• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

L Lawliet

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Just some random feedback...
Axzhang said:
Very entertaining read - since our king is ages ahead of his time, just wondering what his exact stats are? The knowledge of boomsticks suggests an 8 Mil rating, while the crib-walking and white-trash talking suggests 3 Diplomacy .
He isn't really as good of a military man (6MIL I think, he just wields boomsticks very well and can make his men walk slightly fastah) and not as bad of a diplomat (4 or 5?), but I just don't quite like him. :D

Nodscouterr said:
Yay, conquer the brownies!
As you wish...

Murmurandus said:
With a plan like that, nothing can go wrong... :D
With our glorius King, nothing can go wrong! Ever! Trust not the brownie propaganda!

Devilmay said:
Your aar is hilarious :rofl: death for de brownies!!!!!!111111
Appreciate the compliment and yes, death for de brownies!!one!oneleven!!


badger_ken said:
love the pac-man symbology!
Yes, one of the few non-obscure references left to post :)

All y'all - I'd love to have updated this but my health is in decline lately (not by my own fault), been at the doctor's yesterday (but still squeezed out an update nonetheless), and at the hospital today (no worries, nothing too serious), got my magic pills and other weird looking stuff. Should churn one out by tomorrow noon (C.E.T.).

[completely off topic] Also I'd like to use this opportunity to promote a completely narrative AAR by Amric and his co-belligerents - Byzantine's Khan which I found incredibly awesome and got hooked since the first update.[/completely off topic]
 

L Lawliet

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Chapter one

Part three: Assam('s) Conquests

March 28th, battle begins....

"Spearmen! Attack!" the king ordered, and his men charged into the numerically superior enemy.
A hundred meters left.
Fifty.
Twenty.
The men raise their spears and jump around violently stabbing everyone and everything in sight. The King dodged enemy blows, matrix style and cut down enemies left and right, and so on for a couple of days

Then a loud voice was heard: "STOOOP!! Fire phase!"

Everyone marched back and made pewpew sounds at each other, but the Assam pepews were louder because the King had skill in pewpew. And then the voice was heard again: "STOOP!! Shock phase!"



And so they charged again, but this time the noble king of all Assam had more troops. The enemy ultimately retreaded and the whole kingdom celebrated for ten da... well, they were happy for a minute or two.

But then the vile brown guys brought cavalry - "What the hell" the king thought "The goat herders must be responsible for this!" And so he ordered his men to charge again and kill the goat riders, which he did, but at a higher cost then against normal infantry.


When the battle was over he was visited by Abi.
"My King, I have news! You won the battle!"
"No, seriously?" said the King sarcastically
"Well, other then that, me and all the other advisers (meaning me alone) worked on a revised war plan, seeing as some things went a lil' bit unplanned." he gestured
"So show it to me."



"I've also added a part where it says how awesome you are."
"Yes, I know I am. A good plan. Let's go!" he marched out quickly to lead his troops to battle. Again.
And so he won many more battles (read: Avoided combat with the enemy military and tortured peasants), and by December the war was won. Large territorial concessions were made by the.. brown guys and the Assam landmass swelled beyond any measure.

(A record from the treaty showing how Awesome Assam is)
the browny King frowned furiously at the Assam King's peace terms, so he decided to try to joke his way out of it.
"You stupid assam guy, why you wear those silly red uniform! It make no sense!"
The assam king responded calmly "It is so that when one of our officers gets wounded the soldiers wouldn't see it and keep fighting without losing heart. I'm also guessing that's why your uniforms are brown."
The brown dude's frown got so bad that he looked like he ate a basket of lemons
"So, will you cede the land or will you have your people revolt because you've failed as bad as you did?"
"Very well" he waved his arm semi-absently "take what you want, but remember, next time we'll bring allies."
"You tried already" Assam King grinned "They have betrayed you.
And they will betray you, as mine betrayed me. Goodbye."
The brown guy waved again deep in thought how to make his allies cooperate the next time.

The newly conquered provinces would also serve well as a launching point for future attacks, but they were a double edged blade - while they were Assamland now, they still wanted to revolt because they... well, we know, it makes absolutely no sense, but peasants will be peasants, and we fortunately still have enough land to make mass graves AND grow... stuff.

This is the map of Assamland after the victorious war against the brown dudes.



Glorious, isn't it?
 

Murmurandus

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Very glorious... :D
 

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badger_ken said:
"Assamiland" - is that what happens after being "Assamilated" :)
That's why I chose to preserve the animal-worshipers in the first place.

Murmurandus said:
Very glorious... :D
Indeed, and even more more glorious it shall be in the future (if that's even physically possible)

Devilmay said:
Nice update.. For assamland! :D
:cool:

Cyreidel said:
Oooh, an exotic AAR!
If nothing else it will serve as a good post-count bumper-uper :D

Chapter one

Part Four: Rumors of war

The King's royal palace was a really fancy place, by 15th century Assam standards. It featured everything a King could need - tiled floor, walls, even roofs and a window here and there!
However one thing the King lacked - real advisers. Sure, Abi was a great guy to play with but he didn't have his own dolls. So he brought foreign men of high education, he would make sure that this year he had his own Squint Squad!
The interview began early with the rather large group of guys gathering in front of the Throne Room. The guards let in one after another and so it began.

