Hour of Power: 1460-1498
[As the contestants enter the last kilometer of the race, Colonel Custer is still in the lead, riding his hobby horse for all it is worth. However, he has by no means won yet, as three politicians, a religious fundamentalist compassionate conservative, a freedom loving deficit-spending social democrat, and an euro-weenie-commie-pinko-cryto-communist keep flogging their dead horses like there's no tomorrow. Which is fair enough. As they draw shoulder to shoulder and bone to bone with Custer, the last 200 meters will determine the race. This, of course, is when the camera is cut off, and we return to the studio]
DEEPLY PSYCHOTIC VOICE: Welllllcoooomee. To theee Hour of POOWEEERRRR!
MEPHISTOPHELES: Greetings and salutations! I'm Mephistopheles, and this is the Hour of Power. Our main topic tonight is the recent dramatic, dastardly, devilish, devious, deadly, and slightly deranged actions of the escaped Eldar on Earth#5. Right, Asmodeus?
ASMODEUS: Right, Mephistopheles. Couldn't have said it better myself.
MEPHISTOPHELES: I understand that there was a considerable amount of warfare taking place?
ASMODEUS: Sure was. But before we get into this, let me tell the viewers that we have a positive id on the Eldar in Mysore.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Shoot!
[Asmodeus waves a hand and shoots a bar of flame at a cameraimp, who is instantly reduced to ashes. The old ones are the best, and this never fails to please the audience.]
[canned laughter superimposed on an insane jingle blasts the audience at 120 db]
ASMODEUS: Our intrepid journalists, or at least the one who survived, I couldn't care less about the losers, who were incinerated, have identified the Eldar as Pi-Low the twisted.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Never heard of him.
ASMODEUS: No reason you should. An abject coward, with a mean and twisted spirit, he fell from grace because it was too much hard work polishing his halo. Also known as the lazy he was suspected lost aeons ago, and little loss it was.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Sounds like a real loser, but how do you explain his apparent success, then?
ASMODEUS: While he suffers from so many of the weaknesses of the humans, there is one thing he doesn't lack. Intelligence. Make that two things, intelligence and cunning, as witnessed by his ingratiating himself with the superior Elderan. While he is much weaker than Elderan, it is not impossible that he tries to maintain a low posture in order to appear insignificant, while others waste their energies in fruitless wars. In fact, he may be lying low just waiting for his chance to go for the throat.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Scaryyyyy.
ASMODEUS: Or he may just be too scared of acting alone. While acknowledged cunning and intelligent, nobody ever said he was wise. Senior officials within the government of Mysore tell of a top-secret reinforced hideaway capable of surviving the direct impact of projectiles up to the mass of a kilo-elephant being built at ruinous cost. Sounds like somebody is playing it safe.
[canned 'Booohs!']
ASMODEUS: Meanwhile, let's talk about wars and suffering. Notice this unretouched painting of starving peasants? See the cruel oppression of the peasantry by the nobility in this state of the art wood-cut? Or how about this image of the return of the prodigal son. Notice the warmth of his parents at his return - you can almost feel their good wishes, up close - and notice his demented visage and the large and bloody cleaver grasped in his right hand, leaving a trail of blood. These pictures are only a few out of legions. Such scenes take place even as we speak!
MEPHISTOPHELES: And you can buy genuine authentic faux replicas from the official Hour of Power fanshops at the low price of a slightly tarnished soul per image.
ASMODEUS: Must you, Mephistopheles?
MEPHISTOPHELES: You wouldn't believe the overhead of this show. And I get percentages of the net.
ASMODEUS: I see. Well, these three decades were dominated by the carving up of India between Elderan and Pi-Low. Elderan got the rich and populous provinces with high manpower in the west, while Pi-Low got the moderately prosperous provinces with low manpower in the east. In addition Pi-Low took control of the centre of trade in Ganges, while Elderan took a bite out of the Timurid Empire and began conquering Oman. Together, the two Eldar waged war (unsuccesfully) on Karmulek, who also made moderate gains in China. Elderan and Pi-Low tried to force Karmulek to free parts of his conquests, but he refused outright, preferring to go down in flames rather than submit.
MEPHISTOPHELES: And did he go down in flames?
ASMODEUS: No, the dynamic duo forgot to actually fight after a few years of war, thus ending the war prematurely.
[canned 'Boooohs']
[A mighty trumpet blast shatters the air, several cameras, a dozen imps, and sets fire to Asmodeus hair. He doesn't notice]
ASMODEUS: Wait a moment, I've got an id on the Nipponese Eldar. One of my spys has infiltrated the Nipponese court, and he is returning right now
[An imp materialises in front of Asmodeus. He is on fire]
IMP: Master, it is Gothmog, the fiery one.
ASMODEUS: It cannot be! He is slain!
IMP: The High-Captain, the Lord of his Kind, the slayer of Fëanor, Fingon, and Echtelion, it is him. His touch is upon me!
[The imp is reduced to a smouldering heap of ashes in a sudden burst of flame, hot as the heart of a nova]
ASMODEUS: I'll be damned...
MEPHISTOPHELES: I believe you already are. Would you care to elaborate?
ASMODEUS: I can scarcely believe my late servant's claim. Does the name Melkor ring a bell?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Sure, I used to collect Dark Lord trading cards.
ASMODEUS: Well, before Melkor was defeated, he was served by many powers greater and lesser. After Utumno was lost, he retreated to Angband, and his High-Captain was the lord of the greatest of his servants, the Demons of Might, the Balrogs.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Ah yes, ancient history. He was slain in a Gondol, right?
ASMODEUS: Gondolin. By the blessed hand of Echtelion, who perished in bringing him down.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Same thing. So, did this Gothmog have much experience with ruling?
ASMODEUS: Some. He was better known for his destructiveness and battle prowess. It must please his malign mind no end to live in the utter chaos of Nippon. Assuming it is him, of course. However, he does not appear in any of the archives of the Eldar that we have access to, which makes the claim suspect. On the other hand, Zoryan was very thorough in erasing information on the Eldar following his victory.
MEPHISTOPHELES: I see. Does this change the strategic picture?
ASMODEUS: Somewhat. With Elderan, Pi-Low, and Karmulek at war again - this time only separated by the province of Santal, Gothmog can build his armies in peace. In fact, he has already begun doing so - notice the colonisation and conquest of Brunei. This is fully in line with Melkor's modus operandi, which was to build an impregnable defense and then strike with overwhelming force, here denying enemies vital naval bases for the invasion of his headquarters.
MEPHISTOPHELES: As far as I remember, Melkor usually struck in haste.
ASMODEUS: Well, he planned not to. Perhaps Gothmog has learned his lesson.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Yeah, right. So what is the tally, Asmodeus?
ASMODEUS: Well, Elderan controls 26 provinces and at least six outposts, including the richest parts of India and Persia. He can field large armies and support them for years on end, and controls several centres of trade.
MEPHISTOPHELES: And the lap-dog Pi-Low?
ASMODEUS: 14 provinces and 9 outposts. His main advantage is excellent defensive terrain and a fairly compact realm. Moderately prosperous, continued colonisation is expected to increse revenues. Only one province, Santal, lies between him and Karmulek's Empire - and Li-Pow's centre of trade is awfully vulnerable in Ganges.
MEPHISTOPHELES: So he's still in the running, is he?
ASMODEUS: Definitely. He is incapable of taking on any of the other three Eldar alone, but he doesn't need to. With his central position he is guaranteed a strategic alliance with somebody. Of course, should he doublecross Elderan, it might become awfully lonely there for a while.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Lonely, but certainly not dull.
ASMODEUS: As you say, Mephistopheles. Now as to our wannabe-deity, Karmulek the Slayer, he is ahead with 31 provinces. They are, however, uniformly poorer than those of Elderan. His consolation price is his many grain provinces, that help feed his armies, but decades of war have taken their toll on his economy. To safeguard his centre of trade, Malacca, from invasion, expect him to conquer Atjeh soon followed by colonisation of the Southern part of Atjeh. He will deeply regret it should Elderan or Pi-Low get a foothold from which to launch invasions in the south, given the otherwise perfect defensability of his land. Good terrain for defense, countless enemies can die while besieging fortresses in the marshs or the mountains.
MEPHISTOPHELES: And the Lord of Balrogs?
ASMODEUS: If it is he, that is, he controls 23 provinces and 7 outposts - and he has got to be annoyed by the seemingly innocent trading posts Mysore has plopped down on Brunei and Flores. Economically and militarily he is a rival even, perhaps, for Elderan, and his might clearly surpasses that of Pi-Low and Karmulek... But he has got a much larger and disjoint territory to defend, as well as near constant revolts in Nippon proper. In order to defend such a large realm, he is forced to field a huge army and a substantial fleet which cannot be inexpensive. Best bet is that he will lie low while gathering strength.
MEPHISTOPHELES: We'll be right back after this 50 minutes commercial for aftershave.
SEDUCTIVE FEMALE VOICE: If you thought war was hell, just wait for the Garrotte aftershave. That clean shave that leaves you a new man once the acid burns disappear. Why, several of my best boyfriends used the Garotte before I did them in. Garotte - because I am worth it. Now you may be wondering what I'll be doing the next 48 minutes of the commercial: And I'll tell you the dark secret: I'll be singing some of the jolly jingles, that we all love and adore. Unfortunately, the Orchestra wasn't available today, but that hardly matters since I can't sing.
Western Asia, 1498
Eastern Asia, 1498
The players for this 1460-1498 were:
Dai Viet: Karmulek (Thanak) the Slayer, the wannabe-deity
Gujarat: Elderan (Wyvern) the Lord of Lightning, Drainer of Life, Possessor
Mysore: Pi-Low (Eochaid) the lazy, mean, and twisted coward (his own description )
Nippon: Gothmog (Peter Ebbesen) the Lord of Balrogs, High-Captain of Angband.
[As the contestants enter the last kilometer of the race, Colonel Custer is still in the lead, riding his hobby horse for all it is worth. However, he has by no means won yet, as three politicians, a religious fundamentalist compassionate conservative, a freedom loving deficit-spending social democrat, and an euro-weenie-commie-pinko-cryto-communist keep flogging their dead horses like there's no tomorrow. Which is fair enough. As they draw shoulder to shoulder and bone to bone with Custer, the last 200 meters will determine the race. This, of course, is when the camera is cut off, and we return to the studio]
DEEPLY PSYCHOTIC VOICE: Welllllcoooomee. To theee Hour of POOWEEERRRR!
MEPHISTOPHELES: Greetings and salutations! I'm Mephistopheles, and this is the Hour of Power. Our main topic tonight is the recent dramatic, dastardly, devilish, devious, deadly, and slightly deranged actions of the escaped Eldar on Earth#5. Right, Asmodeus?
ASMODEUS: Right, Mephistopheles. Couldn't have said it better myself.
MEPHISTOPHELES: I understand that there was a considerable amount of warfare taking place?
ASMODEUS: Sure was. But before we get into this, let me tell the viewers that we have a positive id on the Eldar in Mysore.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Shoot!
[Asmodeus waves a hand and shoots a bar of flame at a cameraimp, who is instantly reduced to ashes. The old ones are the best, and this never fails to please the audience.]
[canned laughter superimposed on an insane jingle blasts the audience at 120 db]
ASMODEUS: Our intrepid journalists, or at least the one who survived, I couldn't care less about the losers, who were incinerated, have identified the Eldar as Pi-Low the twisted.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Never heard of him.
ASMODEUS: No reason you should. An abject coward, with a mean and twisted spirit, he fell from grace because it was too much hard work polishing his halo. Also known as the lazy he was suspected lost aeons ago, and little loss it was.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Sounds like a real loser, but how do you explain his apparent success, then?
ASMODEUS: While he suffers from so many of the weaknesses of the humans, there is one thing he doesn't lack. Intelligence. Make that two things, intelligence and cunning, as witnessed by his ingratiating himself with the superior Elderan. While he is much weaker than Elderan, it is not impossible that he tries to maintain a low posture in order to appear insignificant, while others waste their energies in fruitless wars. In fact, he may be lying low just waiting for his chance to go for the throat.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Scaryyyyy.
ASMODEUS: Or he may just be too scared of acting alone. While acknowledged cunning and intelligent, nobody ever said he was wise. Senior officials within the government of Mysore tell of a top-secret reinforced hideaway capable of surviving the direct impact of projectiles up to the mass of a kilo-elephant being built at ruinous cost. Sounds like somebody is playing it safe.
[canned 'Booohs!']
ASMODEUS: Meanwhile, let's talk about wars and suffering. Notice this unretouched painting of starving peasants? See the cruel oppression of the peasantry by the nobility in this state of the art wood-cut? Or how about this image of the return of the prodigal son. Notice the warmth of his parents at his return - you can almost feel their good wishes, up close - and notice his demented visage and the large and bloody cleaver grasped in his right hand, leaving a trail of blood. These pictures are only a few out of legions. Such scenes take place even as we speak!
MEPHISTOPHELES: And you can buy genuine authentic faux replicas from the official Hour of Power fanshops at the low price of a slightly tarnished soul per image.
ASMODEUS: Must you, Mephistopheles?
MEPHISTOPHELES: You wouldn't believe the overhead of this show. And I get percentages of the net.
ASMODEUS: I see. Well, these three decades were dominated by the carving up of India between Elderan and Pi-Low. Elderan got the rich and populous provinces with high manpower in the west, while Pi-Low got the moderately prosperous provinces with low manpower in the east. In addition Pi-Low took control of the centre of trade in Ganges, while Elderan took a bite out of the Timurid Empire and began conquering Oman. Together, the two Eldar waged war (unsuccesfully) on Karmulek, who also made moderate gains in China. Elderan and Pi-Low tried to force Karmulek to free parts of his conquests, but he refused outright, preferring to go down in flames rather than submit.
MEPHISTOPHELES: And did he go down in flames?
ASMODEUS: No, the dynamic duo forgot to actually fight after a few years of war, thus ending the war prematurely.
[canned 'Boooohs']
[A mighty trumpet blast shatters the air, several cameras, a dozen imps, and sets fire to Asmodeus hair. He doesn't notice]
ASMODEUS: Wait a moment, I've got an id on the Nipponese Eldar. One of my spys has infiltrated the Nipponese court, and he is returning right now
[An imp materialises in front of Asmodeus. He is on fire]
IMP: Master, it is Gothmog, the fiery one.
ASMODEUS: It cannot be! He is slain!
IMP: The High-Captain, the Lord of his Kind, the slayer of Fëanor, Fingon, and Echtelion, it is him. His touch is upon me!
[The imp is reduced to a smouldering heap of ashes in a sudden burst of flame, hot as the heart of a nova]
ASMODEUS: I'll be damned...
MEPHISTOPHELES: I believe you already are. Would you care to elaborate?
ASMODEUS: I can scarcely believe my late servant's claim. Does the name Melkor ring a bell?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Sure, I used to collect Dark Lord trading cards.
ASMODEUS: Well, before Melkor was defeated, he was served by many powers greater and lesser. After Utumno was lost, he retreated to Angband, and his High-Captain was the lord of the greatest of his servants, the Demons of Might, the Balrogs.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Ah yes, ancient history. He was slain in a Gondol, right?
ASMODEUS: Gondolin. By the blessed hand of Echtelion, who perished in bringing him down.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Same thing. So, did this Gothmog have much experience with ruling?
ASMODEUS: Some. He was better known for his destructiveness and battle prowess. It must please his malign mind no end to live in the utter chaos of Nippon. Assuming it is him, of course. However, he does not appear in any of the archives of the Eldar that we have access to, which makes the claim suspect. On the other hand, Zoryan was very thorough in erasing information on the Eldar following his victory.
MEPHISTOPHELES: I see. Does this change the strategic picture?
ASMODEUS: Somewhat. With Elderan, Pi-Low, and Karmulek at war again - this time only separated by the province of Santal, Gothmog can build his armies in peace. In fact, he has already begun doing so - notice the colonisation and conquest of Brunei. This is fully in line with Melkor's modus operandi, which was to build an impregnable defense and then strike with overwhelming force, here denying enemies vital naval bases for the invasion of his headquarters.
MEPHISTOPHELES: As far as I remember, Melkor usually struck in haste.
ASMODEUS: Well, he planned not to. Perhaps Gothmog has learned his lesson.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Yeah, right. So what is the tally, Asmodeus?
ASMODEUS: Well, Elderan controls 26 provinces and at least six outposts, including the richest parts of India and Persia. He can field large armies and support them for years on end, and controls several centres of trade.
MEPHISTOPHELES: And the lap-dog Pi-Low?
ASMODEUS: 14 provinces and 9 outposts. His main advantage is excellent defensive terrain and a fairly compact realm. Moderately prosperous, continued colonisation is expected to increse revenues. Only one province, Santal, lies between him and Karmulek's Empire - and Li-Pow's centre of trade is awfully vulnerable in Ganges.
MEPHISTOPHELES: So he's still in the running, is he?
ASMODEUS: Definitely. He is incapable of taking on any of the other three Eldar alone, but he doesn't need to. With his central position he is guaranteed a strategic alliance with somebody. Of course, should he doublecross Elderan, it might become awfully lonely there for a while.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Lonely, but certainly not dull.
ASMODEUS: As you say, Mephistopheles. Now as to our wannabe-deity, Karmulek the Slayer, he is ahead with 31 provinces. They are, however, uniformly poorer than those of Elderan. His consolation price is his many grain provinces, that help feed his armies, but decades of war have taken their toll on his economy. To safeguard his centre of trade, Malacca, from invasion, expect him to conquer Atjeh soon followed by colonisation of the Southern part of Atjeh. He will deeply regret it should Elderan or Pi-Low get a foothold from which to launch invasions in the south, given the otherwise perfect defensability of his land. Good terrain for defense, countless enemies can die while besieging fortresses in the marshs or the mountains.
MEPHISTOPHELES: And the Lord of Balrogs?
ASMODEUS: If it is he, that is, he controls 23 provinces and 7 outposts - and he has got to be annoyed by the seemingly innocent trading posts Mysore has plopped down on Brunei and Flores. Economically and militarily he is a rival even, perhaps, for Elderan, and his might clearly surpasses that of Pi-Low and Karmulek... But he has got a much larger and disjoint territory to defend, as well as near constant revolts in Nippon proper. In order to defend such a large realm, he is forced to field a huge army and a substantial fleet which cannot be inexpensive. Best bet is that he will lie low while gathering strength.
MEPHISTOPHELES: We'll be right back after this 50 minutes commercial for aftershave.
SEDUCTIVE FEMALE VOICE: If you thought war was hell, just wait for the Garrotte aftershave. That clean shave that leaves you a new man once the acid burns disappear. Why, several of my best boyfriends used the Garotte before I did them in. Garotte - because I am worth it. Now you may be wondering what I'll be doing the next 48 minutes of the commercial: And I'll tell you the dark secret: I'll be singing some of the jolly jingles, that we all love and adore. Unfortunately, the Orchestra wasn't available today, but that hardly matters since I can't sing.
Western Asia, 1498
Eastern Asia, 1498
The players for this 1460-1498 were:
Dai Viet: Karmulek (Thanak) the Slayer, the wannabe-deity
Gujarat: Elderan (Wyvern) the Lord of Lightning, Drainer of Life, Possessor
Mysore: Pi-Low (Eochaid) the lazy, mean, and twisted coward (his own description )
Nippon: Gothmog (Peter Ebbesen) the Lord of Balrogs, High-Captain of Angband.
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