KHANDESH THE BEWILDERINGLY SUCCESSFUL
CHAPTER 11 - TOETALLY UNEXPECTED
(1469-1471)
A happy result of the last peace deal with the Timurids is that I have finally gained direct access to my Jalayirid holdings. At long last my subjects there can enjoy true Faruqi rule.
I am thus left disconcerted when told that the Jalayirids, after mere years of my rule, have turned from being a civilized and progressive society into a backwards, ignorant horde. Very strange. With my ability in rule the Jalayirid people should be prospering.
Putting this from my mind, I send Hemant to Gujarat with orders to declare war upon this cruel nation.
Gujarat shall be made to pay for unjustifiably holding the Khandeshi province of Ahmadabad for so long. This province, tens of miles as it is from Khandesh's traditional holdings, is rightly considered a part of Khandesh and has been for many years. Well, many minutes at least.
By the beginning of the next year, the evil Gujarat is conquered for daring to possess a province she was rightly entitled to but upon which I had a spurious claim. I quickly order Hemant to annex the perfidious nation.
In doing so the province of Ahmadabad is finally returned to Khandesh and Kathiawar, a province I have no justification for taking whatsoever, is also freed from Gujarati tyranny. Verily I remain a brilliant liberator.
Having finally defeated the Gujarati menace, my attention turns to the north. Too long has Punjab proved a thorn in Khandesh's side, finally she shall suffer.
A courtier, overhearing this dramatic attempt to justify another attack on a nation for no good reason whatsoever, asks how exactly Punjab has proven a nuisance to Khandesh. Pointing out as he does that Punjab has never even considered declaring war upon Khandesh and was even an ally of our nation for many years. All pertinent points. I have the insolent cur dragged off by Noor to the mole enclosure. Well, honestly.
As Punjab has something of an army, but is hugely outnumbered, I declare to amazed courtiers that I have finally recovered from my old wound, the stubbed toe which has plagued me for many years, thus I shall once again be taking to the field. I make it clear that it was this terrible injury which had precluded me from military command during the wars against the Tmurids, not the fact that the Timurid army was large and rather frightening.
Still, with my returning to the field and taking less of an interest in governmental matters, the nation surprisingly improves quite considerably without my able rule.
Having now passed into the second decade of my brilliant and illustrious rule of Khandesh, I decide the time is now ripe to have a Glorious Monument erected in honour of my reign. A truly great and awe inspiring creation as befits my great and awe inspiring rule need be built. I design the piece myself and order the construction. My wife, who I have studiously avoided since the birth of 'my' son Nasir, the harlot, casting her eye over the plans comments that with a design such as this, I must be overcompensating for something. I have no idea what she means.
Unfortunately it appears the monument cannot be constructed. Although there is enough cash, magistrates have been resigning in their droves rather than contribute to the construction of what many have been calling a 'monstrous design'. I really am confused by both the attitude of my wife and the magistrates. You would think I am ordering the erection of a ginormous phallic shaped monument. It's not ginormous, merely large. Ish.
Enquiring as to what exactly my magistrates have been doing, if they are refusing to aid the construction of such a highly important and frankly wonderful monument, I am told their services have instead been used to institute land reforms in various provinces.
I am left baffled that they can consider land reform more important than creation of a huge, brilliantly designed monument in my honour.
Baffled and also very, very angry. Too long have traitors and incompetents hindered my rule. No longer shall I suffer from these ingrates questioning my decisions and dress sense, finally it is time for revenge. I give Noor the order to deal with everyone on The List. Mere days later Noor happily reports that everything on The List has now suffered a fate worse than death as demanded. Everything on The List has been deported to Scotland. I feel slightly guilty about this, truly an awful fate, but that is the consequence of mocking a great ruler such as myself.
However something is not quite right. I ask Noor about 'everything' having been deported rather than 'everyone'. Noor shows me The List which states the nefarious Sultana Scones and Bunch of Bananas are to be punished amongst others. ah, so I mixed up The List and The Shopping List once more. Oh well, at least that will teach my groceries to never disrespect me again.
Moving on quickly from my attempt at achieving vengeance I instead show I have lost none of my considerable military ability, leading my men to an impressive victory over the small Baluchastani army.
Reveling being back on the battlefield, I urge my men to chase down the fleeing Baluchastani force, who are finally cornered in Quetta.
I suffer a slight wound during the battle, but another fine victory is secured and the cowardly Baluchastani army put to flight once again. I continue to chase their force down, injury or not.
You really should have that wound looked at.
What? No, no it's nothing serious. Anyway we are just about to start looting their baggage train, I'm not missing out on that!
Yes, but you have a history of struggling with toe injuries.
Look, I'll decide for myself whether I need treatment or not. My bodyguard only lopped the tip off my toe in what was an understandable accident. Anyway, who the devil are you to be giving me advice?
You don't recognise me?
No, not really.
Typical, youngsters these days. I give you a throne to act a tyrant from and you forget me already.
A throne to act a tyrant from...wait a minute. Is that you? The original Miran, my fa-possibly my father?
Of course it's me!
Gosh. So uh...why are you back haunting me?
Well, I have some rather bad news.
Go on.
Have you actually looked at your wounded toe recently?
What? No, not since it was bandaged.
I suggest you do so.
Hmm. Should it be that green colour?
No. Actually that's what I wanted to speak to you about.
What? You are speaking in riddl-
*THUNK*
Gangrene my boy, gangrene.
For crying out loud. By the way, I have been dying [sorry, awful, I know, I couldn't help myself!] to know, are you actually my father?
I think so.
Ugh, learning that hurts more than dying due to gangrene.
Will Nasir Khan I Faruqi prove as able a ruler as those who have preceded him? Will this update help to highlight the alarming amount of toe related injuries afflicting the world today? Will the next part of this AAR be completed within 2011? Find out in the next hugely underwhelming episode of KhandeshKhandesh - land of the bewildered!
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With that, this section of the AAR comes to an end. I strongly suggest reading the excellent
Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR which has recently finished. Many thanks once again to Iain for foolishly/kindly giving me permission to insult his excellent AAR with my woeful attempt at emulating his good self. Now it is JDMS who will suffer...