"Allright, so, what do you do?" Mister S. asked, leaning his beard on his hand
"I'm a stability guy." the stability guy said
"How do you do what you do and what do you do?"
"Well, I build some stables and everybody has a happy." the guy shrugged
"Out. NEEEXT!"

A weirdly dressed man stepped in. He featured a funny hat, an odd suit and a lil' bit of a mustache.
"Mornin' my liege" he said, gesturing with the hat
"Nice hat. What's that? Ming fashion?"
"Not at all, my lord. Allow me to explain. The hat" he pointed to it "And the uniform are symbols of my authority. I heard your troops lack discipline."
King's eyes fired up, but he pretended he didn't care
"Riight, so, how much?"
"I'd say some 10 gold pieces now and 0.2 every month should do fine"
"You do realize" the king laughed "that with that kind of money I could hire and maintain a thousand archers?"
"You need me more then I need you" the guy responded seriously
"Hired. NEXT!" the king said waving his hand

"Hello. I am a stab guy" said the new stab guy with four stars on his uniform

And so the day passed and the King finally had his entourage.
Two funny dressed men who give discipline and lower revolt risk and a stab guy. All is well, he thought.




Ten minutes later...

"Myyyyyy LoOoOoRD!!" Abi ran in the throne room, slamming the door shut behind him
"I have terrible news!" he waved his hands in despair
"What happened? Are we at war?"
"No, worse!"
"The peasants revolted?" the king raised his hands slightly
"WORSE!"
"You lost my barbies?" he frowned
"Um... that.. no, my lord, I've heard horrible rumors circulating about our Assam country!"
"Well then? Out with it!" the King leaned toward Abi
"There are rumors that we are a peaceful honorable land filled with people who tolerate all faiths and doctrines!"
"Disgusting!" The king's face looked like he just sucked a lemon dry "Something must be done about this! Right now! Let's go stomp something!" he slammed his fist on his throne

Another 10 minutes later...

"Here's the plan."



"How colorful" Abi commented absently
"Yes, yes, I'm great and I know it. Get going, we attack ASAP! Justice shall be served!"
 
Last edited:

Nodscouterr

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For Assamialand!
 

Murmurandus

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Oh no, I can't see the plan!:eek::confused::(

(stupid imageshack!:mad:)
 

L Lawliet

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Murmurandus said:
Oh no, I can't see the plan! :eek: :confused::(

(stupid imageshack! :mad:)
Should be fixed now.

Chapter One

Part Five: Those who live by the sword...

A handy metaphoric depiction of the war made by Godknowswho, the King's secret artist.


Our current King mister S. knows how to use Boomsticks, remember?

There was peace. And suddenly, there was commotion. The diplomat ran in the Manipur royal halls with a scroll in his hands, handing it to the King of Manipur, who's name was every bit as unreadable as one of King of Assam.

"Wee clayms y00 thr0n b14tch? What is the meaning of this?"
The diplomat shrugged "King's words, not mine."
"Riight... I'll get my guys to decode this, you may go."
And then another one came later
"Y00r w33n3r is sm4ll lolzorz.? Bleh, just go."
And so another diplomat vanished into the night, as they all do once their message is delivered. Odd, one would think, but that's how stuff goes on around there.

And so eventually the king of Manipur got the messages, but by then it was too late. War had already begun!

Mister S. set a surprise trap for his opponent's army and ordered a charge to the dense woods below him. 15 brave Assam guys died in the charge, which wouldn't be as odd of a number if the enemy army didn't fall apart and rout two days earlier. Still, advisers of MIster S. surpassed his diplomatic ability greatly (as did anyone who can talk) and made a cunning plan. Display it as an absolute victory for the Assam Empire!



And now I leave you with a cliffhanger - Will Assam survive? Win? Prosper? Find out in the next installment of this extremely Assam AAR!
 
Last edited:

L Lawliet

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[aside]ReadAARs! Yes, both of you! I'm furiously dissapointed! No comments? makes me sad :(
Also, as you'll find out now, the cliffhanger thing wasn't just for lols. As it turned out, something serious DID happen after all.[/aside]

Chapter one

Part six: Death and betrayal

The battle was over and the siege has begun. It was boring at best, but the King would have none of it. He waited stubbornly alongside with his soldiers. And he waited, waited and waited, and something happened. He soon learned the meaning of ping-pong as a thousand cavalrymen attacked his royal guard (which by now had tripled in size) and he chased them across his country and theirs. 'twas boring, but better then sitting in front of a wall and trying to stare it into submission.

