• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

L Lawliet

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Nodscouterr said:
Ah yes, those 3/3/3 regency councils. Well, at least it could be worse... or no wait, wait I don't think it could be any worse actually.
Well, if the next King was 3/3/3 as well, or if we didn't have a next King and got a Game Over that would be worse. Well, not sure if the second thing is worse.

Devilmay said:
Assamland shall survive :eek:o
Let's hope...

Murmurandus said:
Mmm, not so awesome anymore... :p
I blame Fidel.

Chapter Three

Part five: The cleansing fires

The Regent's health deteriorated significantly during the last few years. He changed all over, changing from a healthy man in his thirties to a man in his thirties that looked like a crippled century old woman fresh bled dry by a pack of angry leeches. Stress was getting to him, and he finally realized the situation the fledgling Empire was in.

Trading land for time was no longer an option and he knew it. Even those who voiced for his policy were beginning to doubt his wisdom, and whispers began of a rebellion to replace the Regent and overthrow the dynasty. He deserved no better then a slow death for his ineptitude and, and he knew that as well. So he decided to gamble - All or nothing. Death or glory.

He sent his servants to prepare his horse and told the nobles to wait for him outside the City.
His face hung low as he pondered the risks of his gamble. Did he have any other choice?

Anyways, he rode out to meet the remaining nobles - all ten of them - and greeted them, continuing with them towards the gathering army. Those were the last of the Empire's youth capable of holding a weapon - the rest were half dead, too young or underfed. Farms were deserted and homes were left as the last of the free men gathered from all sides with all the panoply of war.
As they marched to meet the enemy army, which outnumbered them vastly, the Regent took the lead, grabbed his sword tightly and yelled at the top of his lungs "LET THE GALAXY BURN!!"
Inspired by his courage or just by their will to fight, they rushed behind him, following closely.

He felt the rush of cold air on his face as he and his men charged headfirst into the mass of enemy infantry and started swinging his sword wildly left and right, killing one after another. Eventually the number of the rebels went down and they finally dispersed to the hills, where the Regent himself with his most loyal of men hunted them down and killed them, their families and their dogs. Not a single family in the whole province of Many Poor was left without a lost member.
To the Manipurians he was a villain, but in the eyes of his countrymen he went from zero to a hero in an eyeblink. His triumph was celebrated for an entire month as his troops reconquered the lost lands of Assam's domains, and the rumors of rebellion quickly went away.
Now all that was left was to wait for the Heir to mature. He has had enough of politics for ten lifetimes, not one.

He used his five minutes of glory to reform the army further without causing too much rage as he was the "savior" of Assam, even discovering a man talented in further increasing the discipline of his men.

But, he was, alas, unable to stop the rampant rebellions in the province of Chin, which defected to their ex owners, the Brown Barbarians, thus reducing the Domain of Assam to it's original territory plus the province of Many Poor.


(the status of Assam and it's enemies)


- - -
Will the game engine finally stop persecuting Assam for crimes it didn't commit? WILL THE REGENT FINALLY DIE? Find out in the next installment of this Assam AAR!
Also, how about my writing style? I get the feeling I'm scaring everyone away by trying to be serious here :rofl:
 
Last edited:

Nodscouterr

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Assam must retain it's past victoglory! At least conquer Ming with 1k infantry!

Also, how about my writing style? I get the feeling I'm scaring everyone away by trying to be serious here :rofl:
Seriously, if you're trying to write seriously, you're failing miserably :D
 

L Lawliet

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Surprise ninja double update!

Chapter Four: Gobar, the redneck King

Part one: Ruins of an Empire

Thursday 28th, April of the year of their Lord 1434

And so it was finally time that the Regent stepped down, crowning the King Gobar the First as the new Despot of Assam. Wait, what? Gobar? How do you even pronounce that?
Goo-baah? Goo-bar? Go Bar?
Well, if there is one thing you can't say about him is that his abilities don't fit his name.


All glory to the hypnot... Gobar.

