Blood Ties

[Morpheus506]

January 1, 1492

It was a glorious day for a wedding. The sun rose bright over the city of Strassbourg, chosen for its location generally midway between the countries of France and Austria. It was a grand royal marriage, between two prominent figures of the French and Austrian royal houses, prominent enough that nearly the entirety of each family came out to watch it.

The eyes of the crowd brimmed with tears as the young couple clasped hands in front of the altar and looked longingly into each other's eyes. The priest read his part with a kindly, fatherly smile on his lips, and then the groom, a strapping, vibrant French lad, and bride, the fairest daughter of the Austrian royal house, each read their vows with voices trembling with joy.

A cheer went up from the royal crowd as bride and groom embraced and kissed. The priest jubilantly pronounced them man and wife, and the couple turned to begin their walk out of the cathedral.

And then the meteor hit.

 

[unmerged(15687)]

Blood Ties: A MP AAR

Normal/Normal, Tax normal
EU 1.10, IGC with updated AIs
Morpheus506: Austria
Grahamule: France
Free Ireland, Bretagne, Finland; Aus/Spa Lowlands; Pskov Ingermanland; Moldovian Bujak; Unrests; Balkanization

After resolving all of our multiplayer connection issues, Morpheus and I have started another MP AAR (this one with real updates). The premise is of two central European powers expanding for the glory of the household.

The starting position:

 

[unmerged(15687)]

Prologue: A New Hope

Fortune had not been kind to Owen. As an immigrant in a hostile French nation, few breaks came his way. He had a loving family, and his crops returned enough income to keep the children fed and clothed. He was proud of his heritage, despite the prejudice in his society. Still, he desired something more...

"Owen! Dinner time," Owen's wife yelled from the house.
"I'll be right there!"
Owen began the trek back to his house on the corner of his plot of land. He turned his thoughts to his landlord, who had been invited to attend the royal marriage between the Austrian and French houses. A bad idea it is, he thought, for two rival nations to be so closely connected.

He stepped into the doorway and greeted his children. He sat down, and his wife sat the food on the table. Peas again. Owen groaned. Just then, a neighbor barged in through the doorway.
"Owen, did you hear the news?"
"What's that, Scott?"
"The royal families died! The French and the Austrians! A meteor!"
"What's that, Scott?"
"Not really sure. Fiery though."
"Would you like some peas?"
"Don't mind if I do."
Owen turned the conversation back to the news.
"So tell me, Scott, if the entire royal family died, who is in line to inherit the French throne?"
"Glad you asked. No one knows. The list ended at 137, and that's precisely how many family members were there."
How coincidental, Owen thought.
Scott excitedly continued on. "So, the royal advisors are holding a contest- the four people to find golden wrappers hidden inside candy bars can come and compete for the throne!"
"How dumb ARE these French people," Owen groaned.
"You say something, Owen?"
"Nope, Scott. Have I ever asked you why you have an English name when you're French?"
"No, you haven't."
"Okay."
Noticing he was interrupting their dinner, Scott finished his message.
"So, I was hoping you would go to the city with me tomorrow to look for a golden wrapper!"
"I'd love to. See you at 4:30 tomorrow morning then!"
"GMT?"
"Whenever."
Scott ran out the door, excited.

----

Owen and Scott arrived in Paris at 3:00 in the afternoon. After stretching a bit, they went into the nearest grocery store. Yep.

"Excuse me kind sir, would you point me in the direction of those oh-so-magical candy bars with the French crown surprise inside?" Scott giggled.
The clerk looked around. "Okay, they're in Aisle 4, but only if you never talk to me again."
The pair ran off.

They returned a few minutes later.
The clerk muttered something, then asked them if they had any trouble finding anything.
Scott replied, "no, my fair mistress."
"I'm a man."
"Not a problem." Scott winked.

----

After purchasing their candy bars, they walked outside. Nervous with energy, neither wanted to open their candy bars in anticipation of what they might find. They played roshambo (rock-paper-scissors; look it up on wikipedia) to decide who would go first. Scott lost, and began peeling back the wrapper.
"Where's plastic come from?"
Owen didn't respond.
Scott peeked under the wrapper. Black. He wouldn't have a chance to be the new French monarch. He started crying.
"Cheer up, Scott, maybe I'll win it, and I'll let you be a Duke!"
Scott sniffed. "Really?"
"Nope!" Owen laughed at his mastery of trickiness.
He then slowly began to remove the wrapper. A glint of something shiny began to show. He ripped it off and found... blackness.
They cried for a long time.

Two weeks later, a new French king was annoited Charles VIII.

And so began the 300-year period known as the reign of terror.

 

[Lord E]

Yeah, this seems like it is going to be interesting and cool. I am looking forward to more, good luck

 

[Morpheus506]

The smoke cleared to find a huge crater in what had been the cathedral of Strassbourg. When soldiers from the nearby garrison arrived on the scene to investigate, they were dismayed to find that the all of the ruling families of France and Austria had been disintegrated--that is, almost all. Two men were found, coughing and covered in meteor-dust, still alive near the edge of the crater.

The two men claimed to be brothers. Deciding it was wonderfully convenient to have two survivors and two vacant thrones, and not feeling like thinking any harder, the soldiers sent the two candidates off to each country, to be dealt with by their respective countries in their own way.

***
In Vienna, one of the brothers arrived to a warm welcome of several top royal aides who had declined invitations to the royal wedding and had thus been spared meteorization, who were now trying to run the country properly before a new king was coronated.

Aide: Welcome! So, you're the man who shall become our new king, eh?

Strange heir-like fellow: It's that easy? I just show up and get the job? No strange food related contests or anything?

Aide: Apparently.

Strange heir-like fellow: Nifty.

