You're becoming too lax on your vassals. Make them feel the pain Morgan was (in)famous for.
Cruel Britannia ruled the waves
- Thread starter Silverbow
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I just had one of them killed just because he stunk up the succession law change.
They've just been extremely obedient so far.
Chapter 15
Guimarc'h tried to educate Jehan's eldest son and thus eventual heir to the Empire in true le Fay way.
[SUB]Alas, he somehow managed to magically lose the trait on his own before he turned 16. I wasn't aware of this being even possible![/SUB]
And while Jehan worked on claims in the Baltic, Guimarc'h lent his assistance to the pope.
[SUB]Deus vult again![/SUB]
It was during the Andalusian campaign that Jehan the Elder, Guimarc'h's father, died. Guimarc'h inherited the duchy of Connacht, but gave it to the countess of Breifne.
[SUB]A completely untrustworthy drunk lesbian. Seems proper![/SUB]
The crusade itself was quite a trivial matter.
[SUB]Empire vs. Emirate, what a fair fight![/SUB]
But what could Guimarc'h do with the lands in Andalusia? He had four sons - Jehan would inherit the (Sith) Empire one day, Ronan was the King of Lotharingia, Stefen was the Duke of Brunswick... that left Seog, married to elder sister of the Basileos, as the only one without a crown. So Guimarc'h had him crowned the King of Andalusia and granted him independence.
[SUB]He's alone in a Muslim region, but he can call Britannia and the Byzantine Empire to his aid at the drop of a hat.[/SUB]
The claims in Sweden kept rolling in.
[SUB]That's the last of Swedish islands.[/SUB]
This, of course, meant war.
[SUB]Sweden's big... but is it strong?[/SUB]
King Stenkil the Great mustered his forces faster, and landed in Scotland. The armies met at Dunkeld.
[SUB]Poof! went the Swedish army.[/SUB]
Not all was going well, though, as Gotland revolted against Stenkil.
[SUB]Cunning, but can it save you?[/SUB]
Stenkil knew when to throw in the towel.
[SUB]Good sense, I suppose he can be called Stenkil the Great.[/SUB]
New counts have arisen on the Baltic islands.
[SUB]How the hell did I miss that Kado was married to a countess?[/SUB]
Guimarc'h tried to claim Gotland yet again.
[SUB]Third time's the charm.[/SUB]
The only thing Guimarc'h loved more than conquest was his wife.
[SUB]Took their time, didn't they?[/SUB]
Conquering Gotland was easy, but the Lord Mayor wouldn't give in until dozens of his trading posts fell.
[SUB]Mass landings![/SUB]
Jehan wasn't idle either.
[SUB]Iceland! We want hákarl![/SUB]
It took a ton of trading posts, but eventually Gotland fell.
[SUB]Wrong type of holding...[/SUB]
A few enterprising Irish families were granted the reborn merchant republic.
[SUB]Have to start basically from scratch, though.[/SUB]
Norway faced a major civil war.
[SUB]Ideal time to claim the hákarl.[/SUB]
Making excellent progress against the Scandinavian countries - keep up the good work!
I'm surprised Gotland didn't surrender to King Stenkil once it seemed like you were winning the war - the computer has a tendency to do that so it completely negates your war effort by forcing you to declare war on a new person. That's one of the reasons why I got turned off CKII - the 'personal' nature of war and the ease of completely invalidating someone's Casus Belli despite all the battles that have been fought, combined with the sheer amount effort needed to siege even a single territory into submission.
Also, I'm surprised you trust the Irish enough to give them territory. Even though they're in the same culture group as Bretons, they might still try to declare independence, unless the recent patches changed a lot of mechanics in this regard. I won't know as I'm not playing a new game of CKII until The Republic goes on sale at GamersGate!
I'm surprised Gotland didn't surrender to King Stenkil once it seemed like you were winning the war - the computer has a tendency to do that so it completely negates your war effort by forcing you to declare war on a new person. That's one of the reasons why I got turned off CKII - the 'personal' nature of war and the ease of completely invalidating someone's Casus Belli despite all the battles that have been fought, combined with the sheer amount effort needed to siege even a single territory into submission.