Oh well, it could've been worse. He may be a git like his granddad was (he even knew the difference between a Mosin Nagant and a Musket, which was unseen. Literally.), but he's still better then that fool Abi could ever be.
He, unlike his father who could persuade a Muslim to buy a herd of pigs, couldn't even talk straight, relying on "leet speek" instead, and when it comes to fighting... well... let's just say that a chick (the animal!) with broken legs broken, one eye missing and it's hands tied behind it's back would be able to break his morale and his arms.
But, he was really efficient at torturing peasants for money. And for fun, too.

Let's all give a great big Hurrah for Gobar the First!
It was just ten years after the King Sipakpha the First ascended to his throne and built an Empire from nothing, and it was already run into the ground by his sluggish heirs (Susenpha didn't hurt, but didn't really help any either). For his "contributions" to the prosperity of Assam in general, the Regent Abi would be known as The Undoer.

Now it was up to King Gitbar to fix the damage made to the Empire. Will he be able to do so? Find out in the next installment of this Assam AAR!
 
Last edited:

Nodscouterr

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Goo-bar, like a chocolate bar but with goo instead. They're made by the Goo Corporation. I salute the one who figures what game that comes from!
 

L Lawliet

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Chapter Five: His Sublime Hillbillyness

Part one: Math problems

And so it came to pass that Gobar mysteriously died three years into his reign, as did ALL of his ancestors, bar the bloody Regent.

His son, Sue-Pimp-Aaaa I was every bit as stupid as him, and worse. His diplomatic abilities were so awful that he couldn't even talk a dieing man in the desert to have a cup of water, but in all the other areas he was the same as his ol' dad was.


(Hail this guy)

But, like his dad, he had a knack for maths, as long as it meant more money for him, so he did a little calculatin'
"Rite, so, mah gr8grandad was 30 when he became King. Died 3 years later, his son took over, he was 18. Died at 21 and regent ruled for 6 years, meaning my Daddy was 11 when he took over. Died when he was 14, that makes me what, 3?"
No, seriously, what the hell?
Anyways, we have been warned by Bengali guys, who, unfortunately, have giant armies, so we can't go to war or anything.
 

Nodscouterr

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His diplomatic abilities were so awful that he couldn't even talk a dieing man in the desert to have a cup of water.
''Come on, you gotta take at least some water''
''I dunno, that cup looks awfully suspicious when you hold it like that''
 

nsahn

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''Come on, you gotta take at least some water''
''I dunno, that cup looks awfully suspicious when you hold it like that''
Could be proposals like this, or maybe the 3*Diplomacy is just the game engine's way of creating a hideously deformed inbred (these are dynasties after all). Very funny AAR, I will stay tuned for more laughs.
 

L Lawliet

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nsahn said:
Could be proposals like this, or maybe the 3*Diplomacy is just the game engine's way of creating a hideously deformed inbred (these are dynasties after all). Very funny AAR, I will stay tuned for more laughs.
Thanks for the compliments and welcome aboard!

Chapter Five

Part two: Wars and gambling

Our glorious god-King, Supimpha I has decided to present to the council of Nobles (which mysteriously still held it's power despite the Regent's retirement years (generations!) ago) his awesome plan of warring with another country.
The Bluemen. The Mega Muslim Monster. The Indian BBB. When asked "How the hell do you plan to make them accept that?" he responded with "Don' worry m4t3, my l33t diplo sk1lls will charm'em allz lolz!"

Of course, the answers ranged from "Are you mad? We'll be crushed!" to "BOOO, GET LOST YOU INBRED BASTARD!!", with some noblemen hanging themselves in advance so that the enemy doesn't have to.
The King said: "I'll take that as a yes." and left the room abruptly.
He sent a diplomat to the Bluemen with the declaration of war, hoping that his allies would do the same. The diplomat (was) returned shortly in four boxes.

