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Exclusive Interview Transcript

"Sir, we all know your biography. And we ought to say that we are impressed. Most of us at least. But what is your program actually?"
"Thank you for the courtesy, and for that good question as well. I will not kid you that it all comes down to the program. Everybody who knows something about politics knows that there are many other factors. This campaign does not pretend that it is otherwise. But there are important things I want to do with this Republic."
"We are all ears."
"First of all the economy. Rights and advancements and all, tell me how you are going to do it without an economy. We need more economy. And I don't mean the old money families only. We need small business, we need new blood."
"That is where you differ from some in your party."
"True, although that difference has long been reconciled, at least for this campaign. Some in our party have indeed grown to believe that what is good for the five families is ultimately good for the citizen. I say empower the citizen to work for his own good and the good of the Republic with his own hands, and mind if he is so predisposed, and make it happen."
"That is not far from your own origins."
"And that is not far from the truth. But each of us brings in with himself a unique experience that he can put to work for the good of the Republic. We shouldn't exclude anybody. I am not saying we are. But I am saying we could free things up a bit. Shake them up a bit if necessary, but within healthy limits. Remember what I said about a strong economy. No revolutions that could either bring us up or take us down."
"And what does this Republic need, in terms of the economy, according to you?"
"An expanded market. Improvements at the port. The queue is potentially endless but it comes down to these two things, essentially."
"I'm surprised you didn't mention defense, given your background."
"I want to clarify some things. I am against undercutting the defense. But you are undercutting the defense when you are spending on defense when you should be spending on what gives fuel for the defense. And that is the economy. You cannot invest in defense any money that you don't have in your coffers. It is as simple. And if you look at our economy, it is stagnant. It isn't going anywhere. The trade is a giant on clay feet without infrastructure. One embargo war and all your profit base goes poof. We need to diversify the Republic's sources of income and include more traditional, infrastructure-based tax income sources, as well as reliable sources that are outside the enemy's reach."
"What if we are attacked from the outside during the time those forward-looking investments of yours are maturing, though? What do you suggest we do then?"
"I suggest the great families unite for once and present a unified front against the invader, instead of relying on the Doge exclusively to conduct the effort and the Republic to use its resource to protect their resources. Some sucking it up may be necessary."
"Wait, would that empower the great families or undercut them? Because I am at a loss there, I must admit."
"Both really, it depends. I am for giving them a greater share in decision power if they take a greater share in the responsibility. This Republic needs proactive servants."
"Such as yourself?"
"I always tried to be. In the D–"
"Yes, we know, Admiral. There is no need.–"
"But I do believe in peace through strength. We need to provide principled leadership and stand united with others, especially our allies, to protect our vital national interests. And that there is a tomorrow, a tomorrow we are building with hard hard work. Beginning with the Doge. But I want everyone to participate and give his best."
"That is ambitious."
"Indeed. But this is the healthy sort of ambition we need."
"Wait, does that mean you support interventions in the affairs of foreign countries?"
"Like heck I do. Let me be crystal clear with you on this one: not only do I not believe in sitting on your fat ass when men of your own religion or nation are swarmed by invaders on moral grounds, it is also stupid to allow invaders to get fat on the blood they suck while you are revelling in your inactivity. Perspective is needed. Sometimes you fight for your own country very far from its borders. That, and there does exist a common cause of Christianity, of humanity."
"Preventive wars?"
"No. But proactive assistance in defence. Today we help them, tomorrow they come and help us. Would still go on a counterpush when needed. But I'd be the last man to waste the lives of our servicemen when it is not needed. Mindless expansionism is not my way."
"What about education? Health care? Social programs?"
"The only social programme anyone ever needs is a job."
"Education?"
"You need education for jobs. You also need education to grow as a citizen, a man, a Christian. I am all for education. Preferably all of it we can get–"
"Does that me-"
"No, I won't save up six hundred to go wild with a university. We will need to rely on the monasteries and cathedrals first. Start small or you will be overinvesting. Delayed benefit is good but not when it basically freezes your cash. We need to work on basic education first. Statistically, it confers the same benefit while taking up one third of the cost. I've done the maths. Besides, like I said, we need to deck out the markets and ports to the top of our technology before we start investing in things, including tech. But I will be paying attention to tech from the beginning. Judicious management can go a long way that simply throwing money at the issue could not. Although rest assured that I would be throwing money at it if we had it. I will be busy making sure we have it, first."
"So it is all really about economy?"
"No it's not. But you need the economy to do other things."
"Including education and tech."
"Yes, although the relationship is reciprocal. You need tech to make the economy."
"So what do you propose with the tech?"
"An 'all of the above' approach, essentially. We need to capitalize on the areas where we are behind."
"Excuse me? Did I hear you right?"
"Yes, you did. I said: capitalize on the areas where we are behind. As cynical as this sounds, it is easier to catch up than it is to develop something new. I am all for developing new things and taking a position of technological leadership but that is something you need to work for."
"–Let me guess: by building up your economy to pay for it."
"Precisely. We cannot get fixated on one big thing while ignoring all the smaller benefits that are within hand's reach."
"I thought you were in favor of a long-term approach."
"I am. And this is precisely the long-term approach. It just gives up on centrally planned tech and introduces a free market of technologies as it were, while forcing us to be somewhat reactive but definitely not passive. You can think of it as technologies competing for our investment. And we make the best of it by reacting but to react wisely we need to stay on top of the flow and keep tabs on the progress."
"Well, that does seem to make sense."
"It does. When we are behind everywhere or ahead everywhere, and naturally I would prefer the latter possibility, then we can be picky. Or when the differences in estimated progress rate are negligible or when, after a good deal of thinking, you conclude that there is some tech you don't need while every single day towards the faster achievement of your desired tech counts. But let me be clear on this one: There isn't any such tech as of yet. There is much to fix before such grand strategising can be entertained seriously, I won't be lying to you."
"Thank you for the interview, Admiral."
"Likewise."
 
