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Dante's Revenge - A Tuscan AAR

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unmerged(15687)

unmerged(15687)

Captain
Mar 20, 2003
357
0
After previous troubles...

One of the hardest nations to play... IN EUROPE... Tuscany.

Too much time at home + Not enough Morpheus online = More AARage.

Goals
1. By 1792- Control the world.
2. By 1650- Control my continent.
3. By 1550- Control my area, i.e. neighboring countries.

Time for Dante's revenge...

And Leader File editing... Which doesn't work...
 
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"Uh... Homer? Are you sure this is the right way?"
Homer continued facing straight ahead. "Yes, yes... I know where I'm going."
The men and their tribe had just left the Council of Trent, with many ideas, new changes, and one goal. At the council, the leader of the known world, the Pope, proposed that the tribes split up. Currently they were too clustered in Europe. Everyone agreed with the plan. They were all given deeds for various amounts of land, free to choose where to live, and provided ships and men. The Tuscan tribe, comprised of just nomadic men, all obliged to getting on a ship and sailing to their new home. Too bad their tribe's leader is Homer. Who happens to be blind.
"Um... It's kinda cold here..." Uffreducci, the warlord of the tribe, continued to question Homer.
"No, no, listen here- we all know the Mediterranean sun isn't cold." Homer shook his head.
"Hey, it's a penguin!"
"What?"
Several days later, the ship landed. Homer did seem to know where he was going... Uffreducci stepped out of the boat. He found the name for this area interesting- Wabana. He shrugged it off and started building the city.
One year later, Uffreducci and Homer returned to the annual Council of Trent. The Swedes proposed some idea about Reforming... As they had just split up, it didn't sound like a good plan to Uffreducci. He was bored and starting playing with his pet penguin, so he wasn't sure if he heard the whole idea. All of the cities were completed, and the Pope announced The Start of the New World, and the beginning of diplomacy. That was good news for Uffreducci- he couldn't wait to annex some pagans. Uffreducci, pleased with himself, unconsciously tossed Homer's cane to the old man.
"Here you go, sir."
"HJKLHJ!" (translated: ow.)
The pair got back on their transport and went to their home in Wabana.

Goals
1. By 1792- Control the world.
2. By 1650- Control North America.
3. By 1550- Control Europe.
 
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Thanks- my main goal is to take over the world by... 1617, was it?

*SPOILER THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN SPOILED*

WTF is up with the scenario maker? Crashes at 1499 EVERY TIME. Starting to annoy me, especially when it corrupts my savegames...

**EDIT** - For all you future custom-scenario makers (1), 1499 is the year of the devil. Skip it and go to Jan 2, 1500.
 
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Uffreducci yawned. It was a crisp winter morning, and he had come out to enjoy the... snow. He pulled out his snow chair and began to read the morning paper (handwritten by the monks every day) when he heard a rustling in the woods behind him.
"Wha? Who's there!"
A burly man stepped out from behind a tree.
"Ooten Eaten Vorgenslagen."
Uffreducci was astounded. "Erm... No hablo polish-o."
The startled man backed away, and slowly turned around. He took off running back through the trees to his nearby home. Uffreducci decided he should tell Homer of the news... of another tribe living on their peaceful island. Uffreducci arrived at the castle. Yeah, they built Homer a castle. Anyway, Homer was lying in his bed, asleep, when Uffreducci rushed in. Uffreducci looked at the old man, who had caught frostrabies from a penguin, and decided to take matters into his own hands.

The First War - Poland-Lithuania vs. Tuscany

Uffreducci lined up the men. His fellow commander, creatively named TOS- CONQUISTADOR, or T'Con for short, was in Quebec "discovering" the Portuguese tribe. He said there was a center of trade nearby in Michigan, but Uffreducci knows the truth. He just wanted to beat those Portuguese in Ice Volleyball. He also thought about those hundreds of men he sent to the Azores. They were supposed to colonize it... Uffreducci grimaced. Who needs colonization when you have conqueri...zation, he thought. Uffreducci counted the armies.
"24,000 able men, 5,000 able horses... quite an expansion from before. Still, it might not be enough... Oh well, not my life! TO WAR!"
The horsemen took off charging northwest towards the Polish tribe. The footmen, each carrying a part of a cannon, stumbled along behind them.

