Brand New and Playing Brandenburg

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Originally posted by Farquharson
And finally... What - no dialogue?

Here, here

Johann Sigismund : Call my advisor!

The advisor was called

Advisor : What's up your majesty?

Johann : I don't receive many reports from you but you have reported many things to my father. Why?

Advisor : Your majesty, actually there is nothing I can report to you.

Johann : Nothing except these useless paper?

Advisor : I'm sorry to say that your majesty.

Johann : Damn! It is unfair! My ancestors have many funny dialogues and I don't have!

 

[Farquharson]

I like it!
Anyone else got a suggestion? I have some Dutch provinces to give away at the moment actually - anyone interested?

 

[John Poole]

Johann Sigismund: Ok so...we got this great Army and all this Lutheran zeal-but we dont have a reason to go to war with anyone.

German Advisor: I disagree mein Konig! The way those Munsterites are mocking us, waving that poorly defended Center of Trade in our faces I think it would be a national outrage not to return their insult in due course!

Other German Advisor: Well I noticed the Poles and the derisive and insulting way they didn't unite with Lithuania! Clearly they did this in a spirit of contempt for you sire! If they took you seriously they would have bothered to better protect their rich provinces and not left them there for the taking like this. Our honor must be avenged!

Yet Another German Advisor: Well, those insults are minor compared to the audacity of the Netherlands to have their capitol bordering our territory and two rich provinces so close by! Clearly your majesty this might as well be a big sign saying "Brandenburgers are wimps and losers" and we are duty bound to wipe that smug grin off their Dutch faces and burn all their tacky wooden shoes!

There...how I hope I can get Poznan at least

 

[Farquharson]

The way those Munsterites are mocking us, waving that poorly defended Center of Trade in our faces I think it would be a national outrage not to return their insult in due course!

:rofl:

For this you can have better than Poznan (which you already have anyway - right?). I'll award you Flandern, that poorly defended Center of Trade, with the rest of the Münsterites poorly defended provinces thrown in. As you'll see from the next episode, coming soon, Johann Sigismund's successor took the first advisor's advice... I'll vassalize them and wrap them up neat to send to you.

 

[stnylan]

 

[Farquharson]

The Münsterian Insult

Georg Wilhelm (b.1595, Elector 1620 - 1640)

Georg Wilhelm was a cautious ruler, and waited his time, hoping for some excuse to attack one of his neighbours - Austria, France or Münster. He also studied the map of Europe carefully and noticed that his present allies, Sweden and Courland, were not well-placed to help him fight any of these potential enemies. Accordingly, when the alliance neared it’s expiration in 1625, he made sure that he had good relations with England, Scotland and the Netherlands, and was welcomed into their alliance immediately.

The next major event of his reign was in 1626 when France annexed Poland, leaving Brandenburg almost surrounded by France and Austria, somewhat simplifying his foreign policy.

Three years later in 1628 the people of Erz at last abandoned their ties to the Catholic church and became Lutheran. Georg Wilhelm, having got fed up waiting for a credible excuse, saw this as a good omen and declared war on Münster, starting what came to be called, for purely propaganda reasons, “the War of the Münsterian Insult”.

Not only did this piece of blatant German imperialism cause some of his subjects to raise their eyebrows (and later their pitchforks, scythes and anything else that came to hand), it also sparked a severe political crisis in 1629.

Undeterred, Georg Wilhelm pressed on into the territories of Münster, capturing each province on the way. In this his newfound allies helped, though not nearly as actively as Georg Wilhelm had hoped. Finally in 1631, with victory complete, he forced Münster to hand over everything but their ransacked capital. England, presumably disappointed at not receiving much of the spoils, celebrated victory by annexing Scotland, thus becoming leader of the alliance.

Georg Wilhelm then turned his attention to his domestic problems, and how to deal with his discontented citizens. These included a group of nobles who switched their allegiance to England in 1635, and a large number of people who were hit by a plague in 1636.

His extremely capable son Friedrich Wilhelm was also active, keeping the peace in the newly gained Dutch provinces, and overseeing a massive reform of the army in 1640. Later that year Georg Wilhelm died and was succeeded by Friedrich Wilhelm.

Brandenburg in 1640

And finally...

Charles I, King of Scotland and England: Ah - some news of our little war on the continent!

Messenger from Flanders: Yes, Your Majesty, good tidings! The heretic Catholic state of Münster has been vanquished and stripped of almost all their wealth and territory.

Charles I: How spiffing! I trust we were allotted the Centre of Trade in Flandern as our part of the spoils.

Messenger: Er - no, Your Majesty. His Beneficence, Georg Wilhelm sent you this * hands over a small purse of gold *, with his compliments, and says he feels honoured, now that he has annexed all of Münster except Münster, to be our next door neighbour.

Charles I: The blackguard! That’s not cricket! How are we going to expand into the Great English Empire on which the sun never sets at this rate?

Advisor, standing nearby: Sire, might I suggest a little diplomatic expansion. We do have a vassal close at hand who might be amenable to being part of our great Empire.

Charles I: Ah yes, my other kingdom - Scotland. I always forget about them. But would they really want to become English?

Advisor: What possible reason could they have to object, Your Majesty?

Charles I: Quite, quite. After all, I’ve become English myself, haven’t I? * indulgent chuckle * Now then Charles I, King of Scotland, I hereby declare that I’d like to annex your small, mountainous and extremely inferior country into the Great English Empire!

Charles I: Splendid, Charles I, King of England. My subjects shall grovel with delight up there among the peat bogs when they hear this wonderful news.

Charles I: I thought you would be pleased. And now at last I might be able to get rid of this dratted multiple personality disorder.

Charles I: I hope so - I’ve been troubled with that recently myself...


And by the way, just because I thought of a dialogue this time, it doesn't mean you can't post your own ideas too - all contributions welcome!

 

[stnylan]

Normal service is restored

 

[unmerged(21482)]

So, Charles I had double personality?

 

[Farquharson]

Showdown with France

Friedrich Wilhelm I (b.1620, Elector 1640 - 1688)

Friedrich Wilhelm was in Flanders when he came to power. His first move was to take a shortcut back to Germany via Münster. Since Münster were not granting military access, this involved declaring war on the hapless province and annexing it, which was quickly done in 1641.

To try to salvage some of his now tarnished reputation he made Flanders a vassal state. Unfortunately this did not prevent him from arriving back in Berlin to find that the peasants were revolting. The Dutch provinces of Brabant and Zeeland were soon overrun by rebels and defected to Cologne and the Netherlands respectively.

In 1649 Friedrich Wilhelm commissioned the first of two great cathedrals, and the same year France annexed Cologne. Friedrich Wilhelm now decided that the French Empire had grown alarmingly large and the time had come to stand up against it. In 1653 he massed a large army and declared war in July, immediately laying siege to Kleves, Pfalz, Prussia, Württemburg and Baden. The stunned French could only counter-attack in a weak and uncoordinated fashion, while the Germans captured Kleves in December and rampaged on to Köln. In May 1654 Baden fell to the Germans and France quickly made peace, handing over the province of Kleves.

Brandenburg erupted in massive celebrations as they welcomed their fellow-Germans into the realm. Friedrich Wilhelm had proved that the might of France could be beaten. His contribution to the celebrations was a second cathedral, built in 1656.

Two years later, however, he was faced with a major political crisis, and it was seven years before the country was once again in readiness for war. In 1665, with a total monopoly of trade in Lübeck, Brandenburg merchants began competing in Paris. They were immediately banned by France, and Friedrich Wilhelm decided that it was time to teach the French another lesson.

This time the war was long and bitter, with provinces being taken and retaken on both sides, with inconclusive results. Finally as war exhaustion began to deepen in 1669, Brandenburg held Köln, Pfalz and Luxembourg, while France held Würzburg and Mainz. At this point France offered to pay 186 ducats in indemnities, and Friedrich Wilhelm decided to accept. It was something of a disappointment but at least the war had been won, and the people of Brandenburg enthusiastically celebrated a second victory over France.

The next seven years were spent building up the treasury and the army once more, then in 1676 Friedrich Wilhelm joined Spain, England, Austria and the Netherlands in the anti-French League of Augsburg. In November, England declared war on Lenape, which meant that they were at war with Lenape’s ally, France. The following month Austria declared war on Genoa, which also brought them into war with France.

Friedrich Wilhelm joined in a month later, declaring war on France, and bringing his ally Sweden in as well. In February 1677 Köln was besieged, and Württemburg was besieged the following May, shortly before Austria made peace. In November Köln fell and the Germans moved on to Pfalz and Luxembourg. Pfalz was assaulted by the main German army and fell immediately and the army moved on to besiege Paris, while Luxembourg fell the following February. In March 1678 the French captured Silesia, but two months later Württemburg fell to the victorious Germans and France once again made peace, this time handing over the province of Köln. For the third time the French had been beaten, and Friedrich Wilhelm was a national hero.

The remainder of his reign was peaceful, apart from widespread peasant uprisings in 1681 and 1685, which served to keep the army in training. In 1688 Friedrich Wilhelm died after a reign of 48 years, and his son Friedrich III succeeded him.

Brandenburg in 1688

And finally...

The League of Augsburg

Carlos II of Spain: Well, gentlemen , I have...

Charles II of England: Hey - he’s got the same name as me! Excuse me, but we’re not the same person by any chance are we? It’s just that my dad had a problem with the King of Scotland...

Carlos II: * looks at him pityingly * Don’t worry my friend - it usually only lasts twelve months... As I was saying, I have called you all together because it has come to my attention that the snivelling Bourbon Louis XIV (how any nation can be so unimaginative as to have fourteen monarchs with the same name I -

Charles II: Perhaps some of them were the same person...

Carlos II: * long-suffering sigh * AS I WAS SAYING... The snivelling Bourbon has been occupying parts of Europe which could not by any stretch of the imagination be described as rightfully his - I cite Warsaw and Vitebsk as prime examples...

Friedrich Wilhelm of Brandenburg: And Köln - what about Köln?

Carlos II: Er, I think you’ll find that Köln is a poorly defended province on the borders of his kingdom, and as we all know, that constitutes a perfectly legitimate right of ownership...

Friedrich Wilhelm (spluttering with indignation): But - but... it’s GERMAN...

Leopold I of Austria: Ah, yes! That’s another good excuse for anyone to occupy a province they like the look of.

Willem III of the Netherlands: Hear, hear!

Carlos II: OK, that’s it - if you don’t all shut up I won’t tell you about my fiendishly clever plan to stop the snivelling Bourbon in his tracks!

* sudden silence *

Carlos II: That’s better.

* more silence *

Charles II (speaking very quietly): Er - so... what is it?

Carlos II: What? Oh - what’s the plan? Um, well, let me see. I’m sure I had an idea... Oh, yes, that was it - we all declare war on him!

* short pause *

Leopold I: That’s fiendishly clever?

Charles II: It’s simple anyway.

Willem III: Foolproof.

Charles II: What do you think Charles?

Charles II: I’m all in favour.

Carlos II: * looking askance at the English king * Why do I get the distinct feeling this could be a big mistake...

 

[unmerged(10971)]

Good job. Keep working at those French provinces, and could you free Baden from French tyranny and put it under your own tyranny in the next war?

Oh, and has Prussia been around at any time since 1617 (you should have gotten an inheritance event)? If not, I recommend you release them as a vassal (if possible) before 1700...

 

[Farquharson]

Thanks for the advice, Judas Maccabeus. I was thinking of trying for Württemburg and Baden in the next bout.

The news about Prussia is a bit of a complication however. As you'll see from the map, Prussia is also part of France at the moment, and hasn't existed as an independent nation since before 1617. Which means I will have to also try to capture it, and make it a vassal, within the next twelve years. What exactly is the disadvantage of not becoming Prussia, can anyone tell me?

 

[Farquharson]

France gets pasted and Brandenburg disappears

Friedrich III (b.1657, Elector of Brandenburg 1688 - 1701)

Having watched his father defeat the French three times in a row, Friedrich was full of youthful self-confidence that he could do the same, and he watched avidly for an opportunity. In 1689 France annexed Poland, and this seemed like as good an excuse as any, quite apart from the fact that Friedrich’s treasury was looking seriously in need of being emptied.

A huge army was assembled, well out of sight of the unsuspecting French, and in February 1691 Friedrich declared war. By March, German troops were besieging Württemburg, Prussia and Pfalz, and Austria had joined in the fun by declaring war on France as well.

Pfalz was captured in July, and the Germans moved on to Luxembourg, which fell in October after a fierce assault. Württemburg’s turn came next, captured in October, and Friedrich ordered his jubilant armies on into Baden. Meanwhile the main army arrived at the gates of Paris in November and began to besiege the French capital. Early in 1692 Prussia was captured and Warsaw besieged and in May of that year Baden fell, followed soon after by Paris.

The French, whose troops had meanwhile been ineffectually marching around the Brandenburg countryside pillaging, tried various desperate offers to end the war, but Friedrich was unsatisfied. In August, shortly after the Germans had laid siege to Krakow, France accepted Friedrich’s generous offer: Brandenburg received the provinces of Württemburg, Baden and Prussia, and the German troops stopped systematically destroying what remained of France and her armies. This victory far exceeded anything which Friedrich’s father had achieved and the people of Brandenburg welcomed him back to Berlin as a conquering hero.

Meanwhile the German people of Württemburg and Baden were of course extremely grateful for their liberation, and wisely did not make too much fuss about the fact that they now found themsleves ruled by a Lutheran. The people of Prussia were granted vassaldom, but immediately decided that they would really rather be annexed.

For the next seven years Friedrich built up his treasury once more, hoping that the French might be stupid enough to give him another excuse to go to war. Amazingly, in 1699 they did, once more banning Brandenburg’s numerous and aggressive merchants from Paris. Friedrich prepared another vast army, noted with satisfaction that France was already embroiled in a war with Russia, and declared war himself in June 1700.

The course of the war was very similar to that of 1691-92, with the French-occupied provinces of Pfalz, Luxembourg, Wielkopolska and Alsace quickly succumbing to Friedrich’s mighty armies, before Paris was once more sacked in March 1702.

Meanwhile, due to some behind-the-scenes negotiations in Königsberg, it was decided that Brandenburg would no longer be called Brandenburg, but instead would be known as Prussia, and its red and white flag be replaced by a black and white one. New flags were quickly issued to all troops, temporarily baffling their French adversaries.

In May 1702 Lorraine was captured by the newly named Prussian army, and France finally saw reason and handed over their remaining three German provinces, Pfalz, Alsace and Luxembourg, with Catawba thrown in for the English, who seemed to be interested in obscure sparsely inhabited scraps of land in a place called America.

The newly created Kingdom of Prussia in 1702

And finally...

Friedrich III, Elector of the Extremely Large, Happy and Prosperous Realm of Brandenburg: The French grovel on their knees before our mighty armies, the state treasury is full to bursting, the people are ecstatic with me as their ruler...

Advisor: Er... Sire, it is reported that some of the citizens of the realm are not so ecstatic as all that.

Friedrich III: What? How on earth could that be?

Advisor: It seems there is one little problem that niggles at a certain sector pf the population, Your Excellency. Quite a large sector, in fact...

Friedrich III: Well, spit it out, man! What are these people complaining about?

Advisor: Um - it’s the name of our nationality, Sire...

Friedrich III: Brandenburgian, you mean?

Advisor: Or possibly Brandenburgoise.

Friedrich III: Actually - what is our nationality?

Advisor: Brandenburgese?

Friedrich III: Brandenburgish?

Advisor: Brandenburger?

Friedrich III: No, no! Anything but that...

Advisor: That is precisely the problem, Your Excellency - no-one knows exactly what we are.

Friedrich III: What can we do about this? It seems like an insuperable problem.

Advisor: Surely not for one as wise and intelligent as Your Excellency...

Friedrich III: Um - yes, quite. So my wise and intelligent solution is...?

Advisor: We could change from being Brandenburg to being something else Your Excellency!

Friedrich III: What!? Hmmm. Yes perhaps that’s an idea. Like “Pfalz” you mean?

Advisor: In which case we would be...?

Friedrich III: No, not Pfalz...

Advisor: Might I suggest “Prussia”, Your Excellency?

Friedrich: And we could become “Prussians”! Wonderful - I knew I was wise and intelligent really! Henceforth we will be known as the Prussians of Prussia! And what about making me King instead of this ridiculous title “Elector”? Yes - Friedrich I, King of all Prussia! Now - go and make the necessary arrangements for me - whatever they are...

 

[C.V. Mannerheim]

Farquharson

Dont Worry about not becoming Prussia, just manage to capture Prussia, then (yes, i know this is somewhat cheating) type the event command in the console,

just type

Event 3524

then viola, Prussia you shall be.

(Btw, save the game before you do this)

CvM

 

[Farquharson]

Thankyou, CvM, for this hint. But would true and honourable Prussians-to-be do something so underhand?

In any case, as you can see, there was no need for such shady operations - the might of Friedrich's army was quite up to the task, and we have now happily turned into the Kingdom of Prussia in the normal fashion.

My question still stands, however, in a theoretical sense - who would Brandenburg's rulers have been if I had not done anything about becoming Prussia, if not the Hohenzollern Kings of Prussia?

 

[Farquharson]

Friedrich I (b.1657, King of Prussia 1701 - 1713)

Friedrich, now King Friedrich I of Prussia, ruled over 30 of the 34 German provinces of Europe. Only the Austrians were still occupying German provinces which were not part of Prussia, and accordingly Friedrich began to plot how he was going to liberate them.

First he decided to improve his relations with France, and began sending wagonloads of personal gifts to the French king, who was impressed but not impressed enough to enter a royal marriage with Prussia.

It also came to Friedrich’s attention that the the provinces newly liberated from France were somewhat lacking in administrative infrastructure, and it took some years to bring them up to the standard of the rest of the kingdom. Some fortifications were also added to border provinces, lest the French be foolish enough to try to get them back.

Meanwhile, though mutual hatred was the order of the day between Prussia and Austria, no reasonable excuse for war presented itself, and Friedrich contented himself by saving up for the army that would one day crush his southern rival. In 1713 Friedrich died and was succeeded by his son Friedrich Wilhelm I of Prussia.

Europe in 1713 - France seems to have annexed Lithuania...

And finally...

The Prussian Royal Court in 1711

Royal messenger: Sire, I bring good news. Something called colonial dynamism has just happened to us.

Friedrich I, King of Prussia: And what on earth is that?

Messenger: Well Your Majesty, we have people lining up to explore new continents and claim them for the Prussian Crown, also a certain Colonel von Neuenhagen of Württemburg wishes to offer you his services. He claims to be an expert at exploring hitherto unknown regions and quelling native opposition.

Friedrich I: Hmmm. That sounds like good news. We will of course only be interested in discovering new lands where the natives are German.

Messenger: Eh... Yes, of course Your Majesty.

Friedrich I: Where exactly are these new lands?

Messenger: Well - all over the world Your Majesty. Take a look at this ultra-up-to-date world map.

Friedrich I: There seems to be a lot of coastline discovered - but what are these large blank areas filled with doodles?

Messenger: Those are the unknown regions Your Majesty. Colonel von Neuenhagen will be able to penetrate into them and make them part of our kingdom.

Friedrich I: * studies map * Hmmm. Do you really think we will find any Germans there?

Messenger: Oh, yes Your Majesty. I imagine the interior of Africa is simply crawling with German tribes who will be only too glad to join our realm.

Friedrich I: Very well - send this von Neuenhagen chappie off to Africa right away! Soon the world will see the birth of the glorious Prussian Empire...

 

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Wow, you have Spain and Italy too?

 

[Farquharson]

Wow, you have Spain and Italy too?

No, I'm afraid not, ladyfabia. Those grey bits down there are the Kingdom of Aragon. (And the grey bits around Crimea are Crimea ). Other hard to spot details include the fact that Jylland and Ostlandet are actually part of England now, not Denmark.

My main worry, of course, is the size of Austria, which I have to annihilate if I want to conquer the German province of Austria (Vienna, that is). Well, I'll start with the other three German provinces and see how it goes...

 

[unmerged(15337)]

France annexed Lithuania? Talk about encirclement! Yikes! What are you going to do about it? And good luck searching for German tribes in the middle of Africa.

 

[Lord Durham]

I was going to wait a bit before Showcasing this AAR, but Farquharson is advancing it so quickly I figured it would be completed by next week.

Anyway, for a first time effort this AAR is not to be missed!

 

[Farquharson]

France annexed Lithuania? Talk about encirclement! Yikes! What are you going to do about it?

Yes, I'm afraid the French are getting kind of out of hand. My first thought (recall that my only stated goal is to unite all 34 German provinces under one crown) was to ally with France and carve up Austria between us. The danger being that the French will get so powerful they'll turn on me after that

Lord Durham - wow! That was a bit of a shock to see my AAR stuck up there in the Weekly Showcase! Thanks for the vote of confidence And now for the bad news - I'm ashamed to say that I will be away from home for the rest of this week, and I don't think I'll be doing an update before Sunday - oops!