Chapter 3: Strife and Progress, Progress and Strife
August 1431, London
Jones - "Sir, some interesting news just in from Luxemburg."
Chadsworth - *Wakes with a start* I was having the most marvelous dream. Me and Mrs. Chadsworth were sipping on some chammomile down by the lakeside. Only thing was she was wearing a Helvetian guard outfit and I was 12 inches high. Other than that, lovely dream."
Jones - "Well then...Umm...The Luxemburgers have got themselves involved in a war with pfalz and are marching their large army to the east. Combined with the fact that we warned them about such behavior...Now seems the opportune time to strike."
Chadsworth - "That's excellent, We march to war September 17th."
September 17th, London.
Jones comes rushing in - "Sir, the world dissaproves highly of our DoW! You did sign the resubscription form for the warning didn't you?"
Chadsworth - "Yes, of course I did! I remember quite clearly, I filled out the form, put my 33 ducats inside and placed in on that table over there for delivery." He points off to the side.
Jones - "That table there, the one with the form and ducats sitting on it now?"
Chadsworth - "Yes, that very one."
Jones - "You do realize that when you want to send a diplomat, you have to actually call for the diplomat to send don't you?"
Chadsworth - "Hmm, well I do now. I guess we'll worry about the consequences of that later then. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?" Begin foreshadowing.
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Neither the Hungarians or the Austrians on lux's side have any ports, or easy land access to the Luxemburger's or me. Too bad for them. Unfortunatly Lux's Siege was progressing faster than my siege.
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Jones - "The news from the front isn't good sir. The Luxemburger's are mere months from capturing Pfalz. I'm afraid this war maybe all but lost."
Chadsworth - "Lost? Never give up, Never give in! The future of England is at stake here! Tea Man! Tea! Give me the maps, I'll use my 'Amazing Brain' to figure something out."
Jones - "I'll get right on it." He steps over the scroll case and selects from the bin marked 'Tea Route 66'. Scratched out underneath the label is Central Europe.
Chadsworth - "You see here Jones, If we can't get Lorraine and Pfalz to agree we can still win this war."
Jones - "That's so mind shatteringly Tearriffic it just might work. Gaining Military Access from Pfalz and Lorraine we can break the Siege on Pfalz and not have to cross water to do it."
Chadsworth - "They didn't put me in charge behind the scenes here for no reason."
Jones - "Very true sir, They put you in charge behind the Scenes because your father wanted to move to North Umberland and paint serene lake scenes."
Chadsworth - "Don't think of it as nepotism Jones, think of it as me securing the natural order."
Jones - "I'll try sir."
A few months later
Jones - "Our operation was a success, we crushed the Luxemburg army in Pfalz and we are now moving back to luxemburg. There is only one problem. When we left the Burgundians took over the siege."
Chadsworth - "That is it! They are not allowed in the Next war!"
Jones - "Not to worry sir, Talbot is in the Area, he'll sneak in and the burgundians won't realize what's happened until we're raising the English flag over the city."
Chadsworth - "I'm not sure they'll even realize then..."
Nov 23rd, 1432, London
Jones - "Luxemburg has fallen and they couldn't resist the temptation to become civilized. There is only one problem. According to my in depth statistical analysis, our Bad boy factor is at 15.7."
Chadsworth - "Is that bad?"
Jones - "It's certainly not good."
Chadsworth - "What can we do about it?"
Jones - "Mostly just wait around for a while. We probably shouldn't go beating on any cetral european minor kingdoms for a while."
Chadsowrth - "That's fine then. I was thinking of building a lovely Fine art's academy and modeling after that one they have in France...That luv-ruh place."
Jones - "Do you mean the Louvre?"
Chadsworth - "Yes, Spot on."
Jones - "Need I remind you sir, forward in time analogies are really useless. The louvre won't be used as an art museum for several hundred years yet. And if you want to be liked by your friends you have to make current references to things that they would know about, not to some future time."
Chadsworth - "I just find it so hard to keep my mind in the now, Jones. In the now we have no Tea, but in the future time, we have tea. As you can plainly see the future is just better. Besides I don't know how to make current events jokes."
Jones - "Here I'll try one on for you. 'How many french minor kingdoms does it take to shoe a horse?'
Chadsworth - "I have to assume some fractional amount, depending on the population of that kingdom."
Jones *sighs* - "No sir, the answer is that it's a trick question. If the French knew how to shoe horses there wouldn't be any French minor kingdoms."
Chadsworth - "Ah, I see..."
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In the next few years I tried to Bribe Bavaria into my allince (failed) tried to get maps from Dulkadir (Suceeded finally) and then tried to get maps from the timurid empire.
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September 1437 London
Chadsworth - "Oh glorious day!"
Jones - "Daye like this you relize that everything wasn't in vain. Tea wasn't just a dream of a deluded nations consciousness but a fact a reality set in stone."
Chadsworth - "Those Timurids may never know that they played right in to our hands showing us that there was tea in Bengal."
Jones - "They may never know that they have sealed their own fate. That's fine though. Savages the lot of them."
Chadsworth - "How's progress on that academy coming?"
Jones - "A few more years of dedicated saving and peace andwe should be there."
Feb 1438, London
Jones - "Dire news sir! Aragon has declared war on us!"
Chadsworth - "Ha! Pansies the lot of them! Ha!"
Jones - "Unfortunately they brought the Castilians and the Portuguese with them!"
