• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

L Lawliet

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Murmurandus said:
Wow astonishing diplomatic feat... :eek::D
Especially considering our Ruler's diplomatic attributes :eek:

Chapter Five

Part seven: Justice
Now with more conciseness! (Yes, that's a word. Look it up.)

Our war exhausted state was in a bad... state...
Haunted by rebels and unfortified. But Pimpaa fixed it. I won't bore you with details, but Taungu's money worked it's magic and now, three to five years later we're back and better then ever.

Taungu annexed Pegu and now we don't have to leech from them indirectly (half of Pegu's tax goes to Taungu, half of who's tax goes to us etc.) and can annex a lot more land. Eventually.

There's just the small matter of bringing justice to the Bluemen, who, like Taungu we let slide the last time (lols what you might ask).

But, I'm boring you here. Let's skip to the important stuff.



We declare war and attack their main army, kill it after learning the true meaning of Ping Pong and disperse to siege.
The Bengalese eventually tire of playing war and peace out on *our* terms.

Ten years later:











Who will we crush next? Will we be able to crush anyone? See that, and SO much more in the next installment of this Assam AAR! (Awesome action report).

Also, tell me what you like and dislike about the AAR people! I can't get better if I don't know what I'm doing wrong!
 

sprites

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yeah assam!
about the size they had when i inherited them :D
 

Nodscouterr

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I like your AAR and always have. But next time you Dow me in my Tibet game, try not to be killed and vassalised so easily...
 

L Lawliet

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Sprites said:
yeah assam!
about the size they had when i inherited them :D
Playing as who, if may I ask?

Nodscouterr said:
I like your AAR and always have. But next time you Dow me in my Tibet game, try not to be killed and vassalised so easily...
Thanks for the compliment.
And don't worry, next time I won't let you go as easily as I did then.... :rofl:

Chapter Six: Consolidation

Part one: Memories

Supimpha the First was remembered as a hero, a hero who brought Assam from ruins to glory once again.
His death was mourned by all - his friends, his subjects and even his enemies. For his incredible successes despite grim odds, he was destined to be the first of Assam Kings to be known as "Great", this one in particular with good reason. His rule was 24 years. That's 5 times longer then the average Assam King lifespan. How do you not mourn someone when your father can't remember the ruler before him?
His vast riches enabled him to bring the best teachers money could buy for his son, but, unfortunately, even the best and brightest couldn't do much without straining the young King's abysmal mental capacity. He was infamous for his sudden outbursts of rage, which may have crippled his diplomatic capabilities but at least allowed him to bring in more heads, which were without bodies, as is proper. As long as blood flowed it didn't matter who it belonged to. Rebels, enemies, sometimes even court members, their blood is red, whether they choose to believe so or not.

Without further ado, meet our new King - Sukampha Khora Raja I



The middle name sounds Khmer-ish, doesn't it?
He starts off at the right foot, so to speak. Our mission is:



It may sound absolutely ridiculous to be the first to climb the Everest (not first really. At all.) by some 400 and more years before the historical date, but a core is a core.
The description, "Conquer the Everest or people won't take us seriously" sounds serious. Ly hilarious. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Since Bihar took the Everest first, we're must relieve them of the administrative burden that is Everest.

First we'll do the same to Bengal regarding their capital. I'm sure the "sultan" would very much enjoy spending the rest of his life as a poor man or beneath a very sharp axe (a short life. I won't hold my axe over him for 10 years or something, I'm not demented) then managing all that land.



Anyways, that's it for the introduction. See more later, or sooner if I feel like editing in more content. In this Assam Action Report. And stuff.
 

sprites

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Playing as who, if may I ask?
playing as vijayanagar ^^
i inherited 4 of my 5 personnal unions of that game (manchu(=ming) , assam and 2 indian minors)
 

L Lawliet

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Here's my attempt at making a funny.

Chapter Six

Part two: Bureaucracy and DOOM

"So and then I sent a diplomat to Taungu to try and make a royal marriage. He returned, which they never did, so I knew there was trouble. He said it can't be done. So I killed him and went there myself.

Oddly enough the King himself wasn't waiting for me and sent a clerk instead. I said - What the hell is going on? You think my daughter is ugly or somethin'? She's the only one with all the teeth left!

And he said "No, my lord, but we can't royally marry since we're a subject. We don't decide about that."
"Right, you're a subject. And you can't marry. And you can't decide. Who's your master?"
"Assam." the clerk shrugged
"And who's the King of Assam?" SuKhRa pointed to himself subtly
"You are."

"And what's the problem, then?"
"We can't marry. We're subjects."
"Subjects to ME!!! I DECIDE!"
"But we're subjects. We can't do that."

"I'll kill your whole family and your dog!"
"What did my dog do wrong?" he tilted his head
"HAHA! I knew it! Nobody cares about clerks!" SuKhRa laughed maniacally "Now marry off my daughter!"
"Told you, we're subjects. Can't do."
"Subjects to me. Can do."

"Can't."
"Can!"
"CAN NOT GOD DAMNIT!"
"Sir, if you want an argument, please go to the room number four. I don't do arguments."
"Silence! I am your King!"
"Well I didn't vote for you."
"Why YOU LITTLE...!!"
And so it was once again concluded that axes speak louder then words.
"
*Ahem*

So, we can't marry our subjects because they are subjects. To us but still are subjects. And THAT just sucks. Fix it Paradox!

Well, anyways, our wise and mighty ally, Shan, who was once our vassal declares war on some one province minor. We sheepishly follow only to find out that they are allied with the Mad Mega Ming. So we are now at war with the country who's military is, literally, dozens of times the size of our own.
What the hell should we do?
This isn't David vs. Goliath! This is a man with all of his limbs broken armed with a wooden stick versus a legion of ten foot giants armed with lightsabers!
We try to peace out ASAP, of course.

Now more then ever, our destiny is uncertain. See what happens next.. soon!
 

nsahn

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...So, we can't marry our subjects because they are subjects. To us but still are subjects. And THAT just sucks. Fix it Paradox!...
It states in the original EU3 manual that the overlord is able to enter into royal marriages with his vassals. Maybe they removed this feature so that vassals couldn't get into succession wars? Or maybe to further nerf diplo-annexations? Either way I agree; it does seem illogical.
 

Nodscouterr

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Seriously mate, you say ''Read me Swiss picturAAR'' in every fricking post you make. Just put it in your signature!
 

L Lawliet

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The sudden bump up of the post count got me excited I must admit. Anyways, feedback:
nsahn said:
It states in the original EU3 manual that the overlord is able to enter into royal marriages with his vassals. Maybe they removed this feature so that vassals couldn't get into succession wars? Or maybe to further nerf diplo-annexations? Either way I agree; it does seem illogical.
Perhaps it is so that you can't get into a PU as the minor partner with your vassal? Who knows, mysterious are the ways of Paradox.

kfijatass said:
You mean - "REINCARNATION damn it"
Not all Hindu's believed in one God, you know :p

Read me Swiss PicturAAR ^^
Answer in the update :D

Also I do read your AAR. As I have stated multiple times. In the thread of the AAR itself.

Chapter Six

Part three: Religion and less DOOM

A missionary approaches
"Sir, on the behalf of the official Jesus fan club, more known as the Christian Church, I demand an apology for misusing God's name in vain."
"What?"
"An apology."
"So, you Christians have one God, eh?"
"Yes, and he is our Lord and Savior." the missionary nodded.
"Well, you see, we're not as poor as you" SuKhRa points "to have only one God." SuKhRa snaps his fingers once. *drumroll sound*

"No you git, not that!" he snaps his fingers again. A wooden screech is heard and the missionary falls into an abyss that just emerged
"You son of a silly person, I wanted you to take him out!"
A small man emerges behind the giant throne and lets a lever go
"Um.. sire? I'm not a homo..."
SuKhRa facepalms furiously, having now learned the lesson that one should never underestimate the stupidity of the average person.

But, what about the war with Ming, you ask?
First, an overview of the brown sea the King must dig himself out of.



As you can see, it's pretty obvious that we're just a pixel compared to a HD image here. A violin compared to an orchestra of millions. But, we are the Taunter that turned away King Arthur in the Monty Python and the Holy Grail too!

So we wait. And we wait. And after a while the chinamen come to us. Rumor has it that the King held the left flank by himself, slashing and cutting people in half with his battleaxe. The rest of the troops did... poorly, to say at best. And that was just the 2000 infantry they sent as scouts!

In the second round of "Kill the yellow dude" we did better, since the troops decided to leave all the fighting to the King himself. He was challenged by 1550 troops. He killed five hundred and returned to his troops for a new axe.
By then Shan, fully occupied, gave up their lands to Ming. We consider ourselves lucky since we're not Alliance leaders, so we get to be at peace too. DOOM alert off.
After that, they allow us to buy their toys, guns, cheap shoes and American flags again.

The King berzerked about nobody being berzerk in battle on the court. Only one man agreed with him, and tried to introduce something called "Disciplined frenzy". That's when we assemble the troops and they pick one village out of ten to plunder and leave the rest unharmed. Does wonders, he says.

And the results of the war are: Everybody wins. Except for Shan, but we don't care about them so it's a win for us anyways.



But we have a direct border with them now and they stole our animists. That's bad. But, I'll handle it. I guess.

Disclaimer: I didn't intend to insult anyone's religion... directly... AND NO, I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR NEIGHBOR'S BANANAS!
 

Murmurandus

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Them look big and scary... time to attack...:D
 

Nodscouterr

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No, they're will be no more updates it's over.

















Bet you fell of your chair there :D.
 

L Lawliet

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Of course there will be updates! Just not very soon. I'm conjuring up new updates but real life just hates me doing that so it throws all it has on me to keep me just one bit too busy to write it. And THAT just sucks.
 

L Lawliet

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Duke of Wellington said:
I do so dislike seeing the Ming machine rolling towards me. :(
Me too! Oh, and, sorry about Bhutan :p:cool:

Chapter Six

Part Four: Odd noises

"Hey you!" said the King pointing his royal finger to a servant
"Yes, your bloodthirstyness?" the servant bowed deeply
"I wanted to ask you for the last couple of days, what where those odd thumping sounds the last few days? They seem to have gone today."

"Well, sir, remember the man who barged in demanding an apology? I think that was him."
"I thought our Doom Pit was infinitely deep." the king frowned a bit
"Well, sir, we ran out of money on some...." the servant thought a bit "four meters depth."
"WHAT?!? WHAT KIND OF A DOOM PIT IS THAT? THAT'S MORE LIKE A POTHOLE OF DOOM! ONE COULDN'T EVEN TWIST HIS ANKLE IN THAT!!"
"I don't know sir!" the servant cowered "I didn't dig it!"


The servant was now squirming uncomfortably and sweating wildly. He knew why he got his job and how others lost it.

"Bah... so that guy is the one causing all the problems? I thought my Monkeh was having fun with a sheep again. Get me my nose picker!"

And the servant left, happy to have survived another day

Later that day, the King, with a mind full of energy and a nose with no green-yellow goo in it decided to try and expand his realm again. However, he soon realized that would be no easy task, since his archenemy, the sultan of Bengal suddenly converted to Hinduism. They say that in Islam the punishment for Apostasy is death, but since he was the only Muslim in the country, things went rather well, and as a new religious compatriot, he was guaranteed by the entire world. Known to us. Except for the Bad Brown Blob.

Such a shame. They'd be one awesome new province to have.

So he turned to the East. His weakling ally Shan WAS guaranteed by Ming China. The inability to expand anywhere but in Tibet was starting to drive the King nuts. An increasing number of graves were dug around the castle because of mysterious accidents, most involving servants, tripping, and the King's war axe. Also graves were dug for the morons who decided to make the King's Pit of Doom a bit too shallow.

The missionary was soon retrieved from the Pothole of Doom and sent home.
Due to his constant returns, he soon visited the Pothole again, this time for a week.

Oh, and Bihar embargoed us. And then unembargoed us. And then we royally married them. To us. And then they embargo us again. All despite the fact that we don't trade with them at all. And then they do it again. And again. So the next time we embargo them too and bring our army to the border.

The King got even more nuts and sent a diplomat to guarantee Ming's independence. The Diplomat returned in four boxes, but expert analysts say that our relations are now improved.

Slaves in Koch revolt. We then find out we actually have slaves and start to feel pretty darn good about ourselves. The King now stops killing servants and switches to slaves instead. Since they're cheaper and if they survive the beatings they've got no health insurance to speak of at all.



Obviously the Moses approach (let my people go or God smites you dead) doesn't work if you kill the Moses in question. And they say Egyptians were clever. Hah.


Soon, however, odd lightning bolts started to hit the castle. The King was soon confined to the Pothole of Doom with the weird missionary guy sometimes coming in to make him less sad.
Obviously killing prophets makes Gods angry. Who would have thought?
 

Nodscouterr

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Isn't clubbing the most efficient thing in, well, everything?
 

L Lawliet

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Duke of Wellington said:
Glad to see the king find a more efficient means of oppression. It should always be a number one concern.
Let them hate us, as long as they fear us :cool:

Nodscouterr said:
Isn't clubbing the most efficient thing in, well, everything?
SuKhRa is trying to make a club out of his axe by blunting it on every person he can. Such a friendly chap, ain't he?

Anyways, moving on.

Chapter Six

Part five: Mistakes

SuKhRa had three sons. His eldest son, his favorite as well was quite possibly the smartest man ever to walk the round thingy we call our home planet.

By the age of ten he was able to recite the Art of War backwards while solving square equations and fighting off a horde of angry pedo bears at the same time.
It was widely considered that he was the embodiment of the gods.
He died at age of eleven.

The rest of the glorious flock were, however, less then impressive.
The second son learned to walk at the age of nine, about the same time his younger brother learned to talk. While they may have lacked the intelligence, strength, stamina, height and eyesight of a common tapeworm, there's one thing they've had boatloads of.

Ambition.

While SuKhRa was cowering in his Pothole, they made sure that every day a sharp object fell in "by accident". After a bucket of halberds fell in one day, the King got out and had them arrested and thrown into the dungeons. About that time the lightnings started to strike again and he was fried a bit. True, he lost half of his face, but it's the inner beauty that counts, right?

No matter, moving on.
Ming warns Assam not to war. At all. SuKhRa runs in small circles waving his arms about until he drops into a coma. Meanwhile Ming disintegrates small nations all around us. Champa first. Brunei second. If they think that they can take us down as easily, they're sadly.... correct.

And with the "Make love not war or we'll make sure you can't do either" note from Ming, I leave you with the message to expect more updates soon, since this one was rather brief because, well, Real Life cares not for the small state of Assam and this AAR.
 
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