Fast updates is good for readers, but not if you like getting lauded - however, something I've learned is that readers scarcely comment, so don't get discouraged even if you don't get a lot of comments.
Cum Porci Volant - A NubiAAR
- Thread starter Vaftrudner
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Llywelyn: I tried giving them all my money, but no joy. Since they took so long answering though, I had to try to give them the province, I was pretty stressed at this point.
Beamed: Yeah, I guess you're right. I, too, am guilty of lurking
That said, I'd like to thank everyone who's commented so far, I hope this AAR gives you a giggle, and your comments make me happy aswell.
I'll get one up today. More excitement might come. Or I might just humiliate someone again. Whatever.
Beamed: Yeah, I guess you're right. I, too, am guilty of lurking
That said, I'd like to thank everyone who's commented so far, I hope this AAR gives you a giggle, and your comments make me happy aswell.I'll get one up today. More excitement might come. Or I might just humiliate someone again. Whatever.
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Sorry, a fascinating game of Diplomacy delayed this, plus the fact that these years were quite boring. I won't apologize for that, serves you right for reading what I write!
The Lost Years of Nubia, part 2
Or: No event is so horrible that it can't get worse
A critical examination by Nephthys Moungos, Aswan Sand Hill University
With no more support from the Faculty of Fugly at Halland's Phargle University since they stole all our pens when they were here last, who the hell do they think they are? I'd like to go to their university and just print a hundred pages of random blogs, let's see what... Oh, right, the actual text:
By January 1085, Georgios had returned to something resembling his former self, and was once again leading the country. His first action was to find a wife for Al'a'addin.
Her name was Eirene. Raised as a fosterling by the tyrannical Isaakios, she had never known the love of a parent. A lot has been written about her feelings when being forced to leave her only friend in Cyprus, the only one who ever loved and respected her, but since no one cares, let's move on.
The important thing was that she was the daughter of the Prince of Cyprus, and could quite possibly produce an heir for both Nubia and Cyprus.
When Georgios thought that Al'a'addin would be too busy finishing his education and not loving his new wife, he hired a more competent marshal.
Al'a'addin was not very pleased with this, and we can clearly see a power struggle between father and son these years. The young of Dongola would claim every position available, would always be awarded them, and would promptly be kicked out a few days later.
Faghira was the only one of Georgios' daughters who stayed in Nubia. She was symbolically married away to the local Diocese Bishop to stop all requests for her hand, and took over Eirene's job of Spy Master, leaving Eirene with even more time to cry or contemplate suicide or whatever.
Al'a'addin was quickly reinstated as permanent marshal when he finished military school at the top of his class. Well, actually, he murdered the rest of the class. And their children, for good measure.
At this point, Georgios had adopted a new strategy in life. Since logic didn't seem to work, he tried the opposite. To save his failed marriage, he did the worst thing he could think of.
As all acts of utter contempt for life do, his plan worked brilliantly.
While official documents claim that Eirene's first child was stillborn, other reports claim that Al'a'addin held up the newborn baby boy, showing him the splendour of Nubia and whispering to him that one day, all of it would be his. The boy instanly died from lack of joy.
Al'a'addin kept making demands for more privileges, to the point where his constant thirst for power and prestige landed him with a serious disease.
While legend has it that he was cured by an Arabic work of surgery, the most likely theory (based on biological research) holds that he simply declared war on the viruses, quickly annexing his bloodstream and routing every single damaged cell.
Now governed by Georgios' law of "Screw it", Nubia continued to prosper. Would the peace last? Would Al'a'addin still be the most important person during his father's reign? Would Eirene finally come to terms with the fact that life sucks and get on with it?
Or: No event is so horrible that it can't get worse
A critical examination by Nephthys Moungos, Aswan Sand Hill University
With no more support from the Faculty of Fugly at Halland's Phargle University since they stole all our pens when they were here last, who the hell do they think they are? I'd like to go to their university and just print a hundred pages of random blogs, let's see what... Oh, right, the actual text:
By January 1085, Georgios had returned to something resembling his former self, and was once again leading the country. His first action was to find a wife for Al'a'addin.
