• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

The_Shepherd

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I would like to voice my support for this AAR, and say a shout out to all the (Regencies out there!
 

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Reading this has kept me entertained at work today - I'm the only one in the office because everyone else was snowed in. Please continue!
 

L Lawliet

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The_Shepherd said:
I would like to voice my support for this AAR, and say a shout out to all the (Regencies out there!
Many thanks!

davinewrath said:
Reading this has kept me entertained at work today - I'm the only one in the office because everyone else was snowed in. Please continue!
Happy to oblige :cool:

Chapter Nine

Part Four: Weirdness and war
In almost every way possible

"Allrighty then. I've killed, maimed and caught the narrator - not necessarily in that order. Now I will have to continue this... reality show thing, myself. I'm sure we'll have a great time together. Until I can get a new narrator, that is. But enough talking about me, let's talk about me some more.
I'm a good ruler. I may not be a Timur or a Caesar, but I'm... Whatever, moving on. I'm a good general, or so they say. I can shock the SH*T out of people. For instance, when fighting rebels, here's what enemy soldiers said about my shock factor:"

"Oh my God... What's he doing with that bear?! Oh, the humanity! Is that a power drill up his water mill?! Ah, my eyes!"


"The enemies tried to compensate for it by giving their soldiers safety goggles. Suffice to say, it didn't go well. Let's hear it:"

"Oh God! My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"



"Yeah, I'm THAT great. Hah. Now, let's talk country policies. I couldn't decide what to do for a long, long time. I could either introduce manly grunts and affectionate shoulder fist punches in the army (1 quality) or take away the right of citizens to spit on, bully, falcon punch or sodomize trees (1 centralization).
As any good tyrant, I took some rights away from my citizens. Some of our animist people took this badly."

Somewhere in the Animist Assamland

"And so, his royal greatness Suhung, chose to take away your rights to spit on, bully, falcon punch or sodomize trees for reasons of his own."
"OOGA-OOGA, Thunder God forbid it! We take sword, and crush his Kinglyness!"

"I see..."



"As you can see, they've quickly overwhelmed the local garrisons and started to siege some other place I don't care of. I'll kill them all, as usual.

In other news, my nephew Naive has blurted out in front of the nobles that I can't do anything about anything. They, of course, being the jackals they are, swooshed in and demanded power. I gave them a really powerful punch in the head with an axe and went on with my business."




"Oh, and here comes our new narrator now! You just take over and I'll go torture a peasant, m'kay."


Well.. uh, this is awkward.
And so the King went on, punching peasants and taking their rights away for quite some time and crushed them pretenders that pretended to be a serious threat to the Kingdom.
Hah, I'm really good at this!
Anyways, you may be wondering why was this episode called "Weirdness AND war".
I think I'll let pictures speak instead.


First we find out that countries are at war. Countries we've never heard of.



And then this happens.

While hardly a life-threatening situation, it's still rather nasty. If Timurids can walk on water, that is. Bwahaha!
________

I've got something special in store for you for the next episode. Might be good, might suck ass. Find out what it is in the next episode of this obviously Assam AAR!
 
Last edited:

Murmurandus

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Bah, numbers don't matter, quality does and our friend Suhung has an abundant amount of that... :D
 

L Lawliet

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Murmurandus said:
Bah, numbers don't matter, quality does and our friend Suhung has an abundant amount of that... :D
Quality or quantity? We've got both!
_ _ _ _ _

Now, I've spent lots of time trying to make this. Many an idea popped into my head, but what I've lacked was a context to link all of them, so don't be surprised if the result comes out as... less then glorious...

Chapter Nine

Part five: Assam goes international
AKA the part where comments under the title are about the comments under the title... wait what?


Suhung was having trouble falling asleep since his father died. It wasn't memories that haunted him - suppressing those memories was a lot cheaper then the 100$ an hour, five hours per day, two day per week psychiatrist solution. 'Twas wind. He woke up his wife-sister and asked
"Woman, why is it so drafty around here?"
"Ever since (R. C.) ascended, he knocked down the fourth wall." she said "You said you'd fix it, but noo, the state needs the money, we need new troops, new paintings, there's no money for the poor fourth wall to be fixed;"
"Shut it woman."

_ _ _

Ting, the old discipline adviser died from Pneumonia, and Suhung's wife couldn't resist saying "Told you so" one time too many. She committed suicide by knocking herself out, tying herself up and then throwing her unconscious self into a cage with a pack of starved tigers a day later.
Suhung then held a grand hiring fair to get himself a new adviser. Let's check it out.

7th December, 1506 - Royal palace of Assam

Among the throng of men that found themselves desiring a job, only a few were let in. Since the unfortunate demise of Suhung's old wife, the following functions were no longer needed: Pool cleaner, pool cleaner's assistant, gardener, gardener's assistant, and, of course, the choir of south Africa.

Those that were let in were from all over the known and unknown world. The King interviewed them all at once.

"Hello, Le Majesty, I am Le Pierre, Le Artiste."
"No hablo ingles, senor." said a man holding a huge metal cross in his hands
"Hello! My name is Norat, I like you! I like Banking too! It's nice."

The last man was holding a book. It seems to have been a dictionary.

The King's new wife asked
"Why can't that guy understand our language and just speak with a ridiculous stereotypical accent like everyone else?"
"Plot purposes honey, you'd never understand." Suhung waved his hand

The man opened his book, flipped a few pages. He put on a "eureka" type expression on his face and said
"My nipples explode with delight" and looked all happy

"Ah, you must be the Hungarian! Guards, give him a tour of our dungeons."
The Guards gripped the Hungarian man and dragged him away, his face looking all confused he moaned "Your hovercraft is full of eels!"

"See woman? I told you." Suhung said, looking all proud and mighty, continuing
"Allright walking stereotypes, show me what you can do."



Le Pierre was first
"Le Majesty, I make a poem, just for you! Hear it!

I was born in Le France a lot of years ago,
and I worked as a part of a traveling show

I got bored and ran away from Le Show
And to get here I passed mountains full of snow
One of your guards tried to shoot me with a bow
Because he told me to go away and I said "Le no"

Please accept my skills and take me as your adviser
Since the Russian guy is dumb and the Spaniard is no wiser.
"



"I think we have a winner! Now, if you'd excuse me, I've got to go and crush some rebels."


_ _ _ _ _

The rebels were soon crushed. A siege ensued.
Suhung had the feeling that he was being followed, but that was rendered irrelevant when he was greeted by his chief engineer, who explained to him that he has managed to revolutionize siege warfare. He has constructed a cannon so large that it will take any fortress in a matter of days!

Suhung wanted to see this "kannon" in action and positioned himself to see it fire.
"Holy cow! That thing's huge!" he thought, staring at the giant metal tube entrenched in the mountain.
He got over the initial shock and signaled with his hand for the engineer to give out the order to fire.



"Feuer ze oversized kannon!"

Booooooooom

Suhung couldn't see anything for an hour or so, until the smoke cleared up. The cannon missed it's target, or so it seemed, but the horrified denizens of the sieged town surrendered. They were terrified!

"Engineer man! You're hired! Just a couple of questions: Could you make the oversized cannon a little less oversized so that it may see battlefield use?
And can you;"

"I've expected questions, mein herr, but I didn't expekt ze Spanish Inquisition;"

"No-one expekts ze Spanish Inquisition!" the spanish guy jumped out of a bush
"Guaaards!"


_ _ _ _ _

Several days later, somewhere in Scotland...

*Swoooooooooooooosh*

*thud*

*crack*

"What did ya do to me house!?!"

_ _ _ _ _

Too many Monty references? Big Gun jokes? Going a bit overboard? May be so, maybe not. Let's see what happens later in the next episode of this Assam AAR!
 

The_Shepherd

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There are never enough Monty References! I now call upon you Lawiet, to close the meet'
in with a reference!
 

theconfusedone

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Monty reference! Didn't expect that :rofl:

World screenshot please? :D
 

Murmurandus

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Crap, the Spanish Inquisition... :eek::D
 

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Please tell me it's not dead :(
 

L Lawliet

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It is traditional to ask Did he die?
In this case, the answer is no. Just taking a small break from almost every form of work I can take a break from. Updates should start flowing in by the end of the month.
Thanks for caring though ~.~
 

L Lawliet

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I'm considering doing an update or two entirely in the form of a newspaper.
Not just one page, an entire actual newspaper with all the things that make it so annoying (some 30 pages at the most? We're talking about late medieval India afterall). Just my style.
All in favor voice your opinion.
(considering the size of my audience one or two votes should suffice).
 

Murmurandus

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Next to the Viagra Seller, maybe the only dedicated follower... What a feeling... I think... :D

Oh, and that newspaper idea sounds great!
 

theconfusedone

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Next to the Viagra Seller, maybe the only dedicated follower... What a feeling... I think... :D

Oh, and that newspaper idea sounds great!
Ehem! I'm the one who cared! :mad:

:p

Yeah go newspaper update! I'll vote yes for ANY update :D
 

L Lawliet

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Murmurandus said:
Next to the Viagra Seller, maybe the only dedicated follower... What a feeling... I think... :D

Oh, and that newspaper idea sounds great!
Viagra salesmen are people too, you know?

theconfusedone said:
Ehem! I'm the one who cared!

:p

Yeah go newspaper update! I'll vote yes for ANY update :D
You may have a spoiler. First page.



Still working some things out, but this will probably be the layout of the news for the time being.
 

Murmurandus

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That for sure looks like something interesting...:D
 

L Lawliet

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Anyone know a better way of retrieving files from a defective hard drive (namely old save game files) then staring at it and breathing heavily?

 

Murmurandus

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Euh, no... Doesn't your method work?:confused:

Maybe try OT-land?
 

Pal

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Nooooooooooo!!! :(

Now that I finally caught up with this gem I find it's dead??? *cries*
 

L Lawliet

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Save salvaged (best not to ask which foul demon I had to bargain with for it)! Expect a gameplay only update today. The newspaper project will probably be on hold... for a while.