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DisgruntledLemming

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I think the RNG's just softening him up with these "easy" games before it pulls out some minor in India.
 

Avindian

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You've been getting a lot of powerful nations lately. It must be to make up for all the times you had to play as an OPM or other weak nation back in the EUIII AAR. :p

I think the RNG's just softening him up with these "easy" games before it pulls out some minor in India.

You both have a point; however, it's also important to remember that I'm doing countries by determine province instead of tag, so it will probably lean towards bigger countries. There's also fewer OPMs in Vicky 2, even with a 1836 start, than with a 1399 start in EU3.
 

king hannibal

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That was a great update, makes up for the monotony that was Oman.
 

Avindian

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That was a great update, makes up for the monotony that was Oman.

Thanks! I still feel kind of guilty I didn't go after Prussia, but I don't trust the AI not to screw up a war I started (see: UK vs. Prussia).
 

Ashantai

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Nice work with Austria! Poor Death though...being stuck with Chaos for a few years would make him wish he could die!
 

Avindian

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Nice work with Austria! Poor Death though...being stuck with Chaos for a few years would make him wish he could die!

Indeed it did.

Anybody catch my clever reference in the last update?
 

Avindian

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Was this it?
It's a reference to Metallica's "Thing That Should Not Be", right?

I actually haven't heard that song (which is a shame, because I do like Metallica), but I looked at the lyrics. Metallica completely ripped them off somebody else :)

You're right, in other words, but second hand.
 

Selzro

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"That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And in strange aeons even death may die."

I do believe it is a quote from the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred, writer of the Necronomicon. :p
 

Avindian

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"That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And in strange aeons even death may die."

I do believe it is a quote from the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred, writer of the Necronomicon. :p

Well done! :)

I knew the song was inspired by Lovecraft's works, but I haven't actually read any of them.

That's okay -- now I'm going to have this Metallica song. Do you know which album it's on?
 

Avindian

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Avindian

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Persia: In which Order discovers that being an imperialist is actually pretty neat

Author's note: This update is designed to be a bit confusing. You may need to read it several times. Your head may explode. I am not liable for any of these things. That said, it should still be funny, maybe even more so. Who can say?

Order found himself in Persia with no guide. Needless to say, this was disconcerting. He checked his watch, which indicated that the new model of Robo-Explorer should have arrived. While he waited, he passed the technological reform and Westernized Persia.



Ten minutes later, a man in overalls winked into existence. "Terribly sorry, Order. I've been instructed to give you this map of Persia; it'll be a couple of days before the new model is done. There are some... kinks."



That's all right. Thanks for the map. As the worker tipped his cap, Order stopped him. What's the name of the company you work for?

The worker looked uncomfortable. "By the terms of my employment contract, I cannot share that information."

Can't or won't?

"Can't. I've had a lobotomy that removes only that information from my brain, and a microchip implanted that prevents me from learning that, and only that, bit of knowledge. If I somehow come across it, I'll commit suicide."

That's a little extreme, don't you think?

The worker shrugged. "It's a good job, I make good money. What else could I want?"

Where are your checks from?

"I get direct deposit."

I see. Well, you must be from the future to have such advanced technology.

"Oh dear, look at the time! I have to be going. Bye now!"

A few moments later, Robo-Explorer 3000 winked into existence. "I greet you, Order. I am Robo-Explorer 3000. I am required to inform you that, in an effort to get this unit to you as quickly as possible, there is a slight wiring problem in my brain."

That's a shame. What's wrong with you?

"Who said there was anything wrong with me? I meet all specifications."

But you just said --

"Yes, I did. Sorry for the confusion. Bad wiring, as I said. Anyway, we are in Persia now. I see you've already westernized; that should prove useful in the coming conflict. What are your orders?"

Let me check the map. Hmm... Oman wants an alliance. Should I take it?

"That isn't Oman!"

Are you sure, it says Oman?

"You're right, it does. An alliance would probably neither help nor hurt you, I would wager."

Order was troubled by Rob's unusual actions, but said nothing further. He decided to research Medicine as his first technology, since the deserts of Persia have surprisingly low supply limits. The PELF looked about, and found the Shah.

Hello, Shah.

"Uh... hello. Do I know you?"

I am a traveler, here to help you on your way to becoming a dominant power in Asia.

