Chapter 6: A new way of ruling
7 December 906
As I take over the duties of my father, so I take over his task of chronicling our family. I suppose I should talk about myself at least, a little bit. Not that I love talking about myself or anything like that. Sure, I'm 28 and I've already had eleven autobiographies published. You might call that excessive, since there are, at last count, approximately fifteen people who can read. I would respond by saying that I'm the King so shut your face.
My predecessors in this office have craved glory or land. I, on the other hand, want gold. Lots and lots and lots of gold. Land is good too, I guess, but only because it leads to more gold. By the time I die, I should have a giant statue made of me, composed entirely of melted gold. I am a humble man, so it will only be ten times life size. Any more than that, I feel, would be too ostentatious.
Here are the lands that I rule.
My little ingrate of a brother, Oddr, had the gall to evict me from our family's palace in Jorvik. I am stuck with this tiny little hovel on the isle of Irland. That will not do! Where will I put all of my gold? Hmm... although I do love killing people and taking their gold, I wonder if I might talk them out of their gold. Then I can kill them without fear of getting their filthy blood on my precious gold! I should have a talk with my wife, Guthrun, I think.
On second thought, maybe not. She prefers the shadows. Maybe it's because she's so horrifically old. 30?! She's practically my grandmother! Oh wait, can she read this journal? She knows how to use a battle axe. I'd better ask my new Chancellor, Toke of Hereford, instead.
The one thing I don't like about being King is that I have to pay my advisors with some of my hard-looted gold. Basking in my presence is, apparently, not good enough of them. They're always whining about "food" and "shelter." My people are soft after all these years. Soft! We'll fix that soon enough.
8 February 907, Evesham
I lead from the front, unlike my father, because that's how you get the best loot.
I don't know who we're fighting, and I don't really care. Some Prince of Skotland against some other Prince of Skotland? Something like that. Oh, I've had to replace Toke. One of my more rebellious vassals had him arrested, if you can believe that. Then, the vassal had the gall to demand some of my gold to set him free! Not bloody likely. You wanted him so badly, you pay for him. In fact, I think Kraka of Mercia should pay me to let him go, since she's wasting my valuable time. That's time I could be spending earning gold!
31 March 907, Evesham
We are victorious in battle, as I expected. I didn't earn any loot, though, since all the rich guys ran away. All the peasants together had, like, 50 gold or something on them. They got their filthy peasant blood all over my gold, too. Doesn't anybody ever stop to think about the people they're hurting before they start a war? I strained my wrist polishing some of their disgusting coins!
4 August 907, Dyflinn
I hope this war against Skotland ends soon. We've won lots of victories (duh) but surprisingly little loot. I am beginning suspect killing poor people is not the way to accumulate wealth. I'll have to settle for killing them and taking their land. By the way, if you're reading this journal, you have to promise not to tell Oddr I'm having him killed. Sure, you may consider it "inhuman" to kill a 12 year old. Serves him right for being born and taking away Jorvik!
24 August 907, Dyflinn
I think I've caught some sort of illness. All I know is that the other day, I saw a piece of gold in the middle of the street and I actually passed it up. That isn't like me at all.
22 December 907, Dyflinn
Still fighting these senseless wars. I keep getting called into them, making me waste precious raiders on fighting battles instead of killing and looting Christians. We're Vikings, that's kind of our thing. Still, I'm feeling better. I think I'll go visit the dungeons of this place to look for gold. Or silver. Silver is also good.
27 February 908, Dyflinn
I wish this castle would hurry up and fall already. I did find a new concubine in the dungeon; I was going to kill her, when she convinced me that if I let her live and took her as my woman, she would give me children who I could then hire out as mercenaries for money. I like the way she thinks.
24 May 908, Dyflinn
Apparently when I was home recuperating, I knocked up my wife. How do I know? Because she just gave birth to a son named Frirek. I caught him eyeing one of my gold pieces; I was going to have him killed for coveting my wealth, when Guthrun patiently explained he's attracted to anything shiny and does not lust for my piles and piles of future riches. He'd better not. I know he's an infant, but that doesn't mean he's safe if he wants my stuff.
12 January 909, outside Jorvik
Since some of our wars are over, I've been stalking Oddr outside Jorvik for the last several days. That little brat won't have that castle for much longer! Kraka of Mercia is on my enemy list too, now. She insists Oddr is the "true King" or something and is leading a rebellion against me.
I would give Odin much if he would punch my father in the face a few times for having another son. A son who is damnably clever at evading my attempts to kill him. I'll have to crush this rebellion, arrest him, and execute him when trying to escape. Probably have to have the whole castle washed, though. I don't want traitor stink dirtying up my riches.
