alongside the much needed 'You Have The Same Political Map Colour As Me And Thus Deserve A Kicking'!
RGB - Khandeshi recruitment in practice; if you are lucky enough to be named Miran you will go far in the government!
Dewirix - Sadly the bumbling cartographers remain as hapless as ever, as seen in this update!
RGB - How right you are! Khandeshi generals truly are wonderfully skilled, able to fight an enemy, and usually lose, even when they cannot reach said enemy!
aldriq - What indeed? A great many thanks for the kind words (your bribe is on the way!).
naggy - After reading this AAR who wouldn't wish to name their child Miran?
Range - I'm glad you enjoyed the update! I rather hope that Miran is Nasir's child but it is never quite easy to say with these Faruqi!
Ashantai - Thank you for the kind words (your bribe is en route!).
loki100 - Many thanks for the kind words (another bribe is in the post!). I cannot agree more with regards to the need for a 'Escape Crying Baby' casus belli for EU4 but it has to come alongside the much needed 'You Have The Same Political Map Colour As Me And Thus Deserve A Kicking'!
RGB - Khandeshi recruitment in practice; if you are lucky enough to be named Miran you will go far in the government!
Dewirix - Sadly the bumbling cartographers remain as hapless as ever, as seen in this update!
RGB - How right you are! Khandeshi generals truly are wonderfully skilled, able to fight an enemy, and usually lose, even when they cannot reach said enemy!
aldriq - What indeed? A great many thanks for the kind words (your bribe is on the way!).
naggy - After reading this AAR who wouldn't wish to name their child Miran?
Chapter Six: A Most Taxing War
1 December 1486
A nervous Tushar approached Nasir's tent, avoiding the grisly remains of various wounded soldiers as he did so. Nasir was camped on the most recent battlefield in Trebizond, adamantly refusing to return home anytime soon. Nasir still much preferred the blood, guts and terror of a battlefield to the raising of his son. Tushar slowly neared Nasir, who was busy arguing with his generals that even if Trebizond and Ramazan had now agreed to peace with Khandesh, there was no need for a withdrawal. Finally catching Nasir's eye, Tushar stepped forward.
"Uh...congratulations, sire, you have achieved a stunning victory!"
Nasir simply scowled at this, "Trebizond and Ramazan may have conceded defeat and accepted peace terms but Muscowy is still at war with us. This war is not yet over and we shall not be returning home anytime soon."
"Oh. I thought Muscowy was many hundreds of miles from our nearest province and without the means to attack us?"
"That as may be, we shall not be returning home anytime soon," Nasir stated firmly. News had reached him that Miram was teething at present, a horrifying prospect, Nasir was determined to remain far from the palace.
"Ah. Well, you know best, sire. I'm afraid I have some...troubling news."
Nasir sighed before asking, "How much money did you lose this time?"
"What? Oh, no, sire, I resent such a suggestion! You know Khandesh's money is safe with me!"
"Right. So the hundreds of ducats which mysteriously went missing last year at the same time as your mansion gaining a large expansion was completely coincidental?"
"Of course, sire!"
Nasir subjected a sweating Tushar to a long stare, "Fine. If you haven't lost any money, what have you done wrong?"
"Well, uh, due to being rather short of funds after I stole-uh, took some ducats from the treasury last year so as to expand my mansio-that is to say, so as to expand the faux realistic iron swords madeoutofwood manufacturing industry. I was left with little alternative but to consider some new forms of taxation."
"Let me guess, you invented some horrifically unjustifiable tax and sparked rebellions accross the land," Nasir stated flatly.
"Uhm...not quite, sire. Firstly, the tax was eminently justifiable. Secondly, it wasn't quite a rebellion it sparked."
"What did you do then? Spit it out, man. Stop dancing around the issue!"
"Sorry, sire, sorry. I, uh, I introduced the Voluntary Support for Khandesh youmustpaythis tax, payable by all nations bordering our own."
"So you basically introduced a tax forcing every nation bordering Khandesh to pay us?"
"Oh no, sire, not all neighbouring nations at once. I decided to give it a test run first of all."
