Originally posted by Lord Durham
December 25, 1447: Copenhagen, Denmark
"You called for me, sire?"
"Ah, yes, the most useless Seneschal in the history of the world. I wish to test your knowledge of major Danish events for the past two years."
"I'm sure it will be a total waste of your Majesty's time. May I sit?"
"If you must. Just don't soil the upholstery."
"Thank you, your Crankiness. May I inquire about the health of the Queen, my King? Is she, how do you say, preggers, by any chance?"
"Shut up! Let's get this over with as quick as possible. The Minister of the Navy waits to present me with a Christmas gift."
"How nice. You must be orgasmic with joy, your Thighness. If it pleases you, I shall begin with events immediately after your... er, most eventful marriage."
"Whatever."
The Seneschal flipped the much-used notebook. "In January of 1446 you authorised the raising of 5,000 infantry in Mecklenberg."
'Now why would I ever do that?"
"Possibly to fight the Saxons and liberate Vorpommern, but I could be wrong."
"Are you ever right? Continue."
"On March 12, in the year of our Lord, 1446, a Saxon force of some 5,900 infantry and 1,150 cavalry invaded Vorpommern and engaged our illustrious army of 15,100 infantry and 5,500 cavalry."
"Where did we retreat to this time, and did you hang the commander?"
"Au contraire, your Stoutness. We laid a real beating on the Saxons, and sent them packing in much haste to their side of the border."
"Good men. I knew they had it in them. I shall present the commander with a medal."
"The Royal Order of Bullshit, my Lord?"
"Eh?"
"I'll get right on it, my Lord. On a side note, the Swedes landed in Hinterpommern, defeated the Saxon army and annexed the country."
"The Swedes? That reminds me, the Swedish Ambassador Bjorn Salming, and the new Danish Ambassador Knute Rockne, are supposed to meet me for after dinner mints."
"I'll send out a reminder, your Greasiness. Let's see, after several minor skirmishes, your glorious army managed to liberate Vorpommern from the Saxons. On December 6 of the same year you secured peace with the evil Saxons for the low, low sum of 6,000 marks."
"I paid them for peace? I don't remember that."
"I'm not surprised. On February 1, in the year of our Lord 1447, we recruited 3,000 infantry in Oldenberg to watch over their rather restless population."
"Why were they restless? I thought all my people loved me."
"Fat chance of that, my Lord."
"Eh?"
"Can't argue that, my Lord. In July of the same year, you accepted a white peace with Bohemia, marking the first time in 7 years, or when your reign began, oddly enough, that Denmark had not been at war with one part of the world or another."
"And it shall remain that way for decades to come! I have grown tired of war, Seneschal. From this day forth Denmark shall be seen as a paragon of peace, as a purveyor of justice, as champion of the oppressed, as overlord of freedom from strife!"
"Very noble, your Blowholeness. On September 2, in the year of our Lord, 1447, England declared herself as Sole Defender of the Faith, and on the 3rd Norway, along with Sweden, declared war on Novgorod. Denmark had no choice but to honour the agreement. Much as I thoroughly enjoyed my King's rant about peace and nobility of purpose, it was not to last long."
"Crap! You made me waste my breath!"
"As if that requires me, my Lord."
"Eh?"
"Will you further require me, my Lord?"
"No! Get out! I think in the New Year I will look for a replacement. Your uselessness grates on these nerves."
"You are most generous, your Flabiness."
* * *
January 6, 1448: Copenhagen, Denmark
The Minister of Peasant Affairs burst into the study that the Seneschal used for relaxation. "Have you heard? Have you heard?"
The smallish man held up a hand. "Heard what?"
"The King is dead! The King is dead!"
"Really? What happened?"
"Well, you know the Christmas present the Minister of the Navy presented him, that personal yacht?"
"Yes, what of it?"
"Well, he went sailing, and a fleet of warships cruised past, swamping the boat and tossing the King overboard."
"That's horrible, though I'm sure he had no trouble floating. Did anyone try to save him?"
"Well, there was a hue and cry on shore, and a flotilla of fishermen set out."
"That's noble for a bunch of primitive peasants, but couldn't they rescue him?"
"Rescue him? The fishermen mistook the King for a Beluga! It wasn't a pretty sight, especially after they harpooned him a couple of dozen times."
"Dear God! Where is he now?"
"Back at the village!"
"Well, we better go get him."
"That'll be kind of hard. The villagers are carving him up as we speak?"
"What?
"Well, like I said, they thought he was a Beluga. I didn't have the heart to tell them otherwise."
"Why not?"
"Cause it's the biggest catch they've hauled in for over a decade, and they said it should keep them all in food for at least six months."
"Oh crap! You know what this means? It means we need to find another King, and soon."
* * *
The news of King Cristoffer's III's death hit the population with barely a whimper. Conversation quickly turned to bets on who would become the next king of Denmark. It was common knowledge that Queen Dorothea of Brandenburg was barren, so that left her out of the picture. The country waited with bated breath.
The Queen mourned until lunch, then rushed to keep a hair appointment, complete with manicure and facial.
As for the Seneschal, he had no idea how history would remember such an insignificant little man.
Thus ends the reign of King Christoffer III, on January 6, in the year of our Lord 1448.
Denmark is dragged into war by Sewden and Norway against the Teutinic Order, Pommern and Prussia
The addition of Vorpommern after peace negotiations in 1442
The siege of Oldenburg: 1445
Denmark on the death of King Cristoffer III
LD has left the building...