16 April 909, Hlymrek
Armies fall before me like the destroyer I am! The more ferociously and eager I chase them down, the more stuff they drop as they run away screaming. Sometimes their valuables are, ah, spoiled. Doesn't mean it's not still good for melting down into a statue, though. I sent a letter to the King of Skotland, proposing he join us in battle. He'll get 100% of the glory, I get 100% of the gold. Once I have the gold, I'll take the glory too. I have the money; who's going to argue with me?
10 September 909, Connacht
Kraka has surrendered. She technically called it "a White Peace," but I still locked her up for treason.
It's not the most glorious way to end the war, I guess. I did strip her of the Jarldom of Mercia, which gives me another castle and thus more money and more soldiers with which to procure additional money.
18 November 909, Connacht
My little brother Dag died, leaving me Northumberland. I didn't even have to kill this one myself! Somebody called "pneumonia" did it. I wonder if I could hire them as an assassin to kill off Oddr?
1 January 910, Macclesfield
As a prank, I ordered my guards to arrest my half-brother Baldr and steal all of his riches. Would you believe he fought them off and has risen a rebellion against me?! Whoever heard of rebelling against a prank?
8 September 910, Strangfjordr
Baldr sent me a letter, asking if I'd "just be cool" and let him alone. Apparently he doesn't know me very well, because his messengers objected vociferously when I had them arrested and stripped of all of their valuable, and sent back to him naked. Their clothes are probably worth something too. It isn't worth the risk of missing out, and if they die, it's no skin off my nose.
Unless there's a market for that...
11 December 910, Hlymrek
I am sieging Baldr's castle, and I just got news that my brother Oddr might be blown up with manure soon, in prison.
8 January 911, Hlymrek
The attack failed. As punishment for not dying, I took the Jarldom of Jorvik from Oddr. It did not include the castle, which is what I wanted, so now I'm even angrier at him.
10 February 911, Hlymrek
I've given Northumberland to Marshal Thorbjorn, as a reward for killing my enemies and leaving me the loot. Oh yeah, a few weeks I had my sister marry my Chancellor, Conchobar, matrilineally so that when they both die and also their kids, I'll end up inheriting any property they have. That's what sisters are for, right?
26 June 911, Ossory
Why won't Baldr just surrender? And why do people keep revealing my plot to kill Oddr? If my brother really loved me, he'd kill himself and save me the trouble of trying to kill him.
30 August 911, Teviotdale
My son, Sigfrid, just turned 16.
He's kind of boring. He likes talking with people and showing them how brave he is. I've tried to teach him that the only purpose of social interaction is to find how rich somebody is and, subsequently, how to make them poor, but in this I have failed. I even had to give him 8 gold pieces as a birthday present. He'd better start paying out or I'll find a son who will! Still, I do have a devious plan; Thordis, a two year old girl, is the Heir to East Anglia, which just so happens to be land I don't have yet. All I need is them to get married, have kids, and then kill all of them to get my hands on their sweet, sweet land and gold.
30 September 911, Roxburgh
IT'S ABOUT DAMNED TIME
Moments after he died, I ordered my Steward to start moving my stuff to Jorvik.
I also found out that Oddr had somehow accumulated over 100 gold pieces while in prison. This is the best day ever!
30 January 912, Jorvik
Another son. Yay. Saemundr is what we're calling this one.
25 March 913, Tyrone
Baldr will not surrender. I hate him. I hate everyone. People keep dragging me into wars I don't want to fight and then don't give me money for them. Makes a guy a little bothered. A little irritated. Irritated enough to RIP OUT THEIR INTERNAL ORGANS AND STRANGLE THEM WITH THEIR INTESTINES!
Hey, they're dirty Catholic rebels, so Odin will probably give me a medal for doing that.
29 April 913, Oriel
Baldr is defeated and locked up. He's also one Thanedom lighter, as Chester is mine once more. I've decided to use some of my vast wealth to build a Temple to Odin.
Naturally, such an elaborate temple would require a substantial admission fee. Odin needs to wet his beak, if you know what I mean.
By Odin I mean me.
23 June 913, Lancaster
We're still fighting... somebody. Sometimes, disemboweling is its own reward. I've also found a new best friend!
He's the best kind of friend, since he likes earning money as much as I do, but likes giving it to me even more. I gave him the Temple to Odin as a reward.
I've picked a new Spymaster, too, a former seer and concubine to my father.
She keeps talking weird, but she likes having people killed; an important bond. To make sure she doesn't like killing me, I've named her Drottseti. I don't know what it means, but it sounds important.
18 September 913, Jorvik
Do you realize that in all of these wars, I've gained almost no land? No conquests? No real looting?
That's about to change.