Chadsworth - "Maybe I was a little hasty in saying the burgundians couldn't be involved in our next war. Invite them in."
A few hours later.
Chadsworth - "Well, Jones where is the Burgundian ambassador."
Jones - "About that sir, The burgundians when approached about our alliance said, and I quote 'You can take that alliance and shove it so far up your Wazoo no one will ever think of allying with you again, Ever! Oh, and by the way, Tea Sucks and your wife wasn't very satisfying in bed!'"
Chadsworth - "They didn't take the annexation of luxemburgers well it would seem."
Jones - "Apparently not sir."
Later that same day of the coast of Kent.
First mate vincent - "Admiral Doofus, Sir! we have orders to take on troops and depart for the Castillian shore but we have no where to put the troops! Your Breast plates of the world collection is taking up too much space!"
Admiral Doofus - "Well what about those thingies there, if get rid of them will there be enough room?"
First mate Vincent - "You mean the Cannons?"
Admiral Doofus - "Yeah, those thingies."
First Mate Vincent - Yes sir, but..."
Admiral Doofus - "Do it first mate Vincent."
First mate Vincent - "Yes sir."
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I got my ass handed to me on the high seas, lots of easy war score for their side. And on the ground things were only a little better.
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Late 1439 london
Jones - "Terrible news sir, Meath has fallen to the Portuguese."
Chadsworth - "How goes the war in aragon?"
Jones - "Slightly better sir, we've taken assignon, and are assalting two other provinces, but since Navarra joined the war on their side they are close to capturing guyonne. I fear we must needs get out of this war quick. If not, the French may attack."
Chadsworth - "Do what you must Jones. Do what you must."
February 1440 London
Jones - "the war is over sir. We ended up paying 25 ducats and giving Meath to the portuguese."
Chadsworth - "I will never forget this Jones, one day when the tea road is complete, the portuguese will pay, oh yes how they will pay!"
Jones - "An exorbinant tariff scheme sir? I thought you believed in a free market system?"
Chadsworth - "I think you missed my point Jones, I was trying to indicate some vengence at some point in the far future."
Jones - "My mistake sir, It hasn't been the best of days and I'm a little out of sorts."
Chadsworth - "This won't happen again, I've decided that France shall become out future ally. Prepare the gifts!"
Jones - "And the Fine arts?"
Chadsworth - "That will have to be a dream for some future date. Getting picked on is no fun. And a strong France as an ally will help prevent some silly wars."
October 1442 London
Jones - "France has invited us in to her alliance, but we have to go to war against a denmark and Novogorod."
Chadsworth- "Hmm, so where is the downside in this?"
Jones - "The war with Random countries sir."
Chadsworth - "There is no rule that says we have to fight right?"
Jones - "No, sir."
Chadsworth - "Sign me up!"
Some time later
Chadsworth - "It occurs to me, that other than France, everyone else in this alliance hates out guts. The Scots, those French minor Kingdoms, and well Gelre is indifferent I guess. That's not exactly a vote in our favor though."
Jones - "Well, I was hoping that France would just swallow all those minor kingdoms and that wouldn't be our problem anymore."
Chadsworth - "It's not like you to hope, Jones. You're usually more of the 'Morissey' type."
Jones - "Pop- culture references sir. Remeber.
Chadsworth - "Oh yeah, right... I meant to say Joan or Arc type."
Jones - "That won't work either sir. We never actually attacked Orleans. Alternate history references aren't great either."
Chadsworth - "Bah, You knew what I meant!"
Late 1445, London
A page comes running in. "Sirs! Sirs! A message from Pfalz!"
Chadsworth - "Let's see here. It says 'Tea tastes very bad. You are dumb. And we believe that you lack the nadgers to do anything about this letter, so pfffffffffffffffttttttt!"
Jones - "They didn't just go there did they sir?"
Chadsworth - "They most certainly did! How stupid do you have to be to insult a nation that borders you that is 10 times your size?"
Jones - "I believe we should coin a new term 'Pfalzstupid' to descibe how stupid that is."
Chadsworth - "Capital idea Jones. Capital. Send Talbot we're going to war, but don't tell the French!"
December 1446, london
Jones - "We've captured pfalz sure, forced them to be our vassals, give us military access, and their treasury."
Chadsworth - "Now mainz and wurzburg, we force vassalize them and in time diplo annex them. This plan is way better than the 50 bajillion bad boy points for Force annexing."
Jones - "I think so to sir."
Mar 1447, london
Chadsworth - "So basically Gelre is asking us tto join them in a war with a Brittany that revolted away in which every single other member of the alliance declined to enter? That's sooooo happening."
Jones - "It occurs to me, that maybe we could start a new alliance."
Chadsworth - "With Blackjack and hookers?"
Jones - "Sort of, I was thinking France."
Chadsworth - "That's a great Idea.
August 1449, London
Jones - "Those new more offensive army orders you instituted in January are working wonders sir!"
Chadsworth - "Marvelous. Simply Marvelous."
Jones - "One other thing sir, apparently the French would like us to join them in a war against the Swedes."
Chadsworth - "Didn't we already fight them?"
Jones - "we were in a lot of random wars, but we only fight in wars that matter."
Chadsworth - "Does this one matter?"
Jones - "Not at all sir."
Chadsworth - "By all means then join them!"
Current map
http://img75.imageshack.us/img75/8396/screensave44tn.jpg