Anyways, the plan:

(yes, we stand a chance. We'll win as soon as hell freezes over)

Our allies, may whatever God we believe in bless them, joined our righteous cause of grabbing land and money from the Infidel. Hooray!
When we saw 8 thousand infidels with swords coming to us we directed our glorious King's army to burn everything in sight around our capital, so that they die of starvation. The people were unimpressed.
However, when the Bengali hordes arrived, they were in for quite a surprise. They tried to scale our walls, but took a wrong turn right and ended up in a middle of nowhere, got demoralized and returned to siege.

Somehow they breached our walls the next month and attacked. Fortunately they suck at fighting and were repelled, and our glorious King Supimpha rode in with his cavalry to murder them all.
He managed to lose and all of his men were killed. He, of course, thank the Gods (rolleyes) was saved from a horrible death.
Next month Assam proper was lost to the Scourge of the Bluemen. Hooray for our King's military abilities. Fortunately Mount Everest is more wealthy then our Capital is (?), so we continue to war with a positive score.

Being the manly men they are, as soon as the Blues sieged our next province half of our garrison deserted.
Also someone seems to have pressed the off button on Attrition since the enemy numbers increase instead of depleting.
So, we have no more money, almost no more troops, WE is skyrocketing, allies bailing and the Enemy is killing us. What do we do? We send the rest of our army on a suicide mission to kill the sieging army. What happens? We lose. But at least our army doesn't get instakilled.
The Bluemen go on to sieging Many Poor, while we try to unsiege the rest of the country, aided by the useless troops of our goddamned Vassal, which has been hiding under a rock for quite some time now.

But, we triumph gloriously as our bigger ally pulls through and occupies half of their land, allowing us to snatch one of their provinces, fulfilling our mission to take it and gain a core on it. Huzzah!



Despite looking like, well, whatever that looks like, we've expanded our territory for the first time in some three generations, all led by a fat maggot of a King. Go Assam go!
In other news, hell just froze over.
 

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Holy Crap!:eek: Go Sue-Pimp-Aaaa the Great!:D
 

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Nice, the plans actually WORK!!!
 

L Lawliet

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Nodscouterr said:
Nice, the plans actually WORK!!!
A nice change of pace, isn't it?

Murmurandus said:
Holy Crap!:eek: Go Sue-Pimp-Aaaa the Great! :D
May he live until the day he dies!

Chapter Five

Part three: Animist frenzy

We must now direct our wrath on the brown guys. Taungu I guess. They are in possession of OUR lands. That must not go unpunished. But, they have an army that outnumbers ours four to one. So we wait. The King reforms the army so that all recruits must have at least one leg when they join. The nobles worry that this is just a prelude to the King declaring that only two legged humans will be able to join.

The King soon sends a letter to the King of Taungu commenting on the size of his man parts. Nothing happens. Meanwhile, Animists rampage through our vassals country. We return the favor they did to us while we were in trouble and let them rot. The same day their first province falls to the Animists, our King breaks the record in reign length - over 4 years and counting.
Tenth of November, 1443, our vassal's capital falls and we laugh at their misery. The bastards. The rest of the Animists wander off to China to certain death.

They're routed soon and return to oppress our dear vassals. We laugh again.

To make things better, our King's father's second wife, our current King's sister and third wife decides to blurt out our army composition to everyone, not only compromising our spy defense but also making us the laughing stock of the entire region.


Also we get to find out just how great our country is - We've had a port for like 5 years now, and we've managed not to form just one, but at least 2 companies dealing with sea tech.


Also, as a bonus I present to you the spread of animism in our neighborhood.



Next up: Reconquista.
 

Nodscouterr

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Yay! The Reconquista of Assamland! Let them be Assamilated.
 
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L Lawliet

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Chapter Five

Part four: Rebirth

Waiting some years, watching wealth amass in the Treasury, Pimpaa felt warm inside. Robbing the peasants was a fun hobby, but he felt he needed more. So he sacked his only adviser and got even more money. Now, for the first time the treasury counted over fifty (50!) golden pieces. What now? He had a ton of money, an army (with horsies) and a lot of free time. He recalled what his ancestors did when they had too much money. The answer? Killing spree! Or, translated into the language of politics, forceful integration of other people into the Light of Assam. So, let's roll!