Do We Have the Dark Horse of This Election?



Our soon to be Serene Doge? Can Ermenegildo Gumba be it?

While the official electors are sporting grim and serious, unreadable faces in the public and the traditional leaders of opinion are bickering and fussing about the choice of our new leader,The Hon. Ermenegildo Gumba, JD, RADM (Ret.), Ambassador (Ret.) is emerging as a feasible possibility! The celebrated "Commander Gumba", who retired from official active service in our Navy twelve years ago due to combat wounds after a splendid and dedicated career much of which was known in the patriotic-minded circles and still more is not known, and who has since moved up in rank on the retired list in circumstances of which nothing is actually known whatsoever but rumor has speculated to involve things which could cause an open conflict if they ever leaked out (some sources outright claim, on the condition of anonymity, that the Law Offices of Gumba & Partners LLP is a Company outfit but the last independent audit revealed nothing of the sort, while he does keep whoe portions of his records sealed, citing attorney-client privilege), is plowing onward on his now offensive, and the targets seem to be yielding.

Career attorney, law professor and noted expert on contract law (including Shari'a jurisdictions), diplomat, spy (this is a public secret really and we cite the FOPA* anyway) and, apparently, command officer (our source inside the Navy Dept. claims that he has logged more days of actual command in the field than many serving officers of his rank or higher despite being formally affiliated with either the JAG or Navy Information and Analytics Services) is approaching his potential new assignment with indomitable vigor in the fifty-first year of his life, and with an eagerness to, "serve this great Republic in every single way I can," in his own words. His platform of peace through strength, limited government, non-meddling in the market, solid entry level education, balanced technological development and opportunities for new businesses but above all an "Economic Awakening" (essentially: strength through infrastructure), is gaining a historically unprecedented level of credibility with both the general populace as well as the business and other leaders of our nation, much of it due to the war hero's reputation as a man of his word and a man who can make things happen, whether in the field, or in a palace, or in the boardroom. We are slowly becoming more and more confident that this just might actually work. The Partner, Ambassador, CEO and Admiral may thus soon assume a new title to eclipse them all. "The only social program one ever needs is a job," is one of the characteristic quips of his campaign. Another characteristic moment was when he actually punched an interviewer for ill-mouthing his now-deceased eastern wife, after warning him previously, which he did in full view of the press; in fact, in the very middle of a hall packed to the brim with reporters.

The democrats are threatening to sue, raise an alarm with international bodies, appeal to the Vatican (we somehow doubt that they have more friends there than Gumba, who has reportedly received briefings for some of his missiions at the Lateran Palace), even complain to the Kaiser (this one was edited out eventually but we put our hands on the initial draft), bring out the crowds of their supporters on the streets (Gumba's own crowd just might be bigger, as the figures show), block the budget, blockade the port with unkempt, bearded activists and everything else that is in their power to contest the results of this "millennium coup" as they term it. The problem is that the power might be slipping through their fingers, and who like who but Gumba should know how to keep or restore order and tidy up a nasty theater. Or sue. He says, "Yeah, I know the Dem' Chief Counsel. We used to be pals, you know. I let him copy my notes at law school." This is going to be interesting.



* FOPA, Freedom of Press Act (1028), pron. "faux pas"
 
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Very odd. Italy-as-America?

Not that I'm complaining, as such. I'm just struck with an urge to slap for no good reason, even though I have issues with everyone trying to write their own 'epic story' when they should concentrate on getting it done. You're not doing that(which I'm glad of), and yet the urge persists.

Even though I'm very happy with the writing in itself and await more.
 
We Have a New Doge!

