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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

Avindian

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Duke of Britain

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LoL, no matter what Chaos do, he can't piss off the Brazilians :D

Great update, can't wait to see France fail...i wonder if it is possible to release Occitania and Brittany in Victoria 2?
 

Sakura_F

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LoL, no matter what Chaos do, he can't piss off the Brazilians :D

Great update, can't wait to see France fail...i wonder if it is possible to release Occitania and Brittany in Victoria 2?

I think only in Pop Demand Mod.
 

Avindian

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Avindian

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France: In which Order does what everybody who has ever faced France before Divine Wind has wanted to do

So. Rob, it is time to unleash Operation Destroy France. I have it here, in this folder marked "Not Operation Destroy France." It is my hope this will prevent detection by the more clever French people.

Rob sighed. "A brilliant disguise, sir. No one shall suspect a thing."

Order whistled appreciatively. I like this new model; you're much more polite.

"Indeed, sir. The world is dreadful enough without resorting to impoliteness. Civility is the only thing that keeps one from going insane."

Err... which model are you again?

"1010 stable, dear sir."

Is something wrong? Life not going well?

"Life? Don't talk to me about life."

Give me the map, Rob.

"Delighted to, sir."



That's a lot of land, Rob. Is that all of it?

"As I am certain you are aware, kind master, there are holdings in South America, the African mainland, and Madagascar."

Let's give whatever we can away.

"Very good."



Let me check the plan. Ah yes! Close the factories and fire all the soldiers.

"Are you certain? Life is certainly already deplorable enough for the poor meatbags in this miserable dirt pile. Should we curse them further?"

Do it.



"Is there anything else your trod-upon servant could perform?"

You know what? There is. You're bringing me down, not giving me the sort of support a maniacal dictator needs. I shall have to destroy you.

"Thank you, sir."

Rob exploded; as the plates flew off, Order caught an interesting piece of writing on the underside of his chassis -- "Robo-Explorer 1010 Stable. Personality: Mar-"

The rest was scorched out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob returned a few minutes later; 1011 beta was tuned to be polite, but not bone-crushingly (or perhaps metal-crushingly) depressed. However, as any good robot programmer knows, the only stable models have some kind of personality quirk. As 1011 did not, he could not fairly be called stable. While Rob was gone, Order set the second part of his brilliant plan into motion: declaring war on Prussia.







Order, via Rob, had a devil of a time convincing the Chamber of Deputies to declare war.

"Sacre bleu, monsieur! Why would we declare war on the Boches without an army?"

I have a brilliant plan!

One Deputy looked suspiciously at the folder. "I speak English, monsieur. That says 'Operation Destroy France'!"

Oh, forgive me, Honored Deputy. My arm was covering it.

The Deputy, reading the "Not", was immediately calmed. Not all of them were so easily distracted.

"Monsieur, can you tell us how we will beat the Prussians?"

Yes. I will let my General, Napoleon Bonaparte, tell you!

At the word "Napoleon", every Deputy turned and looked around; half delighted, half terrified, half of them extremely bad at math. "I do not see him!"

You just missed him. He did come, and he signed off on the plan. See? It says "Approved by Napoloen."

"He spelled his own name wrong?"

Yes. That's how you know it's really him. It's his nickname!

"It is?"

Of course it is. How else would I know it?

At this point, most of the Deputies were confused, tired, and frightened, so they simply acquiesced.

Call up the National Guard, mon amis. To victory! Order did his best not to snicker audibly. I shall station them in Paris, so that our glorious capital will be protected.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple of days later, Order went to visit his General in the field.



Good afternoon, Agustin.

"A fine afternoon to you as well, monsieur le President."

Are you prepared to strike a blow at our hated enemies?!

"Ready, willing, and able, sir."

You're very polite. Say... you aren't suicidal, are you?

"No. Would you like me to be?"

Order paused for a moment, to determine whether or not that would help. Nah. Wait a minute! What are those crates?

"Crates?"

Yes! Over there!

"They are our supplies. Our food, ammunition, and so on."

That won't do. General, are Frenchmen men of courage?

"Oh yes, monsieur le President!

Are they unafraid?

"Mais oui!"

Then their zeal for the glory of France is sufficient to defeat our enemies, is it not? Only the brutish German would need such trivialities as guns and food!

"Mais certainement!"

