• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

L Lawliet

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Duke of Wellington said:
Can you not arrange a revolution to overthrow the current dynasty?
An interesting idea, young grasshopper *strokes chin looking philosophical and stuff*, the centralization slider could serve me well there.

Chapter Six

Part Six: Pastime
Where we do nothing but watch time fly by

With half of his face burned off, a warning by Ming and almost no army the King dedicated himself to solving the issues of the Kingdom and it's loyal subjects.

After his attack hounds started to act up (since half of his face smelled like barbecue all the time) he dismissed them and solved problems without them.

First issue: A huge lack of manpower. The King disguised himself as a regular person and asked people why they wouldn't join the army.
Let's check out some of the conversations he had with his subjects.

"Hello there, random person."
"BAAAH DON'T HURT ME!!" *runs away*


"Hello, I'm.... Bob. What's your name?"
"Mommy? The smelly man is trying to talk to me."

And so for some days before he met a guy...
"Good sir, would you mind answering a question?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"What do you do for a living?"
"I am a high priest of Brahma, the Creator of our Universe and all the creatures in it.*"

"So, why do you do it?"
"To refine my spirit and my mind, and ...."
"Because chicks like it?"
"Yeah, sort of." the priest shrugged
"Then YOU should join the army." the King pointed to him excitedly
"Dude, castes. Remember?"

And so the King learned that the system sucks ass because if the smartest man on the world was born as a son of a cesspit cleaner, he'd have to be the smartest cesspit cleaner in the world. Reforms were needed to correct that.

And that's it for today. Watch us do nothing later, in the next episode of this more-boring-every-minute AAR.

*Disclaimer - if I made a mistake, feel free to correct me.
 
Last edited:

Nodscouterr

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unmerged(81390)

Maharaja of Fenno-Scandia
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The screenshots/fun-ness qouta is still off the charts! :cool:
 

Macknull

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Who needs action, those dialogues are awesome :D
 

L Lawliet

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@Duke of Wellington: I figure he'd have to stay from "big boned" people too.
@Nodscouterr: I'll do my best.
@Ahura Mazda: Let's hope it stays there, too.
@Macknull: I appreciate the compliment :D

Chapter Six

Part Seven: The End of Days.. or not?
Where finally something interesting happens

The day started well - the people of Many Poor finally embraced our wise rule and became our brothers in full.
Considering the wealth of the State, the King saw it fit to send old breakable beardy people to preach about what we believe in.
While the King's mental capacity can't figure out how something other then him could be considered divine, he let them do it anyways.
All paid by the state, of course. He even gave those beardy fellows four percent of his tax money to preach faster! They called it the Hairy-Dasa movement. Who cares?

With the huge weight of administrative tasks pressing the old King's back, he decided to kill SOMETHING before he goes completely nuts (he didn't already? who'd figure?) so he went out to chase some rebels down by the hills.
Buuut, by the time he figured out wheelchairs and cliffs don't mix, he was making squishy-bouncy sounds along the Himalayas. Suffice to say, it didn't go well for him.

He was still alive, though. By some miracle. He even witnessed the Biharians declare war on us. Wait, what? HOLY CRAP, WE'RE DOOMED!

Hold on, let me check.

33 thousand cavalrymen and that much spearmen against our six thousand spearmen? No matter, we've still got a good genera... Nope, we're dead.
And half of that number is spotted moving towards us. No, no, no, dead doesn't even begin to describe it.


So, we squirm trying to evade certain death. We send a Sneaky Super Squadron (SSS, to avoid nasty megalomaniac militia references) to siege the Bihari capital while our vassals siege Bangala (bangala bangala bangala...). To my great surprise, we win. And take Bangala.
Holy poo.
We won.

Here's our Empire at the time of the signing of the "Biharsux treaty".



The King died soon after. Find out about the new one - soon.
 
Last edited:

Nodscouterr

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Here's what you do: Make a nuke, it solves everything.
 

unmerged(145825)

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MOST excellent AAR you have going here sir!

Love the humour, more than a couple of great laughs here (Thankyou :D).

Will certainly continue to follow!
 

Throne

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Love the treaty name :rofl:
 

Murmurandus

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Hah, brilliant military tactics indeed!:D
 

L Lawliet

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@Nodscouterr: We barely have enough resources to make a boat with the ability to float. On water.
@Strategic Fail: A few more followers and I've got enough to form a cult! :D
@Throne: Winners make history, don't they?
@Murmurandus: I'm having more and more difficulty to justify semi-brilliant tactical and strategic undertakings by mentally challenged kings :|

Chapter Seven: A miracle?

Part one: Wrapped in glory

As soon as the good ol' SuKhRa died, the two of his incompetent sons tried to grab power for themselves.
However, a new contestant emerged. SuKhRa's bastard son, a brilliant young man, with a series of brilliant diplomatic and military triumphs, claimed the throne of Assam.

Unlike the fruit of generations of inbreeding which he was forced to call stepbrothers, his abilities were far beyond of any past Kings, and beyond any other Kings as well.
People from wide and far doubted his legitimacy, but a single talk with the King changed all that. People came from everywhere as his enemies, but left as friends for a lifetime, and despite his somewhat odd name, his greatness was undeniable.





However, there were some who felt threatened by this new ruler. They feared for their power which they have been building for generations on a web of corruption so complex even the Gods couldn't undo it, and others who suffered from the consequences of that very power came to him for help.
The first to rebel were, of course, Aristocrats, a byproduct of humanity, whose authority was based on "noble blood". They came to the King, demanding various concessions. The Scribes wrote it all down, and with slight alterations, the conversation between the King and the Nobles was recorded as follows:

"I, lord Nameissolongicantevenpronounceit + 20 long titles, come to you, King, as a representative of the Nobility, to demand what is rightfully mine. And that's all you have!"
*diabolical laughter*

The King whistled, looked around and said "Servant, is there anyone here? I seem to hear odd noises. Something about some greedy fat bastards demanding the State's money. Did you hear anything?""
"No sire, nothing at all."
The fat greedy bastards left in shame.

And, the Peasants came to the King later, asking for his help, since the greedy fat bastards decided to lash out on them.

After hearing a helpless peasant's cry for help, "Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!", he decided to make some concessions to the peasantry. For instance, the Miners had the right to pause for air every 2 hours instead once per day, and the farmers no longer needed to give 120% of their income to the nobles.

In addition, he helped them and reformed the society for the better. No longer could greedy fat bastards AKA "nobles" oppress the poor. That became the King's duty.
To protect the Poor, I mean. Not oppress.

In addition to being superb all the time, he took his time to reform the administration, dividing the Kingdom into two administrative units to lighten the burden of the beaurocracy.

He finished his father's work of converting the province of Naga (warcraft 3 reference not intended?) and witnessed the war of the Unspellable Succession.



Rather nice first days, don't you think?

______
Note: The events were: Nobles demand recompensation (I chose to ignore them, -1 stab), and some random peasants demand rights (1 free subjects, -1 stab, I listened to their calls).
 
Last edited:

Murmurandus

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Oops, a decent king! He's going to kick the bucket pretty soon probably!:D
 

unmerged(174602)

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Make sure this one gets life insurance or better yet, make a pact with the devil: In return for extending his life and smiting your enemies you will provide Satan (or whatever you have down there) with the souls of a dozen nobles every year.

Two birds with one stone eh? :D
 

L Lawliet

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AAAAND it's dead. Or at least in a coma. The new beta reacts negatively to the mod version I'm running and to the save game I have. I won't end the AAR yet, since I believe that Assam prevails (tm) and I'll try to fix it. ASAP.

Here's an image of the process, step by step.



I'll see you lovely little forumites later, in the next episode of this Assam AAR. Hopefully...

