Year 2374, Sentry Array Command
Adar system
Democratic Lagin’Chuuz Accord
The Galactic Custodian cleared her throat. “It’s working just fine. I can see your ugly mug in full HD. Or are you sitting backwards? Cause I can’t tell.“
“Who the hell is this?”
“This? This is the motherfucking Custodian of the Galaxy, that’s who this is. And you’re going to tell me how you’ve infiltrated our Sentry Array, or I'll have you reassembled as a vibrator and fired into a Space Amoeba's rectum."
The cyborg laughed, but there was no mirth in it. “The Custodian, huh? Sure you’re not the Empress herself? The long lost Queen of Atlantis?”
“Oh, we’re getting there, in due time. Gotta establish the Empire first. And you will answer my question, toaster.”
He laughed again. “Ain’t that a blast from the past! Well, pardon me for not blowing sunshine up your ass, sweetie, but I don’t think you’ll be royalty for much longer. Heads tend to roll when you piss off your superiors. Maybe they just let you off with a few days in the can. But I doubt it.”
“I accept your pardon. And I no longer insist upon genuflection, a simple bow to kiss my ring will suffice."
“Oh, hyuk hyuk, hardy har har. I’m running a trace on you right now, sunshine, cause I’m just dying to have a chat with your C.O. We’ll see how funny you talk with Internal Affairs all over your ass. You’ll be doing cattle runs to the other dimensions until the end of time. Hey, wait a second...”
“What? Got an instruction you couldn’t parse, tinhead?”
“This can’t be right. I’ve got you somewhere in linear time. But we haven't had any sleeper agents in… centuries. You LEFT the timewarp so you could crank call us?! What in the everloving Core do you think you’re getting yourself into, soldier!? You’re in so much shit, your eyes are brown! Let me see... dark energy pulses should find you, just takes a while for them to come back… have to admit, this is a sophisticated prank if I ever saw one…”
“Take your time. Geneticists told me I’m gonna live well into my 120ies."
“Heh, is that so. It must suck, having a lifespan. Aha! Gotcha! You’re on the Tango Relay in timeline X34-B... and it’s got ants crawling all over it, looks like...” He chortled, in a surprisingly human fashion.
“And they’re using *impulse thrusters*. And a good old-fashioned zero-point reactor, gotta love it. Wait, that’s YOU?! Oh I can't believe this! This day just keeps getting better! Oh, this is precious. Beautiful. Encore, encore." He made a mock gesture of wiping away a tear.
"So you little meat monkeys found one of our relays, and gathered enough brain cells between all of you to break our encryption. Well! You just sit tight and I’ll dispatch a strike team to help you celebrate, including fireworks. Shouldn’t take long, just gotta wake the eggheads out of cryo, restart the singularity gens. If you’re lucky, you’ll even get to see one of our battlecruisers."
“Oh, goodie,” the Custodian replied. “I’d hate to think I got mine polished yesterday for no reason. Love me a good dogfight."
“Yeah. Goodbye. Next news on you will be when I read the after-action report. Lemme just scan your fleets, so they know who to vaporize first... Hold up. That is an actual battlecruiser. Not one of ours, though, or it’d show up in green. Just who did you guys rob? “Lavis Watchers, Zarqlan-class”, okay, running tha… ah, WORK, you piece of shit. Typical, nothing works round here anymore."
"Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"
"Real wisecracker, huh? You know what, this is above my pay grade. I’m kicking this up to Core, it's their problem now. Sending... There! And I attached a Titan requisition, just because I like you so much. Once they get a timelock on you, you’re gonna rue the day the Geranium landed! The Commonwealth of Clank is here to stay!”
And the screen went dark. The room was in an uproar. Orders were shouted, and the Custodian demanded full attention be given to restoring the Matter Decompressor at all costs. Soon only the scientists remained, along with a skeleton crew.
Glurblug stood in front of the console, frowning. Singularity gens? Timewarp? He tapped Plurbinquarg lightly on the shoulder.
“You know those anomalous Betharian reactor readings you told me about last week, the one where you said it looked like they compressed time in a local area?”
Plurbinquarg was in shock, but only nodded. “I’ll shut them down. Bury the findings. Never happened.”
“We do not mess with time,” Glurblug affirmed.
“Do NOT mess with time.”
“Or brain uploads.”
“No siree. Organics only.”
“Heels before wheels.”
“Molluscs, not machines."
“Hey! I said QUIT your GURGLING!” the officer barked again.