Also, I'm surprised you trust the Irish enough to give them territory. Even though they're in the same culture group as Bretons, they might still try to declare independence, unless the recent patches changed a lot of mechanics in this regard. I won't know as I'm not playing a new game of CKII until The Republic goes on sale at GamersGate!
What I've always wondered is where all these "claims" come from anyway. I mean how does the king of Britain forge a claim to Gotland anyway?
Actually the bigger danger in this case was Stenkil surrendering to Gotland, which would bring them back into Sweden and change the king - as Gotland was winning that war, given that I obliterated Swedish levies shortly beforehand.
That's a result of the game treating 'my culture' filter as 'my culture group' and of me paying not enough attention.
Or maybe it's a cunning le Fay plot to have the Lord Mayor revolt eventually so that he can be banished for all the juicy republican gold.
Chapter 16
Norway fell quickly, and king Eirik had no choice but to surrender Iceland to Britannia.
[SUB]Oppland Gangnam style![/SUB]
Iceland went to a new duke, of course.
[SUB]A mystic dwarf![/SUB]
Alas, the dwarf was overpowered and deposed mere days after by a small Norse child.
[SUB]Still bigger than the dwarf duke.[/SUB]
In the Holy Roman Empire, the le Fays finally inherited Lotharingia.
[SUB]That's like three le Fay realms besides Britannia.[/SUB]
Anton, next in line to the throne after Jehan, came of age.
[SUB]How the hell did he lose his cruelty?! Here, have a cruel wife.[/SUB]
More claims in the Baltic were procured.
[SUB]Just three left in the Baltic.[/SUB]
Guimarc'h had grandiose plans for upgrading his castles, but he lacked the funds, since what he had was spent on claims and founding new cities in Middlesex and Kent. And so he came up with Operation Inheritance, and invited dozens of old deposed rulers and disgruntled claimants to his court, offering asylum.
[SUB]Only rich ones, of course.[/SUB]
But of course, Guimarc'h was of le Fay blood, and thus the Operation Inheritance soon became Operation Hastened Inheritance.
[SUB]Courtier out, inheritance in.[/SUB]
But not every potential victim was easy to get rid of...
[SUB]Rudolf of Seven Lives.[/SUB]
Denmark fell, and two new Breton counts were promoted.
[SUB]Yes, I paid attention this time.[/SUB]
Ronan le Fay, second son of Guimarc'h's, died in 1174 A.D.. Combined with the continuous failings when dealing with Rudolf von Rheinfelden, this made Guimarc'h stressed.
[SUB]Who wouldn't be stressed if six of their murder plots failed?![/SUB]
But no one lives forever.
[SUB]Not even Rudolf the Cockroach.[/SUB]
A claim in France was obtained.
[SUB]Hmm...[/SUB]
Back in Westminster, the murders (and money) kept rolling in. The court became a place where you couldn't go two steps without finding a dagger in your kidney.
[SUB]In most cases, everyone wanted in on the killing. Talk about a murderous court.[/SUB]
No wonder that Guimarc'h eventually snapped.
[SUB]Wow. First time ever in my games![/SUB]
Some of the courtiers were so kind as to plot murders of their own, which in turn allowed to hasten their exit even more.
[SUB]Via banishment.[/SUB]
Guimarc'h's newfound voices made the murders come in even easier.
[SUB]The victim had 0 intrigue, but was not mentally impaired in any way. Just wow.[/SUB]
A claim was obtained even in the HRE.
[SUB]And the HRE faced a revolt... MWAHAHAHA.[/SUB]
I love how he's still called "the Wise" even though he's a raving lunatic who's killing courtiers left right and centre for their money and laying claim to every island in Europe.
Chapter 17
The Holy Roman Empire faced a major civil war, in which the two biggest rebels were the le Fay Lotharingia and Brunswick. And with his two relatives providing the opening, Guimarc'h struck.
[SUB]Sorry pal, you can't hold any islands.[/SUB]
During the war, Guimarc'h the Wise, in his infinite wisdom, realized the virtues of turnips and made them the official currency of Britannia.
