Conversations that must have happened in Eu4

[enf91]

Khagan: Mighty horsemen, today we charge the perfidious Kazakh horsemen and pummel them!
General: I'm sorry, my khagan, we can't do that.
K: Why not?
G: We have to wait 3 days for the fire phase to end.
K: But none of us has guns!
G: So that means nobody will die.
K: So what are we supposed to do, stand here looking menacingly at each other?
G: Not at all, my Khagan. Are you up for a game of "Go Fish"?

 

[Krajzen]

- Sir, our glorious Scandinavian fleet is ready to battle Hansa. We have as many ships as them, similarly powerful cannons, similarly trained crew and siimilarly good admirals. Actually, our admiral Svenson is better than his Hanseatic opponent. Should we attack them?
- Yes! There is a risk of defeat but not so big - even if one side wins, this won't give them total domination. However, let's win - this will be one step closer to victory!

Few days later

- Sir, the naval battle with Hanseatic Armada has ended.
- And?
- Well, uhm, the good news is that we destroyed 1/3 of their ships.
- Great! From what I know from ancient books, such naval victories happen rarely!
- Well, there is also a bad news: our entire fleet has been destroyed.
- ..what does it mean: entire fleet?
- All ships.
- You mean, all ships?
- All ships. Every eighty ships.
- Every single of them???
- Yes.
- Not even a single one ESCAPED ON THE OPEN SEA?
- No. We lost 100% of our ship and every single man. Except admiral Svenson, he is just fine.
- He ran away from fight! We lost so badly because we were leaderless!!
- No, he was commanding quite nice in battle.
- So how the hell is it possible for us so completely if our fleets were so equal?!
- Well, the admiral Svenson says it's just how naval warfare works. Back luck, he says.
- Back luck! Hey, guardians - go to him with an axe and if he asks why he is going to be beheaded say him it's just how court works!
- Sir, uhm, it is impossible.
- Why??
- Well, you can't kill your admiral.
- I know many people will be upset and stability will drop but he needs to be -
- No no, I am not talking about that. I mean: you simply cannot kill your admiral. This is what God has said when he was creating the world.
- Where in Earth was it written?
- In the Book of Paradox.







I love this thread

 

[Nassau]

Minister: Sir, I have to report that the people of Friesland decided to go back to the Catholic faith.

King: What? How??

Minister: Well they just grew tired of the Reformed faith I guess.

King: But we spend the last decades fighting Spain and breaking away from their Catholic terror.

Minister: Well apparently the Frisians weren't to sure of it.

King: But but..
King: Like all of them? Or did they just seize power and expel the upper Reformed regents?

Minister: No, the regents went back to the Catholic faith as well.

King: You are saying all of the people in Friesland changed their minds and became Catholics again?

Minister: Basically yes.

King: What about the Jews? The Baptists? The Lutherans?

Minister: I am not sure what you are talking about sir? I looked at the world map and could see no Jewish provinces. And I have never heard of these "Baptists" you are talking about.

King: Well okay then, send our missionary and convert them all back to the Reformed faith.

Minister: I am afraid that won't be possible sir..

King: Why not?

Minister: Well they just converted and there is a penalty so they won't go back soon.

King: We will wait then!

Minister: But could you also do something about the 20k Catholic rebel army from Friesland sieging Gelre?

King: Fuuuu

 

[Nassau]

Minister: France is coming! We are doomed! Flee sir!

King: Lol, let them come. We well flood the land, they will never be able to enter Holland!

Minister: Are you drunk again sir?

King: No! Why!?

Minister: You can not flood land.

King: But we can! We have all the works in place! Dikes, locks, canals..

Minister: Yeah but there is no button.

King: Button? Just send out the word and let them flood the land!

Minister: I would really want to do this sir, but I looked everywhere, I can't press anything related to what you just said.

King: Fuuuu

 

[krieger11b]

(A)dvisor
(K)ing

A: Sir we have taken all 80 of Frances provinces in Europe!
K: Good then, annex them and we will never have to worry about them again!
A: Well....they kind of can't give away more than 5 of their provinces....
K: They are not in a position to negotiate!
A: No the rules set forth by the Gods of Paradox say we can only take so much tax base worth of provinces from them.
K: So I have to beat France 10 more times to annex them, cutting them down by 5 provinces at a time?
A: Yes my King.
K: Oh FFS!

 

[aitaituo]

(A)dvisor
(K)ing

A: Sir we have taken all 80 of Frances provinces in Europe!
K: Good then, annex them and we will never have to worry about them again!
A: Well....they kind of can't give away more than 5 of their provinces....
K: They are not in a position to negotiate!
A: No the rules set forth by the Gods of Paradox say we can only take so much tax base worth of provinces from them.
K: So I have to beat France 10 more times to annex them, cutting them down by 5 provinces at a time?
A: Yes my King.
K: Oh FFS!

A: And each war must have a 15 year truce!
K: No wonder the English gave up after 100 years!

