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TiPiou

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Der Gottführer - A Germany 36 AAR

Hi everyone :)

I hereby present my first attempt at AARwriting.

This AAR will try to relate a Germany’36 scenario (yeah, well...) using Semper Fi and patch 2.03 (*). It’s played on normal difficulty as I’m by no means a HOI3 veteran, and this is more or less an attempt at finding out whether HOI3 became fully enjoyable for me. As such, you may find some references to a few residual game bugs or interface annoyances, further supporting this AAR’s presentation as – hopefully – a humorous one. Well at least, don't expect it to be too serious.

No custom rules here, in fact I may even edit my save files from time to time, when I feel the need to do so.

During past years, I’ve read AARs written in a lot of styles, sometimes with great fun. I don’t expect to achieve the same quality than most, but I’ll do my best to keep it entertaining. Also, please voice your opinion when you feel that some of my lines look like already-written AAR stuff (although hopefully that won’t happen).

As a last note, please bear with my English as it isn’t my mother tongue, but feel free to point out any unsound sentences, idioms, or bad spellings : I’ll do my best to correct them, and to learn from this experience.

(*) I somehow didn’t get the same checksum as others after installing 2.03 (yup… shame on me). But I found the game to be playable nonetheless, and did not bother to correct this (The fact that my HDs are quite full atm limits my opportunities to ease the patching process with multiple installs). I got both HOI3 and Semper-Fi from Steam, if that’s being relevant to the problem. Initially, I wanted to give DiDay’s mod a try for this AAR, but I abandonned the idea once I noticed this checksum issue.


Der Gottführer

dergottfhrer.jpg
 
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TiPiou

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Prologue

Ha ! Quail, Europe ! For Germany's third-generation-gothic-font-typewriter truly rules !

viccond.jpg

Chapter 1 : The World Never Lives Twice.

1 January of 1936, 4:00 am, Berlin.

The Führer's bedroom is quiet after the new year's day party, and the man with that famous mustache is preparing to go to sleep in his nice stripped pyje, still a little tipsy from the champaign that evening.

[Loud, Resonating Voice] : Adolf !
[Adolf Hitler] : ?
[Loud, Resonating Voice] : Up here...

The Führer of the Third Reich looked up with wide eyes, his little mustache simmering towards the ceiling.
[Hilter] : Errr... who's talking ?
[Loud, Resonating Voice] : In this timeline, you may call me der Gottführer.

[Hilter] : In this timewhat ? wait... God ? *Peeking up behind a curtain, sceptical* ... you mean THE God ?
[Gottführer] : No. *sighs* listen... first, I said Gott.
[Hilter] : Well I understand a little bit of german, and...
[Gottführer] : Cut it ! Second, it's GottFÜHRER !

[Hilter] : Ah. I thought I didn't got that part right. Technically, Führer, that would be me...
[Gottführer] : Not anymore... Technically, as you say, I will lead you from now on. Officially, you may well keep your title in front of your peers.
[Hilter] : Lead me ? ME ?? In the name of all that's itching and tickling, on what panzercrippling ground ? And I have NO peers, I'm the FÜHRER !
[Gottführer] : *sighs again* You did not listen...

All of a sudden, the curtain, which Adolf is still holding in his hand, surges into the room while chilling winds hurl around the puzzled man and... well.... chill him.

[Gottführer] : You have a problem, Herr Hitler. You think that you're special. You believe that somehow the rules do not apply to you.
[Hilter] : ...
[Gottführer] : Obviously you are mistaken.
[Gottführer] : As you can see, we've had our eyes on you for some time.
[Gottführer] : It seems that you'll be living two lives. In one life, you are Adolf Hitler, Führer of the Third Reich. You're an insane Nazi panzercrippler. You led your country to ruins, were responsible for quite a few panzercrippling filthes and... *frowns scepticaly upon his notes*
[Gottführer] : ... helped you secretary correctly spell "Umweltverschmutzung".
[Hilter] : ?
[Gottführer] : The other life is lived in computers in a Paradox game where you go by the qualification of "Power-Hungry Demagogue", Ph-D for short. And hopefully with my lead, won't be guilty of virtually every crime you do not yet have a law for.
[Hilter] : *mumbling* What's Umweltverschmutzung anyway.
[Gottführer] : *Louder, frowning at Hitler's grumpiness* One of these lives has a future. The other do not.

[Hitler] : You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap ! I know my rights ! I'm the panzercrippling Führer of the Third Reich, remember ? Surely that includes Gestapo !
[Gottführer] : And tell me, Herr Hilter, of what good is being their Führer if your people don't recognize you ?