"I think I can see where this is going."
"I asked Bihar to pay the tax firstly, with some, ah, regrettable results."
Nasir exploded into anger at this news, "You blithering idiot! You useless fool! You hapless moron! You are a fellow Faruqi, I expect better from you!" Suddenly realisation dawned, "You-you wonderful, wonderful person. Another war will keep me away from the palace for months. I could kiss you, uncle!" A startled and delighted Tushar accepted Nasir's fervent thanks whilst recoiling from any mention of a kiss.
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6 March 1487
Whilst Nasir was eternally grateful to Tushar for providing him with a good reason to avoid the palace for a few months, even if said reason had ruined the Khandeshi economy, his wife was growing increasingly suspicious with regards to his prolonged abscence. Bihar were far from being a major power and truly Nasir could not justify personally commanding his armies against so small a foe. He feared he would have to return home soon. Thankfully, just as he was sadly accepting this fate, Hemant reminded him of Khandesh's current mission.
Persia had been a docile neighbour for many years now, creating no trouble for Khandesh. However if the choice was war with a small, peace loving and relatively friendly neighbour or Nasir returning to care for his son, there was only one possible outcome.
Noting the list of nations arrayed against Khandesh in this war to reclaim the province of Mazandaran, one nation in particular stood out for Nasir. With mounting dread he quickly summoned Vikas. After a slow, halting, coughing filled conversation with his chancellor, Nasir left the meeting wiping of Vikas' spittle and feeling very, very afraid.
It was as he had feared, Khorasan was ruled by a Faruqi. A young Faruqi. He had unwittingly blundered into a horrible trap, in attempting to escape his son he was now forced to deal with another young Faruqi. Nasir feared that if Babur was anything like his son, he truly would prove a terrible foe.
It was a this moment of horrible realisation that an unlucky cartographer happily approached Nasir. The cartographer had every reason to be happy. Nasir, despairing of every cartographer in the realm, had demanded that they begin attempting to map out the world with more vigour, rather than take decades to discover land lying mere miles over Khandesh's borders. This happy cartographer had achieved this, making a discovery which lay thousands of miles from Khandesh, and he was thus looking forward to receiving some praise from Nasir for once.
The problem was his discovery was rather useless, as Nasir was quick to point out. A lake lying thousands of miles from Khandesh, surrounded on all side by terra incognita, was not exactly the kind of discovery Nasir wished for. Especially as there were still numerous provinces directly bordering Khandesh which had not yet been mapped. Taking his anger out on the hapless cartographer, the poor man was sent off to look after Miran for a few hours, a truly horrendous punishment.
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9 March 1488
Despite Nasir's considerable worries about Babur, the war to recover Mazandaran was progressing smoothly. It was not long before Nasir sent in Vikas to hammer out peace terms with Persia. Persian diplomats hurriedly agreed to the terms whilst contacting doctors for cures for the plague.
Having secured this peace deal, and thus completed Khandesh's mission to recover Mazandaran from the lawful occupiers of the province, Nasir grew very worried once more. He had given Hemant strict instructions to find a new mission which would keep him busy waging war far from the palace, he was not ready to return. The only thing saving him from a return at present was the fact that war with both Bihar and Khorasan still continued due to the horrific incompetence of Khandeshi troops, unable to easily defeat far smaller nations. It was then a sheepish Hemant who met with Nasir.
It was as Nasir had feared, this new mission did not give him grounds to prey upon a smaller, peace loving nation. He was incredulous that Hemant had suggested he create a proper fleet for Khandesh. The myriad rafts madefromstoneanddirt, flipper equipped marines and rowing boats from which Khandesh's navy currently consisted was clearly strong enough to defeat any foe on the seas. Nasir, shaking with rage, thus sent Hemant off to fabricate some kind of justification for further war.
Whilst Hemant had been sent scurrying to work once more, Nitin swaggered into Nasir's presence. He had been excelling at his job. Proudly he described to Nasir how the Persian people had quickly agreed that Khandesh better represented their culture than a nation such as Persia ever could.
Gaining Mazandaran had allowed for this. As too had Nitin's touring the province with a portable well and numerous doctors who had kindly treated the Persians with fustigation treatment until the desperate Persians had agreed for their culture to become a major part of Khandesh if only the well and boxing gloves were taken away.
An excerpt from Khandesh: Land of the Fustigated
Having secured peace with Persia hostilities soon also ended with both Khorasan and Bihar respectively. Historians are still divided as to why it took Khandesh, by now a large nation with many thousands under arms, so long to defeat such small foes. One theory suggested is that Nasir prolonged the fighting for as long as possible so as to remain absent from the palace for as long as he could. It is more likely, however, that the Khandeshi forces simply acted with horrendous ineptness whilst prosecuting both wars.
Regardless, with peace finally returning to Khandesh for the first time in numerous years, a no doubt delighted Nasir was able to finally return to his wife and child at the palace. Unfortunately for the three of them this happy reunion was soon interrupted.
You know what's more terrifying than Faruqi babies? Faruqi babies leading armies!
You're only NOW accepting Persian? To be honest, I'm not surprised. It is a testament to the pride and resourcefulness and the intelligence of the Mirans through the ages to resist the siren call of a much bigger and more advanced world culture for so long while ruling all their territory.
You're only NOW accepting Persian? To be honest, I'm not surprised. It is a testament to the pride and resourcefulness and the intelligence of the Mirans through the ages to resist the siren call of a much bigger and more advanced world culture for so long while ruling all their territory.
Very funny update! Discovering that lake might be VITAL later on! ...Well maybe not, but it could be!
great to see this back again. I do think that Miran is being a bit pessimistic about the palace-evading-properties of the latest mission though. I'm mean the new ships need to be tested to see if they are suitable for such a noble soul to sail on ... that must be worth a couple of years. Play this right and he won't see his son till he's a teenager --- ah, I think I see the flaw in that plan too.
Let's build a massive stone fleet in the Caspian Sea and then let's go exploring the northern rivers to find a way to the fabled Bajkal...
Khandesh is a mighty nation...might we contend that its ruler is wise...even beyond our beliefs? The entire world is held breathless in fear they might be next to fall to the mighty wooden swords...I can see the trademark-"In Wood we trust."
Thank you profusely for the replies!
RGB - Indeed! Faruqi toddlers leading armies is a truly horrifying prospect.
Exactly so. Who need borrow from a great culture when Khandesh can simply follow the wondrous example given to her by her many Mirans?
Ashantai - Thank you for the kind words (your bribe is en route!). I think you may just be right, that lake could prove pivotal to future Khandeshi success!
loki100 - I like your thinking! Or better yet, why not send young Miran on the ship testing mission? Khandesh has little practice when it comes to constructing ships and sailing, thus her ships may just run aground somewhere. Which would be a tragedy if the young Miran was stranded somewhere. Yes, a tragedy. *cough*
Athalcor - Exactly so! This mythical and legendary lake must be visited, I agree with yourself and Ashantai it is clearly key to Khandeshi success!
Range - I concur, Khandesh's rulers are truly and surprisingly gifted in rule. They have to be to survive despite making so many mistakes! I like the slogan, I've passed it on to the Khandeshi faux realistic iron swords madeoutofwood manufacturing industry!
RGB - Indeed! Faruqi toddlers leading armies is a truly horrifying prospect.
Exactly so. Who need borrow from a great culture when Khandesh can simply follow the wondrous example given to her by her many Mirans?
Ashantai - Thank you for the kind words (your bribe is en route!). I think you may just be right, that lake could prove pivotal to future Khandeshi success!
loki100 - I like your thinking! Or better yet, why not send young Miran on the ship testing mission? Khandesh has little practice when it comes to constructing ships and sailing, thus her ships may just run aground somewhere. Which would be a tragedy if the young Miran was stranded somewhere. Yes, a tragedy. *cough*
Athalcor - Exactly so! This mythical and legendary lake must be visited, I agree with yourself and Ashantai it is clearly key to Khandeshi success!