 

[PanzerCorps]

A: And each war must have a 15 year truce!
K: No wonder the English gave up after 100 years!

:rofl:

 

[Challenger2008]

A - Advisor (spymaster)
K - King
B - Bishop

K: You there!
A: Yes my king?
K: If you are as good a spymaster as you are, prove your loyalty to me by journeying to Granada and capturing the heir to their throne!
A: Of course sire, do you plan to inherit their throne?
K: Just do it!

A: My King, I have brought you the heir to the Granadan throne!
K: Excellent, now send him to the interrogators to give me the recipe to his potion of life.
A: ... Excuse me?... My King?...
K: Is he not 347 years old?
A: Well... technically yes.
K: BISHOP!
B: Yes my king?
K: Explain to me, how could God allow a man to live to such an age?
B: Ah, yes. We are well aware of this occurrence. It is just a bug, where if a nation reappears after a long time of not existing, the old heir is still there awaiting his ascent to the throne. For God made the world so complex, that a few bugs are inevitable.
K: So no life potion for me to live forever?
B: I'm afraid not. But fear no more, the book of Revelations says it will be fixed in an upcoming patch.

 

[enf91]

A: And each war must have a 15 year truce!
K: No wonder the English gave up after 100 years!

116, but who's counting?

Ruler of Brandenburg: I'm going to attack you for Silesia!
King of Bohemia: Ha! You don't have a casus belli! Your realm will be thrown into turmoil.
Ruler of Brandenburg: I declare it my divinely inspired mission to claim Silesia! I now have a casus belli!
King of Bohemia: ...
King of Poland: Oh, FFS! I've been spending the last year trying to fabricate a claim!

 

[Zqrfmb]

Advisor: My sultan, the Byzantines have declared war on us, and have blockaded the Bosphorus! We don't have sufficient transport ships to get our troops into greece in high enough numbers to stop them!

Ottoman Sultan: A clever tactic in a desperate last stand by the Greeks for sure, but it has one fatal flaw: we shall just take the same path as our Crimean vassals around the black sea through Moldova

Advisor: Can't do that, your highness, and neither can the Crimeans, Moldova is controlled by Poland, and they won't let us through.

Sultan: So? Poland's their ally, just smash their forces and move on through.

Advisor: You misunderstand, sir, the Polish aren't taking part in this war, but they won't give us military access through their land. Our troops physically cannot set foot in Poland.

Sultan: So... what should we do, then? Just wait for the greeks to force us back into Anatolia?

Advisor: Of course not, sir, we can pass the time laying siege to Trebizond!



And that is how I survived as Byzantium.

 

[ABookshelf]

Adviser: My king we've completely occupied the enemy country and destroyed all of their armies. They've come to us with a peace proposal agreeing to become our vassals. All we need to end this long exhausting war is for you to sign the treaty.

King: I need 4 years worth of diplomatic points before I can sign this treaty.

 

[Mr. ZAP]

Adviser: My king we've completely occupied the enemy country and destroyed all of their armies. They've come to us with a peace proposal agreeing to become our vassals. All we need to end this long exhausting war is for you to sign the treaty.

King: I need 4 years worth of diplomatic points before I can sign this treaty.

That one is more annoying than funny.:glare:

 

[atwix]

Adviser: My king we've completely occupied the enemy country and destroyed all of their armies. They've come to us with a peace proposal agreeing to become our vassals. All we need to end this long exhausting war is for you to sign the treaty.

King: I need 4 years worth of diplomatic points before I can sign this treaty.

in reality you can accept any treaty they offer you ingame, even if you don't have the diplo points. Right?

 

[V1ribus]

in reality you can accept any treaty they offer you ingame, even if you don't have the diplo points. Right?

Correct, although you can go to -100 in any given monarch power point so you do still pay the dip points required, it's just delayed..

 

[Zqrfmb]

Advisor: My lord, your genius of an heir has reached adulthood! If you were to die, there would be no regency and a smooth transition of poewr!

King: Excellent, we shall celebrate his birthday with a hunting trip! Also, let's fire the medicus, we don't need him anyway.

 

[enf91]

Advisor: My king! Your brother and heir has dropped dead at the age of 60!
63-year-old king: Damn. I knew I should've had children. Why didn't he?
****
If the RNG is unfavorable, your entire royal house ceases to exist if your heir dies old enough. I hate that.

 

[lucaluca]

king of prussia: Truly it's a grand day. A year ago the french armies were finally pushed back and we seized the low counties. As of today, our administration is finally firmly in place and we can start collecting taxes, and the chance for the people rising up has been vastly diminished now that they've been integrated into our great realm.

Adviser: Terrible news, sire! The dutch in the low counties have risen up to demand their independence!

King: That's absurd. We just settled matters there. But fine, if we have to put down some rebels, then we'll send in the troops.

Adviser: Ah...there is also the matter of the polish, sire.

King: What of the poles, my good man?