"Ladies and gentlemen! The ballots are counted and the results are in!" quoth the town crier on orders from the clerk of the Electoral College. "Our new Serene Doge is..."—silence falls, with everyone cutting the vivid speculations and holding his or her breath in this defining, historical moment—"...Ermenegildo Gumba!" A number of deep resounding ohs are heard as a couple of ladies faint and men begin cheering, usually those affiiliated with either the armed forces or the growing business sector, with some of the religious right and a couple of university professors and members of the bar distinctly voicing their satisfaction with the choice made by the Republic's direct voting body. Some of whom the opposition are vowing to sue as "faithless electors", while they cite their right to, "have a change of mind and vote for who's best for the Republic instead of who's best for a loud few."

"Fellow citizens, constituents, paisans!" Gumba addresses the crowd from the town crier's platform. Ovations interrupt his first speech in his new capacity as Doge-Elect and he knows better than dealing them an affront by cutting to the chase. His own eyes too are glowing with the magic of the moment. But he eventually throws his hands up in the air in a mocking gesture of surrender and the crowd settles down except for the new audible boos and jeers from the malcontents. "Thank you, gentlemen. I appreciate this reminder that I have not yet won all the hearts and I need to work harder for the good of the Republic to eventually convince all!" The deafening expression of support drowns the grievances. "Look, folks," he says, chuckling. "If you never let me talk you will never know what I wanted to say to you!" And they fell mute again.

"...And what I have to say to you is that all the elections promises will be kept! I. Was. Not. Kidding." He starts working on his sleeves, revealing quite a bit of muscle and a good couple of visible scars and other marks on his otherwise hairy fore-arms. "There is no taking your for a ride. These sleeves are going up and this hands are getting down to work. From day one. I would to hold a cabinet meeting early tomorrow morning but me and my closest collaborators are going to hold a first meeting far into the night. I know I am not yet sworn in but there is a lot of work to prepare! I ask for the support and prayers of you all, no matter which names you ticked on your ballot. I will work hard to not disappoint the trust you have either put in me or gave me as a loan. I promise to pay it back!" And then he jumped off the platform, with a wide a grin, and began to shake hands with everybody, both big and small, affluent or downthrodden. Nobody was refused and nobody was allow to skip waiting his turn on account of his standing, as if Gumba was replying to the wide-spread accusation of favoring the rich and the powerful. The only exception that was actually made was for disabled veterans and pregnant women. Shaking his hand with so many people made it pleasantly warm but after a while he was warned blisters would appear in the morning. "Don't matter!" came the reply. "Can't be any worse than the blisters I've already had. At worst, I'll drown them in booze like the other ones! Just kidding, boys. We've all got to stay sober if we are to be of any use to the Republic!" Gumba reportedly has been drowning his stress in his bottle but it is claimed that his relaxation habits have never interfered with his work.




The swearing in ceremony will be held the day after tomorrow in the same place.
 
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Very odd. Italy-as-America?

Not that I'm complaining, as such. I'm just struck with an urge to slap for no good reason, even though I have issues with everyone trying to write their own 'epic story' when they should concentrate on getting it done. You're not doing that(which I'm glad of), and yet the urge persists.

Even though I'm very happy with the writing in itself and await more.

Glad to hear you enjoy the AAR! If I were to comment explicitly, the charm would dissipate, wouldn't it? Read on! ;)
 
OOC:

I wish I had better news two weeks since the last post (I didn't even realise) but I need to confess I've just wiped 100 years of the game along with almost 8000 screenshots. I couldn't find myself in the game, stopped liking it. After winning crusades for Jerusalem and Greece and liberating all of Armenia and being 1 county away from forming Georgia, not to mention tipping the scale in Spain and saving Sicily a bunch of times, I was the hereditary Duke of Jerusalem and holder of the coast there and my capital was in Constantinople. Should be fun, shouldn't it? The dynasty of republican crusaders. Republican, huh. Half-Salian, quarter-Capet and married to a Stenkil was the heir last time I checked (beats the di Kenedis, doesn't it?) and there had not been a single mansion upgrade throughout the entire time, and I had 3 trade posts total (the only 2 I ever built was in the short time-frame when I wasn't doge).

The above didn't actually mismatch my normal game style (I just can't sit about when Christian provinces have been freshly captured by Muslims or a Christian ruler is losing a holy war for his Christian provinces) or even my vision of the Gumba family members who followed after the retired admiral law firm partner turned CEO died following a very successful and memorable reign, which left like 15K of score to his heir. The Republic prospered in trade like a good Republic should, with absolutely huge and dominating trade zones, which was done by other patricians, while the Gumbas handled the defence and liberation and the global play. But eventually, around 1170, to think that was Pisa was... odd.

That, and the mistakes I'd made, which were partly connected with being torn between the restoration of pre-conquest traditional rulers (another theme in my games) and the Republican form of government (normal counts and dukes have the -30 opinion penalty, add the -18 for being a foreigner and guess what happens when somebody else becomes the doge). And then the, "oh no, will have to deal with the 120K attrition-immune Mongols each time they spawn in Persia nextdoor," factor, adding to the weighty feeling I just didn't want to have to handle any more. Perhaps I've just had too much CK2, since I'm not really finding satisfaction in it, more the opposite.