The Shah looked at Order; Rob had chosen an appropriate garb for the area, but the Shah still looked unsettled. "What could you possibly have to offer me?"

Leadership.

"I am the leader."

Technical ability?

"We are Westernized now; I'll thank you not to condescend."

Help me out here, Rob.

"Shah, I can provide absolutely nothing of value to you. Nothing whatsoever."

The Shah laughed and threw the presumptuous fool before him out of his palace. A few minutes later, Order, in the guise of Rob, dusted himself.

Rob, why did you tell the Shah I couldn't help him? You know that I have considerable ability to improve his country.

"Of course you do."

Then why didn't you say that?

"That's exactly what I said!"

Order decided to deactivate Rob's speech module for the time being, so he could think. After a few moments, he thought of a solution to his quandary. Rob, you may only respond by nodding your head for yes, or shaking it for no. Is that understood?

Rob nodded his head.

Good. Now, is there anything wrong with you?

Rob shook his head.

There isn't? You're completely fine?

Rob shook his head.

So, then, there is something wrong with you!

Rob shook his head.

Let's try something simpler, so I can figure out how messed up your brain is. Are you a robot?

Rob nodded.

Good, that's a start. Is your name Rob?

Rob shook his head.

Okay. Are you Robo-Explorer 3000?

Rob nodded.

But not Rob?

Rob shook his head.

You can't recognize the name Rob?

Rob shook his head.

So, you can recognize Rob?

Rob shook his head.

Which is it?!?! Yes or no?

Rob nodded.

Then, if I call you Rob, you'll respond?

Rob shook his head.

Order was getting extremely irritated, to say the least. Are you capable of self-destructing, Rob?

Rob nodded.

Good. If I order to you self-destruct, will you?

Rob shook his head.

Why not? Are you some kind of coward? Afraid of death?

Rob shook his head.

Will your self-destruction also destroy the planet?

Rob nodded.

Ah. I see. I think the best thing to do is simply shut you down. Can I use your body as an exoskeleton without your brain?

Rob nodded again.

Good. Do that.

Rob powered down.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some Persian Reactionaries rose up against the new Persia, but were quickly dispatched. Order frowned, realizing he'd lose points for the revolt, but decided to take matters into his own (Rob's) hands.

You there, Persian!

A coal miner looked up at Order, and ran away screaming.

What the?

A few moments later, the entire coal mine was empty, with each and every miner having either died of fright or simply fled. Power back on, Rob. You may also enable speech. Order waited for that to complete. Rob, why did the peasants run away in terror?

"I cannot project an image if I am powered down."

Oh. I suppose that's fair. Can you leave just enough power on to project the image?

"I'm afraid not."

Blast. Stay on, then.

The newly modernized Persia, or Persia 2.0, started constructing factories at a furious pace. Persia underwent a 100% growth rate in factories.*

*Only one factory was constructed. A cement factory. That's still 100%!

A month later, a bunch of Communists from Hamburg showed up and complained about the proletariat not having any rights. It was then pointed out that the Persian proletariat was six people and a very talented goat. In the end, only the goat joined the Communist party, but was eaten at their celebration. By 1872, Order was ready to do some damage. He began to justify a war against Kalat, taking particular pleasure that he was able to "Establish a Protectorate" to rule over the uncivilized citizens of Kalat, despite being just as primitive a year before.



To celebrate certain victory, the inhabitants of Tehran spontaneously rose up and built a lumber mill. All they used was their bare hands, their imagination, and £7380. The Communists showed up again, but were killed in an unfortunate nail gun accident. It was unfortunate because the nail gun hadn't been invented yet; an enterprising Persian simply loaded nails into his muzzle loaded rifle and pointed at a section of the factory. By July of 1872, Order had his soldiers on the move, pausing only to collect the Medicine he'd invented.




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few weeks later, Order decided to address Rob for the first time in months.

Can we go after Afghanistan next, Rob?

"It is possible, and may I say, even a good idea. Your advanced weapons are surely going to crush them like bugs."



Why can't I annex Afghanistan?

"You can."

Really?

"No."

Now I remember why I stopped talking to you. I can't wait for model 3001. Let's just go after Kalat while we wait.

Kalat's army was disposed of in short order.



Only a minor rebellion distracted the brave Persian soldiers from their quest.