But, before he could declare war on anyone he could actually take on (again), his ally which he didn't know he had jumps in and declares war on god knows who, which is, as it turns out, allied with Bengal, the blue guys west. However, all is not so bad, as the King gets to show the fruit of his dabbling in the dark arts of Photoshop *cough* PaintNET *cough*



Since our glorious country doesn't actually lead the war and can't milk the opponent for gains counting warscore of our allies, we sincerely doubt that we will actually gain anything. However, the King dresses his favorite p-j and goes off to siege something. Our enemies return the favor.
Soon enough the vultures come to the feast and Nepal declares war on Bengal too, their allies following.

Pimpa conquers the Everest (again) and our enemies assault our fort uselessly (again), so Pimpa decides to take his entire army (yes, the whole regiment) and take it against the enemy (which, by the way, is Infantry only). They are all killed instantly. So we recruit Infantry, seeing as if it was good enough for our forefathers and Alexander the Great, it should do the trick for us too. In addition, a regiment of money grubbing mercenaries are hired to siege some backwater god forsaken place. Our treasury cries in pain.
Since all our attempts at peace are greeted with "NO! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!", we decide to try and ninja-ambush them again after they assault. Pimpa dresses up, charges and a strange battle ensues where no casualties are made on either side, but we still win. Go Assam!

Pimpa rolls the dice of fate and pursues, but fails miserably and loses almost a third of his army, inflicting only minor casualties on the enemy.

His new adviser makes him a speech for the people to calm their nerves regarding the wonderfully failing war efforts.
It goes as follows.

Pimpa grabs a piece of paper and starts reading quickly.

"Fellow countrymen, wawe hand, I am here today to tell you that not only we are winning, smile nicely, but we are, lower hand, ... Wait, what the hell is this? You son of a..."

The people were unimpressed.
Fortunately for us, Bengalis forget us soon and we go off to siege their Capital, while the mercenaries Status Quo their sieged fort back to the Stone Age. The Bengal forces chase off the Nepalians soon, however, and liberate the Everest (good for you!) and siege some other people's provinces. I rejoice and swoosh in to steal the glory. And forts.
Bengals wander off into the unknown (also known as the Great Unknown or the Fog) and we hope they don't come back soon and hang us with our guts. Our treasury doesn't approve of our recent actions so Pimpaa raises war taxes. Good for him.

Soon we got Bangala, the capital of Bengal. It sounds nice. Try repeating it. Bangala Bangala Bangala Bangala. Hehehe.
Mercenaries in Chittatong pull through too, so Pimpaa orders them killed for taking half of our bloody income for a year. The money was not found.
We could pull out now and take what we can or wait more and risk the AI taking all our stuff. We decide to gamble, despite our recent failures in dabbling with it.

Also this:

(If you look carefully, you can see Bangala. Bangala Bangala Bangala.)

Another fort of their falls. We risk further until the last one is ours.
SON OF A BODY SELLING FEMALE; THEY SOLD US OUT!!! (I considered reloading right there but I decided I'm to Assam for that)
Buuut, we now know that we can take on even the strongest of enemies if we can get someone to distract them long enough.

Instead of drowning his sorrows in cheap alcoholic beverages, the King lashes it out on our neighbors, the brown guys.
Our bastard allies desert us - saving us valuable time it would take to break up the alliances manually.



And, after much chasing and conquering, the result iiiiis....

THIIIIS

 
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Murmurandus

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Assam is slowly returning to its world power status... :D
 

L Lawliet

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Murmurandus said:
Assam is slowly returning to its world power status... :D

The insolence! We never were anything less! Most of the time. Sort of. Maybe.

