• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

L Lawliet

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So, this is my first AAR and I'll be playing with Assam - a minor in India (I guess) with the mod Rising Nations (v1.0).
Short description:

What to expect:
- Some narration + screenshots
- Sad attempts at humor
- Obscure references
- Assamness
- Exploiting game mechanics holes to the fullest
- Possible boredom

What not to expect:
- Amazing displays of skill
- Other positive stuff often attributed to good AARs

Goals:
- Survive
- Conquer India
- Westernize
- Murdering those who try to hurt us - and everybody else
- When the first three goals are fulfilled you get to choose new ones

House rules:
- No reloading
- Default settings, no lucky nations
- No cheating (as in no typing in stuff to get money, exploiting faulty mechanics is for the greater good, to allow the Paradoxians to fix the game)
- Instant annexations are off, except for animists, as is proper
- If there's trouble, blame it on Fidel

Also if anyone knows/thinks it's not pronounced Awesome but Oysom or something keep your mouth shut please :)

Prologue

"Ain't that a fire or what?" A man asked
"Sure is, my liege." The other one answered
The first man stood up "Are you sure that's the last one?"
"Yes, my liege, I am certain."
"I love censorship. Don't you?"

One day earlier...


"My son.. is that you?"
"Yes father, it is me, Siphakpha."
"You are the finest of the puddle, my son" and that's just sad, the king thought "and I want you to take my throne when I die.
The young man was speechles. As hard as he tried to say something, words failed him. Soon he would be king!
"The others are a bunch of cowards who spend all of their days pillaging villages on the wrong side of the border, killing women and raping men. They're doing everything wrong!"
"Yes, father" The young man answered.

"And now, my son, I shall impart only one bit of wisdom, carried in our family for generations. It is the secret of our success, and life itself." His old eyes fired up once more as he spoke, and the young man's heart raced so fast that he could barely hear his father's word, but he calmed himself and listened.

"My son, remeber this: It's only cheating if you get caught." He said, and passed away to join his ancestors, Shisha the Weird and WeeWoo the Crosseyed.

- - - - - - -

Updates to come soon. Ish. I guess.
 
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L Lawliet

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Table of contents

Chapter One: The reign of Mister S. (Sipakpha I the Progenitor) (January 1st 1423 - ?)
Part one: Introduction
Part two: P&R (Preparation and Reforms)
Part three: Assam('s) Conquests
Part four: Rumors of war
Part five: Those who live by the sword...
Part six: Death and betrayal

Chapter Two: A new Despot (Susenpha I the Reformer) (? - 1427)
Part one: Dead Weight

Chapter Three: Good times, bad times (Regent, Abanindranath the Undoer) (1427 - 28th April 1434)
Part one: Reminisces
Part two: Neighbors
Part three: The war we lost
Part four: Recessions of many kinds
Part five: The cleansing fires

Chapter Four: Gobar, the redneck King (Gobar I the Shortlived) (28th April 1434 - 1 April 1437)
Part one: Ruins of an Empire

Chapter Five: His sublime Hilbillyness (Supimpha I the Great) (1 April 1437 - 1463)
Part one: Math problems
Part two: Wars and gambling
Part three: Animist frenzy
Part four: Rebirth
Part five: Confrontation
Part six: Unraveling

Chapter Six: Consolidation (Sukampha Khorat Raja I) (1463 - 14th July 1482)
Part one: Memories
Part two Bureaucracy and DOOM
Part three Religion and less DOOM
Part four: Odd noises
Part five: Mistakes
Part six: Pastime
Part seven: The end of days.. or not?

Chapter seven: A miracle? (Sudangpha I) (12th July 1482 - 12th March 1490)
Part one: Wrapped in glory
Part two: A brief pause
Part three: Back and better then ever!
Part four: The leap
Part five: Rebellion

Chapter eight: Back to basics (Regent, (Regency Council)) (12th March 1490 - 1500? )
Part one: Idiocy returns!
Part two: Meet the Regents
Part three: Defense

Chapter nine: Assam, as usual (Suhung I the Mildly Nuts) ( 1500? - 3rd April 1537 )
Part one: A hundred year anniversary
Part two: Tales of bugs
Part three: What the...
Part four: Weirdness and war
Part five: Assam goes international
Part six: The unfortunate demise
 
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Nodscouterr

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Yay, go Assam! Anyway is that a hindu or sunni nation?
 

Nodscouterr

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Sweeeet.
 

L Lawliet

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Chapter one

Part one: Introduction

"You there! Guard! Where are my advisors?" the King thundered
"Um.. well, you sacked your father's entourage and" "And WHAT? Watch your words, boy." he interrupted "And there are no other literate men left in our realm, sir."
The king's face became limp and his hands dropped. "Then you will be my advisor. What's your name?"
"My name, Sir? It's Abanindranath, sir."
The King thought a little and said "Very well, Abi, follow me."

And so they entered the King's "Think room", as he called it. Must be one of those ironic names, like the expression "I admire your intelligence" when said to a drooling idiot you just hired as a Jester.

He took a scroll out of a drawer and unrolled it on the huge oak table.


"My lord, did you make that?"
"Of course I did. Here's our situation:
We're beset on all sides by heathens and heretics. Our only religious friend is the small brown blotch here, with a sandwich on it."
"What does that mean, my king?"
"It's pretty much self explanatory, I'd say."
"But I don't want to explain it to myself, I want you to explain it to me."

"Shut up knave! The problem is as follows: Our army numbers hundreds of men, a thousand even. But the enemies are more numerous and more disciplined then we are, and they're equipped with a myriad of allies, all of their religion. It's all explained on the map, nice and simple.
So, what do we do now?"

"The same thing as every generation, my King. We try to conquer the world.
And fail miserably each time."

Tomorrow in the streets of the capital:
Abi walks through the crowd in his new outfit, and steps up to the Oratorium (he found a box, as mean people said) and yells loudly:

"Behold, lowly peasants, your King *mutters something*, blessed be his noble name, has decided to give you a choice!"
The crowd assembles
"Who shall we wage war with first?
The King gives you three *raises four fingers* choices : Manipur, the dudes to the east of us, Tibetan goat herders and our Muslim neighbors!
You may choose any nation, as long as it is Manipur or we'll have you trimmed down by a head's length!"

He spent the next three months letting his bones to heal. He also learned not to go out without a guard. Or a dozen.
 
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Rising nations?
 

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You just added that!
 

Murmurandus

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Awesome Assam is something I could follow, yes...:D
 

axzhang

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Funny stuff. Definitely a joy to read so far. Keep it up!
 

L Lawliet

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Thanks for the feedback everybody! Update as follows:

Chapter one

Part two: P&R*
*Preparation and Reforms

In the year of their Lord 1422, January the first, the great King Siphakpha held a grand military parade through the capital of the city. For the entirety of the grand spectacle the crowd stood in awe of the grand army the Kingdom had. First was the Captain, dressed in fine woolen garments, followed by the 999 men he held under his command. He ordered them to march forward and greet their king, but unfortunately they lacked the intelligence, sanity or discipline to do both at the same time and havoc ensued. However, despite that, all was grand and the parade moved on and all was over before Sunset, despite the late start at 17:00 sharp.

The King was furious, howling to his most loyal (and only) adviser.

"That was an order! AN ORDERLY PARADE WAS AN ORDER!!! All of the generals are a bunch of traitors, cowards and failures!!!" he shouted while waving his hands around furiously
His adviser tried to stop him "My Lord, I cannot permit you to insult the General.."
"They are COWARDS, TRAITORS AND SIMPLETONS!!!" He lashed out furiously and continued his rant on as the sun set.
He ran out of steam an hour or so earlier, completing his speech with a question "Abi, why would you defend our commanders?" he demanded "They've done nothing right so far! Come on, speak your mind"
Abi giggled a bit but suppressed the urge to laugh, put on his serious face and said "My King, it was because you are the only general in the country"
The King buried his head in his hands (according to a myth he failed so badly that a third hand appeared out of thin air) and dismissed his adviser with an order "Have the troops in front of the barracks by 9:00. You may leave now."
"Yessir!" Abi spun on his heels and prepared to leave
"And Abi" The man stopped
"if a single word of this gets out, I'll do two things. Deny and flay you alive and then make you roll in salt. No, make that three things, Deny and flay you alive, make you roll in salt and then do so to your family. No, four things. Bah, screw it!"
Abi left the King to soak up the fail 'till tomorrow.

