In the gaaaaaameeeee. Riiiight....Its kinda sad the above situation is sometimes quite close to the cesspool mess Balkans and Black sea region can be.
In the GAME of course, before I get 100 hate comments
Conversations that must have happened in Eu4
- Thread starter Vordeo
- Start date
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Khan: Burn it! Burn it all to the ground! Let no shelter stand for these weaklings, no person shall survive our onslaught on this land!
Adviser: But sir, the land is yours! Wouldn't it be smart to keep the land as prosperous as possible?
Khan: Foolish fool! We shall simply return the land to our enemies, and take it once more in 30 years.
Adviser: 50,000 of our strongest men died securing thing prosperous land, all for nothing?
Khan: Yes. But the unity of our tribes shall be increased tremendously.
Adviser: But the only adult men left are you, your brother, me, the general, and the admiral you hired for no reason!
Khan: Exactly!
Razing in Cossacks
Adviser: But sir, the land is yours! Wouldn't it be smart to keep the land as prosperous as possible?
Khan: Foolish fool! We shall simply return the land to our enemies, and take it once more in 30 years.
Adviser: 50,000 of our strongest men died securing thing prosperous land, all for nothing?
Khan: Yes. But the unity of our tribes shall be increased tremendously.
Adviser: But the only adult men left are you, your brother, me, the general, and the admiral you hired for no reason!
Khan: Exactly!
Razing in Cossacks
- 15
King of Spain: "Please send us our finest diplomat. The king of Russia just sent us word of the birth of a new heir, and he asked ME to become Godfather!"
*Diplomat arrives*
Diplomat: " My liege, I will handle this visit with the utmost care. I'll carry word of your acceptance immediatly. King Rurikovich will be most pleased"
*diplomat walks out of the room*
King of Spain: "DAMMIT I forgot to give him my present for the queen mother! Call him back!"
Advisor: "He is already there, my lord.. Too late."
King of Spain: "But.. He was.. He just... Call him back!"
Advisor: "Impossible my liege, he is already... Erhm... We'll behead him later!"
*Diplomat arrives*
Diplomat: " My liege, I will handle this visit with the utmost care. I'll carry word of your acceptance immediatly. King Rurikovich will be most pleased"
*diplomat walks out of the room*
King of Spain: "DAMMIT I forgot to give him my present for the queen mother! Call him back!"
Advisor: "He is already there, my lord.. Too late."
King of Spain: "But.. He was.. He just... Call him back!"
Advisor: "Impossible my liege, he is already... Erhm... We'll behead him later!"
- 10
- Brothers, the time of our liberation is near! Soon, when old duke of Burgundy dies, we will become free!
- Wait, what? Is the new duke going to liberate us?
- Of course not!
- Is his claim to our throne too weak for him to be the rightful duke of Brabant?
- No, it's as strong as ever!
- Did someone forced him to free us?
- Well, who? We haven't lost any war in the last 20 years!
- So why are we going to be free nation?
- Well, have you heard that yersterday duke of Burgundy has boorishly rejected Italian engineer service?
- No, why would we? How do you even know it so fast?
- That lack of good manners has already caused disgustment in all the civilised world, and... it caused him to become UNPRESTIGIOUS!
- And what it has to do with us?
- Well, that means we must separate ourselves from the Burgundian crown!
- But we don't even want to be free! Our Liberty Desire is 3%! We love Burgundians! We benefit from their protection and rule!
- So what? Isn't it good to be independent?
- But the duke will declare war on us in order to restore union! And he has already annexed Flanders and Holland and has eaten half of France! We are never going to win this! And even if we do, our neighbors will attack and counquer us! And no one will help us, because our Diplomatic Reputation is too low from 0 legitimacy we will get with no legitimate ruler! Brabant will lose independence again and become a pile of burning scraps!
- Erm... But... Well... Do you want to live in a country ruled by someone who is seen as slightly unprestigious by rest of the world?
- Never! To arms, Brabantians! Liberty of death!
- Wait, what? Is the new duke going to liberate us?
- Of course not!
- Is his claim to our throne too weak for him to be the rightful duke of Brabant?
- No, it's as strong as ever!
- Did someone forced him to free us?
- Well, who? We haven't lost any war in the last 20 years!
- So why are we going to be free nation?
- Well, have you heard that yersterday duke of Burgundy has boorishly rejected Italian engineer service?
- No, why would we? How do you even know it so fast?
- That lack of good manners has already caused disgustment in all the civilised world, and... it caused him to become UNPRESTIGIOUS!
- And what it has to do with us?
- Well, that means we must separate ourselves from the Burgundian crown!
- But we don't even want to be free! Our Liberty Desire is 3%! We love Burgundians! We benefit from their protection and rule!
- So what? Isn't it good to be independent?
- But the duke will declare war on us in order to restore union! And he has already annexed Flanders and Holland and has eaten half of France! We are never going to win this! And even if we do, our neighbors will attack and counquer us! And no one will help us, because our Diplomatic Reputation is too low from 0 legitimacy we will get with no legitimate ruler! Brabant will lose independence again and become a pile of burning scraps!
- Erm... But... Well... Do you want to live in a country ruled by someone who is seen as slightly unprestigious by rest of the world?
- Never! To arms, Brabantians! Liberty of death!
- 27
- 1
-Oh look, our allies are fighting just 2 provinces away from us!
-Forget about it. Here's our transport fleet coming.
-Why do we need a transport fleet?
-To get to Americas, of course.
-And why would we do that?
-Our ally's colonial nation has 2 enemy soldiers within its borders
-But... the battle here is much more important and there's no risk of hundreds of soldiers dying of starvation during the naval trip.
-Come on man, if we don't help them on the other side of the world, they will lose 6 grain producing provinces!
-GRAIN?! TO ARMS MEN, OVER THE ATLANTIC!
-Forget about it. Here's our transport fleet coming.
-Why do we need a transport fleet?
-To get to Americas, of course.
-And why would we do that?
-Our ally's colonial nation has 2 enemy soldiers within its borders
-But... the battle here is much more important and there's no risk of hundreds of soldiers dying of starvation during the naval trip.
-Come on man, if we don't help them on the other side of the world, they will lose 6 grain producing provinces!
-GRAIN?! TO ARMS MEN, OVER THE ATLANTIC!
- 14
- 1
the pun at the end surprised me, but then I laughed out loud..
- 1
French diplomatic advisor: "my liege, the treacherous Pope excommunicated us! He states that France' claim on Avignon is heretical, and that its an insult to God to have an intent to steal the holiday home of God's representative on earth!"
King Louis Baguette: "Preposterous! What do you propose?"
Advisor: "We have 7 influencal cardinals living within our borders my liege.. And the Pope is old and also feeble, as you surely concluded by now. We should be able to use donation based decision tactic on the cardinals."
King Baguette: "You mean bribing? Hmm, I hear those cardinals have a taste for wine. Grant them all deeds to some of our best vineyards in Provence and try to convince them to make US decide who will be the next Pope. Oh, and attack the Pope! I want that holiday home of his. That 'll show him who is boss."
*some time later*
French herald: "My liege! Great news! Your nephew is elected as the new Pope!
King Baguette: "Fantastic! But why are you shuffling your feet?"
French herald: "Well.. Spain decided to attack the new excommunicated Curia Controller.. They cite "kill the unbeliever" as their casus belli.."
King Baguette: "Grmpf, maybe I shouldn't have shipped all my troops to Rome after all.."
London, 20 years before the Victorian era
King: What do you mean the world is ending?
Advisor: Well we found proof of it in this calendar...
King: You mean that ridiculous Mayan calendar? I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for 200 years? Did our astronomer read that wrong?
Advisor: No my liege. We found a more accurate depiction of the end times from.... a new calendar.
King: Where is this new calendar from? And when does it say the world will end?
Advisor: It's called the Paradoxian calendar, from Sweeden. It says the world is ending in 1821.
King: What do you mean the world is ending?
Advisor: Well we found proof of it in this calendar...
King: You mean that ridiculous Mayan calendar? I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for 200 years? Did our astronomer read that wrong?
Advisor: No my liege. We found a more accurate depiction of the end times from.... a new calendar.
King: Where is this new calendar from? And when does it say the world will end?
Advisor: It's called the Paradoxian calendar, from Sweeden. It says the world is ending in 1821.
- 12
- 1
Bohemia: Fellow Electors! Charles VII von Habsburg is dead, and now we are given a chance to start this Empire again! Over the course of the last century, Austria has done nothing but abuse its position as Emperor to gobble up small defenseless princes of our Holy Empire without opposition! He has actively allied and encouraged our greatest threat, le baguette, and seeks to use the system he lords over only for his own gain! My fellow Prince-Electors, pray tell, who amongst you still would vote for the continued tyranny of Habsburgia?
[Trier, Brandenburg, Mainz, Cologne, The Palatinate, and Wurzburg all turn and look at each other for a moment.
They turn back towards Bohemia and all raise their hands.
Bohemia collapses back down into his seat, dejected.]
[Trier, Brandenburg, Mainz, Cologne, The Palatinate, and Wurzburg all turn and look at each other for a moment.
They turn back towards Bohemia and all raise their hands.
Bohemia collapses back down into his seat, dejected.]
- 1
King: So, you're telling me it took you less than a day to get there but it took you 24 days to get back?
Drunken Diplomat: Traffic was horrific. *burp*
Drunken Diplomat: Traffic was horrific. *burp*
- 7
Adviser: My Liege! Your only son and heir is dead!
(4/4/3)
King:My line has ended!!! *cough* I mean, Oh well, can't do anything about that.
*all the foreign diplomats start scribbling in notebooks*
-10 prestige
Adviser: Worse yet, a foreign heir from House Habsburg of Austria, France and Russia is next in line!
(6/5/6)
King:...I hear that the battlefield is a nice place to mourn.
(4/4/3)
King:
*all the foreign diplomats start scribbling in notebooks*
-10 prestige
Adviser: Worse yet, a foreign heir from House Habsburg of Austria, France and Russia is next in line!
(6/5/6)
King:...I hear that the battlefield is a nice place to mourn.
- 5
Adviser: My king, the end is near.
King: Why?
A: The holy gods of Paradox enforced an "update" on our blessed kingdom.
K: Oh, the holy gods are always right.
A: But this will set us back in a world 200 years ago. Your blessed kingdom will loose all your honorable gains!
K: I don't care, with the "update" my blessed kingdom will get a fancy new colour on the maps!
King: Why?
A: The holy gods of Paradox enforced an "update" on our blessed kingdom.
K: Oh, the holy gods are always right.
A: But this will set us back in a world 200 years ago. Your blessed kingdom will loose all your honorable gains!
K: I don't care, with the "update" my blessed kingdom will get a fancy new colour on the maps!
- 2
-on board of a ship, in the middle of the ocean-
Explorer: Aaargh.... *dies*
Crew Member: Oh no, our explorer is dead. What are we going to do?
First Mate: No worries, we spoke before, I will take over.
C: You will... Oh right. You know, it has been some time since we were on land the last time.
F: Yes it is. But I don't see wha...
C: We're out of supplies.
F: But you were fine seconds ago!
C: We don't feel too well either... Like we haven't eaten in months.
F: You were perfectly healthy!
C: Oh, is that a storm ahead?
F: What storm?
C: And that wave... higher than the capital's church tower, I'd bet.
F: The ship goes down with its captain.
Explorer: Aaargh.... *dies*
Crew Member: Oh no, our explorer is dead. What are we going to do?
First Mate: No worries, we spoke before, I will take over.
C: You will... Oh right. You know, it has been some time since we were on land the last time.
F: Yes it is. But I don't see wha...
C: We're out of supplies.
F: But you were fine seconds ago!
C: We don't feel too well either... Like we haven't eaten in months.
F: You were perfectly healthy!
C: Oh, is that a storm ahead?
F: What storm?
C: And that wave... higher than the capital's church tower, I'd bet.
F: The ship goes down with its captain.
- 14
Halach Uinik of great Cocomes Kingdom: We have made 5 reforms to our religion and we control all of Central America. I think it's time to formally recreate the League of Mayapatan!
Advisor: But my Halach Uinik, we can't do that yet!
H: Why?
A: We still need to make a huge reform to our religion and society!
H: What reform? We live and worship like that since hundreds of years.
A: I don't know either, but before we recreate the Mayan Empire, we must pass this reform.
H: And how do we do that?
A: We need those white people we've never heard about to create a colony next to us.
H: We don't even know where Europe is. Also, don't they spread dangerous epidemies?
A: Yes they do, but we need them to pass this reform.
H: Why?
A: Dunno. Just wait.
Advisor: But my Halach Uinik, we can't do that yet!
H: Why?
A: We still need to make a huge reform to our religion and society!
H: What reform? We live and worship like that since hundreds of years.
A: I don't know either, but before we recreate the Mayan Empire, we must pass this reform.
H: And how do we do that?
A: We need those white people we've never heard about to create a colony next to us.
H: We don't even know where Europe is. Also, don't they spread dangerous epidemies?
A: Yes they do, but we need them to pass this reform.
H: Why?
A: Dunno. Just wait.
- 4
At the court of King Lazar, Despot of Serbia
King: It is good to be the Despot.
Chancellor: Oh? Cheating on your wife again, my liege?
King: What? No, we are not in the Middle Ages anymore. No, i just meant that it is good to rule these lands and be loved by everyone. Surely our nobles like me a lot, dont they?
Chancellor: Well, not really, my liege.
King: Why not? I gave them so much land! How can they not like me?
Chancellor: Well, with so much land, their power has started to grow too fast. In fact, they are planning a "noble coup" againt you. Truly "desastrous".
King: But...what can we do?
Chancellor: Conquering new lands may be an option, my liege. Surely this would change the power balance between the estates...
King: Excellent idea! We shall smash Ragusa! Their armies are no match for us! And their "center of trade" will make us all wealthy!
Chancellor: My liege, Ragusa is guaranteed by the Ottomans. We would have to fight them too!
King: WHAT? Why? Did they vassalize Ragusa? Are they allied? Do they receive their "trade power"?
Chancellor: No. They just....like them.
King: Oh well. Then we need strong allies to fight both Ragusa and the Ottomans. Send a message to the Austrian emperor!
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. Austria has allied the Ottomans.
King: WHAT? Why?
Chancellor: Well, they dont regard each other as "competing great powers" anymore. This has changed just recently..
King: Damn. How about Hungary then?
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. Hungary has a "strategic interest" on our provinces. They want our grain, you know. This has changed just recently..
King: WHAT? Oh well. Then send a message to the Byzantine Emperor! Sure, their empire is just a shadow of its former self, but the mighty byzantine fleet might confine the Ottoman armies to Asia, and we...
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. The Ottomans have somehow learned to cross the strait of Marmara even under blockade. It seems they have learned to jump very high. This has changed just recently..
King: WHAT?? Oh. Then send a message to the King of Poland. Together we shall...
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. Poland does not "trust" us anymore.
King: But i married the Kings only daughter!
Chancellor: Certainly, but they still don´t "trust" us. This has changed just recently..
King: Then we will fight the Ottomans and Ragusa alone! Our mighty Cossacks will smash their janissaries to pieces, and we will...
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. There are no Cossacks in Serbia.
King: But our cavalry is called "Southern Cossacks"!! We are the home of the Hussars! We have the Alemannic Guard! Our cavalry is legendary!
Chancellor: Well, the Cossacks said they cant survive on our blooming green hills and fertile green fields. They said they can only live in the steppes, without water and food..
King: ...