Chapter Five

Part five: Confrontation


So, we got more cash. Pimpaa decides to build "big rocks on big rocks, making our place a no-no for rebels" in Arakan. While we oversee (read: Kill anything that moves) peasant activities during the construction, our two remaining unfortified provinces revolt. We dislike this, but I don't plan to have my fort canceled by rebels and money lost in the last day of building. No sir, I don't.

A neat graphical show:


Some time later, fort finished. We decide to kick the ass of the rebels on our soil but figure if we beat one rabble they'll merge and form a mega rabble we can't beat without taking too long. So we hire more d00ds. Our standing army is so doubled from 3 000 men to 6 000 men. Oh yes, I feel the pleasure cramps too.

But, somehow and for some reason, Ayutthaya (who we are at war with) obtained ships and transported horsies to siege our Castellum Incorruptus AKA Vanga. In other news, our useless wreck of a vassal attacks one of the rabbles while we try to kill the horsies and sacrifice them to whoever we worship as a deity.
Unlike our vassals, we actually win.
However, this victory isn't really great because the Ayutthainese or whatever still looted half of our country and killed a crapload of Assam people before we killed them all. So they say.

And, although we originally planned to attack the Bengalis because we want to liberate our brothers in faith (read: TAKE THEIR LAND AND END CONAN REFERENCE HERE), the Great Engine of Game offers us a different reason to do what we already wanted to do. Thank you, my tasty little engine. I love you.

The original reason for considering one of "their" provinces ours? Well, we just happen to have trespassed there when one of our guys got killed and we buried him there. Since he decomposed since and started to fertilize the land, the plants were ours too, as was he, a faithful servant of Assam. The plants expanded and eventually took a large part of land. That land was then ours too. So, in the end, all is ours.


(The pinnacle of good luck is getting a(nother) reason to war with someone you wanted to kill anyways)

As for the peasant rabbles, unexpectedly, we attacked with huge numerical superiority and fought the soviet way. Died in droves attacking futile targets while getting encircled in Kiev. Then won and took epic revenge and covered it up. Long story short, we're alive and they're dead.

Now, where was I?
Ah yes, Confrontation.
June 22nd, year 1453, the festivities commence. Our entire army is sent in the enemy's general direction, while the enemy farts at our... general Direction. The moment we reached Bangala and started losing.. ahem, fighting the battle, Taungu, the anonymous guys to the south attacked. How charming. Pimpaa moves our policies to favoring our land forces, because, seriously, what the f**k, how the hell can we favor ships if our only ship until some 3 years ago was a floating tree in a large pond that looked like you could stand on it. Our shipyards (yes, both of them!) suffer. Whine, whine baby, I don't give a(n) excrement.

Later we notice that our neighbors started to march in our lands. Then I noticed we're at war. That's the bad thing about having enemies. Since the friends of your enemies usually end up to be your enemies. However, we'll just kill them all.
I now officially feel like I'm being attacked by these guys, a massive swarm controlled by a single massive organism who's only purpose is to destroy me. While I can take on the individual creatures it tosses at me, taking on them all at once is a bit more... challenging, let's say.

I defeat the Bengali army and chase them one province and move off to intervene in my unfortified territories. We slowly get the feeling that the Taunguayan D-Day somehow killed us all, opening a second front and overstretching our forces. Having our capital at 75% siege and several others approaching that value, we feel we've failed a bit.

Anyways, to save myself some work I try to cram as much crap into one image. Let me know if it worked.

(As I've said, it's an AI swarm. Damn them?)

The relief force comes to late to relieve the besieged capital by days (of course, if you fail, fail big), and the Tibetans take it. How shameful! We run off to Many Poor to meet the enemy on our terms. Meaning where we have room to run further.

So, what happens now? Who knows? I do, since I've played further! But, let's call this a try at cliffhanging. Or something. Find out what happens! Does Assam become even more Assam or is it left in rubble to rebuild it's constantly lost and again gained glory?
 

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It will take some time to reconquer and reAssamilate those suckers.
 