Her name was Eirene. Raised as a fosterling by the tyrannical Isaakios, she had never known the love of a parent. A lot has been written about her feelings when being forced to leave her only friend in Cyprus, the only one who ever loved and respected her, but since no one cares, let's move on.
The important thing was that she was the daughter of the Prince of Cyprus, and could quite possibly produce an heir for both Nubia and Cyprus.
When Georgios thought that Al'a'addin would be too busy finishing his education and not loving his new wife, he hired a more competent marshal.
Al'a'addin was not very pleased with this, and we can clearly see a power struggle between father and son these years. The young of Dongola would claim every position available, would always be awarded them, and would promptly be kicked out a few days later.
Faghira was the only one of Georgios' daughters who stayed in Nubia. She was symbolically married away to the local Diocese Bishop to stop all requests for her hand, and took over Eirene's job of Spy Master, leaving Eirene with even more time to cry or contemplate suicide or whatever.
Al'a'addin was quickly reinstated as permanent marshal when he finished military school at the top of his class. Well, actually, he murdered the rest of the class. And their children, for good measure.
At this point, Georgios had adopted a new strategy in life. Since logic didn't seem to work, he tried the opposite. To save his failed marriage, he did the worst thing he could think of.
As all acts of utter contempt for life do, his plan worked brilliantly.
While official documents claim that Eirene's first child was stillborn, other reports claim that Al'a'addin held up the newborn baby boy, showing him the splendour of Nubia and whispering to him that one day, all of it would be his. The boy instanly died from lack of joy.
Al'a'addin kept making demands for more privileges, to the point where his constant thirst for power and prestige landed him with a serious disease.
While legend has it that he was cured by an Arabic work of surgery, the most likely theory (based on biological research) holds that he simply declared war on the viruses, quickly annexing his bloodstream and routing every single damaged cell.
Now governed by Georgios' law of "Screw it", Nubia continued to prosper. Would the peace last? Would Al'a'addin still be the most important person during his father's reign? Would Eirene finally come to terms with the fact that life sucks and get on with it?
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I.
You need one of those "brilliant court artist" events. Your current one is so crappy he made that 16 year old girl look middle-aged.
II.
You do know that the marshal's martial skill matters less to your son's education than having a diplo score =/>7, right? Not that it mattered in this case.
III.
Your bishops are still allowed to marry? Be careful. If the Crusaders ever do find Prester John, they're going to declare him a heretic and try to gank his stuff.
IV.
"Al'a'addin kept making demands for more privileges, to the point where his constant thirst for power and prestige landed him with a serious disease."
Inflamation of the bile. :nod:
V.
Benign Neglect. When has it ever not been the wisest way to rule?
You need one of those "brilliant court artist" events. Your current one is so crappy he made that 16 year old girl look middle-aged.
II.
You do know that the marshal's martial skill matters less to your son's education than having a diplo score =/>7, right? Not that it mattered in this case.
III.
Your bishops are still allowed to marry? Be careful. If the Crusaders ever do find Prester John, they're going to declare him a heretic and try to gank his stuff.
IV.
"Al'a'addin kept making demands for more privileges, to the point where his constant thirst for power and prestige landed him with a serious disease."
Inflamation of the bile. :nod:
V.
Benign Neglect. When has it ever not been the wisest way to rule?
I very much doubt that it was referring to a single, three character snail in that rule, Llywelyn, but instead the enormous likenesses of various people or characters ala LUE.
...
This is a beautiful sentence.
Anyway, updates rock, let us have more(mooore?!), etc. etc.
That is such a perfect sentence that I might ditch the AAR at this very point, since I couldn't possibly compete.
Llywelyn: I. Actually, she was born middle-aged and will probably die middle-aged. Some people are just lucky and blessed with a happy life, I guess. She's not.
II. Diplomacy is for countries who don't run face first into walls. I leave those to people who don't hate themselves.
III. I might change the title of the AAR into "At least we're not Catholic".
Murmurandus: Georgios is so tired of life that death has decided to wait just to tease him.
Beamed: More will come! Thanks for the encouragement!