Aide: Well, since you're gonna be our king, what is your name, so we can announce it properly?

Strange heir-like fellow: Um... let's see.... Ooh, I know, let's go with Maxmilian!

Aide: Splendid! Emperor Maxmilian II it is, then.

Maxmilian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, no II. I wanna be Maxmilian I!

Aide: ...but the last king was Maxmilian I...

Maxmilian: So?

Aide: Why don't you pick a name that a ruler hasn't already used?

Maxmilian: Because I'm too lazy to edit the files.

Aide: What files?

Maxmilian: YOUR IMPUDENCE DISPLEASES ME. *eats aide*

The next aide: ..........................all hail Maxmilian I!

And so began the oh, 30 or so year period known as the reign of that guy named Maxmilian.

 

[unmerged(15687)]

Chapter I: The First Six Years, or Why There Are No More Squirrels in France

Charles sat down in his throne. Ah, feels good to be king, he thought. Four men were at his service- his marshal, chancellor, spymaster, and steward. Each had their duties- military, diplomacy, "intrigue," and money, respectively. None of them were worth anything. Of course, he'd just won the kingdom in a candy bar contest, so what should he have expected?
"So. Let's get started. Bring me a map."
"Right away sir!" His spymaster, an obese man who had to be in his seventh decade of existence, waddled off to find a map.
Trying to look like he knew what he was doing, Charles began to question his advisors.
"So, chancellor, did my brother successfully make it into Austria?"
Nervously, the chancellor replied, "not only did he make it into Austria, they made him their king! Those voodoo-worshiping Austrians did not even have a legitimate method for electing their new king! Maybe one day they'll learn something from the great French nation on how to run things."
Charles rolled his eyes.
"Here is your map, sir." The spymaster backed up to his spot in between the chancellor and steward.
"Yes... mmhmm... Just as I suspected."
"What is it, sir," the advisors asked in unison.
"This country... it is very... pink. Scary looking. We must get it in our alliance immediately."
The chancellor looked at the map. "That is Poland-Lithuania. They're really not that good... I mean, they're gonna get partitioned several times before rebelling and getting beaten down again."
"Okay. Get them in the alliance. That brown nation too, beside Austria."
"Right away, sir." The chancellor left.
"You, steward, come here. We need to improve the economy. Promote the bailiffs in the richest 5 provinces in the country."
"Promote them to what," the steward questioned.
"Well, what comes after bailiff?"
...
Charles continued. "Well, do it anyway."
The steward looked at him. "Um... I have something to tell you... my name is actually Stewart, and I'm not really the steward. I'm just here for the beer." He cracked open a cool Bud light. Ahh, bud light.
Charles shot him.

----

"Sir, I have a letter from your brother." The chancellor passed Charles a letter. He opened it up and began to read.

"Hello, Charles! How are you doing in France? How do you like the ladies? You never really were a ladies man, were you? Anyway, would you be interested in marrying my mother to your father? They're both unmarried, and a royal marriage would improve the relations between our nations.
Signed, Maximillian II... no, I"

Charles pulled out some parchment and began to write back.

"Dear Maxy, (is that really your new name?)
France is nice. And so are the ladies. Well, both of the aforementioned things smell pretty bad. Other than that, things are going well. And I would be interested in your royal marriage offer, but our parents are divorced, and we probably shouldn't force them to get married again. See, that's the thing about marrying my father to your mother- your mother is also my mother. Nice try though. I'd prefer to marry two random courtiers that we've never heard of before. See you in Strassbourg!

Signed, Charles the VIII (yes, there were seven others)

PS don't smite me"

Charles rolled up the letter, licked it shut, and handed it to the chancellor.
"Run off now, deliver this by hand to Maxy. Hurry."
"But I just got back with THIS letter!"
"Do it."
The chancellor left.

----

"Today marks the third year of your reign. We've developed new technology across the board- we're up to land military, trade and infrastructure level 2. While this scale is a bit arbitrary, it sounds good. Yay party." The chancellor waved his hands in the air and spun in a little circle.
Charles responded, "Chancellor, clean up this mess. The steward's been dead for three years now. Why don't we have any janitors in France?"
Charles turned his attention to the marshal.
"So I hear we have a new leader. Polin is his name? Give him ten ships and report back to me with his arbitrary stats."
The marshal stood there.
"Get to it!"
The marshal looked around.
"What is wrong with you?"
The marshal noticed Charles was talking to him, and said something incomprehensible.
"Damn. He only speaks French. No wonder it was so incomprehensible. I thought I changed the national language to English so people could understand this AAR! And so I could write it!"
The marshal saw the chancellor dancing, and started dancing too.
Charles left to go find Polin.

----

April 1, 1497

Polin died in a mysterious hurricaning accident.

----

The Chancellor began to speak. "Your majesty, the upgrades on the walls across our Spanish borders are complete."
Charles looked back. "I am only going to live for another year, Chancellor. We need to decide how we are going to create the line of succession."
The chancellor had an idea. "How about we do the gold wrapper contest again, and I'm in charge of distribution! I promise I won't keep all the gold ones!"
"You know, Chancellor, that would be a good idea, if the golden wrappers were on the outside."
"Damnit."
Charles had a pensive look on his face.
"You know, Chancellor, we could go back to the medieval policy..."
"No, Charles, don't say it-"
"... And let my son inherit."
"NOOOOOOOO!" Everyone in the chamber bellowed. So did everyone in Paris. And everyone in France. And a few people in Dakar. There were only a few people in Dakar. So, on January 1st, 1498, Louis XII took over.

 

[Duke of Wellington]

This looks interesting. I'm not sure who to back thoguh since both nations are certainly far from popular . Good story.

