Bruce and Barry get Bushwhacked - an Austrian AAR

[TimN]

Sorry for the slow updates folks. As TheBee guessed, RL has been busy so far this week. Should be a bit quieter from now on, so I'll see if I can manage an update or two.

Farquharson Oh ... they'll be back all right.

...

Chapter 4, Part VII
In which life is easier than expected

May 2, 1508. Morning.

Scene: The archducal throneroom. Maximilian is pacing around the room while Bruce and Barry try to keep up.

Maximilian: You two have failed in another of your missions. I am most displeased.

Barry: But it would have been suicide for us to attempt to capture Romagna!

Maximilian: Nonsense! Our troops are much more powerful than the Pope's.

Barry: OK, so not literally suicide. But there would have been huge unrest. Our relations with the Papacy have never been better.

Maximilian: Hmmm ... I suppose it would have seemed like a cynical act to try to steal Romagna from our friends ...

Barry: *nods vigourously* Yes, it would have been very unpopular in Italy. Both in our territories there, and outside of them.

Maximilian: Very well. I will not punish you this time. And I think I will make the new mission that I will set you a more peaceful one. Yes ... Your new mission is to vassalise Saxony.

Bruce: But ... we don't share a border with them!

Maximilian: So?

Bruce: They won't accept vassalisation without a border will they?

Maximilian: *shrugs* I don't know. They might. Not really my problem. They are very friendly towards us at the moment. And if they won't then I guess you will have to go out and capture enough territory to give us a land border, won't you? *He smiles coolly*

Bruce: Errr ... I suppose so. We'll do our best!

Maximilian: Good. Now go away. I have to go and see Bernhard Strigel about a painting.

Barry: Is he still around?

Maximilain: Yes, he's working on a family portrait at the moment. Just me and the grandkids and a couple of groupies.

Strigel's family portrait

...

May 2, 1508. Afternoon.

Scene: The dungeons. Bruce and Barry are meeting with the Saxon ambassador, a blonde man cut from very much the mold as the ambassador from Mainz.

Bruce: I don't suppose you'd like to become our vassals would you?

Saxon Ambassador: We thought you'd never ask! Of course, we would be delighted to become your vassals.

Barry: Err ... You do understand what that means?

Saxon Ambassador: It means there will be Austrian fruit cake for everyone! I do so love Austrian fruit cake!

Bruce: But your king ...

Saxon Ambassador: He loves fruit cake too! But he can't have mine. Its mine. I deserve it!

Bruce: Errr ... OK. I'm sure there will be plenty to go around.

Saxon Ambassador: Goody! We have dreamt of this day for years! Where do I sign?

Bruce: I don't have the paperwork with me, but I will be back with it in an hour or so.

Saxon Ambassador: *bouncing around the room clapping* Oohhh goody! Bring back some fruit cake too, won't you?

Bruce: I'll see what I can do!

Bruce and Barry leave the ambassador's cell and make their way through the dungeons, chatting as they go.

Bruce: Well that went easier than I expected.

Barry: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer that one, I think.

Bruce: True, but I'm not complaining.

Barry: No, me neither. I'm sure Max will be pleased. Lets get out of here.

Bruce: Hang on a sec. There's one more person I want to talk to.

Barry: Do we have to?

Bruce: I think we should.

Barry: Why?

Bruce: Well remember how I didn't think we could vassalise Saxony without a shared border?

Barry: Yeah, so? You were wrong there Brucie. W R ...

Bruce: Yes, thank you Barry. Anyway, I just heard that Wurzburg have reneged on their military alliance with Spain, England and Sweden.

Barry: Ohhh ... So what does that have to do with price of eggs in China?

Bruce: Quite a bit actually, because Wurzburg have a huge number of chickens and ... But thats not the point here. The point is that if we were to annex Wurzburg, then we'd have a border with Saxony, and then we could annex them too ... *begins to laugh*

Barry: You're freaking me out Bruce.

Bruce: Errr, yeah, sorry Barry ... Here we are.

Bruce opens the door and our two heroes enter the cell. The Wurzburg ambassador quickly hides something under the pile of rags that he is using as a bed.

Bruce: *quietly* What do you reckon that was?

Barry: *shrugs* I don't know, but do you want to look for it in that rat's nest?

Bruce: *shudders slightly* No, its fine. *To the ambassador* Greetings Mr Ambassador. How are you today?

Wurzburg Ambasssador: Much better than the ambassdor to Spain, from what I hear.

Barry: *looking puzzled* But we are getting on fine with the Spanish. I played chess against the ambassador from Spain just last week.

Bruce: *shakes his head* He means the ambassador to Spain. The one Wurzburg sent with the message about how they were leaving the alliance with Spain.

Barry: Ohhh ... What happened to him?

Bruce makes a quick gesture, sliding a finger across his throat.

Barry: Ohhh ...

The ambassador looks miserable.

Bruce: Anyway, we have come to offer you a deal.

Wurzburg Ambasssador: *looking suspicious* What kind of a deal?

