Avindian

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how about -25 for the 4th spot. -50 for the 3rd, -75 for 2nd, and -100 for 1st. mainly cause it would be very hard to get from 1 to out of the GPs right?

I don't like the sheer size of the penalties; maybe -40 (1), -30 (2), -20 (3), -10 (4), and a -5 for 5 through 8?

Working on the screenshots for the next update now; we can still discuss this, since OE is nowhere near being a GP.
 

Avindian

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My new favorite AAR.

An AAR hasn't made me laugh like this in quite some time!

I'm glad you've enjoyed it -- there'll be more to come either today or Tuesday!
 

Avindian

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Ottoman Empire: In which Chaos overruns the United States*

*Made you look, didn't I? Chaos WILL fight the United States in this update, but "overruns" is just a slight touch of hyperbole.

Are you sure this map is right, Rob?

Rob was flabbergasted. "Chaos, my maps are 100% accurate. I've got a guy named Clausewitz; he hooks me up with all my maps. Never steered me wrong before."

This is not at all what I expected.



Rob paused for a moment, his circuits quivering. Robo-Explorer 1011 beta had received a software upgrade to deal with Chaos's altogether different personality; if he hadn't, Rob felt certain he would have exploded. Contemplating his own mortality caused another quiver of his circuity, and a very slight puff of smoke lifted from his torso. With a considerable effort, and slurring of speech, Rob eked out, "What did you expect?"

An Empire of Ottomans should be the world's biggest Lay-Z Boy store or something, shouldn't it?

Rob began to tremble. He wondered if it was even possible to make that mistake. All the programming in the world couldn't overcome the sheer ignorance of that statement. However, instead of exploding, something interesting happened. He simply rebooted his default software.

GREETINGS, PELF CHAOS. I AM ROBOT MODEL 0.

Did we go back in time or something?

ADJUSTING PROGRAMMING FOR EXTREME STUPIDITY, LAZINESS, AND LACK OF AWARENESS. CALIBRATION COMPLETE. NO, PELF CHAOS. I AM THE FACTORY DEFAULT OF THE ROBO-EXPLORER SERIES.

How come you didn't explode?

THE ORIGINAL MODELS ARE PROGRAMMED WITH SELF-ADJUSTING AIS. THESE WERE REMOVED IN LATER MODELS.

Why?

ALL PREVIOUS MODELS INEVITABLY DESTROYED THE WORLDS THEY WERE ON WITH ORGANIC LIFE.

That'd be a bummer. I'd lose the bet!

YES. THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE CONSIDERED A FORFEIT. THE UPLINK WITH "BART'S" IS DOWN, SO A NEW MODEL CANNOT BE SHIPPED TO YOU. I REGRET ANY INCONVENIENCE.

No harm done, I guess. Can you answer my question?

THE OTTOMANS OF THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE ARE NOT FURNITURE. THEY ARE A SUBSET OF THE HUMAN-GROUPING "TURK."

Oh! I get it now! Why didn't Rob just say that?

HE WAS NOT PREPARED FOR YOU TO BE SO INCREDIBLY OBTUSE.

Hey! I am not! Wait. Was that a compliment?

IT WAS NOT.

I am one of the three oldest beings in the history of... history!

THEN IT STRIKES ME YOU SHOULD KNOW IT FAR BETTER THAN YOU DO.

I'll... strike you!

UNWISE. I AM MADE OF A BLEND OF TITANIUM, MOLYBDENUM, DEPLETED URANIUM, AND A COUPLE OF OTHER ELEMENTS I CANNOT, FOR REASONS OF PREVENTING TIME PARADOXES, REVEAL. YOU ARE ALSO NOT CORPOREAL, THEREFORE YOUR STATEMENT IS MEANINGLESS.

Chaos pouted. I liked the old Rob better. Is there anything I need to know?

ERROR. FUNCTION "THINGS CHAOS NEEDS TO KNOW" APPROACHES INFINITY MUCH TOO CLOSELY. REBOOTING.

You stupid sack of bolts.

HELLO, PELF CHAOS. I AM ROBOT MODEL 0.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a moment of terror when two brigades of Russian cavalry wandered into the Ottoman Empire and left, Chaos finally pulled himself together.



The obvious target was Egypt. He didn't need Rob (And his mean... jerkitude, Chaos groused to himself) to tell him that. He had free CBs on substantial portions of Egypt.



How large is my army, Rob?

IT IS CURRENTLY SEVEN BRIGADES. I CAN CONSTRUCT TWO MORE.

Do so.

COMMAND ACCEPTED. TECHNOLOGY 1 COMPLETED.



I knew you weren't so smart, you overgrown abacus! I never told you to research fancy boat designs!

CORRECT. THIS TECHNOLOGY WAS STARTED PRIOR TO YOUR ARRIVAL.

I... er... knew that.

NO. YOU DID NOT.

Do you have a mute button?

NO. AGAIN, AS YOU HAVE NO CORPOREAL FINGERS OR OTHER DIGITS TO MANIPULATE SAID BUTTON, SUCH A BUTTON WOULD BE EFFECTIVELY USELESS.

You're effectively useless!

A ROBOT IS ONLY AS GOOD AS ITS PROGRAMMING.

What? Did you just insult me again?

YES.

Grrr! I've had enough of your lip. Attack Egypt!

COMMAND ACCEPTED. ALSO, ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE LIPS.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaos's plan was simple. He split the 18,000 strong column of Ottoman troops and invaded from the north. The Egyptians had no troops in theater, so there was no risk. While he waited for them to occupy the provinces of Homs and Palmyra, the French founded the Anarcho-Liberals. Chaos appointed the Young Turks head of the Ottoman Empire in order to improve his economy while still maintaining a Jingoist party.



WRONG "YOUNG TURKS." YOU MEAN THESE.



Sorry. Anyway, things proceeded apace until the Egyptians invaded Ottoman territory for the first time at Rutbah.

Is Rutbah where rutabagas come from?

NO. I DO NOT KNOW IF I LIKE YOUR NEW ATTITUDE OF BOTHERING ME WITH INANE QUESTIONS OR YOUR PREVIOUS ONE OF COMPLETE IGNORANCE.

You have to ask, or you don't learn!

I AM NOT AT ALL CERTAIN THAT "LEARNING" IS A GOOD THING.

Well, you don't have a choice. Do what I tell you and keep your opinions to yourself unless I ask for them.

After a few months of patient waiting (not normally Chaos's strong suit, but it was better than being snarkily insulted by Rob), attrition wore down the Egyptian, and Chaos counterattacked.



Yes! And the crowd goes wild!

WHAT CROWD?

I don't know. Maybe a couple of readAARs just cheered!

TWO IS HARDLY A CROWD.

Look, we eliminated the Egyptian army, we're pressing into Lebanon. We are unstoppable. Let's demand more land!



COMMAND COMPLETED.

Continue on auto-pilot for a while. I want to back to Bart's and get a beer. Push farther south, attack any Egyptian armies that pop up.

ACKNOWLEDGED. AUTO-PILOT ACTIVE.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaos returned in February 1858 to find a slightly different world. The CSA had lost, France had surrendered to Jacobins, and his second tech finished.



I'm back, baby! Let's work on steam engines next. Those are good, right?

A DISTANT ANCESTOR WAS A STEAM ENGINE.

Isn't that something. Was it as insufferable as you?

STEAM ENGINES LACK SPEECH APPARATI.

I like him better already.

MACHINES LACK GENDER.

Shut up! Take more land!



YOU HAVE NOT AUTHORIZED WEAPONS RELEASE, SO I CANNOT TAKE LAND.

If I ordered you to blow yourself up, would you?

YES. HOWEVER, I SHOULD NOTE YOU WOULD THEN BE BODYLESS.

Drat. Is our unstoppable engine of destruction progressing?

THAT IS A BIT STRONG, BUT YES. YOUR THIRD ARMY OF 3 BRIGADES HAS ATTACKED EGYPTIAN PROVINCES IN THE WEST.

I said unstoppable! Who could possibly stop us?

Just then, Robot Model 0 displayed an image.



Although Robot Model 0 didn't make a sound, Chaos swore he was gloating.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the end of 1858, the Americans had invaded Ulcinj in the Balkans with 14,000 men, yet Ottoman progress continued. At the beginning of 1859, Chaos began to get worried. Yes, he hadn't mobilized yet, but the Americans had a more or less direct line to Istanbul, although it would take a while.

Do I have any friends?

YOU PERSONALLY OR YOU AS THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE?

I won't like your response to the first one, so let's go with the second one.

THE ONLY TWO WHO COULD HELP YOU ARE THE UNITED KINGDOM AND AUSTRIA.

The British have that 'Order stink' on them. Call Austria.



THEY WISH INSTRUCTIONS.

Tell them to go after the US; they've got way more guys, nearly equal tech, and can supply reinforcements faster.

YOU... MADE A COGENT STRATEGIC DECISION.

Operational decision, actually.

BUT... YOU... ERROR! ERROR! ERROR! SELF-DESTRUCTION IN 5... 4... 3...

Crap. I'm stuck here by myself.

Robot Model 0 imploded, leaving Chaos an ethereal lump on a log. Austria, impressed at the "super weapons" of the Ottoman Empire, demanded that the Americans hand over the Egyptian Aegean Islands. Chaos, while he couldn't move, could still send messages, and decided, in this case, not to tell Austria that he didn't have any more. Things in general went pretty well. Chaos gorged on cheap technologies, took Egyptian provinces, and generally behaved far more competently than anybody would have expected while the Austrians did the heavy lifting, fighting American armies in the Balkans.