Hitler abruptly turns towards the large mirror in his bedroom, and is mouth gaps in horror as no ridiculous facial hair is hanging over it any more.

Hitler awakes suddenly, frantically touching his mustache with his fingertips in an obvious relief.
The wall clock marks 5:00 am.
 
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TiPiou

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rtfmmug.jpg

Chapter 2 : The Man Who Loved Me Dies.

1 January of 1936, 8:00 am, Berlin.

A shadow-under-his-eyes-ish Führer of the Third Reich is grumpily sipping a large bowl of very black coffee.

[Hitler] : Sheesh, what a night.
[Gottführer] : Good morning, mein führer *amused tone*.
[Hitler] : Holy Panzer !! That voice was real ???
[Gottführer] : Call your staff for a meeting, we've got work on our hands.
[Hitler] : You think you can just come into my head and give me orders in the middle of my breakfeast ??
[Gottführer] : You still care about this mustache of yours, Adolf ? I was wondering...
[Hilter, looking scared] : I'll bring everyone here at once !

A few minutes later, Hitler is marching along a corridor towards the meeting room, where all men of power in the Third Reich have been summoned.

[Hilter, mumbling] : Why me ?

A ghostly Gottführer suddenly appears at his side, obviously in the mood for a little chat.

[Gottführer] : Well I've tried to play the DioDuce, once, but Benito is such an hopeless fellow... *laughs* Do you know what he answered me when I asked him to prepare for an invasion of Spain ?
[Hitler, in incredulity] : an 'invasion' of Spain ???
[Gottführer] : Well he answered yes. We were back somewhere in the summer of 1936 I guess. He had managed to organize a nice fleet of transport overflowed with best divisions in Italy. Imagine the sight of that !
[Hitler] : Summer 1936 ? We're January !
[Gottführer, ignoring the interruption] : Benito's staff allowed for the invasion fleet to travel all the way to the coasts of Spain prior to any declaration of war. A quite masterful move, if I may say so myself. When it was time for the soldiers to swim the few yards they had left and make me as proud as another Scipio in Hispania, Benito told me that he was unable - Unable ! - to declare a war on Spain. "We Italians, we're too neutral !", the man tried to defend himself. Well, he cried it at the end. I hanged that dude by his toenails. That is, after he watched every single member of his staff airdropped over Ethiopia in their single Transport Plane of theirs. Oh, err, needless to say, Italy had not researched parachutes back in summer 1936... Or it was still untested stuff, anyway. That wouldn't have been very sporty to give them that.
[Gottführer] : But you wont disappoint me like that, Adolf, right ?
[Hitler] : Hallo ? January ? Summer ? Are you in your right mind ?
[Gottführer] : That was another game session. Not even Semper Fi yet. So what I have told you was true... from a certain point of view.
[Hitler] : A certain point of view !
[Gottführer] : Are you done with repeating everything I say ? You're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
[Hitler] : ...
[Gottführer] : I don't blame you for being angry. If I was wrong in what I did, it certainly wouldn't have been for the first time. You see, what happened to Benito was my fault.

Hitler turns slowly towards the glowing halo surrounding the translucid "Gottführer"

[Gottführer] : ... I didn't Read The Panzercrippling Manual !
 
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TiPiou

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goeringhimmler.jpg

Chapter 3 : Tomorrow Is Not Forever

1 January of 1936, 10:00 am, Berlin.

Hitler is standing in front of The Third Reich's crème de la crème.

[Gottführer] : Could you speed this up a little ? We're already 10 hours late on my schedule...
[Hitler, trying to keep his usual tone] : Fellows ! May I have your attention please ! *waiting impatiently for the silence in the conference room*
[Hitler] : I have summoned you, because...
[Hitler, in aparté with the empty armchair behind] : Hey, what did we summon them for ?
[Gottführer] : Because it's time for many great changes that your visionary mind has... can we repeat "envisioned" ?
[Hitler, cheered up] : Because it's time for many great changes that my visionary mind has...
[Hitler] : ... envisioned !
[Hitler] : Gott, that line sucked !
[Gottführer] : *shrugs*
[Hitler] : We... I... planned to apply these changes...
[Hitler] : and reforms... *glancing towards his armchair*
[Hitler] : ... with all due speed *angered* You're not helping much !
[Gottführer] : One second, I'm thinking this through !
[Hitler] : ... but I... have to think... things... through.
[Hitler] : For now.
[Hitler] : ...
[Gottführer] : Can't they give us some reports ? I mean, those guys must be in charge of something, right ? Ask them what the situation is.
[Hitler] : In order, for that visionnary mind of mine, to better...
[Hitler] : Still no synonym ?
[Gottführer] : Nope.
[Hitler] : ... envision... things, I ask you all for a report ! Schnell !
[Gottführer] : That last schnell was pretty well put.
[Hitler] : Thanks.
[Gottführer] : Don't nazi germans usually shout "Achtung !" too for a better effect ?
[Hitler] : Nah, trust me on this one.