Excellent! You shall live off the land as Napoleon the conqueror did!

"By your command! I shall kill them all myself! YEEEAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"

As the General went charging off at a particularly Prussian looking cow, who seemed very nonplussed by the whole thing, Order couldn't help but giggle a little.

Everything is going very well, Rob.

"It is indeed."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As province after province fell to Prussian armies, the Prussian general demanded key bits of France, which suited Order very well.





Before we surrender, let's make sure the countryside is good and devastated.

"Certainly. Do you wish to research a new technology?"

Nah.



Why would strategic mobility make forts better?

"I couldn't tell you."

Wait a minute... mobile forts! I'm brilliant!

"Tanks, sir."

Damn. You're right! Does anybody know about tanks yet?

"Not as such, no."

I'm going to call them mobile forts until they do.

"As you wish."

Now this is interesting... the Civil War has begun in the United States!



"That's ten years early, sir. Is something wrong?"

It's probably us breaking the world. I don't think the CSA will last long. Do you?

"It seems doubtful."

Wouldn't it be hilarious if Chaos got stuck with the CSA?

"You're... a bit more vindictive than normal, sir."

Am I? Sorry. How is the war going?

"Terribly."

Terribly terribly or terribly awesome?

"I'm... not sure."

Well, let's go after the Brits too. You know, revenge for Wellington and all that.

"Very good."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few days later -- December 20, 1851 -- Order had an idea.

Rob! I have an idea!

"I know that. I just read it."

Great. Cut all funding and increase taxes to 100%!



"Why not make taxes 0%? We might go bankrupt."

If I make them 100%, I hope to make the French people so angry they revolt. You there! French person! Your taxes are 100% now! Aren't you mad?

With a Gallic shrug, the peasant said, "I never made any money before. 100% of 0 is 0."

What do you eat?

"Dirt. Sometimes, on Christmas, I eat worms too!"

That's disgusting. Get out of here. Let's kill off their potatoes, Rob. That'll stir them up!



"Do you want me to scream 'Let them eat cake!' It worked for Marie Antoinette."

Do that.

Unfortunately, it turned out that most of the French peasants had been secretly hoarding cake ever since Marie Antoinette told them to. (Yes, I'm well aware that she didn't. I don't care.) With the permission of the President, many a cake was consumed.

Why won't they revolt?

"Maybe if you surrendered?"

Good idea!



"Done."

How did the General take it?

"He thought it was a white flag of victory. All of his men that weren't drunk already are subsequently getting drunk."

He's a good man, that one. Are the people mad yet?

"No. I did give them political reforms, like trade unions, they didn't actually want. That should stir them up."

Excellent!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, Order broke the truce and declared war again on Prussia. A few weeks later, he went after the United Kingdom.



A battle against the Prussians went surprisingly well.



How did they kill so many Prussians?

"They went in charging with their white flags of victory. The Prussians thought they were surrendering aggressively."

Why did that matter?

"They surrendered so aggressively that the Germans killed themselves rather than continue to face such a terrifyingly brutal surrender."

The poor bastards.

"Indeed, sir."

Are you still giving them reforms they don't want?

"I am, sir."

With the "offensive surrender" trick neutralized, the Prussians wrapped up the French National Guard on August 31, 1853. The Germans took Paris a few weeks earlier; the French cheered the white flags of victory. By October, France was no longer a Great Power.



Why did we stay a Great Power so long?

"There's no accounting for international taste."

Evidently not. I want more losing!

"Sir! The Jacobins are rebelling!"

Yes!

"And... they're attacking the Prussians!"

Blast! How can we completely destroy France and salt the earth if the Prussians are delayed in their conquest?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last two years Order was in France were brutally victorious in their defeat. Britain took French Madras; by repeatedly denying the British request to surrender, Order stirred up enough resentment that Jacobins revolted again. Saxe-Weimar conquered French Provence, while Hesse-Darmstadt took Brittany. The resulting map was a terrifying one -- for Chaos.



That was fun, Rob. We took the #2 ranked power in the world all the way to #65, and they'll almost certainly collapse.

"Well done, sir."

I'll let you tally up the score, but where is Chaos going?

"The Ottoman Empire."

Hmm... I hope we ruined his score enough. He actually has a chance to get some decent points there.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Score for France, added to Chaos's total: 1 new technology (+3), 20 less provinces (-20), 33 months as a GP (+33), drop from 397 total score to 3 (-39), two rebellions (-10) = -33.

