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unmerged(238880)

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Dec 13, 2010
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  • Darkest Hour
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Divine Wind
  • Heir to the Throne
  • Iron Cross
  • Victoria 2: A House Divided
Away From the Waves

Hello, and welcome to my new AAR! This will be a very special Poland AAR, for the Polish kings have a secret known to few men. They are afraid of water! Why you ask?

Wild-Waves-wallpaper.jpg

The First Polish Expedition Into the Ocean

This is conclusive proof that the ocean is evil! The other countries do not know that it is secretly plotting against them. We must save all the people that don't live on the shore from its evil! But our rulers are scared. So as to avoid scaring the leaders of our proud nation, this AAR will have a few special rules.

1. The biggest rule, at no point can we touch a ocean. If we do ever touch a ocean, even through colonial company, it's game over. If we inherit Lithuania, and they are touching a ocean, game over.

2. Seeing that we won't be touching the ocean, we won't need a navy. No naval units.

3. Lakes are scary too! Every time we annex land that touches a lake, our current ruler will throw himself into battle. He will have to fight at least three battles to get over the shock.

4. We can't take control of any islands. No way will we allow water to surround us on all sides!


All settings are on normal, and lucky nations are set on historical. I have made no modifications to the game except for the fact that hordes now function like they did in HTTT, meaning no giant Lithuania or horde picking.

(Screenies are down for the first 3 chapters, thanks for your understanding.)

The Polish kings are hungry for conquest, but can they avoid their biggest enemy, the ocean?

Find out tomorrow, I update daily!
 
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Brilliant (and original!) twist to the game!
We certainly need more insane AARs in this forum :D
 
Awesome! Poland might be able to into space...but can't into sea!

And yes, will you allow vassals to be by the sea shore?
 
@Gabor Yes, it can, but I cant form a alliance with any country that touches the water. No friendship with the water lovers!
@Eber Thanks for your intrest
@Ashantai Thanks, nice to see you again
@Ygor I agree, good to see you again

Chapter 1
Splash!​

Clark walked down the hallway, a big grin on his face. He couldn't believe that he was to become the advisor to the recently coronated King Renald the Second. He looked around the hall wildly, trying to soak in every detail. The hall was beautiful, decorated with sculptures of wild animals and beautiful landscapes. The new king obviously had good taste. In all Clark's jublilance, it only hit him how nervous he was when he reached the massive gold encrusted doors. Clark looked around, trying to find something to calm himself down. He looked towards the corner, and saw that a small fountain had been shoved to the corner. Clark quickly found a cup and filled it. After a few sips he felt much more relaxed. Cup in hand, he walked into the grand hall. The king smiled at him as he walked closer.

Clark bowed deep. When he came up, the king had a expression of fury on his face. He slapped the cup of water out of Clark's hand's, dousing his upper body. Clark had to bite his tounge to prevent from himself from swearing. After he finished drying of his face, he looked back up at the king.

"Pardon my insolence sir, but why did you do that?"

The king looked at him like he had asked why grass was green or the sky was blue.

"Why on earth would you bring water so close to my secret plans! You never know when it might be listening, even if it is fresh water!"

The king glared at a nearby vase that a servant was watering. Clark decided that it would be best not to challenge the king's opinion on the morality of water, at least not for now. He decided just to nod.

"Well, now that we have that out of the way, my name is Clark."

They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. After a while they sat down at a table.

"I would like to propose my first idea. I believe that we should unify Poland in order to make us more of a threat to our enemies, like Hungary."

Renald nodded, and smiled.

"And the ocean...."

Clark simply nodded again and laid out a map of Poland. He then pointed to Mazovia.

EU3_1.jpg


"So you believe that we should invade Mazovia."

Clark, in what was becoming a common response nodded and looked out dramatically.

"For the good of Poland."

Renald thought about it for a moment, and made a displeased face.

"Well, it is quite close to the ocean, but I suppose. Mobilize my armies!"

The order was soon passed too the highest ranking officers in the army, but as wars go, this one was fairly uneventful.

EU3_2.jpg


The only highlight of the trip was that Renald accidently stepped in a puddle, which he swore was salt water. The water was tested and found to be fresh, but Renald still demanded a doctor. Clark was greatly amused and annoyed. It was not long before the times of violence had ended and the Mazovians were forced to bow to the will of Poland. They were annexed into the kingdom with little resistance. They were already considered core Polish lands, so the transition was easy as well.

EU3_3.jpg


Poland was united for the first time in a long time, and it was a great day of celebration throughout the kingdom. The king was very pleased with both Clark and himself, so he decided that he would allow Clark to ask something of him before he moved in permanently. Clark smiled.

"I was thinking a refreshing dip in the lake sire...."

Renald spit up the ale he was drinking.

"Never gonna happen, and if you ever suggest something like that again, I will have you thrown in the ocean."

"How would you get me to the middle of the ocean sire?"

Renald walked out, leaving the doors swinging behing him.

This was going to be interesting.

End Chapter 1

Hoped you guys enjoyed!

I do daily updates, with shorter ones during the week and longer ones during the weekends. Suggestions are welcome.
 
I love it! Great to get in on the ground floor. Subscribed!
 
Very unique idea. I'll be reading this one. :)
 
I love it! Very funny stuff.

What happens when it rains on the King? Does he have a mobile tent to stop the rain infecting him?
 
Well this is different to say the least. :eek:.

Great opening graphic. Is that one of your drawings? It captures the heart of how I can see why the Polish line will be a bit uneasy to be around the ocean.

Looking forward to your next update.
 
Nice start, I like humorous AARs :)
Looking forward to more Poland expansion... inland, of course :D
 
@Ygor Thanks, theree is no way but inland
@Macdunne Yeah, it was my drawing, and thanks, I hope it was unique in a good way!
@Ashantai Thanks, and I am actually going to talk about that in my next chapter!
@Vladislave welcome and thanks
@Avindian Thanks
@Eber Agreed, death to them all!
@Boris Yeah, quite the change in pace eh? I thought playing a game like this would be a little more fun than my Swiss game, as that could drag on for a bit. The narrative is still my favorite part though.

Thanks for all the responses!


Chapter 2
Liberation!​


Clark tapped on the table, waiting for Renald to arrive. It had been a good few days since the conquest of Mazovia, and the castle was a nice place to live, even if Krakow was a little dirty. For the time being, he had managed supress the idea that the King was insane, but after this meeting, he could do that no longer. The king swept in with a great smile on his face.

"I want to invade something!"

Clark brightened, for he was expecting some sort of comment on how malevolent the ocean, or water in genral was.

"Who is it you wish to attack sir, and I will tell you if it is within reason."

The king was far too excited to snap at Clark.

"The ocean!"

Clark laughed. The king frowned like a small child and crossed his arms.

"Hey, this is a good plan. We simply go through the Teutonic Order...."

"That would be considered a declaration of war sire."

"Your point being? Anyway, I hired 1,000 mercenaries and gave them buckets. While you are distracting the Teutons with your little war, they can sneak into the ocean, and scoop it all out!"

Krum.jpg

One of the doomed mercenaries...

Clark was supressing laughter again, when he finally looked at the king with a straight face.

"I think your calculations are a bit off sire."

"Who cares, it will work, and we will take two enemies with us!"

Clark at least figured that while the king barked at some mercenaries, he could do some damage to the Teutonic Order. While he began writing up the declaration, the king ran in screaming.

"We are under attack!"

It was raining outside.

Clark looked at the king, who now had his sword drawn and was backed into a corner.

"What do you do when it normally rains?"

"I call for my servants to form a human shield around me, what else could I do?"

The king walked out, and when he came back, he had a servant on each of his four sides, with a small one being supported by the other four.

"Wouldn't it just be easier to have them hold a cloth above your head?"

The servants nodded quickly in agreement.

"But what if water leaks through?"

Clark turned from his work.

"Think about it sire, your servants are infected by the water because they shield you from it, so doesn't that make you infected?"

The king sprinted off down the hall, sending the servants toppling. Clark could hear the king scream.

"Someone find me a piece of cloth, and.... and a towel!

Clark soon finished, and Polands armies were mobilized. The king rode off with his mercenaries as well. The war, with the help of Lithuania, went easily, for the Teutons army had recently been decimated by a war with the Hansa. Sieges went well.

Chapter2-1.jpg


Meanwhile the king watched as his mercenaries scooped pale after pale of salt water onto the beach. It appeared to be a victory to the king. He left the mercenaries at work and rode back to Krakow to tell Clark of the sucsess of his plan. The Polish army also captured Kurland, which was the Teutons last mainland defense.

Chapter2-2.jpg


The Teutons were ready to neogtiate. Clark wanted to demand Danzig and Warmia (Which had revolted back to Teuton rule.) but the king would not hear of owning provinces that close too the water. So, the Teutons were forced to become vassals to the Polish-Inland Empire ("Catchy isn't it?" Said the king when he first coined that.") and pay regular tribute.

Chapter2-3.jpg


When the king first told Clark of his sucsess with the ocean, Clark played impressed. But he was expecting a messenger. Soon enough one came in.

"Greetings sire, I bear news of the mercenaries."

"They won, didn't they."

"Errr, no sire, they are all dead."

"What! How!"

"Mostly exhaustion sire, but some drowned."

Clark laughed as the king banged his fist against the table and sent the boy away. But suddenly the king smiled.

"I have another idea!"

End Chapter 2

Hope you guys enjoyed!
 
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I see that the other nations are but pawns to be used by the Polish King in his fight with his true nemisis.

Clark laughed as the king banged his fist against the table and sent the boy away. But suddenly the king smiled.

"I have another idea!"

Can't wait to see what the king's next move against the ocean will be since the mercs + bucket idea didn't hold water. ;)
 
That was very funny, I love it! :D

Nice campaign against the TO also.
 
Oh, machiavelic!
The sea-bordering powers are to become loyal vassals to help you build your empire inland :eek:

You, sir, are a genius :cool: