Murmurandus said:
Bah, numbers don't matter, quality does and our friend Suhung has an abundant amount of that...
Quality
or quantity? We've got both!
_ _ _ _ _
Now, I've spent lots of time trying to make this. Many an idea popped into my head, but what I've lacked was a context to link all of them, so don't be surprised if the result comes out as... less then glorious...
Chapter Nine
Part five: Assam goes international
AKA the part where comments under the title are about the comments under the title... wait what?
Suhung was having trouble falling asleep since his father died. It wasn't memories that haunted him - suppressing those memories was a lot cheaper then the 100$ an hour, five hours per day, two day per week psychiatrist solution. 'Twas wind. He woke up his wife-sister and asked
"Woman, why is it so drafty around here?"
"Ever since (R. C.) ascended, he knocked down the fourth wall." she said "You said you'd fix it, but noo, the state needs the money, we need new troops, new paintings, there's no money for the poor fourth wall to be fixed;"
"Shut it woman."
_ _ _
Ting, the old discipline adviser died from Pneumonia, and Suhung's wife couldn't resist saying "Told you so" one time too many. She committed suicide by knocking herself out, tying herself up and then throwing her unconscious self into a cage with a pack of starved tigers a day later.
Suhung then held a grand hiring fair to get himself a new adviser. Let's check it out.
7th December, 1506 - Royal palace of Assam
Among the throng of men that found themselves desiring a job, only a few were let in. Since the unfortunate demise of Suhung's old wife, the following functions were no longer needed: Pool cleaner, pool cleaner's assistant, gardener, gardener's assistant, and, of course, the choir of south Africa.
Those that were let in were from all over the known and unknown world. The King interviewed them all at once.
"Hello, Le Majesty, I am Le Pierre, Le Artiste."
"No hablo ingles, senor." said a man holding a huge metal cross in his hands
"Hello! My name is Norat, I like you! I like Banking too! It's nice."
The last man was holding a book. It seems to have been a dictionary.
The King's new wife asked
"Why can't that guy understand our language and just speak with a ridiculous stereotypical accent like everyone else?"
"Plot purposes honey, you'd never understand." Suhung waved his hand
The man opened his book, flipped a few pages. He put on a "eureka" type expression on his face and said
"My nipples explode with delight" and looked all happy
"Ah, you must be the Hungarian! Guards, give him a tour of our dungeons."
The Guards gripped the Hungarian man and dragged him away, his face looking all confused he moaned "Your hovercraft is full of eels!"
"See woman? I told you." Suhung said, looking all proud and mighty, continuing
"Allright walking stereotypes, show me what you can do."
Le Pierre was first
"Le Majesty, I make a poem, just for you! Hear it!
I was born in Le France a lot of years ago,
and I worked as a part of a traveling show
I got bored and ran away from Le Show
And to get here I passed mountains full of snow
One of your guards tried to shoot me with a bow
Because he told me to go away and I said "Le no"
Please accept my skills and take me as your adviser
Since the Russian guy is dumb and the Spaniard is no wiser."
"I think we have a winner! Now, if you'd excuse me, I've got to go and crush some rebels."
_ _ _ _ _
The rebels were soon crushed. A siege ensued.
Suhung had the feeling that he was being followed, but that was rendered irrelevant when he was greeted by his chief engineer, who explained to him that he has managed to revolutionize siege warfare. He has constructed a cannon so large that it will take any fortress in a matter of days!
Suhung wanted to see this "kannon" in action and positioned himself to see it fire.
"Holy cow! That thing's huge!" he thought, staring at the giant metal tube entrenched in the mountain.
He got over the initial shock and signaled with his hand for the engineer to give out the order to fire.
"Feuer ze oversized kannon!"
Booooooooom
Suhung couldn't see anything for an hour or so, until the smoke cleared up. The cannon missed it's target, or so it seemed, but the horrified denizens of the sieged town surrendered. They were terrified!
"Engineer man! You're hired! Just a couple of questions: Could you make the oversized cannon a little less oversized so that it may see battlefield use?
And can you;"
"I've expected questions,
mein herr, but I didn't expekt ze Spanish Inquisition;"
"No-one expekts ze Spanish Inquisition!" the spanish guy jumped out of a bush
"Guaaards!"
_ _ _ _ _
Several days later, somewhere in Scotland...
*Swoooooooooooooosh*
*thud*
*crack*
"What did ya do to me house!?!"
_ _ _ _ _
Too many Monty references? Big Gun jokes? Going a bit overboard? May be so, maybe not. Let's see what happens later in the next episode of this Assam AAR!