King: Chancellor, i have changed my mind. Let the nobles have their coup. I´m outta here...
King: It is good to be the Despot.
Chancellor: Oh? Cheating on your wife again, my liege?
King: What? No, we are not in the Middle Ages anymore. No, i just meant that it is good to rule these lands and be loved by everyone. Surely our nobles like me a lot, dont they?
Chancellor: Well, not really, my liege.
King: Why not? I gave them so much land! How can they not like me?
Chancellor: Well, with so much land, their power has started to grow too fast. In fact, they are planning a "noble coup" againt you. Truly "desastrous".
King: But...what can we do?
Chancellor: Conquering new lands may be an option, my liege. Surely this would change the power balance between the estates...
King: Excellent idea! We shall smash Ragusa! Their armies are no match for us! And their "center of trade" will make us all wealthy!
Chancellor: My liege, Ragusa is guaranteed by the Ottomans. We would have to fight them too!
King: WHAT? Why? Did they vassalize Ragusa? Are they allied? Do they receive their "trade power"?
Chancellor: No. They just....like them.
King: Oh well. Then we need strong allies to fight both Ragusa and the Ottomans. Send a message to the Austrian emperor!
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. Austria has allied the Ottomans.
King: WHAT? Why?
Chancellor: Well, they dont regard each other as "competing great powers" anymore. This has changed just recently..
King: Damn. How about Hungary then?
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. Hungary has a "strategic interest" on our provinces. They want our grain, you know. This has changed just recently..
King: WHAT? Oh well. Then send a message to the Byzantine Emperor! Sure, their empire is just a shadow of its former self, but the mighty byzantine fleet might confine the Ottoman armies to Asia, and we...
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. The Ottomans have somehow learned to cross the strait of Marmara even under blockade. It seems they have learned to jump very high. This has changed just recently..
King: WHAT?? Oh. Then send a message to the King of Poland. Together we shall...
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. Poland does not "trust" us anymore.
King: But i married the Kings only daughter!
Chancellor: Certainly, but they still don´t "trust" us. This has changed just recently..
King: Then we will fight the Ottomans and Ragusa alone! Our mighty Cossacks will smash their janissaries to pieces, and we will...
Chancellor: Sorry, my Despot. There are no Cossacks in Serbia.
King: But our cavalry is called "Southern Cossacks"!! We are the home of the Hussars! We have the Alemannic Guard! Our cavalry is legendary!
Chancellor: Well, the Cossacks said they cant survive on our blooming green hills and fertile green fields. They said they can only live in the steppes, without water and food..
King: ...
King: Chancellor, i have changed my mind. Let the nobles have their coup. I´m outta here...
- 15
- 1
QUOTE=Tript
'Sir! Was it a good idea that we turn right at milan?'
'Goddamn are you questioning my sense of direction?!'
'Sir! Was it a good idea that we turn right at milan?'
'Goddamn are you questioning my sense of direction?!'
- 4
King: "My heir doesn't grow!"
Blind advisor: "Yes my liege, I've had the same thing happen when I got older..."
King: "No you blind fool, I mean my heir doesn't AGE!"
Whimpering Blind advisor: "Of course my liege, the hair of a KING never ages.."
King: "That's it... I give up."
Blind advisor: "I would try a hair tonic, then it will grow for sure!"
- 7
- 1
Something that's happening in my game right now:
Advisor: "My king, Lithuania has become the junior partner in a PU!"
King: "Excellent! The Commonwealth has been formed!"
Advisor: "The what?"
*five years later*
Advisor: ""My king, Aragon has become the junior partner in a PU!"
King: "Ah! Spain has been formed!"
Advisor: "Again, the what?"
King: "Spain. It's what happens when Aragon and Castile get together..."
Advisor: "But, my king! We are not Castile!"
King: "Now that you mention it... that's weird. I could have sworn that Aragon gets into a PU under... now wait a minute, advisor. Are we Poland?"
Advisor: "No, my king! We are Brabant!"
King: "Really? I could have sworn that was not supposed to happen. Lithuania and Aragon always fall under PUs in the 1440s..."
Advisor: "But, my king! It's the 1680s!"
King: "Now that you mention it... deja vu."
Advisor: "Also..."
King: "Yes?"
Advisor: "My king, the Ottomans have declared war on Byzantium with a Conquest CB!"
King: "Ah, you were trying to deceive me. So this is the 1440s after all. If this were the 1680s, they'd have used the Nationalism CB. Right?"
Advisor: "My king, this could be a rare opportunity to seize Russia's East Indian colonies while the Ottomans keep them busy."
King: "Russia? What are they doing here?"
Advisor: "They are allied to Byzantium."
King: "And the Ottomans?"
Advisor: "They are allied to the Pope."
King: "The Pope."
Advisor: "The Pope."
King: "The Pope."
Advisor: "The Pope."
King: "The Pope is helping the infidel to reconquer Constantinople."
Advisor: "Yes, my king."
King: "This is why we became Protestant. These Catholics are crazy..."
Advisor: "My king, Lithuania has become the junior partner in a PU!"
King: "Excellent! The Commonwealth has been formed!"
Advisor: "The what?"
*five years later*
Advisor: ""My king, Aragon has become the junior partner in a PU!"
King: "Ah! Spain has been formed!"
Advisor: "Again, the what?"
King: "Spain. It's what happens when Aragon and Castile get together..."
Advisor: "But, my king! We are not Castile!"
King: "Now that you mention it... that's weird. I could have sworn that Aragon gets into a PU under... now wait a minute, advisor. Are we Poland?"
Advisor: "No, my king! We are Brabant!"
King: "Really? I could have sworn that was not supposed to happen. Lithuania and Aragon always fall under PUs in the 1440s..."
Advisor: "But, my king! It's the 1680s!"
King: "Now that you mention it... deja vu."
Advisor: "Also..."
King: "Yes?"
Advisor: "My king, the Ottomans have declared war on Byzantium with a Conquest CB!"
King: "Ah, you were trying to deceive me. So this is the 1440s after all. If this were the 1680s, they'd have used the Nationalism CB. Right?"
Advisor: "My king, this could be a rare opportunity to seize Russia's East Indian colonies while the Ottomans keep them busy."
King: "Russia? What are they doing here?"
Advisor: "They are allied to Byzantium."
King: "And the Ottomans?"
Advisor: "They are allied to the Pope."
King: "The Pope."
Advisor: "The Pope."
King: "The Pope."
Advisor: "The Pope."
King: "The Pope is helping the infidel to reconquer Constantinople."
Advisor: "Yes, my king."
King: "This is why we became Protestant. These Catholics are crazy..."
- 19
- 1
Advisor: My king, peasants are uprising! 6000 will revolt on Bornholm!
King: Have we got any troops there?
Advisor: No my lord, but we could ship troops there before we confirm the revolt.
King: Confirm?
Advisor: Well obviously they wait until we noticed their intend to revolt before getting their arms.
King: Can we just ignore them?
Advisor: If we don't send them the confirmation, they will rise up anyway.
King: I understand, if they see our fleet on the horizon they will defend the island!
Advisor: No no sire. It will still take them a few months before they realize that we try to screw them and then they are going to attack our army, no matter how strong it is.
King: .......do they ever wonder why their demands are never met?
Advisor: Just keep them poor, we keep them dumb.
King: Have we got any troops there?
Advisor: No my lord, but we could ship troops there before we confirm the revolt.
King: Confirm?
Advisor: Well obviously they wait until we noticed their intend to revolt before getting their arms.
King: Can we just ignore them?
Advisor: If we don't send them the confirmation, they will rise up anyway.
King: I understand, if they see our fleet on the horizon they will defend the island!
Advisor: No no sire. It will still take them a few months before they realize that we try to screw them and then they are going to attack our army, no matter how strong it is.
King: .......do they ever wonder why their demands are never met?
Advisor: Just keep them poor, we keep them dumb.
- 10