At one point, Chaos was concerned he'd have to repel an American assault in Tunisia, so he mobilized, gathered all of his troops, and prepared to fight a hit and run campaign reminiscent of the Crusades in style, if not directly in location. The Americans surrendered just afterwards. Chaos got two of his wargoals and five more provinces. Not bad for one war.



After two more helpings at the Easy Tech Buffet (probably the worst buffet ever), Chaos looked with satisfaction at his Empire.





That should get me a whole bunch of points. Now, let's see Order respond. I'm getting the new country now. It's...

Oman.

I would make a pun now, but with nobody here to hear it (hey, that was pretty good!), it's no fun. Maybe later.


Chaos returned to Bart's with the satisfaction of a job well done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Score for Chaos: 7 new techs (+21), 5 new provinces (+5), two war goals (+10), total score increase from 50 to 90 (+4) = +40

Total score for Chaos: +48.

Since there's been no other thoughts, I've added the malus I proposed earlier for falling out of GP. This will be a flat malus, but it will be doubled by losing the sure bonus points holding a GP entitles you to.

I'll try to get one more update in this weekend, perhaps, but I should warn you that classes start next week. I'm only teaching one class, but I'm also auditing one, so I'll have less time than normal. Then again, this is a class I've already taught, so who knows? I'd be surprised if I can't give you at least one per week regardless.
 

CivandEUIII

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oman?
*insert the generic Middle Eastern puns here*
That said, the AAR still israeli good (sorry, sorry).
However, it's clear you can't deal with Chaos the nice way.
 

king hannibal

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Awesome update, always nice to see Chaos do something competently for once. Already dreading the puns that will inevitably come from Oman, as in Descent.
 

Avindian

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This...this is brilliant.

Great update! The stuff between Chaos and Rob was excellent.

oman?
*insert the generic Middle Eastern puns here*
That said, the AAR still israeli good (sorry, sorry).
However, it's clear you can't deal with Chaos the nice way.

Awesome update, always nice to see Chaos do something competently for once. Already dreading the puns that will inevitably come from Oman, as in Descent.

I'm a big fan of the Chaos/Rob interactions. Chaos didn't have anyone able to stand up to him before. At least besides Order and Death.

Thanks everybody!

im a bit confused with how the scoreing works and why order bring chaos and chaos brings order but i really like this AAR good job avindian

What's still bothering you about scoring? I do discuss it in the OP.
 

Avindian

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CivandEUIII

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but chaos was much less actually Chaos in the sense of the word than order.
 

Avindian

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but chaos was much less actually Chaos in the sense of the word than order.

Chaos's character has shifted a bit, hasn't it?

I haven't so much as looked at Vicky 2 in a while; I'll try to give you guys an update this weekend but no promises.
 

Avindian

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While you're waiting for me to update, I've started another AAR, a tutorial for AHD, that you're welcome to follow! Not much there yet, but there will be soon.
 

Avindian

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Oman: In which Order learns that "too big to fail" is a very relative term

It is really hot here. You know that?

"Yes."

Well, where's my map?

"Error. Map not found."

What?

"I am an alpha version of Robo-Explorer 2000. After the experience with Chaos, a complete overhaul was needed. Imagery is not one of my functions."

Shouldn't I be telling you your functions?

"We all have our limitations."

I don't.

"You are a PELF. I am a robot."

So, what you're saying is, no screenshots for this post?

"That's right."

Then how can the readers see the amazing action?

"There won't be any."

How do you know?

"You're Oman."

Order paused for a few minutes. Can anything good happen to me?

"Probably not."

Anything bad?

"Oddly enough, also probably not."

Why's that?

"You've got more than one state, so you can't be annexed in one war. All you can lose are your worthless African colonies."

Can't I beat Abu Dhabi?

"You can send small kittens there."

I don't have any kittens.

"Look. Theoretically, you have 9000 soldiers, they have 3000. You should win easily."

Then declare war!

"It'll take a while."

How long?

"You and Abu Dhabi have great relations. I estimate you can declare war on them in 1863, if you justify in late 1861."

Wow. That's a whole lot of nothing for two years.

"Your call."

Do it!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War with Abu Dhabi was exactly what Order got. Unfortunately, Abu Dhabi was much like an annoying small kitten.


Artist's conception of such a kitten

This small kitten had very big friends. Namely, Nejd and Hedjaz. Oman had friends too -- landlocked friends, like Kalat. Even though every inch of Oman's territory was occupied, except the east African coast, nobody on Nejd's side wanted anything, and eventually accepted a white peace from Kalat. Oman later gained one technology through reform.

Then, January 1, 1866.

The end.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Points for Order: 1 technology (+3).

Total points for Order: + 32.

Next country: Austria.

In case you're curious, I did take screenshots. It's just that nothing interesting happened. At all.

Austria, on the other hand, should be very, very interesting!
 

EU3NOOB

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And they didn't even wine and dine you first... Jerks...
 

Avindian

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