 

[Morpheus506]

Maxmilian began his reign with a scandal. Referring to Austria as the "Big White Blob" in a public speech, all of the people in the audience who could speak English were outraged and indignant, not least because Austria was not particularly big or blobbish in the least.

When an aide came to Maxmilian with this news and a map to validate the people's claims of unblobbiness, Maxmilian became rather cross, set fire to the aide, and shot the map. Then, rolling the map back out onto a table, he turned to a surviving aide.

Maxmilian: So then, what is the meaning of this? Austria is the Big White Blob, it is common knowledge. What gives with this?

Surviving Aide: I don't quite think it's common knowledge. Nobody's ever thought to call Austria that before.

Maxmilian: What? Look!

Maxmilian: Severely big, white, and blobbish!

Surviving Aide: Um, like the first guy told you, that's not the right map. This is.

Flaming Aide: Aahhhhhh!!

Surviving Aide: Speaking of which, shouldn't we put him out?

Maxmilian: No, he'll never learn his lesson that way. Quiet down!

Flaming Aide: *whimper*

Maxmilian: So then, who are all these other people. Who's this brown thing and this greenish looking thing?

Surviving Aide: That's Bohemia and Hungary.

Maxmilian: Why are they there, that's Blob territory! Annex them immediately.

Surviving Aide: Um, Bohemia is our ally.

Maxmilian: Oh, well make the other thing our ally too. One way or another! What's this blue thing?

Surviving Aide: That's France, the country your brother just took over. A royal marriage with them is scheduled for tomorrow, by the way.

Maxmilian: Oh, I hope there's cake. There'd better be cake. There shall be war if there is no cake! Anyway then... what's this big strangely shaped thing?

Surviving Aide: That's where you shot the map. How'd you manage to do that, anyway? We don't know what guns are yet, where'd you get one?

Maxmilian: Um... I found it. In Mercea. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find some cake.

***

The still-smoking crater in Strassburg was still an excellent place for a wedding. Unfortunately, there was no cake, the crater being too sloped to have a table stand up properly to hold it, and Maxmilian was forced to eat another aide.

Since Strassburg was so close by, a tour of Lorraine was also scheduled for both brothers. After spying his brother trying to work out an alliance with Lorraine's ruler, Maxmilian--still disgruntled about the lack of cake--decided to enter the fray as well. Since Maxmilian was obviously the more awesome brother, Lorraine's choice was easy to make.

For a time there was relative peace. After a royal decree declared that all Austrian citizens were required to love taxes, tax collectors were appointed in every province over a several year period. The first action occurred in October 1497, when Turkey declared war on Austria's alliance for absolutely no reason.

Well, it was an alliance. As soon as Turkey declared war, Hungary, Lorraine, and Bohemia collectively crapped their pants and left the alliance. After a quick check of a map revealed that Turkey had absolutely no way to reach Austria without sailing around Europe to Holland, Maxmilian pointed and laughed in their general direction and began pulling everyone back into the alliance, beating back French diplomats at every turn.

A short time later, Austria's relative peace and quiet was disrupted again by a strange rumble coming from the west, sounding vaguely like "NOOOOOOOO!" This prompted a collective response from the Austrian people, generally consisting of "What the f*ck was that??"

 

[Duke of Wellington]

Maxmilian has a thing or two to learn. But I hope for a BWB soon enough.

 

[unmerged(15687)]

@Lord E: We knew we could count on you to read this That's three of us, then.

@Duke of Wellington: Thanks for the support. The obvious choice is France- by 1792, there will be no more white on the map.

@Lorraine: Wrath is coming.

 

[unmerged(15687)]

Chapter II: Louis's First Six Years, or What Happens When You Bring Kool-Aid to a Gym Party

Louis had two loves in his life: the color white and karaoke. He had many hates. For instance, he was bald. Still, he forced his love of karaoke on his advisors.

"He doesn't need his name up in lights. He just wants to be heard, whether it's the beat or the mic. He feels so unlike everybody else; alone, in spite of the fact that some people still think that they know him. But - them. He knows the code- it's not about the salary, it's all about reality- making some noise, making sure his clique stays up. That means when he puts it down, Tak's picking it up!"

The marshal looked confused. The spymaster signaled something to him. Angry that the marshal defied him, Louis continued on, this time about the man.

"Who the hell is he anyway? He never really talks much. Never concerned with status but still leaving them star-struck. Humbled through opportunities given to him despite the fact that many misjudge him cause he's making a living from writing raps. Put it together himself, now the picture connects; never asking for someone's help to get some respect. He's only focused on what he wrote, his skill is beyond reach, and now when it all unfolds, the skill of an artist..."

The chancellor wiped his eyes. "That was beautiful, your majesty. You're the greatest karaoke singer this side of Nippon."
Louis bowed. "Shall I continue?"
The spymaster quickly shook his head. "That was enough," said the chancellor. The marshal, Tak, just said "merci."
"Mercy? Why would I give you mercy? Are you saying that I'm killing your ears? Begone!"

----

"Sir, the clergy are unhappy and attacked us for -1 stab!"
Louis laughed. "Maybe we're the voodoo worshippers, not the Austrians!!"
Everyone giggled.
"Kill them."

----

"Your majesty, you've been promoted to Viscount!"
"From what?"
The chancellor was speechless. "Noob?"
"But I'm already the king!"
"Well, then I am the walrus-" said the chancellor.
"-I'm the Eggman," the spymaster interrupted.
"Coo-coo-kee-choo," replied the marshal.
Moving on.

----

January 1st, 1504 - Bring Your Child to Work Day

"So, marshal, Tak, as you call yourself, who is this person you've brought with you today?"
The man responded for him. "I am his translator."
"It's bring your CHILD to work day! I knew he wouldn't understand," said Louis.
The marshal whispered something to the interpreter.
"Takbir wants to know if he can kiss your baby."
"What?"
The interpreter corrected himself. "Hold him. Hold. I'm new."
"Mmkay." replied Louis.
Louis handed his son, François, to the marshal. The marshal began to rock him, giggling.
The interpreter began to speak. "One day Tak hopes to have a son of his own. He wants to name him Max, after your uncle."
"How sweet."
François vomited on the marshal, surprising him. Tak dropped the baby and jumped backwards. François landed with a thud on his head.
Louis gasped. François's blood dyed the marshal's suit red. Louis reared back his head and charged the marshal, instantly killing him. The windows shattered and the ground began to quake. Throughout the world, all that could be heard was the sound of a pipe organ playing a song in A minor. No- not like R. Kelly in a minor; in the tune of A minor.
"Well, looks like it's just the four of us." Louis picked up François and dusted him off. He looked back down and saw the spymaster writhing in a heap on the floor. The interpreter was nowhere to be seen.
"Or two. Hey, chancellor, I'm promoting you!"
"Yay! To what?"
Louis grinned. "Servant."
"Yay! Promotion!"
The organ music finished. Then began the sound of angels playing harps and a chorus singing Hallelujah. The ceiling of the chamber room shattered, and Louis and Servant dove behind the throne to protect themselves from falling bricks. François didn't.
Through the ceiling came a blinding light. An angel descended through the hole. He stopped halfway to the floor, and spun towards Louis.
"My name is Saint Denis! I will be your advisor for the next ten years. Press A to continue."
Louis pressed A.
"I will increase your diplomatic and economic power! Press A to continue."
Denis spun around and laughed. He cast a spell on Louis, who floated up in the air next to him.
"Your diplomatic and economic power has been increased! When battle has made you weary, come see me! Ahahahaha!"
Denis shrunk and disappeared into a hole in the floor.
Confused, Louis looked around. Then started playing his ocarina.

----

October 27, 1505
Foix died in a mysterious standing accident. Everything is going to plan.

----

The scene taking place on January 1st, 1504 has gone down in French history as one of the most memorable, right after Napoleon killing everyone and right before Charles Martel being named after a hammer. It has been re-enacted many times; to some, it is a tradition to have a customary head-butting on New Year's Day. However, headbutting someone is not enough; one must get into character. He must be bald and wear white. The latest example of this re-enactment took place just days ago. Luckily, an image has been recovered.

Some were surprised Agassi did not make a move at Wimbledon.

 

[Lord E]

This is very funny, and with that picture of the head thing at the end, it just made me laugh:rofl: Good work

 

[Morpheus506]

April 1498
Maxmilian was awakened to the noise of the doorbell ringing. Yes, he has a doorbell. Shut up. The king of Austria groggily went to go answer it, wondering where the hell all of his aides were.

Maxmilian: Yes?

Mailman: I have a gift!

Maxmilian: *gasp* For me???

Mailman: Uh... *checks address* Actually no, it's a gift to the state.

Maxmilian: Oh, that's for me.

Mailman: No it's not, you're not the state.

Maxmilian: No, see, I'm the king, I technically am the state.

Mailman: No you aren't, you're Maxmilian. Look!

The mailman pointed at Maxmilian's chest. Maxmilian looked down.

Maxmilian: Hm....

Maxmilian disappeared for a few seconds, then returned to the door.

Maxmilian: Hi, you have a gift for me?

The mailman stared for a few seconds, blinked, and then, beaming, handed over the package and marched merrily away.

Maxmilian brought it inside and started tearing off the wrapping paper gleefully. Finally pulling open the box, he became quite happy.

Maxmilian put the money to use buying random things, most notably fortifications for the rich provinces in the Low Countries. Just in case the Turks decided to sail around Europe and land there.

August 1498 saw a diplomatic coup for Austria. Not really a coup, obviously, it's just an expression. Shut up.

Anyway, remember how Lorraine thought Austria was more dead sexy than France? They proved even further by deciding to be Austria's vassals. Everyone in Austria was happy. Everyone in France declared everyone in Austria to be asses.

2 months later, Bohemia decided to join the trend and become vassals of Austria. France was understandably bitter.

This, however, began a spree of at least 30 years of constantly offering Hungary the supreme privilege of vassalization. Hungary was not amused.

Meanwhile, a severely kickass fellow by the name of von Frundsberg showed up, just in time to protect against those meddlesome Turks who never showed up.

***

January 1500
Another new guy showed up onscene.

Maxmilian: Who are you?

New guy: I'm Ferdinand.

Maxmilian: Why are you wearing a crown?

Ferdinand: Because I'm a monarch.

Maxmilian: What? No you're not, I'm king of Austria.

Ferdinand: I know. You're king of Austria. I'm still a monarch though.

Maxmilian: ....how??

Ferdinand: *shrugs*

Maxmilian didn't think that made sense at all. He pulled out a manila folder and opened it up, face bathed in an unearthly glow from within. After a few minutes of peering inside, he snapped it shut.

Maxmilian: Hmph, I guess you are a monarch. Somehow.

Ferdinand just grinned.

***
Later that month, Maxmilian noticed the vast surpluses of unwed Austrian people lying around uselessly, without making any items of value or even babies. Except for bastards. Always with the bastards. Damn pretty wenches.

Anyway, to both clear out the castle and put a stop to the bastard problem, Maxmilian started marrying off people to just about any country that had living people in it, spending most of 1500 in such endeavors.

By two years later, Austria pretty much ran out of unmarried people and more importantly, people in the rest of the world that they weren't already married to. So, money was diverted from bridefinding to building forts. Because you never know when the Turks might figure out a way to get in.

As it turned out, Hungary went a long way to achieving that way in. Early in 1503, Hungary decided that it would be a blast to attack Wallachia. Nobody supported Wallachia, but Maxmilian realized it would give Turkey a border with the Austria-Hungary-Bohemia-Lorraine alliance, and went and slapped the king of Hungary around personally for doing something so dumb. Didn't matter, they annexed Wallachia anyway.

Then, they went and did something even dumber. Ooh, is that foreshadowing? No, absolutely not. Shut up.

 

[Duke of Wellington]

Great update. Austria is proving to be quite the popularity contest winner in Europe.

 

[unmerged(15687)]

Chapter III, or the Toilet Does Not Have Enough Room for Two Hundred Charred Monkeys

A noise rang out from deep inside the castle. Squeak, squeak, squeak. The sound grows louder. Great! Perfect! You're on a roll! Squeak, squeak, squeak. 110-combo! Squeak, squeak. Thunder could be heard overhead. The flash of lightning through the stained-glass windows painted a sinister image on the cobblestone. Servant, shivering, crept up to the doorframe. Squeak, squeak, squeak. He peeked his head around the corner...

"Sir, if you're going to play Dance Dance Revolution, at least attach the pad to the floor so it doesn't scoot around and squeak! It makes an awful racket, and prevents some of us from sleeping."

Thunder (and maybe lightning too, if it works in this sentence) cracked overhead. The lights flickered several times and eventually went out.

"Sorry, sir, I have been meaning to get candles that weren't afraid of thunder. These always seem to go out at the worst times during a storm. Does your game still work?"
Without looking back, Louis responded, "yes, thanks to these hard-working hamsters."

"Have we discovered China yet, Servant?"
"No sir," Servant responded, "but our best explorers are searching for it. Or was that the Hudson Bay? Anyway we have colonies in the Virgin Islands. That's the whole point of this segment."
"When we discover China, you're being outsourced."
Servant made a pouty face.

----

"Louis, we have received word from an envoy of Savoy."
"What's that, Servant?"
"Well, we have good news and bad news. The good news is, they accepted to become our vassal. The bad news is, they took Albania from Turkey."
"Wow, that sucks. Oh well. Since I'm tired of waiting for people to find China, instead, I'm sending you to Savoy to be my personal diplomat."
Servant applauded gleefully. "What's my mission, sir?"
"To rename it Savoie."

----

"I need a new advisor. Otherwise I sound really schizophrenic talking to myself. You, hamster, you're the new chancellor."

----

"What is it, Hamster? What is it, boy?"
The hamster scribbled something on a piece of paper. Louis picked it up.

"We have been diplomatically insulted by Austria! Retaliation must be swift and brutal!"

Louis grinned. "Aww, all this time I thought you were just drawing pictures!"
The hamster wrote something else.

"They said they have stolen our sea charts! As they are not at war with us and have no ships, this could not be possible unless as a result of espionage! What shall our reply to them be?"

Louis thought for a second. "Call them Jews."
The hamster nodded in approval.

This is not the first time a family feud has occurred, though:

*flashback*
December 2, 1494
Austria: Make that [level] 3, I just got Reformation of the Army!
France: I make more money than you!
Austria: I'm less French than you!
France: ... you smell funny!
*end flashback*

----
May 10, 1511

FRANCE HAS DECLARED WAR UPON ENGLAND!
PORTUGAL AND NAVARRA WILL JOIN THEIR ALLY, ENGLAND, IN WAR AGAINST FRANCE!
SAVOY, THE PAPAL STATES, POLAND-LITHUANIA AND BAVARIA WILL JOIN THEIR ALLY, FRANCE, IN WAR AGAINST THE STRATEGICALLY-CREATED ENGLISH ALLIANCE!

*intermission*

*end of intermission*

Louis walked along the shore. He was in Normandie with Pierre Bayard, the last survivor of the rare breed known as French Warriors.
"What is the plan, my man?" Louis patted Pierre on the shoulder.
Pierre, a man tired of war, sighed. "We have four armies of 30,000 men each. The navy you had ordered constructed has come in handy as well. Too bad we don't have a leader for it. It is comprised primarily of battleships, around 40 in number. We also have about 10 transports in the fleet in order to carry two full armies."
Pierre sipped from his coffee, ordered from Dakar. Wait, those were his slaves he ordered from Dakar... Maybe he got it from the French Virgin Islands instead...
He continued. "Each army has enough artillery to siege on its own if necessary, and enough cavalry to defend itself. However, we want this war to be quick, so reinforcement levels do not get unnecessarily high. Just in case, we have two infantry reserve armies of 30,000 men each waiting in Maine and Orleans. The armies in Armor and Normandie will board the transports and sail to Wessex. We shall establish a front there in order to keep supply lines open, then move into the capital in Anglia. The army in Picardie will attack Calais, currently undefended, with the army in Caux waiting to reinforce them or stop invaders."
"Wow, this isn't HoI. That is way too much strategy. I'm going home, wake me up when we get the red off the mainland. I always liked using my blue crayon on that map..."
Louis strolled away. Just then, he heard a voice.
"Come here, Louis."
Louis, obviously frightened, turned toward the water.
"I am the one they call the DoomWalrus."

"You will do as I say or this navy shall be sunk by the DoomWalrus."
Louis fell on the ground, prostrate. "I will do anything, DoomWalrus!"
DoomWalrus, evidently proud, clapped his flippers together.
"walrusnoise walrusnoise walrusnoise!"
Louis was confused. "Uh... okay."
"You must kill all the cane toads. They hurt my stomach when I eat them by accident. Kill them or you shall lose the war against England!"
Louis jumped in his van. For hours, the only sounds that could be heard were battle cries, clinking metal and popping cane toads.

They never saw it coming.

Louis returned back to the DoomWalrus that evening. "I've killed your cane toads. Did my troops win?"
The DoomWalrus laughed. "Your troops would've won anyway. Thanks for killing the toads though."
Annoyed, Louis had another question. "Why are you in France, anyway?"
"Turn around."
Out of the bushes jumped Goneville. "You thought you could kill me by sending me to Hudson Bay! Ha, I showed you! I brought this walrus back to trick you just like you did me!" Goneville continued laughing.
"Go away."
Goneville hoisted the walrus over his shoulder and started walking back to Paris, still laughing.

----
August 1, 1511- The Turning Point

Pierre Bayard radioed in to the headquarters in Normandie from Wessex. "Sir, the two armies took Wessex, but we have had to merge for lack of units. We do not have time to mess around with fighting the troops in other provinces- we must strike Anglia. Reports indicate Calais has fallen to our first army, as well. However, there are mitigating circumstances."
"Mitigating?" Louis replied.
"Yes... Navarra and Portugal. In a war against Spain, at one point, they controlled 7 Spanish provinces, primarily Navarra's doing. This ain't your grandfather's Navarra. They've taken Bearn."
"Where's that?"
"To be honest, your highness, I'm not sure. I just know it's far south from here. So it'll be a lot of trouble to annex Navarra. I plan on sending the reserve army south to retake Bearn. A cavalry army has been created to catch up to the Navarran army and destroy it before they can take another province."
"Anything else to report, Marshal?"
"Yes sir. Our navy has eradicated the pride of the British- their fleet. It should be easy to reinforce now, if necessary."
"Sounds well and good, Pierre. Wanna hear a story about a practical joke someone played on me a while ago?"

----

On January 11, 1513, peace was concluded with England for Calais, Wessex and 250 ducats. Nah, I won't post 250.
Louis, our hero, was attending the funeral of Pierre Bayard, who was stricken by malaria on his return to the mainland. Upon Louis's eventual return to Paris, he found this, with a note attached.

He gasped and opened the note.

"We do not like your family's inheritance nor your aggressiveness. Here is your walrus back- we keep the explorer's body. You shall hear from us again. Spain."

 

[Duke of Wellington]

Avenge these insults

 

[Lord E]

Good work against England, and Austria seems to be doing well. But those Spanish people can’t go around saying things like that I say France shall crush them as well, and also if Hungary doesn’t want to become Austria vassals voluntarily they should be forced
Good work

 

[Morpheus506]

Haha, fooled you. It was foreshadowing.

In February of 1503, Hungary attacks Turkey, of all people they could possibly want to attack, they pick Turkey. Brandenburg, whom Maxmilian had worked so hard to get into the alliance, was the only one who showed any sense and skedaddled out of the alliance again. After a brief stopoff in Hungary to slap their king around some more, Maxmilian went back to Brandenburg to woo them back in too.

Austria's troops, with great misgivings, are dispatched to aid Hungary. Von Frundsberg and the monarch Ferdinand arrive to find Hungary already besieging like 3 different turkish provinces, with no Turks in sight. Somehow, Turkey had decided that Hungary was not a threat, and only committed token resistance throughout the entire war, which ended improbably in January 1506 with Dobrudja being ceded to Hungary, to the great astonishment of pretty much everybody in the world, with the exception of Georgia, whose annexation a month or two later is evidence to the fact that all of Turkey's armies were apparently elsewhere at the time and Hungary was just unbelievably lucky.

But then, so was Savoy, who was also somehow at war with Turkey, and who then was given ALBANIA. Savoy owns ALBANIA. You heard it right.

What is wrong with Turkey??

***

The first big step towards Big White Blobbiness came in April 1509, with the diploannexation of Bohemia. For some reason, Lorraine began to fear for its life. And rightfully so. After 2 years of coaxing Lorraine back into its close confidences, Austria abruptly turned around and ate them. France declared Austria to be an ass, while Maxmilian held a party in celebration, inviting France's Marshal, whom he heard was a very good dancer.

***
1514
Maxmilian went outside one morning to find a huge crowd of people sitting in his front yard.

Maxmilian: Who the hell are all these people?

Aide: I dunno.

Maxmilian: Why haven't you -- oh never mind.

Maxmilian approached the crowd, and one man emerged from the crowd, bowing greetings.

Maxmilian: Who are you?

Man: We are those most intrepid, daring, and socially outcast travelers of this great nation, ready to go out and settle the world for Austria! Just give us a destination, O King, and we shall dedicate these new lands for king and country!

Maxmilian: So you're colonists, huh?

Colonist: Yes! Just tell us where to go, and we shall brave the seas to glorify our great nation!

Maxmilian: ....you do realize that this part of Austria is landlocked? Well, except for that lake by Switzerland...

Colonist: Perfect!

Maxmilian: ....and that we have no ships?

Colonist: Not a problem, we have covered wagons! Where shall we go?

Maxmilian: Um... okay. Hold on a minute.

***Paris
Maxmilian: Can we have your maps?

Louis XII: Why?

Maxmilian: Oh, no reason.

Looey number 12: Well... nah.

***Madrid
Maxmilian: Can we have your maps?

Ferdinand: What do you think, honey?

Isabela: Why not?

Christopher Columbus: No!! He's trying to steal my discoveries!!

Maxmilian: You've been dead for 8 years.

Columbus: .......zombie noises!

Ferdinand: Zombie!

Isabela: Run!

Maxmilian: *sigh*

***London
Maxmilian: Can we have your maps?

Henry VIII: Only if you'll marry me, the position is available.

Maxmilian: Nah, I like my head, thanks. How about Christopher Columbus? He won't stop following me.

Columbus: ......more zombie noises!

Henry: Quick! Chop of his head!

While Henry VIII bumbled around trying to behead Christopher Columbus, Maxmilian just stole the maps and left.

***Back in Vienna
Maxmilian: Okay, how about you go there. *points at map*

Colonist: Tally ho!

Roughly one third of the crowd piled onto covered wagons and set off across that lake by Switzerland and then through France to the real ocean. France was perplexed.

Some months later, against all odds and most logical reasoning, the first Austrian overseas colony of Neu Landenberg was founded. France was further perplexed.

***
Impressed by Austria's colonial might (and wisely not informed of the failure of the two subsequent expeditions to Neu Landenberg when their wagons sunk), Saxony was wooed into vassalization in 1515.

***
1519
On January 12, Maxmilian was seen gazing late into the night into the unholy glow of a mysterious manila folder, apparently deep in thought over something puzzling. The next morning, a man emerged from the royal bedroom.

Man: Yay, all hail me, new king and probably emperor, Karl V!

Aide: You look an awful lot like that other guy.

Karl: Irrelevant!

Aide: Are you sure you're not him?

Karl: Of course, see, look.

Aide: ... can we see Maxmilian's body?

Karl: Absolutely not!

Aide: Why not?

Karl: Because I have 8 diplomatic skill, and convinced you otherwise.

Aide: I see....

Thus began the reign of the "new" king, Karl V.

***
That 8 diplomatic skill helped in other ways, too. In October 1525, Saxony saw the light--the big, white, blobby light--and agreed to become a part of Austria. The same year, Baden succumbed also to vassalization.
***
1530 or so
Karl was annoyed by a strangely-dressed person out in the front yard, with another crowd of people behind him.

Karl: Are you another colonist?

Man: They are, but I'm not. I'm a conquistador! I am come to lead our brave expeditions into the wild wastes of the New World, for the glory of Austria!

Karl: What's your name?

Conquistador: I don't remember, I didn't write it down.

Karl: ....ookay.... and you do know we have no ships?

Conquistador: Can't I take a covered wagon?

The colonists, who had been loading aboard covered wagons for some time, at this point set off to the west. They didn't even make it down the street before the wagons sank. Yes, on land.

Karl: Nah, that doesn't seem to work too well. Why don't you stay here?

Conquistador:

Karl: Ah, cheer up, I'm going to arbitrarily say that Turkey declared war on Hungary today, you can go fight them.

Conquistador: Yay!

Karl: Oh, what the hell, let's just make everything happen today. *snaps fingers*

King of Brandenburg: *pops out of the ground* Yes?

Karl: How'd you like to be my vassal?

Brandenburg: Aight.

Karl: Neat-o.

***
Yes, Turkey declared war on Hungary. Hungary crapped themselves, and Karl slapped their king around some, and then went off to war. Things went well for a while, until some bigass armies of like 100,000 crimeans and turks showed up and kicked Hungary around. Meanwhile, the conquistador-with-the-forgotten-name died in a mysterious walking accident.

Austria's troops were not enough to turn the tide of the war, though it looked close several times, but Turkey just had more reinforcements than could be handled so far away from Austria. Hungary ended up getting Croatia nonsensically sheared away from them, but Austria and the sole surviving leader, the monarch Ferdinand, managed to steal a Turkish city just long enough to get a white peace and get the hell attrited out of them on the walk back to Austria. The war ended in 1534.

The year after, Baden was also annexed to Austria. Only Bavaria, already swollen with the annexation of Wurttemburg, stood between unifying two parts of Austria. However, things were getting hairy, with all the people going Protestant around. It is debatable how long the diploannexations can keep up.

Getting blobbier!

***
1538
Karl got a visit from the King of France.

Karl: Louis! How's it hanging!

François: Um, I'm not Louis, I'm Francois.

Karl: Oh, what are you new?

François: I've been king for 23 years.

Karl: Meh, you French go through kings so fast. What can I do for you?

François: Well, we're about to go to war again...

Karl: Oh, I suppose you'll be wanting him back, then.

Karl indicated the corner of the room, where the Marshal of France was dancing merrily away.

Karl: He was entertaining for a while, but now he just won't leave.

François: Yeah, sorry about that, he doesn't understand much. I would have come for him sooner, but we didn't really need him.

Karl: Understandable. Well, good luck with that war business. Keep in touch.

François: See ya.

François went over to the Marshal, put on his leash, and led him out, dancing all the way.

 

[unmerged(15687)]

Chapter IV: The Revenge of the French, or Watch Out for the Cassidy Hotel

December 30, 1513

It was a bad night to be outside. Rain was pouring down. Kelly shivered. He was glad to have found this bridge to shelter himself from the rain. There was a man across the street- could he be here for the same purpose?
"How are you this 'fine' evening?" Kelly asked.
The response was, "okay."
"Are you here for the same reason as I?"
The man replied, "yeah!"
"I am Robert Kelly. What is your name?"
"Jonathan Smith," said the man.
A coach pulled up to the two, and they got in. It was much warmer inside, and the seats were covered in velvet.

Kelly: I'm glad to be in here.
Louis: Sorry for being late. I have an offer for the two of you.
A siren could be heard in the distance. WARNING! WARNING!
Kelly: What's that noise?
Narrator: A style shift. Sorry, it's much easier this way.
Smith: Okay.
Louis: Would you like me to take your cloak? It's much warmer in here.
Kelly: I'm fine, thank you- still a bit chilly.
Smith: Yeah.
Louis: That's fine.

Louis reached down and pulled a sheet off of a cage. He opened the cage, pulled out the hamster, and put the animal on his shoulder.

Louis: I have brought the three of you here for a reason. It is 1513, and I only have two more years before I join Saint Denis in the sky. My son is set to inherit the kingdom, but we had an... uh... accident when he was a child. As a result, he cannot speak.
Smith: What?!
Louis: Yes, it's true. Each of you has a special talent you can lend to François to aid him while he rules. Kelly, you are organized. Smith, with your control over lightning through music, would be an excellent diplomat. And you, hamster, are an industrial genius. So I would like all three of you to join me in the palace as advisors to François.
Kelly: I can do it. I love children. Very, very much. In fact I wear this pink mask all the time so they'll like me too!
Smith: Yeah!
Hamster: *noise*
Louis: Yay for Dakar! Racial diversity in the workplace!

----
January 1, 1515

It was François's day to begin his rule of our glorious nation! Lined up around the room were his three advisors.

Kelly

Smith

And you know what Hamster looks like.

So for 5 years, the nation was ruled by peace, as tech levels reached Land 6, Naval 4, Infrastructure 4 and Trade 4. La Palice died. Imagine. The nation gloriously expanded under the guide of François, Kelly, Smith and Hamster until the fateful day of July 1st, 1520...

----
July 1, 1520

Kelly: You have any twos?
Smith: Yeah!
Kelly: I win!!

They could hear a door creaking open behind them, and turned around to see a man in tattered clothes, huffing and puffing.

Servant: I'm back.
Kelly: Who are you??
Servant: I am the official envoy of Louis XII to Savoie. We have annexed them. And Albania. Savoie are now part of our glorious nation!
Kelly: Can Albania declare independence if we let the rebels take control of it?
Servant: Nope.
Kelly: Will they defect to Turkey?
Servant: This isn't Victoria.
Smith: What?!
Servant: So I have come to resume my duties as the head chancellor.
Smith: WHAT?!

Smith got an angry look on his face. He was the chancellor, after all. Some man declaring himself the personal diplomat of a dead man had no power in this court.

Servant: Get out of my way, or I will have to remove you.

Smith put his cloak on. This might get ugly.

Servant: So you want to fight, I see?

The servant drew his sword.

Servant: We shall fight, then!
Smith: OKAY!!

Smith won. He took off his sunglasses and sat back down in his pimp chair.

----
January 1, 1525

The hamster scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it to François. François set it down. Kelly and Smith read it.

"We have found two French people who like to fight. Yes, only two. We even searched Albania. Their names are Guise, who we immediately promoted to commander-in-chief of the French forces. The other is Brion, who has taken control of our navy in the Channel. We will be relocating them to Gascogne soon."

Over the next six years, the hamster took the driver's seat of France. A refinery was built without charge in Gascogne, and another free one was constructed in Maine. These random events are cool.

----
September 1, 1529

Guise was in the war room, giving a presentation to François and his three advisors.

Guise: ...So in addition to the two armies on the border of Rousillion, we are sailing another army down from Bretagne to eventually deploy in Poitou. I am leading an army in Calais, and we have three more identical armies along the border of the Spanish Netherworld. Additionally, two armies are stationed outside Franche Comte. We must strike quickly, because they, no doubt, have much more manpower and the ability to fight a protracted war. Without destroying our economy, this is not an option for us.
The hamster shook his head. Can't destroy the economy.
Guise: I suggest the headquarters for this operation be in Bearn, as that is where we will encounter the heaviest resistance.
Kelly: agreed.
Smith: okay.

The four men and the animal packed up the maps and started loading the coach to head south.

----

Kelly: Guise! Can you hear me? We're under attack!
Guise: Kelly... I have taken Flandres, and we are moving into Hainaut... Franche Comte has fallen... *bzzt* The war will be over soon...
Kelly: Guise! You don't understand! The King is under attack!
Guise: It will be over soon...

Kelly set down the walkie-talkie.

Kelly: We're going to be on our own. We have twelve thousand infantry, eight thousand cavalry, and thirty artillery with us, stationed outside the city. The Spanish have us encircled in this building. What will we do?

No one had an answer. Instead, they walked outside onto the balcony of the headquarters. They could hear a chant coming from the Spanish troops, something like "We want the walrus."

Kelly: Nice use of alliteration.
Smith: What?!
Kelly: So they're going to storm the headquarters and take the walrus. What should we do?
François: Snakes on a plane.
Smith: WHAT?!
Kelly: What did you say?
François: Snakes on a plane!
Kelly: I thought you couldn't talk!
François: Why would you think that? I've just never had any reason to. These Spanish troops are nothing, this is snakes on a plane. Use our army to take Bearn while we hide in here.
Kelly: Why would we move our defenses?
François: I'm the king here. Do it. Go with them, Hamster. You're the only one that can get out of this building.

The hamster ran out to find the troops.

----
August 7th, 1530

Peace was settled with Spain. France receives France Comte, Flandres, and 250 ducats. Spain gives up her claim on the DoomWalrus skin.

François, Kelly, Smith and the hamster sat in their spots in the throne room.

Kelly: Who would've thought that taking one more province would give us enough stars to steal the most strategically-important Spanish provinces? In that war we gained a Center of Trade and narrowed our fronts with Spain to two. In addition, we still have a national province in Rousillion yet to reclaim. That was sure a good idea, François!
The hamster nodded.
Kelly: ...But we have another problem. Do you remember how Pierre Bayard died? The plague. It is here. Populations are dying.
Smith: What?!

And so ends the first segment of our game. We're out of notes, and it's time to play the game again. I'm sure our strategies have been refined . Any suggestions for what we should do?

 

[Lord E]

Well so far you have been working at different sides of Europe and growing more and more, now that you need to go back to the game I feel it is time for you to take care of each other, after all there can only be one big coloured blob in Europe and not two as it is now. Time for France to use super hamster and strike into Austria