Range - I concur, Khandesh's rulers are truly and surprisingly gifted in rule. They have to be to survive despite making so many mistakes! I like the slogan, I've passed it on to the Khandeshi faux realistic iron swords madeoutofwood manufacturing industry!
Chapter Seven: A Nepalling Chapter Title
5 June 1488
A relieved Hemant crossed the tiled floor of the imperial palace, heading for the Imperial Nursery: Nauseating Green Version, which had formerly been a stable. Knocking on the door he waited for a barked command to enter from Nasir before pushing his way inside. He quickly noticed Nasir crouched behind a turned over table whilst young Prince Miran was wielding a scimitar in the middle of the room, making wild slashes.
"Take cover man, before he slices your legs off!" Nasir hissed urgently at Hemant.
Hemant dived for cover, joining Nasir behind the table, just as Miran performed a particularly impressive looking swipe with the scimitar, disemboweling a stuffed toy as he did so. With pieces of stuffing raining down around them Hemant turned to Nasir.
"I, uh, I see that you are looking after the Prince today, sire."
"Yes. My wife thought that with my having been gone for so long recently it was about time we bonded," Nasir responded dully. The terror of looking after Miran had shredded his nerves.
Hemant looked at his Sultan, a man he was desperate to depose and replace, and felt some pity for him. No one deserved to be forced to spend time with Miran.
"Well, sire, that is quite a pity."
"What do you mean?"
Both men watched aghast as Miran threw the scimitar two handed through a nearby doorway, narrowly missing a passing soldier who was forced to quickly change his underwear after the incident.
"He certainly has quite a throw on him for a six year old, sire," Hemant said with a glazed look covering his face whilst uttering a short, nervous laugh, "You must be so proud."
"Oh. Yes. I suppose I am," Nasir said whilst in a daze. Finally coming around, he asked again, "So what did you mean before?"
"Oh that, sire. Well, I'm afraid to inform you that your time with Miran will have to be cut short. I managed to arrange a new mission which will require your personal attention right away."
"Oh?" Hope showed in Nasir's eyes.
"Yes, sire, a mission which will require you to travel far from the palace for a good few months at the very least."
Both men cowered further behind the table as a number of arrows began thudding into their cover, fired by Miran.
"Thank you Hemant, brilliant work," Nasir stated with feeling, "Uh, I mean being far from my family once again so soon after I have returned will be deeply regrettable..."
He was interrupted by the point of a spear appearing mere inches from his face, thrust through the table by Miran.
"...that is, uh, very regrettable but, uhm, I need do what is best for the country," Nasir finished slowly, staring at the spear point all the while, "Before I begin arranging matters, I think it would be best if I visited the toilet firstly however."
"A brilliant idea, sire, I think I may just visit the toilet myself."
Both men stealthily removed themselves from the room, watching with horror as Miran decapitated stuffed toy after stuffed toy with grim precision.
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21 September 1488
His escape new secured, it had nonetheless taken Nasir a number of months to arrange matters so that the subjugation of Nepal could finally begin. With troops at last in place, and a happy Nasir far from the palace, Vikas was sent in to deliver the decleration of war whilst also providing a cunning germ warfare attack.
The war had exceeded Nasir's wildest expectations, it was taking far longer than he could have ever hoped, the pitifully small forces of the Delhi led coalition still fighting on over a year later despite the massive force arrayed against them. Nonetheless it was likely peace would be secured soon, something Nasir was not too keen on. So it was that he purposefully acted incompetently whilst leading a Khandeshi force against a large rebel army wishing to prolong his absence from the palace for as long as possible.
Nasir was once again left mystified when informed that his troops had believed him to be leading with his usual level of ability. He could not believe they were unable to differentiate between his attempting to lose a battle and attempting to win one.
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1 December 1489
Prathamesh hurried towards Nasir who was resting in his tent after a difficult day sitting down ordering people about. Once again Prathamesh had the chance to give Nasir some good news and this time he had made sure to tell no one else about it. Finally he could win Nasir's favour and hopefully Nasir would finally learn his name. However just as Prathamesh was about to lift the tent flap, he heard voices in conversation within the tent. It sounded like Nasir was chatting with Hemant. Who was once again giving Nasir the news Prathamesh had rushed to tell the Sultan.