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Bah, cliffhanging is so overrated... ;):D
 

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Nodscouterr said:
It will take some time to reconquer and reAssamilate those suckers.
Indeed. They say time is money. We don't have any of those things.

Murmurandus said:
Bah, cliffhanging is so overrated... ;) :D
Yeah... but it's fun... For me, anyways.


Weel, anyways, I left you hang there for a while longer because I feel this AAR isn't popular enough that fans barge in and demand updates if I don't update. I still can't figure out if this is good or bad though :rofl:

Chapter Five

Part six: Unraveling

This is the state of the state after years of warfare. Year 1455.



Yeah. I know. It sucks. But, if anyone could snatch victory from jaws of defeat, then that would be Hannibal. Unfortunately we don't have any of those so we try things the Pimpaa way. Which is ramming head into things until it gets better.

First we peace out with Tibet and release Shan from vassalage. It sucks, I know, but they were only an incapable burden and Tibet has a huge army. We also peace with Bengal's war leader (sounds better in German. Kriegfuhrer?) and so we're left with only Pegu and Taungu as enemies. Let's rock.
Peace is then signed with Ayyuthaya. White peace. Also Taungu peaced out with my former vassals, Shan for one province. Unfortified. Hells to the yeah, man!

We attack the besiegers of Many Poor but the King of Taungu shows his great shock ability and moons us intensely during the battle. Our soldiers laugh and die a lot. We win, but we die a lot. Like three times more, and they lost 400 soldiers, so count.

Taungu's annoying little helpers, Pegu also like to siege us so we take them out too, with high losses again, inevitably. Our army is looking more and more like the Italian army.
We soon run out of manpower. We'd go and get some womanpower but we're not America, we're Assam. In every sense of the word.

Then, more problems arise. The armies of Taungu and Pegu unite. And although weak separately together they have more cavalry then we have infantry. And that *sucks*

While attacking them we sneak 400 men into their unfortified provinces and retake ours as well. Hell yeah.
Our attack, however fails ingloriously so we wait for our manpower to replenish and reinforce us before failing again.
Later we make one last push for relieving Many Poor before it falls and we fail, as you might have guessed.
To cement our failure, patriot rebels take chin and Animists begin their siege of Naga.

However, the AI accepts the following offer despite the engine's best at trying to kill us off. Seriously AI, what the hell? However, in my country, we have a saying. It goes "Nikad ne gledaj poklonjenom konju u zube.", which roughly translated means "Never look a gift horse in the mouth.", or whatever, meaning that I will not question this godsend. Ever. And neither should you.




Final summation:
We won. Dunno how, dunno why but we did.

Bonus image for all you alls.

 

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  • 200k Club
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
  • Europa Universalis IV: El Dorado
  • March of the Eagles
  • Mount & Blade: Warband
  • Crusader Kings II: Way of Life
  • Pillars of Eternity
  • Europa Universalis IV: Common Sense
  • Crusader Kings II: Horse Lords
  • Cities: Skylines - After Dark
  • Europa Universalis IV: Cossacks
  • Crusader Kings II: Conclave
  • Europa Universalis IV: Mare Nostrum
  • Stellaris
  • Hearts of Iron IV: Cadet
  • BATTLETECH: Heavy Metal
  • Europa Universalis III: Chronicles
  • Cities in Motion
  • Crusader Kings II
  • Crusader Kings II: Charlemagne
  • Crusader Kings II: Legacy of Rome
  • Crusader Kings II: The Old Gods
  • Crusader Kings II: Rajas of India
  • Crusader Kings II: The Republic
  • Crusader Kings II: Sons of Abraham
  • Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion
  • Crusader Kings II: Sword of Islam
  • Deus Vult
  • Europa Universalis III
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Divine Wind
  • Europa Universalis IV: Art of War
  • Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
  • Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
  • Europa Universalis IV: Call to arms event
  • For the Motherland
  • Hearts of Iron III
  • Hearts of Iron III: Their Finest Hour
  • Heir to the Throne
Wow astonishing diplomatic feat... :eek::D