Collage of CAARdinals: An interactive history of the Papal States
- Thread starter LlywelynII
- Start date
-
We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Murmurandus said:
Hey, I heard that! 
You blackguard!Blackadder's mother told him no such thing! There must be some other, true, version of this tale!
canonized said:
I guess...
JimboIX said:
You can always buy the DVD's...
Llewylynenll said:Hey, I heard that!
*smacks Llywelyn with his Oxford English Dictionary*
Lily the Whiner said:
Blackadder's mother told him no such thing! There must be some other, true, version of this tale!
It's a genuine quote from Blackadder, no discussion...
(Well, maybe I switched some characters... )And of course there are like a zillion versions of this tale, I just took a nice one...
But to make you all happy, as I don't see a real pope, another update should be available by Friday...
Just stop me if necessary, Lily...
Ah-ha!
I gotcha!
A blatant lie!
We all know that Baldrick had no brain at all! Otherwise, his cunning ideas wouldn't have been cunning at all!
Bah...
I gotcha!
A blatant lie!
Murmurandus said:As Whisper and Llywelyn were playing dice when the fight started, Llywelyn was still holding the dices. It seems he threw them in a mad rage at Baldrick and one of the dice struck him on his nose, causing his nose-bone to puncture his brains and his untimely death.
Baldrick R.I.P.
We all know that Baldrick had no brain at all! Otherwise, his cunning ideas wouldn't have been cunning at all!
Bah...
Murmurandus said:
The A to Aaa volume? or the whole thing? It's like 50 volumes!!!
Kurt_Steiner said:Ah-ha!
I gotcha!
A blatant lie!
We all know that Baldrick had no brain at all! Otherwise, his cunning ideas wouldn't have been cunning at all!
Bah...
In the first series, Baldrick was actually smarter than Blackadder. It's only from Series 2 onwards, he became really 'cunning'...
Or to quote Blackadder (for fun really):
Blackadder said:
Blackadder said:
Llywelyn said:The A to Aaa volume? or the whole thing? It's like 50 volumes!!!
I only have the abbreviated (pocket) version like this:
But I'm sure that's already enough...
This is so fun I wrote already the next part... Weep in despair...
**********************************************************
A short History of the Life of Pope Murmurandus I the Pathetic – Part VI.
On how Whisper and Llywelyn contributed to the final conquest of Wales.
As you might know (or not), Wales was finally conquered in MCCLXXXII by King Edward I of England, or Longshanks – what’s in a name. What you probably don’t know is that the last Welsh Prince Of Wales, Llywelyn ap Gruffydd ap Llywelyn ap etc., was killed by Whisper and Llywelyn. By accident indeed, but killed anyway.
It all started when the desperate Whisper and Llywelyn were fleeing from prosecution after the murders on Cardinal Blackadder and Baldrick. Seeing no other place to go, they went to visit Caernarfon, where the elderly mother of Llywelyn lived.
They arrived at the shoddy shed where the woman was living at the same time Llywelyn the Last was arriving at the castle. As it happens Llywelyn was pushing at the door which his mother had barricaded as she really didn’t want to see him. The Prince saw the useless efforts of his namesake and heard his colorful curses in Welsh – which of course made the door he was pushing very slippery. The Prince broke out in laughter and had both men fetched.
- “Boneddigion , yn canfod 'ch egnïon a yn clywed 'ch dafodiaith Carwn at gwadd at 'm hystafelloedd fel 'ch…”, he said in Welsh, so nobody could understand, but didn’t need to shower that evening.
I guess I continue in a real language so at least we could understand what the man was saying. So to repeat:
- “Gentlemen, seeing your efforts and hearing your language I would like to invite to my rooms as you would otherwise sleep on the street.”, said the Prince in Welsh as above, but now it’s translated so you would understand everything.
Hearing his voice Whisper and Llywelyn turned towards him gazing like cows on sedatives. Recognizing him, Llywelyn fell on his knees and plowed his head into the stinking mud as of course there were no streets over there.
- “What are you doing, Llywelyn?”, asked Whisper bluntly.
- “Ssshhht, paying homage to my liege.”, whispered Llywelyn.
- “Paying what?”
- “Homage.”
- “I don’t understand.”
- “I noticed.”
- “Euh, Gentlemen, I apologize but may I interfere?”, the Prince asked politely – and with sarcasm indeed.