[slurs=racial]The Polish general, Orenoemagenige Kniwgneia, saw the cavalry rushing at him. One particularly intelligent one in the front turned around and noticed that there was no infantry behind him. He slowed to a halt. Kniwgneia chuckled.
"Ooten Eaten!" (Fire the cannon!)
"Ooten Aaten!" (Yes Sir!)[/slurs]

Uffreducci had stopped, but the other men continued. I thought I told those footmen to hurry up, he thought. Has the old poet even figured out where in the Mediterranean we are? Why are there Poles down here? Argh, why am I thinking about this... I need to muster the men! Uffreducci galloped off after his fellow assaulters. Just then, a misplaced cannon shot from the Poles hit Uffreducci's horse.
"NEIGH!" (D***it!)
Uffreducci was thrown off to the side. He shook off some mud and looked up at his horse. It was going crazy... You would too if you had a cannonball in your side... Uffreducci regained his senses, which told him to run so the horse doesn't trample him. Uffreducci saw the battle up ahead, and decided his best chances were to run to the commotion, which the horse seemed to be terrified of. He turned around to look at the horse's current position, and he ran full-force into a Polish bayonet.
"Ow."
The Pole screamed a high-pitch scream and threw the bayonet down. He erratically ran away and tripped and fell.

END UFFREDUCCI

Machiavelli dropped his cannon.
"Are we there yet?"
His officer replied in the negative.
Machiavelli continued trudging on towards the battlefield.
 
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lol

lol
that was one of the funniest portions of an aar ever.
 
Machiavelli looked up. He saw a mushroom cloud and some horse-glue fly by. He decided to look down. He could tell his comrades were disheartened, too. Watching your friends explode before the gunpowder age is pretty sad.
"Guys, why don't we take a little detour? Unless you want to get blown up or something, then go on..."
"Meh... We like your name so we'll follow you wherever you go," they all said in unison. Machiavelli took that as a yes, so he dropped his cannon on the Wabanese border and decided to head south.
A few days later he arrived at a giant fortress. It was made of stone, obviously aged, and covered in ivy. He wondered who built it- the craftmanship was excellent. Must've been the home stadium for those Portugese volleyball players, he thought. He decided to lead his men up to the door and see if the castle was occupied.
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
"Hello?" Machiavelli yelled through one of the water- worn holes in the wall.
"OOTEN!"
The door flew open and shook the ground under the Tuscans' feet. They figured out why it shook the ground as they were thrown backwards when the Poles pulled up their drawbridge.

Machiavelli awoke with a start. He was on his back on the ground a few yards (meters, you Brits!) away from the moat. He reasoned by the sun that he had been out for about five minutes. Yes, it is impossible to tell five minutes by staring at the sun. But Machiavelli did it. So... without wasting and more time, Machiavelli gathered his men and decided it was time to pwnz0rs some Polez0rs.

The Battle of the Sugar- Substitute

"Machiavelli sir, a map was blown out of a window of the castle when the drawbridge was pulled up so quickly. About twelve cannons were too... Convenient eh?"
"Yeah... mmkay. So where are we?"
The cartographer ran his finger over the name of the city. "Erm... Placento or something like that."
Machiavelli scratched his chin for a minute, then a lightbulb went off in his head. "Ooh... Placebo! I know exactly what this is! They're trying to trick us by not giving us the real city! Let's kill them!"
"Meh?"
"FIRE!"
The dozen cannons unleashed a volley of shots at the castle. Gobbles of dismay were heard as the cannonballs wreaked havoc on the fortress. The Poles, noticing that they were being fired upon, dropped down the drawbridge and charged the Tuscans. The Tuscans, not expecting such an easy path to their camp, were unexpecting. Heavy losses were attributed to the Tuscan side, but the cannons were doing their job. Machiavelli's men were surrounded, though. They couldn't protect the cannons much longer. Just as the Poles reached the cannons, T'Con arrived on the Placentia bank in T'Explo's ships. T'Con rushed out with five-thousand infantrymen and flanked the Poles. Distracted, the Poles couldn't rally together, and were destroyed.

Tuscans: One
Polandia: Zero

What ever happened to Orenoemagenige Kniwgneia and the battle in the Polish capitol? Will Homer survive his frostrabies? Will Uffreducci's penguin make it through the emotional trauma? Find out in the next update!

