Lord E, you terrible terrible person, how could you suggest such a thing? That's practically fratricide! 
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Chapter V: The Million Man Army I Love So Very Very Much, or What Happens When Austria Leaves France Unchecked and Vice Versa, or the End of the First Great French Kings
1538
Kelly: So you say you're here to help our nation? Why should we trust you?
English man: I have realized the atrocities my nation has committed. They must be stopped! You must trust me, or else you will have no way to win.
Kelly: We have about 400,000 troops. We really don't need your help.
Smith: YEAH!!
English man: Very well, but let me help you anyway.
Kelly: I guess. What do you have to offer us?
English man: As I worked for the King, I know the easiest way to strike at the nation. You must cross the Channel and land troops in their provinces!
Kelly stood motionless.
Kelly: Is that it? Of course we have to land in England!
English man: Yes yes. Well what's your grand idea then?
Kelly: We have a port in Wessex, so we will land two armies there before the war begins. Supply limits the amount of armies we can station there.
English man: Yes, supply. That's what I said. Told you.
Kelly: No you didn't. Anyway, we'll send Brion to hold the channel as we cross more armies into Wessex. Our goal is to get 6 armies on the English mainland.
English man: I would suggest landing about 6 armies.
Kelly: Thank you. Then we will act accordingly from there.
English man: Glad I could help. I shall be staying here with the council until the war is over.
Kelly: Nah. You're going with Smith to the front.
English man: Monkeys
----
October 1539
Smith and the English man, hereby known as English man, are with the fifth army. Each army, as previously mentioned, has about 20,000 infantry, 7,000 cavalry and 30 cannons. Because I like unit sizes of 30. Brion's navy has held off English attacks in the channel while the first two armies crossed, until one fateful day...
Brion: I'm dead!
The tables quickly turned. The two greatest battleships in the English fleet, Maurice the Happy Chimpanzee and Lucille Got Some 'Splainin to Do cornered the 40-ship French fleet, panicking after the death of their leader. Yes, it is possible for two ships to corner something. See if you're in a harbor of some sort where there's only one or two ways out, it can be done. Or, each ship could be stationed at either end of the channel. Anyway, my fleet sucked.
English man: I don't want to die!
Smith: Yeah!
English man: Do you say anything else?
Smith: Yeah!
English man: What, then?
Smith: Okay! What!?
English man: Any reason why?
Smith: I am merely a reflection of the lower socioeconomic classes and their insistence on using improper English to differentiate themselves from those who discriminate against and, throughout history, have enslaved their race.
English man: So how do we get off the ship?
Smith: What?
English man: The ship.
Smith: What?
English man: How are we gonna get out of here?
Smith: What?
English man: Get off...
Smith: WHAT?!
English man: Nevermind. Do something.
Smith: Okay!
Smith grabbed the English man and hovered in the air. He flew back to Normandie and landed in time to watch their 40-ship fleet go up in flames. No, it wasn't the Kraken- it was Lucille. They had to trust Guise, who was in the Third Army, to finish taking England. They had prepared to bring four armies, but only two made it. The victory might be in question... The walkie-talkie began to buzz.
Guise: Guise here.... bzzt... The original two armies moved out and took Cornwall and Kent. My army has taken Anglia. The English are already crying for a 1-province peace deal. Little whiners. ...bzzt... We've taken their sea charts. They only have one colony, Guadeloupe, just north of our station in Martinique. I am requesting a new navy be built to sail to Guadeloupe immediately. Guise out.
----
December 1542
Guise: Guise here. Praise the Lord, we found two more admirals and nine ships in a forgotten harbor. With minimal construction ...bzzt... we were able to gather enough ships to make the leap to Ireland with two armies before Maurice found us. We've taken all the provinces. However, I have a strange thing to report- when we were attacking the Marches with 105 leftover artillery, we found some crazy men running around with kilts and bagpipes. They would only tell me "we''re with Austria, lassie!" Not sure what that means... bzzt... The navy has landed in Martinique, but the English apparently have heavy defenses surrounding Guadeloupe. Once we find an opening we will land there and take it. Then the mighty English red blob will be no more! Over.
Kelly pressed the button on the walkie-talkie.
Kelly: After we annex them, will nationalism be a threat to our holdings? I mean, we have no navy other than the 8 ships in Martinique. We will not be able to bring reinforcements into England for a while. Over.
Guise: Yeah we'll see, you nervous sod. Over and out.
----
May 7, 1544
Those damn English. I finally annexed them and found a 56-ship navy in Winward islands. I had 8 battleships. They had 56. Come on. That took two effing years to take Guadeloupe. Two. 56 ships. Oh well, I got a free navy that way.
----
The World in 1545
François was looking online at the World Monarchs Bulletin Board. He clicked a thread titled "wuldn't it b funni if we all attaked austrya at 1nce?" Worried, he checked the original poster. Poland-Lithuania. No wonder they spelled everything so badly. Just then, the hamster crawled under the doors into the room. He began writing furiously.
"Every nation in Germany, Scandinavia, Eastern Europe, North Africa, North America, Antarctica, the Moon, Dagobah, and Turkey have declared war on Austria. Shall we help them?"
François shook his head. Austria was our friend. Even with -200 relations. The hamster wrote something else.
"We really need to make the doors to this room out of something other than pure gold. I mean, I like it, but twenty-foot high doors made of metal are not easy for me to open. You know what I'm saying? Now I'm going to go get a lil sum sum to eat."
The hamster went over to his food dish. Mmm, pellets.
----
The period between 1545 and 1547 was a peaceful one for France. A full-sized 30-weight army was built on every French border, with every English and Irish province having at least 10,000 infantry to combat rebels. The total size of the army has broken 1,000,000. Being ousted out of our own alliance by Poland, we chilled out of world affairs for a while. Till Frankie died
----
January 1, 1548
Henri: Hello my brothers, I am Henri II, your new king.
Kelly: You ain't my brother, you're white.
The hamster nodded in agreement.
Henri: See you are a Mac, and I am a PC. errrrrr
Kelly: You have to shut down. Ha ha. Buy Macs, even if their newest software is from 1988! I'm going to go eat a banana
----
(Instead of putting a date here, I'm just going to put 'Between 1552 and 1558')
Between 1552 and 1558
Kelly: Spain's joined the Austrian alliance! They must be gearing up for war with us!
Kelly: Spain's left the alliance! To attack Austria!
Kelly: We've built a naval equipment factory! Why? Because we have so much fish!
Kelly: We've joined the Austrian alliance! The rest of the world hates us! Austria does too actually!
Hamster: *noise*
Kelly: We've reached land tech level 11! One more level till we show off our fancy new guns!
Kelly: Henri II has sucky diplomatic skills! And all-around skills!
Kelly: I wonder how long the three of us have been advisors! It is probably about time for us to die!
Kelly and Smith died. Right then.
Hamster: LOL
1538
Kelly: So you say you're here to help our nation? Why should we trust you?
English man: I have realized the atrocities my nation has committed. They must be stopped! You must trust me, or else you will have no way to win.
Kelly: We have about 400,000 troops. We really don't need your help.
Smith: YEAH!!
English man: Very well, but let me help you anyway.
Kelly: I guess. What do you have to offer us?
English man: As I worked for the King, I know the easiest way to strike at the nation. You must cross the Channel and land troops in their provinces!
Kelly stood motionless.
Kelly: Is that it? Of course we have to land in England!
English man: Yes yes. Well what's your grand idea then?
Kelly: We have a port in Wessex, so we will land two armies there before the war begins. Supply limits the amount of armies we can station there.
English man: Yes, supply. That's what I said. Told you.
Kelly: No you didn't. Anyway, we'll send Brion to hold the channel as we cross more armies into Wessex. Our goal is to get 6 armies on the English mainland.
English man: I would suggest landing about 6 armies.
Kelly: Thank you. Then we will act accordingly from there.
English man: Glad I could help. I shall be staying here with the council until the war is over.
Kelly: Nah. You're going with Smith to the front.
English man: Monkeys
----
October 1539
Smith and the English man, hereby known as English man, are with the fifth army. Each army, as previously mentioned, has about 20,000 infantry, 7,000 cavalry and 30 cannons. Because I like unit sizes of 30. Brion's navy has held off English attacks in the channel while the first two armies crossed, until one fateful day...
Brion: I'm dead!
The tables quickly turned. The two greatest battleships in the English fleet, Maurice the Happy Chimpanzee and Lucille Got Some 'Splainin to Do cornered the 40-ship French fleet, panicking after the death of their leader. Yes, it is possible for two ships to corner something. See if you're in a harbor of some sort where there's only one or two ways out, it can be done. Or, each ship could be stationed at either end of the channel. Anyway, my fleet sucked.
English man: I don't want to die!
Smith: Yeah!
English man: Do you say anything else?
Smith: Yeah!
English man: What, then?
Smith: Okay! What!?
English man: Any reason why?
Smith: I am merely a reflection of the lower socioeconomic classes and their insistence on using improper English to differentiate themselves from those who discriminate against and, throughout history, have enslaved their race.
English man: So how do we get off the ship?
Smith: What?
English man: The ship.
Smith: What?
English man: How are we gonna get out of here?
Smith: What?
English man: Get off...
Smith: WHAT?!
English man: Nevermind. Do something.
Smith: Okay!
Smith grabbed the English man and hovered in the air. He flew back to Normandie and landed in time to watch their 40-ship fleet go up in flames. No, it wasn't the Kraken- it was Lucille. They had to trust Guise, who was in the Third Army, to finish taking England. They had prepared to bring four armies, but only two made it. The victory might be in question... The walkie-talkie began to buzz.
Guise: Guise here.... bzzt... The original two armies moved out and took Cornwall and Kent. My army has taken Anglia. The English are already crying for a 1-province peace deal. Little whiners. ...bzzt... We've taken their sea charts. They only have one colony, Guadeloupe, just north of our station in Martinique. I am requesting a new navy be built to sail to Guadeloupe immediately. Guise out.
----
December 1542
Guise: Guise here. Praise the Lord, we found two more admirals and nine ships in a forgotten harbor. With minimal construction ...bzzt... we were able to gather enough ships to make the leap to Ireland with two armies before Maurice found us. We've taken all the provinces. However, I have a strange thing to report- when we were attacking the Marches with 105 leftover artillery, we found some crazy men running around with kilts and bagpipes. They would only tell me "we''re with Austria, lassie!" Not sure what that means... bzzt... The navy has landed in Martinique, but the English apparently have heavy defenses surrounding Guadeloupe. Once we find an opening we will land there and take it. Then the mighty English red blob will be no more! Over.
Kelly pressed the button on the walkie-talkie.
Kelly: After we annex them, will nationalism be a threat to our holdings? I mean, we have no navy other than the 8 ships in Martinique. We will not be able to bring reinforcements into England for a while. Over.
Guise: Yeah we'll see, you nervous sod. Over and out.
----
May 7, 1544
Those damn English. I finally annexed them and found a 56-ship navy in Winward islands. I had 8 battleships. They had 56. Come on. That took two effing years to take Guadeloupe. Two. 56 ships. Oh well, I got a free navy that way.
----
The World in 1545
François was looking online at the World Monarchs Bulletin Board. He clicked a thread titled "wuldn't it b funni if we all attaked austrya at 1nce?" Worried, he checked the original poster. Poland-Lithuania. No wonder they spelled everything so badly. Just then, the hamster crawled under the doors into the room. He began writing furiously.
"Every nation in Germany, Scandinavia, Eastern Europe, North Africa, North America, Antarctica, the Moon, Dagobah, and Turkey have declared war on Austria. Shall we help them?"
François shook his head. Austria was our friend. Even with -200 relations. The hamster wrote something else.
"We really need to make the doors to this room out of something other than pure gold. I mean, I like it, but twenty-foot high doors made of metal are not easy for me to open. You know what I'm saying? Now I'm going to go get a lil sum sum to eat."
The hamster went over to his food dish. Mmm, pellets.
----
The period between 1545 and 1547 was a peaceful one for France. A full-sized 30-weight army was built on every French border, with every English and Irish province having at least 10,000 infantry to combat rebels. The total size of the army has broken 1,000,000. Being ousted out of our own alliance by Poland, we chilled out of world affairs for a while. Till Frankie died
----
January 1, 1548
Henri: Hello my brothers, I am Henri II, your new king.
Kelly: You ain't my brother, you're white.
The hamster nodded in agreement.
Henri: See you are a Mac, and I am a PC. errrrrr
Kelly: You have to shut down. Ha ha. Buy Macs, even if their newest software is from 1988! I'm going to go eat a banana
----
(Instead of putting a date here, I'm just going to put 'Between 1552 and 1558')
Between 1552 and 1558
Kelly: Spain's joined the Austrian alliance! They must be gearing up for war with us!
Kelly: Spain's left the alliance! To attack Austria!
Kelly: We've built a naval equipment factory! Why? Because we have so much fish!
Kelly: We've joined the Austrian alliance! The rest of the world hates us! Austria does too actually!
Hamster: *noise*
Kelly: We've reached land tech level 11! One more level till we show off our fancy new guns!
Kelly: Henri II has sucky diplomatic skills! And all-around skills!
Kelly: I wonder how long the three of us have been advisors! It is probably about time for us to die!
Kelly and Smith died. Right then.
Hamster: LOL
Silly English, they had that large navy just sitting there, doing nothing… Well you are doing well it seems, but I really think it was silly to ally Austria
Why do your maps look good quality while when I play EU it's all blurry? Any way to change resolution?