Eventually, victory was his, as 300 hundred (all that remained) were massacred. 7 men managed to spear themselves in the foot while impaling enemy soldiers and died. That's soldiers for you.
"Courage my ass." the king thought.


(and, of course, a handy graphic display of our stunning victory)


(and another handy graphic display showing our awesomeness)

The siege was progressing well, but some things were not. Unfortunately, our astronomically epic coolness caused an epidemic of jealousy from our neighbors with a bigger army and so they betrayed us.
"My good man, what does this mean?"
"War. As simple as that." the diplomat shrugged
"Goodie. Leave.!"



"Should be easy enough." the king said absently
"Afraid not, m'lord. Their army is several times as large as ours is, and they've got goat riders." Abi surprised him
"Goa... damnit." the King's mighty fist almost broke the throne
"They've already swept through our outer lands, taking them completely from us." Abi frowned and spat "Barbarians."
"Barbarians indeed. Let's show them some civilized warfare, shall we?"

"The situation is as follows." the King pointed to his scroll
"Where the hell do you get this stuff?" asked his loyal adviser, scratching his chin
"I told you, I made it. Let's see."




[note]I recommend finding some epic music to listen because this part is full of win. I recommend this (epic Death Note theme)[/note]
"They were our neighbors. Betrayers... dissapointing. I've got it!
Betrayal! We will use our neighbors to get around them! Pack up, we're going to a trip!"

This... is the masterplan...

But will it work? Find out in the next installment of this astronomically win-ish AAR!
 
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Murmurandus

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Apparently the interwebs not only ate my witty comment, but also the pics of your latest update...;)
 

darkbrokendisk

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are u sure it is okay to get border with ming, assam always get swollow by ming within the first 50 years
 

L Lawliet

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Feedback:
Murmurandus said:
Apparently the interwebs not only ate my witty comment, but also the pics of your latest update... ;)
The interwebs is a living thing, it seems. Sort of like an angry teenager that destroys your things for no reason just so that you know it's still alive.

are u sure it is okay to get border with ming, assam always get swollow by ming within the first 50 years
Question more or less answered by the update itself.

Redwolf915 said:
Lol I love your tongue-in-cheek style!
I try to roleplay my kings according to data I can get about them from the game itself. Since this one was an inept man who knew about things waaay ahead of his time I made him into a funny guy. This one just might be a tad more serious, but don't expect wonders from me!


Chapter two: A new despot

Part one: Dead weight

It was a nice day. Not unlike other days in the warm summer in the Godforsakenland he was going through, but still, a nice day. Both personally and by weather standards.
After a nice cup (luxury!) of clean water (hedonism!) the King started the day by accepting surrender from yet another part of the dimwits that dared to backstab Assam.



His son accompanied him on this campaign, and although he knew little of military matters, he outshone his father in every other aspect. By now a grown man and a competent general, he was always scorned by his father for his lack of knowledge in boomstick operating (although he knew a bit here and there), but his knowledge of shock and forced march was impressive. His diplomatic abilities were so good that Abi once said that "He could conquer more land by diplomacy then Timur could by force of arms" and that his administrative skills were sufficient even to refill the empty state coffers drained by years of warfare.

However, our good king would have none of it. He insisted on running the state into the ground, even if expanding it beyond anyone's wildest dreams.
He took his son to sign peace with the treacherous scum that was Shan, where he did better then expected of him. He persuaded the Shan king to accept significant territorial concessions (the land which they unlawfully seized from Assam) and even got him to become Assam's vassal, claiming that the other option was to have his country taken down by force like Manipur, now known as the land of Many-Poor.
But, Mister S. Senior would still have it his way - and this is how it went:
"So, you'll be our vassal now, traitor?" Mister S. Senior grinned
"Yes."
"Then kiss my pinky."
"Whaaat?" the King's jaw dropped
"Kiss the pinky! Maybe you'll be lucky and some of my Assamness will reflect on you!" Mister S. pointed to the pinky


Our situation after the peace treaty

This would, of course, sour up the relations of the two countries for quite a while, but, fortunately or not, Mister S. perished a day later. Some say that he went on to join his ancestor taken into the sky by a chariot of light, while later scientific findings show that his latrine collapsed... but, his death was caused by breaking of the neck, fortunately.
He may not have been a great man, or a good man, but he was a man who outperformed himself, giving his life for his country. He will be later known as Siphakpha the Progenitor, glory be to his noble name.



His son, Susenpha the First would be known as a great man - far greater then his father would ever be. That, however, is a story for another time. See you in the next, hopefully longer installment of this extremely Assam AAR!
 
Last edited:

Nodscouterr

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Yay, a vassal! Too bad it borders ming...
 

Murmurandus

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Such a display of Brilliant Assamness!!!:D
 

Nodscouterr

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Heh, I'm playing my tibet game and I invaded the shit out of Assam after they Dowed me while I was fighting Nepal :D