"Thx, gg, no re."
"What are you talking about, T'Con?"
 
Journal of T'Explo, 1521

...So to make a long story short, we died. Orenoemagenige Kniwgneia unleashed his Polish power and smote Machiavelli down. Hee hee... what a funny word. Smote. Is that a word? I'm not good with the tenses of smite. Smitten. It's like a mitten but with an s. Hee hee.

T'Explo was then slapped by his wife, who was reading over his shoulder.

Anyway. A second Polish army landed from outside Genoa in Nova Scotia and attacked Placebo. They were about to win it when I contacted Orenoemagenige Kniwgneia and said I'd give him peace for a low amount of money. Being the stupid Pole he is, he accepted. Speaking of stupid Poles, I accidentally licked the frozen railing on my ship. The stupid pole got stuck to my tongue!

Slap.

So we got out of that war, and we even made money. We really had no use for the Placebo-land, so that's about as much as we could hope for. The next phase of Homer's grand scheme to rule the world was to... explore! But he died. What a quitter. So his minister, Virgil, stepped up to the plate. He sent me, on my warship, with ten other transport ships (pansies) to find Europe again. He needed to know where the Council of Trent was... as Homer was bad about writing locations down. He was blind, after all. So he sent me to find Italy, where the Pope lives, and the Council is held.

A few weeks later, we were ready to sail. We planned to find an island about halfway there and then would return home to restock. The island would be colonized, then we would sail, dock there, then head on to Europe. About 6 months after setting off, we reached the ideal island- the Azores.

Otherwise known as HELL.

Six hundred colonists were sent to the Azores. About 1 out of every 10 lived. Meh, 1 out of 10 was better than 0 out of 10. So we tried to sail there and dock. The few colonists refused us dockage.

"Uh... we've been on this ship 6 months, and we kinda want some food."
"No."
"Yes?"
"No."
"...Yes?"
"No."
A pause
"Now?"
"NO!"

They then decided to light some badgers on fire and throw them on to my ships. Upon contact with the deck of the ship, the badgers exploded, and the ship burned down.

I got home on a transport, the only surviving ship. A break. Uh oh, my wife is calling. It's time for bed, she says. Let me see if I can deal with her...

Talking is heard in the background. "But it's only 8:30!" A slap is heard. "Yes, I know that's my bedtime..."

I'm back. I reasoned with her, and she gave in to my might. I think I'm just gonna... uh... stop writing for tonight.

The year: 1510
The pain: A lot
The colonies: Violent
Summing up the nation in two words: Ow.
 
Summing up the nation in two words: Ow
Click to expand...

That's only 1 word. :D

Anyway, hurray for the new update! ....'bout time ;)
 
Morpheus506 said:
That's only 1 word. :D

Anyway, hurray for the new update! ....'bout time ;)
Click to expand...

I second that opinion. :D
 
"Wooo!"
The TV clicked off after the US beach volleyball team won the gold medal.

Oh wait, that's me... wrong story

Part Two: Conquest Under the Tuscan Snowclouds

After colonization after failed colonization, the Tuscans were in dismay. Without a leader, they didn't know what to do with their small nation. The world kept developing without the Tuscans until a new leader rose up... a new leader by the name of Virgil.

A foot soldier looked up."Hey Virgie, why are we landing near all these Mexicans?"
"Go to hell."
"Ok."
The soldier, named Aeneas, stepped off the ship into a random red portal. He was never heard from again.

"Anyway."

Virgil lead the rest of his army into Andalusia. The fortress, thousands of miles away from home, was the basis for more diplomatic excursions. Ha ha.
"Teiresias thinks the narrator is lying."

Virgil looked up.
"Why the **** do you have to talk in third person? Why did I decide to leave the penguin warriors at home?! They would be better than this group of PlacetiRomans..."

As I was saying, Virgil's plan was to send a colonization... force... into Toledo, claim the gold provinces, and use the gold to fund the economy while research was put into fighting inflation. Yeah, Virgil was smarter than Homer. Everything was going perfectly until they saw a short. angry man standing on top of a hill, holding a flag with perhaps the ugliest colors Virgil has ever seen.

ENTER HESSEN[/yourdefenseofHessen'sflag]

"Kill him."
"Mmkay."