After Kalat was annexed, Afghanistan was next. Order ordered (hah!) several new brigades of Persian infantry to assist in the fight, but it wasn't really necessary. Afghanistan surrendered soon enough.



While Afghanistan was being conquered, a Persian scientist claimed he'd invented Clean Coal. His attempts to sell it as a stain remover went very poorly, to say the least.



The UK also declared war on the USA for New England, while the French tried to retake Picardie from Prussia. By the end of 1874, Order reactivated Rob to ask him a question.

Should I declare war on Makran, to pick up one last province and boost my score?

"No; they're too powerful."

Makran is too powerful?

"Of course not, Order. Don't be absurd."

Just... do it.



One final tech, the Sock Exchange, was a huge success, as lots of people in Persia had large sock collections and liked to show and expand them. Then, an economist insisted he said "Stock", not "Sock." He was ignored.



With the increased revenue that willy-nilly sock trading provided, Persia handily defeated the unstoppable (?) Makran.



A few days later, January 1, 1876 rolled around. Robo-Explorer 3000 winked out of existence, replaced by the workman.

"Hello, Order! How did you enjoy the Robo-Explorer 4000?"

4000?

"Yes, 4000. Wait. You didn't get stuck with 3000, did you? Suicides were up 4000% with that model."

No, 3000. Wait, people who use your robots commit suicide?

The worker was quick to dismiss those claims as ludicrous. "Our robots are completely safe, and the number of suicides is well within normal parameters. Anyway, I'm sorry about the 3000. There's a slight error in their logic chip."

I'll say.

"Anyway, I'm sure you'll have the 4000 next time around, unless Chaos blows it up."

Where's he going to be?

"The United States. Can you believe they won the war and got part of Canada?"

Yeah, I guess.

"Well, back to the bar with you... wait a minute."

What?

"Persia begins with 'P'."

Yeah, so?

"Read the opening post of the AAR again."

Let's see here... SON OF A --

"Yep, all your points get added to Chaos's score. You probably should have noticed that before you started."

I should just quit now!

"You can certainly forfeit, I suppose. Then again, Chaos gets the Reality Bomb."

You know what? I don't even care at this point. I'd kind of like to see Reality obliterated.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In case you're wondering? I completely missed it when I was playing, or I would have done my best to destroy Persia. Poor Order.

Score in Persia: Westernization (+25), 4 new techs [including reform] (+12), 3 war goals (+15), 9 new provinces (+9), 3 rebellions (-15), increase from 36 to 68 (+3) = +49.

Total score for Chaos: +226

If anybody can find the exact logic error that Robo-Explorer 3000 had, you'll get one million (useless) points.
 

Willum

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It can't be simple shifting back and forth between positive and negative answers, unless Avindian miswrote this part:

"But not Rob?

Rob shook his head.

You can't recognize the name Rob?

Rob shook his head.

So, you can recognize Rob?

Rob shook his head."

Of course the second question is a negative question, in which a negative answer could be seen as positive, but that system would not be implemented in the rest of the aar
By the way, how were you able to westernise?
 
Last edited:

Selzro

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Wow. First Order practically loses a turn playing as Oman, then he mistakenly generates points for Chaos, and meanwhile Chaos gets Austria and then the USA - both GPs! I wonder if Order can still hope to win this game...
 

Avindian

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3000 alternates between positive and negative answers?

It can't be simple shifting back and forth between positive and negative answers, unless Avindian miswrote this part:

"But not Rob?

Rob shook his head.

You can't recognize the name Rob?

Rob shook his head.

So, you can recognize Rob?

Rob shook his head."

Of course the second question is a negative question, in which a negative answer could be seen as positive, but that system would not be implemented in the rest of the aar
By the way, how were you able to westernise?

You're both close, but it's not that the answer is always negative.

I was able to Westernize because I only had one reform to do; the AI has done a remarkable job of Westernizing in this game!

Wow. First Order practically loses a turn playing as Oman, then he mistakenly generates points for Chaos, and meanwhile Chaos gets Austria and then the USA - both GPs! I wonder if Order can still hope to win this game...

Yeah; he is having some rotten luck, isn't he?
 

DisgruntledLemming

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Oh Order...:blink: He's gonna have to pull something great in the next couple rounds, or Chaos is gonna have to be annexed in the next couple rounds too.