Bruce: We want to offer you a military alliance.

Wurzburg Ambasssador: Hmmm ... No, I think we will be fine. We're quite enjoying the freedom actually.

Bruce: Your nation has just upset three of Europe's biggest powers you know, so I think you might want to sign up for a little bit of protection.

Wurzburg Ambasssador: Have you seen a map lately? Spain, England and Sweden can't get to us! So this to them! *makes a rude gesture with both hands* We're safe.

Bruce: Unless we signed a deal with Spain of course ...

Barry: Why would we ...

Bruce: *cutting in* They could use military access to Austria to march from the Italian coast straight to Wurzburg.

Wurzburg Ambasssador: You wouldn't! ... Would you? *looking less confident*

Bruce: We'll see. As Barry said, we have been getting on well with the Spanish lately.

Wurzburg Ambasssador: *looking miserable* Fine! We'll be happy to become a part of your alliance.

 

[unmerged(15337)]

Ah, I see Bruce and Barry are starting to play hardball. And that was funny about Saxony -- sometimes you get all worried about how to pressure the other country into diplovassalization, and they just happily go along with it without any trouble. Nice work! I hope your next few days allow for more posting.

 

[Farquharson]

Great stuff! This dungeon diplomacy is a wheeze! BTW was that a genuine portrait of Maximilian? He looks even uglier than Louis XI of France, if that's possible...

 

[TimN]

jwolf Like Bruce, I didn't think it would be possible to get a diplomatic vassalisation without sharing a land border. Happily I was wrong. And the Saxons really did love us. If I'd known I didn't need a border, I would have vassalised them sooner!

Farquharson Yep, its a genuine portrait. http://www.khm.at/system2E.html?/staticE/page247.html has details of the picture in our history. I kept the painter the same, but Max didn't marry Marie of Burgundy in Bruce and Barry's universe, so she got relegated to being a groupie.

 

[TimN]

Chapter 4, Part VIII
In which Bruce and Barry act independently

June, 1508

Scene: The library. Bruce and Barry are working, each on their own stack of paperworks when Maximilian enters.

Maximilian: Congratulations you two!

Barry: Thank you my lord! We were very proud to have finally ... Err , what is it we did again?

Bruce: The level of skill in the navy has improved, but I didn't realise that they had reported that directly to you?

Maximilian: Thats good news about the navy. But not why I am here. You completed your mission and vassalised Saxony!

Barry: Oh .. Yeah, so we did.

Maximilian: Well done! So, your new mission will be to conquer Liguria.

Bruce: We usually get 5 years to finish a mission ...

Maximilian: You are high achievers, and I hate to see your talents going to waste. Go conquer Liguria for me.

Bruce: But that would mean taking on the French!

Maximilian: Yes. So? You two seem to have some sort of religious leaning that prevents you from coordinating an attack against the power of the Pope, so lets see if you have the same qualms about the French.

Barry: I thought you believed in the power of the Pope as much as the next king?

Maximilian: More so, no doubt. But thats the spiritual power of the Pope, not his temporal power.

Barry scratches his head.

Bruce: What Maximilian means is that just because the Pope has a direct line to God, doesn't mean that he deserves to run the world. Thats a king's job ... or an emperor's.

Maximilian: More or less, I suppose, yes. The Pope provides spiritual guidance only. God appoints emperors to protect the people from earthly threats.

Barry: I thought the Electors selected the Emperor.

Maximilian: That is the mechanism through which God works, yes. Anyway, the Imperial system is not the issue here. Your new mission is to conquer Liguria for me.

Bruce: But thats in the mountains, and its a major centre of trade. The French will fight us tooth and nail.

Maximilian: I expect they will, yes. Good luck.

...


January 6, 1510

A grand reception hall in the palace, decorated with a number of evergreen branches. Maximilian is standing, and accompanied by an attractive blonde woman at least 20 years younger than him. An older man in clerical robes standing beside him is making an announcement. Bruce and Barry are hidden amongst a crowd of revellers, all dressed in the finest and warmest clothes.

Archbishop of Vienna: And so, on this, the day of Epiphany, I bless the Christmas Court of our beloved Emperor Maximilian, and pray that his marriage may be a fruitful one.

Barry: *quietly* Well if its not, we'll know its not Max that has a problem.

Bruce: True. Although he'll probably lose interest in Anna there soon enough anyway.

Barry: I'm surprised he hasn't already. They've been married 10 months now.

Bruce: Maybe he's getting old!

Barry: Do you think ... You know ... She is from Wurzburg after all!

Bruce: Do I think she's a granddaughter of Friedrich's twins, you mean?

Barry: Well she could be.

Bruce: I suppose its possible ... You can see why its best we don't get too involved with the women here. In a hundred years or so, we'd never know who we were related to.

Barry: I thought it would be because its depressing watching someone you know and love getting old and dying while we don't?

Bruce: *shrugs* I guess that too. Anyway, I don't think Anna is family. The Habsburgs breed true with that big chin of theirs, and she looks quite cute.

