Conversations that must have happened in Eu4

[MustLoveCats]

S = Sultan of Morocco
A = Advisor
D = Diplomat
P = Peasant

A: "My Sultan, there is an uncolonized province on our borders. We have the proper ideas to colonize it. Shall we?"
S: "Yes, yes! What a magnificent idea! The Moroccan empire shall span all of Africa!"

-- 2 months later --

D: "My Sultan, we bring news from the colonies to our south!"
S: "What is the matter?"
D: "Two matters actually, good news and bad news."
S: "What is the good news?"
D: "Our colony's resource is determined! It now produces naval supplies!"
S: "It's an inland province."
D: "It is?"
S: "Nevermind, just give me the bad news."
D: "The harsh deserts make it almost inhabitable. Many colonists are dying."
S: "What? We are MOROCCO! We have lived in the deserts for our entire lives!"
D: "We're Morocco? Oh, so that explains what all those Iberians are doing sieging Fez."
S: "We're under attack by Iberians? And you didn't tell me?"
D: "I thought they were on vacation!"
S: "YOU'RE FIRED!"
A: "That was a very smart thing to do, my Sult-"
S: "YOU'RE FIRED TOO!"
P: "Oh! Did you hear that? The Sultan just fired two guy-"
S: "FIRED!!"
S: "IN FACT, ALL OF YOU ARE FIRED!! EVERYONE IN MOROCCO!!! EVER!!!!"

-- Morocco later was annexed by the Portugese. Then nationalist rebels appear and recreate Morocco. 3 years later, Morocco falls under a PU with Oirat. --

(This thread was so funny I couldn't let it die.)

 

[Nassau]

Treasurer: King?

King of Scotland: Yes?

T: I counted the ducats yesterday you know..

K: So?

T: Well I counted 134 in total...
T: And..
T: Well I wanted to be sure I counted them correctly..
T: But when I entered the safe I saw coffers filled with ducats stacked to the ceiling..

K: Wonderful!

T: But how.. A miracle by God?? Are we truly aided by the divine hand of our great lord?

K: Nah, I have this thing where I type Alt + 21 then cash and whatever number I want.

T: That is great!

K: Yeah but it is to cold and rainy here, leaving for France now bye!

 

[tapewormlondon]

Omg some of these are God Damn funny

 

[PeterCorless]

Z = Puny King of Zhao
Mi = Mighty Ming Emperor
Ma = Mighty Manchu Warlord
C = Blessed King of Ceylon-India
D = Anxious King of Dai Viet
K = Khmer
T = Taungoo
H = Hathawaddy
S = Shan

Z: Hey, you Dai Viet! We now come after your Buddha. Die Viet!!!
Mi & Ma: Yeah!
D: What? Wait! If you mad at Ceylon-India, why attack me?
Z: How about we all declare war now?
Mi & Ma: Yeah!
D: No!
C: Srsly. Not good idea I tell you!
Z, Mi & Ma: Charge!!!
D: Help!
C: Wait. No one pick on Buddha-buddies. Okay. Hey, rest of allies. Come to help!
K, H, S: Charge!!!

(Much fighting results in big besieging of Z, Mi and Ma lands)

C, D, K, H, S: Yay! We win!
Mi & Ma: Ouch! Idiot! Why we lose?
Z: Ouch! How I to know Buddha > Confucius?
Mi: Forget you as ally. Now I attack you!
Z: Wait. What? Help! Someone!
C: Soz. Pick better ally next time!
Z: Glurgh!

 

[aitaituo]

Playing with your dolls again, Peter?

 

[Farengeto]

Advisor - The enemy's armies are all dead and their castles are ours.
King - Excellent! Now demand their annexation!
A - It is done- OH MY GOD 20000 REBELS JUST ROSE UP!
K - But they didn't even have an army that size!


(The below is a true story.)

Advisor - Sir! Our ally requests aid against Poland and two of our rivals!
King - Good! Going to war with them will boost our power projection.
A - I'm sorry sir. Poland is their war leader, we don't get anything
K - ...

---Later---
A - We've occupied four enemy provinces and have half a dozen more under siege!
K - See if they'll let us keep one of the provinces of our culture.
A - I'm sorry sir, you must have 10 war score to make demands.

---Later still---
A - Sir, they've made peace with our enemies!
K - Good, when are the negotiations?
A - It's already over, they've accepted the peace offer.
K - Did we at least get that province we had a claim on?
A - No.
K - Then continue the war! We must take our rightful land, I even have a mission for it!
A - We can't sir, they've ended it for us.
K - ...

---Lots and lots of save scumming later---
A - Sir, they've made peace with our enemies! And they gave us a province too!
K - Was it the one we had a mission for?
A - ...

 

[sti]

A:My king those Ottoman devils have gone too far they have conquered all the states up to the borders of India we must do something about this!
K: Of course we should join together in a might coalition with all who oppose them.

A bit later..

A: We have heard news that the evil Ottomans have attacked Spain another member of our grand coalition.
K: who is this Spain I've never heard of them!
A: I guess it is a country on the far side of the Ottoman empire, so far away we haven't discovered them yet.
K: Wait so this Ottoman empire is so huge we don't know about the countries on the other side of it? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

 

[calvinhobbeslik]

Wait so this Ottoman empire is so huge we don't know about the countries on the other side of it? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Brilliant.

 

[Chimerae]

My dear son, join this groop of 1000 mercenaries and board this cog. I want you to sail to China with no delay!

- But why father, what should I do there?

Just do it!

- Alright, I'm on my way.



* Somewhere in the Indian Ocean - ship sinks *



- Hello father, I'm back.

Where is the rest of your crew??

- They drowned in the Indian Ocean father, the place where our ship sunk.

And you swam all the way back here??

- Nope. TELEPORTATION!!

 

[PeterCorless]

Playing with your dolls again, Peter?

It wasn't so much a brag as how I thought it was funny/odd that Zhao got Ming & Manchu into a war, and then, as soon as it's over, Ming broke alliance and attacked Zhou. "You idiot!"

 

[1337Marth]

Ethiopian King: "We must settle that place to flank Morocco!"
Ehiopian Advisor: "We can't!"
EK: "Why?"
EA: "It's a wasteland!"
EK: "Wasteland? IT HAS THE SAME EXACT WEATHER CONDITIONS AS OUR HOME!"

 

[DukeDayve]

"Why the hell did my 3 fantastic heirs have to die and leave me with this drooling idiot?"

-every ruler I've ever played as ever.

 

[StarlightTW]

King of Prussia: Truly it's a grand day. A year ago the French armies were finally pushed back and we seized the Low Counties. As of today, our administration is finally firmly in place and we can start collecting taxes, and the chance for the people rising up has been vastly diminished now that they've been integrated into our great realm.

Adviser: Terrible news, sire! The Dutch in the Low Counties have risen up to demand their independence!

King: That's absurd. We just settled matters there. But fine, if we have to put down some rebels, then we'll send in the troops.

Adviser: Ah...there is also the matter of the Polish, Sire.

King: What of the Poles, my good man?

Adviser: They've also revolted, Sire. They claim that they are not fairly represented in our great country.

King: ...I...what? How can that be? The Poles have been under our dominion since the time of my great, great grandfather. They have contributed countless works of art and literature, hell, they make up the bulk of our army's cavalry! I have personal estates in Krakow! What are you on about?

Adviser: Well, you see...since we took the Low Counties, they are now considered a minority much like the Lithuanians. Already rebel armies have formed and seek an independent Poland. It's all very tragic.

King: Tragic. Yes. I can...see that. Well. Alright. We'll deal with this. Pull the troops from our eastern borders to help suppress these rebels. Obviously they've lost their minds.

Adviser: I'm not sure that is wise. I was saving the worst news for last, you see.

King: ...go on.

Adviser: After your conquest of the Low Counties, a coalition has formed against you. Due to our conquests in Russia two years back and our recent conquests...well, Austria, France, Russia, the Ottomans, and Sweden have all declared war. They cite a coalition against your majesty as the cause.

King: And how many rebels did you say there were?

Adviser: At least a hundred thousand, all to-ah, a hundred and fifty thousand, as of a moment ago.

King: How d-nevermind. Just...I think I'm going to go on vacation. Let me know when the war is over.

 

[enf91]

"His Imperial Majesty, the Archduke of Austria, demands that you, two-province Magdeburg, return the province of Mecklenburg to its rightful owner!"
"No."
"Well, alright, then."

 

[aitaituo]

"The Ottomans are invading Persia, they have already crushed their armies and have besieged the whole country!"
"We can not allow them to conquer to our own borders. The Turk must be stopped here! Inform the Shah of Persia our host comes to their aid."
"The Persians do not like us enough to let us help them."
"They are being crushed helpless and will be completely annexed."
"The Persians are a proud people. They will however grant us military access."
"Fine, simply declare war on the Ottomans and we will rescue Persia whether they like it or not."
"We can do that, Raja, but our people will think you a ravenous jackal and all nations will protest your naked aggression."
"Just fabricate a trade dispute and then declare war!"
"I...don't know how. I didn't buy the DLC."

 

[Cromwell-M]

Medieval infantry rage

- Advisor, I want to change my Improved tercios for Medieval infantry

- But, my king, we are in 1650. Are you sure ?

- Do it

- But we no longer know how to manufacturate halberds...

- Do it, the interface says I can

- But I will cost us as much ducats as it costs to maintain infantry with high-end muskets

- Seriously ?

- Yes, but they will have as much morale as our current troops, my lord !

 

[Krajzen]

(The below is a true story.)

Advisor - Sir! Our ally requests aid against Poland and two of our rivals!
King - Good! Going to war with them will boost our power projection.
A - I'm sorry sir. Poland is their war leader, we don't get anything
K - ...