Enewald: Thank you
Now to the update! Gather the popcorn, pop the family, bury the neighbour!
The Lost Years of Nubia, part 3
Or: No event is so horrible that it can't get worse
A critical examination by Nephthys Moungos, Aswan Sand Hill University
With death to the Faculty of Fugly at Halland's Phargle University
The insanely old Georgios had been rejuvenated and at the moment free from his diseases, by speeding around Nubia in his shiny red chariot, picking up young wenches and combing over with his beard.
I feel that it is my duty as a historian to point out that Georgios never had, never would have and would never even get close to having hair.
Now, to answer some of the questions I raised before: Would Eirene finally come to terms with the fact that life sucks and get on with it?
No.
Would Al'a'addin still be the most important person during his father's reign?
Well sure, if being shuffled away to the Armpit of Nubia to stop your constant whining makes you important. Otherwise, no.
Would Georgios send his daughter away to be married as a practical joke, for the sole reason that the groom's last name is "guinea pig" in Danish?
Yes.
Would peace last?
Gee, take a guess.
Egypt was appropriately busy fighting the world and its cousin, so Georgios figured that the plan would work better than last time.
Egypt had already attacked the northern provinces, so the El-Arish armies were reduced to ping pong balls between the two countries.
Sinai fell in days and once again, Nubia seemed to be in a great position to anyone without the ability to plan more than a few hours into the future.
Here are a few hours into the future.
Alexios, who actually survived the man who went down in history as Creepy Beard Guy, didn't learn a thing from his harsh childhood, never grew as a person and doesn't even deserve this sentence, but I'm bored.
A correspondence between the sheikdom of Al'Aqabah and Nubia has been preserved.
"You are now a part of Egypt. In your continued aggression, is it your intention to bring your liege with you?
His Grace Georgios of Dongola, King of Nubia, Lion of Makuria and Chosen by the Lord the Father"
"Well, kinda.
Sheik Zakariah Qasim of Al'Aqabah, Blessed in the Name of the Prophet and Victorious in the Eyes of Allah"
"If you walk into Nubia without the blessing of your liege, you are surely walking into your own doom. We will meet your blades with blades. Your cowardice will be met by the strength of a unified Nubia. Our pietous armies will stand victorious!
His Grace Georgios of Dongola, King of Nubia, Lion of Makuria and Chosen by the Lord the Father"
"Screw you!
Sheik Zakariah Qasim of Al'Aqabah, Blessed in the Name of the Prophet and Victorious in the Eyes of Allah"
"Oh hi, I'm not sure who you are, but I guess we're at war or something. Yay bloodshed and so on, err, pleased to meet you.
His Grace Vratislaus II, Kind of King of Bohemia, or Duke maybe, we'll see how that works out"
"ok we surrender you're cool
Sheik Zakariah Qasim of Al'Aqabah, ugly in the Name of the Prophet and fat in the Eyes of Allah"
The last message might have been edited by Alexios. Historians disagree.
Or: No event is so horrible that it can't get worse
A critical examination by Nephthys Moungos, Aswan Sand Hill University
With death to the Faculty of Fugly at Halland's Phargle University
The insanely old Georgios had been rejuvenated and at the moment free from his diseases, by speeding around Nubia in his shiny red chariot, picking up young wenches and combing over with his beard.
I feel that it is my duty as a historian to point out that Georgios never had, never would have and would never even get close to having hair.
Now, to answer some of the questions I raised before: Would Eirene finally come to terms with the fact that life sucks and get on with it?
No.
Would Al'a'addin still be the most important person during his father's reign?
Well sure, if being shuffled away to the Armpit of Nubia to stop your constant whining makes you important. Otherwise, no.
Would Georgios send his daughter away to be married as a practical joke, for the sole reason that the groom's last name is "guinea pig" in Danish?
Yes.
Would peace last?
Gee, take a guess.
Egypt was appropriately busy fighting the world and its cousin, so Georgios figured that the plan would work better than last time.
Egypt had already attacked the northern provinces, so the El-Arish armies were reduced to ping pong balls between the two countries.
Sinai fell in days and once again, Nubia seemed to be in a great position to anyone without the ability to plan more than a few hours into the future.
Here are a few hours into the future.
Alexios, who actually survived the man who went down in history as Creepy Beard Guy, didn't learn a thing from his harsh childhood, never grew as a person and doesn't even deserve this sentence, but I'm bored.
A correspondence between the sheikdom of Al'Aqabah and Nubia has been preserved.
"You are now a part of Egypt. In your continued aggression, is it your intention to bring your liege with you?
His Grace Georgios of Dongola, King of Nubia, Lion of Makuria and Chosen by the Lord the Father"
"Well, kinda.
Sheik Zakariah Qasim of Al'Aqabah, Blessed in the Name of the Prophet and Victorious in the Eyes of Allah"
"If you walk into Nubia without the blessing of your liege, you are surely walking into your own doom. We will meet your blades with blades. Your cowardice will be met by the strength of a unified Nubia. Our pietous armies will stand victorious!
His Grace Georgios of Dongola, King of Nubia, Lion of Makuria and Chosen by the Lord the Father"
"Screw you!
Sheik Zakariah Qasim of Al'Aqabah, Blessed in the Name of the Prophet and Victorious in the Eyes of Allah"
"Oh hi, I'm not sure who you are, but I guess we're at war or something. Yay bloodshed and so on, err, pleased to meet you.
His Grace Vratislaus II, Kind of King of Bohemia, or Duke maybe, we'll see how that works out"
"ok we surrender you're cool
Sheik Zakariah Qasim of Al'Aqabah, ugly in the Name of the Prophet and fat in the Eyes of Allah"
The last message might have been edited by Alexios. Historians disagree.
Oh, please tell me you didn't pay out and actually invaded Bohemia.
Mind you, Phargle has already done that AAR, too, but I'm sure you could survive longer.
Mind you, Phargle has already done that AAR, too, but I'm sure you could survive longer.
Oh cursed be thee, the Bohemian lion yearns for thy throat!
Be prepared for the worst!
That be the Nubian invasion of Central Europe.o
Be prepared for the worst!
That be the Nubian invasion of Central Europe.
o
The Lost Years of Nubia, part 4
Or: No event is so horrible that it can't get worse
A critical examination by Nephthys Moungos, Aswan Sand Hill University
With plague and schlager to the Faculty of Fugly at Halland's Phargle University
The years between 1094 and 1100 were probably not lost as much as they were ignored, due to the fact that nothing interesting whatsoever seems to have happened. Several bodies have been found by archaeologists in awkward positions, most likely practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation just to get one single thrill in life. While the events I will go through below were certainly boring, they did however cause long-term damage to the world. I will use this part of the essay to present all the leading theories about disasters that can be traced directly back to Georgios of Dongola.
1. By sending all his bastards to military school, he gave the vengeful, bitter results of his infidelity the opportunity to plot revenge. A plan that Wahab and Mustafa came up with was later found and adapted by a young German man called Adolf Hitler. The resulting theory, blitzkrieg, sparked the second world war in which tens of millions lost their lives.
Nice work, Georgios.
2. Georgios chose not to march through thirty thousand angry Egyptians, sail over the Mediterranean and march through most of the Byzantine Empire just to fight thousands of Bohemians. The wasted opportunity to wipe out Bohemia ensured the survival of Czech cuisine.
A plate of vepřo-knedlo-zelo. Thanks a lot, Georgios.
3. Before Georgios started banging the Greek, constipation did not exist. However, the genetic cataclysm of his son Alexios, who came to be known as Count Constantly Constipated, gave birth to this new disease. Modern biological and physical research prove that he was so phenomenally constipated that just one look in his eyes mutated the eggs of young women. Every single case of constipation in the world can now be traced back to women Alexios came within a mile of.
This of course includes his wife, the daughter of an excommunicated martial cleric who despite this was canonized before he even died. The paradox was enough to give birth to colon cancer.
Great job, Georgios!
2 b. Come on, they were begging for it! Couldn't you just sail around Africa or something you lazy bastard??