I'm not yet decided as to whether that was just a peculiar game or something wrong in my vision or planning of it, or my responses, or the incompatibility of my playing style, or whatever else it was. I'll need to rethink things, come up with a way to make this a good game and good AAR. I still have the save where we left off, which means just after Ermenegildo Gumba, JD, RADM (Ret.) won the elections. Perhaps deleting the entire history, which had consumed long hours, was a silly move after all, but I feel much freer and much less unhappy now.

Perhaps in a different run there will be a more survivable BYZ (or, in other words, no Fatimid Greece), a less attention-requiring Spain, more stuff to do closer to home, no crusade winning by being the "owner" of the holy order stack that easily trumps everybody else's contribution percentage early on. Or perhaps I'll still blob but feel better about it.

And perhaps I'll actually update real-time to force me to keep playing and not restart or reload just because I don't like something.

Should this turn into a total fail, on the other hand, I'll hope y'all had some fun with the introduction as a story in its own right.
 
New Cabinet

A New Cabinet in the Making!

The new Doge was just seen leaving the council chambers after what is said to have been a very brief session. There are rumors of a new cabinet. Will we see the spoils system at its best? The old appointees of the Old Doge are going out but who is coming in? Men from the military? A clique from 'the Company' or the inner circle of State? Sharks and hounds from Gumba & Associates LLP? "None of those. In fact, none of the kind," came the enigmatic reply from the Palace.




First Day in Office

Dear Diary,

I just finished my first council session, at night of course. You're probably aware of all the speculation. There is no reason to delay the start when you get around to something important. And what is more important than running the Republic? At least as far as this temporal world is concerned. I also spent almost the entire treasury.

Long story short, I told them they can keep their posts on a pro tempore basis but that's as long as it will last. Thanks for their service, medals will be incoming and all, and it will not be forgotten, but we are going to have a government of experts. Those experts will not be heads of important factions, people I went to school with or am indebted to. In fact, they will not be from here at all.

First thing is the steward. You just need economy to afford everything else. And a good economist can do wonders to your country's income. I looked at the profiles:



But getting them to come here was the hard part. In most cases from the top pile of resumes, it went like this:



Which translates into: "forget it."

Eventually I found a less stellar candidate but one that could actually be bothered. Franz, a local German. Currently settled in Savoy but doesn't really like his current employer. That is something we can fix rather quickly to mutual advantage.



By "less stellar", I mean on a relative scale. He's still twice as smart as anybody I could find in this entire administration.

And a smart steward is important not only for the present but also for the future. The future for many generations, in fact. Basically, he guides the crucial economic advancement that we need in order to progress and adapt. Yes, I said "adapt". There will be more people, we will need to feed them all, make jobs for them all, and that will require newer designs, newer structures. Same goes for the increasing volume of trade.



The military tech is dealt with by the marshal, among his other functions.



And the chancellor handles culture.



They all work with the chaplain for all of their research. With the amount of schooling need, clerics, especially the high-profile ones, are easily the most bookish persons around, having also absorbed odds and ends of other knowledge. From the tech point of view, the chaplain is the most important of them all. He can also personally handle the job when he's not needed to preach to non-believing or faltering masses or arrange things with the papal court or a local bishop's court, and bring even more benefit to cultural advancement specifically, just as the marshal and the steward can improve army tech and econ tech respectively. See why I'm spending all this cash on gifts already? The Republic will get ~hundred gold back. But it won't get back any lost time.

I found the new chancellor in Pomerania.

http://imageshack.com/a/img15/789/martinbx.jpg

He's supposedly attractive to the ladies. Must be something in his personality because he isn't rich, either. But as far as his personality goes, he's everything I'd wish for in a civil servant. Well, maybe except a certain sense of justice, but he's there to negotiate, not to handle cases.

The chaplain will be a Saxon guy, Eadgar. Talented but lazy. Still incredibly efficient overall.

http://imageshack.com/a/img16/4656/eadgarf.jpg

As far as military skills go, it's obvious who's the best. Vivar is pronounced the same Bibar and he's quite the imbiber. Took me some guts to drink him under the table. If you could call that table. But it's classified, anyway. No chance, though. He's currently on good terms with his king, for a change. Means he won't be moving out any time soon.



I look at the other guy, some kind of war hero from southern France, already with a reputation for unyielding defence at his age of 23. At that point in my life, I was a rookie associate and he's leading the forces of an entire county right now.



But there's one problem:



The cost of the gifts required to get him to come here would be a poor investment considering that he's gonna be the count any minute now.

Then there's that old Saxon rebel Hereward the Wake.



But he's hiding with the Dunbars in Lothian and won't be coming out. It's too warm and cosy there and all. Besides, his people need him.

The rest of them just aren't good enough to justify the expenses. Besides, I only have cash for four gifts, not five. I find a genius in Spain, a true nerd. As a bonus, being in Spain, he should know how to deal with the Muslims. Which is what he will be doing. So here's Guzmán.



The old council will be working on research except for the spymaster. If I'm not keeping him, it's not worth risking a ransom to be paid if he gets caught before the expert takes over.



Regulations put in place by the previous administration won't be changing. They're the good standard solution: church is separate from the state, everybody supplies normal levies, the cities pay normal tax, the Church the usual little and the feudals nothing whatsoever. But they also earn little and have huge expenses to disburse the moment they're called to the field with their somewhat better troops, so this is understandable unlike what most burgers think.

[
 
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Sweetrolls Are Calling

Surprise Takeover in House Visconti!

Pisa Jan 1, 1078--House Visconti (VISC) is rumored to be in for some serious equity shuffling. This is not fully confirmed yet but according to our probes and well informed sources we have placed, err... found, at the right places, we have been able to gather that the runner up in this dogal election will be departing for Genoa and transferring his shares in the Visconti business to Gumba & Associates LLP, the law firm belonging to his more successful co-contender. Unofficial reasons cited include financial problems of the family, tiredness with politics, and certain personal factors. Rumor has it that Gumba, who certainly is no stranger to hardball negotiation, was generous and gracious in his offer, not stooping to abuse his rival's peculiar situation, which he approached with understanding. He is expected to take care of the remaining shareholders and stakeholders from the founding family. VISC will remain registered under its current name and logo and existing Visconti leadership will continue their employment in the organization. The transaction is said to be a vehicle to normalize Gumba's patrician status.


Long story short, Gerardo desired a change of climate and it made sense for me to take the assets off him. I gave him more than he could possibly have got in the open market. There's gonna be some twitterpation about public disclosure and short notice but there's a reason I have all those associates lounging about in my precious library and wearing out the couches. Let them earn their supper for once. And if they break a single ethical rule, I'm gonna fire them. And re-hire them the next day but the lesson will stick. Swindle-loving form-cheating smartasses can go to ... never mind, history will forget them, there is no reason to eternalize them in this diary. Where was I?

Ah, there's that young guy Ugo who needs someone to oversee the remainder of his education. And that person's gonna be me. I've inherited the Visconti business down to the last man and his kid, at least those who wanted to stay. Good. My own clan's me, my one year old son and the wife. Although I have some trusted men from the military and, well, my other days, they aren't really fit for everyday business. Special jobs, more like, but not the usual, typical, flairless day by day acumen. Which I wouldn't exactly accuse myself of having, either, but I've got some good results to my own astonishment. Must be something I learned from the Fatties or Seljuks, no doubt. Or my boss's secretary in DoS. Was she a tight-fisted little harpy. Oh right, Ugo. Well, it's done, I've signed myself to the job, mostly due to the amazing absence of more learned minds in the Republic nowadays. Getting your teenagers homeschooled by a law professor, how morbid. I hope they won't go to law school. Just kidding. Mostly.



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Now there's another one of those young Visconti brats. Ugolino. Basically a little Ugo. Guess somebody wasn't particularly creative. Not my business anyway, I love them as they come.



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His tutor isn't quite optimal:



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Sigh.



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Come, my little bunch of firsties. We're gonna talk about introduction to contract law. Grandpa Gildo's gotta brush on his (grand-)parenting skills, there's no doubt about that. Now this leaves me sad about the little Maria but unlike the boys, she's holding fast and not getting corrupted by the less than ideal influence. She can stay that way until the wizards I hired arrive. I'll task them with a small kindergarten in addition to running Treasury, State and all. I'm sure they'll be elated. Let them try not be.

I need fresh air. Come, kiddos, we're gonna get some bagles at the river! And maybe even sweetrolls if you're good. Just tell mum and dad we're out for a while. This is a holiday, after all. New Year.

The other kids are Enrico and Ildebrando. Their names will look good on the board of directors one day.



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I'll need to free them from that cruel Alliata woman when my eggheads are portbound.



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Now excuse me, dear diary, Granda Gildo is urgently needed outside. Sweetrolls are calling.
 
(Poke me if the diary font is too small. I'm having a nagging hunch it is.)

(Also, these Viscontis are not the famous Viscontis. The Pisan ones have a rooster in their shield, the Milanese a serpent. No verification of a relationship. The name may well come from "viscount", which would make it pretty generic. Not as generic as Smith or Carpenter or Cobbler but still.)
 
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New Cabinet Complete!

Pisa Jan 13, 1078--Within less than a fortnight the new Serene Doge Ermenegildo Gumba has given us the promised, and hopefully promising, cabinet of experts. Current political incumbents have been thanked for their services and relieved from the posts they have hitherto held as announced at the end of the election day, with the sole exception of Baron Gerardo of Livorno, who is believed to be a substantive expert on warfare in his own right, if lacking the flair of the Europe-wide luminaries our coffers could not afford. Livorno will continue in office until such time as the services of a world leader in the field can be retained, barring more urgent investments.

This is believed to wildly atypical of and surprising from a Doge with a military background, but he explains, briefly: 'You gotta see beyond the swords the bows. To sustain a war effort you need to be able to produce the effort. And that is our top priority right now. We need a head start in the economy now in the first days of this administration and we'll catch up on defense tech before you notice. But we all need to play our part at improving the national economy first.'

He also added an impassionate personal appeal to all the citizenry, which he asked us to scribe on the first page and we were happy to oblige: 'We all need to play our part in improving the national economy right now. Don't ask what the Republic can do for you. Ask what you can do for the Republic!'

He also gave us an informal hint as to how to achieve that: pay taxes. Contribute to the success of your enterprise, or your employer's enterprise, and resources will trickle to the national coffers. The government can build infrastructure and enact laws to stimulate the economy, which they are all busy up to their necks doing right now as you read this, but they can't run the economy! Nor should they.

Here is the composition of the new Expert Cabinet:

State: Martin of Osterburg
Defense: (Baron) Gerardo of Livorno
Treasury/Commerce: Franz von Aosta
Intel/SpecOps: Guzmán de Sanabria
Religion: (Msgr) Eadgar of Cambridge



We wish them a happy start and all success in their undertakings, but once the honeymoon is over we, the free press, will be here to bring them to book!

Of other news, there's currently a huge storm going through the Assembly over the 'incentives' used to bring this new cabinet together, which, in the words of the opposition, 'could or should have been spent on... I don't know, just basically anything else!' Let's see if it was worth it.



Dear Editor,

Guess what. They come to chair the session in the morning, the secretary brings in koffeh and donuts, and this guy says, in his tourist Italian: 'Boss, boss, we haz streamleint ze techz!'

And then Gumba hands him a fat donut, takes a slow sip of koffeh, and replies in better German than the Kaiser's like that's the most usual thing ever: 'Oh, great, let me take a look. Interesting. Let's put this to some tests.' I nearly choked on my donut.

Yours etc.




The 'New Approach'—A groundbreaking change!

The costly expert government is yielding its first fruits. World-class experts brought together by our Serene Doge in the new council have on the first day devised a new approach which will make our technological progress more SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Result-Oriented and Time-Bound. Our sources say that while individual disciplines are handled by relevant experts, it is the Doge's personality and oversight which glues the system together, basing on his rich experience in the service of the Republic, which allows him to address her needs in all substantive areas.

 
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Annus Horibilis

Empty Coffers!

Pisa Jan 28, 1078--Breaking news! Corruption in our ranks! Critical cargo of strategic importance to the Doge was being snatched right under his nose. A merchant navy captain and some of the crew have been arrested and put on trial, but the money is not coming back. This is right after the Doge spent nearly 80% of our national treasury on 'incentives' for the foreigners who are now running the Republic. Travesty!




State Bankruptcy!

Pisa Jan 28, 1078--Bankruptcy! Our (once-)glorious state has gone virtually bankrupt over one night. There is a rumour that the Patrician houses are holding Gumba and his 'upstart empire' squarely responsible for this, and even the word 'impeachment' has been heard in the corridors of the Assembly House.






Address to the Nation

Our scribes are copying it right as it came from the Palace:

'Citizens, fellows, paysans, Pisans!

I shall not lie to you, dear Pisa. The times are rough, and we are facing tighter constraints than some of us remember in the recent past. But those of us who have been on this world longer remember far worse that this Republic has prevailed and emerged only stronger. I intend to keep it that way. A short dent in our supply, even if it means looking at the gaping empty bottoms of the public coffers right now, will not set us back for too long. We will make up for this loss within no more than six months of time, perhaps five. This is but a temporary nuisance, like a flea on a camel, to which no excessive weight should be given. Please remain calm and continue to do your business. In doing your business, you are serving the Republic. Also, the money which was lost by my faith-breaking men came largely my own purse, which I had dedicated wholly to the needs of this Republic.

Signed

Your Doge






This is not turning out nice. I must get myself back in shape. One. More. Time.

[/indent]




One Day with a Celebrity: Doge Gumba

For this issue of Celebrity Highlights, we have made a slightly unusual choice that may surprise some of our readers. We have decided to spend our one day not with an actor or singer or the typical business shark, but with our Serene Doge, who graciously consented, saying he had nothing to hide from the nation.

So here we are seeing him not in an Admiral's chainmail, nor in a counsel's toga, or in the trappings of a head of a Patrician house, but in a grandpa's blazer, spending time with his little ward. We have managed to catch this little but memorable moment when Mr Gumba, himself a noted expert on both Roman and Islamic contract law (and author of several articles about Frankish, Armenian and Coptic national peculiarities) describes the 'balance of the parties' to young Ugo Visconti, a remote kinsman (or kinsboy, rather) of the man he defeated in the elections.