As a matter of fact the whole staff is in effervescence, unfolding folders and re-reading files, with everyone waiting for the man next to him to begin.

[Hitler] : Can't they hear you, by the way ?
[Gottführer] : Neither can they see me if I don't want them to. But if you think that it would help...
[Hitler] : No ! I was just wondering.

[Hitler] : ...

[Gottführer] : Gotta pick somebody.
[Hitler] : I hate picking !
[Gottführer] : Start with the fat one.
[Hitler] : Herman, could you sum up the situation ?
[Göring] : Jawohl, mein Führer ! Shall I tell you about planes ?
[Hitler] : Yup, whatever.
[Göring] : Well we have lots ! 8 Squadrons of our Do-17s beauties ! Those babies can lay a carpet of bombs on any garden up to 450 kms of our frontiers !
[Hitler] : Can they kill something, too ?
[Göring] : Yes !
[Gottführer] : To which extent ?
[Hitler] : To which extent ?
[Göring] : Oh, errr... a good one, mein führer.

[Gottführer, rubbing his eyes] : Tell this moron I don't give a... care of his evaluations !
[Hitler] : Could you be a little more specific, Herman, please ?
[Göring] : ?
[Gottführer] It's written right in front of his eyes, for Me's sake !
[Hitler] : My visionary mind just told me that it would be written in that report of yours.
[Göring] : Ah, err... *searching his files a few seconds, then looking surprised* mein führer is right ! Their... hard attack ? is...
[Göring] : ..."three".
[Hitler] : Three what ?
[Gottführer] : That sux.
[Göring] : Three err... units.
[Hitler] : Of WHAT ?
[Gottführer] : That sux, period.
[Göring] : Of... bombing ?
[Hitler] : ...
[Göring, sweating] : ... capacity ?
[Gottführer] : Tell him we'll have to increase them by at least 1 of these "units" by mid 39.
[Hitler] : All right, Herman. I have good news for you. You're hereby granted the charge of increasing that value by no less that 10% per year ! That's it ! a whole additional UNIT in three years !! *exalted* Those hard-shelled garden gnomes had better take care !
[The room, in awe] : Oooh !
[Göring, relieved] : Ja mein führer !
[Hitler] : Why mid 39 ?
[Gottführer] : You'll see.

[Hitler] : Well, Herman, Anything else ?
[Göring] : Like... what, my führer ?
[Gottführer] : Doesn't he look like Benito sometimes ?
[Hitler] : Like, can we protect our own gardens from the bolchevik imperialism ?
[Gottführer] : Hey, you're being good at this !
[Hitler] : Hey, that's me.
[Göring] : Oh, you mean biplanes, mein führer ? *grins* We have a few...
[Gottführer] : Biplanes !?
[Hitler] : Well what would you have them be ?
[Gottführer] : Any chance you’ve ever seen that movie with Tom Cruise ? You know, when he was young ?
[Hitler] : No, who is this guy ? A commie ?
[Gottführer] : Worse.
[Göring, having waited for the führer to stop speaking with his armchair] : They... all escort our main force of Do-17s, though.
[Gottführer] : Operational range of 450km escorted with biplanes ? I'm impressed. Gratz Germany !!
[Hitler] : Can they fly the 450km along with the Dorniers ?
[Göring] : Errr... no.
[Gottführer] : That man is a retard.
[Hitler] : I could foresee some better task for them...
[Hitler] : Foresee !
[Göring] : Mein führer commands !
[Gottführer] : Get me that paper of his.
[Hitler] : Hand me over those statistics, Herman, would you ?
[Göring] : Which ones, mein führer ?
[Hitler] : The ones with the "three".

startupairprod.jpg

[Gottführer] : Hey, we can produce Stukas !! Sweet ! Do we have any ?
[Hitler] : What about Stukas, Herman ?
[Göring] : You mean those little things with the crappy siren ? Those were so annoying !! I never allowed their production. We would all have gotten deaf in no time. Thank god, I put an halt on this comedy.
[Gottführer, sighs] : I'm depressed already. I'll go check your labs and facilities while you take your time to finish collecting reports from those guys. Get ready for some changes when I'm back.

startupunitpies.jpg
 
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TiPiou

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sinkingdiamond.jpg

Chapter 4 : Diamonds Die Enough

1 January of 1936, 11:00 pm, Berlin.

Hitler enters his bedroom again, sighing in relief.