[SUB]I somehow failed when taking the screenshot of the actual Turnip Act text, as mouseover over the OK button covered it with a sea of -10s from my vassals...[/SUB]
The HRE shores quickly fell to Britannian forces, and the Kaiser had to admit defeat.
[SUB]There was another Breton count appointed in Rugen. A cruel one, of course.[/SUB]
To make up the diplomatic relations with the Kaiser, Guimarc'h married not one, but two of his grandsons to the Kaiser's sisters.
[SUB]If you want our armies to leave, you better accept...[/SUB]
Madness was slowly creeping through the Britannian royal court.
[SUB]How else could this be explained?[/SUB]
News arrived from the Levant. Apparently, the Kingdom of Jerusalem that Guimarc'h established as a youth has been on a rampage in Egypt.
[SUB]Well, that's certainly unexpected.[/SUB]
In those days, people slowly came to realize that Guimarc'h wasn't exactly a paragon of virtue.
[SUB]Was he ever just?[/SUB]
Not everyone feared Guimarc'h...
[SUB]Well, that certainly took some courage. But he died before Guimarc'h could get him murdered, so he actually had a point.[/SUB]
Bishop Alor, the court chaplain of Britannia, also went nuts. Guimarc'h seriously considered joining the Cathars, but eventually the opportunity to imprison the bishop proved too much of a lure.
[SUB]Almost done it. Almost...[/SUB]
Instead of new religions, Guimarc'h focused on new methods of murder.
[SUB]Well, it's certainly a new one to me.[/SUB]
He also wanted to fix the wrong division of land in Ireland, where the duke of Munster held way too much land at the expense of the duke of Leinster.
[SUB]Other dukes didn't like that either.[/SUB]
Duke Crimthann chose to resist, however.
[SUB]If only he had known what it'd lead to for him...[/SUB]
Unsurprisingly, Munster stood no chance.
[SUB]Face the might of the Empire, coward![/SUB]
Guimarc'h granted the county of Ossory to his grandson Per, who was instrumental in many of the inheritance scams, and passed it under the duke of Leinster.
[SUB]Capable, that's for sure.[/SUB]
France was weak. France had Zeeland.
[SUB]Don't resist, it's your only island. We can be friends afterwards.[/SUB]
Back in the court, Guimarc'h horse Glitterhoof was appointed the chancellor.
[SUB]Caliguimarc'h![/SUB]
The war for Zeeland required three invasions - as Zeeland declared independence during the war and then re-submitted to France. It didn't help it.
[SUB]Another grandson made a count.[/SUB]
Guimarc'h was really long-lived, just like his legendary grandmother. He survived his two eldest daughters Konstanza and Morgan, and lived to see a claim laid on Corsica.
[SUB]Too bad it surrendered to Pisa.[/SUB]
Can you imagine reading about this in school history books?
"Guimarc'h I of Britannia had a colourful reign in his later years. When he wasn't drowning his vassals in bathtubs or scamming them out of their lands, he was appointing farm animals as advisors (sadly not being the first leader in history to do so) and declaring war on the Empire's previously close allies over small islands. Despite this growing madness, he never had a regent appointed for him, possibly due to all his vassals being terrified of making the suggestion.
"Guimarc'h I of Britannia had a colourful reign in his later years. When he wasn't drowning his vassals in bathtubs or scamming them out of their lands, he was appointing farm animals as advisors (sadly not being the first leader in history to do so) and declaring war on the Empire's previously close allies over small islands. Despite this growing madness, he never had a regent appointed for him, possibly due to all his vassals being terrified of making the suggestion.
Yeah, it's awesome, too bad he got nuts too late to really experience all the insanity possible.
Chapter 18
Guimarc'h organized a grand fair in Westminster, only to see if he'd find some opportunity to brutalize someone.
[SUB]He did.[/SUB]
He also hosted a grand tournament to honor turnips. This led to infuriating results, as duke Crimthann not only had the gall to show up, but he managed to finish second in the whole tournament. This, of course couldn't be tolerated. Guimarc'h had Crimthann thrown into prison, revoked his duchy and then had the man trampled to death by Glitterhoof.