The pair fall silent. The archbishop has completed his blessing. Maximilian commences a speech of his own.

Maximilian: My people. Today I wish to announce to you an expansion in our family.

Scattered people in the crowd begin cheering for Maximilian and Anna. Anna blushes and Maximilian waves them into silence.

Maximilian: Our Austrian family I mean. Today, I can announce to you that the people of Mainz have a greed to become a prt of our nation.

All eyes turn to a small delegation, who smile and raise their goblets towards Maximilian.

Barry: Did you know about this?

Bruce: Know about it? Take a look at the delegation there. Whose coat do you reckon the former ambassador there is wearing?

Barry: Actually, it looks like mine.

Bruce: *looking closer* Oh ... Well I meant it to be mine.

Maximilian: I have further good news! I will be instituting a Fine Arts Academy right here in Vienna. The building works will commence as soon as the spring thaw comes, but in the meantime, I would like you all to consider nominations for the members of the faculty. Please make your ideas know to my adviser, Duke Edvin.

All eyes now turn towards Bruce.

Maximilian: Err, I mean to Duke Dieter.

The focus shifts to Barry.

Bruce: You didn't tell me about this ...

Barry: *acknowledges the looks from the crowd while speaking under his breath* You were too busy with the ambassador from Mainz. Besides, all I did was help Max save the money.

Bruce: We didn't take a loan from the Fuggers for this did we?

Barry: Of course not! Do I look like an idiot? We saved up.

Maximilian: And now my friends, enjoy the feast!

OOC: Mainz: Pop 29,071, Income 17, Trade 1, Wool

 

[TimN]

Chapter 4, Part IX
In which the emperor's new wife gets her way

July 17, 1512

Scene: A particularly dank and dirty dungeon. Bruce and Barry are visiting the ambassador from Wurtemburg. The narrator dashes past, pursuing a bat down the corridor, before returning, panting slightly, to give a quick monologue.

Narrator: The two years following the annexation of Mainz were peaceful ones for Austria. Although the annexation had not been forced on Mainz, the further expansion of Austria had caused some disquiet amongst her neighbours. Bruce and Barry spent some time allaying these fears, and assuring neighbouring nations that Austria was committed to the cause of peace. To add to their arguments, they pointed to the fact that Austria had been involved in no wars since Maximilian had ascended to the throne.

Meanwhile, it was exactly this argument that Maximilian used to convince Bruce and Barry that a war was necessary. At the request of his new Wurzburgian wife, the small German nation of Wurtemburg became the target of Austrian martial ambitions. The main cause for dispute between the two nations was whether Wurtemburg should be spelt Wurtemburg or Wurttemburg. Austria's on-going refusal to add an umlaut further aggravated the small nation.

The narrator wanders off down the corridor.

Wurtemburg Ambassador: Surely we can settle this dispute peacefully?

Bruce: To be honest, I wish that we could, but we don't have the technology in the printing presses to put an umlaut over the U.

Wurtemburg Ambassador: Its just two little dots! How hard could it be?!

Bruce: I'm sorry, thats just what I have been told. Honestly, it seems like the Emperor has his heart set on a war. Despite his protestations about preferring diplomacy to warfare, I think he feels unfulfilled without having had a few military victories.

Wurtemburg Ambassador: Why does he not direct his energies against France? Or Helvetia?

Bruce: He is quite infatuated with his young wife. She's from Wurzburg, you know ...

Wurtemburg Ambassador: Ahhh ... I see. *shrugs* No doubt any Wurzburger would love to see the Austrian army crush Wurtemburg once and for all. I must warn you that it will not be as one-sided as you may suspect. Our infantry are now armed with Arquebuses, and we will not be afraid to use them.

Bruce: We have also perfected the use of the arqebus, so we will not be disadvantaged in that regard.

Wurtemburg Ambassador: *looks crestfallen* Oh.

Bruce: We also have ... *pauses for effect* General von Frundsberg!

Wurtemburg Ambassador: *looks puzzled* Who is he?

Bruce: He is only the finest military mind of ... well, maybe not the century ... he's the best we've got though.

Wurtemburg Ambassador: Oh. I'll be sure to have the sharpshooters keep an eye out for him then.

Bruce: Err ... Fine!

The narrator returns to the door, apparently from the opposite direction to the one he exited in.

Narrator: And so the War of the Wurzburgian Wife began. Austria's armies entered Wurtemburg and laid siege to the city of Stuttgart. Meanwhile, the Wurtemburg army entered Austria's newly acquired province of Mainz and commenced a siege there. Concious of the threat that the Wurtemburg ambassador had made against General von Frundsberg, Bruce chose to hold him in reserve in Mantua, while Lt. General Ferdinand led the Austrian troops in the siege of Stuttgart.

...

July 1, 1513:

Scene: The war room. Bruce is studying a very small map, containing only the province of Wurttemburg. He is carefully placing two small dots over the letter u in the province label. Barry is rifling through old tax receipts. Maximilian strides into the room.

Maximilian: There you are! Now, you two have failed in your mission to conquer Liguria ...

Barry: Yes, but you insisted that we invade Wurtemburg!

Maximilian holds up his hand to cut Barry off.

Maximilian: Indeed I did. And for that reason you will not be punished for failing in your mission. We'll just carry the mission over. You can have another five years to capture Liguria. However, perhaps you can explain to me why the invasion of Wurtemburg is proceeding so slowly?

Barry: Well we didn't have an excuse to start the war ...

Maximilian: There was the issue of the spelling of their name ...

Barry: If I may speak freely, my lord ... That was always a flimsy excuse at best. Many people saw through it. Many others started protesting once the unrest started. And then the plague struck Vienna and Salzburg and things went from bad to worse.

Maximilian: None of this should be affecting the army, surely?

Bruce: Well, some of the troops have been deployed fighting rebels, but that hasn't affected the army in Wurtemburg, thats true.

Maximilian: So ...

Bruce: Lieutenant General Ferdinand's death decresased the troops' morale, of course, but the main problem seems to have been mis-communications. Several times now, the army has raised the siege and begun marching back to Austria. Each time we have been able to send them back to Stuttgart before they left the province of Wurttemburg, but of course the citizens of Suttgart have restocked by the time they return.

Maximilian: Well sort things out and get on with it!

Bruce: We'll do out best.

Barry: There is one more thing ... There is a man in Florence who has just finished a book that I really think you should read. His name is Machiavelli, and we'll give you a copy of the book as soon as we can get hold of it.

Maximilian: How do you know I should read this book if you have not read it yourselves?

Barry: Well, err ... I read it in school.

Maximilian: I thought you said this Italian had only just written it?

Barry: Yes, but I read it before ... Just believe me that you should read it!

Maximilian: Very well. Get me a copy of it. Or even better, prepare me an executive summary of what this Italian man has to say, and I'll read it later.

Maximilian bustles out. A panel in the wall slides open and the narrator sticks his head out.

Barry: Hey! I didn't know there was a spy hole there.

Narrator: Don't worry, no one else can find it.

Barry: *grumbles* They better not.

Narrator: *produces some notes* Sorry, hard to see them in here. Ah yes ... The Austrian armies resumed their siege of Stuttgart, and the city fell on January 26, 1514 ...

Barry: Woohoo! Australia Day!

Bruce: *glumly* Except Australia hasn't been discovered yet, let alone settled.

Barry: Don't worry Bruce. Its on my to-do list.

Narrator: As I was saying ... After Stuttgart fell, the Austrians vassalised Wurtemburg, and peace was restored.

The narrator scans through his notes, turning the papers over in his hands.

Narrator: Hmmm ... I wonder.

Bruce: What?

Narrator: Well, I remember reading that Wurtemburg sent their army to Mainz.

Bruce: Yes, they did. So?

Narrator: Well in the time you took to capture Stuttgart, surely the Wurtemburg army would have captured Mainz. But there's no mention of it here.

Bruce: Err ... *looks at his paperwork* I'm pretty sure we defeated that army. But I can't see it in my notes either. Anyway, we vassalised them, and thats what counts.

 

[Farquharson]

Great update! But I must say I thought Würzburg had an umlaut too... Come to think of it, doesn't Aüstralia have one as well?

 

[Lord Durham]

Good stuff. Pretty funny. I'm sort of partial to Bruce, myself. Congrats on the Weekly Showcase.

 

[TimN]

I'm not worthy!

Würzburg should have an umlaut too, but given the "special relationship" that currenly exists between the Emperor and Würzburg, they are going to let it slide. I'm not going to deign to give a reply about Australia though. Where I come from, then's fighting words!

 

[TimN]

Chapter 4, Part X
In which the emperor has cunning plans

February, 1516

Scene: Bruce and Barry are at work in the library. Barry has a small fire burning, and is feeding a number of documents into it. Bruce is warming his hands by the fire. Neither of them notices the narrator until he appears beside them, also warming his hands by the fire.

Narrator: For the two years following the end of the War of the Wurzburgian Wife, Austria remained at peace. Barry worked hard to return stability to the economy, while Bruce sent a number of bribes to Wurtemburg. In July of 1515, Bruce's efforts were rewarded with Wurtemburg agreeing to join Austria's military alliance. In early 1516 Maximilian departed Vienna to travel to Madrid, leaving Bruce and Barry to manage the day to day affairs of the Empire.

Barry tries to hide the documents he has from the narrator. The narrator is uninterested in the documents, and once he is finished with his summary, he departs the room.

Barry: Why is that Max went to Madrid again?

Bruce: The Spanish are making Max's grandson into their king.

Barry: Why? Max isn't Spanish is he?

Bruce: Nope.

Barry: And he's not married to a Spaniard is he?

Bruce: Nope. And more importantly, his first wife wasn't Spanish either.

Barry: So how does that work?

Bruce: You remember Max's son, Philip?

Barry: Yep. Nice bloke. Haven't seen him around much lately.

Bruce: No. That would be because he died about ten years ago.

Barry: Oh ... Should we send flowers?

Bruce: I took care of it at the time. Anyway, Phil was married to Princess Eleanora of Portugal, right?

Barry: Yeah, I remember the wedding.

Bruce: Good. Now the Spanish king only had daughters, so when he died last month, they were a bit stuck for a king. Normally, they would choose the husband of the oldest daughter, but they didn't ever find a husband for Princess Juana the Incredibly Sane. To be honest, Juana turns out not to have been all that sane ... its kind of like when they named Greenland.

Barry: So they sent Juana to Greenland?

Bruce: No, it was just an example. The point is that there aren't any sane heirs to the throne ...

Barry: What about Princess Juana? She's incredibly sane, apparently.

Bruce: Have you even been listening to me?! She's out, OK?

Barry: Sorry Bruce. OK. So how does this relate to our Karl?

Bruce: I'm getting to that. So Philip was married to Eleanora, and Eleanora's mother was the oldest sister of the mother of the King of Spain.

Barry: I thought Karl was the King of Spain?

Bruce: The OLD king of Spain. Ferdinand. Anyway, Philip and Eleanora of Portugal had Karl, who is the oldest son of the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter of a guy who had a claim to the Spanish throne, and, since there's a distinct lack of male heirs to the Spanish throne he's got it.

Barry: What about the Portuguese king? Why not make him king of Spain too?

Bruce: The Spanish aren't too keen on having the Portuguese running the country apparently ...

Barry: They'd rather have an Austrian then?

Bruce: Most of 'em would, apparently, yeah.

Barry: So Max just went along for the coronation?

Bruce: Yeah. Well that and to make sure that Karl got his crown. Its not exactly a watertight case for Karl, and the kid's only 16, so grampa Max is going over to make sure no one pulls a swifty on him.

Barry: Fair enough. Maybe we should have gone with him?

Bruce: Nah, Max has it all under control. The only thing he had to compromise on was that the Spanish want to call Karl Carlos. Apart from that its all been smooth sailing. In fact he also persuaded Aragon to merge in to become part of Spain.

Barry: Thats a good deal! He's doing a good job for the Spanish. How come he hasn't done the same for us?

Bruce: We've annexed Modena, Mantua and Mainz since he's been on the scene. Thats a pretty good record!

Barry: Why did he start for the Spanish, though? Did we run out of countries starting with M?

Bruce: *shrugs* I guess. Max still has a few tricks up his sleeve though.

...

September, 1516

Scene: The Imperial throneroom. Maximilian has had it remodelled to make it lighter, but more imposing since last we were here. Bruce and Barry enter hesitantly.

Maximilian: Come in you two. I have a job for you.

Barry: *looking nervous* We still have a while to go on our mission, don't we?

Maximilian: Only a couple of years, but yes, you still have a some time. And its not about your poor government policies either. We won't discuss them today.

Barry: We needed to increase the pace of macroeconomic reform in order to sustain ..

Maximilian: Yes, yes ... I said we wouldn't discuss it today. The important thing today is that I have arranged a marriage between my grandson and Princess Anna of Bohemia and Hungary.

Barry: Isn't Karl a bit busy running Spain at the moment?

Maximilian: Oh, not Karl. His little brother Ferdinand.

Bruce: I see ... Shouldn't we have been involved in this deal?

Maximilian: King Vladislav wanted to speak to me directly. I think I struck a good deal with him.

Bruce: Whats the deal?

Maximilian: When the last male heir of Vladislav dies, the offsping of Ferdinand and Anna will inherit the throne.

Bruce: Vladislav only has the one son doesn't he?

Maximilian: *nods* Exactly! And anything could happen to young Ludwig. Besides, its not like we are marrying off Karl, so its a good risk to take.

Barry: It sounds like a good deal.

Maximilian: So I can count on the two of you to speak to the archbishop and organise a stunning ceremony?

Barry: Of course!

They both bow and leave the presence of the emperor.

Barry: *quietly to Bruce* I have a feeling that this is the way that Austria inherits Hungary.

Bruce: *shrugs* I don't remember. I only remember battles from history class. In any case, we can't take it for granted ... History might change Besides, if it was a foregone conclusion, the narrator dude would pop up and tell us about it.

Barry: Yeah ... I might have remembered wrong I guess.

 

[unmerged(15337)]

I really enjoyed the explanation of the Spanish inheritance. And congratulations on getting showcased! The only thing wrong with this update was -- no conversations in the dungeons with the ambassadors!

 

[TimN]

We're back to the dungeons today. In our history Charles' mother is Juana "the Mad", who was married to Philip, so the claim is a bit easier. In my timeline, though, Philip didn't marry Juana, despite Spanish reassurances that she was really incredibly sane, so Charles' claim needed a bit more justification.

On with the show!

...