[Gottführer] : Hey buddy. *confortably seated, reading some paper from an impressive pile on the ground*
[Hitler] : You again ?
[Gottführer] : I've been reading that Herman guy's personal files. He's most definitely useless. Replace him. Here, take that guy instead.
[Hitler] : Huh ? Why him ?
[Gottführer] : Because I like small planes and he likes small planes.
[Hitler] : ... So ?
[Gottführer] : So we both like small planes.
[Hitler] : Ok, whatever. *sighs* I'll do anything you want, but tomorrow. Now please if you'll excuse me...

The Gottführer silently points the phone resting on the bedside table.

startreplacegrauert.jpg

[Gottführer] : Very good ! See ? that wasn't so hard after all. Also, I want him, and him... him. Him !! And also err... *checking one last piece of paper* here, him.
[Hitler] : ...
[Gottführer] : Jump !

startupgovreplaced.jpg

[Gottführer] : Ahh... I feel better now.
[Gottführer] : Don't you ? Oh, by the way, I've been to Kiel today. If you ever receive some call from some panicked admiral, don't take this too personnaly.
[Hitler] : what ??

The phone rings like crazy and the Führer picks it up while looking daggers at the Gottführer.

[Hitler] : Ja !
[Hitler] : WHAT ??
[Hitler, Hanging up rageously] : Are you INSANE ? 3 flottillas of submarines sunked in port ? 4 flottillas of destroyers AND the Emden ???
[Gottführer] : Oops.
[Hitler] : "oops" ??
[Gottführer] : Yeah well, I forgot to tell you. I did not visit 'only' Kiel.
[Hitler] : What the ...
[Gottführer] : Those were oldies anyway. I needed their crew, see ? Now they're being taught to shoot down planes.
[Hitler] : What exactly does that suppose to mean ?

startupbuilds.jpg

[Hitler, weeping] : Please, if you're truly a god, can't you erase that day ? You know, When I wake up tomorrow it's 1st of January again, you're not there, and all that ?
[Gottführer] : Well I could, but I'm pretty satisfied with the day as it was...
[Gottführer] : Speaking of which... I took the liberty of reassigning some of your funds. Ah ? *Listening to the air* 0:00 already *smiles* We're January 2nd ! Now we're beginning to see the effects of that new staff, hehe. Be diligent, little pixel guys ! *cheered up*

startupresearch.jpg
 

Don_Leon

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Godfather inspired aar count me in:)

Gonna be fun to see how Hitler will handle having his strings pulled instead of him being in charge all the time.

You sure are building a lot of AA, maxing out all the Ic and resource city's with AA?
 

TiPiou

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Chapter 5 : Quantum Of Daylights

1936 February 16th, 11:00 pm, Berlin.

That time Hitler's sleeping for good. Snoring, even. But there's still a light in the large bedroom. Some childish fears last a while...

[Gottführer] : Adolf ?
[Gottführer, gentle voice] : Aaaadolf ?
[Gottführer] : Wake up, champion, now c'mon.

The Führer growls then rolls over the other side of the bed. And snores some more.

[Gottführer] : ...
[Gottführer] : ACHTUNG !!!

[Hitler, jumping awake] : Hu ? Heil me ! Wh... ?
[Gottführer] : Easy, boy. Good evening.
[Hitler] : You ???
[Gottführer, smiling] : Me.
[Hitler] : You panzercrippling dare ? You came, you blew Germany all over, you left me alone for two months, and now here you are ?! Do you have any idea of the crisis I've had to manage here ?!
[Gottführer] : One month and a half. I'm sure you did fine.
[Hitler] : You cut all diplomatic funds !!! How am I suppose to buy the steel we need ?
[Gottführer] : Did I ? Oh well, that sure doesn't look like me to put aside diplomacy *smiling stupidly*
[Hitler] : You panzercrippling son of...
[Gottführer] : Cut it, Adolf. You don't want to know who I'm the son of.
[Hitler, fulminating] : You're helping me put good order to this. Now ! *jumps on his feet*
[Gottführer] : Very good, this ! *laughs* And I was afraid I would have a hard time to roll you out of bed.
[Gottführer] : Take it easy, we've got a few minutes to wait.
[Hitler] : To wait for WHAT ?
[Gottführer] : Why are you so jumpy ? Come, sit down here.

The clock ticks for a while, watched by a bored Gottführer and an angry Führer.

[Gottführer] : *whisles*
[Hitler] : I hate people that whisle.
[Gottführer] : Do you hate vans, too ?
[Hitler] : Vans ?
[Gottführer] : Forget it.