Total for Chaos: +8.

Is there anything else I could have done, in your opinion, to completely and utterly screw over France? Let me know!
 

Vrael_1492

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I don't think you could do anything worse with France, except that you could have declared war on Algeria, and let them take the coast there as it would be an even more embarrassing defeat for them :) On another note I am looking forward to see what Chaos can do with the Ottomans. I am just wondering, how much have they taken/lost from Egypt/Russia? In my experience they usually go after the same provinces all the time. Also as I said earlier in this thread, I could sense that a great AAR was coming, at it has not failed yet ;)
 

Athalcor

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No score loss for losing the GP status?
 

tamius23

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Wouldn't it be hilarious if Chaos got stuck with the CSA?

"You're... a bit more vindictive than normal, sir."

Order would get the points, so Chaos would run it into the ground. I imagine he could get many fewer than -33, without even angering the Mexicans.

The Ottomans could be exciting.
 

king hannibal

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Hilarious update, as is the status quo from you. Nice to see the death of the BBB. Probably'll mess up the map pretty badly.
 

alhoward

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And here I thought Chaos would have ended up with uber-Prussia. But the Ottomans should be fun to watch.
 

EU3NOOB

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I always love France get eaten alive! Now all we need is an evil Vincent Price laugh...
 

Avindian

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I don't think you could do anything worse with France, except that you could have declared war on Algeria, and let them take the coast there as it would be an even more embarrassing defeat for them :) On another note I am looking forward to see what Chaos can do with the Ottomans. I am just wondering, how much have they taken/lost from Egypt/Russia? In my experience they usually go after the same provinces all the time. Also as I said earlier in this thread, I could sense that a great AAR was coming, at it has not failed yet ;)

They've gotten a tiny bit from the Egyptians, but not much.

My god... that is beautiful.

No score loss for losing the GP status?

Yeah, that's something I'll have to add. Maybe a flat -25? My concern is punishing those borderline countries that waffle from GP to not GP.

you could have declared war on spain and the italians states

In AHD, you can't declare war without a CB, and justifying them takes a while.

Order would get the points, so Chaos would run it into the ground. I imagine he could get many fewer than -33, without even angering the Mexicans.

The Ottomans could be exciting.

I do hope so!

The In Nomine in me made this update especially great.

I hope to see more BBB destruction in the future!

I do too, although I'm not sure how bad it could be...

Hilarious update, as is the status quo from you. Nice to see the death of the BBB. Probably'll mess up the map pretty badly.

You're undoubtedly right. What will be really interesting is what will happen if/when Prussia forms NGF.

And here I thought Chaos would have ended up with uber-Prussia. But the Ottomans should be fun to watch.

There's still time. The first three random provinces were an uncolonized island in the Pacific, a British one, and a French one.

I always love France get eaten alive! Now all we need is an evil Vincent Price laugh...

Is there any other kind?
 

123xyz8

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I believe you have destroyed the Balance of Power in Europe...good job xD. I believe we will see a Communist France by the end of this game due to your actions
 

Avindian

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I believe you have destroyed the Balance of Power in Europe...good job xD. I believe we will see a Communist France by the end of this game due to your actions

It's very possible! The current revolutionaries are Jacobin.
 

CivandEUIII

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:eek: could this be? if you were to run austria into the ground, Germany might well form!
 

Duke of Britain

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White flags of Victory! Awesome!



Well, this was impressive!
And what about a penalty to points if losing GP status when you are fourth or higher GP? (It could be measured according to the position you started, as well, so if you started on first place and lost GP it would be worse than starting with fourth placed country and losing it)
 

Avindian

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:eek: could this be? if you were to run austria into the ground, Germany might well form!

A very intriguing thought. Now all the RNG has to do is give me Austria!

White flags of Victory! Awesome!



Well, this was impressive!
And what about a penalty to points if losing GP status when you are fourth or higher GP? (It could be measured according to the position you started, as well, so if you started on first place and lost GP it would be worse than starting with fourth placed country and losing it)

That's not a bad idea. I won't apply any post loss to Chaos ex post facto, but I would like to hear other thoughts. I was personally thinking of a flat penalty -- -25 or something -- but the Duke's idea makes sense too. What do you folks think?