'You did well, boy,' Gumba says, 'and you shouldn't listen to those adults who say you did not. Because while you haven't promised anything to the other children, even without a promise, a man's got to be fair to his fellow man. Especially a man who is one day going to serve the Republic,' here he ruffles young Ugo's hair, 'You see. This is something I need to look at when I work as a doge, too. When you have a limited number of resources, say, pastries, which more than one person wants or needs, and they don't really have an exclusive claim to the resources, you need to come up with a way to make the best for the most. Everybody's in the same position here. Well, unless this or that kid was not around to pick up his cake the last time and somebody else took it. Then you should probably give him two.'




WAR!

Pisa Jan 28, 1078--We have war on our hands! The lowlife scum of Genoa have learned of our troubles and decided to abuse the situation. Their ambassador delivered the note today.

 
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Yowza! Time to wear the chainmail again, I think... at least the need for national defense is going to shut up the press. Too bad Guantanamo hasn't been discovered yet, hm?
 
He couldn't have chosen any better timing. The army's demoralised, the big fat burgher lardasses hate my guts like I'm plagued, and I'm legally prohibited and in any case economically blocked from hiring a single most useless mercenary troop.



Wonder what's in the newspaper.




The End of Gumba?

Pisa Feb 21, 1078--Unpaid members of our armed forces have been demonstrating since (...). Army morale hits a record low (...). Our informers claim the direct, formal Casus Belli concerns the trade post at Arborea, which is wanted by Genua, and which is currently in the hands of the Gumba syndicate. Perhaps we should hand it over to them? Along with the Gumbas? (...)




Forget I asked.

So, to sum up: treasury's empty, army's despairing, I have 1121 men total and mercs won't talk to me, big business hates my guts almost as much as the press does, and only the left of all people are warming up to me. There's only one thing I can do:




GO GET THE SONS OF BITCHES!
 
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Contrary to what you may have thought, Dear Diary, after ferrying the provincial levies to the capital the ships are only there for contigency. And they can probably serve as a smokescreen too for some time. Whereas our navies are basecamping in the Ligurian, we're taking a brief overland jog through Matilda's backyard. This little running exercise will serve as boot camp for the new boys and recap for the old bones.

I get some news as we run. There is no time to waste, so the messenger literally has to jog beside me while I break the seal and remove the letters.




It says:

They're a bit much (855 in all) but we've got their tails. See you later, Boss. Luv ya – A. & B.

Oh yeah, I've seen that somewhere. But wasn't Bashar supposed to be in Pisa? Anyway. Jokes are over:

 
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I have an idea. Let's buy a newspaper.



Gumba at the gates!

Genoa, May 10, 1078--Breaking news! Pisa's top ambulance chaser cum superspy cum arms trader cum political hardliner and his rag-tag band of vagabonds are now soiling our beautiful beaches with their insolent presence. When our Serene Doge Oberto returns (...)



Yeah, 'when'. What's in the next one?



We are besieged!

Genoa, May 10, 1078--Breaking news! Pisa's 'Admiral' Gumba, who has scarcely commanded anything more than a blockade runner to the Fatimid shore that moves on water, is now sieging our beautiful capital after making — how fittingly — a smartass land march through HRE territory. All the while his 'navy' was sitting on anchor in Pisa Bay. Apparently, this 'Admiral' can't trust his own ships (...)



Boy, the Fatimid shore! I bet you've never been there. Unless your dad sent you there with a barge full of arms for the 'legitimate authorities' in Egypt... Who cares. I think I know what's in the other papers. I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. Imma light'em all up and cook myself some koffeh now that I'm stuck in a boring siege camp and can't 'risk my life too much' going on a trip. Some things never change: there's always paperwork to do even in a blasted siege camp.

Actually, screw this.

'Arr me hearties! You got them logs?'
'Aye sir! Halfa forest o'em sir!'
'A'ight son. We gotta put us up some trebs.'





[Source: Wiki]


There.






'Boss, you want some towers with that? A ram perhaps?'
'No, just the trebs will be fine.'

***

'What is it, Father Eadgar?'
'Umm... Sir, I know the time is not opportune...'
'All right, padre, what's the deal?'
'I meant to tell you...'





'WHAT?!'
'...'
'...'
'...'
'On second thought, yeah, the opportunity won't present itself any time soon again. And we aren't barbarians. All right. I authorize the expense.'







Meanwhile, despite his not being here, we've grown closer with Baron Gerardo, the poor leprous marshal who continues to train our troops while there's life in him, because none of the available patricians are up to the task.







Days later some strings are pulled and:







My hand is forced. Besides, I'm the borrower not the lender. And 25% over 5 years may be steep but it's not arm twisting yet.


Oh baby. Bring'em on.








(22 MIL and no poor bloody light infantry means they're gonna be a much, much tougher nut to crack for any sort of relief force Genoa might possibly be able to afford than their sheer numbers suggest. Especially over a bloody river.)

Oh and another newspaper:





Diplomatic insult!