The clock rings midnight lightly.

[Gottführer] : Tadaaa !
[Hitler] : What was that ?
[Gottführer] : That, my friend, was the sound of 54 provincial flakkannons reaching the end of their assembly line.
[Hitler] : "Tadaaa" ?
[Gottführer] : Yeah well, I'm not that good with sound engineering. But tell me, it's cool, isn't it ?
[Hitler] : Why is it supposed to be cool ? it will take ages to deploy them out.
[Gottführer] : Not that much. Let me handle it if you like.
[Hitler] : What do you want them for, anyway ?

The Gottführer seems absent for a couple of minutes, his eyes in the vague.

[Gottführer, muttering] : You, you go there. Those guys here. You... and you... here, here... Perfect, now, you...
[Hitler, grumpy] : Forgive me if I'm breathing too loud !
[Gottführer] : I'm almost done !
[Hitler] : ...
[Gottführer] : Here we are. Now, yes, your question. We needed them for this :

193602aaboost.jpg

[Gottführer] : Two divisionnal anti-air brigades ten days ahead of schedule !
[Hitler] : By which miracle ?
[Gottführer] : By the miracle that I promised the provincial AA guys a whole night break after they're done, so the mobile AA guys saw this and they were all "OMG rox" and all that, and the provincial AA guys were all "HrHr Naabs", so the mobile AA guys went "STFU" and then they worked harder.
[Hitler] : ?
[Gottführer] : Hey I didn't made those rules. Paradox did, remember ?
[Hitler] : That doesn't seem to have inspired the U-Boat team...
[Gottführer, grinning] : No. They feel they're RPers. Different server.
[Gottführer] : Anyway, enough with this. I have some work for you. Do you know that you've got a whole bunch of people, among your high-ranking officiers, still thinking we've never invented anything better than Teutonic Knights ?
[Hitler] : Have we ?
[Gottführer, frowning] : I've got the names here. I'm reassigning those tards to the West, where it'll be quiet.
[Hitler] : Quiet ?? But it's full of those filthy frenchmen !
[Gottführer] : Like I said, quiet. A perfect place for your idiots to be. I need people that understand modern warfare on the East. By the way, I haven't been totally inactive, last month. I've reorganized the Heer a little. Hope you won't mind.

193602armeedeployment.jpg

[Hitler] : ...
[Gottführer] : Here. Please make a few calls, now, would you ? *Handing him the phone* There's a few nice fellows to promote.

193601okh.jpg


193601okw.jpg
193601infarmee.jpg
193601456armee.jpg
 
Last edited:

Gerle

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TiPiou, I like your writing style, it is easy to follow and entertaining. Thanks!
 

jonlucero

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Good stuff

This is good..:D

On another note,
Although I'm an avid fan of hoi2, I've never really played hoi3 - why the parallel production of AA guns in 1936?
 

Obermotz

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This is good..:D

On another note,
Although I'm an avid fan of hoi2, I've never really played hoi3 - why the parallel production of AA guns in 1936?

Static Flak increases your artillery practical, thus speeding up research and production considerably when spammed in the beginning.
I usually dont research artillery techs until the first big batch of AA guns is ready.
 

jonlucero

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Static Flak increases your artillery practical, thus speeding up research and production considerably when spammed in the beginning.
I usually dont research artillery techs until the first big batch of AA guns is ready.

This applies to AA guns only right?:)

This AAR might just teach me how to play hoi3.:D
 

TiPiou

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To Cybvep, Gerle and jonlucero : Welcome, and thank you for dropping a kind comment :)

If Gottführer wills it, hopefully I can come with an update tomorrow.

This applies to AA guns only right?:)
"Artillery practical" is increased when finishing the production of any kind of artillery (AA in this case). As Obermotz said, this impacts future (or running) artillery productions (again, any kind : AA, AT, Art) and any research with an "Artillery practical" component.

This AAR might just teach me how to play hoi3.:D
I doubt it, i'm kinda noobish ^^
 

jonlucero

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"Artillery practical" is increased when finishing the production of any kind of artillery (AA in this case). As Obermotz said, this impacts future (or running) artillery productions (again, any kind : AA, AT, Art) and any research with an "Artillery practical" component.


I doubt it, i'm kinda noobish ^^

Ha! But I just learned something..:rofl:

this is just to hillarious :rofl: i bet the gottfhurer will take over the whole world, or atleast bring hitler to vicotyr :cool:

Or the exact opposite, he might decide to leave Hitler alone at the height of his power and go commie with Stalin.:rolleyes: