"This country needs a swift kick in the ass"
"Hello Eutopians, it's the witching hour and time for Damn Nation! I am Ristard Deaghaidh (pronounced just like it's spelled). Now lets see, what's going on tonight. Oh yeah, the country, as per usual, has gone completely out of its skull. With only days till the next election the Right wingers have come screaming right out of left field."
"It all started, of course, with Mr. Jools. First he loses one of his two remaining marbles and starts insulting damn near everybody. Then he's suprised when when someone tries to bump him off. He snaps and loses his other marble, and suddenly everybody's a drugged-up anarchist terrorist. Have you heard this guy? He's managed to lower the average IQ of AM radio broadcasters, and that is quite a feat, as we are not, in general, that bright. According to this guy the left wing, spanish speakers, french speakers, Native Eutopians, Norse, immigrants, the President, Parliment, the girl scouts and his cat Mittens are all a part of a vast conspiracy to overthrow ridiculous, incompetant blowhards holding cabinet posts. Hey, if this conspiracy exists, the treasonous thing would be not to be a part of it; you'd be up against like 90% of Eutopia. In fact conspirators, CALL ME, I WANT IN!"
"I'm not suprised this guy snapped, it was obvious all along his grasp on reality was weaker than Clark Kent wearing a kryptonite butt-plug. What I'm asking is, did he not have to pass some kind of, I don't know, psychological test to ensure that he wasn't completely [bleep]ing paranoid before we PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF DEFENSE! I mean, they do background checks on anybody buying a gun these days, right? How many MILLION guns did this guy have access to? I mean, they wouldn't have had to look hard to see this coming. Does all some psychotic, drugged up guy who wants an AK-47 to act out the voices in his head, I mean, is all these guys have to do is get into the Cabinet? WE're all [bleep]ing screwed! Hit the deck, the assistant undersecretary of agriculture is drive-bying us!"
"Then you get the monarchists. Now, your old monarchists were silly enough. I mean, these are people who actually look at the British Royal family and think "Oh, if only we had OUR embarassing, anachronistic waste of time and money back, WE could be as good as England! Wouldn't that be ever-so-corking!"
But now you've got these new guys, the "Monarchist Brigade". I'm going to reveal to you my secret theory about them. You ready? Prepare yourselves, it's big, but it'll all make sense once you think about it.
The Monarchist Brigade is, in reality, a front for the Eutopian branch of the National Association for Man-Boy Love Advancement. You heard it here first people, NAMBLA is the power behind the throne. Think about it; they like festive parades- oh sure, they call them marches- and rallys. They like to dress up in outrageous costumes at said parades and rallys. Does this sound like a certain other minority group to you?
Now, I know, I know. <mock outraged listner voice>'Ristard, even if they are gay, (not that there's anything wrong with that) that doesn't mean they have anything to do with NAMBLA! You're just using an ancient stereotype that all homosexuals are pedophiles you homophobe!' To that I say, "Let me finish you interupting bastard!" The smoking gun- ew, phallic metaphor unintentional- is still coming- damn, I did it again! Freud save us!
Now, the real kicker, to me at least, is that the first thing this monarchist brigade did was set up a youth brigade for young, impressionable, naive boys. A brigade where they can have nice, secluded weekend camping trips in the woods, surounded by boys in those gratuitously homoerotic uniform shorts. Do I even need to finish my point?
Or maybe its just me, I'm dead wrong I'm sure. We'll be taking calls after the break, so start dialing now.
(OOC: If the Eutopian Comunications Committee (i.e., the Mods) find something offensive, please edit it out and put [bleep] in, to further the radio-show illusion)