---Later---
A - We've occupied four enemy provinces and have half a dozen more under siege!
K - See if they'll let us keep one of the provinces of our culture.
A - I'm sorry sir, you must have 10 war score to make demands.

---Later still---
A - Sir, they've made peace with our enemies!
K - Good, when are the negotiations?
A - It's already over, they've accepted the peace offer.
K - Did we at least get that province we had a claim on?
A - No.
K - Then continue the war! We must take our rightful land, I even have a mission for it!
A - We can't sir, they've ended it for us.
K - ...

---Lots and lots of save scumming later---
A - Sir, they've made peace with our enemies! And they gave us a province too!
K - Was it the one we had a mission for?
A - ...

I hate these f****** up warleader mechanics...

K: Wait so this Ottoman empire is so huge we don't know about the countries on the other side of it? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

:rofl:

"His Imperial Majesty, the Archduke of Austria, demands that you, two-province Magdeburg, return the province of Mecklenburg to its rightful owner!"
"No."
"Well, alright, then."

:rofl:






COMMONWEALTH, YEAR 1630
11 OCTOBER
- Damn, we need allies against this pesky Russia! Hey my best and great diplomat, Zbigniew Potocki, I have a mission for you - you have to go China and offer them alliance. We have a common enemy.
- Yes sir.
12 OCTOBER
- Our great king, sir Zbigniew Potocki is phoning you from China.
- ...What is he doing??

- King, I have great news - we have an alliance with China.
- But you just went to faraway Cathay yesterday!
- By the evening I was in Beijing but the Emperor went to sleep already.
- But how - what - and how the hell are you speaking with me?! Is it some kind of black magic? Or a God helps us fighting Russian heretics with a miracle?
- Oh, it's just a little secret of Global Diplomat Organisation, these strange yet wise Chinese invented a telephone along gunpowder
- So I wanna this telephone to so I can talk to the entire Christian world instantly!
- Sir, sorry but when God was making the world, he forbid anyone but messengers from using telephones. It has been written in the Book of Paradox.
- What the - uhh nevermind. Congratulations for this alliance, it will help us greatly. So, yesterday when you will be home your country needs you once more...
- Five months.
- What: five months??
- I need five months to return from Cathay, sir, it is very faraway land.
- But you travelled to Cathay for less than one day!
- Yes, but Diplomatic Airlines never go backwards. Thus I have to return via horse. This is also the rule of our almighty God.
- ...
Let's change the plans - well if you are already in Orient and returning is so difficult, I would ask you to go to Nippon and offer them -
- Uhh I don't tink it is possible, Sir. I am very tired. I need to return to Poland.
- What? You spent less than one day in China!
- I know I know but uhm negotiations have been really exhausting
- Wait, so there were problems? What happened?
- No, everything went quickyl and friendly, I simply don't remember...
- ...couldn't you at least bring me this Chinese alcohol?
- I have absolutely no idea what are you talking about, o great King.
- I have absolutely no idea why the hell I am hiring you.
- O King, you don't hire me. I am completely for free.
- Oh. Yeah. OK then, I don't care. Just return to us.
- Bye.

<king is very confused> Wait, so if I don't even pay him, how does he live?
<Main Advisor> Well, acually I wanted to talk about that, o King. It is pretty interesting that sir Zbigniew Potocki is working from Poland since 1444.
- ...so he is immortal as well?!
- Well, in the Book of Paradox it is written that God created two kinds of beings: free mortal men and immortal Diplomats but without real free will. They have one and only one goal, obeying their kings.
- Oh. I guess this world couldn't work with human beings being regular diplomats. Personally I would hate to spend my life on travelling through some steppes and dealing with barbarians for free.

 

[Lapsed Pacifist]

"My king! You have committed an inexcusable faux pas in front of the entire court and humiliated the crown! Now the country has been plunged into instability!"
"The court? What?! But I'm 2000 miles away besieging a fort in Tierra del Fuego!"
"...."

 

[Nassau]

Captain: Sir, are you sure about this?

King: Yeah, just go for it.

Captain: But we haven't got a clue about what is there. For all we know it is all ocean.

King: Trust me, it will be okay.

Captain: Also your directions, they seem so oddly specific.

King: Sigh, trust me, really.

Captain: No but here you wrote "Go to the Caribbean, then Florida and then discover the bay of Mexico.

King: So?

Captain: Well I don't even know if there is land at all, lot alone how it looks like and what their names are...
Captain: Did you start drinking again?

 

[Nassau]

Captain: Sir I did what you said. I discovered a whole new continent and all was just like you said!

King: Told ya!

Captain: But I still have a question or two..

King: Sigh, what now?

Captain: Well I discovered all these new lands, I am sure I am the first European to go there.

King: Yes excellent, keep the others in the dark and soon all those lands will be ours!

Captain: Yeah okay, sure, we will do that. But since we discovered these lands and stuff...
Captain: Why do they all have these weird lands have mostly Spanish names? Aren't we the Netherlands?

King: So? Why am I a king?

Captain: Because The Netherlands is a Kingdom sir?

King: huehuehue.