*vanishes in a cloud of smoke*
 

Murmurandus

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And I'd be happy to see the AAR of the recovery process for sure... ;):D
 

L Lawliet

Colonel
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:(
It would seem that no version of the Rising Nations mod is compatible with IN 3.2 and unless Convictolitavis (sp?) decides to make an obsolete version of the mod compatible, I fear that I will have no means by which to bring this to life.

However, I can still try to amuse you with text-only updates about things I already did!
Hey, there's one right there! Let's go check it out!

Chapter Seven


Part two: A brief pause

And so our new King decided that it was him who should be the one who would bring the State's vassals into our full protection. He couldn't, because the Taungu-eese didn't like us enough. So he held a speech about how Assam and Taungu are "Two brothers in a storm that is reality, and should one fall the other is doomed as well", and that Assam as the "big brother" should be allowed the access to the means by which it would protect it's vassal the best possible way. He also held a long monologue about the need of Assam to stand up for it's vassal, and despite being obliged two-fold to defend them already (by vasselage itself and by an alliance), he announced that "any enemy of Taungu is an enemy of Assam, and that if they choose to face Taungu's armies in the field of battle, they will meet those armies led by himself and backed by the free men of Assam".

That did do wonders, but not enough wonders to actually annex Taungu.
He needed to outright bribe them into submission.
So he went into the Treasury only to see that it is empty.
When asked what happened, his treasurer started a story:

"Well, you see, a wizard approached him with his entourage. He promised to kill every single chinese person in the world for the entire treasury of Assam."
The King already prepared his hand for facepalm action and said "Continue."
"The King, rationally, demanded a demonstration of his awesome power. The wizard then claimed that he would kill and revive his entourage just for the King.
And he waved his wand and all of the people fell to earth silently, looking all dead. He did it again and they got up, lookin' bewildered.
So the Wizard said that he wanted half of the money in advance and half of the money right then. And he got it. And we never heard from him again."

"Well, I can hardly say I'm surprised. I've only met the man once and I know he's capable of this."

And that was the end of the attempt to annex Taungu by peace.

Now let's switch to King Propaganda Weekly, Q&A session. (theatre performance, validity questionable)
Q: Why is the current King's diplomacy rating so much higher then that of the Kings before him?

A: Let's take an example from real life instead of droning on and on and on about abstract definitions.
The previous King asked his wife to marry him like this:
"Come, let me put this ring on your finger
then like a smell around you I will forever linger"
and then kidnapped her when she said no

while the current King first wrote a sonet and then sent ten cows to her parents and THEN kidnapped her. Next question please?

Q: And his military rating? I'd bet SuKhRa could beat the guy up any time, any place!

A: My simple friend, military rating isn't as simple as the ability to beat up someone.
It is the ability to guide others into beating up people without them getting beaten up in the process that counts.
For instance: SuKhRa would lead his troops like hillbillies into a straightforward charge against enemy cavalry and then run away when he lost.
Sudangpha learned the importance of military manoeuvers, so he arranged his pikemen into small square formations with some distance between them and placed his archers behind the gaps. Whenever enemy cavalry tried to flank one of the squares, archers killed them, and whenever they tried to kill the archers, pikemen flanked them. Get it now?

Of course you don't. Then let me simplify it for you: if you joined the Army in SuKhRa's time, chances were 0:1 that you would make it out alive. With Sudangpha you can pretty much reverse the numbers. Get it now?
Good.
Now go and clean the rest of the theatre, show's over!

(as we can conclue, the fifteenth century theatre didn't quite impress the peasants. At least the cleaner guy liked it)


Until next time, my followers!
 

L Lawliet

Colonel
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Dec 25, 2008
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I tried to think about the situation and I heard my inner voice. It said "review your sliders...." in a really spooky voice.
So I moved +1 to innovative and I think that I found a possible solution.
Copy the save to a safe place, reinstall the game and patch it to 3.1, install the mod and copy the save back.
Too much work for this AAR? Worth it?
Does the audience approve?
Yay or nay?