[SUB]That'll teach you to show your traitor mug at my tournaments![/SUB]
Next, Guimarc'h turned to Denmark again.
[SUB]Family or not, you CAN'T HOLD NO BLOODY ISLANDS![/SUB]
The reason for the war? Guimarc'h claimed that the duchy of Sjaelland was infringing on his copyright on red dragons on white fields.
[SUB]Well, it *is* basically identical...[/SUB]
Corsica was next. Guimarc'h didn't even fear Pisan mercenary hordes.
[SUB]Not that they ever showed up.[/SUB]
Pisa went to another of his grandsons.
[SUB]Well, at least he's content.[/SUB]
Late in 1186 A.D., Adelheid Hupoldinger, Empress of Britannia, died. This was used by Guimarc'h as pretext to marry an ugly Rurikovich woman, and then immediately cheat on her with princess Thorborg of Norway.
[SUB]At least Thorborg was hot.[/SUB]
Aside from getting Thorborg pregnant, Guimarc'h focused on the imperial laws, and banned pants.
[SUB]Obviously an attempt to scottify the realm.[/SUB]
Alas, issuing The Pants Act was the last thing Guimarc'h ever did.
[SUB]Hell of an old heir.[/SUB]
Goodbye sweet prince. We shall forever remember you for freeing us from the hideous burden of pants. (Salutes)
I'm going to have to go insane in one of my games, what is it just keep killing people until you're so steep'd in it that should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go o’er, yes?
Guimarc'h inspires me.
I was by turns giggling and cackling throughout. I can only hope your next ruler is half as mad as Guimarc'h.
Chapter 19
Jehan le Fay was crowned Emperor in the summer of 1187 A.D.. He was certainly a brilliant (if really old) man, but quite un-le Fayish in some aspects.
[SUB]Kind? Just? Honest!? And 5 intrigue?!?![/SUB]
His son, Anton, looked no better.
[SUB]Another wuss.[/SUB]
But it wasn't Anton le Fay that made Jehan shiver in horror. It was his grandson, Anton's only son Jehan.
[SUB]Known for 'bravely' sticking his face right into a hornets' nest, among other things.[/SUB]
And while Jerusalem faced a trivial jihad, duke Murdoch of Lothian decided to try to put Anton on the throne prematurely.
[SUB]Lothian vs. Empire, the usual fair fight.[/SUB]
Jehan had the problem called Jeahn Jr. solved. Alas, his lack of skill in the intrigue department took its toll...
[SUB]Lothian's about to fall here as well.[/SUB]
The Lothianese revolt was a joke, and it saw duke Murdoch end up sharing a cell with prince Anton. And while Anton was released, Murdoch lost his duchy, which passed into the hands of the drunk count Wulfnoth of Teviotdale.
[SUB]Wolf Not indeed. Who ever heard of red wolves?[/SUB]
A competition for the Irish peddlers of Gotland arose in the HRE.
[SUB]So long as they stay on the mainland, I don't care.[/SUB]
By 1190 A.D., both of Jehan's daughters have died. This infuriated him enough to go claim the final non-British island in the northern Europe for one of his nephews.
[SUB]Come to papa![/SUB]
And while he was granting islands to some of his nephews, Jehan was taking the wives of the others.
[SUB]Maybe he could sire some capable bastard?[/SUB]
Duke Alor of Lancaster was stupid enough to attempt to fabricate a claim on England. This, of course, ended with him reduced to a count rotting in the dungeons, while a suitably cruel countess was promoted in his stead.
[SUB]Cruel content mystic? Talk about ideal.[/SUB]
Jehan was not growing any younger, but his extramarital activities still resulted in a son. A brilliant son just like he hoped for.
[SUB]That'd be some heir.[/SUB]
Alas, for some reason Jehan couldn't get rid of Anton in the usual le Fay way.
[SUB]Geez, now that I look at it, maybe I could've just imprisoned him and had him executed.[/SUB]
Alas, Jehan the Great barely had time to begin contemplating how to make Georg his heir.
[SUB]Well... damn.[/SUB]
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