Genoa, June 22, 1078--In response to our complaint versus aiding and abetting our enemy in a time of war by allowing him the use of their territory the HRE, represented here by Duchess Matilda of Tuscany, has said that: 'He's technically a Holy Roman knight, you know, and some of them sport rather large retinues when they go hunting in the countryside or something, you know. Some 1000 squires may be expensive to equip, sure, but aren't you guys in republics supposed to be cash rich like that?' We will complain to uh... We will complain to someone else!
 
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Fresh Coverage Right from the Trenches!

Pisa, June 30, 1078--Breaking news! Here is a story we have received right from the front lines, which we are printing instead of an editorial because it is, well, quite funny, we thought. It was penned down by a member of the Lombard band, and we frankly find it hilarious. So, without further ado, here it goes:

So here the Pisan envoy comes and our Boss starts at him, 'Son, the Band's not a charity. As much as I'm itching to go myself, I have to feed my men. You know the rules.'
'But...' a junior attendant tries to speak out of turn.
'—No buts,' our boss interrupts before the boy's hushed up by one of his own. 'If it ain't coin, I ain't takin' it. No matter what Gumba says, as much as it pains me to note this. I know he's dead broke. Everybody knows that.'
'He says you can have 75 up front and a tenth of that every month beginning from the next one—'
'Wait, that can't be. I'm sensing a ruse. You can't be from Gumba. He was almost 70 in the red three years ago. You don't make a hundred and a half over night like that. Boys, get'em locked up. I think they're filthy Genovese spies!' And so we jump to seize them but the boy screams again:
'He also said, uhm, begging your pardon sir, and I quote: "Tell him I can throw in a pardon or two or an expungement of one of his many records or a pro bono representation, if he's currently in need of any, like the last time I habeascorpus'd his sorry hide out of a Byzzie jail."'
'Yup, sounds like Gumba. Sigh. All right, let's go.'
'...'
'One more thing. You're a mouthpiece yourself, boy, aren't ya?'
'Pisa JAG corps sir.'
'I'll have an occupation for you on the ship. You see, I signed up for night classes at Bologna law school. I could afford it, you know. After the last episode, I figured it wouldn't hurt. I had to switch to external curriculum, you know, job requirements and all. And I ...uhm... have a resit this fall and I need someone to revise with me. Just don't tell everybody about it.'


And another one from the camp, one of our boys writing home to his mo':

We're standing our watch, me, Sarge and the other ten guys, and then suddenly there's a huge noise at the beach. Over twenty score men jumping out of flat-bottomed boats and lining up. They form exaggeratedly perfect drill platoons and start parading in the hearing of Genovese positions, singing "Waltzing Matilda" on full volume in unison while lifting their shanks in parallel to the ground and porting their halberds. Those men are crazy, mom.

And then they get close to our position and start singing something else, so Vincenzo gets the Sarge and the Sarge listens intently and folds down in half, holding his gut laughing and joings along with them and it goes like:

Admiral Gumba's a pettifogger
But he's also one dandy grogger
He soaks up the booze so fast
No barrel's got a chance to last
'Long as the Old Man's any near
And he will be, he will be — oh dear!

And this time they scream on the top of their lungs. I ask: 'Sarge, uhm, isn't that treason or something?' There is some movement behind us like a couple of men coming but it's from our camp's direction, so we don't pay much attention. And then Sarge replies: 'Oh no son. I'd shed my last drop of blood for the Old Man, but when it comes to a song he can kiss my ass. Besides, he really enjo—'
And then we hear, 'Uhm, really, Sergeant?' and, mom, I'm not kidding, it's the Doge himself!
So Sarge looks around stupidly but trying to make a gallant impression because we're watching and he can't lose his authority and all and doesn't want to look like a coward or dumbass (sorry, mom!) in front of us, so he says, 'Sir, uhm... yes sir! With all due respect sir, uhm, you've heard sir! It's not my fault you were coming up on us, sir. Uhm... and the First Amendment, sir—'
'Right, Sarge, the First Amendment.' He then looks at us and says, 'Well, boys, the First Amendment also applies to how Sarge and I were sitting in that stinking trench opposite the Fatties and he'd eaten something bad, you know, just one falafel too much, or a dozen more like, as you can judge by the size of his gut here, and then he got the worse Sultan's Revenge I ever thought a man could have. We literally had to mount up shields to cover him as he ran to the bushes. First Amendment, Sarge, First Amendment.'
Mom, did Sarge look silly right then. He says, 'Uhm, sir, you're the better lawyer of us two but that was quite low...'
Gumba looks at him inquisitively and starts making hand motions like a choir conductor and then Sarge says, 'That was quite low, SIR!' And Gumba grins.
'Sure it was, Mario,' he says then and punches him in the shoulder like they're old pals and looks at us. He's obviously speaking more to us than to Sarge. 'Payback's a bitch. I'll give you a rematch if you wind up by my fire tonight or morrow. Been a long time, you old geezer. Sorry if I was mean.'




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