A saddened Prathamesh quietly slunk off.
Nasir thanked Hemant for bringing him this welcome news. Admittedly it was saddening that Miran Mubarak Shah Bonjani, a much respected diplomat who greatly aided Vikas in his work, that is he was skilled at sewing Vikas back together again, had died from shock at the news that Khandesh had actually advanced technologically at last.
Pondering what new idea to adopt, Nasir found his hands tied. Both the cabinet and the military forced Nasir to enact stricter Military Drill.
Both bodies were tired of Faruqi leadership proving so inept that it brought about numerous military defeats. The recent rebel victory at the battle of Delhi being a case in point, a battle Nasir still assured everyone he had lost on purpose. They simply hoped that with better drills, that is with some actual drills at last, the army may perhaps be able to achieve victories despite suffering the hindrance of Faruqi leadership.
Despite the many battles Nasir had lost 'deliberately', the war with Nepal had gone well, the small nation unable to withstand Khandeshi power. All too soon for Nasir, it was time for Vikas to be sent in.
Or, rather more accurately, it was time for parts of Vikas to be sent in. The poor chancellor was missing numerous body parts as no replacement for Miran Bonjani had yet been appointed, this thus meaning that the sewing work was piling up. One look at him had been enough to prompt the horrified Nepalese diplomats to quickly accept terms.
With the subjugation of Nepal now secured, Nasir waited filled with dread to find out what the next mission would be. The war itself was not yet finished, Delhi still holding on, but if no justification for further war was uncovered by Hemant now, there was a very real prospect of his having to return to the palace. A worried Hemant approached.
Nasir accepted the new mission suggested by Hemant with sombre resignation. An apologetic Hemant did offer Nasir a crumb of comfort, the rebels of Delhi were still terrorising the nation and crushing the rebellion would likely take a few months yet. Thanking Hemant for this timely reminder, Nasir set to work.
A beaming Nasir happily surveyed the battlefield and his routing troops, he had done well. His escape from the palace was secured for another few weeks at the very least. Suddenly he noticed a messenger approaching him. Cheerfully accepting the proffered dispatch, his mood quickly darkened as he read the message. His wife had somehow learned of the fact that he was messing around with rebels in Delhi, rebels which rightly should have been defeated long ago. She was demanding his return to the palace and the instant defeat of the rebels. Cursing quietly, Nasir turned for the capital.
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16 October 1490
As Nasir reached the capital he was greeted by a cheering populace. Perking up slightly, clearly his citizens were delighted by his return, he waved graciously to the crowd accepting their applause. Suddenly he noticed the crowd were paying him no attention, they were instead cheering a messenger who had just brought wondrous news from Delhi.
The rebels, who had proven invincible whenever fighting against Nasir, had finally been defeated. General Nasir Khan Bonjani was being lauded as a general without peer, whilst Nasir himself was widely derided. Hearing this, Nasir sadly turned towards the palace, muttering to himself as he entered through the massive gates, "Bonjani only achieved victory due to me. The rebels killed so many hundreds of my troops in the battles I fought with them that they got tired, but do I get any credit? Of course not."
An excerpt from Khandesh: The Years of the Pointless Wars
The war with Nepal now at an end, Khandesh had gained yet another vassal, subjecting another small, peace loving naton to tyrannical Faruqi rule. There has been much debate regarding the questionable tactics employed by Sultan Nasir whilst fighting the rebels at Delhi. Some historians shocked at the horrendous ineptness in his leadership at both battles. The majority however agree that he was simply showing his usual level battlefield prowess and there is nothing exceptional in the level of incompetence he exhibited.
However with the ending of the war Khandesh was granted a brief respite where she would be free from war for nearly a year. She would need this rest period, as she was about to face one of her strongest opponents thus far.
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this year of peace is all well and good ... but will Nasir survive long enough if he has child-care responsibility in the meantime?
I think that the victory is clearly Sultan's - following the good old Faruqi strategy of hiring generals with the same name as the simultaneous ruler...