The elite Tuscan army rushed by Virgil. Oh wait, they left the penguins at home... The somewhat inferior Tuscan army rushed by Virgil. He watched as they overtook the hill like a rabid weasel overtakes a doughnut.

"FOR TUSCANYYYYY! BUARRRR!"

Virgil shook his head.
"See, this is why they burned the Jews..."

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh man, I'm gonna get flamed...literally! Get it? Aha!)

The Germans were immediately overthrown, just to go underground and plot their revenge. Toledo was just the beginning of the rampages, however, and the Tuscan army continued through Iberia until reaching the Hessenese country limits. They decided to stop killing people then. Yeah, they were nice like that. Anyway all the Germans are dead. So Virgil claimed the land for Tuscany. Easy enough, eh? No.

PART THREE COMING SOON: WHY ARE ALL THE NATIONS SO CLUTTERED?!

Well, that's it. Turning the TV back on to some Romanian music. That's a good idea... I think I'll just kill the Romanians next...
 
"Go to hell."
"Ok."
The soldier, named Aeneas, stepped off the ship into a random red portal. He was never heard from again.
Click to expand...

:rofl: :rofl: :D Yaaaay, another update! Speaking of which, I ought to get cracking on that too... stupid school, with its stupid classes, with their stupid work *stalks off, grumbling loudly*
 
Yeah an update.
 
Xizo said:
Weeeeeeee! *cough* about time* cough :rofl: What two months of lag time that is not that bad? :) Nice work as usual.
Click to expand...

With graham.... that's blazingly quick. :rofl: ;)
 
Heh Simms...

Anyway, I was in Europe all through July, and in school this month. Last time I played this game was June 8th. Every one of my updates are from memory. Suck it, Wordpad. I'm almost out of savegames though, so that means I might have to actually play again :(

If I finish my assignments tonight I'll update.
 
The Pope sat down in the bedroom facing his kingdom. He used to control all of the Peninsula, but now he only controls 3 provinces. He gets up from his throne and walks over to the window. It is December 31st, 1491, and he can barely see through the blizzard. As he looks out, he sees a flash, and a vision of strong military commanders, a unified, Central-European empire, and a land to the west that was full of riches. He smiles as he falls over the balcony, the arrow still stuck through the curtain behind his body.

oops

Virgil sat down in the bedroom facing his kingdom. He used to control nothing, and he still doesn't. He gets up from his rocking chair and walks over to the window. It is sometime around 1520, and he can barely see through the horde of ice cream trucks. As he looks out, he sees a flash, and shuts the curtains.
"Damn paparazzi!"
As he rubs his eyes and looks out, the sees a vision of strong military commanders, a unified, European empire, and a land to the west that was full of riches. He smiles as he falls over the balcony, the arrow still stuck through the curtain behind his body.

"Ow."

PART THREE: I AM TOO LAZY TO USE THE BBCODE TAG THINGS, AND I WILL SCREW UP EVENTUALLY

Virgil rolled to the side. He lifted up his cloak and looked at his wound.

"Aha aha aha. I'm Virgil, b****!"

He shook his head, did a little dance, took a little puff, and ran down the street. Bypassers looked at him, stared up at the window, then looked back to Virgil. Virgil suddenly stopped, hiding behind an ice cream truck.

[break]

Ok, sorry, all of this stuff is just running through my head. I can't focus. So what happened was Virgil got shot. So now he's hiding. Ok, got it? Swedes these days...

[/break]

"Who could be plotting to kill me," he thought. He looked up the street, and back down. All he saw was incredulous people staring at him.

"Uhh, sir... this ice cream truck isn't providing much cover."

A short Italian man of about 35 continued staring at Virgil, waiting for a reply. Instead, Virgil just stood up and tiptoed slowly back to his home in Murcia.

"n00b, tiptoeing won't help either..."

Virgil continued his contemplation after he was safely locked up in his throne room. "I can think of only one source... the Napulians..."

The Tuscans and Napulians have been fighting since before the Great Migration. Homer thoughtfully decided to not track the location of Napoli-on's tribe or army. Napoli-on, the aging Napulian tribe leader, was known as much for his short temper as his short...ness.

"So I'm thinking it's time to kill them?"

PART 4: I'M GOING TO BED
 
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