Adviser: They've also revolted, sire. They claim that they are not fairly represented in our great country.

King: ...i...what? How can that be? The poles have been under our dominion since the time of my great, great grandfather. They have contributed countless works of art and literature, hell, they make up the bulk of our army's cavalry! I have personal estates in krakow! What are you on about?

Adviser: Well, you see...since we took the low counties, they are now considered a minority much like the lithuanians. Already rebel armies have formed and seek an independent poland. It's all very tragic.

King: Tragic. Yes. I can...see that. Well. Alright. We'll deal with this. Pull the troops from our eastern borders to help suppress these rebels. Obviously they've lost their minds.

Adviser: I'm not sure that is wise. I was saving the worst news for last, you see.

King: ...go on.

Adviser: After your conquest of the low counties, a coalition has formed against you. Due to our conquests in russia two years back and our recent conquests...well, austria, france, russia, the ottomans, and sweden have all declared war. They cite a coalition against your majesty as the cause.

King: And how many rebels did you say there were?

Adviser: At least a hundred thousand, all to-ah, a hundred and fifty thousand, as of a moment ago.

King: How d-nevermind. Just...i think i'm going to go on vacation. Let me know when the war is over.

looool

 

[Seraphithan]

*The throne room of the king of Connaught, a distressed looking diplomat enters.*

"My king, the English have rejected your peace offer, even though you offered them half your realm. They say they will only accept total annexation."

"Curse those bastards, for 10 years they have occupied all but one colonial province. When will this ordeal end?"

*1 month later an English diplomat arrives.*

"King of Connaught you have been thoroughly beaten. These are our demands: You will cede Leinester to us and give us all your money."

"And?"

"Nothing more. You have one month to respond."

*The diplomat leaves*

"They must be mad... Advisor do we still have that one regiment near Avalon?"

"Yes my lord but shouldn't you accept the English demands immediately? Their madness surely won't last."

"Bah! We still have a month. Tell the regiment to seize Avalon."

"But-"

"Do it!"

*29 days later*

"My lord our troops have taken control of Avalon."

"Get the English diplomat!"

*the diplomat enters the throne room*

"We accept your demands."

"Very well, let there be peace!"

And thus the English won a war but lost a continent.

 

[Packyastuff]

From an old Byzantium game (so I might have misremembered some things), where the united HRE (which inherited Poland-Lithuania) wanted to conquer my level 9 fortress on Kaffa:

HRE General: So, this is the feared fortress of Kaffa, eh? BRING IN THE SIEGE ENGINEERS! Information already?

Siege Engineer 1: ...it will take forever to take this fortress...

HRE General: Why!? We have over a hundred thousand troops besieging it!

Siege Engineer 1: But their garrison is 9,000 men strong, which would mean that, even were the walls breached, we would barely be able to assault the fort without sustaining horrible losses.

HRE General: Well, what are the odds of them surrendering?

Siege Engineer 2: ...minus one hundred percent...

HRE General: WHAT!? They are cut off of all supplies! They should starve to death in less than a year! Anyways, BRING IN THE ARTILLERY TO BRING DOWN THE WALLS!

Artilleryman: Umm... the Archduke/Emperor didn't supply us with any cannons...(1)

HRE General: ...YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!?!?!?

*1 year later...*

HRE General: ...Has the chance of the enemy surrendering increased?

Siege Engineer 3: Yes! It has increased to minus seventy-seven percent!

HRE General: So, that would be some three to five years of sieging?

Siege Engineer 3: If we're lu-

*INTERRUPTION!*

Diplomat: Good news everyone! We have won the war!

HRE General: So this !#%#$ fortress is ours now?

Diplomat: ...No. The Byzantine Emperor decided to grant us the city of Tirgoviste in the new Holy Roman province of Muntenia as tribute.

HRE General: SO WE HAVE BEEN SITTING IN FRONT OF THIS FORT, TAKING HORRENDOUS CASUALTIES FOR A YEAR, AND IT WAS POINTLESS!?!?!?

Diplomat: Yes.

HRE General: SO I HAVE MISSED ALL THE GLORIOUS BATTLES IN THE BALKANS!?!?!?(2)

Diplomat: Yes.

HRE General: ...WHATEVER, I'M TIRED, HUNGRY AND WANT TO GO HOME, SO THESE !@#%@ BYZANTINES CAN STUFF THEIR !#$@!% FORTRESS UP THEIR @$##%#

(Note 1: Yeah, the AI didn't bring any artillery.)
(Note 2: My 200,000 men were curbstomped by the 600,000+ men of the Holy Roman Empire practically daily.)
(Note 3: Yup, it was hilarious to see the Balkans getting overrun by the HRE, while tiny little Kaffa refused to surrender)

 

[atwix]

"King Henry, a pretender has risen and is marching for the capital!"

"Good, make sure he can siege the capital in all comfort.. He clearly is more useful as king as I am. And will you excuse me now, I got to go pick some flowers."


(didn't want to let the thread die )