Špekáčky being grilled. I hope you come back to life and die in pain again, you utter wanker.
4. After being forced into marriage by his father, Count Constantly Constipated grew to hate everything around him even more. The conflict between Alexios and the excommunicated saint was so bitter that even today, rain is turning acidic from the remnants of their hate. Lakes go empty, trees die and whole ecosystems are endangered.
You're the man, Georgios!
5. In Egypt, plans were made to destroy all remnants of Nubian art. This was quickly halted as the imminent attack from the rest of the catholic world pushed the new King Usama into an alliance with Nubia. Thanks to this, the sphinx of Taharqa, one of the greatest Nubian pharaohs, was preserved.
This is without argument the most creepy bust ever made, causing numerous art historians to break down and cry. Come on, it looks like a stoned anthropomorphic half-dog half-bear bum with a split nose who just sold his children for crack money.
Get thee behind me, Georgios!
6. This new alliance of heretics and heathens was enough to drive France into war. To differentiate themselves from the Africans, the French added nasal vowels to their version of Latin.
You caused nasal vowels, Georgios! I hope you enjoy hell.
Or: No event is so horrible that it can't get worse
A critical examination by Nephthys Moungos, Aswan Sand Hill University
With plague and schlager to the Faculty of Fugly at Halland's Phargle University
The years between 1094 and 1100 were probably not lost as much as they were ignored, due to the fact that nothing interesting whatsoever seems to have happened. Several bodies have been found by archaeologists in awkward positions, most likely practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation just to get one single thrill in life. While the events I will go through below were certainly boring, they did however cause long-term damage to the world. I will use this part of the essay to present all the leading theories about disasters that can be traced directly back to Georgios of Dongola.
1. By sending all his bastards to military school, he gave the vengeful, bitter results of his infidelity the opportunity to plot revenge. A plan that Wahab and Mustafa came up with was later found and adapted by a young German man called Adolf Hitler. The resulting theory, blitzkrieg, sparked the second world war in which tens of millions lost their lives.
Nice work, Georgios.
2. Georgios chose not to march through thirty thousand angry Egyptians, sail over the Mediterranean and march through most of the Byzantine Empire just to fight thousands of Bohemians. The wasted opportunity to wipe out Bohemia ensured the survival of Czech cuisine.
A plate of vepřo-knedlo-zelo. Thanks a lot, Georgios.
3. Before Georgios started banging the Greek, constipation did not exist. However, the genetic cataclysm of his son Alexios, who came to be known as Count Constantly Constipated, gave birth to this new disease. Modern biological and physical research prove that he was so phenomenally constipated that just one look in his eyes mutated the eggs of young women. Every single case of constipation in the world can now be traced back to women Alexios came within a mile of.
This of course includes his wife, the daughter of an excommunicated martial cleric who despite this was canonized before he even died. The paradox was enough to give birth to colon cancer.
Great job, Georgios!
2 b. Come on, they were begging for it! Couldn't you just sail around Africa or something you lazy bastard??
Špekáčky being grilled. I hope you come back to life and die in pain again, you utter wanker.
4. After being forced into marriage by his father, Count Constantly Constipated grew to hate everything around him even more. The conflict between Alexios and the excommunicated saint was so bitter that even today, rain is turning acidic from the remnants of their hate. Lakes go empty, trees die and whole ecosystems are endangered.
You're the man, Georgios!
5. In Egypt, plans were made to destroy all remnants of Nubian art. This was quickly halted as the imminent attack from the rest of the catholic world pushed the new King Usama into an alliance with Nubia. Thanks to this, the sphinx of Taharqa, one of the greatest Nubian pharaohs, was preserved.
This is without argument the most creepy bust ever made, causing numerous art historians to break down and cry. Come on, it looks like a stoned anthropomorphic half-dog half-bear bum with a split nose who just sold his children for crack money.
Get thee behind me, Georgios!
6. This new alliance of heretics and heathens was enough to drive France into war. To differentiate themselves from the Africans, the French added nasal vowels to their version of Latin.
You caused nasal vowels, Georgios! I hope you enjoy hell.
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