Llywelyn smacked Whisper at the back of his head and replied:
- “Yes, my Lord, of course, my Lord, I am so sorry, my Lord, …”
- “Now, now, peasant. No need to be that polite, gnarf gnarf.”, the Prince chuckled.
He then ordered his aide-de-camp to bring Whisper and Llywelyn to his quarters as he entered the castle. That evening the Diabolic Duo was invited for dinner at the Prince’s tables. Both men even took a bath for the first time in five years.
The dinner was almost at its end when the Prince and his laymen were discussing tactics for the ongoing campaign against the English. Several plans were discussed and later rejected when suddenly Llywelyn said:
- “Excuse me, your honor, but I think I have a cunning plan.”
Just at that time it thundered and lightning struck next to the castle burning half the sheds next to it, also the one of Llywelyn’s mother. She was killed, but fortunately she was too drunk to notice.
When peace and rest was restored, the Prince ordered Llywelyn to explain his cunning plan. Llywelyn started:
- “Well, your highness, let’s put it this way. I propose Whisper and I go over to the English camp, infiltrate it and kill Longshanks.”
- “…”
- “…”
- “Yes, and?”, asked the Prince.
- “That’s it, my Lord.”
- “…”
The whole hall was covered in silence and you could hear the lice jumping of Whisper.
- “Are you completely and utterly out of your mind?!”, then screamed Whisper as only now he actually understood what Llywelyn had said.
- “Of course not, moron!”, Llywelyn yelled back.
Whisper then exploded with rage. He took the nearest item available, a bowl of soup, and threw it to Llywelyn. He obviously missed and hit the other Llywelyn – now nicknamed ‘the Last’. It is not sure whether the Prince already died when the bowl of soup hit him, but at least the following knives, apples, chicken, cawl, crempogs, faggots and laverbread
Certainly did.
And so ended the Welsh Independence as Longshanks just needed to come over and take as Llywelyn the Last was dead and Daffyd, his brother was chasing Whisper and Llywelyn the Traitor.
**********************************************************
A short History of the Life of Pope Murmurandus I the Pathetic – Part VI.
On how Whisper and Llywelyn contributed to the final conquest of Wales.
Wales
As you might know (or not), Wales was finally conquered in MCCLXXXII by King Edward I of England, or Longshanks – what’s in a name. What you probably don’t know is that the last Welsh Prince Of Wales, Llywelyn ap Gruffydd ap Llywelyn ap etc., was killed by Whisper and Llywelyn. By accident indeed, but killed anyway.
King Edward I of England aka Longshanks
Prince Llywelyn ap Gruffyd of Wales aka the Last
Prince Llywelyn ap Gruffyd of Wales aka the Last
It all started when the desperate Whisper and Llywelyn were fleeing from prosecution after the murders on Cardinal Blackadder and Baldrick. Seeing no other place to go, they went to visit Caernarfon, where the elderly mother of Llywelyn lived.
Caernarfon
They arrived at the shoddy shed where the woman was living at the same time Llywelyn the Last was arriving at the castle. As it happens Llywelyn was pushing at the door which his mother had barricaded as she really didn’t want to see him. The Prince saw the useless efforts of his namesake and heard his colorful curses in Welsh – which of course made the door he was pushing very slippery. The Prince broke out in laughter and had both men fetched.
- “Boneddigion , yn canfod 'ch egnïon a yn clywed 'ch dafodiaith Carwn at gwadd at 'm hystafelloedd fel 'ch…”, he said in Welsh, so nobody could understand, but didn’t need to shower that evening.
I guess I continue in a real language so at least we could understand what the man was saying. So to repeat:
- “Gentlemen, seeing your efforts and hearing your language I would like to invite to my rooms as you would otherwise sleep on the street.”, said the Prince in Welsh as above, but now it’s translated so you would understand everything.
Hearing his voice Whisper and Llywelyn turned towards him gazing like cows on sedatives. Recognizing him, Llywelyn fell on his knees and plowed his head into the stinking mud as of course there were no streets over there.
- “What are you doing, Llywelyn?”, asked Whisper bluntly.
- “Ssshhht, paying homage to my liege.”, whispered Llywelyn.
- “Paying what?”
- “Homage.”
- “I don’t understand.”
- “I noticed.”