Chapter 4, Part XI
In which the Austrians sort out the tourists

January 11, 1517

Scene: A moderately well appointed cell in the dungeons. Bruce and Barry are negotiating with the ambassador held inside.

Bruce: I hear that you have decided to attack Helvetia?

Savoy Ambassador: *nods* We could no longer stand idly by and allow a terrorist state to prosper.

Bruce: And our other allies are going along with this? Wurzburg, Saxony, even Wurtemburg?

The ambassador nods.

Barry: I didn't think there had been any problems with Swiss terrorists for years. Decades even.

Savoy Ambassador: Just because the Swiss have not been attacking you, doesn't mean they have given up their evil ways.

Bruce: Have they been attacking Savoy then?

Savoy Ambassador: Not recently no. But the threat that they could is quite enough of a problem.

Bruce: Anyone could be a threat. Whats to stop us declaring, say ... the French a terrorist threat and invading them too?

Savoy Ambassador: The French have been harrassing out farmers along the border ... But they have virtually surrounded our nation, so we are particularly vulnerable.

Bruce: We wouldn't necessarily support you if you attack France ... But if France were to attack Savoy, we would protect your independence.

Savoy Ambassador: Like you did with Lorraine you mean?

Bruce: Austria has grown significantly in power since that time, and I assure you that if France were to attacke Savoy, we would leap to your defense. But France is not the issue here. Even if we accept the need to fight Helvetia, what about their friends in Denmark? I don't fancy thousands of Danes sweeping through Austria to try and protect the Swiss.

Savoy Ambassador: The Danes are no threat to us. Magdeburg has captured most of their territory over the last 25 years or so. All they have left is a few outposts, mostly on islands in the Baltic, and a colony in Greenland.

Barry: Oh, so they are allied to Spain? I don't think we want to fight the Spanish.

Savoy Ambassador: I don't think Spain and Denmark have ever been allies. Why would you think that?

Barry: Oh my mistake ... I just thouught that since Princess Juana the Incredibly Sane had moved to Greenland, that would mean that Spain was on good terms with Denmark.

Bruce: *glares at Barry* I explained that! My friend here is ... confused. Anyway, the Danish fleet is still capable of launching an attack, and I notice that Austria is the only country involved in this war vulnerable to a seaborne landing.

Savoy Ambassador: True. But its hardly likely that the Danes will sail all the way round Spain just to launch an attack on Austria now, is it?

Barry: They would if they had an alliance with them ...

Bruce: Barry! There is no alliance, OK? *sighs* Very well, we will support your war against the Swiss terrorists.

Bruce and Barry exit the cell, to fine the narrator waiting for them in the corridor.

Narrator: With some reluctance, then, Austria joined Savoy's Coalition Against Terror (SCAT), and declared war on Helvetia. Under the terms of the Coalition's Command and Armaments Treaty (SCAT-CAT), Austrian armies were assembled in Schwyz, and General von Frundsberg was summoned from Italy to take command of the army. In April, the Regional Acceptance of the Terms of the Coalition Against Terror Treaty (RATCATT) was signed with Denmark to remove them from the war.

Barry: Oh, I remember Rat-Cat. *sings* Don't go now ... Don't go now ...

The Narrator coughs politely.

Barry: Oh, right. Sorry.

Narrator: The war proceeded smoothly, and in July, Bruce oversaw the invasion of the Helvetian province of Bern. The Swiss army stationed there was overwhelmed by the Austrian forces, and an assault was launched against the walls of the city of Bern.

...

August 14, 1517

Scene: Bruce is standing on a low rise, overlooking the city of Bern. THe walls of the city have been breached in several places, and Austrian troops are celebrating in the open areas between Bruce and the city. A supply train made up of a number of oxen-drawn wagons approaches from the east, bringing supplies that add to the joyful mood of the Austrians. Barry jumps off the back of the first of the carts and joins Bruce on the hilltop.

Bruce: What are you doing here?

Barry: I got bored in Vienna, so I thought I come and see how the siege was going.

Bruce: Its all over. We captured Bern this morning.

Barry: That was quick!

Bruce: Yeah, it all went smoothly. The assault on the city was perfect. Poor old von Frundsberg has gotten a bit bored in Italy, so he's had his men practicing sieges day in and day out. Still, I was expecting more resistance. I'm just waiting to hear if the Swiss are going to accept vassalisation.

Barry: Vassalising? Wouldn't we be better off just annexing Helvetia outright? We're never going to find a way to annex them diplomatically - they just hate us too much for that.

Bruce: Why would we want to annex them anyway? Its handy having Swiss terrorists around in some form or another, so that we can blame all our problems on them.

Barry: Won't Savoy decide to start another war against them then?

Bruce: Yeah, I am a bit worried about that, but we'll see.

Barry: Well, we could annex them, and still blame the terrorists for everything. In fact, it'd be even better then, because then the terrorists would be an "internal problem" so we could deal with them however we wanted.

Bruce: Yes, and cop the blame for not dealing with them properly. No thanks.

Swiss guards form an escort for their representative.

A small procession emerges from the city gates. Austrian cavalry escort a small force of Swiss infantry, who in turn are escorting an old man with a huge nose and a short grey beard. The group approaches Bruce and Barry, and the old man kneels in front of Bruce.

Swiss Representative: *with a strong French accent* On behalf of ze Swiss Confederacy, I 'ave come to offer our unconditional surrender to you, as a representative of ze Emperor. No doubt Austria will annex our nation now?

Bruce: That will not be necessary. You may continue to function as an independent nation ... with certain provisos, of course. You will accept the Emperor as your overlord, and not make any foreign policy decisions without consulting him.

Swiss Representative: Zat is most generous! But what about the accusations you levelled against us of 'arbouring tourists?

Bruce: Tourists?

Swiss Representative: Yes, ze tourists that were the cause of zis war against us. We 'ave failed to control zem.

Bruce: *scratches his head* Well the Alps are very beautiful, so its natural that people would want to visit ...

Swiss Representative: *looking puzzled* You will 'elp us against ze tourists zen? Helvetia is, and always 'as been, hopposed to ze principles of tourism.

Bruce: Err ... I think that might be a bit hasty ...

Barry: *leans in close to Bruce* I think he means terrorists.

Bruce: Ohhh! ... Austria will make resources available to aid you in the reconstruction of your nation, and to help you root out the bane of terrorism.

Swiss Representative: Terrorism?! 'Ow can you believe zat we 'ave terrorists 'ere?! Zere would be no room, wiz all ze tourists traipsing about ze place! A man never gets a moment to zink, let alone plan a terrorist strike zese days.

Bruce and Barry both look stunned.

Bruce: Errr ... We'll sort out the terrorists and the tourists.

 

[unmerged(21085)]

Errr, few technical errors,

Helevtian Republic did not formed until in 1798, when Napoleon rammed the Republicism down their throat. It fell apart in 1803.

It called Swiss Confederation.

But anyway, I enjoying it. Keep going.

 

[TimN]

Thanks Sapphire. It didn't make any difference to the story, so I changed the reference to the Helvetian Republic to refer to the Swiss Confederacy. My characters still refer to it as Helvetia though, because thats what its called in EU2, and I have it in too many places to change.

 

[Montemurro]

Just finished reading this. Very funny AAR, especially the Narrator is a cool character.

 

[unmerged(11018)]

Nice one with the confusion about terrorists en tourists... must be hard for those poor Swiss!

 

[Farquharson]

Great stuff - now we know who is harbouring all these tourists! :rofl: And they are posing a threat to all free peoples throughout Europe - it's time Bruce and Barry took urgent and drastic measures!

 

[TimN]

Hi folks. Sorry for the long break in updates. Hopefully you are all coping with my current slow output rate.

Bruce and Barry will be continuing to take a very dim view of any kind of tourist activity, especially if the narrator starts leading eco-tourists into the logging areas in Austria.

...
Chapter 4, Part XII
In which Karl's honeymoon is cut short

August 1518

Scene: The archducal throneroom. Maximilian is seated on the throne, dressed in black and looking much older than when we last saw him. He still exudes a certain amount of energy, and fixes Bruce and Barry with a stare as they enter the room.

Maximilian, painted just before his meeting with the boys.

Maximilian: There you are! Come on in. I have matters of state to discuss with you.

Barry: Err ... We had heard that you were still in mourning, my lord.

Maximilian: I still miss my wife, yes. Childbirth is such a risky business, and losing both my wife and my new son at once was hard. But that is not excuse to neglect the government of the country.

Barry: Of course ... That is, I never meant to imply that you were neglecting your duties.

Maximilian: Good. In any case, other parts of the community have not been as respectful as you two. I have had a lot of merchants complaining to me over the last few months.

Barry: *shrugs* We haven't changed our policies recently. I have noticed the same unhappiness among the merchants, but I have no idea what has provoked it.

Maximilian: Perhaps they are unhappy that they cannot trade in the markets of Liguria, which you have once again failed to capture.

Barry: Errr ... There is no embargo in Liguria. The merchants are free to trade there.

Maximilian: Well, even if the merchants are happy, I am not. I set you that mission, and you have failed yet again.

Bruce: But we have fought wars against Wurtemburg and Helvetia in that time. We haven't been sitting on our hands, but we have had other priorities forced onto us.

Maximilian: Are you criticising my wife's desire ... I mean my desire to fight Wurtemburg?

Bruce: Not at all ... It was the right thing to do, and they are our loyal vassals and allies now, so it was a good result. But we can't fight everyone at once.

Maximilian: *sighs* I suppose not. Still, I have a new mission for you that I think you will find simpler.

Bruce: How can we help?

Maximilian: Since he has been in Spain, young Karl has taken a fancy to a pretty young Spanish girl.

Barry: Thats good! I am sure that you, of all people, won't object to him having a fling?

Maximilian: Not a fling. I need you to arrange a marriage for Karl.

Bruce: Of course. We would be delighted to sort things out. Do you foresee any problems?

Maximilian: Caterina, the girl he favours, is a princess. She even has a claim to the Spanish throne, through her mother.

Barry: Or would, if she was male, right?

Maximilian: There are precedents for female kings. Even in Spain. But it would certainly help secure his claim on the throne if Karl married her.

Bruce: OK, we'll do our best to sort out a suitable arrangement. Just one thing - this Princess Caterina hasn't ever been engaged to the English king has she?

Maximilian: *puzzled* No ... Oh, you are thinking of her aunt, also called Caterina. She is married to Henry VIII of England. Is there a problem with her?

Bruce: Let just say that Henry and his Caterina are unlikely to be blessed with a fruitful union.

Maximilian: You know this to be so? What about Karl and his wife?

Bruce: Ummm ... I'm pretty sure that there won't be any problems with the succession for at least the next century or so ...

Maximilian: Good! That is a relief.

...

January 14, 1519

Scene: The dining room. Bruce and Barry are eating with several other nobles in the imperial dining room. The majority of the nobles are young men, under the age of thirty, including the Emperor's younger grandson, the Archduke Ferdinand. The narrator is studying a marzipan badger that has been placed on the table as a centrepiece.

Narrator: Hmmm ... They've given it long hind claws, which, of course are quite inaccurate on the central European subspecies, and its much bigger than one would expect. Not a bad job, otherwise.

The other nobles chatter amongst themselves, but Barry is distracted from the conversation by the narrator.

Barry: *softly* Do you have something to tell us?

Narrator: Nothing you don't already know. You do remember your early-modern Austrian history, don't you?

Barry: Ummm ... Why don't you give me a refresher course?

Narrator: *shrugs* You'll find out soon enough. Anyway ... As it turned out, the Emperor was right, and Bruce had no difficulty in arranging a marriage between Karl and his Spanish sweetheart. For such a momentous occasion, however, there were many arrangements that needed to be made, and so the wedding itself did not take place until the Christmas
Court of King Carlos.

Barry: Its good of this guy Carlos to help Karl out with his wedding.

The narrator rolls his eyes and looks at Bruce for help, but Bruce is deep in conversation with a battle-scarred young noble to his left.

Narrator: Carlos is the name the Spanish give to Karl. The wedding improved relations between Austria and Spain, but also came with more tangible rewards. Such was the wealth pouring into the coffers of the Spanish nobility from their new lands in the Americas, that the wedding gifts presented to the young couple had a total value of 1000 ducats.

Barry whistles softly.

The doors to the dining room are thrown open and muddy messenger charges into the room.

Messenger: My lords! I bring tidings from Spain!

All heads turn to the messenger. Several of the nobles smile.

Archduke Ferdinand: My friend, we are well aware of my brother's wedding, which has no doubt been concluded by now..

Messenger: *kneels before Ferdinand* Yes, my lord archduke. I would not disturb your meal were that the only news.

Archduke Ferdinand: Then what other news do you bring?

Messenger: My lord. The wedding went smoothly, and there was a great feast after the ceremony.

Archduke Ferdinand: Yes, yes. What other news.

Messenger: The following morning your granfather, that is the emperor, was unable to be roused from his bed. At first it was thought that he had over-indulged at the feast, but it soon became clear that it was more serious. King Carlos's doctors bled him several times, but they thought it likely he would not recover. I am sorry, my lord.

Barry looks around for the narrator to try and confirm this news, but can't spot him.

Archduke Ferdinand: These doctors are quacks. My grandfather will be fine.

Bruce: *placing a hand on Ferdinand's shoulder* The Spanish court doctor's are the best in the world. We should assume they know their job.

Archduke Ferdinand: *pulling himself together* I suppose you are right, Dieter. Even if it is nothing, we should be prepared for all outcomes. In either case, it makes little difference. You and I and Edvin have been administering the country in the name of the emperor, and we will continue to do so. It may be that the name of the emperor will change, but our duty to the people will stay the same.

Bruce: Well said, my lord. But ... err ... Your brother is in Spain and you are here. Do you not wish the throne for yourself?

Archduke Ferdinand: I already have all I could wish for. Karl and I will work something out. *shakes his head* In any case, the emperor will recover from his illness. Let us drink to the health of the Emperor, Maximilian! *raises his goblet for a toast*

All: To Maximilian!

As they drink, the narrator materialises next to Barry.

Narrator: Now do you remember the date?

Barry: Thats it for Max, isn't it? All Karl from here on?

The narrator nods, and follows the messenger out of the room, while the nobles return to their meal, in a somewhat more subdued fashion.

The Austrian empire inherited by Karl V.

 

[Farquharson]

Well, now that you're on such good terms with Spain maybe they'll give you a peek at their maps...?

 

[TreizeV]

Haha the narrator continues to be my favourite Character from all the AARs ive read, he is simply brilliant!

Austria seems so small on the map despite your wars, oh well, im sure king Karl will be pleased when hungary is given to him on a silver platter