Tomorrow...

The sun shy the whole day hiding behind the clouds and the wind blew hard enough that a game of dwarf tossing could be held even without regular human players, but the King insisted nonetheless. Appearing in his most fancy uniform with a sad look on his face. He dismissed his guard/adviser and said "Soldiers of the Imperium, hear me! Your recent performance was an outrage! I doubt that you could even stop a mentally challenged goat from straying in or out of the City, let alone stop an army!"
he eyed them carefully with his hawkeye look (or what he thought it looked like) and continued
"Army men you must follow directions! You lack discipline! You all need more discipline! True discipline come from.. within.." he said with a complementary gesture "But if you won't show true discipline I'll have you whipped each and every day until you decide to obey as is proper!"
"Yeah you and what army?" a voice was heard
The king blushed and then paused a bit
"Damnit!" he thought to himself
"Captain! Beat that man up!"
the soldier rushed off to hunt the man down
"The beatings will continue until morale improves!"

That was enough to build up the discipline by a whooping 2%, if his expert math skills didn't fail him.

However the Nobles (yeah, BOTH of them!) didn't like that and stability plummeted by 25%, he estimated expertly.

The "Think Room"

Mister S. cleared his throat and started the meeting
"Abi, we need war, and since the voting didn't really go well I decided to switch targets."
Abi groaned a bit regretting the loss of sense in his left arm and other injuries
"Come on now, I didn't make you eat glass!"
"That's right sir, *you* didn't."
"Oh wow, they really got you didn't they? No matter, we'll attack the dudes to the east of us, since I found out they've got no forts. Here's the plan."



Abi eyed the map and sighed. Yet more weirdness from his lord.
"I've already ordered the main army to march to the border, when they arrive we declare war on whoever the brownies may be. I'll lead our armies myself!"
"And how will your ...talents... benefit our odds in combat, if I may ask?" Abi asked
"I can make them fire faster and better and kill more people in the fire phase." he answered proudly
"You can make them what and when? You lost me there."
"The Fire Sticks. Guns. The PewPew machines. Ring any bells?" the king gestured wildly, but Abi just nodded, still puzzled.
"Damnit, forget it! Just grab my sword and follow me!"


It has to be said, Mister S. is a man ahead of his time. WAAY ahead of his time. He's so advanced that his main talent is making people better wield weapons that don't exist yet. Impressive, isn't it? However that's just the tip of the iceberg! His obscure references to yellow cookie-eating orbs and the mysterious "India" remained undecoded until they actually happened - almost a thousand years later. His conversations with the public would also puzzle the historians until much later. His style of conversing with the peasants has been commented as "That's black magic it is! He's invoking the devils and stuff!", "What did he say about my mom?" and finally "Whaaaat?"
For example, when he noticed a pretty wench he said "Wanna sizzle with mah pizzle in mah criib baaaybeee?" or when he saw a turk he said "Yo brotha howstha homies inda homeland doin?" It ended badly in both cases. Badly.
However one thing cannot be denied: He was going to conquer the brown guys, whatever the hell their name was.

Up next: The actual war
 
Last edited:

axzhang

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Very entertaining read - since our king is ages ahead of his time, just wondering what his exact stats are? The knowledge of boomsticks suggests an 8 Mil rating, while the crib-walking and white-trash talking suggests 3 Diplomacy :rofl:.

If you can keep up this level of detail and narrative, I'd be impressed!
 

Nodscouterr

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Yay, conquer the brownies!
 

Murmurandus

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With a plan like that, nothing can go wrong...:D