- “Euh, Gentlemen, I apologize but may I interfere?”, the Prince asked politely – and with sarcasm indeed.
Llywelyn smacked Whisper at the back of his head and replied:
- “Yes, my Lord, of course, my Lord, I am so sorry, my Lord, …”
- “Now, now, peasant. No need to be that polite, gnarf gnarf.”, the Prince chuckled.
He then ordered his aide-de-camp to bring Whisper and Llywelyn to his quarters as he entered the castle. That evening the Diabolic Duo was invited for dinner at the Prince’s tables. Both men even took a bath for the first time in five years.
The dinner was almost at its end when the Prince and his laymen were discussing tactics for the ongoing campaign against the English. Several plans were discussed and later rejected when suddenly Llywelyn said:
- “Excuse me, your honor, but I think I have a cunning plan.”
Just at that time it thundered and lightning struck next to the castle burning half the sheds next to it, also the one of Llywelyn’s mother. She was killed, but fortunately she was too drunk to notice.
When peace and rest was restored, the Prince ordered Llywelyn to explain his cunning plan. Llywelyn started:
- “Well, your highness, let’s put it this way. I propose Whisper and I go over to the English camp, infiltrate it and kill Longshanks.”
- “…”
- “…”
- “Yes, and?”, asked the Prince.
- “That’s it, my Lord.”
- “…”
The whole hall was covered in silence and you could hear the lice jumping of Whisper.
- “Are you completely and utterly out of your mind?!”, then screamed Whisper as only now he actually understood what Llywelyn had said.
- “Of course not, moron!”, Llywelyn yelled back.
Whisper then exploded with rage. He took the nearest item available, a bowl of soup, and threw it to Llywelyn. He obviously missed and hit the other Llywelyn – now nicknamed ‘the Last’. It is not sure whether the Prince already died when the bowl of soup hit him, but at least the following knives, apples, chicken, cawl, crempogs, faggots and laverbread
Certainly did.
The Bowl of Soup
And so ended the Welsh Independence as Longshanks just needed to come over and take as Llywelyn the Last was dead and Daffyd, his brother was chasing Whisper and Llywelyn the Traitor.
Last edited:
That's obviously a donburi bowl , not a bowl for soups ! For shame . No wonder Bowly's gone mute ! Also , the crash of nature at the interruption by llywelyn was genius . :rofl:
canonized said:
:chuffs canon in the back of the head:
:hard:
That's my mom you're talking about!
I don't understand. If the killer was the bowl... Why no one tries to arrest the bowl? What an unffair world...
bowl of soup said:
No comment either then.
Llywelyn said:
So you do have one?
canonized said:
Donburi bowl, donburi bowl... it was the only empty bowl I could find easily on the net...
Llywelyn said::chuffs canon in the back of the head:
:hard:
That's my mom you're talking about!
Forgot to add a pic of her...
Kurt_Steiner said:
You're too smart for this thread, not to mention this story...
Last edited:
Murmurandus said:
Dunno why, but I guess that some kind of accident is going to happen to me in the story...
JimboIX said:
You ain't seen nothing yet...
Kurt_Steiner said:
Oh, really???
RGB said:
Like they ever had glory...
But indeed Mwaha...
Oh, god, I'm enjoying this...
**********************************************************
A short History of the Life of Pope Murmurandus I the Pathetic – Part VII.
On how Whisper and Llywelyn brought down William Wallace.
We left our Diabolic, but also Desperate, Duo when they were fleeing from the Welsh after they killed their Prince. More by luck and accident they managed to escape towards English lands, where they managed to by apprehended by soldiers of Edward I of England, who is also known as Longshanks – what’s in a name.
Soon the English found out the faith of the Last Welsh Prince and how Whisper and Llywelyn contributed to it. They were brought to Longshanks who reportedly burst out in laughter and overloaded them with gifts. They were appointed as ‘Royal Service Men’ and were sent to do Longshanks’ dirty work. A job which suited them just fine.
And so it happened that they were in Scotland when William Wallace was carrying out his uprising. And if it were not by them the English would have been defeated by the Scots in Falkirk. So here follows with really happened on that glorious day in MCCLXXXXVIII (or MCCLXLVIII or MCCXCVIII – you decide).
Whisper and Llywelyn were thus in the land of the Scots prior to Falkirk as they were spying on Wallace and his troops. Their orders were to harass Wallace or as Longshanks put it ‘just be your usual major pain in the butt’. They were succeeding marvelously as they managed to scare all wildlife away by their stench and the cows began to give sour milk and the maggots came in the flesh and vegetables started to rot, so basically the Scots were starving as much as the English despite what other historians say. In fact the Scots were suffering more.
So on that sunny day in late July, the forces of Wallace and Longshanks met at Falkirk. Both armies were exhausted. The English by Wallace’s scorched earth tactics, the Scots by Longshank’s Diabolic Duo Tactics. Fortunately the English were outnumbering the Scots. However that might not have been enough as almost half of Longshank’s forces consisted out of Welshmen and of course they recognized the murderers of their Prince just seconds after the battle started.
Yes, in fact the battle was between the English and the Scots, the Welsh and the English and the Scots and the Welsh, with in between them Whisper and Llywelyn. So no heroic deeds or Scottish schiltrons and English knights, no Welsh longbows or Scottish traitors. No, not at all, it was a big and bloody mess in which basically everybody was killing everybody and everybody except the English tried to kill Whisper and Llywelyn. In desperate efforts to kill the Duo the Scots abandoned their schiltrons and the Welsh used their longbows as spears and the English just laughed. At the end the English won by accident as both the Scots and the Welsh wiped themselves out.
May this be a lesson as history is indeed written by the victor, so it should be taken with a ton of salt.
In the next part I will tell you about the Catalan Catastrophe and the mad Kunibert Steinerius. It will also bring us back to more clerical affairs.
**********************************************************
A short History of the Life of Pope Murmurandus I the Pathetic – Part VII.
On how Whisper and Llywelyn brought down William Wallace.
William Wallace, a staunch catholic when not too drunk
We left our Diabolic, but also Desperate, Duo when they were fleeing from the Welsh after they killed their Prince. More by luck and accident they managed to escape towards English lands, where they managed to by apprehended by soldiers of Edward I of England, who is also known as Longshanks – what’s in a name.
Soon the English found out the faith of the Last Welsh Prince and how Whisper and Llywelyn contributed to it. They were brought to Longshanks who reportedly burst out in laughter and overloaded them with gifts. They were appointed as ‘Royal Service Men’ and were sent to do Longshanks’ dirty work. A job which suited them just fine.
And so it happened that they were in Scotland when William Wallace was carrying out his uprising. And if it were not by them the English would have been defeated by the Scots in Falkirk. So here follows with really happened on that glorious day in MCCLXXXXVIII (or MCCLXLVIII or MCCXCVIII – you decide).
The (official) battle of Falkirk
Whisper and Llywelyn were thus in the land of the Scots prior to Falkirk as they were spying on Wallace and his troops. Their orders were to harass Wallace or as Longshanks put it ‘just be your usual major pain in the butt’. They were succeeding marvelously as they managed to scare all wildlife away by their stench and the cows began to give sour milk and the maggots came in the flesh and vegetables started to rot, so basically the Scots were starving as much as the English despite what other historians say. In fact the Scots were suffering more.
Suffering Scots
So on that sunny day in late July, the forces of Wallace and Longshanks met at Falkirk. Both armies were exhausted. The English by Wallace’s scorched earth tactics, the Scots by Longshank’s Diabolic Duo Tactics. Fortunately the English were outnumbering the Scots. However that might not have been enough as almost half of Longshank’s forces consisted out of Welshmen and of course they recognized the murderers of their Prince just seconds after the battle started.
Welsh longbowmen
Yes, in fact the battle was between the English and the Scots, the Welsh and the English and the Scots and the Welsh, with in between them Whisper and Llywelyn. So no heroic deeds or Scottish schiltrons and English knights, no Welsh longbows or Scottish traitors. No, not at all, it was a big and bloody mess in which basically everybody was killing everybody and everybody except the English tried to kill Whisper and Llywelyn. In desperate efforts to kill the Duo the Scots abandoned their schiltrons and the Welsh used their longbows as spears and the English just laughed. At the end the English won by accident as both the Scots and the Welsh wiped themselves out.
English Knights
May this be a lesson as history is indeed written by the victor, so it should be taken with a ton of salt.
In the next part I will tell you about the Catalan Catastrophe and the mad Kunibert Steinerius. It will also bring us back to more clerical affairs.